The Batman (2004) s01e03 Episode Script
Call of the Cobblepot
Mommy's just come from the most awful party, Princess.
The catering was a disaster, the guests were strictly B-list, And Carrie would not shut up about her trip to New Zealand! Mommy needs a long hot bath.
Hush, Princess! Mommy has a headache! Princess! What is going- Aghhhhhhh!!! Third high rise this week, all with the same M.
O.
No prints, no forced entry, no physical evidence of any kind.
I'd say it sounds like our Batman, if he were a burglar.
I thought I set it on the- The Batman! Freeze! Hey you! Stop! Go Bats.
Hey Alfred, Check this out.
Strix nebulosa lapponica, a rare species of owl native to China.
According to the Batwave's search function, these scratches from the victim's dressing table match the owl's talon span.
Someone has trained a bird to perform burglaries.
Without suggesting that I'm not sufficiently impressed with your deductive powers, Master Bruce, I must remind you that you have a gala fund-raiser to host? Right, Alfred.
Tomorrow night.
Sir, it is "tomorrow night".
We wouldn't want any guests growing suspicious of how billionaire bachelor Bruce Wayne really spends his time after dark, now, would we? Hello, ladies.
Make way, make way.
The Ozz-meister is in the house! Bruce Wayne.
King of the castle, ruler of the rules.
Have we met? Cobblepot.
Ozwald Cobblepot.
Of the new Casual Cobblepots? But call me Ozzy.
We have a lot in common, you and I.
We're young, rich, and handsome- I don't think I've heard of y- I don't think I've heard of y- I've been abroad.
Just got back from a tour of the Orient! Uh, ha, I see.
Mmm, speaking of abroad Well I for one have certainly heard of the Cobblepots.
My grandfather used to butler for them back in England, and they were an obnoxious lot then as well.
Grandpa Pennyworth worked himself to the bones for those wretched snobs, and they treated him like a street dog! Then, had the nerve to fire him! Get lost, creep! Ooh, spunky! Hey, miss! Wait up! How 'bout some veetos there, Jeeves? Hey.
Sorry about the weird guy.
Sure you don't want to stick around for the band? Oh! Bruce! Amanda Raymond.
We met last year at the Earth Day thing? You know, maybe I will stick around.
Uhh, pardon me.
You know, trespassing is against the law.
Oops.
Busted.
Ethan.
I see you brought a guest.
My partner.
Hi, I'm Bruce.
Detective Yin.
Freeze! You want to come in and join the party? Not tonight, we're on the clock.
Chief's orders.
Keeping an eye on high profile events with that string of robberies and all.
Ahhhhhh!!! Are you okay? A bird attacked me.
Whoo, freaky.
When I was a kid, a seagull snagged my sandwich.
I'm sure it just thought your rubies were berries Ahh, more shrimp puffs and be quick about it.
And no skimping on the mayo this time.
I will have you know- Everything okay here, Alfred? I was about to inform Mr Cobblepot that his name does not appear on the guest list.
Let me see that.
Hghh.
An oversight.
No doubt.
But this is a charity event, so if you wish to continue devouring the hors d'oeuvres, you must make the required donation.
Is that so? Here's my contribution, Jeeves.
Oh dear.
Best teach the help some manners, Brucie.
That's what separates the Waynes from the Cobblepots.
Ones? The odd thing is, I was certain I'd heard the Cobblepot fortune had long since been squandered.
They had to leave England to avoid the shame.
It'll be a shame if you didn't get some sleep, Alfred.
And try not to dream of these Cobblepots.
And you, Sir? Batman has some bird watching to do.
I don't believe it.
My serving tray's gone missing! That homunculus oaf did it just to spite me.
Well grandpa Pennyworth would have wanted to know what became of the Cobblepots.
One of Cobblepot's girls.
Where's kabuki twin number two? Whoa.
Great.
Double trouble.
Cobblepot Manor? I came this far, Pennyworth.
Hello? So this is what became of the Cobblepot fortune.
Eugh.
Revolting.
Ah ha! Tweet tweet! I'm home, my pretties.
High rise jewel thefts baffle police.
Dozens of similar crimes across Asia, which suddenly stopped last week, and started up again in Gotham.
So Cobblepot is behind it.
Just got back from a tour of the Orient.
Let me see that.
And he used my guest list as a check-list for tonight's crime spree.
Alfred.
Alfred? Huh.
Maybe he's out running errands.
Anchovies.
Who's there? Who trespasses in Cobblepot Manor? Hide and seek, then.
Well, well, well.
Come to help with the dusting, Jeevsie? Actually, I just popped in to reclaim some missing property.
Fine.
You can use it to serve me more of those shrimp puffs.
The days of Pennyworth serving Cobblepots are long since over.
Huh? You're a Pennyworth? And the only thing keeping me from walloping you soundly is the shame that the news of the incident would bring upon my Master Bruce.
Wayne, schmayne.
The good old days when Cobblepots were king are coming back! Cause I'm going to restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory.
Hmpft.
If you intend to do so by pilfering, it may take a while.
Not as long as you think, old man.
You.
Birds? Oh dear.
Allow me to fetch those shrimp puffs straight away.
Unhand me, you harridans.
My pets haven't been fed this evening, and they are famished.
But why feed them seed, when they can feast on a treat of meat? Who's that? What're you doing here? Long story.
No, no no! Come back my pretties! Jolly good.
So, it seems the tales of the Batman are true.
But really, who names themselves after a mangy flying rodent? Just one question, Batman.
How'd you find me? You left a trail of breadcrumbs, Cobblepot.
Please, now that all pretences are off, call me Penguin.
A flightless bird, but one with style.
My word.
A few tricks I picked up in the Orient.
I have a few tricks of my own.
Bring it on, rodent boy.
Watch where you're stepping.
Stay down, Penguin.
And have you miss what's coming next? Let me guess, a little something you picked up in the Orient.
This penguin has claws! Right then.
Bird beats bat.
There's a nice cage waiting for you, Penguin.
In the Gotham State Pen(itentiary).
As thrilling as it was, watching you work, Sir, from here on out, I shall leave the sleuthing to you.
Cause I am going to restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory! Behind you! Hmft.
That is for grandpa Pennyworth.
We'll leave this bird for the police.
Oh dear.
And what of those birds? They flew the coop.
Oh my goodness, that's game! Dogs are on you, dawg! Hey, congrats on the Cobblepot bust, Ethan.
You know, it's hard to believe that such a big time crook was at my party.
I can't take the credit for this one, Bruce.
Big secret, but Gotham's favourite vigilante collared him for us.
And in some ways, man, I'm glad freaks like this Penguin, bring out the Batman.
Hopefully it's not the Batman who brings out the freaks.
The catering was a disaster, the guests were strictly B-list, And Carrie would not shut up about her trip to New Zealand! Mommy needs a long hot bath.
Hush, Princess! Mommy has a headache! Princess! What is going- Aghhhhhhh!!! Third high rise this week, all with the same M.
O.
No prints, no forced entry, no physical evidence of any kind.
I'd say it sounds like our Batman, if he were a burglar.
I thought I set it on the- The Batman! Freeze! Hey you! Stop! Go Bats.
Hey Alfred, Check this out.
Strix nebulosa lapponica, a rare species of owl native to China.
According to the Batwave's search function, these scratches from the victim's dressing table match the owl's talon span.
Someone has trained a bird to perform burglaries.
Without suggesting that I'm not sufficiently impressed with your deductive powers, Master Bruce, I must remind you that you have a gala fund-raiser to host? Right, Alfred.
Tomorrow night.
Sir, it is "tomorrow night".
We wouldn't want any guests growing suspicious of how billionaire bachelor Bruce Wayne really spends his time after dark, now, would we? Hello, ladies.
Make way, make way.
The Ozz-meister is in the house! Bruce Wayne.
King of the castle, ruler of the rules.
Have we met? Cobblepot.
Ozwald Cobblepot.
Of the new Casual Cobblepots? But call me Ozzy.
We have a lot in common, you and I.
We're young, rich, and handsome- I don't think I've heard of y- I don't think I've heard of y- I've been abroad.
Just got back from a tour of the Orient! Uh, ha, I see.
Mmm, speaking of abroad Well I for one have certainly heard of the Cobblepots.
My grandfather used to butler for them back in England, and they were an obnoxious lot then as well.
Grandpa Pennyworth worked himself to the bones for those wretched snobs, and they treated him like a street dog! Then, had the nerve to fire him! Get lost, creep! Ooh, spunky! Hey, miss! Wait up! How 'bout some veetos there, Jeeves? Hey.
Sorry about the weird guy.
Sure you don't want to stick around for the band? Oh! Bruce! Amanda Raymond.
We met last year at the Earth Day thing? You know, maybe I will stick around.
Uhh, pardon me.
You know, trespassing is against the law.
Oops.
Busted.
Ethan.
I see you brought a guest.
My partner.
Hi, I'm Bruce.
Detective Yin.
Freeze! You want to come in and join the party? Not tonight, we're on the clock.
Chief's orders.
Keeping an eye on high profile events with that string of robberies and all.
Ahhhhhh!!! Are you okay? A bird attacked me.
Whoo, freaky.
When I was a kid, a seagull snagged my sandwich.
I'm sure it just thought your rubies were berries Ahh, more shrimp puffs and be quick about it.
And no skimping on the mayo this time.
I will have you know- Everything okay here, Alfred? I was about to inform Mr Cobblepot that his name does not appear on the guest list.
Let me see that.
Hghh.
An oversight.
No doubt.
But this is a charity event, so if you wish to continue devouring the hors d'oeuvres, you must make the required donation.
Is that so? Here's my contribution, Jeeves.
Oh dear.
Best teach the help some manners, Brucie.
That's what separates the Waynes from the Cobblepots.
Ones? The odd thing is, I was certain I'd heard the Cobblepot fortune had long since been squandered.
They had to leave England to avoid the shame.
It'll be a shame if you didn't get some sleep, Alfred.
And try not to dream of these Cobblepots.
And you, Sir? Batman has some bird watching to do.
I don't believe it.
My serving tray's gone missing! That homunculus oaf did it just to spite me.
Well grandpa Pennyworth would have wanted to know what became of the Cobblepots.
One of Cobblepot's girls.
Where's kabuki twin number two? Whoa.
Great.
Double trouble.
Cobblepot Manor? I came this far, Pennyworth.
Hello? So this is what became of the Cobblepot fortune.
Eugh.
Revolting.
Ah ha! Tweet tweet! I'm home, my pretties.
High rise jewel thefts baffle police.
Dozens of similar crimes across Asia, which suddenly stopped last week, and started up again in Gotham.
So Cobblepot is behind it.
Just got back from a tour of the Orient.
Let me see that.
And he used my guest list as a check-list for tonight's crime spree.
Alfred.
Alfred? Huh.
Maybe he's out running errands.
Anchovies.
Who's there? Who trespasses in Cobblepot Manor? Hide and seek, then.
Well, well, well.
Come to help with the dusting, Jeevsie? Actually, I just popped in to reclaim some missing property.
Fine.
You can use it to serve me more of those shrimp puffs.
The days of Pennyworth serving Cobblepots are long since over.
Huh? You're a Pennyworth? And the only thing keeping me from walloping you soundly is the shame that the news of the incident would bring upon my Master Bruce.
Wayne, schmayne.
The good old days when Cobblepots were king are coming back! Cause I'm going to restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory.
Hmpft.
If you intend to do so by pilfering, it may take a while.
Not as long as you think, old man.
You.
Birds? Oh dear.
Allow me to fetch those shrimp puffs straight away.
Unhand me, you harridans.
My pets haven't been fed this evening, and they are famished.
But why feed them seed, when they can feast on a treat of meat? Who's that? What're you doing here? Long story.
No, no no! Come back my pretties! Jolly good.
So, it seems the tales of the Batman are true.
But really, who names themselves after a mangy flying rodent? Just one question, Batman.
How'd you find me? You left a trail of breadcrumbs, Cobblepot.
Please, now that all pretences are off, call me Penguin.
A flightless bird, but one with style.
My word.
A few tricks I picked up in the Orient.
I have a few tricks of my own.
Bring it on, rodent boy.
Watch where you're stepping.
Stay down, Penguin.
And have you miss what's coming next? Let me guess, a little something you picked up in the Orient.
This penguin has claws! Right then.
Bird beats bat.
There's a nice cage waiting for you, Penguin.
In the Gotham State Pen(itentiary).
As thrilling as it was, watching you work, Sir, from here on out, I shall leave the sleuthing to you.
Cause I am going to restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory! Behind you! Hmft.
That is for grandpa Pennyworth.
We'll leave this bird for the police.
Oh dear.
And what of those birds? They flew the coop.
Oh my goodness, that's game! Dogs are on you, dawg! Hey, congrats on the Cobblepot bust, Ethan.
You know, it's hard to believe that such a big time crook was at my party.
I can't take the credit for this one, Bruce.
Big secret, but Gotham's favourite vigilante collared him for us.
And in some ways, man, I'm glad freaks like this Penguin, bring out the Batman.
Hopefully it's not the Batman who brings out the freaks.