The Best Laid Plans (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

Just Watch Me

Angus! For you.
Says it's urgent.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hello? Angus, thank God! Daniel, how on earth did you find me? It wasn't easy.
Now listen, Angus I'm having the time of my life up here, Daniel.
The most spectacular northern lights I've ever Th that's great.
The thing is, there's a bit of a situation happening here.
Speak up, lad.
Just that Well, there might be that ghost of an outside chance that you might actually be elected.
I can't hear a word you're saying, laddie.
I'll be home on Monday, we'll have a drink and a game of chess.
N-n-n-n-n-n-no, Monday's too late.
This can't wait until Monday.
Angus, please, just You really must come up here sometime, Daniel.
It's indescribably beautiful! Angus, please! Angus, don't hang up.
Don't hang up! Don't hang You know how sometimes after a really bad experience, when all hope seems lost, you get up in the morning and just like that, for no reason at all, the world doesn't seem quite so malevolent? Hey, Lindsay, it's Daniel.
Again.
Anyways nothing urgent.
Just wanted to say sorry about everything, and I hope you'll give me a chance to explain.
Okay, bye for now.
Hey, Lindsay? Addison! What the hell, you turn off your phone? Uh, no, I lost my phone and I had to get a new phone.
Oh Jesus, get your ass down here.
Bradley, I'm just having my morning coffee and Now, goddamnit, or you're dead meat! You hear me? Dead meat with a side of dead gravy.
You know the kind of morning when what seemed dark and depressing the night before just melts away a special feeling and you finally understand what it means when they say it's always darkest before the dawn? Agggghhhhhhh! That is so not my life.
Fallout continues from the Cameron scandal after the former Finance Minister was discovered to be in a sadomasochistic relationship with his campaign manager.
You believe that guy? I heard he had a whole dungeon in his house.
You know, whips, harnesses, nipple clamps I had to look that one up.
An election in three days and all anybody can talk about is Eric Cameron's nipple clamps.
It's basically a couple of alligator clips connected to a double-a battery.
$25 bucks a pop.
I can get 'em for a dollar.
Man, there's a sucker born every minute, eh? Yes, there sure is.
By the way, your gaskets are leaking.
You should get 'em checked before it blows sky high.
Good luck! Hello, Rachel.
Hello, Daniel.
Addison.
Sorry, I got here as soon as I could.
My car wouldn't start and then I know.
Stressful.
Last days of the campaign.
How are you coping? Okay.
Good! We just want to make sure you're getting all the help you need, don't we, Rachel? Help? Hmm.
What happened the other day, at the rally, gotta be concerning.
Oh, that.
Yeah, I'm not worried.
That was probably just some crank.
That's what I told the rcmp.
But they don't take these things too lightly, not when it involves the leader of the opposition.
They called it a terrorist act.
T terrorist? Well, that's crazy.
Yeah, they traced the call to a phone booth next to a Tim's.
The store had a security camera.
They were able to get a pretty good photo of the guy who made the call.
Okay, I can explain.
Goody.
See, the candidate was unavailable.
- Unavailable? - Yes.
Meaning drunk? - No.
- Hungover.
No! No.
Just, just away.
Oh my God! He's in jail, isn't he? No! No! Jesus, Bradley, something came up at the last moment and I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for the leader.
I see.
So you did what any reasonable person would do and phoned in a bomb threat?! Uh, I may have overreacted.
Addison, I don't know if you're incompetent or lying, or both.
No matter.
We're done.
You're fired.
Fired? You can't fire me, I work for Angus.
You mean Bigfoot? That's what people call him because no one has ever seen him.
It's a tactic! No, see, we're keeping him out of sight, you know, to add to his mystique.
Oh, sweet Jesus! Get the hell out of here before I have you arrested.
You make me sick! We just feel that we can't trust you anymore, Daniel, and what's more important than trust? Fired.
Fine! What do I care? I'm free.
I'm finally free! Now I can return to my original plan: A university career far away from all of this.
A life of peace, quiet contemplation.
The medallions on the ornamental skylight represent various government departments.
Can I buy a postcard of that? Hmm.
Who is this? I'm sorry, ma'am, that's not part of the tour.
Now if we hurry, we can make it to the parliamentary boutique.
Sir Wilfred Laurier, our seventh Prime Minister.
Okay, thanks.
Nicknamed the great conciliator for his ability to find common ground among warring factions.
Probably his greatest achievement was the Manitoba Schools Act of 1890.
Great conciliator.
Like to see how he'd cope in my situation.
I am branded in Quebec as a traitor to the French, and, in Ontario, as a traitor to the English.
I am neither.
I am Canadian.
Yes, exactly.
See, if I keep my deal with Angus a secret, I'll be a traitor to my team.
But if I tell them about my deal with Angus, I'll be a traitor to Angus.
That we be judged by our principles.
Then there's Lindsay; she hates my guts, with good reason.
Hmm! Trouble? With the ladies? How will she ever trust me again? Not really my department.
Of course.
I'll ask Trudeau.
Hmm.
Hi, gran.
Oh, hello dear.
What are you reading? Well, I know, it's unseemly, but I just can't get enough of this stuff.
How the mighty have fallen.
I'll say.
Have you spoken to Daniel? No.
Why would I? Hmm, I just thought he might have called with an explanation.
What possible explanation could he have for the way he treated us? I know.
I just think there must be another side to the story.
We've just been retweeted by Drake.
Oh my goodness! But who's Drake? Hello, dear, it's Edna Mae from the Angus McLintock campaign.
I'll certainly pass that on to Angus.
McLintock, yes, yes, it starred John Wayne.
No, they don't make movies like that anymore.
Our phone campaign is going gangbusters.
They don't hang up anymore, in fact, we can hardly get them off the line.
Oh my goodness.
Well, I'll have to let you go.
Bye now.
Hello, Daniel.
What brings you here this fine day? I've come to give you an apology all of you an apology.
A while ago, I made a decision to get out of politics.
I was burnt out.
At the last minute, the party asked me to do one last favour, they asked me to run a hopeless campaign this campaign and I accepted that job, and I immediately recognized my mistake.
Hence my attempts to sabotage the campaign.
Nothing can justify what I did.
It was a betrayal of your trust, your good faith, and the Democratic process, and for that I am truly sorry.
Does Angus know about this? No.
Daniel Addison may be a fink, but Angus McLintock is the real deal.
Anyway, thank you for hearing me out.
Um best of luck with the campaign.
Angus is very fortunate to have you all on his team.
Come on, people, work those phones! Yeah, that'll be all right.
Fontana! Call you back.
Boss! Hey! I'm at the end of my rope here.
I can explain.
Five weeks you've had to write this thing.
I know, but you don't know what I'm up against! No one will talk to me.
No one! I mean I know you've heard this story before, but I'm telling you, not McLintock, not Addison, not his department secretary, his former students, members of his campaign team The election's in three days.
Where the hell is he? I don't know! Aw! Yet, yet, but I'm gonna find out.
I promise ya.
Hmm? You know, the Charlottetown tour of Annie is coming to the National Arts Centre.
I still don't have anyone to cover it.
No.
Please, please, I beg of you, okay? I will do everything I can to get this story, even if it kills me.
Please.
Okay, good.
Go on, get out of here.
Thank you! Yeah, go on, get out! I won't disappoint you.
Well, it looks like we've plateaued at 42 percent of decided voters.
Isn't that a good thing? Compared to where we started, but it's not enough.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Uh, uh, listen, I've run five times in this riding, and I've never been this close to winning.
No, we can't give up now! If only I'd had the backbone to stand up to Stanton in the beginning, none of this would have happened.
Well, it's all over now but the shouting.
That will be when Angus comes home and finds out I betrayed him.
Which reminds me, I'll need to find another place to live.
Daniel.
Muriel? Daniel, we're running out of time.
The election is in two days.
Our volunteers just can't talk to enough people, so we need your help, your experience.
Okay, so, get me up to speed.
Our phone campaign is starting to pay off.
It's called the big listen.
The big listen.
We've been calling Cameron supporters to see what's on their minds.
So th that's your strategy? Okay, I'm not sure how that would We're getting a conversion rate of 45 percent.
Forty-five? People really want a chance to vent.
And we're there to hear them.
Okay.
Tomorrow's Saturday, right? Something has to be done about hockey violence.
How can we teach our children about fair play and then turn on the TV and pish! My boy, Angus McLintock, has the solution for you.
What creeps me out is the ads on the Internet.
It feels like nothing's private anymore.
Vote Angus.
Like gay marriage.
I mean, seriously, - get over it.
- Yeah.
I'll let Angus know how you feel.
Nobody I know has a problem with it.
Well, vote Angus.
Yeah.
Jesus, Bob, I don't have time for this, okay? Just get me a thousand balloons to the Sheraton by six o'clock on Monday.
Yes, George? Stanton, what is going on? George, we just spoke two hours ago.
Yeah, I'm reading the Twitter.
Nanos says we're winning, but ekos says we're losing.
George, stop it, okay? You're going to drive yourself crazy.
Call Zalesky.
Find out what his numbers are saying.
Zalesky doesn't have any updates.
Call him, call him, call him! Okay, sure.
I'm just putting you on hold, George.
Okay.
Zed-man, any news? It's George, you know how he gets.
Yeah, okay, I'll tell him.
George? Huh? According to Zalesky, nothing's changed since last night.
It's all down to the undecideds.
Oh goddamnit, come on, what are they waiting for? Christmas? I don't know, George, I'm only telling you what Zalesky told me.
I want him fired.
He's the one that said we should not go negative.
He said that we could win the west.
This isn't Michael's fault, George.
I want him gone! George, calm down right now! I'll call you back in an hour.
Okay.
Hey, Lindsay, can we talk? What about? Well, um, I just want a chance to explain to you that Daniel, it's okay.
I'm fine.
No, no, you don't understand.
No, please.
I'm the one with the problem, okay? I always believe everything anyone tells me about themselves.
- I know it's naive.
- No.
No, you're not Look, we'll just keep this professional, okay? See you on Monday.
Oh.
So we're still calling it an election night party, not a victory party and we'll tell the press that he has two speeches ready.
- Arrogant prick.
- What? Quimby.
Calling me all hours of the night, telling me how to run the campaign? He is the leader.
Goddamn Prima Donna.
If he blows this, he's going down, and I shall be the first one to cheer.
Btw, I heard a little rumour about your friend, Addison.
Oh yeah? Apparently he's back working on the McLintock campaign.
As a volunteer.
What a loser.
Maybe he just wants to do something with his life, Bradley, something slightly nobler.
Yeah, well, to think I used to be so intimidated by him and all those big fancy words.
Hey, I was thinking, um, how about you and me go back to my place and work on our election day strategy? That's you and I.
Right.
You're a pig, Bradley.
Is that a no? Hey! Opposition leader, George Quimby, appeared relaxed and confident today as he headed home to vote in an election that pollsters are saying is too close to call.
Thank you! Merci beaucoup ! Hello? Addison! Norman, what a surprise.
What do you want? Just want to know where Angus is going to be tomorrow night? The candidate will be watching the returns from an undisclosed location.
We will reserve comment until morning.
Come on, Addison.
Throw me a bone here, huh? That is all I have to say.
What are you going to do if he wins, huh? Ok.
You guys know how this goes, right? You get out there and you make sure that every single Angus supporter gets out to vote, okay? Commencing operation snake eater.
It's the ultimate showdown of the ultimate destiny.
Ha ha, right on.
Oh guys, guys, don't forget to vote! Are you kidding, Professor? Yo, it's our first time.
Yo, let's go! Yes, I will vote, but if I don't sort the black from the brown, I have to do them all over again when I get home.
Oh, I can help you.
Oh! Ah! If you touch them, I have to wash them all over again.
Angus, as a token of the friendship between our two communities, I'd like to give you this gift of a seal skin sporran.
Oh, the matching tassels.
Oh, it's a beaut! Ah, this has been the trip of a lifetime.
Well, come back again.
Come back? Of course I will.
The water filtration system is just a prototype.
I've got to scale it up and get it into every community in the north.
Oh yes, the water filtration system.
What a difference it could make.
Could make? Will make.
I'll see to that.
Angus, our people are the most patient in the world, but even we have our limits.
You southerners come up here with a big idea, and you make plans, and we shake hands, and we take pictures, and then nothing.
Bureaucracy.
Kills it every time.
I won't let that happen, I promise.
Sure.
Come back anytime, I'll take you fishing, if there's any fish left.
The polls have just closed in Ontario and here's what we can tell you.
Dianne Gagnon's governing party has surged ahead of George Quimby by twelve seats.
In the north Hey, Danny boy! Come on in! Pull up a chair.
Strong lead, though that's no surprise.
Dianne Gagnon's party has How are you Muriel? Oh, fine and dandy.
Listen, do you know how long I've waited for this, being here with a better than even chance of winning? Oh! Do you wish you were running again? Oh God, no.
No, I'm past all that.
No.
Hindsight is for geezers.
And his decisive knockout blow Give her time, Danny.
And now with his thoughts are resident expert Jean Turton.
Jean, I'm trying to imagine the mood right now at the Prime Minister's campaign headquarters.
Osti.
Just stop, stop.
Stop fussing, okay? It's driving me crazy.
I'll just put in a hairband.
A hairband? Why not? It's good enough for Hilary.
Madame Prime Minister, if you wear a hairband on election day, the press will say that you've given up, that you don't care anymore.
You will never recover.
Besides, even Hilary doesn't wear hairbands anymore.
Okay, fine, fine, fine.
Fine.
Just finish this off.
J'men calice! I've got the beers and popcorn.
Here you go, sir.
But of course, the one riding everyone is watching is Cumberland-Prescott.
Okay, shh! Shh! And home to disgraced cabinet minister, Eric Cameron.
Jean? Well, I think we have to acknowledge that the McLintock campaign had an amazing team.
Yeah! I mean, this guy has become a folk hero, even though no one seems to have met him.
Right, and then there was that incredible social media campaign with the kids doing the lip dub And a memorial video.
The strategy, they took a huge risk.
But as we've seen, it paid off.
Yes! Yes! Thank you, thank you, but really, it was the Professor who gave us the idea.
Me? No, I I had nothing to do with that.
No, your lecture on Aristotle, it really shifted our thinking.
It did? That an election isn't about what divides us, it's about what brings us together.
It's about respect, tolerance, and community.
You got all that from Aristotle? State exists not for the purpose of living together, but for the purpose of noble actions.
Yo, Aristotle rocks! Yeah, he does rock.
Hello? Daniel? Rachel.
You sound surprised.
Yeah, I don't have caller ID.
Ouch.
What's up? I was just sitting here thinking about the last election.
What happened, Daniel? Well, we lost fourteen seats in quebec that we hadn't anticipated.
I mean, to us.
What happened to us? Well, if memory serves, you were banging your boss.
Okay.
I made a mistake.
I'm sorry.
Can't you accept that? Apology accepted.
Are you in love with her? What? The girl I saw.
Rachel Yeah, I know, it's none of my business.
Anyway, I was just wondering if you wanted to come down here and watch the results with me in my hotel room.
For old times sake.
I'll be here, room 204.
Yeah.
As results come in from around the province, we continue to see slight gains for opposition leader George Quimby.
Turning now to cumberland-Prescott Shh! Where the polls have been closed for half an hour.
- Yeah! Yeah! - Hang on, hang on! Our riding watch monitor has Jane Nankovich with 3,522 votes, Angus McLintock with 9,084 votes, and in the lead, Eric Cameron, disgraced former finance minister now running as an independent, with 10,074 votes.
A surprise result, and something I don't think anyone could have predicted.
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
I really thought we might have made it.
We did our best.
That's all we can do.
It's not over yet.
No, most of the polls have finished counting.
Not the 31st, it stayed open late.
What difference does that make? No, dude, poll 31, that's this one right here.
On your screens, you'll see the results of the 31st poll which are now trickling in, and it appears that the dark horse, Angus McLintock, has taken the lead.
Angus! Angus! Angus! Angus! Angus! Angus! Angus! Daniel, what are you doing here? I came to, to pick you up at the airport.
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
W what? Something's wrong.
Muriel all right? No, she, sh she's fine.
She's, she's great, actually.
Then why do you look like you've seen a ghost? Angus No.
No, you cannot be serious.
Try to stay calm, okay? You're having me on, you are.
Yeah.
Aye, aye, you're having a yank at my leg, you are.
Please, Angus, I tried to tell you.
I called you We'll discuss this at home.
Our decision desk is moments away from declaring victory for Angus McLintock in Cumberland-Prescott.
See you spin your way out of this one, Danny boy.
We did it, gran! Yes! We won! We did it, isn't it wonderful! Congratulations, gran.
Yeah, we did it.
- At long last.
- Yes.
The only reason I agreed to this infernal deal was that you told me I could not win.
I know, I know, I know.
I forgot that in politics, anything can happen, and sometimes does.
Politics.
I hate politics.
Who wouldn't? Yes, okay, okay.
It is a dirty business, but it doesn't have to be.
All it takes is for more good people to get involved.
I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work.
Look, for years, people have been trying to solve the water problems on northern reserves, but no one has ever been able to get around the bureaucracy.
Angus, Angus, if you were in Parliament Save it, lad.
I am who I am.
It's too late for me to change.
I'm not asking you to change, I'm just asking you to take a chance.
You know, embrace a moment.
Just like you're always telling me, trust your instincts, right? What are you doing? Ha ha! Vive ut vivas, my friend.
Daniel, it's October, for God's sake.
Okay.
So, you want to talk about it? It? Yeah, what you're going to say.
Or, or no, not that's fine.
Well, good morning.
My name is Angus McLintock.
Ha ha! You might want to save your applause until you've heard what I have to say.
Six weeks ago, I agreed to let my name stand as the candidate for this riding.
At that time, I had neither the expectation nor the intention of ever having to serve.
It was a moment of folly, and one that I deeply regret.
You may be aware that I recently lost my wife of 40 years, marin Lee.
I expect many of you know what that feels like as if the earth had slipped its axis.
It's because of Marin that I came to Canada.
It's because of her that I became a citizen, And it's because of her deep and abiding love for this country that I accept this honour to serve as your member of Parliament.
You may be wondering, who is Angus McLintock and what does he stand for? I can give you a partial answer.
I believe that a nation is more than the sum of its taxpayers.
I believe that democracy is more than a set of statistics, and that public life is more than a balance sheet.
I know these are very old fashioned ideas and may not win me any popularity contests, but I really don't care.
I am not in this to be re-elected.
I only hope to repay some part of the debt I owe this country for all the happiness it has brought me.
Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to take some time to read and prepare for the next chapter of this strange, eventful story.
In the meantime, if you should have any questions, don't hesitate to contact my new executive assistant, Daniel Addison.
Professor! He got me into this situation, and believe me, he'll be with me every step of the way.
Put that in your Funk & Wagnalls.
Go Angus! Angus! Daniel? Lindsay, hey.
I understand.
I mean, I think I do.
You understand? You tried to tell me, didn't you? That I was too caught up in my own insecurities to hear you.
I just wanted to tell you that I get it.
You did the best you could.
Thank you, thank you.
Are you busy right now? I'm very, very busy right now, but I could probably just shift some things around.
Oh, great.
Wow.
Let's go.
You did it, Professor! You did it! And finally, Canada has a new Prime Minister, George Quimby, who won the election with the slimmest of majorities: one.
And that's it for our our post-election analysis.
I'm I look like an undertaker.
- You do not.
- A teetotalling undertaker! You don't! You're just not used to seeing yourself with your hair combed, that's all.
Okay, they're here.
We've gotta go! We've gotta go! What about this? No, no, no, Angus, no, we don't have time.
Aye, Lassie.
No, we don't we don't want to draw too much attention.
Thank you so much.
Oh, he's so happy.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Here we go.
Angus! Oh, right.
Come, should we go? Okay, I'll meet you on the other side.
Whoa, what? This is for members only.
Don't worry, I promise I won't run away.
Okay.
- Hip hip! - Hooray! Hip hip! Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! Duncan, my friend, welcome.
I go by Angus.
Yes, of course.
That was a hell of a thing you did knocking Cameron off his pedestal.
Hell of a thing.
Thank you, but I think a garden gnome could have taken the seat.
Yeah, well, modest too, man after my own heart.
Good to have you aboard.
Hmm.
That is our fearless leader? - He grows on you.
- Like mold? Come on, I want to show you something before the swearing in.
Hmm.
This library was the only building still standing after a fire destroyed centre block in the winter of 1916.
Many of the items in the library's collection, they go back hundreds of years.
They're available to anybody who works in the building.
Now, the intricately carved woodwork Shh! Shh! Shh! And I can come here whenever I like? Whenever you like.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Canada! Thank you, thank you very much.
My dear friends, mes chers coll├Ęgues, welcome to the centre of the universe.
Couple of short words.
It's an honour and a privilege to have this chance to serve with you.
I look forward to working with each and every one of you, but you're going to have to forgive me, I'm due at 24 Sussex to meet my wife to discuss something called window treatments? Help! Ha ha.
Thank you very much! Merci beaucoup ! Merci beaucoup ! Thank you, Prime Minister.
Now, on to more serious subjects.
I don't need to tell you how vulnerable we are right now; we have to be extra careful with our messaging.
We can't afford any slip-ups.
So, no emotional outbursts, no off-the-cuff remarks.
The brand comes first, all right? Most importantly, it means that everything, and I mean everything, goes through this office first.
Do you understand? So attachez vos ceintures, and uh Yes? Uh, Angus McLintock, from Cumberland-Prescott.
Of course! Uh, I'm new at this, so I'm not sure if it's covered in the freshman handbook, but, uh, what is the protocol for introducing a private member's bill? Uh Look, introducing a private member's bill is not only hugely controversial, it's, it's impractical.
An act to secure adequate and affordable water for Northern Canada.
Too much of a mouthful? It has to go through the PMO office, okay? And then it has to go to committee.
And then if it, if it passes committee Did you know that there are 113 first nations communities with boil water advisories, some of them for eight years? Disgraceful! Listen, Angus, we can change this place, okay? But if we try to move too far, or too fast, we may lose it all.
You seem to be forgetting one thing, lad, we didn't choose to be here.
So what's to prevent us trying to shake things up a little, hey? There's a problem in philosophy called the unstoppable force paradox.
It concerns a theoretical situation in which irresistible force meets an immovable object.
Stop your lallygagging, lad, there's work to do! Theory, meet practice.
Or as the Petes might say, here comes the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny.