The Avengers (1961) s05e15 Episode Script

The Joker

Mrs Peel, you're needed.
- How are you feeling now? - Much better, thank you.
You'll have to stay off that leg for a while.
Lucky for you, you didn't break it.
As it is, your tango may be irreparably damaged.
Lucky you happened to drop by.
What did bring you here by the way? I was going to ask you to drive me to Exmoor.
What or who is at Exmoor? Sir Cavalier Rusicana.
Sounds like an opera.
He's one of the greatest bridge players in Europe.
- He read my article recently.
- So did I! All bids, no trumps and mathematics.
It was very confusing.
- Anyway, he wants to meet me.
- Oh.
Invited me to his home for the weekend.
- Oh.
- Sir Cavalier is 75.
Oh, well, never mind.
You know what a rejuvenating effect you have.
You've made me feel better al Ooh! Well, almost.
It's quite a privilege to meet Sir Cavalier.
- He hardly ever sees anyone.
- Well, don't let me delay you.
- Sure you'll be all right? - Quite sure.
I wish I could come with you, but you can see how it is.
Be good.
- George! - Hello, Steed.
Come in, come in.
Very good to see you.
Ooh! Oh? You run into counter-espionage? Tangle with the minions of a mastermind? - Far more sinister.
Fell down the stairs.
- Oh.
Oh! Care for a drink? Thanks, but I just popped by to warn you.
- Do you remember Max Prendergast? - Remember him? How could I forget him? He's out.
He broke out of jail two weeks ago.
Two weeks, eh? The German authorities didn't think to tell us until he was heading our way.
We're pretty sure he's here, Steed.
Perhaps in London.
Max Prendergast? You know what kind of man he is.
That mad warped sense of humour.
- Yes, I know.
- Will you tell Mrs Peel? She was more involved with Prendergast than anyone.
She ought to be warned.
- Hm.
I'll tell her on Monday.
- Monday? I'll tell her on Monday.
I don't want to spoil her weekend.
Good afternoon.
I'm Emma Peel.
Hello.
- Sir Cavalier is expecting me.
- He told me.
I'm Ola.
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain.
Isn't that a shriek? Monsey was a pirate.
I was on the bed when you rang.
I'm a bit late I'm afraid.
I got lost a couple of times.
I'm not surprised.
This place is the end of the world, isn't it? I'm not surprised you got lost.
- I like your coat.
- Why, thank you.
I was reading an Italian book.
I don't understand Italian at all.
The words are so nice and r-r-r-r-rolly.
Dove l'ingresso.
You could almost say that around a lollipop, couldn't you? You're not a dentist by any chance, are you? No.
- I've got two fillings in my front teeth.
- Mm-hm.
See? I used to wear a brace.
And it hurt.
Nice hurt.
Miss Chamberlain, don't you think you ought to tell Sir Cavalier? - Tell him what? - That I'm here.
Oh.
Didn't I mention it? - He isn't here? - Isn't here? No.
He was called away to a a meeting.
In London.
The IBPC.
The International Something.
Bridge Players' Convention.
Yes, that's right.
A fusty old conference.
"Fusty" is a dreamy word, isn't it? All sort of atticy and mildewy.
I've got awfully straight teeth, haven't I? Awfully.
When will he be back? - Back? Who? - Sir Cavalier.
Oh later tonight sometime.
Oh, and he apologised.
He said he was very sorry and I was to look after you until he got back.
Yes! That's what Uncle Cavalier said.
- Would you like to see your room now? - Thank you.
Uncle Cavalier? So you're related? Not really.
I'm his ward.
Mummy and he were awfully good friends.
Mummy's dead now and he looks after me.
Well, I look after him, really.
He's such an old dear.
He's old, I mean, but not a bit stodgy.
He really understands me.
Good for Uncle.
It's a magnificent house.
About 1620, isn't it? I don't know.
I don't really know about these things at all.
Except this house is rather dreamy.
Especially at night.
- Are you afraid of the dark? - No, not really.
I love the dark.
Owl time.
Full of all sorts of creeps and crawls and chill spines.
Full of all sorts of tingles.
All sorts of things.
- There! - It's charming.
It is nice, isn't it? Especially the bed.
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain.
- Monsey "hyphen" Chamberlain.
- So you said.
- You know what the hyphen is, don't you? - Mm-hm.
A bar sinister.
At least that's what it used to mean in the old days.
- Did I tell you about Monsey? - A pirate.
We've had them all in our family, you know.
Pirates, judges, soldiers, nuns.
- And you? - I'm an actress.
- Oh? What have you done recently? - I've only just become an actress.
I'd rather be a nun, really.
Making Benedictine and stuff.
Monks.
They're monks.
Still, I expect you could be smuggled in.
Never had a smuggler in the family.
Monsey was a pirate, though.
That's almost the same thing, isn't it? We never had a smuggler.
Or a surgeon.
Or a dentist.
Have I shown you my teeth? - Frequently.
- We never had a politician either.
Ah, now that could be a blessing in disguise.
Or a murderer.
Ola, where are the rest of the staff? - Staff? - Mm.
Surely you don't run this place on your own? We're sort of in between housemaids.
It's the end of the world here, so nobody stays for long.
And you don't mind being on your own? But I'm not, am I? There's you now, isn't there? There's you.
Wentworth here.
George, my fall down the stairs was no accident.
It was someone playing a joke on me.
You don't mean it was done deliberately? That's exactly what I do mean.
I see.
What about Mrs Peel? Well, that's why I called you.
I want you to find the address and all the information you can muster on Sir Cavalier Rusicana.
Dinner is served! Dinner is always served at eight o'clock in this house.
It's the one thing that Uncle Cavalier is really strict about.
- Hadn't we better wait for him? - He's going to be late.
He insisted you should start without him.
Anyway, it's ready.
How do you know your uncle is going to be late.
Hm? Your uncle.
How do you know he's going to be late? Oh.
He phoned me.
If you'll sit there.
They're very friendly.
I played to them.
Great scenes of desperate tragedy.
I want to make them weep.
It's fish and the wine's red.
It's all I could find.
The wine cellar's locked up.
Doesn't your uncle trust you? Oh, no.
He always locks it up when he goes away for any length of I adore red wine, don't you? Dark.
Blood red.
But it is fish.
- I'm not particular.
- That's all right then.
Bell is for ringing and bringing me to you.
- Aren't you joining me? - I'm slimming.
It's important for an actress to keep her figure.
That's for Uncle Cavalier when he gets back.
Work to do.
- That was the phone.
- Yes, I heard.
A friend of mine in the village, he's been taken ill.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- He wants me to go over.
Then you must.
- But Uncle Cavalier isn't back yet.
- You mustn't be worried about that.
But I don't want to leave you here all alone.
- I shall be perfectly all right.
- It's five miles.
The village.
It's five miles away.
Even if I cut across the fields.
I mean, it's a long way.
- Do you drive? - Yes.
Then take my car.
Here are the keys.
I was going to put it in the garage after dinner.
Are you sure? You'll be stuck here.
You won't be able to leave.
Why should I want to? You go along to your friend and I'll tell your uncle when he arrives.
You won't like it here all alone.
I'm not nervous.
I'll probably read a book.
- I read Italian books.
- Yes, you told me.
Hadn't you better hurry? There was something else.
Lock the door.
That's it.
Lock the door after me.
Mein Liebling, Mein Rose.
Yes? Yes, what is it? Don't you recognise me? - No.
Should I? - No.
I am travelling incognito.
It's foggy and damp.
You'll catch cold.
Do you mind telling me who you are and what exactly you want? I could be the Baron von Duffy looking for a new stately home.
I might buy this place.
Cash.
Entire grounds.
Fabric.
Contents.
It's not for sale.
You doubt me, but it could be true, couldn't it? You don't know for a fact that I'm not the Baron von Duffy.
Do you know how late it is? It's the Jalopy.
My car over there.
It's run out of petrol.
Well, why couldn't you say so in the first place? I don't see a car.
Well, you wouldn't, would you? Not in this fog! But it's there.
- What are you doing? - The fog! It's your phone I'm after.
Big property deal.
I want to buy land.
I want to expand, develop.
I want to build skyscrapers.
I also want a gallon of petrol for my car or else I'll have to walk home.
My feet would be sore.
- But you do have a phone? - Yes.
There's a phone.
Are you all alone in this great big house? Here is the phone.
- Thanks.
- DON'T mention it.
Plastic surgery.
That's why you didn't recognise me.
Plastic surgery.
I've had my face fixed.
Amazing what they can do, isn't it? Will you please get on with your call? I'm not really the Baron von Duffy.
He's a much smaller man.
Also, he's dead.
All right, all right.
Make the call.
- This is a strange situation, isn't it? - What do you mean? A tender, young woman alone in this great big house.
A mysterious stranger comes to the door.
"May I use your phone?" She admits him.
He picks up the phone.
Da, da, da, da The wires have been cut.
The wires HAVE been cut.
I mean it.
Look.
Da, da, da, da.
- Do you have the number? - I've already tried.
The line's dead.
And another thing, Sir Cavalier Rusicana left the country four days ago.
A holiday abroad.
Officially that house is empty.
Little Deighton, that's the other side of Exmoor.
- Yes.
- It'll take us some time to get there.
If we get there.
Fog.
It's thicker than pea soup.
We may not get through.
We've got to get through! Come on.
Oh? There's a razor blade on the back of the card.
See? It's a darn fool thing for anyone to do.
George? George! It was meant for you.
Meant for you.
- Any luck? - Nothing.
Not even a pair of pliers.
Wire and pliers is what you need to mend that phone.
The extension upstairs is dead too.
Dead? You you did it to keep me here.
Now why would I want to do that? I've got vitality, charm.
You've got a vivid imagination.
Why is your car parked in the driveway? This house is a good half a mile from the road.
You must have been on your way here.
- That's right.
- Why? Who were you coming to see? No one.
I knew I was running out of gas.
I saw your light and I thought I might be able to use the phone.
You can't see the house from the road.
- Though the trees.
- In thick fog? All right! So I knew the house was here! I've told you.
Property is my business.
- The Baron von Duffy - Is dead.
Yes, he's dead.
And here I am alone in this great big house with you.
I'm not alone.
Oh, come now.
Surely you're not trying to tell me someone else is hiding.
No, nobody's hiding.
I'm expecting company.
The owner of this house, Sir Cavalier.
He'll be back soon.
In this fog? He'll never make it.
No one will.
And then there's Ola.
Ola.
Oh, yes.
Ola.
She's dead too.
I killed her.
Like the Baron von Duffy.
Cut her into teeny-tiny pieces and scattered her around.
Take a look into the garden.
That's Ola all over.
I told you I was travelling incognito.
It's a fact.
What do you think of that? I think it's late, I'm tired and I want to go to bed.
In that case how would you like me to tuck you up? In that case how would you like me to break your arm?! Out! - Now look - I've had enough of you! - You're not throwing me out! - I'm really throwing you out.
- On a night like this? - Frightened? No, I think I prefer to be out there.
This place disturbs me.
You can tell the owner I have decided not to buy! This place is not grand enough for my All right! I take back what I said.
I don't think you are alone in the house.
Take a look in the dining room! Just a minute.
There's only half.
The scream.
You haven't given us the scream.
There.
Is that good enough? We'll make it easy for you.
Who is it? Where are you? Emma Emma.
Dear Emma.
Emma.
All right.
Stand up and turn around.
Stand up! Mrs Peel? Mrs Peel? Emma Emma Peel.
Dear Emma.
Emma.
- Who are you? - Just a friend, Emma.
An old friend.
I don't want to frighten you, dear Emma.
Just step out, so I can see you! A quiet little chat, that's all I want.
About old times.
- I don't know you.
- Oh, yes.
You know me.
Then show yourself! Where are you? I'm everywhere, Emma.
Everywhere you might run to.
I am inescapable.
I might be here, you see.
Or I might be RIGHT BEHIND YOU! Do you see me? Am I close enough to stretch out my hand and touch you? The key has gone, Emma.
You won't get out that way.
Oh, but I'm frightening you again.
I don't want to frighten you.
The point of no return, Emma.
Now you have to commit yourself.
It's a puzzle, isn't it? Which way will it be? Where, oh, where? Back up the stairs into my arms? Or here? Here, Emma.
Where I am waiting for you.
It's such a pleasure to see you again.
Your face was always perfectly symmetrical.
Not an eye out of place.
Hm I've thought of you often, you know.
And I like to think that just once in a while you have thought of me.
Who are you? Remember that, Emma? You were right.
It is a rather brutal language.
"My love, my rose.
"My tender, beautiful rose.
" Yes, I've thought of you often, my dear.
Berlin.
Not long ago, hm? I think for reason or another Berlin has become the most exciting city in Europe.
Certainly the most dangerous.
Prendergast.
There, you see.
You knew all along, didn't you? Max Prendergast.
You were always teasing me so charmingly.
Those days were too few.
But I shall always be grateful for them and to you.
I loved you, you know.
And that last day.
I was leaving for Rio, but I had to see you before I left.
- I'd forgotten.
- Had you? I hadn't.
You wouldn't let me leave.
I kept telling you I had a plane to catch, but you wouldn't let me go.
You flattered me outrageously.
How could I refuse? What is it you want? Just a chat.
A quiet chat.
There were roses in the room that day.
Roses.
And we kept playing that tune over and over.
Meine Liebe, Meine Rose.
Over and over.
That wasn't quite fair of you, Emma.
You knew I had a plane to catch.
But you planned it that way, didn't you? You and that man, Steed.
Delaying me.
Keeping me there.
Yes.
And then the police.
And the handcuffs.
You betrayed me, Emma.
You made a business of betrayal.
My dear a few insignificant refugees.
No human life is insignificant.
You can't justify the suffering you inflicted.
That man upstairs.
Man? Oh, yes, yes.
I had to kill him.
You shouldn't have made me miss that plane, Emma.
I loved you, you know.
That was your weakness.
The melody has lost its sweetness.
It destroyed me, you know.
Being shut up in that place.
It killed me.
I died.
They give you magazines to read, you know.
And sometimes I'd find a photograph of you.
And when I saw your face, I'd cut it out.
With plastic scissors.
Because they only let you have plastic scissors.
And plastic scissors aren't nearly sharp enough! Keep away! Keep away.
I warn you.
Stay back! You see, Emma? I'm not alone any more.
He's going to kill you.
He said I could watch.
One more step and I shoot.
I'm dead, Emma.
You can't kill me twice.
He said I could watch! Yours are blanks.
Mine aren't.
My love, my rose Steed.
Oh, dear.
Do you think I frightened him? Can I take you home? Or would you like to stay until Monday? It's been quite a night.
Well, it's morning now.
The fog's lifted.
Let's get a breath of fresh air.
- Red eight on black nine.
- I've seen that.
Then why didn't you do it? I was saving it till later.
I was savouring it.
This too? Solitaire, as the word implies, is a game for one person.
I know.
Highly antisocial.
Let me show you a trick.
Now then, take a card.
Memorise it.
Don't show it to me.
Now then, put it back.
Quick shuffle.
Think of a number.
Er six.
Six.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
There's your card! - No, it isn't.
- Cheat! Right.
Now I'll show you one.
- You take two cards.
- Mm-hm.
Add up the numbers.
The sum of the two equals the vintage year of this champagne.
Now that's one trick I won't spoil.