The Avengers (1961) s04e23 Episode Script

The House That Jack Built

1 [Siren wails] [Barking] [Whimpering] [Barking in the distance] [Barking] [Barking] [Glass shattering] [Growling] [Gunshot] Steed? Steed! Ah, good morning, Mrs Peel.
My patent do-it-yourself dark room.
Just developing some holiday snaps.
I won't be long.
I've just got to finish this roll and I'll take you to lunch.
Don't bother.
I can't keep our lunch date.
- Eh? - I have another appointment.
Where? At the Bastille? No.
An old uncle died some while back.
Left me his house.
I have to look at it.
- Oh, how upsetting! - Not really.
I never knew him.
No, that you've have to dash.
I've got my hands full and I could do with a coffee.
Thank you! Where is this place anyway? - Er, Seven Pines, Pendlesham.
- Oh, yes, Hampshire.
- Do you know it? - I've cycled around there once or twice.
Well, how do I get there? Oh, it's easy.
It's a B route, if I remember right.
31.
Yes, it's a nice, quiet, leafy run.
That was very generous of the old boy.
Yes, especially as I never actually met him.
I never knew I had an uncle until my lawyers wrote and told me about him.
- Uncle Jack.
- Black Jack of the family? Knavish uncle, twice removed.
Sorry about the date, Steed.
I'll call you when I get back.
Eh, Mrs Peel! The keys of your castle.
Oh, thanks.
Bye! By the way, I should have a look in the cellar.
Might see if the old boy's laid down any wine.
[Door shuts] [Grunts] [Engine revs] [Rings] Hello? - [Steed] 'Mr Pennington?' - Yes.
Oh, my name is Steed.
John Steed.
I did meet you some time ago.
I'm a friend of a client of yours.
Mrs Peel.
Yes, I remember you quite well, Mr Steed.
What can I do for you? It's about this legacy of Mrs Peel's.
A house willed to her by her Uncle Jack.
Just a moment, Mr Steed.
I don't quite follow you.
A legacy you say? I know nothing of any legacy.
And what's this about Uncle Jack? He died and left a house to Mrs Peel.
Jack you say? It's quite impossible.
But you wrote her a letter! It quite definitely stated Mr Steed, I have been a lawyer for Mrs Peel's family for years.
I can state quite categorically she has no Uncle Jack.
'And furthermore I never wrote her any letter.
' [Tuts] Oh, Pongo? Steed here.
Now look, I have a job for you.
It's Mrs Peel.
She's on her way to Pendlesham.
Yes, that's right, Hampshire.
Pongo, please, listen.
She's got a key with her.
It's a perfectly ordinary key, but there's something strange about it.
It seems to have well electronic properties.
[Radio crackles] [Tyres screeching] What on earth do you think you're doing? I might have killed you! The speed you were going The stopping distance of this car is 147 ft, allowing for average reflexes.
I positioned myself 150 ft away.
- Very mathematical of you.
- I'm a very mathematical person.
And very stupid.
Supposing I hadn't seen you? In that case, my death would be entirely your fault.
I would like a lift, please.
You give me the fright of my life and then have the audacity to ask a favour! - Where to? - As far as you are going.
I should say that I'm desperate to obtain a lift.
Desperate to recompense you for your trouble.
That won't be necessary.
Get in.
[Engine revs] What were you doing alone out there anyway? Acquiring your Woodcraft Badge? Studying birds.
I'm intensely fond of birds.
Very pleasant countryside.
Very pleasant, indeed.
So quiet.
Empty.
Was it really the fright of your life? When I jumped out on you? You said it gave you the fright of our life.
Did it? Just a figure of speech.
Where do you want me to drop you off? As far as you're going, Mrs Peel.
Mrs Emma Peel.
I read your name on this.
I have you at a disadvantage.
Withers.
Frederick Withers.
Yes, indeed, Mrs Peel.
As far as you're going will suit me very well.
[Camera clicks] [Clicks] [Clicks] Well, Mr Withers, this is as far as I go.
Yes, of course it is.
[ Jazz music playing on radio] [Door unlocks] [Clanks] [Growling] [ Lullaby music playing on music box] [Music stops] [Phone rings] Hello? Hello? Who is it? Hello? Who's there? Hello? Hello? [Screaming] [Door shuts] [Motor whirring] [Phone rings] Pongo? [Man] 'No, Steed.
Pongo hasn't reported back yet.
'If you like, I can contact Colonel Robertson and' No.
I'm going out there to check for myself.
[Motor whirring] [Sighs] [Growling] [Muffled conversation and laughter] Who is it? [Muffled laughter] Who's there? [Rattling] [Glass smashing] [Growling] [Muffled laughter] [Growling] [Raucous laughter] [Growling] [ Lullaby music playing on music box] [ Lullaby music] [Peel] 'I'm being watched.
'Every move I make, 'someone is watching.
' [Creaking] 'No.
Reason it out.
'Work it out.
'Rooms that move.
'Whole areas that disappear.
'Rollers under the floor.
'Some kind of motor as a driving force.
'But what triggers it? 'A door.
'One opens the door.
'And an electronic plunger comes out.
'It's activated.
Then as the door swings shut' [Motor whirring] 'Now which of us is moving? Is it me or the hall? 'It's me.
'So if I take my finger off' [Motor whirring stops] 'So this is where it all happens.
'Let's find out who is making it happen.
' [Motor whirring] [Clicks] [Tyres blowing] [Tyres screeching] [Sighs] [ Nursery music] [Doll squeals] [Male voice] 'Welcome, Mrs Peel.
'I hope you find this little exhibition amusing.
'I contrived it for you, especially for you.
'I've waited so long for you to see it.
So very long.
' You expected me? 'You're highly intelligent, Mrs Peel.
I 'I knew you would find your way here, sooner or later.
' Show yourself! Where are you? 'I'm close by.
Who are you? What do you want? 'I imagine you're intrigued.
You're wondering why.
'But you'll find the answer in section four of my little exhibition.
'Section four.
' [Machine clicking] [Announcer] 'Good evening.
'I'm speaking from the steps of the John Knight building 'when now a storm of controversy 'rages around the young, sensational Miss Emma Knight 'who this morning sacked an automation expert 'from the Board of Knight Industries and sparked off a 'Oh, here she comes now.
Miss Knight! 'Er, Miss Knight.
One question, Miss Knight.
'Your motive for this shock dismissal? - [Knight] 'Don't agree with his methods.
' - 'What were his methods?' [Knight] 'Automation to the ultimate degree.
'Replace man with machine.
Subjugate him to it.
'Equate man with machine.
I couldn't agree to that.
'I don't even think it's entirely possible.
'That's why I dismissed Professor Keller.
[Echoes] 'Professor Keller.
Professor Keller.
Professor Keller' [Keller] 'Please examine section five.
The final section of my exhibition.
' Keller! [Keller] 'I have waited so patiently 'and here you are at last and here am I.
'Equate man to machine.
You did not even think it possible.
'You laughed at my theories.
You held me up to ridicule.
'You are wrong, Mrs Peel.
You are wrong.
'The machine is not only man's equal, but his superior.
I will prove it to you.
'That is why I lured you here.
Simple.
'A forged letter from your lawyers.
I knew you would come.
'There will be no violence.
'This house, I built it for you and it will cherish you.
'It'll warm you when you are cold.
Feed you when you are hungry.
'You will be quite safe here, Mrs Peel.
Safe from all physical harm.
'I expect the whole experiment to take some time.
'A pitting of wits 'and finally proof that the machine is superior to man or woman.
' [Motor whirring] All right, Professor Keller.
Step out slowly.
Hands high.
Professor? Get up! "This is the horse that kicked the cow "That chased the dog that bit the cat "That killed the rat "That lived in the house that Jack built.
" "This is the bull that tossed the horse "That kicked the cow that chased "the dog "That bit the cat that killed the rat "That lived in the house that Jack built.
" Jack built, Jack built, Jack built - Who are you? - Chased the dog.
Dog.
What is your name? Who are you? Bad man.
Bad, bad, bad man.
Ran away.
- How did you get here? - Ran away.
Long time ago.
Very long time ago.
I want to go back.
Away from here.
Come on.
Up you get.
"This is the dog that tossed the horse "That killed the cat that chased the cow "That bit the rat "That lived in the house that Jack built.
" Hands high! [Chuckles] Give that to me, please.
You want to get away from here, don't you? I'm going to help you get out.
All right.
I shall just have to leave you behind.
[Keller] 'So you've found your way to me.
' [Gunshots] 'I am dead.
I've been dead quite some time.
'Only the house is alive.
Only the house.
' [ Piano music playing on radio] [Music stops] [Keller] 'My doctors told me I was going to die.
'They gave me a year 'and I used that year to great advantage, Mrs Peel.
'This house is a machine, 'an indestructible machine.
'powered by solar energy.
'Frictionless bearings.
'This machine will last for 1,000 years.
Perhaps forever.
'An indestructible monument to my ingenuity 'and yet the means of your destruction.
'You see, Mrs Peel, the mind of a machine cannot reason 'therefore it cannot lose its reason.
'That is the machine's superiority.
'Its mind has no breaking point.
'But your mind' [Chuckles] 'the machine will continue to function perfectly, 'but you, Mrs Peel, 'you will be quite, quite mad.
' [Motor whirring] 'I would warn you that all the workings of the machine are quite impregnable.
'Nevertheless, the test will be fair.
'The machine is tuned to the acoustics of your voice 'and will answer any questions you may have through an automated larynx.
'I must apologise for any delay in the answers.
'The technique is quite complex.
'This is the end of my pre-recorded message, Mrs Peel.
'In a few days I shall be dead, 'but my machine will live on.
'And sooner or later you will stand in this house and hear me.
'Goodbye, dear lady.
Goodbye.
' [Motor whirring] [Controls beeping] All right.
The object of the exercise is to drive me insane.
How will you know when you've achieved it? [Controls clicking] [Machine] 'Because.
You.
Will.
Kill.
Yourself.
' How? 'You.
Have.
Key.
'Key.
Unlocks.
Door.
At.
End.
Of.
Machine.
' And then? 'Suicide.
Box.
'Once.
Inside.
Gas.
Released.
'You.
Will.
Feel.
No.
Pain.
'No.
Pain.
' You've made a mistake.
You've told me what to expect.
Now whatever happens I'll know it's a trick.
I can reason it out.
[Controls clicking and beeping] [Growling] [Crackles] [Chuckles] [Beeping] [High-pitched beeping] [Beeping stops] [Peel] 'You've made a mistake.
'You've told me what to expect.
'Now whatever happens I'll know it's a trick.
'I can reason it out.
' [Laughs raucously] [Car horn honks] [Honks] [Beeping] [Peel] 'The answer is here.
Somewhere in here.
'There's no way in.
How do I get in? 'The brain must be down there.
'Somewhere down there.
'Now if only I could 'Not a hope.
'Anyway the thing's empty.
'What I need is to make some kind of bomb.
'Now what is there? 'Is there anything in the room? 'There is! Yes, the key! 'Will it fit? 'Yes, it does.
'Now what do I need? 'I need some wadding and I need gunpowder.
'Gunshot.
Shotgun!' Shells? Do you have any left? Shotgun shells! [Bleeping] [Clicking] [Bell pings] [Door whirrs] [Clicking and beeping] [Thunder clapping] [Explosion] [Beeping and glass shattering] [Beeping stops] [Chuckles] What happened to the shining armour? It's still at the laundry.
Never mind.
I'll give you a ride home on the old horse.
So Withers was your man? Yes.
Poor old Pongo.
- I sent him to keep an eye on you.
- Why on earth didn't he tell me that? It was my fault, really.
I told him to soft-pedal a bit.
Soft-pedal? Well I didn't want to frighten you.
[Bicycle bell rings]