The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e06 Episode Script
Trick or Treat
COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY âBOUT A MAN NAMED JED, A POOR MOUNTAINEER BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.
AND THEN ONE DAY HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD, AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.
OIL THAT IS, BLACK GOLD, TEXAS TEA.
WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE, THE KIN FOLKS SAID, "JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".
SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE", SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY, HILLS THAT IS, SWIMMING POOLS, MOVIE STARS.
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY AS THEY TAKE YOU TO THEIR MANSION IN THE HILLS OF BEVERLY AND WHEN THEY DO, YOU'LL RUN INTO A FRIEND OF THEIRS YOU'VE MET.
THAT GOOD OL' FRIEND WITH FILTERED BLEND WINSTON CIGARETTE.
WINSTON TASTES GOOD LIKE A CIGARETTE SHOULD.
PA? YEAH, ELLY.
ELLY MAY CLAMPETT.
WHY YOU IS THE PRETTIEST THING I AIN'T NEVER IN ALL MY BORN DAYS HOW DID AN OLD MOUNTAIN GOAT LIKE ME EVER GET A YOUNGIN' LIKE YOU'RE A QUEEN.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE IN THAT SHINY DRESS STANDING THERE, YOU'RE A QUEEN.
FEEL IT, PA.
IT'S SLICKER THAN A TOADS BELLY.
I'LL BE IT IF IT AIN'T.
WHAT KINDA DRESS THEY CALL THAT? WELL, THIS IS WHAT YA CALL A BALL GOWN.
A BALL GOWN? WELL, YOU'RE EVEN CATCHIN' ON TO WHAT THEY'S NAMED.
WELL, MISS HATHAWAY, SHE PINNED A PIECE OF PAPER ONTO EVER DRESS SHE GOT ME, A TELLIN' WHAT IT WAS FOR.
YOU BETTER TOTE ALONG THE SHOTGUN TO KEEP THE FELLAS AWAY.
AH, NO, PA.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOIN' OUT FOR TO MEET SOME FELLAS.
HALLELUJAH.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT SOMETHIN' I BEEN SAYIN' IS THE TRUTH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRESS UP IN BOYS CLOTHES TO HAVE FUN WITH BOYS.
I'M GONNA KEEP MY PROMISE, PA.
I AIN'T GONNA WEAR NOTHING, BUT DRESSES FOR THREE WHOLE DAYS.
AND I'M GONNA KEEP MY PROMISE TOO.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE JUST AS MUCH FUN AS YOU DID CLIMBING TREES AND WRESTLING, YOU CAN GO BACK TO WEARING YOUR PANTS AND SHIRT.
GOODBYE, PA.
WHATCHA DOINâ, KILLIN' ANTS? GRANNY, THIS PLACE AIN'T GOT NO ANTS.
MLL TELL YOU SOMETHIN" ELSE IT AIN'T GOT.
THAT'S ME.
I'M GONNA PACK UP AND GO HOME.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD ON THERE.
THIS IS HOME.
NOT TO ME IT AIN'T, AND FOR MY PART THEY CAN GIVE BEVERLY HILLS BACK TO THE INDIANS OR WHOEVER ELSE WAS FOOL ENOUGH TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
COME ON LET'S GO IN HERE AND SIT DOWN AND WE'LL TALK THIS WHOLE THING OVER.
YOU JUST GOT YOUR BACK UP âCAUSE THE POLICE MADE US GET RID OF ALL OUR COWS, AND PIGS, AND CHICKENS AND STUFF.
WELL, THAT DIDN'T HELP NONE, BUT IF THEY DON'T ALLOW FOLKS TO HAVE STOCK WHY THEY GOT THAT ALL FIRED FANCY STOCK PEN DOWN THERE? WELL, GRANNY IT TURNED OUT THAT, THAT THERE WAS SOMETHIN' CALLED A TENNIS COURT.
WHAT IN TARNATION IS A TENNIS? I DON'T KNOW, BUT ONE THESE DAYS, WE'LL GET US A PAIR OF 'EM AND GO TO RAISIN THEM OUT THERE.
WELL, YOU GO TO RAISIN' THEM.
I'M GOING BACK HOME WHERE I CAN GET SOME GOOD THINGS IN LIFE LIKE HOG JOWLS AND POSSUM SHANK.
NOW, HOLD ON GRANNY.
JETHRO'S OUT HUNTIN' POSSUMS RIGHT NOW.
WELL, HE WON'T FIND NONE.
I BEEN ALL OVER THESE BEVERLY HILLS, AND I TELL YOU IT AIN'T EASY CLIMBING FENCES, AND WALLS AND JUMPIN' OVER HEDGES TO GET AROUND THOSE CEMENT PONDS WHERE THERE ARE A LOT OF HALF NAKED WOMEN LAYIN' THERE SMEARING THEMSELVES WITH OIL AND YELLIN' AT YOU TO, "GET OUT, GET OUT!" I TELL YOU, JED, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF THE LAZIEST, GREASIEST, UNFRIENDLIEST MESS OF PEOPLE I EVER DID LAY MY EYES ON.
HERE, HERE'S JETHRO.
HI, BOY.
WHAT DID YA GET? I GOT CHASED BY A FELLA WITH A CLUB.
THERE YOU HERE THAT, JED? IT'S THOSE BEVERLY HILLBULLIES PICKING ON A LITTLE BOY LIKE JETHRO.
COME ON JETHRO, LOAD UP THE TRUCK AND LET'S HEAD FOR HOME.
NOW, HOLD ON.
I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S AILING YOU TWO.
YOU'RE JUST PLAIN OL' HOMESICK.
WELL, I'M SICK OF THIS HOME I CAN TELL YOU THAT.
THERE NOW, I GOT A SURPRISE I BEEN A KINDA SAVIN'.
I RECKON NOW IS AS GOOD TIME AS ANY TO LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG.
WE NEED PIGS, AND CHICKENS AND HE GETS US A CAT.
NOW, THAT AIN'T THE SURPRISE, GRANNY.
THE SURPRISE IS PEARL'S COMIN' OUT HERE.
MA'S COMIN' OUT HERE? YEAH, AND SHE'S BRINGING YOUR SISTER JETHRENE.
HOT DIGGITY DOG.
YEAH, I WROTE HER A LETTER.
AND I SAID, "PEARL," I SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT HERE AND BRING JETHRENE? WE GOTTA LOTS OF ROOM AND PLENTY TO EAT AND WE SURE ISA HANKERIN' TO SEE YA.
" OH, BOY, I GOTTA GET US SOME POSSUM NOW "CAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING MA AND JETHRENE LIKES IT'S GRITS AND POSSUM SHANKS.
YOU DON'T LOOK PARTICULAR CHEERED UP, GRANNY.
JED, YOU MIGHT FOOL THAT BOY WITH A STORY LIKE THAT, BUT NOT ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SINCE WHEN CAN YOU WRITE LETTERS? WELL, NOW WAIT GRANNY.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
GRANNY, I DIDN'T WRITE THAT LETTER BY HAND.
HELD THE PENCIL BETWIXT YOUR TOES, DID YA? NO, I WROTE IT BY A NEW WAY THE BANKER'S SECRETARY SHOWED ME.
IT'S CALLED DICTATATION.
WHAT'S DICTATATION? OH, IT'S WONDERFUL, GRANNY.
YOU JUST TALK AND SHE WRITES IT DOWN.
SHE SURE MUST WRITE FAST.
YEAH, AND WITH A BAD HAND TOO.
SHE'S GOT A BAD HAND? IT'S THIS ONE.
SHE CALLS HER SHORTHAND.
I DON'T CARE HOW MANY LETTERS YOU DICTATATE JED.
PEARL AIN'T A COMIN' OUT HERE, LEASTWISE NOT RIGHT NOW.
WELL, SURE SHE IS GRANNY.
SHE'S LOOKIN' TO FIND A HUSBAND FOR JETHRENE.
PLL TELL YOU WHO PEARL IS A LOOKIN' TO GET A HUSBAND FOR, PEARL.
AND I THINK SHE'S GOT HER CAP SET FOR THAT OIL MAN THAT BOUGHT YOUR SWAMP.
MR.
BREWSTER? WHY HE LIVES CLEAN OVER TO TULSA.
YEAH, BUT PUMPIN' OIL BRINGS HIM OVER TO YOUR PLACE, AND I'LL BET YOU PIGS TO POLECATS THAT WHEN HE SHOWS UP PEARL AIN'T FER BEHIND.
THERE HE IS.
HOLD ON, JETHRENE.
WHY, MR.
BREWSTER OF ALL PEOPLE FANCY MEETIN' YOU HERE.
SMALL WORLD, AIN'T IT? YES, IT CERTAINLY IS.
OH, THIS HERE'S MY DAUGHTER JETHRENE.
THIS IS MR.
BREWSTER, DEAR.
I'M PLEASED TO MEET YOU YOUNG LADY.
HI.
MAY I GIVE YOU A HAND, MRS.
BODINE? OH, THANK YOU, STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.
CAREFUL NOW.
THERE WE ARE.
WELL, I SEE YOU GIRLS ARE ON YOUR WAY TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY.
WHAT KINDA PARTY? HALLOWEEN.
WHAT'S A HALLOWEEN? UM, YOU DON'T CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN HERE IN THE HILLS? WELL, I NEVER HEARD OF IT.
WHAT'S IT LIKE? WELL, IT'S AN OCCASION WHERE EVERYONE GETS DRESSED UP IN THEIR MOST BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES.
OH, THESE OLD THINGS, THEY'RE JUST SOMETHIN' I THREW TOGETHER MYSELF.
WELL, THEY LOOK LIKE THEY CAME FROM SAKS.
WELL, THEY DIDN'T.
I MADE THEM WITH STORE BOUGHT YARD GOODS.
DIDN'T I, JETHRENE? YES, 'EM.
WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU GIRLS HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL INDIAN SUMMER DAY? FOLLOWIN' YOU.
WE WAS HEADED THIS WAY ANYWAY.
I PROMISED TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE OLD HOME PLACE FOR COUSIN JED 'MEMBER.
OH, I HOPE HE WON'T MIND THAT I HAD A TELEPHONE PUT IN THE CABIN.
YOU SEE WE'RE USING IT AS A SORT OF A FIELD OFFICE.
OH, HE WON'T MIND SPECIALLY IF YOU WOULD SHOW IT TO ME AND I COULD SEE FOR MYSELF THAT THERE WAS NO DAMAGE DONE TO THE CABIN.
WELL, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, COME ALONG.
STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.
WELL, PERHAPS, SHE'D LIKE TO STRETCH HER LEGS.
THEY'RE LONG ENOUGH NOW.
JETHRENE'S AWFUL TALL FOR HER AGE.
SHE TAKES AFTER HER FATHER, HER LATE FATHER THAT IS.
I'M A WIDOW.
YES, I BELIEVE YOU TOLD ME.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT THAT'S WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU WAS A WIDOWER.
YES.
YOU STILL ARE, I SUPPOSE.
A WIDOWER? UM-HUM.
OH, YES.
STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.
I'M GOIN' BACK WHERE I SHOULD'VE STAYED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
NOW, GRANNY, BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHIN' YOU'RE LIABLE TO BE SORRY FER, YOU BETTER TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AROUND AND SEE ALL THE NICE THINGS WE GOT HERE THAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BACK HOME.
LIKE WHAT? WELL, LIKE THIS GREAT BIG COOKIN' ROOM FOR ONE THING.
WHY YOU COULD TAKE OUR WHOLE CABIN AND PUT IT RIGHT IN THIS ONE ROOM.
WELL, IF YOU DID THAT, I MIGHT STAY.
WHAT ABOUT THEM BIG ICE BOXES? AIN'T GOT NOTHING LIKE THEM BACK HOME.
DIDN'T NEED 'EM.
GOT NIPPY IN THE FALL LIKE THE GOOD LORD INTENDED IT TO.
THIS CRAZY CALIFORNY STAYS WARM ALL YEAR ROUND.
THAT'S AWFUL GOOD FOR GROWIN' THINGS.
LOOK AT THAT FRUIT THERE, DID YOU EVER IN YOUR WHOLE BORN DAYS EVER SEE ANYTHING AS PRETTY AS THAT FRUIT? DON'T SPOIL NEITHER.
DON'T TASTE NEITHER.
OH, NOW.
JETHRO ATE A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM GRAPES, TWO APPLES, A PEAR AND A WHOLE HANDFUL OF STRAWBERRIES, AND HE SAID THERE WASN'T ONE BIT OF JUICE IN THE WHOLE KIT'N'KABOODLE OF 'EM.
HE SAID IT WAS DRY AS WAX.
IS A MIGHT DRY AND GUMMY.
MAYBE YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT THIS FRUIT.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS MISERABLE PLACE YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO DO NOTHIN'.
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE COWS OR PIGS OR CHICKENS.
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO FIRE UP THE STILL AND MAKE A LITTLE MOONSHINE WHISKEY.
ANSWER ME, WHAT CAN YOU DO IN THIS BEVERLY HILLS? WELL, YOU CAN DO LOTS OF THINGS GRANNY, THINGS YOU COULDN'T DO BACK HOME.
NAME ONE.
WELL, UH.
, YOU CAN CALL UP YOUR FRIENDS ON THE TELEPHONE.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT? "CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT NO FRIENDS THAT'S WHY NOT.
THERE AIN'T BEEN ONE NEIGHBOR COME A CALLIN' ON US SINCE WE MOVED IN HERE.
OH, SO THAT'S WHAT'S AILING YA, NOBODY'S BEEN COMIN' TO CALL.
WELL, NOW YOU GOTTA REMEMBER WHAT PEARL SAID, "THIS HERE IS BEVERLY HILLS WHERE THE MOVIE STARS LIVE.
" WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT? WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH BEING FRIENDLY? NOTHING I JOST THOUGHT IT MIGHT SIDETRACK YA.
WELL, IT DIDN'T.
MOVIE STARS ARE PEOPLE JUST LIKE US, AIN'T THEY? YES, 'CEPT THEY'S PRETTIER.
WOULDN'T IT BE WORTH WAITING FOR IF ONE OF THESE DAYS, THERE COME A KNOCK ON THE DOOR, AND WE GO TO ANSWER IT, AND WE OPEN UP THE DOOR AND STANDING THERE WOULD BE MARY PICKFORD.
MARY PICKFORD? YEAH, WITH HER GOLDEN CURLS HANGING DOWN HER BACK AND HER PRETTY LITTLE ROSEBUD MOUTH SAYING FRIENDLY THINGS LIKE, "HOWDY THERE.
I'M MARY PICKFORD.
" WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THAT? I'D SAY WHO'S MARY PICKFORD? THAT'S WHAT I'D SAY.
GRANNY, SHE'S AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.
DO YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE HOUSE WHERE PEARL PLAYS PIANIE ON SATURDAY NIGHTS? I HEARD OF IT.
WELL, SHE SAYS LITTLE OL' MARY IS EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE.
WELL, TELL ME THIS.
IF MARY PICKFORD MOVED IN THAT LITTLE CABIN DOWN THE CRICK FROM US BACK HOME, WHAT WOULD WE DO? OH, WE WOULD'VE GONE A CALLIN' AND BROUGHT HER OVER A MESS OF PONE AND SKINNED POSSUM.
YEAH, AND HAS MARY PICKFORD BROUGHT US A MESS A PONE AND SKINNED POSSUM? NO, SHE AIN'T.
YOU GOTTA REMEMBER GRANNY SHE PROBABLY SPENDS FOUR OR FIVE HOURS A DAY JUST FOOLING WITH AND COMBING THAT BEAUTIFUL CURL THAT HANGS CLEAR DOWN TO HER UNCLE JED? WELL, HELLO JETHRO, WHAT'D YA GET THIS TIME? I GOT ARRESTED.
YEAH, POLICEMAN, HE TOOK MY GUN AWAY.
HE SAID THEY DON'T ALLOW HUNTIN' IN BEVERLY HILLS.
THAT DOES IT.
THAT DOES IT.
THEN HE POINTED TO OLD DUKE HERE AND HE SAID, "HAS THAT DOG HAD HIS RABIES SHOT?" AND I SAID, "NO, SIR.
THAT DOG AIN'T HAD NOTHING SHOT, I'M CAREFUL WITH A GUN.
" WHAT DID HE SAY? HE SAID, "OH, A WISE GUY, HUH?" SO HE PUT DUKE AND ME IN HIS POLICE CAR, BUT WE JUMPED OUT AND RUN.
OH, IS MA AND JETHRENE HERE YET? NO, AND THEY AIN'T A COMINâ.
NOW, IF YOU WANNA SEE YOUR MA AND SIS, YOU PACK UP THAT TRUCK, AND YOU AND ME, WE'LL SKEDADDLE BACK HOME WHERE FOLKS IS FRIENDLY.
NOW, GRANNY.
DOGGONE, IF SHE AIN'T THE MULIEST LITTLE WOMAN.
GRANNY, NOW JUST A MINUTE.
NOW, GRANNY, WILL YOU JUST LET ME SAY ONE THING? WELL, YOU BE QUICK "CAUSE I GOTA LONG TRIP AHEAD OF ME.
GRANNY, I KNOW IT AIN'T BEEN EASY FOR YA OUT HERE.
NEW THINGS IS ALWAYS VEXING, ESPECIALLY AT YOUR AGE, BUT I'M BOUND AND DETERMINED TO KEEP THIS FAMILY TOGETHER.
AND IF YOU GO BACK TO THE HILLS, WE'S ALL GOING WITH YOU.
NOW, I'M ASKING YA PLEASE TO STAY, NOT FOR MY SAKE, BUT FOR ELLY MAY.
GRANNY, WHAT THIS PLACE HAS DONE FOR HER IS A PLAIN MIRACLE, WHY THAT WILD INJUN HAS BECOME A GRAND LADY.
I WISH YOU COULDA SEEN HER GO OUT THAT DOOR LOOKIN' LIKE A QUEEN IN A PICTURE BOOK.
I TELL YA, I JUST WANTED TO SIT DOWN AND BALL, THE WAY YOU DONE WHEN I MARRIED HER MA.
NOW, SHE'S JUST PA? SHE'S OUT THERE NOW.
NOW, NOW, JUST WAIT, GRANNY.
WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE.
IN HERE, ELLY MAY.
PA, YOU SURE WERE RIGHT.
OH, HI, GRANNY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR BOYS CLOTHES TO HAVE FUN WITH BOYS.
ELLY MAY, YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T WRESTLE.
I AIN'T BEEN WRESTLIN'.
THEN WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOIN' IN YOUR BALL GOWN? DOIN' WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO, PLAYIN' BALL.
OH, I MADE TWO TOUCHDOWNS AND KICKED THREE FIELD GOALS.
WELL, YOUR COUSIN CERTAINLY SEEMS ANXIOUS FOR YOU TO COME TO BEVERLY HILLS, MRS.
BODINE.
WILL YOU? MRS.
BODINE? YEAH.
WILL YOU? YEAH.
WILL I WHAT? GO TO BEVERLY HILLS TO VISIT YOUR COUSIN, MR.
CLAMPETT.
OH, WELL, NOT RIGHT NOW.
I'M AWFUL BUSY.
YOU SEE, I DO FANCY SEWIN' AND HAT MAKINâ, AND GIVE BEAUTY COURSES, AND PERSONALITY BUILDING AND MUSIC LESSONS.
THEN ON SATURDAY, I PLAY THE PIANO OVER THE MOVIE SHOW TO OXFORD AND THEN OF COURSE, THERE ARE MY YOUNG ONES, JETHRO AND JETHRENE.
OF COURSE, THEY'RE NO TROUBLE.
JETHRO'S IN CALIFORNIA AND JETHRENE SHE'S FIXIN' TO GET MARRIED.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
WHEN'S THE WEDDING? SOON AS SHE FINDS A FELLA.
I SEE.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY ARE A BUSY WOMAN, MRS.
BODINE.
YEAH.
AS COUSIN JED USED TO SAY, "PEARL," HE'D SAY, "THE FELLA THAT GETS YOU SURE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SUPPORTIN' YA".
AH, HA, HA, HA.
WELL, THIS IS THE PHONE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
IT'S CALLED A FIELD TELEPHONE.
NOW, WITH THIS I CAN COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN WORKING AT THE DRILLING SITE.
ANY YOUNG MEN DOWN THERE? OH, YEAH.
ANY UNMARRIED YOUNG MEN? I'M SURE THERE ARE.
ANY TALL, UNMARRIED YOUNG MEN? WELL, THEY'RE PROBABLY ALL SIZES.
YEAH, SUPPOSE IT GETS PERTTY LONESOME WORKIN' DOWN THERE.
IT'S VERY LIKELY.
THIS IS RATHER AN ISOLATED AREA.
UM-HUM.
ANY 'SPECIALLY TALL, âSPECIALLY LONESOME, UNMARRIED YOUNG ONES? I DON'T THINK I CAN CALL ANY BY NAME, NO.
UM-HUH.
WELL, I WAS JUST WONDERIN'.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM? COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE THE OIL DRILLERS ARE WORKING TODAY? WELL, NOW, WHAT HAVE WE HERE? REBECCA OF SUNNYBROOK FARM, AND PRETTY TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? I GOT SOMETHIN HERE JUST FOR YOU.
A GENUINE FRENCH GARTER IMPORTED ALL THE WAY FROM PARIS, FRANCE.
THEY USUALLY SELL FOR $90.
50, BUT HONEY, YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR A QUARTER.
LISTEN, HONEY, I'M GONNA BE AROUND A COUPLE OF DAYS.
YOU BUSY SATURDAY NIGHT? WELL, YOU ARE NOW, AND THERE'S A DANCE OVER IN HOOTERVILLE.
OOOWEEE, I BET YOU'RE AN ARMFUL OF MAMA.
I MEAN IT, HONEY.
I LIKE BIG GIRLS, YA JUST DO THINGS TO ME.
YOU CARRY ME AWAY.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? GRANNY! GRANNY! OH, THERE YA ARE.
ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I'M FIGURIN'.
AND I FIGURE BEST WHEN I'M FISHIN'.
AIN'T NO FISH IN THERE.
I AIN'T FISHIN' FOR FISH.
I'M FISHIN' FOR FIGURIN'.
OKAY.
WHAT KINDA FIGURIN' YA FISHIN' FOR? I'M FISHIN' TO FIGURE HOW I CAN GET HOME.
NOW, GRANNY, I'VE BEEN DOINâ SOME FIGURING TOO AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK I GOT IT FIGURED OUT HOW COME THE NEIGHBORS AIN'T COME TO VISIT US.
I'M LISTENINâ.
WELL, THE WAY I GOT IT FIGURED, OUT HERE IN BEVERLY HILLS INSTEAD OF THEM COMIN' TO SEE US, WE GO TO SEE THEM.
HOW COME? WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW COME.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I GOT IT FIGURED.
MIGHTY CONVENIENT FIGURIN'.
GRANNY, IT WOULDN'T DO NO HARM TO GIVE IT A TRY.
ALOT OF THINGS IS DIFFERENT OUT HERE.
WELL, I'LL FISH ON IT FER A SPELL.
I THINK I CAUGHT SOMETHINâ.
HE'S LIKE A WHALE.
WHO SAID THERE AIN'T FISH IN HERE? WELL, THAT THE PRETTIEST I EVER SEEN.
I GOTCHA, YOU RASCAL.
I'M GONNA THROW YOU RIGHT IN THE FRYING PAN.
THIS THING AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT SKIN.
THAT'S YOUR BEVERLY HILLS FOR YA, ALL FLASHY AND SHOW ON THE OUTSIDE AND NOTHING ON THE INSIDE WHERE IT COUNTS.
FISH AND PEOPLE IS TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
WE'RE GOIN' A CALLIN ON OUR NEIGHBORS AND THEN WE'LL DO OUR JUDGIN'.
WELL, LET'S SEE NOW, WHICH NEIGHBOR SHOULD WE CALL ON FIRST? MR.
DRYSDALE IS OFF IN BOSTON WITH HIS MISSES, SO LET'S GO THIS WAY.
IF YOU ASK ME, LET'S GO BACK THAT WAY.
NOW, GRANNY.
YOU PROMISED.
COME ON EVERYBODY, LET'S GO.
YOU RECKON THEY'LL GIVE US A MESS OF PONE OR SOMETHIN", PA? OR MAYBE SOME SALTED DOWN POSSUM.
THEY'LL PROBABLY THROW LYE ON US.
(DOORBELL) I'M NOT EXPECTING ANYONE, AGNES.
OH, IT'S PROBABLY JUST SOME CHILDREN PLAYING TRICK OR TREAT, MA'AM.
OH, YEAH.
HI, MA'AM, WE'S THE CLAMPETTS.
YOU GOT SOMETHIN' FOR US? JETHRO.
AREN'T YOU RATHER BIG FOR THIS? YES, MA'AM, WE ARE.
IN FACT, I DON'T SEE HOW ANYBODY GETS THROUGH THAT LITTLE DOOR.
JUST A MINUTE.
COME IN.
COME IN AND SET A SPELL AS YOU FOLKS SAY UP IN THE HILLS.
WELL, WE THANK YA.
WE GOT ALOT OF CALLS TO MAKE, BUT THIS HERE IS GRANNY.
HOWDY.
HELLO.
AND MY DAUGHTER ELLY.
OH.
MY NEPHEW JETHRO.
JETHRO.
AND I'M JED.
HELLO, JED.
I'M AGNES.
JUST CALL ME AGGIE.
MIGHTY NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE, AGGIE.
OH, SHUCKS, T'AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HEAP OF BRICKS, BUT WE CALL IT HOME.
WELL, SURE IS NICE TO HAVE MET UP WITH YA.
OH, NOW, WELL, WAIT, WAIT JUST A MINUTE, I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YA.
WAIT A SECOND.
HERE YA GO, GRANNY AND ELLY.
THAT'S FOR YOU, AND JETHRO, FOR YOU AND JED.
THERE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THAT'S MIGHTY NEIGHBORLY OF YA AND YOU MUST COME AND SEE US SOMETIME.
YEAH, WE'LL GO HUNTIN' TOGETHER.
HEY, AGGIE, DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY FOOTBALL? LOVE IT.
WELL, THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF FELLAS THAT PLAYS IN THE PASTURE DOWN THE WAY A PIECE, AND THE Y'D LIKE IT JUST FINE IF I COULD BRING SOME MORE GIRLS ALONG.
NOW, DON'T FORGET.
PLEASE, CAN WE GO OUT NOW? NOT YET CHILDREN, NOT 'TIL IT GETS DARK.
AIN'T THAT THE MOST PITIFUL THING.
HEART RENDERING, JUST HEART RENDERING.
NICE LOOKIN' WOMAN, FRIENDLY AS YOU PLEASE, BUT THEM YOUGINS IS THE HOMELIEST I EVER SEE.
NO WONDER SHE DIDN'T WANNA COME A CALLIN' ON US.
YEAH.
RECKON I'D STAY HOME TOO IF MY KIDS LOOKED LIKED THAT.
JED, I AIN'T NEVER GONNA SAY A BAD WORD ABOUT NOBODY.
I KNOW WHAT YA MEAN.
SEEMS EVERY HOUSE WE WENT TO THEY WAS NICE TO US, WASN'T THEY? SURE WAS, JED.
HEY, LISTEN EVERYBODY, IGOT A IDEA.
LET'S CALL UP COUSIN PEARL AND TELL HER TO COME ON OUT HERE.
UNCLE JED, YOU CAN'T CALL MA ON THE TELEPHONE.
WELL, MR.
DRYSDALE SAID WE CAN CALL ANYBODY WE HAD A MIND TO.
WELL, MA, SHE AIN'T GOT NO TELEPHONE AT HOME.
DON'T MATTER.
SHE AIN'T NEVER HOME NO HOW.
THE WAY I LOOK AT IT, YOU CAN'T NEVER TELL WHAT YOU CAN DO UNTIL YOU TRY.
DON'T FORGET TO SPIN THE WHEEL.
HOWDY, MA'AM.
I WANNA TALK TO PEARL BODINE BACK IN OXFORD.
THAT'S RIGHT, OPERATOR, J.
D.
CLAMPETT IN BEVERLY HILLS.
JED'S SURE GONNA BE SURPRISED TO HEAR ME TALKIN' AT HIM ON THIS THANG.
OH, THEY'RE READY TO MAKE THE CONNECTION.
HELLO? PEARL? YES.
1S THAT YOU JED? YOU BETCHA, IT T'IS.
HELLO, PEARL, YOU OL' RASCAL, WHATCHA DOIN' DOWN THERE? HI THERE, AUNT PEARL, THIS HERE'S ELLY.
JETHRO, TALK IN A MINUTE, BUT FIRST I WANNA SAY SOMETHIN".
YOU GOTTA COME OUT HERE TO BEVERLY HILLS AND BRING JETHRENE.
IF SHE CAN'T GET A HUSBAND OUT HERE, THERE AIN'T NO HOPE.
YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN SO MANY HOMELY YOUNGINS IN ALL YOUR BORN DAYS.
WELL NOWIT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN.
AND THEY WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOLKS FOR KINDLY DROPPIN' IN.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK NEXT WEEK TO THIS LOCALITY TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN' OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.
HILLBILLY THAT ?{S.
SETA SPELL.
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR.
THIS HAS BEEN A FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.
AND THEN ONE DAY HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD, AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.
OIL THAT IS, BLACK GOLD, TEXAS TEA.
WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE, THE KIN FOLKS SAID, "JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".
SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE", SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY, HILLS THAT IS, SWIMMING POOLS, MOVIE STARS.
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY AS THEY TAKE YOU TO THEIR MANSION IN THE HILLS OF BEVERLY AND WHEN THEY DO, YOU'LL RUN INTO A FRIEND OF THEIRS YOU'VE MET.
THAT GOOD OL' FRIEND WITH FILTERED BLEND WINSTON CIGARETTE.
WINSTON TASTES GOOD LIKE A CIGARETTE SHOULD.
PA? YEAH, ELLY.
ELLY MAY CLAMPETT.
WHY YOU IS THE PRETTIEST THING I AIN'T NEVER IN ALL MY BORN DAYS HOW DID AN OLD MOUNTAIN GOAT LIKE ME EVER GET A YOUNGIN' LIKE YOU'RE A QUEEN.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE IN THAT SHINY DRESS STANDING THERE, YOU'RE A QUEEN.
FEEL IT, PA.
IT'S SLICKER THAN A TOADS BELLY.
I'LL BE IT IF IT AIN'T.
WHAT KINDA DRESS THEY CALL THAT? WELL, THIS IS WHAT YA CALL A BALL GOWN.
A BALL GOWN? WELL, YOU'RE EVEN CATCHIN' ON TO WHAT THEY'S NAMED.
WELL, MISS HATHAWAY, SHE PINNED A PIECE OF PAPER ONTO EVER DRESS SHE GOT ME, A TELLIN' WHAT IT WAS FOR.
YOU BETTER TOTE ALONG THE SHOTGUN TO KEEP THE FELLAS AWAY.
AH, NO, PA.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOIN' OUT FOR TO MEET SOME FELLAS.
HALLELUJAH.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT SOMETHIN' I BEEN SAYIN' IS THE TRUTH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRESS UP IN BOYS CLOTHES TO HAVE FUN WITH BOYS.
I'M GONNA KEEP MY PROMISE, PA.
I AIN'T GONNA WEAR NOTHING, BUT DRESSES FOR THREE WHOLE DAYS.
AND I'M GONNA KEEP MY PROMISE TOO.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE JUST AS MUCH FUN AS YOU DID CLIMBING TREES AND WRESTLING, YOU CAN GO BACK TO WEARING YOUR PANTS AND SHIRT.
GOODBYE, PA.
WHATCHA DOINâ, KILLIN' ANTS? GRANNY, THIS PLACE AIN'T GOT NO ANTS.
MLL TELL YOU SOMETHIN" ELSE IT AIN'T GOT.
THAT'S ME.
I'M GONNA PACK UP AND GO HOME.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD ON THERE.
THIS IS HOME.
NOT TO ME IT AIN'T, AND FOR MY PART THEY CAN GIVE BEVERLY HILLS BACK TO THE INDIANS OR WHOEVER ELSE WAS FOOL ENOUGH TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
COME ON LET'S GO IN HERE AND SIT DOWN AND WE'LL TALK THIS WHOLE THING OVER.
YOU JUST GOT YOUR BACK UP âCAUSE THE POLICE MADE US GET RID OF ALL OUR COWS, AND PIGS, AND CHICKENS AND STUFF.
WELL, THAT DIDN'T HELP NONE, BUT IF THEY DON'T ALLOW FOLKS TO HAVE STOCK WHY THEY GOT THAT ALL FIRED FANCY STOCK PEN DOWN THERE? WELL, GRANNY IT TURNED OUT THAT, THAT THERE WAS SOMETHIN' CALLED A TENNIS COURT.
WHAT IN TARNATION IS A TENNIS? I DON'T KNOW, BUT ONE THESE DAYS, WE'LL GET US A PAIR OF 'EM AND GO TO RAISIN THEM OUT THERE.
WELL, YOU GO TO RAISIN' THEM.
I'M GOING BACK HOME WHERE I CAN GET SOME GOOD THINGS IN LIFE LIKE HOG JOWLS AND POSSUM SHANK.
NOW, HOLD ON GRANNY.
JETHRO'S OUT HUNTIN' POSSUMS RIGHT NOW.
WELL, HE WON'T FIND NONE.
I BEEN ALL OVER THESE BEVERLY HILLS, AND I TELL YOU IT AIN'T EASY CLIMBING FENCES, AND WALLS AND JUMPIN' OVER HEDGES TO GET AROUND THOSE CEMENT PONDS WHERE THERE ARE A LOT OF HALF NAKED WOMEN LAYIN' THERE SMEARING THEMSELVES WITH OIL AND YELLIN' AT YOU TO, "GET OUT, GET OUT!" I TELL YOU, JED, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF THE LAZIEST, GREASIEST, UNFRIENDLIEST MESS OF PEOPLE I EVER DID LAY MY EYES ON.
HERE, HERE'S JETHRO.
HI, BOY.
WHAT DID YA GET? I GOT CHASED BY A FELLA WITH A CLUB.
THERE YOU HERE THAT, JED? IT'S THOSE BEVERLY HILLBULLIES PICKING ON A LITTLE BOY LIKE JETHRO.
COME ON JETHRO, LOAD UP THE TRUCK AND LET'S HEAD FOR HOME.
NOW, HOLD ON.
I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S AILING YOU TWO.
YOU'RE JUST PLAIN OL' HOMESICK.
WELL, I'M SICK OF THIS HOME I CAN TELL YOU THAT.
THERE NOW, I GOT A SURPRISE I BEEN A KINDA SAVIN'.
I RECKON NOW IS AS GOOD TIME AS ANY TO LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG.
WE NEED PIGS, AND CHICKENS AND HE GETS US A CAT.
NOW, THAT AIN'T THE SURPRISE, GRANNY.
THE SURPRISE IS PEARL'S COMIN' OUT HERE.
MA'S COMIN' OUT HERE? YEAH, AND SHE'S BRINGING YOUR SISTER JETHRENE.
HOT DIGGITY DOG.
YEAH, I WROTE HER A LETTER.
AND I SAID, "PEARL," I SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT HERE AND BRING JETHRENE? WE GOTTA LOTS OF ROOM AND PLENTY TO EAT AND WE SURE ISA HANKERIN' TO SEE YA.
" OH, BOY, I GOTTA GET US SOME POSSUM NOW "CAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING MA AND JETHRENE LIKES IT'S GRITS AND POSSUM SHANKS.
YOU DON'T LOOK PARTICULAR CHEERED UP, GRANNY.
JED, YOU MIGHT FOOL THAT BOY WITH A STORY LIKE THAT, BUT NOT ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SINCE WHEN CAN YOU WRITE LETTERS? WELL, NOW WAIT GRANNY.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
GRANNY, I DIDN'T WRITE THAT LETTER BY HAND.
HELD THE PENCIL BETWIXT YOUR TOES, DID YA? NO, I WROTE IT BY A NEW WAY THE BANKER'S SECRETARY SHOWED ME.
IT'S CALLED DICTATATION.
WHAT'S DICTATATION? OH, IT'S WONDERFUL, GRANNY.
YOU JUST TALK AND SHE WRITES IT DOWN.
SHE SURE MUST WRITE FAST.
YEAH, AND WITH A BAD HAND TOO.
SHE'S GOT A BAD HAND? IT'S THIS ONE.
SHE CALLS HER SHORTHAND.
I DON'T CARE HOW MANY LETTERS YOU DICTATATE JED.
PEARL AIN'T A COMIN' OUT HERE, LEASTWISE NOT RIGHT NOW.
WELL, SURE SHE IS GRANNY.
SHE'S LOOKIN' TO FIND A HUSBAND FOR JETHRENE.
PLL TELL YOU WHO PEARL IS A LOOKIN' TO GET A HUSBAND FOR, PEARL.
AND I THINK SHE'S GOT HER CAP SET FOR THAT OIL MAN THAT BOUGHT YOUR SWAMP.
MR.
BREWSTER? WHY HE LIVES CLEAN OVER TO TULSA.
YEAH, BUT PUMPIN' OIL BRINGS HIM OVER TO YOUR PLACE, AND I'LL BET YOU PIGS TO POLECATS THAT WHEN HE SHOWS UP PEARL AIN'T FER BEHIND.
THERE HE IS.
HOLD ON, JETHRENE.
WHY, MR.
BREWSTER OF ALL PEOPLE FANCY MEETIN' YOU HERE.
SMALL WORLD, AIN'T IT? YES, IT CERTAINLY IS.
OH, THIS HERE'S MY DAUGHTER JETHRENE.
THIS IS MR.
BREWSTER, DEAR.
I'M PLEASED TO MEET YOU YOUNG LADY.
HI.
MAY I GIVE YOU A HAND, MRS.
BODINE? OH, THANK YOU, STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.
CAREFUL NOW.
THERE WE ARE.
WELL, I SEE YOU GIRLS ARE ON YOUR WAY TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY.
WHAT KINDA PARTY? HALLOWEEN.
WHAT'S A HALLOWEEN? UM, YOU DON'T CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN HERE IN THE HILLS? WELL, I NEVER HEARD OF IT.
WHAT'S IT LIKE? WELL, IT'S AN OCCASION WHERE EVERYONE GETS DRESSED UP IN THEIR MOST BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES.
OH, THESE OLD THINGS, THEY'RE JUST SOMETHIN' I THREW TOGETHER MYSELF.
WELL, THEY LOOK LIKE THEY CAME FROM SAKS.
WELL, THEY DIDN'T.
I MADE THEM WITH STORE BOUGHT YARD GOODS.
DIDN'T I, JETHRENE? YES, 'EM.
WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU GIRLS HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL INDIAN SUMMER DAY? FOLLOWIN' YOU.
WE WAS HEADED THIS WAY ANYWAY.
I PROMISED TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE OLD HOME PLACE FOR COUSIN JED 'MEMBER.
OH, I HOPE HE WON'T MIND THAT I HAD A TELEPHONE PUT IN THE CABIN.
YOU SEE WE'RE USING IT AS A SORT OF A FIELD OFFICE.
OH, HE WON'T MIND SPECIALLY IF YOU WOULD SHOW IT TO ME AND I COULD SEE FOR MYSELF THAT THERE WAS NO DAMAGE DONE TO THE CABIN.
WELL, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, COME ALONG.
STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.
WELL, PERHAPS, SHE'D LIKE TO STRETCH HER LEGS.
THEY'RE LONG ENOUGH NOW.
JETHRENE'S AWFUL TALL FOR HER AGE.
SHE TAKES AFTER HER FATHER, HER LATE FATHER THAT IS.
I'M A WIDOW.
YES, I BELIEVE YOU TOLD ME.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT THAT'S WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU WAS A WIDOWER.
YES.
YOU STILL ARE, I SUPPOSE.
A WIDOWER? UM-HUM.
OH, YES.
STAY IN THE BUGGY DEAR.
I'M GOIN' BACK WHERE I SHOULD'VE STAYED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
NOW, GRANNY, BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHIN' YOU'RE LIABLE TO BE SORRY FER, YOU BETTER TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AROUND AND SEE ALL THE NICE THINGS WE GOT HERE THAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BACK HOME.
LIKE WHAT? WELL, LIKE THIS GREAT BIG COOKIN' ROOM FOR ONE THING.
WHY YOU COULD TAKE OUR WHOLE CABIN AND PUT IT RIGHT IN THIS ONE ROOM.
WELL, IF YOU DID THAT, I MIGHT STAY.
WHAT ABOUT THEM BIG ICE BOXES? AIN'T GOT NOTHING LIKE THEM BACK HOME.
DIDN'T NEED 'EM.
GOT NIPPY IN THE FALL LIKE THE GOOD LORD INTENDED IT TO.
THIS CRAZY CALIFORNY STAYS WARM ALL YEAR ROUND.
THAT'S AWFUL GOOD FOR GROWIN' THINGS.
LOOK AT THAT FRUIT THERE, DID YOU EVER IN YOUR WHOLE BORN DAYS EVER SEE ANYTHING AS PRETTY AS THAT FRUIT? DON'T SPOIL NEITHER.
DON'T TASTE NEITHER.
OH, NOW.
JETHRO ATE A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM GRAPES, TWO APPLES, A PEAR AND A WHOLE HANDFUL OF STRAWBERRIES, AND HE SAID THERE WASN'T ONE BIT OF JUICE IN THE WHOLE KIT'N'KABOODLE OF 'EM.
HE SAID IT WAS DRY AS WAX.
IS A MIGHT DRY AND GUMMY.
MAYBE YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT THIS FRUIT.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS MISERABLE PLACE YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO DO NOTHIN'.
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE COWS OR PIGS OR CHICKENS.
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO FIRE UP THE STILL AND MAKE A LITTLE MOONSHINE WHISKEY.
ANSWER ME, WHAT CAN YOU DO IN THIS BEVERLY HILLS? WELL, YOU CAN DO LOTS OF THINGS GRANNY, THINGS YOU COULDN'T DO BACK HOME.
NAME ONE.
WELL, UH.
, YOU CAN CALL UP YOUR FRIENDS ON THE TELEPHONE.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT? "CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT NO FRIENDS THAT'S WHY NOT.
THERE AIN'T BEEN ONE NEIGHBOR COME A CALLIN' ON US SINCE WE MOVED IN HERE.
OH, SO THAT'S WHAT'S AILING YA, NOBODY'S BEEN COMIN' TO CALL.
WELL, NOW YOU GOTTA REMEMBER WHAT PEARL SAID, "THIS HERE IS BEVERLY HILLS WHERE THE MOVIE STARS LIVE.
" WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT? WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH BEING FRIENDLY? NOTHING I JOST THOUGHT IT MIGHT SIDETRACK YA.
WELL, IT DIDN'T.
MOVIE STARS ARE PEOPLE JUST LIKE US, AIN'T THEY? YES, 'CEPT THEY'S PRETTIER.
WOULDN'T IT BE WORTH WAITING FOR IF ONE OF THESE DAYS, THERE COME A KNOCK ON THE DOOR, AND WE GO TO ANSWER IT, AND WE OPEN UP THE DOOR AND STANDING THERE WOULD BE MARY PICKFORD.
MARY PICKFORD? YEAH, WITH HER GOLDEN CURLS HANGING DOWN HER BACK AND HER PRETTY LITTLE ROSEBUD MOUTH SAYING FRIENDLY THINGS LIKE, "HOWDY THERE.
I'M MARY PICKFORD.
" WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THAT? I'D SAY WHO'S MARY PICKFORD? THAT'S WHAT I'D SAY.
GRANNY, SHE'S AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.
DO YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE HOUSE WHERE PEARL PLAYS PIANIE ON SATURDAY NIGHTS? I HEARD OF IT.
WELL, SHE SAYS LITTLE OL' MARY IS EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE.
WELL, TELL ME THIS.
IF MARY PICKFORD MOVED IN THAT LITTLE CABIN DOWN THE CRICK FROM US BACK HOME, WHAT WOULD WE DO? OH, WE WOULD'VE GONE A CALLIN' AND BROUGHT HER OVER A MESS OF PONE AND SKINNED POSSUM.
YEAH, AND HAS MARY PICKFORD BROUGHT US A MESS A PONE AND SKINNED POSSUM? NO, SHE AIN'T.
YOU GOTTA REMEMBER GRANNY SHE PROBABLY SPENDS FOUR OR FIVE HOURS A DAY JUST FOOLING WITH AND COMBING THAT BEAUTIFUL CURL THAT HANGS CLEAR DOWN TO HER UNCLE JED? WELL, HELLO JETHRO, WHAT'D YA GET THIS TIME? I GOT ARRESTED.
YEAH, POLICEMAN, HE TOOK MY GUN AWAY.
HE SAID THEY DON'T ALLOW HUNTIN' IN BEVERLY HILLS.
THAT DOES IT.
THAT DOES IT.
THEN HE POINTED TO OLD DUKE HERE AND HE SAID, "HAS THAT DOG HAD HIS RABIES SHOT?" AND I SAID, "NO, SIR.
THAT DOG AIN'T HAD NOTHING SHOT, I'M CAREFUL WITH A GUN.
" WHAT DID HE SAY? HE SAID, "OH, A WISE GUY, HUH?" SO HE PUT DUKE AND ME IN HIS POLICE CAR, BUT WE JUMPED OUT AND RUN.
OH, IS MA AND JETHRENE HERE YET? NO, AND THEY AIN'T A COMINâ.
NOW, IF YOU WANNA SEE YOUR MA AND SIS, YOU PACK UP THAT TRUCK, AND YOU AND ME, WE'LL SKEDADDLE BACK HOME WHERE FOLKS IS FRIENDLY.
NOW, GRANNY.
DOGGONE, IF SHE AIN'T THE MULIEST LITTLE WOMAN.
GRANNY, NOW JUST A MINUTE.
NOW, GRANNY, WILL YOU JUST LET ME SAY ONE THING? WELL, YOU BE QUICK "CAUSE I GOTA LONG TRIP AHEAD OF ME.
GRANNY, I KNOW IT AIN'T BEEN EASY FOR YA OUT HERE.
NEW THINGS IS ALWAYS VEXING, ESPECIALLY AT YOUR AGE, BUT I'M BOUND AND DETERMINED TO KEEP THIS FAMILY TOGETHER.
AND IF YOU GO BACK TO THE HILLS, WE'S ALL GOING WITH YOU.
NOW, I'M ASKING YA PLEASE TO STAY, NOT FOR MY SAKE, BUT FOR ELLY MAY.
GRANNY, WHAT THIS PLACE HAS DONE FOR HER IS A PLAIN MIRACLE, WHY THAT WILD INJUN HAS BECOME A GRAND LADY.
I WISH YOU COULDA SEEN HER GO OUT THAT DOOR LOOKIN' LIKE A QUEEN IN A PICTURE BOOK.
I TELL YA, I JUST WANTED TO SIT DOWN AND BALL, THE WAY YOU DONE WHEN I MARRIED HER MA.
NOW, SHE'S JUST PA? SHE'S OUT THERE NOW.
NOW, NOW, JUST WAIT, GRANNY.
WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE.
IN HERE, ELLY MAY.
PA, YOU SURE WERE RIGHT.
OH, HI, GRANNY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR BOYS CLOTHES TO HAVE FUN WITH BOYS.
ELLY MAY, YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T WRESTLE.
I AIN'T BEEN WRESTLIN'.
THEN WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOIN' IN YOUR BALL GOWN? DOIN' WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO, PLAYIN' BALL.
OH, I MADE TWO TOUCHDOWNS AND KICKED THREE FIELD GOALS.
WELL, YOUR COUSIN CERTAINLY SEEMS ANXIOUS FOR YOU TO COME TO BEVERLY HILLS, MRS.
BODINE.
WILL YOU? MRS.
BODINE? YEAH.
WILL YOU? YEAH.
WILL I WHAT? GO TO BEVERLY HILLS TO VISIT YOUR COUSIN, MR.
CLAMPETT.
OH, WELL, NOT RIGHT NOW.
I'M AWFUL BUSY.
YOU SEE, I DO FANCY SEWIN' AND HAT MAKINâ, AND GIVE BEAUTY COURSES, AND PERSONALITY BUILDING AND MUSIC LESSONS.
THEN ON SATURDAY, I PLAY THE PIANO OVER THE MOVIE SHOW TO OXFORD AND THEN OF COURSE, THERE ARE MY YOUNG ONES, JETHRO AND JETHRENE.
OF COURSE, THEY'RE NO TROUBLE.
JETHRO'S IN CALIFORNIA AND JETHRENE SHE'S FIXIN' TO GET MARRIED.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
WHEN'S THE WEDDING? SOON AS SHE FINDS A FELLA.
I SEE.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY ARE A BUSY WOMAN, MRS.
BODINE.
YEAH.
AS COUSIN JED USED TO SAY, "PEARL," HE'D SAY, "THE FELLA THAT GETS YOU SURE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SUPPORTIN' YA".
AH, HA, HA, HA.
WELL, THIS IS THE PHONE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
IT'S CALLED A FIELD TELEPHONE.
NOW, WITH THIS I CAN COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN WORKING AT THE DRILLING SITE.
ANY YOUNG MEN DOWN THERE? OH, YEAH.
ANY UNMARRIED YOUNG MEN? I'M SURE THERE ARE.
ANY TALL, UNMARRIED YOUNG MEN? WELL, THEY'RE PROBABLY ALL SIZES.
YEAH, SUPPOSE IT GETS PERTTY LONESOME WORKIN' DOWN THERE.
IT'S VERY LIKELY.
THIS IS RATHER AN ISOLATED AREA.
UM-HUM.
ANY 'SPECIALLY TALL, âSPECIALLY LONESOME, UNMARRIED YOUNG ONES? I DON'T THINK I CAN CALL ANY BY NAME, NO.
UM-HUH.
WELL, I WAS JUST WONDERIN'.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM? COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE THE OIL DRILLERS ARE WORKING TODAY? WELL, NOW, WHAT HAVE WE HERE? REBECCA OF SUNNYBROOK FARM, AND PRETTY TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? I GOT SOMETHIN HERE JUST FOR YOU.
A GENUINE FRENCH GARTER IMPORTED ALL THE WAY FROM PARIS, FRANCE.
THEY USUALLY SELL FOR $90.
50, BUT HONEY, YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR A QUARTER.
LISTEN, HONEY, I'M GONNA BE AROUND A COUPLE OF DAYS.
YOU BUSY SATURDAY NIGHT? WELL, YOU ARE NOW, AND THERE'S A DANCE OVER IN HOOTERVILLE.
OOOWEEE, I BET YOU'RE AN ARMFUL OF MAMA.
I MEAN IT, HONEY.
I LIKE BIG GIRLS, YA JUST DO THINGS TO ME.
YOU CARRY ME AWAY.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? GRANNY! GRANNY! OH, THERE YA ARE.
ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I'M FIGURIN'.
AND I FIGURE BEST WHEN I'M FISHIN'.
AIN'T NO FISH IN THERE.
I AIN'T FISHIN' FOR FISH.
I'M FISHIN' FOR FIGURIN'.
OKAY.
WHAT KINDA FIGURIN' YA FISHIN' FOR? I'M FISHIN' TO FIGURE HOW I CAN GET HOME.
NOW, GRANNY, I'VE BEEN DOINâ SOME FIGURING TOO AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK I GOT IT FIGURED OUT HOW COME THE NEIGHBORS AIN'T COME TO VISIT US.
I'M LISTENINâ.
WELL, THE WAY I GOT IT FIGURED, OUT HERE IN BEVERLY HILLS INSTEAD OF THEM COMIN' TO SEE US, WE GO TO SEE THEM.
HOW COME? WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW COME.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I GOT IT FIGURED.
MIGHTY CONVENIENT FIGURIN'.
GRANNY, IT WOULDN'T DO NO HARM TO GIVE IT A TRY.
ALOT OF THINGS IS DIFFERENT OUT HERE.
WELL, I'LL FISH ON IT FER A SPELL.
I THINK I CAUGHT SOMETHINâ.
HE'S LIKE A WHALE.
WHO SAID THERE AIN'T FISH IN HERE? WELL, THAT THE PRETTIEST I EVER SEEN.
I GOTCHA, YOU RASCAL.
I'M GONNA THROW YOU RIGHT IN THE FRYING PAN.
THIS THING AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT SKIN.
THAT'S YOUR BEVERLY HILLS FOR YA, ALL FLASHY AND SHOW ON THE OUTSIDE AND NOTHING ON THE INSIDE WHERE IT COUNTS.
FISH AND PEOPLE IS TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
WE'RE GOIN' A CALLIN ON OUR NEIGHBORS AND THEN WE'LL DO OUR JUDGIN'.
WELL, LET'S SEE NOW, WHICH NEIGHBOR SHOULD WE CALL ON FIRST? MR.
DRYSDALE IS OFF IN BOSTON WITH HIS MISSES, SO LET'S GO THIS WAY.
IF YOU ASK ME, LET'S GO BACK THAT WAY.
NOW, GRANNY.
YOU PROMISED.
COME ON EVERYBODY, LET'S GO.
YOU RECKON THEY'LL GIVE US A MESS OF PONE OR SOMETHIN", PA? OR MAYBE SOME SALTED DOWN POSSUM.
THEY'LL PROBABLY THROW LYE ON US.
(DOORBELL) I'M NOT EXPECTING ANYONE, AGNES.
OH, IT'S PROBABLY JUST SOME CHILDREN PLAYING TRICK OR TREAT, MA'AM.
OH, YEAH.
HI, MA'AM, WE'S THE CLAMPETTS.
YOU GOT SOMETHIN' FOR US? JETHRO.
AREN'T YOU RATHER BIG FOR THIS? YES, MA'AM, WE ARE.
IN FACT, I DON'T SEE HOW ANYBODY GETS THROUGH THAT LITTLE DOOR.
JUST A MINUTE.
COME IN.
COME IN AND SET A SPELL AS YOU FOLKS SAY UP IN THE HILLS.
WELL, WE THANK YA.
WE GOT ALOT OF CALLS TO MAKE, BUT THIS HERE IS GRANNY.
HOWDY.
HELLO.
AND MY DAUGHTER ELLY.
OH.
MY NEPHEW JETHRO.
JETHRO.
AND I'M JED.
HELLO, JED.
I'M AGNES.
JUST CALL ME AGGIE.
MIGHTY NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE, AGGIE.
OH, SHUCKS, T'AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HEAP OF BRICKS, BUT WE CALL IT HOME.
WELL, SURE IS NICE TO HAVE MET UP WITH YA.
OH, NOW, WELL, WAIT, WAIT JUST A MINUTE, I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YA.
WAIT A SECOND.
HERE YA GO, GRANNY AND ELLY.
THAT'S FOR YOU, AND JETHRO, FOR YOU AND JED.
THERE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THAT'S MIGHTY NEIGHBORLY OF YA AND YOU MUST COME AND SEE US SOMETIME.
YEAH, WE'LL GO HUNTIN' TOGETHER.
HEY, AGGIE, DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY FOOTBALL? LOVE IT.
WELL, THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF FELLAS THAT PLAYS IN THE PASTURE DOWN THE WAY A PIECE, AND THE Y'D LIKE IT JUST FINE IF I COULD BRING SOME MORE GIRLS ALONG.
NOW, DON'T FORGET.
PLEASE, CAN WE GO OUT NOW? NOT YET CHILDREN, NOT 'TIL IT GETS DARK.
AIN'T THAT THE MOST PITIFUL THING.
HEART RENDERING, JUST HEART RENDERING.
NICE LOOKIN' WOMAN, FRIENDLY AS YOU PLEASE, BUT THEM YOUGINS IS THE HOMELIEST I EVER SEE.
NO WONDER SHE DIDN'T WANNA COME A CALLIN' ON US.
YEAH.
RECKON I'D STAY HOME TOO IF MY KIDS LOOKED LIKED THAT.
JED, I AIN'T NEVER GONNA SAY A BAD WORD ABOUT NOBODY.
I KNOW WHAT YA MEAN.
SEEMS EVERY HOUSE WE WENT TO THEY WAS NICE TO US, WASN'T THEY? SURE WAS, JED.
HEY, LISTEN EVERYBODY, IGOT A IDEA.
LET'S CALL UP COUSIN PEARL AND TELL HER TO COME ON OUT HERE.
UNCLE JED, YOU CAN'T CALL MA ON THE TELEPHONE.
WELL, MR.
DRYSDALE SAID WE CAN CALL ANYBODY WE HAD A MIND TO.
WELL, MA, SHE AIN'T GOT NO TELEPHONE AT HOME.
DON'T MATTER.
SHE AIN'T NEVER HOME NO HOW.
THE WAY I LOOK AT IT, YOU CAN'T NEVER TELL WHAT YOU CAN DO UNTIL YOU TRY.
DON'T FORGET TO SPIN THE WHEEL.
HOWDY, MA'AM.
I WANNA TALK TO PEARL BODINE BACK IN OXFORD.
THAT'S RIGHT, OPERATOR, J.
D.
CLAMPETT IN BEVERLY HILLS.
JED'S SURE GONNA BE SURPRISED TO HEAR ME TALKIN' AT HIM ON THIS THANG.
OH, THEY'RE READY TO MAKE THE CONNECTION.
HELLO? PEARL? YES.
1S THAT YOU JED? YOU BETCHA, IT T'IS.
HELLO, PEARL, YOU OL' RASCAL, WHATCHA DOIN' DOWN THERE? HI THERE, AUNT PEARL, THIS HERE'S ELLY.
JETHRO, TALK IN A MINUTE, BUT FIRST I WANNA SAY SOMETHIN".
YOU GOTTA COME OUT HERE TO BEVERLY HILLS AND BRING JETHRENE.
IF SHE CAN'T GET A HUSBAND OUT HERE, THERE AIN'T NO HOPE.
YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN SO MANY HOMELY YOUNGINS IN ALL YOUR BORN DAYS.
WELL NOWIT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN.
AND THEY WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOLKS FOR KINDLY DROPPIN' IN.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK NEXT WEEK TO THIS LOCALITY TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN' OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.
HILLBILLY THAT ?{S.
SETA SPELL.
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR.
THIS HAS BEEN A FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.