The Artful Dodger (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

Bully in the Alley

Peach rum for the tropics.
Very kind.
(SINGING) Help me, Bob
I'm bully in the alley
ALL: Bully down in shinbone al!
Whoo! Sally is the girl
You actually really like
these people, don't you?
Yeah. Why wouldn't I?
Help me, Bob, I'm bully in the alley
I see Big Kit and his boy, Alfie,
are doing all right for themselves.
It goes to show that there's more
out there than just ambergris
Fagin, just enjoy your
coin, and drink your rum.
I am. Don't mean I can't be working.
It's how a thief stays sharp.
No. Thank you.
You still thinkin'
about your fancy skirt?
Who's distracted now from the
sacred purpose of drinking, eh?
GOVERNOR: It's quite a
lively scene, isn't it?
GAINES: Yes. And I'm afraid
it's getting worse, sir.
I know this tune.
GAINES: Order has been lost, sir.
It's time we cleanse the colony
of these violent degenerates.
Yes. Will there be anyone left?
Those who can be saved, we
will guide towards redemption,
but with limits on alcohol.
Good God. Steady on, man!
That excludes you, sir, naturally.
I'll have my men confiscate the alcohol.
At which point, it becomes
the property of the Crown,
where you can do with it what you will.
And that would include the '23 Bordeaux?
Oh, I would've thought so.
And that marvelous cognac
from the Blue Dragon?
Especially the cognac
at the Blue Dragon.
You're absolutely right.
We should do something
about this libation issue.
It really has gotten out of hand.
Bully in the Alley! That's the song.
So, I have your permission
to enforce the policy, sir?
Oh, yes, yes, I think so.
Just remember, Gaines, moderation.
REDCOAT: Come with me.
Come here!
Stop this madness!
Come here.
MAN: Out of my way, you scrawny wretch.
- This is a bloodbath, Gaines.
- Remove him.
I'm their doctor and they're
clearly gonna need me.
I know who you are.
Seize all the alcohol!
This is insanity!
Gather up who we can.
- My knee.
- Can you walk?
Tim, give me a hand here!
From this day forward,
one drink per man per day
to be issued exclusively by
the government quartermaster.
Got a surprise for you, sir.
Ah. Now, this is a special evening.
Look what we flushed out.
Big Kit Wilderkins, the
colony's second most-wanted.
Do you prefer "highwayman"
or "bushranger"?
I'll need it for your death warrant.
Do you think he'll like it?
I should have packed more
macaroons. Rainsford loves macaroons.
- Nurse Baggett, is Dr. Dawkins here?
- On a Friday night?
He's paying a house call
on the Cat and Bagpipes.
Should I give Sneed a peek?
What would you say to that?
Nothing really. Sneed
isn't suited for you.
His interest in us is purely political.
He just wants to marry
a governor's daughter
and secure Head Surgeon.
And he's already proposed to me.
Fanny, he would've married
any member of the family,
including Father or the dog.
So, when is your happy day?
The happy day was when I declined him.
I should just fill my pocket
with stones and walk into the sea.
Sea's that way.
So, just to clarify. Sneed's
still available, then?
We've also got coconut
macaroons, fruitcake, jam drops.
Ooh, and this is pepper jelly.
I made it myself to
help with your recovery.
How lovely. Lady Belle, are you well?
But it's quite peppery.
Better than someone who
fought a pointless duel.
FANNY: I've never made it before.
Not even sure it wasn't
for peppermint jelly.
The pepper did rush out
of the pot a little bit.
Is your poor leg any better?
- Still sore, then.
- Just try a tiny taste.
- Ah.
Yes, very (GROANS)
Oh, dear.
SNEED: It's burning a hole in my mouth.
HETTY: Quickly. This way.
- Come on, quickly.
Cold compress on her. Splint that.
Some doctors would be nice.
Dr. Dawkins.
Lady Belle. Can you
take him to the ward?
Are you even sober?
- Three sheets to the wind.
- One sheet better than Prof usually is.
Get your things. I need you in the ward.
Aputi, bring him in here.
You scarpered.
Fled. There's a difference in speed.
Look what I snaffled.
There's a good half
ounce of ochre there.
As I always say, "Never
let an opportunity pass."
Really? Because it seems
that you're pillaging people
in the midst of chaos for a thrill.
Well, life needs its bright spots.
Speaking of which, I heard tell
that the colony's booze is
Not now.
We'll have a natter later then.
Sir, Gaines has attacked the townsfolk.
Oh, dear. Yes.
Have we got any medicinal wine?
- I ran out earlier today, and I was
- Sir, did you hear me?
Him and his men have
beaten up the entire town.
- What?
- And he's banned alcohol.
What? Good God, man!
Broken femur. I've given
him a grain of morphia
Are you licensed to prescribe
medications, Lady Belle?
No, but my father employs you.
Yes. She's right about the morphia.
All right, now, we haven't
got time for traction.
Lady Belle, would you
have him bite the bit?
Aputi, hold him down while
I manage the procedure.
pull and twist.
- Nice job, Prof.
- It's the lack of drink, milady.
It makes everything distressingly clear.
The lad'll probably bleed out, Dawkins.
A break like that usually
nicks the arteries.
There's nothing more we could have
done. Not with bleeding like that.
- Hetty, have you eaten anything at all?
- No time.
Captain Gaines, I will
be speaking to my father!
Have you come to finish them off?
Blinded in one eye, a fractured
skull, and a ruptured femoral artery!
All the results of resisting
lawful execution of a warrant.
And that's young Alfie
Wilderkins if I'm not mistaken.
This is a very good day indeed.
I want the men responsible
Well, that would be me.
You'll need to tell the Governor
his right hand is a criminal.
Yes. That is a very good idea.
Arrest them. They're accomplices.
- All right. You, come with me.
- No.
- REDCOAT: Get up.
- WOMAN: No.
They need medical care. I
can't let you take my patients.
They were never your patients,
Lady Belle. They're my prisoners.
Stand aside.
Your father indulges you.
If you were my daughter
I'd run away. Like your wife.
Oi! Doc, you're needed over here.
Pity you didn't strike me, Dawkins.
Your father can stop this.
Where do you think I'm going?
Right. Here we go.
Hair of the rat.
I need to find what Gaines cares
about the most and rip it from him.
Hit him where he'll howl.
No, Dodge, provoking the lobsters
head on, that's not our way.
He's turning this place
into a floating prison yard.
Which it technically is.
And what's priceless
in a prison? Contraband.
He's done us a service,
he's turned liquor into gold.
And you know what's useful
about me being on your ward?
I got word from an injured farrier,
about where they're takin'
all that purloined grog.
Gaines is knocking my
patients' skulls in,
and all you're thinking
about is nicking grog!
It's because we're pickpockets.
We're not the cavalry.
We melt into shadows, we
spot our moments, we survive.
Now, I've got a man on
the inside. Literally.
- These people matter to me, Fagin.
- Ah, very pretty.
That's a lovely sentiment. Very noble.
Look, a stagecoach goes by
with a year's worth of grog.
Flashbang's hiding inside
one of the crates
What happened to you to make you
so shrivelled with self-interest?
Cold winds, Dodge. Cold winds.
A stick with brass tacks
on it that fell on me back
no matter how much I begged.
A belly that gnawed and never got
filled, except for gruel or filth,
and creeping hands in cold alleys
and the dark nights without a roof.
- All right, I get the idea.
- Yes.
Things that you and Oliver
never had to worry about,
because I always made sure you boys
had a blanket and a fire and a meal,
and the means to get
them when you was grown.
Then why not show some of that
same sympathy to these people now?
Look, you can give yourself
to this crowd if you want,
you can pretend you've found a home.
But most people are bastards who
will cross you as soon as spit.
And then when the night turns,
the only one who'll be loyal
to yourself is yourself, and me.
- Until it inconveniences you.
- You're one to talk.
You get a hole in your chest and
you want to fill it up with crime,
'till Lady bloody Cheekbones
twitches her skirt,
then you drop me and you piss off.
Well, I'm your family, Dodge.
I'm your home, when you
condescend to acknowledge me.
- Hold fire!
Gaines has gone mad. People
have lost their lives.
No, surely not. I counselled moderation.
- Have you seen what's going on out there?
- No, but
Oh, my word, that's lovely.
The hospital is overrun.
Beaten by Gaines' men.
And I'm sorry you had to see that.
The hospital really
is no place for a lady.
But I bear good news, Excellency.
Your operation has flushed out
the notorious Kit Wilderkins.
Oh, Gaines, that is wonderful news.
You ordered this, Father?
Gaines is firm, darling,
but there's a reason he
kept our men alive in Africa.
No, but he's maiming
people. He's killing them.
All regrettable incidents.
Some were resisting arrest and
attacking your men, Governor.
I shall pray for their souls.
Tell me, does your friend, Dr.
Dawkins, ever cause a patient pain?
Of course, in trying to help to
Cure. Yes.
And does Dr. Dawkins ever accidentally
kill any of these patients?
And I'm sure he mourns it, as I do.
You see, a colony is
very much like a body
Yes, I've read Hobbes.
Then you will know that sometimes
we must hurt in order to heal.
A young man bled to death
in the hospital overnight.
- What of his family?
- Ah, yes. Very sad.
Alfie Wilderkins, only 18.
Kit Wilderkins was his father.
Together they held up the Murchings
Bank stage coach last month,
and killed three people.
Corporal Hartmouth was begging
for mercy when they shot him.
Hartmouth had two dear little
children, Rosie and William.
Look, it's one thing
to lose a man in battle,
but to crime?
It's hard to explain to the widow.
You see, Lady Belle,
sometimes we need to cut a
rotten part of the body politic
in order to cure the whole.
I know what part of the
body politic I'd be removing.
Oh, thank you, Captain Gaines.
Darling, I know you disapprove
of Gaines and his methods.
But I've been asked to turn
a penal colony into a society.
And I need men like him to make
a prison into something better.
Now, I'm not asking you
to accept everything I do,
but I am asking you to
support me and this family.
There better be a cold
beer after this, Fagin.
Cold? What do you want it cold for?
Now listen, Flashy's
secreted in a crate of cognac.
Now, as soon as the carriage passes by,
he's gonna give us a little
thumbs-up from inside his crate
to let us know that it's all on track.
As soon as he's through
the warehouse door,
he hops out, lets us in,
Robert's your father's daughter.
RED: We're takin' a new route!
Keep driving or I'll
shoot you in the eye!
Frances Scrubbs, I take it you're Red.
The lockdown has delivered.
Change of plan.
Take the back road to Government House.
It's the only safe
place for this liquor.
Bloody hell.
What'd your father say?
When's he going to stop this?
Yes, I have spoken to my father.
There are two sides to
this. It's not as clear as
He's dead. How much clearer could it be?
Right, if you're to
be like that, Jack
I cannot believe you would
give that man's story credence.
I don't give a fig about Gaines,
but I do trust my father's word on this.
- You can't agree with their methods.
- Obviously not.
That boy bled to death in front of us.
No, he was a bushranger, who
killed one of Father's men.
- So they say.
- He's my father.
He's many things, but he's not a liar.
He's trying to bring peace to a colony
you have to admit is out of control.
- Did you mean to walk into a cupboard?
- Obviously not!
Gosh. You are incredibly irritating.
So are you. 'Cause you won't listen
to anyone else's point of view.
All I'm saying is it is not clear-cut.
Look, you either want to be a
doctor, who cares for everybody,
no matter how spotty their soul
may be, or you are "milady,"
who gives six of the best to
the peasants when we get uppity.
Uppity? I know you had
your past indiscretions,
but these were bushrangers who
killed three men, one a father.
Some people need to
thieve in order to eat.
- And that can lead to death, too.
Have you ever seen anybody
dead on the streets from hunger?
Have you ever paid for
anything you've eaten?
Or worn, or lived in?
That's a false syllogism.
Whatever that is, it is not.
If you can't see what
is happening here, Belle,
then you and I have big problems.
This puts a wall between us.
You climbed it fine when
you kissed me in the surgery.
I kissed you? You kissed me.
Whoever did, it won't happen again.
Gaines has got Red.
What? Wait, you can't go.
- What? He'll hang her.
- He'll hang you too. You're an accomplice.
She's with child.
I suppose we can't just shoot this one?
Law being what it is.
It's a galvanising event when
a woman hangs, Your Honour.
I suppose you're right.
GAINES: A long drop for
this one or a short one?
She's round enough not
to need the long one.
- Door.
- Yes, sir.
You do know you're going to hang?
There's no way around that.
But there are ways of hanging
that are almost humane.
A long drop, and the neck snaps.
Just like falling asleep.
A short drop, and you choke
to death, dancing on a rope,
fouling yourself in
front of a baying crowd.
I don't want to see that for you.
I actually admire you.
You've been the most wanted person
on my list for nearly four years,
and you were working in my own house.
The laundry woman.
I know you know Jack Dawkins.
I know you're in league somehow.
Tell me everything you know about him,
and I'll use the long rope.
RED: Do you think you're frightening?
You're not. You're small and weak.
Hang me, you bastard. I'll be dead.
But there'll be more like me
who'll seek the same revenge.
You started this. I just fought back.
But you'll pay for what
you're going to do to me.
- You appear to be pissing yourself.
She isn't pissing herself, Gaines.
Hello, madam. I'm Dr. Dawkins.
I'm sorry for your circumstances.
She's with child.
Her waters have broken,
Justice Micawber.
GAINES: That shouldn't
make any difference.
The child's innocent,
so, legally, it does.
She'll plead the belly.
That's a rather fine-grained
MICAWBER: No. Law's the law.
Dawkins fixes her,
you get your public hanging
and everyone's happy. Right.
Thank you, Judge.
Get me out of this, or I'll
tell Gaines everything I know.
Prepare the ground floor room.
What have you done?
Why did you do it?
I reckon it's a girl.
When she's born, take
her to the aunties.
Teach her to speak in
our tongue and theirs,
so she can beat them at their own game.
I don't want her to just
survive like we had to, Tim.
Promise me.
HETTY: Sergeant, please
leave. We've got to reveal her.
Don't touch me. I won't
be touched by a man.
If I don't touch you, you'll both die.
- Red, just let Jack
- No!
At least let Hetty look at you.
You can't stay. I know this.
She won't let me do
anything if you stay.
- Oh, good, the day improves.
- Hurtful.
- Listen, that booze robbery of ours.
- Yes. The one I told you not to do.
Wise insight on your part,
but it appears Flashbang's
still in a crate.
- Get him out.
- Thank you, admirable solution.
The thing is, Flashy's hid in
a crate of top-shelf cognac,
which the kitchen lad said is
still in the Governor's study.
I don't have time. Red's having a
baby. I'm trying to keep her alive.
What do you wanna do that for?
Save the kid. It's not their
fault. I'll take it under me wing.
But she has been a blight on
every single job we've ever done
and she can't meddle if she's dead.
She's Tim's promise.
She's carrying his child.
HETTY: Jack?
Baby's coming feet first and
she's too far gone to turn it.
She'll need a caesarean.
And she'll die if we do that.
She might not if you did it.
She won't let me touch her.
What about Princess Whatserface?
If you talked her
through, and I assisted?
She's not trained.
You've spent an awful lot
of time not training her.
FAGIN: No, hold up.
Old Cheekybones is a very good notion.
I'm starting to see there is a certain
symmetry to our objectives here.
- Belle?
- Booze.
Come on, you sack of bones!
I've come to accept that you
were Sneed's first choice.
You must have laughed
at how ardent I was.
No one was laughing.
But what's one small defeat
before true love sets its course?
It's something Sneedy and I
may laugh about in the future,
when he almost married the wrong sister.
I believe that love can blossom
where the soil is fertile,
and I'm certainly that.
I've decided to kiss Dr. Sneed.
Fully. On the lips.
But how does one do it?
Are the lips open or closed?
And if closed, how does one
breathe? Through the nose or mouth?
I'm not an expert.
- FANNY: Hello.
- FAGIN: Hello, ladies.
Don't worry, I'm just here to
stop him makin' a fool of himself.
Too late.
I've had some time to think. You
know what your real problem is?
I haven't come here
to discuss my problems.
You two are getting along,
so, I'll shuffle off.
- Are you going to kiss now?
- BOTH: No.
Do you want to come and do
a very dangerous surgery?
- FLASHBANG: Let me out!
- Right.
- Come on. Shh!
- Took you bloody long enough.
- FAGIN: Flashbang, stop!
What are you doing? We've gotta go.
God, I'm trying.
It won't stop.
- GOVERNOR: Yes. Now
- FAGIN: Come on!
- GOVERNOR: Especially for the cognac.
- FAGIN: Flashbang!
All right, I'm nearly
Leave that. Come on.
Did I really drink all that?
BELLE: A caesarean?
- And you want me to do it?
- Is that a problem?
No, it's not a problem.
It's just that the mother rarely
tends to survive if the procedure
Hello again.
Sorry about the pissing,
Fagin, I just couldn't Whoa!
Hello, Your Majesty.
Hello. Is this a criminal conspiracy?
In a manner of speakin', yes.
FANNY: If you're going
to the hospital, Belle,
I'm coming to see Sneedy.
Oh, my God.
Fagin, I need you to
give the guards some grog.
Keep them away from us. Get
the Prof nice and sloppy too.
That's a lot of me bottles
being given back to the lobsters.
Also, in moral and in retail
terms, it's against me principles.
What I'm circling to here is, why?
Because we're gonna
break Red out of here.
That'll shit Gaines off, won't it?
Save some lives, too.
- Did I kiss too hard?
- No, it was your bloody pepper jelly.
Look what it's done to
me, woman. Look at me.
- Sorry to disturb you, Professor,
but I've happened upon
this bottle of '21 cognac,
and I'm lacking the
appropriate glassware. Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Would hardly do justice
to such a fine libation
to just guzzle it down
from a filthy tankard.
- Mmm!
- Can I
That is moreish, isn't it?
I'll leave you, then.
No, come in, Mr. Fagin.
I'll pay you for it. Do
you have any more of this?
Another eight, I think?
Oi, Wellington, come
and try this. Come here.
Come on, I won't tell.
It's like angels pissing in your mouth.
I'll tell Gaines I prescribed it.
If it's doctor's orders.
DODGER: Red, this is Lady Belle.
She's going to be doing
the procedure on you today.
You need to make an incision eight
inches in length, along the linea alba.
The baby's coming out the wrong
way, so be careful not to
Lacerate the face. Yes.
Now, once you do make the cut,
it'll all happen very fast,
I need you to control
the bleeding and
- Tie it off fast.
- Yes.
DODGER: All right.
Not spoilt for choice, am I?
No. Just me.
All right then, Silver-spoon.
Don't mess it up.
She's out.
I don't think I can do it alone.
You're not. I'm here.
Now, come on, Doctor. Cut.
She gives birth and they just hang her?
Not if she's already dead.
How does that bloody help, Jack?
I can't do another bottle, Dodge.
This bloke could drink the harbour.
How sloppy is he?
He's a blind weasel that dances.
(SINGING) Discovery
Right, good. See if you can get
him to morose badger, would you?
Where's Flashbang and Aputi?
They're in your quarters drinking
the rest of me bloody booze.
I need a female corpse
from the deadhouse.
I'll go and tell them.
How is it in there? Do
you have the head yet?
Nearly. I have it now.
Now, pull up and out.
HETTY: Just one more cut.
She's out. Come on, Belle.
- Please breathe.
DODGER: Now stitch her, fascia first.
Is Red all right?
BELLE: She's breathing steady, Tim.
(SINGING) I know a man
with a turnip for a nose
A dodo for an ear
And a budgie for a teapot
I know a man with a budgie for a teapot
Go on. Have another
splash. There you go.
ALASTAIR: I must sing you
my song about the mermaid.
Although, caution,
it does have some physiologically
implausible elements.
We did it. Hetty and I,
we kept them both alive.
In time for your father to hang her.
Well done.
No! You're body snatching!
Pretty standard in our line of work.
You can't be serious.
This is the only way to save
her. Clearly pregnant. Very good.
Row, row, row, now, now
Clearly not pregnant. This a man.
Big Kit's all we had in
the deadhouse, Dr. Jack.
I puked all down me dressing
gown He's a dirty old banana
This is madness! It can't work!
And it's a capital offence!
So is killing a mother before she's even
put her own child to her breast.
So, what's more important, milady?
GAINES: Where is she?
- What in the devil?
- I was assisting the nurse.
I fear the mother and
baby died on the table.
How does one bear this
sort of loss, Captain?
You can't go in. Her body's undressed.
For shame.
And you, a Godly man.
Have you no decency?
I need to see the body.
What are you going to do,
Captain? Hang her corpse?
Have the Professor bring
me the death certificate.
- Dr. Dawkins can sign it.
I would find it much more
reliable if the Professor signs it.
You couldn't save the child?
Life delivers some mortal blows.
So many of my patients
have died on the table
We really are rather
pressed for time, Professor.
Very hairy wrists,
like my own Eunice.
No. Sadly, no pulse.
No movement.
What a terrible shame.
Here, Professor. Sign.
- Just here. Your name.
- Ah, yes.
Are they telling the
truth? Is the woman dead?
To weep is to make
less the depth of grief.
- You're quite certain she's
- Fifty years of surgery, man.
Don't tell me I don't know
a corpse when I see one.
I see several a day.
Give the woman and her child their last
tatters of dignity in death, man.
How dare you, Gaines?
This is my jurisdiction.
Now get out of my hospital
or I'll have the Governor
put you on a charge.
The new mother and father.
You're not moving in.
You're just sore I rolled
the booze carriage before you.
If you got nibbed by the
pigs, I wouldn't crow about it.
The soldiers are gone.
Thought I should let you know.
And to check on my patient.
Now, I'm not here for praise.
But resuscitation of a mother
in a caesarean is so rare,
were I a real surgeon, it
would be one for The Lancet.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
However, to be thrust into a body
swapping heist to break out a convict
I only lied to preserve
my patient's life.
And as you are no longer my
patient, I will not do it again.
The most I can offer is my silence.
Yeah, that'll do.
But please do not mistake
this for my consent.
Thievery is still thievery.
Your family are the biggest
thieves in Port Victory.
GOVERNOR: I know you're a
little bit disappointed, Gaines,
but given the fact you've arrested
the two most notorious
bushrangers in the colony,
I thought it was safe
to reintroduce alcohol.
But you are to be greatly
commended for your heroic actions.
A snap lockdown, in moderation,
enormously effective.
Actually, I thought we should celebrate.
I've saved some of my special
cognac just for you, Gaines.
Well done.
I think it's gone off.
I shared my first kiss.
With Sneed?
And did you enjoy it?
Mixed. At first, it was lovely.
But then I think I hurt him rather
badly. He was quite angry, actually.
Someone'll sweep you off your
feet when you least expect it
in the most inconvenient of moments.
- I had a thought.
- Mmm?
Considering your health,
perhaps you and Dr. Dawkins
could have a long, happily
unconsummated love affair
until he walks off, desolate,
into the windswept moors
We don't have moors here.
But yes, that is a nice thought.
- Thank you, Rotty.
- Thank you.
So, our old Cheekybones did well.
Yeah. She did, didn't she?
Still, it's not really her world, is it?
And you've got to remember,
Dodge, hers isn't yours.
I must warn you I am a little bit drunk.
In fact, I am approaching
strutting pigeon.
So am I, now.
The crime,
it's not just for survival.
You actually love it.
The worst parts of me do.
It's hopeless, isn't it?
Oh, yes. We are completely unsuited.
We should really never
see each other socially.
No, that wouldn't be right.
Holy hell, we're in trouble.
So much trouble.
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