The Big C (2010) s02e06 Episode Script
The Little c
Previously on The Big C I still think it's better if we go slow.
Okay? What the fuck were you thinking? She's a hooker.
Since you're up.
Oh, I love it! Now I gotta worry about finding a job and getting insurance again.
I work here now.
I'm gonna keep looking for something good.
But until that happens I think it's awesome.
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life You're good.
I'm Mrs.
Jamison, by the way.
Yeah, I know.
Everybody knows.
I'm Greta.
Well Thanks for kicking my butt, Greta.
It's been a while since I worked up a sweat in a pool.
I'm on the swim team.
I practice a lot.
Beats sitting on my butt, waiting around for the new coach.
What happened to Mr.
Gibson? He quit 'cause his wife's job got relocated to Des Moines.
We're totally screwed.
Probably wasting my time trying to keep up with practice.
Team's going to majorly suck by the time they get somebody.
It's very kind of you to offer, but we'll find somebody.
I'm not offering.
I'm applying.
Coaching the swim team is a tough job.
Getting up for practice at dawn, freezing your ass off.
Traveling to those out of town meets.
Are you sure you can handle that With everything you've got going on? Oh, I can handle it.
I was captain of the swim team in high school.
I even got a nickname.
"The Tolke Torpedo.
" I was kind of a big deal.
Kathy, we've been state champs for the past two years.
There'd be an awful lot of high expectations put on you.
Keep looking for another coach if you think you can find one.
Until then, let me get them back in the race.
If you need my resume, here it is: I swam for the University of Minnesota for four years.
I had the team's best time in the 400 I.
M.
And I throw a kick-ass victory party.
Well, we'll give it a shot.
Great! I don't get this.
I don't know why I banished my old swimsuits to the basement.
Mom, you're the coach.
Okay, no one wants to see you in a bikini.
You never know when I might have to get in the water.
It wouldn't hurt to have a few extra swimsuit options.
I cannot wait till I can wear a bikini again.
I want to go to Cabo after the baby's born.
You're not going anywhere after the baby's born.
You're barely going to sleep.
Oh, my God, you have to add this one to your coach wardrobe.
It's cute, but in that bad-ass mofo kind of way.
Thank you, Mia.
- Nice medals, mom.
- Yeah.
It's so cool that you were a jock.
Hey, why aren't you on the swim team? You would look cute in a speedo.
They are totally doing it.
Look at them.
Smell them.
They even smell like teen sex.
That is gross.
And I would know if something was going on.
Mia and I have actually become pretty close, and I'm not picking up on the sex vibe from either of them.
Thank God.
My intuition begs to differ.
Mom's have instincts about these things.
You're not a mother yet.
When your baby is outside of your body, then you can come talk to me.
Hey! - That's a nice color on you.
- Thanks.
Maybe I should have changed jobs sooner.
Thank you for the snack, Cathy.
Bye-bye, guys.
- See ya.
- Bye.
They're are doing it every day.
Jeez, dad, can't you just change before you leave work or something, before the entire world sees you dressed like that? Hey! Your father works incredibly hard.
Maybe even as hard as you're working that attitude.
Grow up! That's great.
Just when this crappy job couldn't get any worse, now my son is ashamed of me.
Ha-ha.
What are those bathing suits for? I'm coaching the swim team.
Coaching? Seriously? That's crazy.
Honey, you need to conserve your strength.
I want to use my strength to do things that make me happy.
Like swimming.
And besides, this job pays an extra $5,000.
Wow! That's like two scans and a Mountain Dew in the waiting room.
What is this? This is where our little bundle of joy, slash anxiety, is going to come into the world.
I'm just uhchecking for leaks.
I thought we agreed I was giving birth in a hospital.
A hospital yes.
Trapped on a gurney, and whacked out on painkillers, no.
I checked, and we're allowed to bring in our own birthing pool.
Tell me you're not serious.
Let's, uh Let's give it a try, okay? Now? Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Water's nice.
Come on in.
You're crazy.
Whoa! See, doesn't that feel nice? Just the way nature intended.
Are you going to get in the pool with me? Sure, if you need me to.
Might even bring my swim noodle.
Everything looks better in 3-D, you know.
It's like music, sports.
Uh! Now that Lord of the Dance has been released in 3-D, tap dancing, seriously.
I have seen it.
It is awesome.
It's like, it's like you're getting an Irish lap dance or something.
It's unbelievable.
Thanks.
We're gonna shop around.
Oh.
All right, man.
Thanks for coming in.
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, hey Owen.
How you doin'? Don't beat yourself up about losing that sale.
They were tough.
You'll get the hang of it When you've been here a little while.
Just finding my sea legs, boss.
That's cool.
Mikhail, what's up? Mykailo.
- Owen? - What do you need, dude? I wanted to see if I could switch this Saturday's shift for something during the week.
Dude, I spent, like, hours doing the schedule.
You start pulling threads, it's gonna totally screw us up.
Okay, okay.
I'll be here.
He's a big pain in the ass for such a little turd, isn't he? Yeah, could be worse though.
I could be home in Ukraine.
Huh.
It's that bad in the Ukraine? Ah, Ukraine is fine.
I miss my family but opportunity-wise, America kicks ass.
Right on.
Most people, working in shipping and receiving, they're bitching 24-7.
I think the fact that you see it as an opportunity, that is awesome, fella.
Yeah, an opportunity to get the fuck out of shipping and receiving.
Wow! Girls, gather round.
First off I just want to say how excited I am about this year.
And I've made some preliminary assignments based on your times from last year.
Pass these around.
Soeverybody in the pool.
If you can walk and talk at the same time when you're done, you are not working hard enough.
So give me six 100s.
Come on, stretch it out, stretch it out.
Keep you elbows up, Greta.
And relax your hands.
Keep your elbows up, honey.
You're doing great.
You must be Greta's dad.
Les Johnson.
Nice to meet you.
You know, it's great that you're supporting your daughter, but being her coach is kind of my job.
Sorry, coach, didn't mean to helicopter.
Just here to help.
I know.
Me too.
The crazy thing is too much help can feel a lot like - too much pressure.
- Greta can handle it.
By the way, the old coach used to have them warm up with drills.
Keeps their technique sharp for the whole workout.
I know what I'm doing.
Guess we'll find out.
Maybe it would be best if you wait in the parking lot.
Excuse me? Actually, if all the parents could please wait for your kids in your cars.
Don't worry.
I have things covered here.
Thanks.
Oh, hey.
I need a favor.
I can't tell whether these meds I'm on are working or making me crazier than a shithouse rat.
Why? What's going on? Well, I keep having these thoughts, and I just need to say them out loud to somebody rational.
What are you Are you rubbing your vagina on the coffee table? No.
Jeez, Sean.
What do you want? This whole childbirth thing is really doing a number on my psyche.
I saw a raccoon family drinking out of our birthing pool in the backyard last night.
They are mean fuckers, but they're definitely a family.
FYI, they do not like having brooms waved in their faces.
Anyway, I realized I haven't been close to my family like this in a long time.
Like raccoon close.
And I just thought wouldn't be awesome if Rebecca and our baby - could feel that connection too.
- Sean What're you talking about? I'm thinking of proposing to Rebecca.
Oh, Sean.
I think that is terrific.
- Oh.
- And responsible.
And incredibly sane.
- Yo! - Hi! Why are you wearing two shirts? My cover shirt.
So my son doesn't shun me when I get home from work.
He'll get used to your job.
I don't want him to get used to it.
I want him to respect me.
You know, like this Ukrainian kid at work, Myk.
To him, I'm just a regular guy.
And we shoot the shit and stuff.
But you know He comes to me for advice.
You know, it's nice to be appreciated even if it's not by my own son.
What's goin' on down there? I've been itching the last couple of hours but a lot.
I think I'm getting a rash.
And why are you smiling? Is it 'cause it's in sort of a fun area? No, because thenurses at the clinic, they said that itching and rashes that they'rethey're side effects of my immune system responding to the treatment.
So then the itching's a good thing.
Wow! You know something? I think I'm having some sympathy itching.
Becoming a sales associate here would be an awesome opportunity.
I know everything about electronics because I practiced English reading the instruction manuals.
Why should I give the job to a refugee instead of an American? I am not a refugee, you ass-wipe! That's what I'm talking about.
Look, Owen's going to be lobbing you all kinds of crazy, but you gotta keep your cool.
Treats me like a came to this country in a fucking innertube.
Look, one day you're going to be in a position to fire guys like Owen.
Until then, you got to work within the system, man.
You've just got to tell yourself, "I'm a valuable member of this staff, and I deserve respect.
" I'm not doing that.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm seeing a lot of bubbles, ladies.
It's like you're swimming in tonic water.
Greta, honey, you're overreaching on the catch.
Tracy, what is going-- How many times are we gonna have to talk about that? Mr.
Johnson.
If you think you can do this better than me, prove it.
I'll race you.
Right here, right now.
And the loser has to shut up.
And by the way, your daughter cut almost three seconds off her time.
This is my job, not yours.
And this area is for swimmers only.
So get in the pool, or get out.
Ladies first throw your hands up it's party time all the girls, the girls are about to shine ladies, stand up 'cause it won't be long and you're looking so good and the party's on 'cause the beat don't stop, you're on top of the world This is the most black people I have ever seen at one time in Minnesota.
- Hey! - Oh, hey! I need your employee discount.
My crappy cell phone died.
You sure it's not just the battery? You want me to take a look at it when I get home? Oh, you are Paul's wife.
Hell no! He's my daddy.
Can't you tell by the family resemblance? Myk, this is Andrea.
Andrea's just living with us for a while.
Hey, Myk.
I threw my old phone out.
I need to upgrade.
Oh, I can show you some phones.
Do you mind, Paul? Be my guest.
Hey! Your first customer.
I don't want to hear about any cheap-ass flip phones.
I'm a busy girl with a lot of shit to organize.
You can take me straight to the smart phones.
Okay.
The right phone depends on the features you need.
- You like music? - Is a pig pork? I like music too.
So we have some cool phones for music fans.
Lots of memory, easy to navigate-- You sound like you escaped from a James Bond movie.
Are you Russian? From Ukrainewith love.
I'm a huge James Bond fan.
I've seen all the films.
No shit! Me too.
He's pretty fine for a white dude, but they need to make the next Bond black.
And then you could be his Pussy Galore.
Maybe I could be in the movie too.
Hey.
Is this what you need? Couldn't find the Phillips head in my dad's toolbox.
I should send this monstrosity back to the factory.
But Rebecca says we need a baby bouncer.
Apparently knees are out of fashion.
Hey Why are you scratch-turbating? It feels like my dick is on fire.
Must be a sex thing.
All right.
All right.
Drop trou.
I should have known that hooker you brought home would leave you a parting gift.
Do it! Holy shit! You're crawling with crabs.
God! How do I get them off? They're fucking everywhere.
I'm surprised you have any penis left.
You gotta get out of here right now dude.
One stiff breeze, you could infest this entire house.
Don't tell my parents.
Sweet Jesus, Cathy was grinding a table this morning.
You must have given them to her.
Adam, you gotta tell your parents right now.
If you don't say something, I will.
- Okay.
- Go! This is a fucking public health crisis! What's goin on, bud? Is it your algebra te-- Oh, damn it! Adam, is it your algebra test? No, mom.
Is it drugs? Oh, God, that's what it is, isn't it? No.
It's not drugs.
You're gay.
Buddy, if you're queer, we're here.
And we'll get used to it.
I'm not gay.
Okay, stop guessing.
Well then tell us what it is.
I have crabs! And so do you guys.
And you probably got it from me.
Crabs? Wait, you're having sex? No! No! You're too young.
How did we get crabs from you? I had sex in your in your bed.
- Oh! Oh! - What? Excuse me? And I actually thought the treatment was working.
God damn it! Wait, I don't get it.
It's a shampoo, Mia.
To get rid of crabs.
I trusted you.
And what's worse is Adam trusted you.
And you have hurt him by sleeping around.
And now you have given him and our entire family crabs.
And I know that it might sound selfish, but I need to be as healthy as I can during a clinical trial.
Do you understand? Adam and I haven't had sex.
Oh, Jesus-- I'm done with that asshole! No! No! No! Do not break up with him.
I am the asshole.
Not Adam.
You are a terrific girl.
And I know Adam really cares about you.
So just promise me you'll think about it.
Don't do anything rash.
And I use that term loosely.
I can't find my favorite sweater.
And I just hope it isn't in here, getting infested.
Otherwise, my dry-cleaning bill is going to be huge.
You must be so skeeved out.
Crabs! On all of your stuff.
You've had hundreds of parasites living on your vag.
I can't even imagine.
Have you forgotten sophomore year and your semester of syphilis? That was in college.
And I got them from my boyfriend, not my son.
Granted, it's not Adam's finest hour.
Do you think you held him enough when he was a baby? - What? - All the parenting books say a mother's touch is a vital part of a child's development.
No offense, Rebecca, but I don't need a book to tell me how to raise my son.
It isn't cheating to ask for help, Cathy.
From a book, from a friend.
I was right about Adam having sex, - wasn't I? - You were half right.
And now thanks to you, I accused Mia of being a slut, and now I've made everything worse.
I'm just trying to help.
Parenting is not about guessing when your kid is having sex.
It's about communicating before sex happens.
Yeah, how's that working out for you? Here! Here's your sweater.
Great! Thank you.
Hey.
Uh, sorry I'm late.
But, uh, we still got an hour till movie starts.
So you ready to go? I don't know.
Is there anything you want to tell me first? Not really.
There's nothing new going on with you? No, no.
Just the same old crap.
Your mom told me about your crabs.
Yeah, so whoever you are sleeping with, I hope that she knows what a pig you are.
And I don't ever want to see you again.
What? No, wait! Wait.
Okay, I didn't mean to do it.
She basically attacked me.
Come on! I can't believe you would dump me when my mom is so sick.
Hey, honey.
Paul, you shouldn't come home for lunch.
You just end up inhaling your food and then racing out the door again.
You'll get heartburn.
But it is so worth it for the 45 minutes of freedom.
What the fuck did you do, mom? Excuse me? Why did you tell Mia I had crabs? You just fucked everything up between me and her.
Hey! You watch your mouth! You want to talk about this, then let's talk about this.
But don't you dare yell at me like that.
I'm your mother.
You are 15 years old.
And you haven't been honest with us.
Who are you sleeping with other than Mia? Jesus! Mom, you don't need to know every detail of my life.
Okay.
Then how bout just the detail that involves giving the entire family VD.
Okay, fine.
I had sex with a fucking hooker.
What did you say? I don't know how to parent you anymore.
I've tried micromanaging you.
I've tried the laissez-faire approach.
So why don't you tell me what you want me to do? How about you just stop fucking with my life? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Why don't you stop fucking with our lives? Oh, and stop fucking.
You brought a disease into our home that now we're all forced to deal with.
Yeah, well now you know how it feels.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Owen.
Few minutes late, huh? No worries, it's cool.
Thanks, man.
Hey, uh, Owen look.
Myk is really interested in interviewing for that job on the sales floor.
Any chance he can chat with you about that? Yeah, he's been bugging me about that for weeks.
It's so fucking annoying.
There's, like, ten different accents in this store.
Meanwhile, my brother's been out of work for two years.
Can't get his foot in the door anywhere.
Fucking retarded, right? Hey, watch it.
My grandfather had an accent.
I mean, a brogue actually.
But, uh, everybody's from somewhere, right Owen? I mean, it's a good thing.
A hundred years ago maybe.
Before everybody decided to fuck America over.
Can you imagine him with customers? "Hello, my name is Mikhail.
Can I please to help you please?" Listen, you fucking little weasel.
Calm down, Paul.
Shit.
You think you're hot shit 'cause your name tag says assistant manager.
You listen carefully to what I'm about to say to you.
This is a shit job.
And you're an asshole.
Stop yelling at me.
The way you talk to Myk is not only wrong, it's illegal.
This is the United States of America.
You want to keep your little name tag, you get with the program, fucking quick! You peed in your pants, man? That's awesome.
Thank you.
I got the promotion.
Way to go, Myk! Hey! Wow, fancy vodka.
Is that, like, real gold flakes in the bottle? That is so cool! That's for your daughter Andrea too.
And thanks to her, man, I was already an experienced salesman when I talked to Owen.
Can I ask you something about her? Shoot.
Would it be okay if I ask her out? Go ahead.
Ask me.
Andrea, would you like-- I'm just gonna tell you straight up.
If you're a chubby chaser, you're shit out of luck 'cause I don't do nothing freaky with my fat.
Now I don't see myself as skinny, but I do see myself as a lady.
So you best come correct.
Is that American for "Yes?" So why are you guys out of your cars? Oh, hi, Cathy.
Practice has been canceled until we can figure out this coaching situation.
It's come to our attention that you have a little problem with your private area.
- What? - I know it's embarrassing.
But it's hard to hide something like this in the age of Facebook.
I don't have crabs.
I had crabs.
You're trying to get me fired because of that? No, no.
We're simply asking you to step aside.
We really appreciate you filling in as coach.
No, I am the coach.
You exposed these kids to a potential health risk by getting in that pool.
On top of the other disease.
- Excuse me? - Let's face it.
Nobody's talking about the elephant in the room.
The fact is you have cancer.
How are you gonna coach when you're in and out of hospitals? I mean who knows what else is going to go wrong with you this year? We're concerned about the future of the team.
And you, of course.
Is this about my crabs or my cancer? This is about my daughter getting a swimming scholarship to pay for college.
This job may make you feel good, but we're talking about Greta's future here.
If this is how you feel, why did you hire me in the first place? Everybody's afraid to say no to the lady with cancer.
Wow! Congratulations to me, I got my first pity job.
Now, I'd tell you to take your pity and shove it, but you know what I don't care.
I mean, if this is why I got the job, screw it, I'll take it.
Because I love my job.
You may have hired me for the wrong reasons, but if you try and fire the lady with cancer, you better hire a damn good lawyer.
- What a bitch! - Yeah, I am a bitch! I'm a tough, brave bitch.
And if you let me, I will turn all of these girls into tough brave bitches too.
Who could go all the way to the championship.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take my team, whoever's still on it, out for a run.
Okay? What the fuck were you thinking? She's a hooker.
Since you're up.
Oh, I love it! Now I gotta worry about finding a job and getting insurance again.
I work here now.
I'm gonna keep looking for something good.
But until that happens I think it's awesome.
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life You're good.
I'm Mrs.
Jamison, by the way.
Yeah, I know.
Everybody knows.
I'm Greta.
Well Thanks for kicking my butt, Greta.
It's been a while since I worked up a sweat in a pool.
I'm on the swim team.
I practice a lot.
Beats sitting on my butt, waiting around for the new coach.
What happened to Mr.
Gibson? He quit 'cause his wife's job got relocated to Des Moines.
We're totally screwed.
Probably wasting my time trying to keep up with practice.
Team's going to majorly suck by the time they get somebody.
It's very kind of you to offer, but we'll find somebody.
I'm not offering.
I'm applying.
Coaching the swim team is a tough job.
Getting up for practice at dawn, freezing your ass off.
Traveling to those out of town meets.
Are you sure you can handle that With everything you've got going on? Oh, I can handle it.
I was captain of the swim team in high school.
I even got a nickname.
"The Tolke Torpedo.
" I was kind of a big deal.
Kathy, we've been state champs for the past two years.
There'd be an awful lot of high expectations put on you.
Keep looking for another coach if you think you can find one.
Until then, let me get them back in the race.
If you need my resume, here it is: I swam for the University of Minnesota for four years.
I had the team's best time in the 400 I.
M.
And I throw a kick-ass victory party.
Well, we'll give it a shot.
Great! I don't get this.
I don't know why I banished my old swimsuits to the basement.
Mom, you're the coach.
Okay, no one wants to see you in a bikini.
You never know when I might have to get in the water.
It wouldn't hurt to have a few extra swimsuit options.
I cannot wait till I can wear a bikini again.
I want to go to Cabo after the baby's born.
You're not going anywhere after the baby's born.
You're barely going to sleep.
Oh, my God, you have to add this one to your coach wardrobe.
It's cute, but in that bad-ass mofo kind of way.
Thank you, Mia.
- Nice medals, mom.
- Yeah.
It's so cool that you were a jock.
Hey, why aren't you on the swim team? You would look cute in a speedo.
They are totally doing it.
Look at them.
Smell them.
They even smell like teen sex.
That is gross.
And I would know if something was going on.
Mia and I have actually become pretty close, and I'm not picking up on the sex vibe from either of them.
Thank God.
My intuition begs to differ.
Mom's have instincts about these things.
You're not a mother yet.
When your baby is outside of your body, then you can come talk to me.
Hey! - That's a nice color on you.
- Thanks.
Maybe I should have changed jobs sooner.
Thank you for the snack, Cathy.
Bye-bye, guys.
- See ya.
- Bye.
They're are doing it every day.
Jeez, dad, can't you just change before you leave work or something, before the entire world sees you dressed like that? Hey! Your father works incredibly hard.
Maybe even as hard as you're working that attitude.
Grow up! That's great.
Just when this crappy job couldn't get any worse, now my son is ashamed of me.
Ha-ha.
What are those bathing suits for? I'm coaching the swim team.
Coaching? Seriously? That's crazy.
Honey, you need to conserve your strength.
I want to use my strength to do things that make me happy.
Like swimming.
And besides, this job pays an extra $5,000.
Wow! That's like two scans and a Mountain Dew in the waiting room.
What is this? This is where our little bundle of joy, slash anxiety, is going to come into the world.
I'm just uhchecking for leaks.
I thought we agreed I was giving birth in a hospital.
A hospital yes.
Trapped on a gurney, and whacked out on painkillers, no.
I checked, and we're allowed to bring in our own birthing pool.
Tell me you're not serious.
Let's, uh Let's give it a try, okay? Now? Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Water's nice.
Come on in.
You're crazy.
Whoa! See, doesn't that feel nice? Just the way nature intended.
Are you going to get in the pool with me? Sure, if you need me to.
Might even bring my swim noodle.
Everything looks better in 3-D, you know.
It's like music, sports.
Uh! Now that Lord of the Dance has been released in 3-D, tap dancing, seriously.
I have seen it.
It is awesome.
It's like, it's like you're getting an Irish lap dance or something.
It's unbelievable.
Thanks.
We're gonna shop around.
Oh.
All right, man.
Thanks for coming in.
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, hey Owen.
How you doin'? Don't beat yourself up about losing that sale.
They were tough.
You'll get the hang of it When you've been here a little while.
Just finding my sea legs, boss.
That's cool.
Mikhail, what's up? Mykailo.
- Owen? - What do you need, dude? I wanted to see if I could switch this Saturday's shift for something during the week.
Dude, I spent, like, hours doing the schedule.
You start pulling threads, it's gonna totally screw us up.
Okay, okay.
I'll be here.
He's a big pain in the ass for such a little turd, isn't he? Yeah, could be worse though.
I could be home in Ukraine.
Huh.
It's that bad in the Ukraine? Ah, Ukraine is fine.
I miss my family but opportunity-wise, America kicks ass.
Right on.
Most people, working in shipping and receiving, they're bitching 24-7.
I think the fact that you see it as an opportunity, that is awesome, fella.
Yeah, an opportunity to get the fuck out of shipping and receiving.
Wow! Girls, gather round.
First off I just want to say how excited I am about this year.
And I've made some preliminary assignments based on your times from last year.
Pass these around.
Soeverybody in the pool.
If you can walk and talk at the same time when you're done, you are not working hard enough.
So give me six 100s.
Come on, stretch it out, stretch it out.
Keep you elbows up, Greta.
And relax your hands.
Keep your elbows up, honey.
You're doing great.
You must be Greta's dad.
Les Johnson.
Nice to meet you.
You know, it's great that you're supporting your daughter, but being her coach is kind of my job.
Sorry, coach, didn't mean to helicopter.
Just here to help.
I know.
Me too.
The crazy thing is too much help can feel a lot like - too much pressure.
- Greta can handle it.
By the way, the old coach used to have them warm up with drills.
Keeps their technique sharp for the whole workout.
I know what I'm doing.
Guess we'll find out.
Maybe it would be best if you wait in the parking lot.
Excuse me? Actually, if all the parents could please wait for your kids in your cars.
Don't worry.
I have things covered here.
Thanks.
Oh, hey.
I need a favor.
I can't tell whether these meds I'm on are working or making me crazier than a shithouse rat.
Why? What's going on? Well, I keep having these thoughts, and I just need to say them out loud to somebody rational.
What are you Are you rubbing your vagina on the coffee table? No.
Jeez, Sean.
What do you want? This whole childbirth thing is really doing a number on my psyche.
I saw a raccoon family drinking out of our birthing pool in the backyard last night.
They are mean fuckers, but they're definitely a family.
FYI, they do not like having brooms waved in their faces.
Anyway, I realized I haven't been close to my family like this in a long time.
Like raccoon close.
And I just thought wouldn't be awesome if Rebecca and our baby - could feel that connection too.
- Sean What're you talking about? I'm thinking of proposing to Rebecca.
Oh, Sean.
I think that is terrific.
- Oh.
- And responsible.
And incredibly sane.
- Yo! - Hi! Why are you wearing two shirts? My cover shirt.
So my son doesn't shun me when I get home from work.
He'll get used to your job.
I don't want him to get used to it.
I want him to respect me.
You know, like this Ukrainian kid at work, Myk.
To him, I'm just a regular guy.
And we shoot the shit and stuff.
But you know He comes to me for advice.
You know, it's nice to be appreciated even if it's not by my own son.
What's goin' on down there? I've been itching the last couple of hours but a lot.
I think I'm getting a rash.
And why are you smiling? Is it 'cause it's in sort of a fun area? No, because thenurses at the clinic, they said that itching and rashes that they'rethey're side effects of my immune system responding to the treatment.
So then the itching's a good thing.
Wow! You know something? I think I'm having some sympathy itching.
Becoming a sales associate here would be an awesome opportunity.
I know everything about electronics because I practiced English reading the instruction manuals.
Why should I give the job to a refugee instead of an American? I am not a refugee, you ass-wipe! That's what I'm talking about.
Look, Owen's going to be lobbing you all kinds of crazy, but you gotta keep your cool.
Treats me like a came to this country in a fucking innertube.
Look, one day you're going to be in a position to fire guys like Owen.
Until then, you got to work within the system, man.
You've just got to tell yourself, "I'm a valuable member of this staff, and I deserve respect.
" I'm not doing that.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm seeing a lot of bubbles, ladies.
It's like you're swimming in tonic water.
Greta, honey, you're overreaching on the catch.
Tracy, what is going-- How many times are we gonna have to talk about that? Mr.
Johnson.
If you think you can do this better than me, prove it.
I'll race you.
Right here, right now.
And the loser has to shut up.
And by the way, your daughter cut almost three seconds off her time.
This is my job, not yours.
And this area is for swimmers only.
So get in the pool, or get out.
Ladies first throw your hands up it's party time all the girls, the girls are about to shine ladies, stand up 'cause it won't be long and you're looking so good and the party's on 'cause the beat don't stop, you're on top of the world This is the most black people I have ever seen at one time in Minnesota.
- Hey! - Oh, hey! I need your employee discount.
My crappy cell phone died.
You sure it's not just the battery? You want me to take a look at it when I get home? Oh, you are Paul's wife.
Hell no! He's my daddy.
Can't you tell by the family resemblance? Myk, this is Andrea.
Andrea's just living with us for a while.
Hey, Myk.
I threw my old phone out.
I need to upgrade.
Oh, I can show you some phones.
Do you mind, Paul? Be my guest.
Hey! Your first customer.
I don't want to hear about any cheap-ass flip phones.
I'm a busy girl with a lot of shit to organize.
You can take me straight to the smart phones.
Okay.
The right phone depends on the features you need.
- You like music? - Is a pig pork? I like music too.
So we have some cool phones for music fans.
Lots of memory, easy to navigate-- You sound like you escaped from a James Bond movie.
Are you Russian? From Ukrainewith love.
I'm a huge James Bond fan.
I've seen all the films.
No shit! Me too.
He's pretty fine for a white dude, but they need to make the next Bond black.
And then you could be his Pussy Galore.
Maybe I could be in the movie too.
Hey.
Is this what you need? Couldn't find the Phillips head in my dad's toolbox.
I should send this monstrosity back to the factory.
But Rebecca says we need a baby bouncer.
Apparently knees are out of fashion.
Hey Why are you scratch-turbating? It feels like my dick is on fire.
Must be a sex thing.
All right.
All right.
Drop trou.
I should have known that hooker you brought home would leave you a parting gift.
Do it! Holy shit! You're crawling with crabs.
God! How do I get them off? They're fucking everywhere.
I'm surprised you have any penis left.
You gotta get out of here right now dude.
One stiff breeze, you could infest this entire house.
Don't tell my parents.
Sweet Jesus, Cathy was grinding a table this morning.
You must have given them to her.
Adam, you gotta tell your parents right now.
If you don't say something, I will.
- Okay.
- Go! This is a fucking public health crisis! What's goin on, bud? Is it your algebra te-- Oh, damn it! Adam, is it your algebra test? No, mom.
Is it drugs? Oh, God, that's what it is, isn't it? No.
It's not drugs.
You're gay.
Buddy, if you're queer, we're here.
And we'll get used to it.
I'm not gay.
Okay, stop guessing.
Well then tell us what it is.
I have crabs! And so do you guys.
And you probably got it from me.
Crabs? Wait, you're having sex? No! No! You're too young.
How did we get crabs from you? I had sex in your in your bed.
- Oh! Oh! - What? Excuse me? And I actually thought the treatment was working.
God damn it! Wait, I don't get it.
It's a shampoo, Mia.
To get rid of crabs.
I trusted you.
And what's worse is Adam trusted you.
And you have hurt him by sleeping around.
And now you have given him and our entire family crabs.
And I know that it might sound selfish, but I need to be as healthy as I can during a clinical trial.
Do you understand? Adam and I haven't had sex.
Oh, Jesus-- I'm done with that asshole! No! No! No! Do not break up with him.
I am the asshole.
Not Adam.
You are a terrific girl.
And I know Adam really cares about you.
So just promise me you'll think about it.
Don't do anything rash.
And I use that term loosely.
I can't find my favorite sweater.
And I just hope it isn't in here, getting infested.
Otherwise, my dry-cleaning bill is going to be huge.
You must be so skeeved out.
Crabs! On all of your stuff.
You've had hundreds of parasites living on your vag.
I can't even imagine.
Have you forgotten sophomore year and your semester of syphilis? That was in college.
And I got them from my boyfriend, not my son.
Granted, it's not Adam's finest hour.
Do you think you held him enough when he was a baby? - What? - All the parenting books say a mother's touch is a vital part of a child's development.
No offense, Rebecca, but I don't need a book to tell me how to raise my son.
It isn't cheating to ask for help, Cathy.
From a book, from a friend.
I was right about Adam having sex, - wasn't I? - You were half right.
And now thanks to you, I accused Mia of being a slut, and now I've made everything worse.
I'm just trying to help.
Parenting is not about guessing when your kid is having sex.
It's about communicating before sex happens.
Yeah, how's that working out for you? Here! Here's your sweater.
Great! Thank you.
Hey.
Uh, sorry I'm late.
But, uh, we still got an hour till movie starts.
So you ready to go? I don't know.
Is there anything you want to tell me first? Not really.
There's nothing new going on with you? No, no.
Just the same old crap.
Your mom told me about your crabs.
Yeah, so whoever you are sleeping with, I hope that she knows what a pig you are.
And I don't ever want to see you again.
What? No, wait! Wait.
Okay, I didn't mean to do it.
She basically attacked me.
Come on! I can't believe you would dump me when my mom is so sick.
Hey, honey.
Paul, you shouldn't come home for lunch.
You just end up inhaling your food and then racing out the door again.
You'll get heartburn.
But it is so worth it for the 45 minutes of freedom.
What the fuck did you do, mom? Excuse me? Why did you tell Mia I had crabs? You just fucked everything up between me and her.
Hey! You watch your mouth! You want to talk about this, then let's talk about this.
But don't you dare yell at me like that.
I'm your mother.
You are 15 years old.
And you haven't been honest with us.
Who are you sleeping with other than Mia? Jesus! Mom, you don't need to know every detail of my life.
Okay.
Then how bout just the detail that involves giving the entire family VD.
Okay, fine.
I had sex with a fucking hooker.
What did you say? I don't know how to parent you anymore.
I've tried micromanaging you.
I've tried the laissez-faire approach.
So why don't you tell me what you want me to do? How about you just stop fucking with my life? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Why don't you stop fucking with our lives? Oh, and stop fucking.
You brought a disease into our home that now we're all forced to deal with.
Yeah, well now you know how it feels.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Owen.
Few minutes late, huh? No worries, it's cool.
Thanks, man.
Hey, uh, Owen look.
Myk is really interested in interviewing for that job on the sales floor.
Any chance he can chat with you about that? Yeah, he's been bugging me about that for weeks.
It's so fucking annoying.
There's, like, ten different accents in this store.
Meanwhile, my brother's been out of work for two years.
Can't get his foot in the door anywhere.
Fucking retarded, right? Hey, watch it.
My grandfather had an accent.
I mean, a brogue actually.
But, uh, everybody's from somewhere, right Owen? I mean, it's a good thing.
A hundred years ago maybe.
Before everybody decided to fuck America over.
Can you imagine him with customers? "Hello, my name is Mikhail.
Can I please to help you please?" Listen, you fucking little weasel.
Calm down, Paul.
Shit.
You think you're hot shit 'cause your name tag says assistant manager.
You listen carefully to what I'm about to say to you.
This is a shit job.
And you're an asshole.
Stop yelling at me.
The way you talk to Myk is not only wrong, it's illegal.
This is the United States of America.
You want to keep your little name tag, you get with the program, fucking quick! You peed in your pants, man? That's awesome.
Thank you.
I got the promotion.
Way to go, Myk! Hey! Wow, fancy vodka.
Is that, like, real gold flakes in the bottle? That is so cool! That's for your daughter Andrea too.
And thanks to her, man, I was already an experienced salesman when I talked to Owen.
Can I ask you something about her? Shoot.
Would it be okay if I ask her out? Go ahead.
Ask me.
Andrea, would you like-- I'm just gonna tell you straight up.
If you're a chubby chaser, you're shit out of luck 'cause I don't do nothing freaky with my fat.
Now I don't see myself as skinny, but I do see myself as a lady.
So you best come correct.
Is that American for "Yes?" So why are you guys out of your cars? Oh, hi, Cathy.
Practice has been canceled until we can figure out this coaching situation.
It's come to our attention that you have a little problem with your private area.
- What? - I know it's embarrassing.
But it's hard to hide something like this in the age of Facebook.
I don't have crabs.
I had crabs.
You're trying to get me fired because of that? No, no.
We're simply asking you to step aside.
We really appreciate you filling in as coach.
No, I am the coach.
You exposed these kids to a potential health risk by getting in that pool.
On top of the other disease.
- Excuse me? - Let's face it.
Nobody's talking about the elephant in the room.
The fact is you have cancer.
How are you gonna coach when you're in and out of hospitals? I mean who knows what else is going to go wrong with you this year? We're concerned about the future of the team.
And you, of course.
Is this about my crabs or my cancer? This is about my daughter getting a swimming scholarship to pay for college.
This job may make you feel good, but we're talking about Greta's future here.
If this is how you feel, why did you hire me in the first place? Everybody's afraid to say no to the lady with cancer.
Wow! Congratulations to me, I got my first pity job.
Now, I'd tell you to take your pity and shove it, but you know what I don't care.
I mean, if this is why I got the job, screw it, I'll take it.
Because I love my job.
You may have hired me for the wrong reasons, but if you try and fire the lady with cancer, you better hire a damn good lawyer.
- What a bitch! - Yeah, I am a bitch! I'm a tough, brave bitch.
And if you let me, I will turn all of these girls into tough brave bitches too.
Who could go all the way to the championship.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take my team, whoever's still on it, out for a run.