The Big C (2010) s03e06 Episode Script
Life Rights
Previously on The Big C I want another baby.
Well, this guy just wrote me.
And his wife's pregnant.
They want to meet us! How'd your talk with Adam go? He is gonna be a terrific big brother to this baby.
Heh.
I'm about to go on tour.
You could join me as the flip-that-switch guy.
Oh, my God, yes! All: [Chanting.]
Flip that switch! Flip that switch! Flip that switch! Are we gonna see you tomorrow, Alexis? Most likely.
I'm running a gay phone sex business.
- Are you gay now? - No, I'm just talking the talk.
I just called Uncle Sean.
I'm gonna be, uh, staying over there for a few days.
Why? He's hosting his church group, Chez my place.
Hi, Ms.
Jamison.
I'm Jesse.
I'm his girlfriend.
I'm saving myself, but You can go in the other way.
[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just the game we play called life [Groans softly.]
- Aah! - [Shrieks.]
Oh, Jesus.
- Damn it.
- Andrea Is that how you wake up Mr.
J every morning? Well, where is he? He's in the shower.
I had to wake him up early for his talk in duluth and I just fell asleep waiting for him to get-- Oh, crap! Is that the time?! Mr.
J! We're gonna be late.
[Pounding on door.]
This is really cutting into my hotel jacuzzi time.
I gotta jump back in the shower.
I used this extra-strength hair gel, and my head feels like a fucking candy apple.
Hi, honey.
[Door shuts.]
Argh! [Sighs.]
[Clattering.]
Is that Adam? [Clanking.]
Adam? [Disappointed.]
Oh, hi.
Wow! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm raising your son now, but you look great.
Do you have any tomato sauce? Yeah, above the oven.
Just so we're clear Adam spending the past week with you does not qualify as you raising him.
- How is he? - Hungry.
The kid eats like a starving peasant.
You know, I feel like I spend all my time grocery shopping in your fridge or giving head on the phone.
I mean, where is the "me" in all this? I hope you're not taking calls in front of Adam.
I mean, I am trying to be supportive - your porn phone business.
- Yeah, don't worry, Cath.
I take all the fist fuck talk out back.
Okay, you need to send Adam home.
It's fine.
Probably good for you two to have a little separation.
He kind of hates you right now.
I'm gonna need some caffeine to continue this conversation.
[Mouth full.]
You know, even I have to admit, that kid is a handful.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know how you did it for 15 years.
Liquor and summer camp helped take the edge off.
Getting a new baby's gonna be a great excuse to double my drinking.
Speaking of new baby insanity, that's for you.
It's the crib Rebecca and I got for baby Cathy.
Good luck putting that fucker back together.
- Oh.
Hi, there.
- Hey, what's up, man? - Hi.
- So, uh, you're Cathy's baby daddy.
- Uh - Yeah, I gotta run.
I gotta feed my nephew before he chews his own lips off for breakfast.
- Oh! - Ohh, shit.
I knew it.
I'm overdressed.
Oh! Oh.
I am sorry about the pajamas.
Don't worry about it.
There were, like, three guys on the bus dressed the same way.
Here, this is for you.
It's, uh, Maxine's prenatal tests and stuff, which she totally aced.
Just don't ask us for our SAT scores.
Thanks.
Come on in.
I'm making coffee.
Great.
So, uh, Adam spends a lot of time with his uncle, huh? Yeah, well, you know, not all the time.
Just a few days here and there, but It's been a few days.
Adam kind of reminds me of me when I was his age.
I really wanted my independence, but for me, that meant running away and following around the band phish.
After about a month, even my tambourine smelled like pot.
- Hmm.
- Hey! Look who's here.
How you doing? Paul, what's up, man? You have time for a cup of coffee? - Absolutely.
- Wrong.
I googled the traffic, and it sucks.
We gotta go now.
I'm having early-onset road rage.
[Inhales sharply.]
Damn.
Wish me luck.
[Laughs.]
You don't need it, but good luck.
Be back at noon tomorrow.
Ababuo is extremely punctual, and I'm very much her bitch.
So I'll see you then.
Later, Dave.
Later.
So, uh What's all that? Oh, it's a crib.
Huh.
Looks comfy.
You're a contractor.
Can you fix it? Adam! Breakfast! You want honey-toasted diabetes or frosted obesity flakes? [Knocks.]
Adam? - Uhh! - [Gasps.]
[Rock music playing.]
Close the fucking door! Jesus Christ on a stick.
So how was the contractor business? Ah, it was frozen.
But it's cool.
People start hiring contractors in a couple months.
There's always a flurry of home renovations come spring.
Well, I'm definitely paying you for helping with the crib.
No, Cathy, save your money for Greenpeace.
I'm not a charity case.
Well, Greenpeace isn't gonna help me put the crib together.
And I'm sure things are tight for you and Maxine.
Okay You can pay me.
Now I feel like I stole from Greenpeace.
[Laughs.]
You know, obviously, none of this is gonna be here when we turn this into the nursery.
We're making a bedroom for Andrea in the basement.
She was upset about it till she found out she's gonna have her own bathroom.
[Both laugh.]
You know, I don't know why they didn't put a window in this wall.
It'd be so nice to have some southern exposure.
Oh, well.
I guess I'll just-- I'll just hang a picture of a big window and call it a day.
Wait, you-- I mean, you're fucking with me, right? I'm a-- I'm a contractor.
I can give you southern exposure.
With all the sunlight in here, that little baby's gonna have an amazing tan.
[Laughs.]
[Paul blabbering.]
Are you choking? Do you need me to punch you in the neck? - Joy taught me some vocal warm-ups so that I wouldn't stress my voice.
Well, it's stressing my ears.
Here's your tea.
- Paul? - Thank you.
I would like you to meet a dear friend of mine.
Rita Strauss.
How do I know that name? She's a film producer.
Oh, my God.
I know who you are.
Holy crap.
Your movies are awesome! Thank you.
I'm shooting another one on location outside of Duluth as we speak, but when I heard you were in town, I had to come and shake your hand.
I'm a huge fan, I just-- It's terrific meeting you.
Yes, it is terrific for me to meet you.
And this is his assistant, Ababuo.
- Ababuo.
- Saw you on the Oscars.
Whoever started playing that music to cut your speech off should be bitch slapped.
But at least you won.
[Laughing.]
Damn straight.
And did you see Harvey's face when I walked past him? It was like I shit in his dinner.
Oh, but let me tell you, Paul, I have been addicted to your blog ever since Jeri turned me on to it.
Thank you.
Who's Jeri? Oh! I have known Rita since before I changed my name and my life.
Paul, your story is amazing.
And--and complicated and funny.
An everyman confronting his wife's cancer and life's indignities with so much heart and humor.
I-- Every time I sit down and read your blog, I never know if I'm gonna be laughing or crying.
You should stay for the talk tonight.
- We can get Rita some vip seats-- - Oh, no, no, no, no.
I gotta get back to the set before Marty has a breakdown.
But joy and I have dinner reservations tomorrow, and you're coming with us.
I am? That sounds amazing.
I'll check with my wife.
No, you're not gonna turn me down, Paul.
Nobody turns me down.
Halle Berry tried to turn me down once.
You know what I told her? I said, "Fuck you, Halle! You're having dinner with me.
" She had grilled salmon and loved it.
- True story.
- Do you like Sherry, Paul? I'm not really a Sherry guy.
We're gonna have dinner and drink a shitload of Sherry.
And you're gonna tell me more about your life, your death, your life after your death.
I'm hooked! And I'm paying! You're coming.
- Bring the missus.
- Well, I-- - We love that! - I like her.
Bring her too.
I'll see you at dinner.
- You inscrutable little boob! - It's no big deal.
Do I have to remind you about the hooker and the crabs and the-- the shit storm you started last time you unleashed your pecker on the world? Hold it, Sean.
It's not like that.
I really like this girl.
It's-- We're just taking it slow.
Slow is kissing.
Or, if you're my client Doug, lightly dragging your scrotum across your partner's face.
Not what you were just doing.
Please tell me that you were at least using protection.
What for? We're not even having sex.
Jesse is saving herself.
So we're just doing it in the butt.
Great! Do you know how many butt-borne diseases there are out there? You better be wrapping that Johnson, mister.
And if that girl thinks she's not having sex, she's off her fucking nut.
Butt sex is the real deal.
There's a reason they don't call it butt not-sex.
It's our business.
She's okay with it.
Look, bottom line, pun intended, if she's saving the bush, don't touch the tush! [Sighs.]
Not only is the window gonna give you more light, but you're gonna get more heat in the winter and then you just get more ventilation come summer.
Look at that, you put the crib right over here, and you can rock her to sleep right over there.
That is, assuming she's a girl.
Shit.
Did you want to know what the sex was? 'Cause I may have accidentally just told you.
Heh.
It's a girl? Yeah.
She's gonna love her room.
Ha! [Machine gunfire on tv.]
Oh, you're home! - Hi, honey.
- Hi.
What are you watching? Oh, no.
Oh, how did your talk go? You only watch violent movies when you're upset.
[Tv beeps off.]
Au contraire, Cath.
I killed in Duluth.
I am having a Rita Strauss film festival as part of my extensive preparation for my upcoming dinner with Rita Strauss.
Who's Rita Strauss? Oh, man, she's a big Hollywood film producer.
Had a whole really gnarly war movie phase in the '80s.
Fucking brutal stuff.
And get this.
She reads my blog.
Called me an everyman.
Isn't that cool? Want to know something even cooler? What? Everyman's gonna have a baby daughter.
What? [Laughs.]
We have a little girl? Oh, my God.
Oh, wait, wait.
I've been waiting To open this with you.
It's Maxine's pregnancy file.
She's beautiful.
Oh.
What if we hire Dave To put a window in the nursery? He said he could do it really fast.
He sketched it all out.
It would be so nice for the baby.
A window, honey? I mean, but we don't even have a baby yet.
Why don't we wait till the baby gets here? She's right here, Paul.
Things are happening fast, and we have to be ready.
In fact, we have to get our paperwork organized for our meeting with the adoption lawyer tonight.
Paul, what? What is it? I told Rita Strauss that we'd have dinner with her tonight because she's only in town for one weekend.
Paul, that lawyer was doing us a favor by squeezing us in this weekend.
That was an important meeting.
Which is why we're still gonna have it.
Honey, this dinner's gonna be a lot of fun.
It's gonna be you and me and Joy and-- And Rita Strauss and Ababuo.
I bought a jacket.
I bought a special jacket just for the dinner.
But you know what, sweetie? I will do whatever you want.
I will totally frickin' cancel it.
You want me to cancel it? I'm not kidding.
She's probably got a private jet.
She can come back whenever she wants.
No, no.
We'll go.
Oh, thanks, 'cause I didn't really know her number.
I was fake dialing it.
- [On radio.]
Construction on I-94 has shut down the two left lanes in both directions and caused quite a gridlock in the Twin Cities.
You might want to take surface streets-- Hey, Kirby? Northbound I-35 is moving slowly.
Cars averaging It's not looking much better southbound, thanks to an overturned big rig-- Can I have a pint of, uh I don't know, something good? I don't actually work here.
- I just was the-- the traffic report was a buzz kill, and the bartender's in the loo.
- Ah.
- But I do, I recommend the Fuller's London pride.
Tastes like butterfinger.
Well, then, uh, I'll take two.
On the condition you join me for one, uh - Alexis.
- Peter.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks for the offer, Peter, but I'm seeing someone.
Lucky guy.
Yeah, well We'll see how it goes.
It's new.
He's a contractor.
The sexy thing about him, he can look at a plain ol' house and see how amazing it could be with just a little work.
- Hmm.
- I've dated so many man-boys.
They talk a good game, but they don't want to put the fucking work in.
This time in my life I'm looking for less talk and more action.
Shit, that is good.
Yeah, don't forget to tip your server.
Oh.
Uh, if things don't work out with your contractor guy, give me a call.
What's it gonna take for you to come around? what's it gonna make now? what's it gonna take for you to turn around? Cheers.
[Man on speakerphone.]
I like squeezing those perky nipples of yours.
Wow, that's hot.
That is really hot.
I'm licking your nipples, Willy.
I'm sucking on them.
[Door slams.]
You like that, Willy, huh? Uh, no! No, not you, Tim.
I like it.
Get out! Not you, Tim.
Stay there.
I'm gonna bite down on those nipples like hairy little gummi bears.
Oh, that's nasty! What? You-- you don't like that? No, I-- oh Son of a dick! - Are you okay, Willy? - No! I'm trying to-- I'm trying to make pizza from scratch, and it's a pain in my ass.
It's my My sex maniac nephew's favorite, and if I don't make his favorite fucking food, he gets all moody.
You know I wanted him to taste real food that isn't a fucking biohazard just once in his life.
[Sighs.]
Wow, Tim, I'm--- I'm sorry for my professional lapse.
I believe you were sucking on my nipples? You're making pizza? Mm.
I'm from New York.
Pizza's my religion.
[Chuckles.]
Talk me through what you're doing.
I can help.
- Really? - Trust me.
Your nephew's gonna go nuts.
- So, uh, you're from New York? - Mm-hmm.
- What part? - Well, I grew up in Brooklyn.
Hey, sis.
Whoa, you look shiny.
We're having dinner with a real Hollywood producer.
- Paul met her-- - I don't really give a shit.
I need to borrow a pair of Paul's socks for a client meeting.
Adam tried to do our laundry, and now all my socks are pink and size two.
Okay, wait a minute.
I'm confused.
You're-- you're meeting a client in person.
- Uh-huh.
- Does this mean you're a male prostitute now? Jesus, Cathy.
I just gotta get out of the house and have a drink with somebody who isn't 16 years old.
Tim happens to be an excellent conversationalist with whom I have a lot in common.
Well, this is really new territory for me.
You know, I've never been "Sean" with any of my gentlemen callers before.
You think he'll like me? If he liked Willy Wanker, how high can the bar be? Cathy, I've read your husband's blog.
I feel like I know you already.
Oh, it is so wonderful to meet you.
I-- I don't really follow the movie industry, but I googled you, and You produced two of my favorite movies last year.
- Well - You're responsible for a lot of tears being shed in my family.
Mostly by me.
[Laughter.]
Rita's a fucking genius.
- [Laughing.]
Well - Well, heh.
Well, I'm not a fucking genius.
I'm just a fucking high school teacher.
[Laughs loudly.]
You did not tell me she was so funny.
Oh, yeah, you'd be surprised by this lady.
She's dynamite.
Well, I just have to say, for the record, that I think schoolteachers are the real fucking heroes of this country.
- Hear, hear.
- I will drink to that.
Oh, good, good.
Have some Sherry.
No, thank you.
I cannot get your story out of my head, Paul.
I re-read your blog last night.
- All of it? - Riveting, right? Beyond.
Have you ever thought about selling your life rights? Excuse me? I want to make a movie based on your life.
Holy shit.
I could put this project together in a heartbeat.
DiCaprio is looking for a true life story to star in.
He wants to play a regular, honest, everyday guy.
I talked to him about it this morning.
He love the idea.
Loves.
[Chuckling.]
This is unbelievable.
That's terrific, honey.
And I'm flying to Vegas with Sandy next week, so I'll float this by her.
Who's Sandy? Bullock.
Sandy Bullock.
She's a little chatty, but she's a real peach.
- Shit.
- And I think this material's really gonna resonate with her.
I mean, who doesn't want to play DiCaprio's wife? I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.
Actually, I did.
[Forced laugh.]
I-- I'm sorry, are you-- You're gonna-- You're gonna ask Sandra Bullock to play me? Who's asking? She'll do it.
She owes me-- I gave her a fucking horse when she moved down to her ranch.
Ha! [Laughing.]
Hey, who's gonna play Mr.
Jamison's fly assistant, because I have some ideas.
Beyonce, Queen Latifah, and Meryl Streep 'cause that bitch can play anybody.
[Laughs loudly.]
I love you.
[Laughing.]
And you just never know which callers are gonna be old-fashioned romantics and which ones are gonna like wearing diapers and getting spanked.
[Laughs.]
It's all good.
Speaking as a psychotherapist, I can relate to freaky clients.
Hmm.
Speaking as a psychotherapist, can you tell I'm medicated? No, but if this is you on meds, I think you made a good choice.
Oh, yeah? Tell me about your choice.
You know, calling a gay phone sex line.
What about it? I'm honest with myself.
I know what my needs are, and I know how to get them met.
I like you, doctor.
How 'bout another round? Sure.
Um, Tim, you seem really great.
Um, so I'm just gonna come out and say this.
In real life, I'm straight.
Why did you feel the need to tell me that? You know, I just didn't want there to be any Misunderstandings.
Sean, it's fine.
This isn't a date.
It's beer.
Well, here's to beer.
Who wants some more Sherry? - Oh.
- This stuff is amazing.
You know, I don't think I've ever really appreciated the virtues of a good fortified-- Whoops-- Wine.
Mm, Cathy I'm gonna want to get you together with Sandy.
She's very method.
She's gonna want to study you and your mannerisms.
You gals can go have a spa day together.
Get to know each other.
- Whoa.
- It would be An honor to have such a talented actress, you know, deal with my son's second-grade chicken pox, and Paul's Memorial Day '97 rugby concussion, and my brother trying to swim down the Mississippi naked.
Very high drama.
Those moments are gonna make her last words so poignant.
Sandy's told me a million times, she said, "I've never done a death scene.
" [Laughing.]
"I'm dying to die.
" - Is that true? - It is.
Wow.
Excuse me? The final moment is going to be so powerful.
But she's not dead.
Oh, honey, it's called dramatic license.
Plus, we all know there isn't a cure for this.
Oh, well, thank you, Dr.
Rita.
You know, with all due respect, I should be your research.
I am far from dead.
Cathy's in a clinical trial.
And they're looking for a cure.
And she's good.
It's gonna be good.
Yeah, but the movie has to end somehow.
This is Hollywood, guys.
That's the way it works.
She really have to die? [Scoffs.]
People like happy endings.
That's why they go to the movies, right? Terms of Endearment, Titanic, Gladiator.
Common denominator, death.
And huge box office.
Oh, I'm sorry, but my life is-- Is not for you to twist around to make a buck or win an award.
Cathy, let's try to find the joy in this.
Okay, you can take your joy, and you can shove it.
And you, you can kill somebody else off in a movie.
[Receding footsteps.]
[Whispering.]
Honey.
Honey, honey.
That woman wants to kill me! Honey, to be fair, she wants to kill Sandra Bullock-- Sandy.
And if we let her, the real Cathy Jamison is gonna be rollin' in the dough.
The issue is not the money here, Paul.
The issue is my future, which I happen to believe in.
I don't want them making a movie about my dying while I'm trying to stay alive.
Every time someone sees it, I'll die.
Get them to change the names! When I do die, it's gonna be once.
And it's not gonna be in front of the whole world with everyone saying, "oh, she died so much better in the movie.
" Honey, this project could make a really big difference for us.
I mean, what's the big deal? They just want to use our family as, like, a jumping off point.
We're the trampoline.
We're just a big trampoline.
It's not just about our lives, Paul.
It's our son's.
And our daughter's! Have you forgotten? We're adopting a baby! Well, why do you think I want to do this so badly, honey? Our family's the reason for everything that I do.
Then why are you dragging your feet to see the adoption lawyer? Oh, I know.
Oh, I know, I know.
I know You've been really busy.
And yet, somehow, you found the time to buy that new jacket to impress your new a-list friends.
And yet, you have the nerve to tell me not to spend money on a nursery for a baby that's already on the way? Do you even want this baby, Paul? What? Honey, yes.
I have a lot going on right now.
Yeah, the timing kind of sucks.
And maybe, in a perfect world, no, we wouldn't be having a baby right now.
I want this baby, Paul! I'm gonna take a cab home.
[Chuckles.]
Wait.
Jesse, look, I don't want to make you feel like you have to do things with me in order for me to like you.
[Scoffs.]
I don't feel like I have to do anything.
I only do what I want.
Yeah, but, look, I know you're saving yourself, and that makes me want to save myself too.
But my uncle says the stuff we're doing is sex.
No, it's not.
Sex is for procreation between married people.
We're not procreating.
Yeah, but if we were two dudes doing the same thing, wouldn't we be going to hell? Do I look like a dude to you? Look, when I'm unsure about something, I pray to God for guidance.
[Chuckles.]
Dear lord Please grant us the wisdom to make righteous choices and stay on the path of virtue.
Teach us to love each other in a way that glorifies your name.
I guess it'd be kind of weird for me to call Willy wanker now.
Oh, we can grab a beer again sometime.
Beer isn't weird.
Unless it's light, non-alcoholic, or amish.
What if it's wine? Cheers.
Cheers.
This is, uh, this is a nice pad, Tim.
Not nearly as shrinky as I expected.
And yet I feel an overwhelming sense of mental well-being.
And I won't even kick you out after 50 minutes.
[Both chuckle.]
You got Oh.
[Clears throat.]
Um, no, Tim Um Uh, Tim Hmm? Mm Yeah.
[Whispers.]
Holy fuck.
Wha-- Where did you come from? This must be Sean.
Yeah.
Um Wh-who are you? This is Giselle, my wife.
I like your beard.
I like yours too.
Mmm.
Mm, mm.
Mmm.
Hmm.
I'll be upstairs.
So You wanna come upstairs? [Ida Maria's Oh My God.]
find a cure, find a cure for my life find a cure, find a cure for my life find a cure, find a cure for my life find a cure, find a cure for my life oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun find a cure, find a cure for my life put a price, put a price on my soul put a price, put a price on my soul build a wall, build a fortress round my heart oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun
Well, this guy just wrote me.
And his wife's pregnant.
They want to meet us! How'd your talk with Adam go? He is gonna be a terrific big brother to this baby.
Heh.
I'm about to go on tour.
You could join me as the flip-that-switch guy.
Oh, my God, yes! All: [Chanting.]
Flip that switch! Flip that switch! Flip that switch! Are we gonna see you tomorrow, Alexis? Most likely.
I'm running a gay phone sex business.
- Are you gay now? - No, I'm just talking the talk.
I just called Uncle Sean.
I'm gonna be, uh, staying over there for a few days.
Why? He's hosting his church group, Chez my place.
Hi, Ms.
Jamison.
I'm Jesse.
I'm his girlfriend.
I'm saving myself, but You can go in the other way.
[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just the game we play called life [Groans softly.]
- Aah! - [Shrieks.]
Oh, Jesus.
- Damn it.
- Andrea Is that how you wake up Mr.
J every morning? Well, where is he? He's in the shower.
I had to wake him up early for his talk in duluth and I just fell asleep waiting for him to get-- Oh, crap! Is that the time?! Mr.
J! We're gonna be late.
[Pounding on door.]
This is really cutting into my hotel jacuzzi time.
I gotta jump back in the shower.
I used this extra-strength hair gel, and my head feels like a fucking candy apple.
Hi, honey.
[Door shuts.]
Argh! [Sighs.]
[Clattering.]
Is that Adam? [Clanking.]
Adam? [Disappointed.]
Oh, hi.
Wow! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm raising your son now, but you look great.
Do you have any tomato sauce? Yeah, above the oven.
Just so we're clear Adam spending the past week with you does not qualify as you raising him.
- How is he? - Hungry.
The kid eats like a starving peasant.
You know, I feel like I spend all my time grocery shopping in your fridge or giving head on the phone.
I mean, where is the "me" in all this? I hope you're not taking calls in front of Adam.
I mean, I am trying to be supportive - your porn phone business.
- Yeah, don't worry, Cath.
I take all the fist fuck talk out back.
Okay, you need to send Adam home.
It's fine.
Probably good for you two to have a little separation.
He kind of hates you right now.
I'm gonna need some caffeine to continue this conversation.
[Mouth full.]
You know, even I have to admit, that kid is a handful.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know how you did it for 15 years.
Liquor and summer camp helped take the edge off.
Getting a new baby's gonna be a great excuse to double my drinking.
Speaking of new baby insanity, that's for you.
It's the crib Rebecca and I got for baby Cathy.
Good luck putting that fucker back together.
- Oh.
Hi, there.
- Hey, what's up, man? - Hi.
- So, uh, you're Cathy's baby daddy.
- Uh - Yeah, I gotta run.
I gotta feed my nephew before he chews his own lips off for breakfast.
- Oh! - Ohh, shit.
I knew it.
I'm overdressed.
Oh! Oh.
I am sorry about the pajamas.
Don't worry about it.
There were, like, three guys on the bus dressed the same way.
Here, this is for you.
It's, uh, Maxine's prenatal tests and stuff, which she totally aced.
Just don't ask us for our SAT scores.
Thanks.
Come on in.
I'm making coffee.
Great.
So, uh, Adam spends a lot of time with his uncle, huh? Yeah, well, you know, not all the time.
Just a few days here and there, but It's been a few days.
Adam kind of reminds me of me when I was his age.
I really wanted my independence, but for me, that meant running away and following around the band phish.
After about a month, even my tambourine smelled like pot.
- Hmm.
- Hey! Look who's here.
How you doing? Paul, what's up, man? You have time for a cup of coffee? - Absolutely.
- Wrong.
I googled the traffic, and it sucks.
We gotta go now.
I'm having early-onset road rage.
[Inhales sharply.]
Damn.
Wish me luck.
[Laughs.]
You don't need it, but good luck.
Be back at noon tomorrow.
Ababuo is extremely punctual, and I'm very much her bitch.
So I'll see you then.
Later, Dave.
Later.
So, uh What's all that? Oh, it's a crib.
Huh.
Looks comfy.
You're a contractor.
Can you fix it? Adam! Breakfast! You want honey-toasted diabetes or frosted obesity flakes? [Knocks.]
Adam? - Uhh! - [Gasps.]
[Rock music playing.]
Close the fucking door! Jesus Christ on a stick.
So how was the contractor business? Ah, it was frozen.
But it's cool.
People start hiring contractors in a couple months.
There's always a flurry of home renovations come spring.
Well, I'm definitely paying you for helping with the crib.
No, Cathy, save your money for Greenpeace.
I'm not a charity case.
Well, Greenpeace isn't gonna help me put the crib together.
And I'm sure things are tight for you and Maxine.
Okay You can pay me.
Now I feel like I stole from Greenpeace.
[Laughs.]
You know, obviously, none of this is gonna be here when we turn this into the nursery.
We're making a bedroom for Andrea in the basement.
She was upset about it till she found out she's gonna have her own bathroom.
[Both laugh.]
You know, I don't know why they didn't put a window in this wall.
It'd be so nice to have some southern exposure.
Oh, well.
I guess I'll just-- I'll just hang a picture of a big window and call it a day.
Wait, you-- I mean, you're fucking with me, right? I'm a-- I'm a contractor.
I can give you southern exposure.
With all the sunlight in here, that little baby's gonna have an amazing tan.
[Laughs.]
[Paul blabbering.]
Are you choking? Do you need me to punch you in the neck? - Joy taught me some vocal warm-ups so that I wouldn't stress my voice.
Well, it's stressing my ears.
Here's your tea.
- Paul? - Thank you.
I would like you to meet a dear friend of mine.
Rita Strauss.
How do I know that name? She's a film producer.
Oh, my God.
I know who you are.
Holy crap.
Your movies are awesome! Thank you.
I'm shooting another one on location outside of Duluth as we speak, but when I heard you were in town, I had to come and shake your hand.
I'm a huge fan, I just-- It's terrific meeting you.
Yes, it is terrific for me to meet you.
And this is his assistant, Ababuo.
- Ababuo.
- Saw you on the Oscars.
Whoever started playing that music to cut your speech off should be bitch slapped.
But at least you won.
[Laughing.]
Damn straight.
And did you see Harvey's face when I walked past him? It was like I shit in his dinner.
Oh, but let me tell you, Paul, I have been addicted to your blog ever since Jeri turned me on to it.
Thank you.
Who's Jeri? Oh! I have known Rita since before I changed my name and my life.
Paul, your story is amazing.
And--and complicated and funny.
An everyman confronting his wife's cancer and life's indignities with so much heart and humor.
I-- Every time I sit down and read your blog, I never know if I'm gonna be laughing or crying.
You should stay for the talk tonight.
- We can get Rita some vip seats-- - Oh, no, no, no, no.
I gotta get back to the set before Marty has a breakdown.
But joy and I have dinner reservations tomorrow, and you're coming with us.
I am? That sounds amazing.
I'll check with my wife.
No, you're not gonna turn me down, Paul.
Nobody turns me down.
Halle Berry tried to turn me down once.
You know what I told her? I said, "Fuck you, Halle! You're having dinner with me.
" She had grilled salmon and loved it.
- True story.
- Do you like Sherry, Paul? I'm not really a Sherry guy.
We're gonna have dinner and drink a shitload of Sherry.
And you're gonna tell me more about your life, your death, your life after your death.
I'm hooked! And I'm paying! You're coming.
- Bring the missus.
- Well, I-- - We love that! - I like her.
Bring her too.
I'll see you at dinner.
- You inscrutable little boob! - It's no big deal.
Do I have to remind you about the hooker and the crabs and the-- the shit storm you started last time you unleashed your pecker on the world? Hold it, Sean.
It's not like that.
I really like this girl.
It's-- We're just taking it slow.
Slow is kissing.
Or, if you're my client Doug, lightly dragging your scrotum across your partner's face.
Not what you were just doing.
Please tell me that you were at least using protection.
What for? We're not even having sex.
Jesse is saving herself.
So we're just doing it in the butt.
Great! Do you know how many butt-borne diseases there are out there? You better be wrapping that Johnson, mister.
And if that girl thinks she's not having sex, she's off her fucking nut.
Butt sex is the real deal.
There's a reason they don't call it butt not-sex.
It's our business.
She's okay with it.
Look, bottom line, pun intended, if she's saving the bush, don't touch the tush! [Sighs.]
Not only is the window gonna give you more light, but you're gonna get more heat in the winter and then you just get more ventilation come summer.
Look at that, you put the crib right over here, and you can rock her to sleep right over there.
That is, assuming she's a girl.
Shit.
Did you want to know what the sex was? 'Cause I may have accidentally just told you.
Heh.
It's a girl? Yeah.
She's gonna love her room.
Ha! [Machine gunfire on tv.]
Oh, you're home! - Hi, honey.
- Hi.
What are you watching? Oh, no.
Oh, how did your talk go? You only watch violent movies when you're upset.
[Tv beeps off.]
Au contraire, Cath.
I killed in Duluth.
I am having a Rita Strauss film festival as part of my extensive preparation for my upcoming dinner with Rita Strauss.
Who's Rita Strauss? Oh, man, she's a big Hollywood film producer.
Had a whole really gnarly war movie phase in the '80s.
Fucking brutal stuff.
And get this.
She reads my blog.
Called me an everyman.
Isn't that cool? Want to know something even cooler? What? Everyman's gonna have a baby daughter.
What? [Laughs.]
We have a little girl? Oh, my God.
Oh, wait, wait.
I've been waiting To open this with you.
It's Maxine's pregnancy file.
She's beautiful.
Oh.
What if we hire Dave To put a window in the nursery? He said he could do it really fast.
He sketched it all out.
It would be so nice for the baby.
A window, honey? I mean, but we don't even have a baby yet.
Why don't we wait till the baby gets here? She's right here, Paul.
Things are happening fast, and we have to be ready.
In fact, we have to get our paperwork organized for our meeting with the adoption lawyer tonight.
Paul, what? What is it? I told Rita Strauss that we'd have dinner with her tonight because she's only in town for one weekend.
Paul, that lawyer was doing us a favor by squeezing us in this weekend.
That was an important meeting.
Which is why we're still gonna have it.
Honey, this dinner's gonna be a lot of fun.
It's gonna be you and me and Joy and-- And Rita Strauss and Ababuo.
I bought a jacket.
I bought a special jacket just for the dinner.
But you know what, sweetie? I will do whatever you want.
I will totally frickin' cancel it.
You want me to cancel it? I'm not kidding.
She's probably got a private jet.
She can come back whenever she wants.
No, no.
We'll go.
Oh, thanks, 'cause I didn't really know her number.
I was fake dialing it.
- [On radio.]
Construction on I-94 has shut down the two left lanes in both directions and caused quite a gridlock in the Twin Cities.
You might want to take surface streets-- Hey, Kirby? Northbound I-35 is moving slowly.
Cars averaging It's not looking much better southbound, thanks to an overturned big rig-- Can I have a pint of, uh I don't know, something good? I don't actually work here.
- I just was the-- the traffic report was a buzz kill, and the bartender's in the loo.
- Ah.
- But I do, I recommend the Fuller's London pride.
Tastes like butterfinger.
Well, then, uh, I'll take two.
On the condition you join me for one, uh - Alexis.
- Peter.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks for the offer, Peter, but I'm seeing someone.
Lucky guy.
Yeah, well We'll see how it goes.
It's new.
He's a contractor.
The sexy thing about him, he can look at a plain ol' house and see how amazing it could be with just a little work.
- Hmm.
- I've dated so many man-boys.
They talk a good game, but they don't want to put the fucking work in.
This time in my life I'm looking for less talk and more action.
Shit, that is good.
Yeah, don't forget to tip your server.
Oh.
Uh, if things don't work out with your contractor guy, give me a call.
What's it gonna take for you to come around? what's it gonna make now? what's it gonna take for you to turn around? Cheers.
[Man on speakerphone.]
I like squeezing those perky nipples of yours.
Wow, that's hot.
That is really hot.
I'm licking your nipples, Willy.
I'm sucking on them.
[Door slams.]
You like that, Willy, huh? Uh, no! No, not you, Tim.
I like it.
Get out! Not you, Tim.
Stay there.
I'm gonna bite down on those nipples like hairy little gummi bears.
Oh, that's nasty! What? You-- you don't like that? No, I-- oh Son of a dick! - Are you okay, Willy? - No! I'm trying to-- I'm trying to make pizza from scratch, and it's a pain in my ass.
It's my My sex maniac nephew's favorite, and if I don't make his favorite fucking food, he gets all moody.
You know I wanted him to taste real food that isn't a fucking biohazard just once in his life.
[Sighs.]
Wow, Tim, I'm--- I'm sorry for my professional lapse.
I believe you were sucking on my nipples? You're making pizza? Mm.
I'm from New York.
Pizza's my religion.
[Chuckles.]
Talk me through what you're doing.
I can help.
- Really? - Trust me.
Your nephew's gonna go nuts.
- So, uh, you're from New York? - Mm-hmm.
- What part? - Well, I grew up in Brooklyn.
Hey, sis.
Whoa, you look shiny.
We're having dinner with a real Hollywood producer.
- Paul met her-- - I don't really give a shit.
I need to borrow a pair of Paul's socks for a client meeting.
Adam tried to do our laundry, and now all my socks are pink and size two.
Okay, wait a minute.
I'm confused.
You're-- you're meeting a client in person.
- Uh-huh.
- Does this mean you're a male prostitute now? Jesus, Cathy.
I just gotta get out of the house and have a drink with somebody who isn't 16 years old.
Tim happens to be an excellent conversationalist with whom I have a lot in common.
Well, this is really new territory for me.
You know, I've never been "Sean" with any of my gentlemen callers before.
You think he'll like me? If he liked Willy Wanker, how high can the bar be? Cathy, I've read your husband's blog.
I feel like I know you already.
Oh, it is so wonderful to meet you.
I-- I don't really follow the movie industry, but I googled you, and You produced two of my favorite movies last year.
- Well - You're responsible for a lot of tears being shed in my family.
Mostly by me.
[Laughter.]
Rita's a fucking genius.
- [Laughing.]
Well - Well, heh.
Well, I'm not a fucking genius.
I'm just a fucking high school teacher.
[Laughs loudly.]
You did not tell me she was so funny.
Oh, yeah, you'd be surprised by this lady.
She's dynamite.
Well, I just have to say, for the record, that I think schoolteachers are the real fucking heroes of this country.
- Hear, hear.
- I will drink to that.
Oh, good, good.
Have some Sherry.
No, thank you.
I cannot get your story out of my head, Paul.
I re-read your blog last night.
- All of it? - Riveting, right? Beyond.
Have you ever thought about selling your life rights? Excuse me? I want to make a movie based on your life.
Holy shit.
I could put this project together in a heartbeat.
DiCaprio is looking for a true life story to star in.
He wants to play a regular, honest, everyday guy.
I talked to him about it this morning.
He love the idea.
Loves.
[Chuckling.]
This is unbelievable.
That's terrific, honey.
And I'm flying to Vegas with Sandy next week, so I'll float this by her.
Who's Sandy? Bullock.
Sandy Bullock.
She's a little chatty, but she's a real peach.
- Shit.
- And I think this material's really gonna resonate with her.
I mean, who doesn't want to play DiCaprio's wife? I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.
Actually, I did.
[Forced laugh.]
I-- I'm sorry, are you-- You're gonna-- You're gonna ask Sandra Bullock to play me? Who's asking? She'll do it.
She owes me-- I gave her a fucking horse when she moved down to her ranch.
Ha! [Laughing.]
Hey, who's gonna play Mr.
Jamison's fly assistant, because I have some ideas.
Beyonce, Queen Latifah, and Meryl Streep 'cause that bitch can play anybody.
[Laughs loudly.]
I love you.
[Laughing.]
And you just never know which callers are gonna be old-fashioned romantics and which ones are gonna like wearing diapers and getting spanked.
[Laughs.]
It's all good.
Speaking as a psychotherapist, I can relate to freaky clients.
Hmm.
Speaking as a psychotherapist, can you tell I'm medicated? No, but if this is you on meds, I think you made a good choice.
Oh, yeah? Tell me about your choice.
You know, calling a gay phone sex line.
What about it? I'm honest with myself.
I know what my needs are, and I know how to get them met.
I like you, doctor.
How 'bout another round? Sure.
Um, Tim, you seem really great.
Um, so I'm just gonna come out and say this.
In real life, I'm straight.
Why did you feel the need to tell me that? You know, I just didn't want there to be any Misunderstandings.
Sean, it's fine.
This isn't a date.
It's beer.
Well, here's to beer.
Who wants some more Sherry? - Oh.
- This stuff is amazing.
You know, I don't think I've ever really appreciated the virtues of a good fortified-- Whoops-- Wine.
Mm, Cathy I'm gonna want to get you together with Sandy.
She's very method.
She's gonna want to study you and your mannerisms.
You gals can go have a spa day together.
Get to know each other.
- Whoa.
- It would be An honor to have such a talented actress, you know, deal with my son's second-grade chicken pox, and Paul's Memorial Day '97 rugby concussion, and my brother trying to swim down the Mississippi naked.
Very high drama.
Those moments are gonna make her last words so poignant.
Sandy's told me a million times, she said, "I've never done a death scene.
" [Laughing.]
"I'm dying to die.
" - Is that true? - It is.
Wow.
Excuse me? The final moment is going to be so powerful.
But she's not dead.
Oh, honey, it's called dramatic license.
Plus, we all know there isn't a cure for this.
Oh, well, thank you, Dr.
Rita.
You know, with all due respect, I should be your research.
I am far from dead.
Cathy's in a clinical trial.
And they're looking for a cure.
And she's good.
It's gonna be good.
Yeah, but the movie has to end somehow.
This is Hollywood, guys.
That's the way it works.
She really have to die? [Scoffs.]
People like happy endings.
That's why they go to the movies, right? Terms of Endearment, Titanic, Gladiator.
Common denominator, death.
And huge box office.
Oh, I'm sorry, but my life is-- Is not for you to twist around to make a buck or win an award.
Cathy, let's try to find the joy in this.
Okay, you can take your joy, and you can shove it.
And you, you can kill somebody else off in a movie.
[Receding footsteps.]
[Whispering.]
Honey.
Honey, honey.
That woman wants to kill me! Honey, to be fair, she wants to kill Sandra Bullock-- Sandy.
And if we let her, the real Cathy Jamison is gonna be rollin' in the dough.
The issue is not the money here, Paul.
The issue is my future, which I happen to believe in.
I don't want them making a movie about my dying while I'm trying to stay alive.
Every time someone sees it, I'll die.
Get them to change the names! When I do die, it's gonna be once.
And it's not gonna be in front of the whole world with everyone saying, "oh, she died so much better in the movie.
" Honey, this project could make a really big difference for us.
I mean, what's the big deal? They just want to use our family as, like, a jumping off point.
We're the trampoline.
We're just a big trampoline.
It's not just about our lives, Paul.
It's our son's.
And our daughter's! Have you forgotten? We're adopting a baby! Well, why do you think I want to do this so badly, honey? Our family's the reason for everything that I do.
Then why are you dragging your feet to see the adoption lawyer? Oh, I know.
Oh, I know, I know.
I know You've been really busy.
And yet, somehow, you found the time to buy that new jacket to impress your new a-list friends.
And yet, you have the nerve to tell me not to spend money on a nursery for a baby that's already on the way? Do you even want this baby, Paul? What? Honey, yes.
I have a lot going on right now.
Yeah, the timing kind of sucks.
And maybe, in a perfect world, no, we wouldn't be having a baby right now.
I want this baby, Paul! I'm gonna take a cab home.
[Chuckles.]
Wait.
Jesse, look, I don't want to make you feel like you have to do things with me in order for me to like you.
[Scoffs.]
I don't feel like I have to do anything.
I only do what I want.
Yeah, but, look, I know you're saving yourself, and that makes me want to save myself too.
But my uncle says the stuff we're doing is sex.
No, it's not.
Sex is for procreation between married people.
We're not procreating.
Yeah, but if we were two dudes doing the same thing, wouldn't we be going to hell? Do I look like a dude to you? Look, when I'm unsure about something, I pray to God for guidance.
[Chuckles.]
Dear lord Please grant us the wisdom to make righteous choices and stay on the path of virtue.
Teach us to love each other in a way that glorifies your name.
I guess it'd be kind of weird for me to call Willy wanker now.
Oh, we can grab a beer again sometime.
Beer isn't weird.
Unless it's light, non-alcoholic, or amish.
What if it's wine? Cheers.
Cheers.
This is, uh, this is a nice pad, Tim.
Not nearly as shrinky as I expected.
And yet I feel an overwhelming sense of mental well-being.
And I won't even kick you out after 50 minutes.
[Both chuckle.]
You got Oh.
[Clears throat.]
Um, no, Tim Um Uh, Tim Hmm? Mm Yeah.
[Whispers.]
Holy fuck.
Wha-- Where did you come from? This must be Sean.
Yeah.
Um Wh-who are you? This is Giselle, my wife.
I like your beard.
I like yours too.
Mmm.
Mm, mm.
Mmm.
Hmm.
I'll be upstairs.
So You wanna come upstairs? [Ida Maria's Oh My God.]
find a cure, find a cure for my life find a cure, find a cure for my life find a cure, find a cure for my life find a cure, find a cure for my life oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun find a cure, find a cure for my life put a price, put a price on my soul put a price, put a price on my soul build a wall, build a fortress round my heart oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun oh, my God, oh, you think I'm in control oh, my God, oh, you think it's all for fun