The Ben Stiller Show (1992) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller.
This week we're coming to you from hip, trendy Melrose Avenue the inspiration for Melrose Place.
Fox has decided they want all their shows to come from Melrose.
They want The Simpsons taking place on Melrose Avenue COPS to be all on Melrose and Living Color will be Melrose Living Color.
Watch this, and we'll be right back.
This week on Skank I love bacon.
Burn, pig, burn! Don't get too close to that hot grease.
Honey, shut your stinking My eyes! - I see nothing! - Skank! Everything is turned topsy-turvy when Skank goes blind.
It's out of the frying pan and into the laughter when the whole family has some eggshell-walking to do.
Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Mom, get him off me! And Skank starts to lose touch: Honey, refresh my memory.
What color are sneezes? So Doris comes up with a crazy scheme to cheer Skank up.
Honey, guess who's here.
It's Todd Bridges.
Hey, Skank.
I heard you used to watch me on TV.
Yeah.
Watch TV.
V.
Vision.
Television.
I'm blind, you idiot! And then it's Todd to the toe-tapping rescue.
Honey, you keep him busy while I call the cops.
Kick off your shoes, because this sock's on Fox! Honey, I can't see your stinking trap, but I know it ain't shut! Skank.
We get these calls at Red Sea Beach about six or seven times a week.
Some religious fanatics claiming they're the chosen people attempting to defy the laws of nature in some way.
It's too bad.
This used to be a good neighborhood.
- Jeez, there's the nutjob! - All right, let's go, Johnny! Behold the hand of God! Let the waters part for the children of Israel! - Yo! Show's over! - Hey.
Maestro, over here.
- Come over here.
- Get over here.
- What do you want from me? - Come here.
All right, what's going on here? - I am parting the Red Sea.
- You got a permit for that? - Yes.
- Then cough it up.
- Got a permit? - I mean, no.
The Lord has it.
- He has commanded it.
- Yeah, right.
Yes or no? You're trying to part the sea.
We saw you.
Yes and no.
The answer is yes and no.
Listen to me.
Come here.
Hey, you got about 40,000 people on the other side of that ridge, right? You saying you're responsible for each one of them? Because someone so much as litters, I gotta take you in.
Hey, look what I found.
You believe this guy? What are these about? In the name of the Lord, leave those alone.
- Hey, we got a burning bush over here! - Run, Sarah! Where you going? Get back here! Listen.
I'm gonna give you one more shot.
Take these people, turn them around, take them back where you came from.
I implore you to heed me.
The blood of the Hebrews will make no more mortar for the Egyptians.
Hey, Pops, listen to me.
I don't care about that.
All I'm saying is, you can't be here right now.
- You can't be here.
- But No buts.
That's it.
You gotta take it, move it out, okay? Hold it in the name of Ramses! Run, Sarah.
Don't listen to him.
- Why you running? - We worship the golden calf.
Not your buddy parting the water back there? Where'd you get the calf? - Found it.
- Made it.
Which is it? We found the materials and made it with What we found.
Get up the hill! I'm too old for this s t.
Get up the hill.
- Don't beat Sarah! - Get up the hill! Don't you beat You've got to understand where I'm coming from.
I gotta chase you around all day.
You think I like that? I'm warning you.
Do not anger the Lord, our God.
Let me tell you something.
Your pal here says you've been drinking while prophesizing.
That's a felony, my friend.
- That's right, Popeye.
- You have been warned! So have you.
I'm taking you in.
Let's go build some pyramids, buddy.
What the? Holy mother of Who will be next to feel the Lord's wrath? He must be the chosen one.
The Lord speaks through Moses! This guy, he's obviously hopped up on something so I'm gonna go messenger for backup.
We'll get him locked up, but in 48 hours, he'll be out here doing the same thing.
That was my partner, so But, you know, it's part of the business.
I'm getting the f k out of here.
Welcome back.
We're hanging out here on Melrose with my friend Bob Odenkirk.
- Hi.
This is a cool place.
Very hip.
- Yeah, definitely hip.
Most of the people who walk down the street are probably fans of your show.
I don't know Seriously, because the show is hip too.
And cool.
This would be a good chance to talk to your audience and find out what they like and don't like about the show and detail it to their wishes.
- Yeah, maybe sometime - And there's some ladies here too - No.
Bob - Hi.
I'm Bob Odenkirk.
Hi.
- Hi.
This gentleman would like to ask you a question.
- No, I don't want to ask - Come on, don't be shy.
Have you seen The Ben Stiller Show? I was wondering - Who? - What is that? - It's a comedy show on Fox.
- Ben who? Forget it.
Not a good idea.
Let's just watch another Fox show, okay? - They obviously haven't seen our show.
- Ask them about books they read.
Come on, I just want to talk to some women.
Exactly.
You just want Go ahead.
You don't need me for that.
Do you watch any TV? - All the time.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What do you like? And now, Ben Stiller's Music News with Tabitha Soren.
This is a special music video update.
The censorship battle over rap star Ice Man McGee's latest release is heating up.
A Los Angeles man by the name of Doug Szathkey is protesting Ice Man's new hit single, "Kill Doug Szathkey.
" Mr.
Szathkey, who happens to be Ice Man's neighbor claims the lyrics are disturbing and potentially dangerous and called for a nationwide boycott of the album.
We have received a special advance copy of the video.
You decide.
Mr.
Szathkey granted us an exclusive interview at his home in Los Angeles.
What did I do? I mean, I know he has the right to say anything but I'm gonna get killed here.
I gotta move.
This is not a good place.
You should get out too.
Oh, God! He's got a gun! Oh, God! Oh, no! Leave me alone! Ice Man McGee held a press conference to respond to the charges.
It's like I'm saying.
It's just censorship, straight up.
I would like to make it clear that when I said, "Kill Doug Szathkey" I was using street terminology to describe a situation from my life.
When you misinterpret my words, all y'all dis me, you dis my fans and you dis the United States Constitution.
And that's the real crime.
Peace.
We out of here.
The record company has agreed to release the album with the following warning label: "Warning: Manufacturer does not condone the killing, or in any way harming of Doug Szathkey, but instead wishes Doug a long, healthy and fulfilling life.
" This has been a music video update brought to you by: Yummy Gummy Auto Parts, the auto-part-shaped chewy candy with a burst of real fruit juice.
It's really good sparkling water.
We're here at one of the hip Melrose Avenue restaurants having a good time - You ready to order? - Yeah.
Andy? You know what sounds good is the Tyne Daly veggie kabob.
- Good.
Janeane? - I'll have the Adam West Cajun bites.
I'm going to have the Gary Coleman gazpacho.
I'm not hungry.
I'm just gonna have more Ice-T ice tea.
- That's good, that's good.
- Great.
Good meal coming up.
We'll be right back.
- Yeah.
- Know what I mean? - But I don't like filming on this street.
- It's Melrose - Creeps me out.
These people are freaks.
- They want us to be hip.
They have brass rings in places where you should not poke holes.
- Well, Andy - I'm always watching my back.
It's very, very scary.
People are walking like this: - You know, like robots.
- Calm down, all right? I'm freaked out.
Nothing to be frightened of.
There are worse things to be scared of.
- Let's walk faster.
- Okay.
You're looking at late-night shock jock Damien Faustman a man who hates his listeners almost as much as he hates himself.
Tonight he'll learn that it doesn't take a lot of expensive special effects or an original story line to come face to face with his worst nightmare: His soul.
On Low Budget Tales of Clichéd Horror.
It's 2: 15 a.
m.
, Tri-City area, and it's time for the man you love to hate.
He's taking your calls and he's mad as hell.
At 666-DVIL, it's Damien Faustman.
It's 2:15, and I'm Damien Faustman.
What are you doing awake? I hate you all.
Almost as much as I hate myself.
- Line one.
- I just wanna say I love your show Shut up.
I hate you.
- Line two.
- What's your problem, Faustman? What did you do, sell your soul to the devil or something? - Line three.
- Damien, I'm 16 and I'm feeling really depressed and confused Go kill yourself.
Don't waste my time.
Don't worry.
No one will miss you.
Okay, we'll be back with more of your miserable calls right after this.
I gotta quit these things.
Jeez, it's hot in here.
Damn air conditioning.
Faustman! It's time.
Who said that? Crazy kids.
All right, we're back, and you're still calling.
How pathetic.
- Line six.
- How hot do you think it is in hell? I don't know.
Why don't you ask your mother? Line four.
You leave my mother out of this! You're all alone now, Damien.
Feeling warm? 666, what a coincidence.
Time is running out.
Look at your friend now.
Do I have to come right out and say it? Those crazy kids! - Line one.
- Damien, this is Angelica.
Didn't you get it when I broke up with you? I hate you! Almost as much as you hate yourself? Oh, Damien, I love you.
Let's go away.
Like when we went to that cabin in the mountains.
Things can be good again.
You've got to believe that they can.
Crank call.
- Line two.
- Good one, Faustman.
I never liked the mountains anyway.
Too chilly.
Why don't you just show yourself, face to face? Yes, well, I'd love to.
But I think it'll be a lot scarier for you to imagine what I look like.
There's horns on your poster.
I wonder what that means.
Your "On the Air" sign is getting red.
Interesting.
Time's still running out, Faustman.
It's getting so hot in here.
Here at WDVL.
Get it? Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name? - Line one! - Have a little sympathy for me! - Those crazy kids! I hate them! - As much as you hate yourself? I will not go with you to hell! Go with me? News flash: You're already in hell! - Welcome to hell, Faustman.
- That's it? - This is it? - Pretty scary, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean What do you mean, "Yeah, I guess"? I've been dropping hints at you for over an hour now.
This is it.
Your own personal hell.
I work with what I got.
I mean, look at the clock.
It's got blood on it.
You don't see that every day.
It scares me, and I thought it up.
Yeah, right.
Sure.
I bet.
Hey, could you stop that, please? Please, because I'm getting sick, and it's really It's enough already with that.
You know, I really I feel like I should fall into a fiery pit I should get engulfed by something.
There should be something more Insects should eat me or something.
I feel this is Is it just this? I mean I'm not even hot, you know? Look.
We are in a recession.
I am on a budget.
Damien Faustman, a man who has just learned that terror doesn't have to have a high price tag.
Especially when the thing you hate most is your Self.
I know.
I hate myself.
I mean, come on.
I think we've beat that one into the ground.
This is just Anybody got an iced tea or something? I mean This is not really This didn't work out too well.
Now, Janeane, you're the perfect Melrose Avenue resident.
- Thank you.
- You got the look happening.
You're very stylish, very hip.
Well, yeah, I've got the clothes and stuff but I want to say I'm not just completely surface and I'd like to appeal to the Melrose kids.
Don't just work out these.
You gotta work this muscle out too.
Read a book every once in a while.
Might give you information you might need.
You did well in school? You were a good student? - No.
Not at all.
- No.
See? - Me neither.
I just never - Never cracked a book.
Yeah, that's me.
I never cracked a book.
That's why I'm doing this.
- Cliffs Notes.
- Know what I'm saying? Where am I? Why, in the house of General George Washington.
But who are you? And where do you come from? George Washington? Redcoats.
Minutemen! Why, the old professor wasn't crazy after all.
His old time machine really works! Coming this fall: Meet a new kind of time traveler.
She's just an ordinary citizen like you and me.
If you have indeed traversed time, you'll know every strategy and battle of the conflict to come.
The revolution is won! Well, sir, actually, all I remember is redcoats, minutemen and you have wooden teeth.
Well, tell me something I don't know.
Didn't you study American history? - Yeah, but I wasn't a freak about it.
- Well, that's great.
That's just great.
Sorry! B- minus Time Traveler.
With nothing but a B-minus average from an American public school she plunges through space and time, helping whomever she can with her vague, sketchy knowledge of American history.
Come on, Stacey, shake those cobwebs loose! July 7, 1941, a day that will live in infamy.
September 12, 1941, a day that will live in Come on, General MacArthur, they both sound right! How could you forget the date Pearl Harbor was bombed? Well, it's super easy to cheat in that class because we had this system rigged where you would write it on your arm.
She was always the one who asked, "Why do we need to know this stuff?" Well, now she has her answer.
Look, Mr.
Columbus, one of your ships gets lost.
Either the Nina or the Pinta.
I should not have cut Spanish.
Crash-o ship-o bye-bye! It's an endless pop quiz.
And now she wishes she'd done the reading.
Why am I crossing the Delaware? Am I attacking? Am I retreating? Just give me something here.
Possibly retreating.
I don't remember.
Oh, well, that's a great attitude.
That really helps me a lot.
Look, I know you got to bring more shoes.
Enough about the shoes.
Everything is shoes and teeth with you! Just give me a fact, a date, something.
Listen to me.
When I was studying this in school I was trying to get my driver's permit cramming for those stupid SATs I had a million things on my mind.
For heaven's sake, keep trying.
If you can't remember that date this could be the greatest disaster since Washington capsized in the Delaware with all those shoes.
B- minus Time Traveler.
She never thought she'd be tested on this.
- Stop yelling at me.
- Well, if you're the future, I quit.
I'm out of here.
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All-cay ow-nay.
All ajor-may edit-cray ards-cay accepted! Well, that's about it.
We're out of time.
We did the whole Melrose thing this week, but nobody really changed.
- We've learned to be ourselves and - I'll stick around.
- Andy, what are you doing? - I love it here.
This place is great.
- It's Melrose.
- I can't believe you.
- What is this hat you're wearing? - What are you doing? It's mine.
- What are you, Mr.
Hip, cool? - I'm Melrose, Ben.
I'm Andy.
I thought you were afraid of getting things pierced.
Get off it, Ben.
These are just people.
Hey, my ride's leaving.
I gotta get going.
- Hey, hang on, girls.
- Wait a minute.
Andy! Hang on a second.
No - Do you know him? - Let's go! - Go ahead, he's - Go for it! Wait.
Andy? Andy, I was joking! Do you know? Who is that girl? Do you know her? - Yeah.
- Where are they going? Do you know? I'm sorry.
I guess I'll see you next week, huh? Yeah.
I've got Martha on my back.
You don't want Martha on your back.
That's something you don't want to deal with.
Cut.
I'm Ben Stiller.
This week we're coming to you from hip, trendy Melrose Avenue the inspiration for Melrose Place.
Fox has decided they want all their shows to come from Melrose.
They want The Simpsons taking place on Melrose Avenue COPS to be all on Melrose and Living Color will be Melrose Living Color.
Watch this, and we'll be right back.
This week on Skank I love bacon.
Burn, pig, burn! Don't get too close to that hot grease.
Honey, shut your stinking My eyes! - I see nothing! - Skank! Everything is turned topsy-turvy when Skank goes blind.
It's out of the frying pan and into the laughter when the whole family has some eggshell-walking to do.
Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Mom, get him off me! And Skank starts to lose touch: Honey, refresh my memory.
What color are sneezes? So Doris comes up with a crazy scheme to cheer Skank up.
Honey, guess who's here.
It's Todd Bridges.
Hey, Skank.
I heard you used to watch me on TV.
Yeah.
Watch TV.
V.
Vision.
Television.
I'm blind, you idiot! And then it's Todd to the toe-tapping rescue.
Honey, you keep him busy while I call the cops.
Kick off your shoes, because this sock's on Fox! Honey, I can't see your stinking trap, but I know it ain't shut! Skank.
We get these calls at Red Sea Beach about six or seven times a week.
Some religious fanatics claiming they're the chosen people attempting to defy the laws of nature in some way.
It's too bad.
This used to be a good neighborhood.
- Jeez, there's the nutjob! - All right, let's go, Johnny! Behold the hand of God! Let the waters part for the children of Israel! - Yo! Show's over! - Hey.
Maestro, over here.
- Come over here.
- Get over here.
- What do you want from me? - Come here.
All right, what's going on here? - I am parting the Red Sea.
- You got a permit for that? - Yes.
- Then cough it up.
- Got a permit? - I mean, no.
The Lord has it.
- He has commanded it.
- Yeah, right.
Yes or no? You're trying to part the sea.
We saw you.
Yes and no.
The answer is yes and no.
Listen to me.
Come here.
Hey, you got about 40,000 people on the other side of that ridge, right? You saying you're responsible for each one of them? Because someone so much as litters, I gotta take you in.
Hey, look what I found.
You believe this guy? What are these about? In the name of the Lord, leave those alone.
- Hey, we got a burning bush over here! - Run, Sarah! Where you going? Get back here! Listen.
I'm gonna give you one more shot.
Take these people, turn them around, take them back where you came from.
I implore you to heed me.
The blood of the Hebrews will make no more mortar for the Egyptians.
Hey, Pops, listen to me.
I don't care about that.
All I'm saying is, you can't be here right now.
- You can't be here.
- But No buts.
That's it.
You gotta take it, move it out, okay? Hold it in the name of Ramses! Run, Sarah.
Don't listen to him.
- Why you running? - We worship the golden calf.
Not your buddy parting the water back there? Where'd you get the calf? - Found it.
- Made it.
Which is it? We found the materials and made it with What we found.
Get up the hill! I'm too old for this s t.
Get up the hill.
- Don't beat Sarah! - Get up the hill! Don't you beat You've got to understand where I'm coming from.
I gotta chase you around all day.
You think I like that? I'm warning you.
Do not anger the Lord, our God.
Let me tell you something.
Your pal here says you've been drinking while prophesizing.
That's a felony, my friend.
- That's right, Popeye.
- You have been warned! So have you.
I'm taking you in.
Let's go build some pyramids, buddy.
What the? Holy mother of Who will be next to feel the Lord's wrath? He must be the chosen one.
The Lord speaks through Moses! This guy, he's obviously hopped up on something so I'm gonna go messenger for backup.
We'll get him locked up, but in 48 hours, he'll be out here doing the same thing.
That was my partner, so But, you know, it's part of the business.
I'm getting the f k out of here.
Welcome back.
We're hanging out here on Melrose with my friend Bob Odenkirk.
- Hi.
This is a cool place.
Very hip.
- Yeah, definitely hip.
Most of the people who walk down the street are probably fans of your show.
I don't know Seriously, because the show is hip too.
And cool.
This would be a good chance to talk to your audience and find out what they like and don't like about the show and detail it to their wishes.
- Yeah, maybe sometime - And there's some ladies here too - No.
Bob - Hi.
I'm Bob Odenkirk.
Hi.
- Hi.
This gentleman would like to ask you a question.
- No, I don't want to ask - Come on, don't be shy.
Have you seen The Ben Stiller Show? I was wondering - Who? - What is that? - It's a comedy show on Fox.
- Ben who? Forget it.
Not a good idea.
Let's just watch another Fox show, okay? - They obviously haven't seen our show.
- Ask them about books they read.
Come on, I just want to talk to some women.
Exactly.
You just want Go ahead.
You don't need me for that.
Do you watch any TV? - All the time.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What do you like? And now, Ben Stiller's Music News with Tabitha Soren.
This is a special music video update.
The censorship battle over rap star Ice Man McGee's latest release is heating up.
A Los Angeles man by the name of Doug Szathkey is protesting Ice Man's new hit single, "Kill Doug Szathkey.
" Mr.
Szathkey, who happens to be Ice Man's neighbor claims the lyrics are disturbing and potentially dangerous and called for a nationwide boycott of the album.
We have received a special advance copy of the video.
You decide.
Mr.
Szathkey granted us an exclusive interview at his home in Los Angeles.
What did I do? I mean, I know he has the right to say anything but I'm gonna get killed here.
I gotta move.
This is not a good place.
You should get out too.
Oh, God! He's got a gun! Oh, God! Oh, no! Leave me alone! Ice Man McGee held a press conference to respond to the charges.
It's like I'm saying.
It's just censorship, straight up.
I would like to make it clear that when I said, "Kill Doug Szathkey" I was using street terminology to describe a situation from my life.
When you misinterpret my words, all y'all dis me, you dis my fans and you dis the United States Constitution.
And that's the real crime.
Peace.
We out of here.
The record company has agreed to release the album with the following warning label: "Warning: Manufacturer does not condone the killing, or in any way harming of Doug Szathkey, but instead wishes Doug a long, healthy and fulfilling life.
" This has been a music video update brought to you by: Yummy Gummy Auto Parts, the auto-part-shaped chewy candy with a burst of real fruit juice.
It's really good sparkling water.
We're here at one of the hip Melrose Avenue restaurants having a good time - You ready to order? - Yeah.
Andy? You know what sounds good is the Tyne Daly veggie kabob.
- Good.
Janeane? - I'll have the Adam West Cajun bites.
I'm going to have the Gary Coleman gazpacho.
I'm not hungry.
I'm just gonna have more Ice-T ice tea.
- That's good, that's good.
- Great.
Good meal coming up.
We'll be right back.
- Yeah.
- Know what I mean? - But I don't like filming on this street.
- It's Melrose - Creeps me out.
These people are freaks.
- They want us to be hip.
They have brass rings in places where you should not poke holes.
- Well, Andy - I'm always watching my back.
It's very, very scary.
People are walking like this: - You know, like robots.
- Calm down, all right? I'm freaked out.
Nothing to be frightened of.
There are worse things to be scared of.
- Let's walk faster.
- Okay.
You're looking at late-night shock jock Damien Faustman a man who hates his listeners almost as much as he hates himself.
Tonight he'll learn that it doesn't take a lot of expensive special effects or an original story line to come face to face with his worst nightmare: His soul.
On Low Budget Tales of Clichéd Horror.
It's 2: 15 a.
m.
, Tri-City area, and it's time for the man you love to hate.
He's taking your calls and he's mad as hell.
At 666-DVIL, it's Damien Faustman.
It's 2:15, and I'm Damien Faustman.
What are you doing awake? I hate you all.
Almost as much as I hate myself.
- Line one.
- I just wanna say I love your show Shut up.
I hate you.
- Line two.
- What's your problem, Faustman? What did you do, sell your soul to the devil or something? - Line three.
- Damien, I'm 16 and I'm feeling really depressed and confused Go kill yourself.
Don't waste my time.
Don't worry.
No one will miss you.
Okay, we'll be back with more of your miserable calls right after this.
I gotta quit these things.
Jeez, it's hot in here.
Damn air conditioning.
Faustman! It's time.
Who said that? Crazy kids.
All right, we're back, and you're still calling.
How pathetic.
- Line six.
- How hot do you think it is in hell? I don't know.
Why don't you ask your mother? Line four.
You leave my mother out of this! You're all alone now, Damien.
Feeling warm? 666, what a coincidence.
Time is running out.
Look at your friend now.
Do I have to come right out and say it? Those crazy kids! - Line one.
- Damien, this is Angelica.
Didn't you get it when I broke up with you? I hate you! Almost as much as you hate yourself? Oh, Damien, I love you.
Let's go away.
Like when we went to that cabin in the mountains.
Things can be good again.
You've got to believe that they can.
Crank call.
- Line two.
- Good one, Faustman.
I never liked the mountains anyway.
Too chilly.
Why don't you just show yourself, face to face? Yes, well, I'd love to.
But I think it'll be a lot scarier for you to imagine what I look like.
There's horns on your poster.
I wonder what that means.
Your "On the Air" sign is getting red.
Interesting.
Time's still running out, Faustman.
It's getting so hot in here.
Here at WDVL.
Get it? Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name? - Line one! - Have a little sympathy for me! - Those crazy kids! I hate them! - As much as you hate yourself? I will not go with you to hell! Go with me? News flash: You're already in hell! - Welcome to hell, Faustman.
- That's it? - This is it? - Pretty scary, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean What do you mean, "Yeah, I guess"? I've been dropping hints at you for over an hour now.
This is it.
Your own personal hell.
I work with what I got.
I mean, look at the clock.
It's got blood on it.
You don't see that every day.
It scares me, and I thought it up.
Yeah, right.
Sure.
I bet.
Hey, could you stop that, please? Please, because I'm getting sick, and it's really It's enough already with that.
You know, I really I feel like I should fall into a fiery pit I should get engulfed by something.
There should be something more Insects should eat me or something.
I feel this is Is it just this? I mean I'm not even hot, you know? Look.
We are in a recession.
I am on a budget.
Damien Faustman, a man who has just learned that terror doesn't have to have a high price tag.
Especially when the thing you hate most is your Self.
I know.
I hate myself.
I mean, come on.
I think we've beat that one into the ground.
This is just Anybody got an iced tea or something? I mean This is not really This didn't work out too well.
Now, Janeane, you're the perfect Melrose Avenue resident.
- Thank you.
- You got the look happening.
You're very stylish, very hip.
Well, yeah, I've got the clothes and stuff but I want to say I'm not just completely surface and I'd like to appeal to the Melrose kids.
Don't just work out these.
You gotta work this muscle out too.
Read a book every once in a while.
Might give you information you might need.
You did well in school? You were a good student? - No.
Not at all.
- No.
See? - Me neither.
I just never - Never cracked a book.
Yeah, that's me.
I never cracked a book.
That's why I'm doing this.
- Cliffs Notes.
- Know what I'm saying? Where am I? Why, in the house of General George Washington.
But who are you? And where do you come from? George Washington? Redcoats.
Minutemen! Why, the old professor wasn't crazy after all.
His old time machine really works! Coming this fall: Meet a new kind of time traveler.
She's just an ordinary citizen like you and me.
If you have indeed traversed time, you'll know every strategy and battle of the conflict to come.
The revolution is won! Well, sir, actually, all I remember is redcoats, minutemen and you have wooden teeth.
Well, tell me something I don't know.
Didn't you study American history? - Yeah, but I wasn't a freak about it.
- Well, that's great.
That's just great.
Sorry! B- minus Time Traveler.
With nothing but a B-minus average from an American public school she plunges through space and time, helping whomever she can with her vague, sketchy knowledge of American history.
Come on, Stacey, shake those cobwebs loose! July 7, 1941, a day that will live in infamy.
September 12, 1941, a day that will live in Come on, General MacArthur, they both sound right! How could you forget the date Pearl Harbor was bombed? Well, it's super easy to cheat in that class because we had this system rigged where you would write it on your arm.
She was always the one who asked, "Why do we need to know this stuff?" Well, now she has her answer.
Look, Mr.
Columbus, one of your ships gets lost.
Either the Nina or the Pinta.
I should not have cut Spanish.
Crash-o ship-o bye-bye! It's an endless pop quiz.
And now she wishes she'd done the reading.
Why am I crossing the Delaware? Am I attacking? Am I retreating? Just give me something here.
Possibly retreating.
I don't remember.
Oh, well, that's a great attitude.
That really helps me a lot.
Look, I know you got to bring more shoes.
Enough about the shoes.
Everything is shoes and teeth with you! Just give me a fact, a date, something.
Listen to me.
When I was studying this in school I was trying to get my driver's permit cramming for those stupid SATs I had a million things on my mind.
For heaven's sake, keep trying.
If you can't remember that date this could be the greatest disaster since Washington capsized in the Delaware with all those shoes.
B- minus Time Traveler.
She never thought she'd be tested on this.
- Stop yelling at me.
- Well, if you're the future, I quit.
I'm out of here.
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All-cay ow-nay.
All ajor-may edit-cray ards-cay accepted! Well, that's about it.
We're out of time.
We did the whole Melrose thing this week, but nobody really changed.
- We've learned to be ourselves and - I'll stick around.
- Andy, what are you doing? - I love it here.
This place is great.
- It's Melrose.
- I can't believe you.
- What is this hat you're wearing? - What are you doing? It's mine.
- What are you, Mr.
Hip, cool? - I'm Melrose, Ben.
I'm Andy.
I thought you were afraid of getting things pierced.
Get off it, Ben.
These are just people.
Hey, my ride's leaving.
I gotta get going.
- Hey, hang on, girls.
- Wait a minute.
Andy! Hang on a second.
No - Do you know him? - Let's go! - Go ahead, he's - Go for it! Wait.
Andy? Andy, I was joking! Do you know? Who is that girl? Do you know her? - Yeah.
- Where are they going? Do you know? I'm sorry.
I guess I'll see you next week, huh? Yeah.
I've got Martha on my back.
You don't want Martha on your back.
That's something you don't want to deal with.
Cut.