The Avengers (1961) s04e12 Episode Script

Two's a Crowd

Steed? Steed! Ow! - That's a fiver you owe me, Major.
- Oh? I'm forgetting the introductions.
Mrs Peel, Major Carson.
- How do you do? - Delighted to make your acquaintance.
I told you, Mrs Peel has all the qualifications for the job.
What job? The Major's from the Department, assigned to me until after the conference.
- What conference? - Meeting of defence chiefs.
Day after tomorrow.
We're pretty certain there's going to be an attempt to infiltrate.
- By whom? - Colonel Psev.
[Steed] There are spies and spies, but he's the king of them all.
- This is only part of his dossier.
- Most impressive.
Yes, but we haven't the faintest idea what he looks like, not even a photo.
But we are certain Psev is in the country.
Wherever he goes, so does his entourage.
And we do have pictures of them.
Alicia Elena, secretary.
Vogel, first assistant.
Shvedloff, the second assistant.
- Pudeshkin - Third assistant? They all arrived last night.
Apart from these four, no one's ever seen Psev.
And you think he'll gate-crash the conference? - Sure of it.
- Difficult to identify, - a man without a face.
- But he is human.
He has certain habits and weaknesses, like this.
Crème de violette.
Very partial to cigars, Jamaican.
Torpedo No.
Also a very snappy dresser.
Owns more suits than an army of stockbrokers.
And he has one very special hobby.
I'm sure you'll find it fascinating, Mrs Peel.
Most realistic.
Oh, yes, yes.
Um, it also has, er receiver and servos? All our models are radio-controlled, sir.
Oh, yes, um I would like complete outfit with all the accessories and I will take it myself.
Very good, sir.
I shan't keep you long.
Thank you.
Confirms it, then.
Sergei Ivenko, a minor official of their embassy.
No doubt about it, Psev's in town.
I've never let you down yet, Colonel Psev.
I'll attend to it immediately.
Ivenko! - I'll take that.
- Yes, Ambassador.
Yes, Colonel, he's just arrived.
Yes, he's two minutes late.
- Brodny, you're two minutes late.
- Yes, well, Ivenko was Both requests were transmitted an hour ago.
- Elena.
- Shh.
Lunch? Yes, of course, Colonel.
Omelette au caviar with sour cream, Châteaubriand and zabaglione to follow.
- Please, Ambassador.
- Oh.
Colonel Psev objects to cold coffee.
So sorry.
- Brodny, you have the Colonel's cigars? - Oh, yes.
Yes, and the model kit too.
Please, allow me Only personal staff are allowed in this office.
- Remember, Ambassador? - Yes, um Brodny, you are to remain.
But I have got a great deal of work.
Brodny, those cigars The Colonel has asked me to give you a message.
A message? - You have a message for me? - Yes.
Torpedo No.
3, not 2.
And in boxes of 100 in future, please.
The Colonel's liqueur, you have it? La crème de violette? Oh, well, I have tried everywhere.
Our man in Paris had the same difficulty.
Ah, poor Lemko.
Whatever happened to him? But comrades, I'm still trying and I'm sure I will find a bottle.
- I promise.
- The ministry file is complete? In every detail, but the conference room is impregnable.
Who is this John Steed? Um security.
But incorruptible.
I know him personally.
- I'm having him watched.
- [Shvedloff] Brodny You know the purpose of this conference is to plan the Polaris submarine bases? The Colonel intends to obtain this information.
Yes, well, I hope he does.
But I'm sorry, I fear that he may return home empty-handed.
If he does, Brodny, you will be coming with us.
[Buzz of conversation] You're out of luck, sir.
We haven't a drop in the place.
Are you certain? I have looked everywhere.
Crème de violette.
- Cream of violet.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Steed.
- Brodny, my old comrade.
You're not going out there? Terrible weather we're having.
Might just as well be in Siberia.
Now, this is on me.
What was the gentleman drinking? - He wasn't - I was taking a vodka.
- Yes, I'll have a vodka.
- I thought you hated the filthy stuff.
- Oh, no, not me.
- Now, be honest.
British gin's your favourite tipple.
Oh, no, you're mistaken.
I drink nothing but vodka.
I love it.
I needed that.
Since you're so partial, have another one.
I'll have a brandy, please.
By the way, you don't look too well.
I know it can't be homesickness.
- Shh, please! - You told me that if you were transferred - you'd rather cut your - You're disturbing the other customers.
Well down the hatch.
It's perfection.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I must be going now.
Oh, Brodny.
A small gift to cement relations.
Oh, crème de violette! - Of course, if you'd prefer vodka - Oh, no, I like a good liqueur.
- Oh! - Steady, very rare.
- I'll keep it for my very special friends.
- I should.
- Thank you.
- Hope the Colonel enjoys it.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
Boris, Andrei, he wants you.
- I I've got - And hurry, he is in one of his moods.
- I've got - [Elena] Wait, don't forget his pills.
I've got the liqueur, comrade.
- What's this for? - Fashion show.
The Colonel wants details of new season's trends.
But I know nothing about fashions.
Then take Ivenko with you.
[Announcer] 'Here's David Ryan wearing a dinner jacket of the very latest material, 'elegant, conservative in cut, 'but with a host of hidden extras.
'The driest martini just rolls off it.
'Flame and fluff-proof.
'Anyone for a cocktail? 'And now something for the man who refuses to be pushed around, 'for the man who sets his own trend, 'for the man who whips up a soufflé of sartorial surprises, 'and adds just that teeny pinch of the unexpected.
'Riviera revels, capers at Cannes, 'moonlight in Monte.
'Showing you what's right, what's in for every occasion, 'is Gordon Webster.
'A shirt of sheer silk to set you singing.
'Stylish, a hat with a dash of panache.
'Roguish, an ensemble that spells "man".
'The chapeau-ist with the mostest and slacks built for action.
'Wear them when swinging the cha-cha' What do you think, Ambassador? Oh, yes, excellent.
Order it.
'Man and girls, 'that shirt is proof against lipstick.
'Yes, the shirt is one of our large range.
'This one called Rendezvous 'comes in a variety of colours and patterns 'and each is hand sewn.
'The slacks are saddle-stitched along the outside seam, 'cut by English craftsmen, 'designed by Italian genius.
'The hat is a lightweight of straw with a silk head lining.
'This too comes in a variety of styles and colour schemes.
' [Ringing tone] 'Hello, Steed here.
'Hello? 'Anybody there? Hello? Hello?' - Ambassador? - Shh! 'Here's Gordon Webster again, showing us 'what the all-fishin', all-shootin', all-huntin' man is wearing this year.
'Designed for the man who likes his sport in the rough, 'a man who keeps his eye on the target 'whether it's rod and line or smooth bore.
'This is the outfit for you, 'cunningly cut to accentuate that male, male build, 'yet it remains loose and easy for action wear.
'Gentlemen, really an outfit to go stag in.
' Like twins, I tell you.
Well, I was struck with the idea immediately.
Ivenko, you will vouch? It was my idea, hm? A perfect double for Steed, and not only that.
I checked with the model agency.
Ivenko, you will vouch? - I checked - You've already told us several times.
Yes His name is Webster, Gordon Webster.
He's an actor by profession but an opportunist by nature.
He drinks, he gambles, he womanises.
He is corruptible.
- We get the point.
- Yes.
Comrades, don't you see? This is a magnificent opportunity to infiltrate the conference room.
- Now, I think - Colonel Psev will do the thinking.
[Brodny] Of course, naturally.
- Well? - I am to congratulate you, Ambassador.
The Colonel thinks it is an excellent idea.
But there is work to be done.
Withdraw the man watching Steed's apartment.
- Withdraw? - We must not arouse suspicion.
- And these files on Steed - Oh, yes, I compiled them myself.
- They are inadequate.
- I quite agree.
I have a staff of morons.
The Colonel wants up-to-the-minute material.
Steed's apartment must be wired for sound.
No, it's impossible.
A wily fox like Steed would never - You will attend to it personally.
- No, with all due respect, I am a diplomat, not a cloak-and-dagger agent.
You have Steed's confidence.
Go to him.
- Here.
- Is it raining out? It contains a transmitter.
Place it in Steed's apartment.
Ambassador Do you always squeeze the toothpaste from the middle? - No, I never did until I got married.
- [Buzzer] I'm not expecting anyone.
I'd better crawl back into the woodwork.
From whence you came.
- Ambassador Brodny! - To improve relations.
For me? How nice! But I really can't Nonsense, dear chap.
I I insist you drink my health.
Well, this is charming.
Charming! Oh, but I have interrupted you.
Please As a matter of fact, I do have a pressing engagement.
Well, then, you mustn't let me delay you.
Won't you stay and have a drink? - Not for me, old boy.
- Do you mind if I do? Not at all, not at all.
That's the whole idea.
Well - Chin-chin! - But surely you Extraordinary fellow.
- You have planted the umbrella? - With no trouble.
I had no trouble at all.
[Phone rings] Yes, Colonel Psev? The television.
Yes, immediately.
He wants you, Boris.
Are you going to switch it on.
[Newsreader] 'In a few moments we'll see the arrival 'of the commanders of the Western Defence Commission, 'here for preliminary talks 'prior to the main conference to be held in 48 hours.
' 'Well, I think they're ready for us now so over we go to Westminster.
' [Journalist] 'As you can see, 'the Western Defence chiefs are just arriving.
' That's him, that's Steed.
Mr Gordon Webster is here.
[Journalist] 'I wish this important conference every success.
'Peace, armed peace, 'is the thought uppermost in the minds 'of the responsible commanders here today.
' Hold your horses, old fruit.
I'm driving.
[Shvedloff] Another won't hurt you.
Oh, fill me up, ducky.
Thank you.
Cigar? - You certainly do yourselves proud.
- With the compliments of Colonel Psev.
Who's Colonel Psev when he's at home? Senior boy, eh? That the headmaster's study? Teeny, weeny bit above my head.
Oh, ho! Fully operational, eh? Used to fly one of these little jobs.
Before you were cashiered? We are fully conversant with your background, Mr Webster.
No need to tell you, then, eh? Who's the aeromodeller? Oh, don't tell me.
Colonel Psev.
- A light for Mr Webster.
- [Ivenko] Yes, sir.
- Oh - You fool! Now you've done it! Telephone the shop and get a replacement immediately.
Yes, sir.
No, not from here.
[Shvedloff] I agree with you, Josef.
Time he was returned home.
As I was saying, Mr Webster, there is very little we don't know about you.
You have a record.
- You gamble - Let's see the colour of your cards.
Pack's incomplete.
Sorry, ducky.
[Phone rings] Aeromodels.
A replacement for what? Oh, yes, sir.
I have one in stock.
Certainly, sir.
I'll deliver it personally.
And that is only a deposit, Mr Webster.
Stakes are tempting, old sport.
I want to know what sort of game it is.
I like to know the rules before I start.
Dispose of this man and then impersonate him.
- Yes, the resemblance is quite striking.
- Yes, it is, isn't it? Ha! How tall is he? 6 foot 2.
I'm a bit shorter than that.
Maybe we could use lifts.
- He is better-looking.
- Oh, I don't know, ducky.
Ha! Could you do it? Er, well, yeah, I think so.
Why? Isn't that reason enough? I suppose I could with a bit of coaching.
You'll get that.
I've got to get his mannerisms, the voice.
You'll also need to study this.
Mrs Peel.
She's a close friend of Steed's.
Lucky Steed! [Click] [Phone ringing] It's Steed.
He's in the apartment.
- He's phoning.
- 'Hello, Security? Steed here.
'Defence chiefs all safely delivered.
'I wired Paris.
Admiral Lefrère should be with us in an hour or so.
'Plane delayed through engine trouble.
'Yes, not to worry, sir.
Everything's under control.
' [Steed hangs up] Well? [As Steed] I wired Paris, sir.
Admiral Lefrère should be here in an hour or so.
Er, plane to [As Webster] Oh, it's too difficult.
Um [As Steed] Not to worry, sir.
Everything under control, sir.
That's really excellent.
Good day, I am from Aeromodels.
- I will take it.
- There's ã2 to pay.
[Ivenko] All right, Greesha, I will see to it.
[Ivenko] Come in, please.
All right, Greesha.
Thank you for being so prompt.
- ã2.
- Oh, yes.
- Er, I will just - Ah.
Please, wait one moment.
[Laughter] Excuse me, please.
Thank you.
Here's the ã2.
- Thank you.
- This way, please.
Scout's honour, I haven't been near the embassy all day.
Steed, a joke's a joke, but I saw you.
[Steed] Reeve it through the cringle.
[Major] I know.
I need smaller fingers.
What are you up to? You were at the embassy today.
I went to meet the Western Defence chiefs, delivered them at their hotel and came back here.
- Right, Major? - Correct.
Left 12:31, returned 02:47.
Then the man I saw was a twin, an absolute double.
[Steed] 'Oh, come now, Mrs Peel.
'If I had a twin, Mother would have mentioned it.
' If he believes her, we're done for.
But you have a double.
If I'm right, Psev could be planning a swap to get him into the conference.
How could he do that with my watchdog here? Anyway, if I had a double, you'd notice it in 30 seconds.
People may look alike but they don't behave alike.
So, what are we worrying about? It's quite difficult to tell us apart.
- Remarkable.
- Astonishing.
- Fantastic.
- Perfect.
We are all agreed, then.
The resemblance is superb.
Well, Ambassador? If I might make a slight criticism Don't you think he lacks a certain panache? - Nonsense.
- Ridiculous.
- Rubbish.
- Poppycock.
He's an exact replica, perfect in every detail.
- Exact replica, yes.
- Thank you, ducky.
Anyway, tomorrow we will put it to the final test.
Oh? Yes, Mr Brodny has arranged a little cocktail party.
- But if Steed's going to be there - We have a plan to divert him.
You will take his place.
Oh, so if Mrs Peel accepts me as the real Steed Then you will have passed the acid test.
You had better leave now.
We must not risk an accidental meeting.
Go to your apartment and await our call.
Just one point, old sport.
Supposing Mrs Peel rumbles the fact that there are two Steeds? Then there will be one less Mrs Peel.
You're taking a bit of a risk, aren't you? Leaving your watchdog behind.
He hasn't been invited.
Besides, it's worth the risk if we spot Psev.
- Do you think he'll be there? - Mingling amongst the party guests.
- [Phone rings] - Must be the telephone.
Hello, Steed here.
'Communication Centre calling.
Message for you.
' Report A.
, room six, urgent.
? My goodness me.
I'll be there.
- I'm wanted.
- But what about the party? - You'd rather not? - Oh, I would.
I might spot Psev.
He'll be there, cigar in one hand, liqueur in the other, and flourishing a copy of the Aeromodeller, no doubt.
- Drop me off and take the car on? - All right.
Major Carson, make yourself at home and feel free to take off that raincoat.
He can't do that.
[Tutting] She should be here by now.
Ivenko, the clothes brush.
And Josef, another box of cigars.
Hurry, the Colonel is nearly dressed.
Mrs Peel has arrived.
Great Scott! Steed is with her.
He's gone.
Well, call Webster! - Your liqueur, my dear.
- Thank you, darling.
[Brodny] I just love the Cotswolds at this time of year.
Beautiful! - Excuse me.
- Ah, Mrs Peel.
So happy you could come.
That's nice.
You are not smoking it.
- I I haven't seen Steed anywhere.
- Oh, he'll be round shortly.
I wonder, would you please excuse me? The cultural attaché.
- Aren't you ready yet? - I can't move any faster.
Here from Vogel, in case of trouble.
- Are you expecting any? - Heaven forbid.
Don't play games.
Yes, it's very good.
It's perfect.
- The carnation.
- I know! All right.
He's coming.
Here - Steed has arrived.
- Oh? Made it after all.
What's this? - It says champagne on the label.
- Ah - Over-chilled, as usual.
- Mm-hm.
- You don't seem very glad to see me.
- Well, of course I am, Steed.
- Great Scott! - What's the matter? - The carnation.
- Try this.
Your warmth has improved it, Mrs Peel.
What was the call about? Er, just a final screening.
- Will Fido be all right on Saturday? - Steed Someone is dying to meet you.
- A thousand pardons.
- Back in a few moments.
- What's wrong? - All this green stuff and silver paper.
- Steed would never wear this.
- I don't know, I rather like it.
You fool! Why don't you put a stick of celery in there as well? Let me trim this foliage for you, darling.
Any time, ducky.
By the way, who's Fido? She asked me about Fido.
Brodny, who's Fido? - Fido, Fido.
- Don't you know? - Fido? - Quick.
She is waiting for Steed.
- Fid Fide Oh, yes, I've got it.
Yes, it's, um It's a vintage motor car, yes.
- Yes.
- Shut up.
I hope you've got it right this time.
Well, come on, now.
Let's circulate.
Now, where were we? I was asking about Fido.
Oh, yes, she needed an oil change but she'll be ready for the owners' club meeting.
Will you hang onto this for a moment? - Hello, Major.
This is Mrs Peel - [Line goes dead] Major? Major? As you were, Mrs Peel.
- Afraid she spotted me, gentlemen.
- That Ivenko.
Seems a shame but what shall we do? - Dispatch her? - No.
As our Colonel would say, a hostage in the hand is worth two in the tomb.
Ivenko? I was just coming to look for you.
Lucky man.
How I envy you! At this time of year, too.
Oh, the blossom will be on the trees.
The smell of the pine forests! Your ticket.
Ticket? You're going home, Ivenko.
- Ambassador, I'm very sorry - Oh, it's all forgotten.
Happy journey.
[Door closes] Hello, Mr Steed? - Who's that? - 'Ivenko, Sergei Ivenko.
'I must have asylum.
' I need protection.
If the government will help me, I have information, much information.
I also know the identity of Psev.
Psev? Where can I meet you? Can you meet me here in the embassy grounds in half an hour? - 'Near the lake.
' - All right.
- Steed! - Shh.
- All ready for broiling? - Would you mind? - I'll need a knife.
- They often have one on a desk.
Ha! - What happened? - I was right.
They had found a double.
They hoped to get him into the conference but they tried him on me and I spotted him.
How? Well, I know you.
- Do you? - Come on.
Well, come on.
You see? Perfect.
Webster, Gordon Webster.
It was such a bad rehearsal yesterday, the Colonel requested a final one.
- And I wasn't fooled for a minute.
- Weren't you? Here.
A map of London.
Steed's apartment.
Duplicate key.
And It will be necessary to deal with Major Carson as well.
Any order of precedence? [Vogel] Just do it.
You will take Steed's pass and also his briefcase.
You will then proceed to the ministry building here.
The conference room is on the third floor.
Once inside, you should be able to move about quite freely.
Take as many photographs as you can.
I set up my tripod, my reflex, my flash equipment.
It's a miniature camera.
Crafty! - Chic.
- You've worn it many times.
- It was a gift from Mrs Peel.
- Very considerate of the little lady.
[Vogel] Right, any questions? How do I get into Steed's apartment? There will be a car at your disposal.
Then you will drive Yes, what is it? Well wouldn't it be wise for someone in authority to accompany Webster? Oh, my dear fellow, don't think I don't have immense faith in you.
It's just that I don't trust you.
I think it is an excellent suggestion, Ambassador.
Yes, you see, um an assignment like this could be very dangerous.
It requires a man of tact, initiative, courage, someone able to think fast in an emergency.
By the way, please note that this suggestion, for the record, was my idea.
Oh, no.
Not me.
No, I would be no good at all.
You see, I am I am slow-witted, yes.
My mother always said to me "Sergei Dushinka," she said, "You're slow-witted.
" - And as for tact and initiative - But you are a diplomat.
- But comrade - It is agreed, then.
You will accompany Webster.
- Yes, comrade.
- Congratulations, comrade.
A chance to serve our glorious country and perhaps to die for it.
Come, we must report to the Colonel.
Never mind, old sport.
They'll give you a hero's funeral.
Remarkable resemblance, don't you think? Very good.
Your Adam's apple's a little larger, but I won't quibble.
Vogel was right.
If I could fool you, I could fool anybody, and I did, didn't I? Be honest, admit it.
Christmas or birthday? Or some special occasion? Hm watch the birdie! They're devilish clever, these foreign blokes.
Hope they don't torture her, eh, Brodny? Oh, no, not for the moment.
- She's the Colonel's insurance.
- Mr Webster? Oh, don't come with that loyalty kick.
There's no money in patriotism.
Here's to our success, Brodny, and my retirement.
Olé! - Are you mad? - Don't worry.
That's the form abroad.
Come, it's time.
Don't worry about Steed, ducky.
I'll see he doesn't suffer.
- Shall I phone from Steed's apartment? - No, no, that won't be necessary.
We have our own methods.
Our ambassador will keep us informed.
Thank you, squire.
[Phone rings] Brodny.
Hello, Brodny? Yes.
You will remain in the car.
Yes, we are all tuned in.
Webster has just entered the apartment building.
He should be at the door of Steed's apartment in exactly 15 seconds from now.
We have what you might call a front-row seat.
Josef, turn up the sound.
We don't want Mrs Peel to miss anything.
He should be at Steed's apartment in about five seconds.
Four three two one.
['Footsteps'] ['Key turning in lock'] [Carson] 'Who the devil Quick, Steed! ' [Two gunshots] [Phone rings] - Has he? - Shh.
He's in.
The conference is due to finish at 4:30.
We have one hour to wait.
[Timer bell rings] [Phone rings] Mission completed.
They are on their way back! - It was all my idea, you know.
- This will mean promotion for you.
- Do you think so? - They'll give you the order of Well, you name it, you'll get it.
- Ah, Webster.
- Ah.
- Photographs? - Let's get rid of this first.
The plan worked perfectly.
The Colonel Hi.
- The Colonel is a genius.
- The tie pin, please.
I'll take that.
- The film! - Not to worry, sport.
The snaps came out a treat.
I couldn't hand them to anyone except for Colonel Bogey.
- But - Here we go, then, all together.
I always say, safety in numbers.
He's a bashful baby, isn't he? No Psev, no film.
Here in England you have a very quaint saying: two heads are better than one.
We prefer four.
We are all Psev.
Pudeshkin, cipher expert.
Shvedloff, sabotage and elimination.
Elena, finance and administration.
Vogel, planning and operations.
Your initials.
Sure spells Psev.
And now, Mr Webster, the film.
Thank you.
- We are ready, Boris.
- Good.
Keep moving, Mrs Peel.
- Your loyalties really are confused.
- I wouldn't say that.
All right on your feet, Mr Webster.
- Steed.
- Oh, no, I know Steed.
We guessed that that quartet was Psev.
Well, the initials.
So Plessy and I set out to prove it.
That conference was a complete hoax, a bait.
The fact that you were fooled convinced them.
Have a look in that Have a look in that briefcase.
Go on! Whoever telephoned me got through on there.
Plessy and I decided to make a few recordings.
We faked my death at my apartment.
That glass in the fireplace, that was no accident.
Oh, no, you don't.
[Plane overhead] If you're not convinced, they certainly are.
Still not convinced? Turn around.
I'm convinced.
The bomber! She's out.
- Can you reach Plessy? - I can try.
[Radio interference] [Static] - What's wrong? - Some kind of interference.
It's the radio control.
We're getting their frequency.
Well, if we're getting theirs, that plane could get ours.
Watch it.
Hold that frequency.
It works.
There's something wrong.
We're out of control.
Nicely timed, Mrs Peel.
Changeable weather we're having.
- I beg your pardon? - Changeable, the weather.
I'm afraid you're making a mistake.
My name isn't Peel.
So sorry.