The Batman (2004) s01e01 Episode Script
The Bat in the Belfry
He's here.
Where, Mr.
Thorne? There! I saw him! What's there? Take him! Ok, we split the take.
30-70.
How do you do that? I'm the Batman.
Surprise.
I'm touched, Alfred, but my birthday isn't until October.
It's an anniversary, Master Bruce.
Three years ago tonight, you first donned the cape and cowl.
Crime flies.
Chop chop, make a wish.
I wish I wish I wish they were here too.
Very much so.
To the memory of Thomas and Martha Wayne.
The reason I became the Batman.
Chief Rojas, can you verify rumors that it was the Batman who apprehended crime boss Rupert Thorne and his gang last night? Do you know of anyone who's actually seen this Batman? Because he's what's called an "urban legend".
Why.
.
that cheeky.
.
! Branflakes, sir? Easy, Alfred.
The Batman is right where he likes, hovering below the radar.
You are not one to bask in glory, Master Bruce.
Well there you have it.
In only 3 years time our crime rate has plummeted to a nationwide low.
Thanks to Gotham's finest.
Back to you, Jim.
Next up, billionaire Bruce Wayne contributes an unprecedented sum to Gotham Children's Hospital.
And in sports, the Gators kick off a new season with tonight's home game.
Which billionaire Bruce Wayne will be there to enjoy.
Your season ticket, sir.
Oh, tonight? Aw but I had- Work to do in the Bat-cave? For the Batman to better remain below the radar, Bruce Wayne must occassionally venture above it.
Get anything on our vigilante this time, Bennett? Besides the fact that he bat-wrapped Thorne's butt for us? Well it's up to you and your partner to see to it that this urban legend doesn't become a folk hero.
Partner? Since when? Since I decided that two heads were better than one.
Detective Ethan Bennett, meet Detective Ellen Yin.
Formerly of Metropolis P.
D.
Their loss.
Howdy, partner.
Welcome to Gotham.
Now that you two are acquainted, bring me this Batman, whoever he is.
Ahem.
I know, Alfred.
Time for swinging bachelor Bruce Wayne to put on the party hat.
Rest assured, Master Bruce, you are never far from the Bat-cave with the modern miracle of Bat-Wave.
Steiner, check.
McSwain, check.
Hey No one logged any new arrivals.
What are you doing in here? What the I was feeling a bit screwloose, so I checked myself in.
Who are you? My card.
No, no! Let me tell you something: Old Bats never leaves a trace.
No prints, no follicles, no match on tire tracks.
Custom jobs.
Dude has resources.
And a knack for showing up where crime is and police aren't.
I've never laid eyes on him.
Just in.
An unknown perp released all patients from the east wing of Arkham Asylum.
What? That's crazy! Crazy enough to lure a bat? You know, I once toyed with the idea of buying the Gators.
Buying them lunch.
Oh Mr.
Wayne.
Uh, pardon me, ladies.
Arkham? And among Gotham notables, we welcome the young CEO of Wayne lndustries Bruce Wayne.
Uh, grabbing a gator dog, no doubt.
No doubt.
Gotta work on those stops.
What? That was theatrical.
Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say? What did you do to him? Just some laughing gas.
Don't tell me you're not an inmate.
What rational being dresses like you? And speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me? Who are you? Joker.
Not what.
Who? Smear free.
It's perma-clown! Ooh, tough crowd.
Look.
Nothing up my sleeves.
Nothing that won't put a smile on your face.
Say "cheese"! I'm out of gas.
And I'm out of patience.
You really know how to spoil a coming out party.
How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout? Listen Joker, you're sick.
You need help.
Well, maybe I'm a little off.
But what are you gonna do? Lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here.
Situation report? We're rounding up patients and waiting for choppers to take us over.
Like we'll get any drier? New partner.
Triathlon whiz.
You know, I really love this place.
My old hideouts are shambles.
And this place just screams me! Ok.
Take back the asylum.
But mark my words, this town has happy days ahead! Smile, Gotham! Well, better split up.
You have the right to remain silent.
Bennett, spot the perp? The Bat.
Sir, a stranger in the Bat-cave? Tonight we'll make an exception.
Oh my.
Chap could use a dentist.
Or a medic.
Right then.
Chief Rojas, any suspects into this bizarre jack-in-the-box hostage incident? I'm not at liberty to reveal whom.
But I feel confident our best detectives are closing in on him as we speak.
And Gotham Gator fan Bruce Wayne with nary an alibi.
How's our patient? Despite the ghastly grimmace, fit as a fiddle.
Poor fellow simply a prisoner in his own body.
A sample of Joker's gas is our only hope of deriving an antidote.
And I need to find it, before this mad man puts a permanent smile on all of Gotham.
Smile, Gotham! My old hideouts are shambles.
If I find the old hideout, I find this Joker.
Master Bruce, someone to see you.
Who is it, Alfred? The police.
Detective, am I under arrest? Yo Bruce! Hey Ethan.
Where've you been, my friend? Master Bruce was at the Gator game last night.
Speaking of, thought we were all set to shoot some hoops last week.
I've been buried, Ethan, 24/7.
So, why the sudden visit? Just needed to talk to someone.
Other than the guys at the station, I mean.
This is gonna sound weird, Bruce, But last night, I saw the Batman.
Only a Ming.
So, he's for real? What's he look like? Dude like you and me.
Except he wears Bat-jamas.
Tough part's this, Bruce: I really believe the Bat's helping Gotham, even if he is on the wrong side of the law.
But he's getting a bad rep, and the heat's on me to take him down.
Looks like a clown hideout.
Stop me if you've heard this one before, Batman.
There were these two fellows in an abandoned party flavour factory.
One says to the other Where are you keeping the gas, Joker? You call that a punchline? I don't share your sense of humor.
Yet we're linked, you and I.
Like comedy and tragedy.
Two sides, same coin.
The gas, Joker! Or I vow, I will turn your smile upside down.
If it's gas you want Place all tray tables to their upright positions! What is that? Looks like a balloon.
Smiles, people.
Smiles! The balloon's filled with Joker gas.
And he's going to pop it! Over Gotham.
A balloon downtown? This time of year? That's.
.
Crazy? I'll drive.
If you're loving me, wait til you get a load of my POP! Stop this thing, Joker.
With what brakes? It's the Batman.
And he's pummelling a clown.
The jack-in-the-box, Yin.
What if clown is the one behind the Arkham incident? Explain the missing orderly.
Maybe Bats took him cause.
.
I don't know The guy needed help or something.
Fair enough.
We're chasing two perps.
One's a criminal, the other's still a vigilante.
Watch your pinkies! East.
Gotham Bay.
You have made me one very sad clown! Hmm? Where'd you go? Knock-knock.
Who's there? My precious gas! Passed by a party-pooper.
I had a different punchline in mind.
Well, we can take the clown in.
I know you love to swim.
Alfred, move our house guest out of the Bat-cave and prep the lab.
I have an antidote to whip up.
Steiner, check.
McSwain, check.
Check.
They all said I was sick in the head.
They said, I needed help.
Well, maybe I am a bit, batty.
Blame it on the bats in my belfry.
Where, Mr.
Thorne? There! I saw him! What's there? Take him! Ok, we split the take.
30-70.
How do you do that? I'm the Batman.
Surprise.
I'm touched, Alfred, but my birthday isn't until October.
It's an anniversary, Master Bruce.
Three years ago tonight, you first donned the cape and cowl.
Crime flies.
Chop chop, make a wish.
I wish I wish I wish they were here too.
Very much so.
To the memory of Thomas and Martha Wayne.
The reason I became the Batman.
Chief Rojas, can you verify rumors that it was the Batman who apprehended crime boss Rupert Thorne and his gang last night? Do you know of anyone who's actually seen this Batman? Because he's what's called an "urban legend".
Why.
.
that cheeky.
.
! Branflakes, sir? Easy, Alfred.
The Batman is right where he likes, hovering below the radar.
You are not one to bask in glory, Master Bruce.
Well there you have it.
In only 3 years time our crime rate has plummeted to a nationwide low.
Thanks to Gotham's finest.
Back to you, Jim.
Next up, billionaire Bruce Wayne contributes an unprecedented sum to Gotham Children's Hospital.
And in sports, the Gators kick off a new season with tonight's home game.
Which billionaire Bruce Wayne will be there to enjoy.
Your season ticket, sir.
Oh, tonight? Aw but I had- Work to do in the Bat-cave? For the Batman to better remain below the radar, Bruce Wayne must occassionally venture above it.
Get anything on our vigilante this time, Bennett? Besides the fact that he bat-wrapped Thorne's butt for us? Well it's up to you and your partner to see to it that this urban legend doesn't become a folk hero.
Partner? Since when? Since I decided that two heads were better than one.
Detective Ethan Bennett, meet Detective Ellen Yin.
Formerly of Metropolis P.
D.
Their loss.
Howdy, partner.
Welcome to Gotham.
Now that you two are acquainted, bring me this Batman, whoever he is.
Ahem.
I know, Alfred.
Time for swinging bachelor Bruce Wayne to put on the party hat.
Rest assured, Master Bruce, you are never far from the Bat-cave with the modern miracle of Bat-Wave.
Steiner, check.
McSwain, check.
Hey No one logged any new arrivals.
What are you doing in here? What the I was feeling a bit screwloose, so I checked myself in.
Who are you? My card.
No, no! Let me tell you something: Old Bats never leaves a trace.
No prints, no follicles, no match on tire tracks.
Custom jobs.
Dude has resources.
And a knack for showing up where crime is and police aren't.
I've never laid eyes on him.
Just in.
An unknown perp released all patients from the east wing of Arkham Asylum.
What? That's crazy! Crazy enough to lure a bat? You know, I once toyed with the idea of buying the Gators.
Buying them lunch.
Oh Mr.
Wayne.
Uh, pardon me, ladies.
Arkham? And among Gotham notables, we welcome the young CEO of Wayne lndustries Bruce Wayne.
Uh, grabbing a gator dog, no doubt.
No doubt.
Gotta work on those stops.
What? That was theatrical.
Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say? What did you do to him? Just some laughing gas.
Don't tell me you're not an inmate.
What rational being dresses like you? And speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me? Who are you? Joker.
Not what.
Who? Smear free.
It's perma-clown! Ooh, tough crowd.
Look.
Nothing up my sleeves.
Nothing that won't put a smile on your face.
Say "cheese"! I'm out of gas.
And I'm out of patience.
You really know how to spoil a coming out party.
How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout? Listen Joker, you're sick.
You need help.
Well, maybe I'm a little off.
But what are you gonna do? Lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here.
Situation report? We're rounding up patients and waiting for choppers to take us over.
Like we'll get any drier? New partner.
Triathlon whiz.
You know, I really love this place.
My old hideouts are shambles.
And this place just screams me! Ok.
Take back the asylum.
But mark my words, this town has happy days ahead! Smile, Gotham! Well, better split up.
You have the right to remain silent.
Bennett, spot the perp? The Bat.
Sir, a stranger in the Bat-cave? Tonight we'll make an exception.
Oh my.
Chap could use a dentist.
Or a medic.
Right then.
Chief Rojas, any suspects into this bizarre jack-in-the-box hostage incident? I'm not at liberty to reveal whom.
But I feel confident our best detectives are closing in on him as we speak.
And Gotham Gator fan Bruce Wayne with nary an alibi.
How's our patient? Despite the ghastly grimmace, fit as a fiddle.
Poor fellow simply a prisoner in his own body.
A sample of Joker's gas is our only hope of deriving an antidote.
And I need to find it, before this mad man puts a permanent smile on all of Gotham.
Smile, Gotham! My old hideouts are shambles.
If I find the old hideout, I find this Joker.
Master Bruce, someone to see you.
Who is it, Alfred? The police.
Detective, am I under arrest? Yo Bruce! Hey Ethan.
Where've you been, my friend? Master Bruce was at the Gator game last night.
Speaking of, thought we were all set to shoot some hoops last week.
I've been buried, Ethan, 24/7.
So, why the sudden visit? Just needed to talk to someone.
Other than the guys at the station, I mean.
This is gonna sound weird, Bruce, But last night, I saw the Batman.
Only a Ming.
So, he's for real? What's he look like? Dude like you and me.
Except he wears Bat-jamas.
Tough part's this, Bruce: I really believe the Bat's helping Gotham, even if he is on the wrong side of the law.
But he's getting a bad rep, and the heat's on me to take him down.
Looks like a clown hideout.
Stop me if you've heard this one before, Batman.
There were these two fellows in an abandoned party flavour factory.
One says to the other Where are you keeping the gas, Joker? You call that a punchline? I don't share your sense of humor.
Yet we're linked, you and I.
Like comedy and tragedy.
Two sides, same coin.
The gas, Joker! Or I vow, I will turn your smile upside down.
If it's gas you want Place all tray tables to their upright positions! What is that? Looks like a balloon.
Smiles, people.
Smiles! The balloon's filled with Joker gas.
And he's going to pop it! Over Gotham.
A balloon downtown? This time of year? That's.
.
Crazy? I'll drive.
If you're loving me, wait til you get a load of my POP! Stop this thing, Joker.
With what brakes? It's the Batman.
And he's pummelling a clown.
The jack-in-the-box, Yin.
What if clown is the one behind the Arkham incident? Explain the missing orderly.
Maybe Bats took him cause.
.
I don't know The guy needed help or something.
Fair enough.
We're chasing two perps.
One's a criminal, the other's still a vigilante.
Watch your pinkies! East.
Gotham Bay.
You have made me one very sad clown! Hmm? Where'd you go? Knock-knock.
Who's there? My precious gas! Passed by a party-pooper.
I had a different punchline in mind.
Well, we can take the clown in.
I know you love to swim.
Alfred, move our house guest out of the Bat-cave and prep the lab.
I have an antidote to whip up.
Steiner, check.
McSwain, check.
Check.
They all said I was sick in the head.
They said, I needed help.
Well, maybe I am a bit, batty.
Blame it on the bats in my belfry.