The Awesomes (2013) s03e08 Episode Script

The GayFather

Previously on The Awesomes: I guess The Awesomes is my family now.
It's the only family I've ever had.
I don't even know who my parents are.
I have a nice surprise for you.
- Oh yeah? - Prock, I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby.
- Oh, hey, Dr.
Malocchio.
- Do we know each other? Of course, I'm Perfect Man.
And you're Dr.
Malocchio.
You're a scientist, you turned evil, took over the world, then you died.
Although I guess you didn't die.
- That's weird.
- I need you to go back to Earth and warn everyone about me.
Mr.
Awesome! In Milky Way news, the presidential race on Earth is heating up after several high profile gaffs by leading candidate Mr.
Awesome.
Mr.
Awesome is running for president? Once well-ahead in the polls, the gap is closing after what many are calling an unbelievably poor performance at last night's town hall debate.
I know you're a great superhero, but what can you say to assure us you understand the problems of regular Americans? What can I say; Nothing.
I'd never be able to understand the petty problems of people without powers.
I save the world, you do God knows what.
I can't even believe you called them problems if I'm being totally honest, right? I feel like I'm phrasing that all wrong.
Hey, Dad, you wanted to see me? Prock, it's all falling apart over here.
I don't know how to deal with these parasites.
Well, for one thing, I wouldn't call the voters parasites.
Hm, I see your point.
Danny, kill the new campaign poster! - But you loved it this morning.
- Kill it! My staff is full of idiots and yes men, and that's why I'd like you to be my new campaign manager.
That would be amazing.
I would love to.
I'm already coming up with ideas.
A 2% middle class tax cut combined with infrastructure spending and then That's great, that's all great, Prock, but we gotta play a little defense first.
There's a little something that could come out about me.
It's nothing really, but you know how the press spins everything out of proportion.
Sure, Dad, anything you need.
Years ago I briefly worked alongside a superhero named Fuego.
He botched a mission and he still blames me for it.
There's the leader; Get him, Fuego! Nooo! No dogs were injured, but Fuego was sued by the school and could no longer get superhero insurance.
He's had a vendetta against me ever since.
And now he's blackmailing me with this information.
I need you to go see him and get it back.
I'm on the case.
Oh, and I have some news for you.
You are about to be a grandfather.
- Yes, I know.
- You know; How do you know? I mean, that's amazing! I know you'll make a good one.
- Thanks.
- Oh, and take Perfect Man with you on this one.
It won't hurt to have some extra muscle.
- Sure, okay.
- Thanks, Prock, you're the only one I can trust right now.
- Son, I love you.
- Ah, my arm.
Oops, sorry, I'm not used to this whole hugging thing.
- Pharaoh.
- Speaking.
Perfect Man will be out of our hair for a few days.
- Commence secret training protocols.
- Yes, sir.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Yeah, well, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome Hey, guys, I have some exciting news.
- Not now, Prock.
- What happened? - Frantic's boyfriend broke up with him.
- It hurts so much! If it will make you feel better, you can watch me shower.
That offer would probably mean more to him if you didn't make it to all of us all the time.
And yet Gadget Gal is the only one who ever takes me up on it.
- And it still isn't getting old.
- Thank you, friend.
Hey, Perfect Man, now that I'm campaign manager for my dad, that was my news that nobody wanted to hear, he wants us to go on a little road trip.
- Sounds fun.
- Road trip? - I call shotgun! - Actually, Muscleman, and I'm very sorry about this, this is a work trip so it wouldn't be appropriate to bring you.
But actually you're my best friend and we always go on road trips together and if you don't bring me I will cry twice as hard as Frantic is crying right now.
I guess a little more muscle wouldn't hurt.
- I'll pack a bag.
- You okay with me doing this? Of course, go have fun with the guys.
I'll help with Frantic.
Even the fastest man on Earth can't run away from heartache.
Oh, the irony.
Good luck with that.
Okay, I have magnetic Scrabble, magnetic chess, - magnetic Monopoly, plenty of beef jerky.
- Ugh, you still eat that stuff? - And, of course, camping equipment.
- Camping equipment? You said we were going on a camping trip.
We're going on a campaign trip, not a camping trip.
O-kay.
Do they have s'mores on campaign trips? Not typically.
You guys, I really appreciate your concern, but I'm not sure taking me out to a gay club is a good idea.
You need to get back in the saddle, cowboy.
The best way to get over one man is to get under another one or in front of him, however it works with you fellows.
Look, worst case scenario, you'll have a drink, dance a little, - and be with your friends.
- All right, let's go for it.
Dear God, it looks like Walt Disney threw up - all over the Copacabana.
- Why are they playing Beyond the Valley of the Dolls on all the TV screens? Uh, not all the TV screens.
Whoa.
Holy moly, that bratwurst is welcome at my Oktoberfest any time.
You are hilarious.
Keep walking, fruit basket, mama don't pitch to switch hitters.
- Oh, my God, I love her.
- Who talks like that? Oh, come on, we are buying you so many drinks.
In that case, I'll have a bourbon and rum with extra rrrum.
GayFather, I don't want to alarm you.
Then why did you wear stripes with checks? There are superheroes in the club.
Look over there, that's Impresario.
He was one of The Awesomes.
The Awesomes? Ugh, I can't stand them.
Love their reality show though.
Hey, Concierge, look back there.
Is that the gay mafia? What's the gay mafia? The world's first openly gay super villain team.
Good for them, except the villain part.
They're into all kinds of shady rackets.
Counterfeiting antiques, blackmailing closeted celebrities, interior design.
Yeah, these are some bad people.
We should leave.
Where's Frantic? Oh, I'm so sorry, I That's not good.
I love your turban.
You wanna dance? Oh, I, uh, thank you, but I-I'm not gay.
Suit yourself, but I know a $70 manicure when I see one.
for writing a Yelp review.
Oh, come on, we've been sitting here for hours.
I'm never going to get to Earth in time to stop Mr.
Awesome.
Oh, are you kidding? We just stopped two minutes ago.
Hey, lady, count your change before the bus gets here.
Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you, but this is an emergency.
Can I borrow your car? I'll bring it right back.
- Get bent.
- Get bent, okay.
Allow me to rephrase.
I have to save the Earth and there isn't a minute to spare.
Oh, I see.
Get bent.
Okay, I'm good now so stealing cars is not really kosher.
But what about the greater good? Millions of lives are at stake.
Oh, come on, Malocchio.
You have to do this.
I'm so sorry about this, this really isn't me.
Hey! Oh, man.
Why are we driving again? You realize I can fly.
Yes, and whenever I fly with you, you carry me like a baby.
I always try to cradle the head.
And, truthfully, with all that's happening with Hotwire and me becoming a dad, I could use my guys.
Talk it out with my guys.
A little guy time.
We're here for you, buddy.
Road trip! You know, I've never been on a road trip before, or on a road.
Is this how all cars are? Small and tiny with a weird smell? Really, you've never been in a car? - What about when you were a kid? - When I was a kid? Okay, let's get you buckled in my perfect little baby boy.
Ha, love this car.
Muscleman and I logged a lot of road trips in this back in the day.
Still have our sick tunes from then.
You like Guster? We have all their 200 live albums.
My favorites are Guster: Live in Newton, Guster: Live in Natick, and Guster: Acoustic in Brooklyn.
- That one's a bootleg.
- Who wants to play a car game? - What's a car game? - You know, like, when you're in the car with your parents and they make you play a game so you'll stop complaining and they can silently argue? Hm, I wouldn't know.
I never knew my parents.
Hamburger City, Hamburger City.
- Pull over! - I'm never gonna say no to a Hamburger City Play Pack.
For the food, the toy's just like a bonus part.
Something about this place is very nostalgic.
Yeah, because it's Hamburger City.
This is where you come when you're a kid, get your chicken budlets, mix Coke with Dr.
Pepper.
And go to the bathroom while Burger the Clown watches.
That is not okay.
That's the opposite of what Burger the Clown said.
It's not that, but it is reminding me of something.
- How's your burger, honey? - It's cold in the middle.
Can I do my trick? Yes, but be quick and don't let anyone see you.
- Why are you so sad, Mom? - Your father said he was coming today.
I was gonna meet my dad? You were, but I don't think he's showing up.
It's okay, Mom.
Dry those eyes.
- Mom! - No, Muscleman; And that's Prock.
- Are you okay? - For the first time in my life, the answer to that question is I don't know.
Ah, he's here! How do I look, how's my hair, how's my cologne? You smell like someone spilled whiskey on a leather sofa.
Frantic, how can you be dating a villain? We dedicate our lives to stopping those types of people.
"Those types of people?" Um, you mean gay people? Oh, my Lord, how are you so dumb? - Hello, handsome.
- Oh, me? Do you like Italian food? I know a great place.
It's sort of a Sicilian fusion with Moroccan influence.
Do they have meatballs? Yes, Frantic, they have meatballs.
Okay, we just have to make a quick stop first.
I need to check on a project.
Hey, hey, take it easy.
We just want it to look a little weathered.
I'm asking for Jane Fonda from Agnes of God and you're giving me Jane Fonda from Monster In Law.
We want them to look like antiques, not garbage.
Thank you for rephrasing what I said but less cleverly, it's very helpful, thank you so much.
- GayFather, look.
- And so we just take new furniture and we weather it a little and sell it as antiques.
We learned it from The Goldfinch.
- You've read it, right? - Yes - So is this all legal? - Do you see any handcuffs? That's Christopher's new boyfriend.
I'm gonna get him to help with Project X.
How are you gonna get a superhero to participate in Project X? I'll make him an offer he can't even.
Who am I, where did I come from? Why am I having flashbacks to a mother I don't remember? Okay, if I can just get these magic Hamburger City smells to give me another glimpse of my forgotten past.
Nothing's happening.
Oh no, my dream bag is out of smells.
Prock, how soon after your kid is born can we give him French fries? Oh, I've been reading everything about this.
Solid food starts at four to six months.
Fascinating.
Notice how I didn't ask about breastfeeding this time, as per your request.
Anyway, buddy, you're gonna be such a good dad.
Thanks, man.
Oh, look out, bumpy road ahead.
He'll be safe here? Yes, his father called ahead and set everything up.
- Will he come see him? - Eventually when he is older, but he'll never be able to tell him that he is his father.
- It is far too scandalous.
- Will he remember me? No, we will do a mind wipe, it's for the best.
A single mother cannot raise a special boy like this on her own.
You are making the right decision.
- But why, why?! - Sometimes roads are just bumpy.
It's just how it goes.
I blame a government that won't spend money on infrastructure projects.
Frantic, my friend, so good to see you.
I'm glad you boys are here.
I want to show you something, Frantic.
This week, as you know, is Pride Week in the city, and in exactly three days every single closeted gay person in this entire city is going to come out.
Every confirmed bachelor, every recently divorced girls' volleyball coach, every married guy who just happened to teach flamenco.
Everybody's coming out of the closet, and all thanks to this.
I call it Love Potion #10.
Even though this is the 50th version we've tried.
That's funny.
It's disodium dismorphate bioxenol glycophenate, a little polonium 210 and a splash of grenadine.
And if a gay person drinks it, their skin turns blue and the whole world will know who they really are.
One week from tonight it's going to flood the water supply of this uptight little town, - and you're going to help me, Frantic.
- Me? Why me? Because, Frantic, you know the pain of hiding in the closet.
You understand the constant fear, the denials, the secrets, and the longing, pretending to be someone you're not, living a lie.
You don't want these people to be liars, do you? I guess not.
And if they really, really want to stay in the closet, they can just pay us a small reasonable fee - for the antidote.
- Mm, that doesn't sound right.
One percent of which we will donate to the Red Cross.
- Ooh, charity! - But I need your help.
Because all my phones have been tapped by the FBI, I need you and your fleet feet to get messages to my vast web of allies so we can get this juice into the pipes.
Well, is it dangerous? No, no, no, it's a little radioactive, but what isn't these days? - Plus, we use organic grenadine.
- Organic? Just throwing out another load of dead guinea pigs killed by the serum.
Excuse me, are you illiterate? Because you sure as hell can't read a room.
Hey, guys, I don't know what to do.
I've been helping my GayFather with his plan to put radioactive potion in the water supply that will reveal the identity of every gay man in the city, but I just don't know how I feel about it.
'Cause even though being in the closet is difficult and technically a lie, people should be allowed to come out on their own terms.
I don't know, it's a tough one.
What y'all think? That's what you're worried about, Frantic? Not that they're flooding the water supply with radioactive chemicals that could kill thousands of people? Hmm, so you're saying I shouldn't be helping them? And they call them that because you always want some more s'mores.
- I bet your dad taught you that.
- Yeah, dads are the best.
Second only to moms.
Great to have both, but in a pinch one will do.
I can't imagine not having either.
That's no way to live.
- Muscleman, shh! - What? Well, Perfect Man never met his parents.
They shot him to Earth in an escape pod when their spaceship was destroyed in battle.
An escape pod that was then discovered by the US Army.
Oh, right! The most famous origin story of all time.
- Duh.
- What if it's not true? - If what's not true? - That story about me.
What if I came from somewhere else? - Where else could you have come from? - I don't know.
Ooh, guys, we're here.
Damn it! Are you kidding me? All right, time to beat up some gays! Oh wait, that sounded bad even for me.
All right, let's beat up some men who happen to be gay - but we're doing it to stop their plan! - That sounded better.
Well, well, well.
I haven't seen that much Spandex since the Solid Gold Christmas Special, which I watched unironically.
- Had a change of heart, Frantic? - I've decided it's not fair to make people come out before they're ready.
Or to, you know, poison them to death.
People should be able to decide for themselves whether they want to be out of the closet.
Or be alive or dead.
Like a straight man just finding out about skinny ties, you're too late, Awesomes.
I've stockpiled enough Love Potion #10 to flood the city's entire water supply.
Before you know it, every closet door from here to Suburbia will be flung open and they'll be dancing in the streets.
Good dancing too, not this things with the arms you straight people do.
I mean, what is that? Do you hate music? No, we'll show you how we dance.
I didn't mean we'd actually dance.
Also, I was talking about white straight people.
Oh.
Hello, is anyone home? You have three seconds.
We just want to talk.
Two seconds.
What, no way was that a whole second.
One second.
Okay, now that was longer than a second.
Hey, you should check the battery on your watch! It's about Mr.
Awesome.
Oh, you should have said so.
- We're surrounded! - On the plus side, this is better than using a cigarette lighter.
- Perfect Man, find a lake.
- Yeah, and then go jump in it.
- What? No! - Oh, I thought that's where you were going with it.
No? Ow! Okay, you can come in now.
So, he sent Prock and Perfect Man.
He's got balls, I'll give him that.
He didn't technically send me, I just like road trips.
So, I guess your dad sent you to get this.
He sent us to stop you from blackmailing him.
I never asked him for a penny.
I just don't think it's right for heroes to get into politics.
So, I reminded him about some stuff I know.
- What's your plan now? - I'm going to give you information.
I'm going to let you decide if you're going to look at it or if you're going to be a good son and return it to him.
I trust my dad, he's the world's greatest hero.
If he wants me to see what's in there, he'll show it to me.
- Muscleman, stop it.
- Absolute trust.
That's nice.
I'm not sure how healthy it is, but it's nice.
Shame though, Perfect Man.
You'd enjoy reading it.
Hoo.
So you broke my computer.
Bravo Channel.
I guess I'll have to do this myself.
Don't you be raw doggin' on my watch.
Mama! We don't need a condom, water supply, you can trust me.
You were right, Frantic.
People should be able to come out on their own terms.
- And not die.
- Nice manicure.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad.
- Did you look at this? - No.
That's good, son.
I can't tell you how much - your trust means to me.
- Of course.
Come on, let's get a bite to eat, son.
_ It feels pretty good to stop a bad guy again, even if I did have to use my mama as a prophylactic.
Well, the point is we saved the town from poison and Frantic found a new boyfriend.
- Love it.
- List it.
I think you can probably throw out your dream bag now.
I know, but I still have a few fries in here.
How was the secret mission? Good, I think for once my dad might be proud of me.
- How have you been feeling? - Not bad, I mean, for a pregnant lady.
Pregnant? I'm going to be a grandpa? Awesomes, I've come to warn you.
Mr.
Awesome is evil.
He must be stopped! Oh, some more, s'more.
Now I get it.
No, I don't.
Why is it called s'more? How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't let me touch you Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Yeah, you won't even dance