The Batman (2004) s04e09 Episode Script
Riddler's Revenge
[GULLS SQUAWKING.]
[BELLS TOLLING.]
RIDDLER: I'll give you one last chance, old friend.
[MOANING.]
It can be cracked, it can be made, it can be told, it can be played.
-What is it? GORMAN [MUFFLED.]
: A joke.
Come on, Gorman.
It's easy.
GORMAN: A joke.
-Jump? GORMAN: A joke.
-Jam? GORMAN: A joke.
-Jarlsberg? No, sorry.
[BEEPING.]
Looks like you get the consolation prize.
A joke, Riddler.
That's the answer.
It's also what you are.
No, no, no! [RIDDLER GRUNTS.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
RIDDLER: Not so fast.
I've waited too long for you to get away now, Gorman.
[GRUNTS.]
This was personal, Batman.
[RIDDLER GRUNTS.]
Ha! Hate doing this to my own ship, Eddie but if that means having you out of my life once and for all.
[BEEPING.]
[BATMAN GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[BEEPING.]
You know, since this is cooking class maybe you should have made something you can eat.
You can eat this.
It's a combination of my two favorite things.
Soup and licorice.
[BEEPING.]
Mr.
Berke? I'm not feeling so well.
Would you like to go home, Mr.
Grayson? [COUGHING.]
Yes, please.
Well, you're not going to.
You've been sliding out of here with barely believable excuses for months.
Plant allergies, frostbite, hallucinations, all those toothaches.
You have any teeth left, by the way? A couple.
[RUMBLING.]
Destroying Gorman was a pet project of mine.
Now ask me how angry I am.
That was us hitting the bottom of Gotham Bay which means we're too deep to make radio contact.
The pressure's too strong to swim out, and we have a very limited air supply.
I suggest we put this on hold.
Ooh, sounds like we're in quite the pickle.
Then here's an easy one for you.
What do I have to lose? [RIDDLER GRUNTS.]
Is that the answer you were looking for? [BEEPING.]
DICK: Gotta get out of here.
Well, you said be creative.
Yes, but we're not making rat poison, are we? You get an F for the assignment but an A for "What were you thinking? " Wait, you can't give him an F without tasting it.
You want to try it, Mr.
Grayson? I sure do.
Huh? [GRUNTING AND GULPING.]
It burns.
Oh, I see, Mr.
Grayson.
Nice try, but you're not going-- [STOMACH GROWLING.]
[RETCHING.]
[GROANING.]
How about you take the rest of the day off, Mr.
Grayson? Too much cheddar, huh? What is 9857? There's nothing in here that's gonna help us.
We're trapped.
It's how many seconds before we run out of air.
[COUGHING.]
RIDDLER: Okay, try this one on for size.
What's at the beginning that's also at the end? BATMAN: Don't you ever get tired of riddles? Oh, but you'll like this one.
What's at the beginning that's also at the end? RIDDLER: The answer is Gorman.
And you, Batman at the beginning and now the end of my career as the Riddler.
Both of you were two pieces in a jigsaw puzzle that began forming long ago.
RIDDLER: You see, I was always interested in matters of the mind.
Even if my dimwitted daddy couldn 't understand.
FATHER: How about we try a real game for once and play some ball, champ? [EDWARD GASPS.]
RIDDLER: And the thrill that came from unriddling a riddle continued to grow.
Especially when I began upping the ante.
Games, you see, were much more interesting when you were playing for something real.
Yet I needed still bigger challenges.
Which is how I, of all people, ended up in a Gotham University lab.
You're a genius, Edward.
External bio hard-drives for the human brain.
This invention is going to put us on the map.
More than that, Julie.
We're changing the way people think.
Can't remember a phone number? Boom! More memory.
Trouble with some nasty math equation? Boom! More processing power.
JULIE: What's this? You have to be careful who you give these puzzles to.
They could drive someone crazy.
Here, it's easy.
[BEEPING.]
You're incredible.
Not so bad yourself.
[GORMAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Knock, knock.
I'm back.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
Gorman.
What part of "We're not interested" didn't you understand? Well, maybe I'm not someone who's gonna take no for an answer, Eddie.
Look, with my business savvy and your invention we can make a whole lot of money together.
Maybe we should at least listen to what he has to offer.
The brains of the operation, huh? Now, what's it gonna take for you to play ball, champ? I was never one for ball, champ.
And I don't plan on having some small-minded dolt profiting off my genius.
[GORMAN GRUNTS.]
You're wrestling with the wrong gator, Eddie.
What were you thinking, Edward? Someone like Gorman could help us.
I don't know why you act the way you do sometimes.
RIDDLER: I hated upsetting Julie, so I told her about my father.
And all the other Neanderthals like Gorman determined to get in my way.
And suddenly, I wasn 't such a riddle to her anymore.
Soon, we were ready to demonstrate our invention for the president of the university, no less.
Edward, I'd like you to meet a potential investor.
And the man kind enough to let us use his home for today's display.
Chuck Gorman.
Pleased to meet you, Eddie.
Let's just get started.
The Laws of Physics, read it.
-Which part? -The whole thing.
Now, what is the law of universal gravitation? Uh.
It states that a particle attracts every other particle with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses.
And inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.
[CLAPPING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
GORMAN: Call an ambulance.
Huh.
What have you done to him? RIDDLER: While the blame would fall on me I was smart enough to know it was Gormie who sabotaged that disc.
With me out of the picture he would now easily get his hands on my technology.
I was ruined, and in that one moment I lost my last chance to.
T o what? T o not be the Riddler.
[GULLS SQUAWKING.]
Come on, where are you, Batman? The distress signal came from somewhere out here.
BATMAN: I still don't see how I fit into this.
Oh, we're getting there.
You see, after the university let me go, I decided to go into interior decorating.
How in the world? Huh? [RUMBLING.]
-What--? EDWARD [ON TV.]
: Exactly.
"What?" My favorite word.
Eddie? Is that you? What have you done to my house? Oh, I took the liberty to make some improvements while you were out.
And because you had some fun at my expense I thought I'd return the favor.
[BEEPING.]
I had nothing to do with what happened to you.
EDWARD: Of course you didn't.
Now, let's have some fun.
Question, what 1 1 -letter word does everyone pronounce incorrectly? I'm not playing your sick games, Eddie.
My father hated my games too.
But I think he just lacked the proper motivation to play them.
[BEEPS.]
Ah.
Okay, okay.
Eleven-letter word everyone pronounces incorrectly? Incorrectly.
The answer's "incorrectly.
" EDWARD: Very good, Gormie.
That's the spirit.
[CLICKS.]
[GORMAN SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
EDWARD: Time for our next riddle.
Forwards it is heavy, backwards it is not.
Forwards it is heavy, backwards it is not? [GRUNTS.]
I don't know! EDWARD: I'll give you a hint.
Backwards it is not.
N-O-T.
Oh, do we need yet another hint? Ton.
A ton.
T-O-N! EDWARD: Sorry, too late.
Goodbye, Gormie.
Ah! [GORMAN GRUNTS.]
What? Oh, great, another freak.
Who are you suppose to be? EDWARD: I know the answer to that.
The Batman.
I've heard of you, a regular do-gooder.
And who are you? Nothing more than a bit of a gamesman.
A riddler, if you will.
Good thing you arrived.
Gormie needs all the help he can get.
[RUMBLES.]
[SLAMS.]
[COMPUTER BEEPS.]
"Within the mirror you must strive to find a way to stay alive.
What is four plus number five? " It's nine.
The answer is nine.
With a riddle, the most obvious answer is rarely the right one.
Wait! See? I told you.
You've just accelerated the countdown.
The riddle says find a way.
A way is a direction.
A direction is south.
Four plus number five is an inverted image of the word "south.
" [GROANS.]
[GLASS BREAKS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
No! That's cheating, Batman.
Maybe if this were a game.
You're done.
Actually, this has been so much fun.
I think I'm just beginning.
RIDDLER: You inspired me that night.
I needed toys like yours, maybe a little fashion sense too.
And I let Gorman taste some real success.
So he'd have that much more to lose.
That ship was filled with his-- My bio-sensitive discs.
Now they're at the bottom of the bay.
But so are we.
[RUMBLING.]
As I said, you were there at the beginning.
And now you're here, at the very bitter end.
It's not over yet.
This container's filled with air, which is lighter than water.
Then we're not floating because something's pinning us down.
Those jolts, they were caused by the debris shifting.
If we can move the debris from the inside, we might break loose.
[GRUNTING.]
Maybe if both of us tried.
You and me work together? I'm into riddles, not jokes.
Besides, I've ruined Gorman and that's as good a note as any to go out on.
Then you're sure it was Gorman who sabotaged you? Even you, Batman could have puzzled together a mystery this obvious.
[GRUNTS.]
Yeah, obvious.
I guess I just figured with a riddle the most obvious answer is rarely the right one.
[RUMBLING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BEEPING.]
-Come on.
-So you can take me to prison? Better than where you were headed.
[GRUNTS.]
Robin? [BATMAN GRUNTS.]
No more question marks, Batman.
Now we put a period at the end of your life.
[GRUNTS.]
Exclamation point, anyone? RIDDLER: Another late night in the lab, Julie? E-- Edward? Oh, you remember me.
I'm touched.
Ah, what are you doing here? There's a riddle I'm having trouble solving.
You were always so good at them, maybe you can help.
The $64,000 question? Why did I sabotage our project? Come on, Edward, it's not that hard.
[RIDDLER GROANS.]
I thought you understood me.
I understood you were a psychopath.
One that was going to ruin any chance for success.
And so you got rid of me.
Very smart.
But I think we can make you smarter yet.
[JULIE GASPS.]
Our little external bio hard-drives for the brain were only intended to be used one at a time.
Let's see what happens when we use them all together.
Ah! No, Edward.
What are you doing? [GRUNTS.]
I know.
I know.
He's about to get his butt kicked.
Am I right? [ROBIN GROANS.]
[GRUNTING.]
So tell me, Batman, how'd you piece together it was my Julie who betrayed me? Easy.
Gorman was a businessman, not a scientist.
He would never have known how to sabotage that disc.
And that left just one other person.
[RIDDLER GRUNTING.]
Anyone would have realized that.
Except you, champ.
[GROWLS.]
Ah! No question about it, Batman.
This time I will have my revenge.
No! Ah! [GRUNTS.]
Ah! BATMAN: Let the police set her free.
One last riddle, Robin.
When is a villain not the villain? BATMAN: They're all yours, officers.
[BELLS TOLLING.]
RIDDLER: I'll give you one last chance, old friend.
[MOANING.]
It can be cracked, it can be made, it can be told, it can be played.
-What is it? GORMAN [MUFFLED.]
: A joke.
Come on, Gorman.
It's easy.
GORMAN: A joke.
-Jump? GORMAN: A joke.
-Jam? GORMAN: A joke.
-Jarlsberg? No, sorry.
[BEEPING.]
Looks like you get the consolation prize.
A joke, Riddler.
That's the answer.
It's also what you are.
No, no, no! [RIDDLER GRUNTS.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
RIDDLER: Not so fast.
I've waited too long for you to get away now, Gorman.
[GRUNTS.]
This was personal, Batman.
[RIDDLER GRUNTS.]
Ha! Hate doing this to my own ship, Eddie but if that means having you out of my life once and for all.
[BEEPING.]
[BATMAN GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[BEEPING.]
You know, since this is cooking class maybe you should have made something you can eat.
You can eat this.
It's a combination of my two favorite things.
Soup and licorice.
[BEEPING.]
Mr.
Berke? I'm not feeling so well.
Would you like to go home, Mr.
Grayson? [COUGHING.]
Yes, please.
Well, you're not going to.
You've been sliding out of here with barely believable excuses for months.
Plant allergies, frostbite, hallucinations, all those toothaches.
You have any teeth left, by the way? A couple.
[RUMBLING.]
Destroying Gorman was a pet project of mine.
Now ask me how angry I am.
That was us hitting the bottom of Gotham Bay which means we're too deep to make radio contact.
The pressure's too strong to swim out, and we have a very limited air supply.
I suggest we put this on hold.
Ooh, sounds like we're in quite the pickle.
Then here's an easy one for you.
What do I have to lose? [RIDDLER GRUNTS.]
Is that the answer you were looking for? [BEEPING.]
DICK: Gotta get out of here.
Well, you said be creative.
Yes, but we're not making rat poison, are we? You get an F for the assignment but an A for "What were you thinking? " Wait, you can't give him an F without tasting it.
You want to try it, Mr.
Grayson? I sure do.
Huh? [GRUNTING AND GULPING.]
It burns.
Oh, I see, Mr.
Grayson.
Nice try, but you're not going-- [STOMACH GROWLING.]
[RETCHING.]
[GROANING.]
How about you take the rest of the day off, Mr.
Grayson? Too much cheddar, huh? What is 9857? There's nothing in here that's gonna help us.
We're trapped.
It's how many seconds before we run out of air.
[COUGHING.]
RIDDLER: Okay, try this one on for size.
What's at the beginning that's also at the end? BATMAN: Don't you ever get tired of riddles? Oh, but you'll like this one.
What's at the beginning that's also at the end? RIDDLER: The answer is Gorman.
And you, Batman at the beginning and now the end of my career as the Riddler.
Both of you were two pieces in a jigsaw puzzle that began forming long ago.
RIDDLER: You see, I was always interested in matters of the mind.
Even if my dimwitted daddy couldn 't understand.
FATHER: How about we try a real game for once and play some ball, champ? [EDWARD GASPS.]
RIDDLER: And the thrill that came from unriddling a riddle continued to grow.
Especially when I began upping the ante.
Games, you see, were much more interesting when you were playing for something real.
Yet I needed still bigger challenges.
Which is how I, of all people, ended up in a Gotham University lab.
You're a genius, Edward.
External bio hard-drives for the human brain.
This invention is going to put us on the map.
More than that, Julie.
We're changing the way people think.
Can't remember a phone number? Boom! More memory.
Trouble with some nasty math equation? Boom! More processing power.
JULIE: What's this? You have to be careful who you give these puzzles to.
They could drive someone crazy.
Here, it's easy.
[BEEPING.]
You're incredible.
Not so bad yourself.
[GORMAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Knock, knock.
I'm back.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
Gorman.
What part of "We're not interested" didn't you understand? Well, maybe I'm not someone who's gonna take no for an answer, Eddie.
Look, with my business savvy and your invention we can make a whole lot of money together.
Maybe we should at least listen to what he has to offer.
The brains of the operation, huh? Now, what's it gonna take for you to play ball, champ? I was never one for ball, champ.
And I don't plan on having some small-minded dolt profiting off my genius.
[GORMAN GRUNTS.]
You're wrestling with the wrong gator, Eddie.
What were you thinking, Edward? Someone like Gorman could help us.
I don't know why you act the way you do sometimes.
RIDDLER: I hated upsetting Julie, so I told her about my father.
And all the other Neanderthals like Gorman determined to get in my way.
And suddenly, I wasn 't such a riddle to her anymore.
Soon, we were ready to demonstrate our invention for the president of the university, no less.
Edward, I'd like you to meet a potential investor.
And the man kind enough to let us use his home for today's display.
Chuck Gorman.
Pleased to meet you, Eddie.
Let's just get started.
The Laws of Physics, read it.
-Which part? -The whole thing.
Now, what is the law of universal gravitation? Uh.
It states that a particle attracts every other particle with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses.
And inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.
[CLAPPING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
GORMAN: Call an ambulance.
Huh.
What have you done to him? RIDDLER: While the blame would fall on me I was smart enough to know it was Gormie who sabotaged that disc.
With me out of the picture he would now easily get his hands on my technology.
I was ruined, and in that one moment I lost my last chance to.
T o what? T o not be the Riddler.
[GULLS SQUAWKING.]
Come on, where are you, Batman? The distress signal came from somewhere out here.
BATMAN: I still don't see how I fit into this.
Oh, we're getting there.
You see, after the university let me go, I decided to go into interior decorating.
How in the world? Huh? [RUMBLING.]
-What--? EDWARD [ON TV.]
: Exactly.
"What?" My favorite word.
Eddie? Is that you? What have you done to my house? Oh, I took the liberty to make some improvements while you were out.
And because you had some fun at my expense I thought I'd return the favor.
[BEEPING.]
I had nothing to do with what happened to you.
EDWARD: Of course you didn't.
Now, let's have some fun.
Question, what 1 1 -letter word does everyone pronounce incorrectly? I'm not playing your sick games, Eddie.
My father hated my games too.
But I think he just lacked the proper motivation to play them.
[BEEPS.]
Ah.
Okay, okay.
Eleven-letter word everyone pronounces incorrectly? Incorrectly.
The answer's "incorrectly.
" EDWARD: Very good, Gormie.
That's the spirit.
[CLICKS.]
[GORMAN SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
EDWARD: Time for our next riddle.
Forwards it is heavy, backwards it is not.
Forwards it is heavy, backwards it is not? [GRUNTS.]
I don't know! EDWARD: I'll give you a hint.
Backwards it is not.
N-O-T.
Oh, do we need yet another hint? Ton.
A ton.
T-O-N! EDWARD: Sorry, too late.
Goodbye, Gormie.
Ah! [GORMAN GRUNTS.]
What? Oh, great, another freak.
Who are you suppose to be? EDWARD: I know the answer to that.
The Batman.
I've heard of you, a regular do-gooder.
And who are you? Nothing more than a bit of a gamesman.
A riddler, if you will.
Good thing you arrived.
Gormie needs all the help he can get.
[RUMBLES.]
[SLAMS.]
[COMPUTER BEEPS.]
"Within the mirror you must strive to find a way to stay alive.
What is four plus number five? " It's nine.
The answer is nine.
With a riddle, the most obvious answer is rarely the right one.
Wait! See? I told you.
You've just accelerated the countdown.
The riddle says find a way.
A way is a direction.
A direction is south.
Four plus number five is an inverted image of the word "south.
" [GROANS.]
[GLASS BREAKS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
No! That's cheating, Batman.
Maybe if this were a game.
You're done.
Actually, this has been so much fun.
I think I'm just beginning.
RIDDLER: You inspired me that night.
I needed toys like yours, maybe a little fashion sense too.
And I let Gorman taste some real success.
So he'd have that much more to lose.
That ship was filled with his-- My bio-sensitive discs.
Now they're at the bottom of the bay.
But so are we.
[RUMBLING.]
As I said, you were there at the beginning.
And now you're here, at the very bitter end.
It's not over yet.
This container's filled with air, which is lighter than water.
Then we're not floating because something's pinning us down.
Those jolts, they were caused by the debris shifting.
If we can move the debris from the inside, we might break loose.
[GRUNTING.]
Maybe if both of us tried.
You and me work together? I'm into riddles, not jokes.
Besides, I've ruined Gorman and that's as good a note as any to go out on.
Then you're sure it was Gorman who sabotaged you? Even you, Batman could have puzzled together a mystery this obvious.
[GRUNTS.]
Yeah, obvious.
I guess I just figured with a riddle the most obvious answer is rarely the right one.
[RUMBLING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BEEPING.]
-Come on.
-So you can take me to prison? Better than where you were headed.
[GRUNTS.]
Robin? [BATMAN GRUNTS.]
No more question marks, Batman.
Now we put a period at the end of your life.
[GRUNTS.]
Exclamation point, anyone? RIDDLER: Another late night in the lab, Julie? E-- Edward? Oh, you remember me.
I'm touched.
Ah, what are you doing here? There's a riddle I'm having trouble solving.
You were always so good at them, maybe you can help.
The $64,000 question? Why did I sabotage our project? Come on, Edward, it's not that hard.
[RIDDLER GROANS.]
I thought you understood me.
I understood you were a psychopath.
One that was going to ruin any chance for success.
And so you got rid of me.
Very smart.
But I think we can make you smarter yet.
[JULIE GASPS.]
Our little external bio hard-drives for the brain were only intended to be used one at a time.
Let's see what happens when we use them all together.
Ah! No, Edward.
What are you doing? [GRUNTS.]
I know.
I know.
He's about to get his butt kicked.
Am I right? [ROBIN GROANS.]
[GRUNTING.]
So tell me, Batman, how'd you piece together it was my Julie who betrayed me? Easy.
Gorman was a businessman, not a scientist.
He would never have known how to sabotage that disc.
And that left just one other person.
[RIDDLER GRUNTING.]
Anyone would have realized that.
Except you, champ.
[GROWLS.]
Ah! No question about it, Batman.
This time I will have my revenge.
No! Ah! [GRUNTS.]
Ah! BATMAN: Let the police set her free.
One last riddle, Robin.
When is a villain not the villain? BATMAN: They're all yours, officers.