The Big C (2010) s04e02 Episode Script
You Can't Take It with You
Previously on The Big C You're failing chemistry? Over my dead body are you not graduating on time.
Here you go, guys.
Jeez.
You okay? How are you doing? I just have my next round of chemo in four days.
I hate feeling bad all the time.
I can't pollute, I give a hoot.
So I made the bartering deal of the century, and I got us this pedicab.
Lydia is your new tutor.
I'll try to make this a painless process.
Tell me about college life.
I'm just not feeling it yet.
Do you wanna move back here? Paul asked me for a divorce before I passed out in Puerto Rico.
So the way I see it, he's just waiting for me to die to move on, which on some level, I respect.
But then, he wants me to stay positive, so I'll live.
I think I need to quit chemo.
Would that be okay with you? What do you think? Do I look like a Dixie chick? I'd say chick-esque.
- Hmm.
- Hmm? I mean, it's so sad.
I bought this, I never even wore it once.
That's why I collect experiences over things.
Yeah, I'm worried you're collecting mites.
How long till you shave that thing? It's my completely organic, semi-permanent winter neck warmer.
So no time soon.
Fine, keep the beard, but I want you to do something for me.
- My dermatologist.
- Ugh.
Make an appointment, get yourself checked out.
And before you go on some diatribe about how much you hate the medical institution, just consider how much it would mean to me to know that you won't be going through what I'm going through.
Eh, I'll think about it.
Jeez.
What blew up in here? Spring cleaning.
- It's November.
- Yeah, well I have so much energy since I stopped chemo, and I don't wanna leave all this stuff for you and dad to deal with, so - Wanna help? - Uh, that's tempting, but I have school unless you want me to quit.
No, you go to school.
- W when is that chemistry test? - It's on Friday.
And I'm meeting with Lydia later.
Oh, I like that tutor chick of yours.
She's got that whole nerdy geisha thing going on.
Oh, my Hermes scarf.
Hermes, for real? Yeah.
It was a gift from these rich parents of one of my students.
It always made me feel just so Jackie O.
I doubt Jackie O pranced around like that.
Oh, look, don't you laugh.
You wore this almost as much as I did.
- What, no no, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- Ooh, girl.
- You called it your "flag tie.
" You used to you used to love to rub the silk against your "wittle" nose.
I was probably just rubbing away a booger - or something.
- Okay.
Do me a favor and put that out in the car.
Okay.
Has anybody seen my green dress shirt? I wanna wear it in Detroit.
- See ya, dad.
Love you.
- Take care of your mom, buddy.
- I'll see you in a couple days.
- Okay.
Amber claims to have picked it up from the dry cleaner before she went on vacation, but I can't find it.
Uh, Paul.
Will this work? For my radio show, maybe.
Oh, my God.
Is this what I think it is? Aw.
God, I was so skinny.
I remember that.
I bet I could get good money for this.
You can't throw this away.
Says the woman who burned her matrimonial frock in a trash can.
I did it to erase a bad memory.
Is that why you wanna do it, Cath? - To erase a bad memory? - No.
No, I'll always have the memories.
I'll always have the pictures.
It's just I mean, I don't need the dress.
It's just clothes.
Hey, I happen to be basing an entire career on "just clothes.
" Now if you'll excuse me, I have to turn in some "just clothes" designs to sir Isaac Mizrahi.
Wow, your teacher's a knight? - No, he's fashion royalty.
- Damn straight.
He's my visiting Professor this semester.
Safe flight.
- See ya, love.
- Bye, Paulie.
See ya, buddy.
Hey, Paul.
Do you think you'll get married again? Why would you ask me that? Just wondering, that's all.
Well, don't.
It's morbid.
I think you should.
Despite our conflict resolution issues, you're good married.
You're good and morbid.
I will see you on Friday.
Oh, my God.
This is a great top.
Aw.
I just I love all the little flowers.
Ah.
Only worn once.
I can take these.
And the rest, you can have back.
Ii don't want them back.
I'm divesting.
So just make me an offer for the whole lot.
Lowball me, I'll take it.
I only take what I can sell, doll.
Here.
What do you mean? There's some great pieces in here.
I mean, look.
Honestly, people used to stop me on the street about this skirt.
And note there's a there's an Hermes scarf.
- You have an Hermes? - Yeah.
Where is it? I must have dropped it.
Fine.
I will donate it.
Oh.
You okay, doll? I can't feel my leg.
He says it's pressing on my frontal lobe.
It can cause partial paralysis, among other things.
Well, what other things? I don't know behavioral changes, you know, memory loss, judgment.
Oh, it sounds like my 20s.
Oh, I don't remember my 20s.
Well, look, try to remember this.
Thursday night is "Night of a thousand stars.
" I wanna go to the park and watch for falling stars, like we did when we were kids.
We were miserable doing that.
That's because mom and dad fought all the time.
But guess what, mom and dad aren't invited.
Hey, did you ever call the dermatologist? Oh, not yet.
Look, you do my thing, I'll do yours.
All right, fine.
Oh, please tell me this isn't all they have.
Excuse me.
You don't, by chance, have a cane with a carved wooden bird in it? Yeah, or a serpent head with jewel eyes? We don't sell those here.
That is what I'd recommend, very sturdy.
Thank you.
I think we'll keep looking.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna shuffle around on one of those things like some old ma kettle.
Oh, it looks like it's gonna rain.
Here, I'll go get the pedi.
You have a seat.
Mrs.
silvers, your prescription is ready for pickup, Mrs.
Silvers.
Three, two, one.
- Time.
- What? No, there's no way that was 40 minutes.
Ugh.
Sorry.
You almost passed this time.
What? Look, that's bullshit, okay? There's no way I can remember all that stuff.
Acetate is C-2-H-3-O-2-minus or C-H-3-C-O-O.
Iron is a group eight metal and therefore a transition element.
H-C-2-H-3-O-2 is a weak acid that partily ionizes in an aqueous solution.
And ozone depletion is caused by chlorofluorocarbons, a set of compounds that contain only chlorine, fluorine, carbon, know collectively as freon.
Jesus.
You're like a robot.
How do you remember all this stuff? I study a lot.
Wait, when do you have time to hang out with friends? My mom doesn't really approve of hanging out.
What, at all? Jesus.
I'd go crazy if I couldn't see my friends.
That's because you're popular.
I gotta go.
I volunteer at an animal shelter on Tuesday nights.
That's awesome.
So you like animals? No.
But I want to get into Harvard.
I made up some sample test questions.
You might want to stay in tonight and work on 'em.
Okay, cool.
Thanks for this Shit.
So how are you handling your new symptoms? The crazy thing is that, with the exception of my limp, I feel like my old self.
I mean, you know, it's funny.
I now that I stopped trying to get better, I feel better.
So no regrets about stopping treatment? - None at all.
- Mm.
Is that bad? Why would that be bad? I don't want people to feel like I've given up.
Why not? Because I don't wanna let them down.
By dying? By leaving before they're ready.
I wanna make sure all my loose ends are tied up.
I wanna make sure there's a plan in place, so everyone will be okay.
And what about you? - What about me? - Well, you.
Where do you fit into this plan? I don't.
I mean I'm gonna be gone, remember? How does that make you feel? Well, it's not like I haven't been prepared for this for a long time.
My tumors are growing.
I know what that means.
When the doctor told me, I thought, "okay.
It's happening.
Don't fight it.
" Wow.
That is very evolved of you.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Can you be evolved in a bad way? Can you? You're annoying.
Look, Cathy, I'm happy that you're feeling up right now.
You deserve to feel that way.
And you are very evolved.
It's just that in my experience, people who are going through what you are going through and feel all good can sometimes be thrown a curve-ball.
So just be Prepared to catch it? Not surprised if it hits you in the face.
Mom, did two guys just steal your dresser? No, no.
Hated it.
Don't need it.
Sold it.
Whoa, mom, what happened to your leg? I'm, uh I'm just having some paralysis.
Because of where the tumors are pressing on your brain? Uh, yeah.
How'd you know that? Just looked it up on the Internet.
You know, if you ever have any questions, you can always come to me and ask, right? So does it hurt? No, no.
No, it's just, uh you know, it's just kinda numb.
You know, like it doesn't belong to my body.
Dr.
Sherman said that other than the peg leg aspect, I'm doing pretty good.
Uh, I thought I would make salmon for dinner tonight.
Brain food to help you study for your test, okay? Yeah.
Lydia, look.
You gotta help me, okay? There's no way I'm gonna be ready for this chem test.
I can come over tonight if you wanna add another session.
Or, okay, I could just I could say that I'm gonna take my mom to, like, a doctor's appointment or something, and then you could just tell me what's on the test later.
You want me to cheat for you? No, I don't you don't have to give me the answers.
No, I'll just look those up myself.
It's still cheating.
No, it's not I'll pay you.
I'll pay you whatever you want.
Lydia, look.
I cannot bring a shitty grade home to my mom.
Maybe if you spent a little less time hanging out and a little more time studying, you wouldn't be in this predicament.
Okay, thanks.
Jesus.
Hello, Detroit.
We are back.
Stan the morning man here, sitting live in the studio with none other than the "Flip That Switch" doctor himself, Paul Jamison.
So glad to have you on the show.
Thank you very much.
I'm thrilled to be here.
I love waking up to random applause.
Yes! Listen, we all know that you've been on tour the past few days.
You gave a lecture downtown last night? That's right, at the lovely Fillmore.
And two more tonight one at 6:00, another at 8:00 at the Royal Hotel.
And my producer actually gave me a copy of your upcoming lectures.
And we're gonna plug that in just a minute.
You know, I have to say, I can't get over this schedule.
You are a busy bee.
Yes, uh, it's hectic.
You know, but I gotta say, meeting the fans, hearing their stories, you know, it keeps me going 'cause they touch me.
Just the cute ones, I hope.
I'm just kidding.
Listen.
We all know how dedicated you are to your wife.
How is she doing, by the way? You know, it's been tough, but, uh, let me tell ya, she's a trooper, real trooper.
Glad to hear it.
That big "C" can be a real bitch.
So does she mind you doing all this traveling? Oh, we're in sync.
You know, she she understands.
She's down with it.
She You know what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder.
" - Yeah.
- And I'm sure you two really work it out when you get back home, right? Yeah, we, uh we check in, we do.
I'll bet you do.
Hey, can you tell our listeners how you two stay so connected? Hold that thought, Dr.
Paul.
We're gonna be right back after this short break.
Dude, it's radio.
You kinda gotta talk.
Oh.
I'm running out of sound effects here.
Could I little water.
Could I just can we get some water? So this is a Cockwork oOrange meets Planet of the Apes.
Two movies that should never go together, except here, they work.
I like it.
No kidding, I want it.
I really do.
I wanna buy that.
Seriously, holler to Hollis.
Okay.
Who's next? Oh, Andrea.
Um, you know what? Why don't we hear from the class first? I don't mind the simple lines.
I just think the colors are Yawno-rama, right? I mean, I feel bad for the girl who has to wear these clothes.
I mean, talk about not wanting to be noticed.
She's all wall and no flower.
Okay, I think I've enthralled you all enough for one day.
Go forth and be fabulous.
Uh, except you.
Um, I'm a little concerned about the work you've been handing in lately.
I worked really hard on those sketches.
I know, but there's, like, a sparkle missing that I saw in your admission portfolio.
I mean, granted, that portfolio relied very heavily on the sort of liberace bedazzled and feathered thing.
But those sketches, they were fun.
They had a point of view.
What happened? I have a friend, and she's really sick.
And I think she's gonna die soon, and I I guess it just sucked the sparkle out of me.
I'm really sorry.
I don't know what to say.
If you think this class is too much for you right now, - maybe you should drop it.
- Well Think about it.
Okay, bye.
I've reconsidered your offer.
I realized that the answer lies in the basic physics tenet that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Lydia, I honestly have no idea what you're saying, okay? I'll help you cheat if you take my virginity.
W w what? Don't worry.
It's not because I'm into you or anything.
I just don't wanna start college next year being the geek with a hymen.
And since I don't have time to meet people outside school and you have a reputation for this sort of thing, I figured this might be my best and only option for sex.
Plus, it seemed like a fair trade, so are you in or out? Ah, looks like it's snowing paper.
Sorry, I'm just working on sketches for class.
Oh, for sir Isaac, I presume.
Yeah.
It doesn't look like it's going very well.
Well, everything I come up with is either "yawn-o-rama" or "reductive" whatever the hell that means.
Basically, I suck.
Well, I know for a fact that's not true.
You just need to get out of your head, that's all.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Lydia, hi.
I didn't know you two were getting together tonight.
I thought you had a session yesterday.
Adam wanted to add another one before our chem test tomorrow.
- Really? - Yeah.
Adam, I am so proud of all the hard work you're doing.
Thanks.
So, yeah, we should probably, you know, get to work, so - Uh - Uh Okay.
Cool hat, Mrs.
Jamison.
- Oh, here.
- Oh.
It's yours.
Thanks.
And there's some banana bread in the fridge if you want a snack later.
- Cool.
- Okay.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Shooting stars await.
Oh, I was hoping you'd forgotten.
Well, wait, how was the dermatologist? For the record, that was much more of a full body grope than a scan.
Never had someone spend so much time under my balls.
- And? - And, uh, nothing.
I I got the all clear.
Really? Good.
I'm so relieved.
Come on.
I wanna stake out a place before all the prepster dipshits blanket the park in cashmere and, uh and cheese wheels.
What's all this? I just wanna look up some stuff before we do anything.
Or, you know, I could just show you how it works.
- You know? - Please, I know how it works.
But according to my research, a lot of women say they have a bad first experience.
I like to get things right on the first try.
Coming through.
Come on.
I, uh I wanna find a really good place to sit, for optimal viewing.
No, actually, I think we can watch them from right here.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I wanna do this the right way, come on.
Let's go.
There you go.
Okay.
Oh! Jesus.
You okay? Cath? Mmm.
This tastes so good.
Thanks.
I'll tell my mom.
According to this site, the coital alignment technique has the highest percentage of vaginal orgasm at 39%.
Whereas the reverse cowgirl, which claims only a 28% chance of success, ranks higher on the intensity scale by almost 50%.
But if both are combined with digital stimulation, the numbers go way up.
God.
You make it sound like chemistry.
It kinda is.
You know, the science behind making a baby is actually extraordinary.
You know, how many things need to be aligned in order for it to happen.
You know, it's a miracle if it ever works.
And who knew the vagina was, like, a tube, you know, and the vulva was, like, the outside part? Um, me.
Okay, besides you.
I forget you know everything.
I can't help it.
I'm a genius.
No, you're a robot.
I am Lydia.
I know everything.
I remember everything I ever read.
Shut up.
So should we, like - Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Ah.
Oh! Aah, okay.
This rarely ever happens after I've done this much prep, but I've changed my mind, I can't do this.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
As much as I wanna get it over with, it just doesn't feel right.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's totally cool.
Don't worry about it.
You don't have to look so relieved.
No, but seriously, Lydia, look.
Your first time should be special.
You'll remember it forever.
So I guess we better get back to work then.
Yeah.
You've got a lot to memorize by tomorrow.
Remember Failure is not an option.
Those aren't alien gun noises.
You have to be like Pew! Pew! Pew! Whatever.
- Oh.
- Ow.
Of course I scrape the one leg that still has feeling.
- You'll live.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
All right, come on.
You ready to get moving? Ow, ow.
Sean, stop it.
No, I am not walking.
All right, then.
I'll just have to carry you.
Sean, no Sean, stop it! Sean, I'm not kidding.
Oh, come on, Cathy, make this - a little easier for me.
- No! I don't wanna make it easier.
Put me down! Cathy Cathy, you're gonna God damn it.
What is your problem? My problem is this forced march you have me on with two bad legs.
What is so important about watching some stupid falling stars that we can see from anywhere? Because I thought it would be fun! Maybe we'd see another falling star.
You wished on one for a bike once.
And mom got you that blue ten-speed for Christmas, remember? And they never got us anything good.
- I know what you're doing.
- What? The last time you grew out your beard was for ultimate frisbee in college.
You spent two years looking like a freak because you thought, if you shaved, your team would lose.
And we didn't, for two whole years.
Look.
You're caught up in some superstitious O.
C.
D.
thing, and it's not gonna work for me.
I'm dying, Sean.
And growing beards and wishing on shooting stars is not gonna change that.
Y you don't know.
Yeah, I do.
Jesus.
It's so unfair.
I spent the last 15 years of my life outside, baking in the sun.
And your dermatologist couldn't find one stupid mole on me.
But that's good.
No, it isn't.
It's not good, Cath.
Why not me? No one would miss me.
Except maybe you, and you'd get over it.
Mm-mm.
I'd give you my brain, if I could.
I don't want your brain.
You're such a fucking bitch.
You won't be disappointed.
I already am.
Hey, Marcy, been awhile.
How's Doug? Well, he passed two weeks ago, Frank.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
What, uh what happened? Kidney failure.
He was on dialysis for 12 years waiting for a donor kidney, but Oh, my God.
- Sean.
- Look.
I wanted to know if I could return these.
They haven't been opened yet.
Sure.
Oh, hey.
You're home early.
Yeah, a little change of plan.
- How was Detroit? - It was fine.
I mean, morning DJs, they're just, like, you know, they're these fake people made out of steroids and caffeine, you know? You have a cane? I go away for two days, and I come back, and you're walking with a cane? Well, the sad part is that you cannot get a cane with a bird carved in it in this town, no matter how much you're willing to spend.
No.
The sad part is that I wasn't here, and I should've been.
Paul, I No, I want you to go on with your life.
What, are you gonna try and sell me a new wife again? Oh, oh.
Funny that you mention that.
I wanna show you something.
It's a website where where people who have lost their spouses to cancer can meet other people who have lost their spouses to cancer.
It's called Chapter 2.
See, that's the exact opposite of what I wanna talk to you about.
Wait.
No, no, no.
I just I ju I want you to look at it with me 'cause it's so sweet.
I mean, some of the stories are just fantastic.
All the way home, all I could think about is how far apart we've gotten, you know? Maybe a lot of it's my fault, maybe all of it.
But with the time that we have left, I wanna figure out how to find my way back to you.
And I just I don't appreciate you pushing me away like this.
I'm not.
This is how I want to get close to you, by talking about your future and Adam's future, which I'm not gonna be in much longer.
Stop it.
I mean, you First the clothes and now this? You're giving everything away, even me.
- You're freaking me out, honey.
- Why? I have always over-prepared for every trip I've ever taken.
I I want you to help me, to talk about this.
I I need you to hear me say that it's okay to move on.
Good luck.
Start now.
Okay, I'll bite.
Why are you on my computer? Uh, I engage with technology in service of a greater good.
But apparently I have been cock-blocked by the establishment.
As of a couple hours ago, I've been trying to give something away on, uh, Craigslist, where you can give away your free underwear if you want.
But they just told me that I've been shut down.
My ad's been flagged for removal, the censoring bastards.
No offense, but what do you have to give away? Oh, my spare kidney.
I listed it under "free stuff.
" - I had a ton of takers.
- You're kidding here, right? No.
No, no, no.
My kidneys and I are quite serious.
I got the idea from that woman at the medical supply store whose husband just died waiting for a transplant.
It hit me, Cath.
A guy like me could've saved his life, easy.
So after I dropped you off, I swung by the public library.
I got on the one computer not being used by homeless guys for porn Kidneys are major organs, Sean.
I mean, what if you give one away, and then something happens to the one you have left? What if Adam needs a kidney? Then you won't be able to help.
Oh, by that time, they'll be able to grow 'em in petri dishes.
No, I just think in a world of shallow and meaningless gestures, this was my chance to truly help someone, right now.
I admire the impulse.
But there are ways to help a stranger that doesn't involve surgery.
You've been giving stuff away lately.
- Have I been critical of you? - Apples and oranges, Sean.
To you, maybe.
My kidneys and I, however, shall persevere.
I just think in a world that can connect people with everything from hubcaps to hand jobs, I gotta be able to find someone in renal failure.
Oh, I love the pinstripe.
I also love the hardware.
It's very butch, and I love it.
Good work.
Um, see me after class.
I'm making some tea.
Do you want some? Hey, come here.
I wanna show you something.
Okay, but you have to promise to keep an open mind and not get angry.
Always open, never angry.
I did a profile of you on that website.
Now you never have to use it, of course.
I just you know, I'm just having fun.
Didn't we already have this conversation? Look, I'm using an alias.
And F.
Y.
I.
, you're sounding like quite a catch.
- Nice picture.
- Yeah.
I took it after one of Adam's soccer games.
All joking aside, I'm not doing this.
So maybe you should stop doing it too.
You're a man who needs to be married.
Trust me on this, I know you.
- I'm gonna be a lone wolf.
- Okay.
You do better when you have someone in your life.
When I think about your future and I picture you alone, it's sad and lonely and filled with fast food and no reason to use deodorant.
And when I picture you with someone, now I see laughter and hand-holding and a long and happy life.
And besides, Adam's gonna need a positive female influence.
And he will have that, the way that God and nature intended him to, with an older girlfriend.
Okay, this is what I wrote.
"I'm tall, over 6 feet.
I like playing rugby and enjoy spending quality time with my teenage son.
" "I have a creative soul.
" - Oh, that's nice.
- Mm-hmm.
"And I love great conversation and good dinners at home.
" I like eating out.
You like eating, you hate eating out.
Why would you say that I don't like to swim? - I love to swim.
- No, you you despise it.
It irritates your eczema.
Favorite movie? Star Wars The Big Lebowski.
Shit.
You're right.
You see? This is why we have to do this together.
Because I know you better than you know you.
You do.
Wow.
I haven't seen someone look so scared since vera wang thought she gained 2 pounds.
Relax, okay? I asked you to stay because I wanted to show you that.
That's a killer coffin.
That's the point.
I mean, death doesn't have to be dowdy.
Look at the Egyptians, they knew how to make it shine.
I'm sorry about your friend.
But if you're gonna be an artist, you have to learn to tap into what's going on in your life.
I have done some of my best collections after being dumped by some very hot boyfriends.
Trust me.
This is not the time to give up on your vision.
It's the time to find it, work it.
But it's bleak, Mr.
Mizrahi.
Isaac.
Here, take this home, okay? And just study and look at how the Egyptians met tragedy with style and a ton of gold leaf.
And you do some sketches that are gonna knock my limited edition socks off.
- Okay? - Thank you.
Wow.
That was amazing.
I don't even feel like falling asleep like I usually do.
Maybe it's 'cause it's the afternoon.
Afternoon delight.
Afternoon nookie.
Oh, my God! You are such a stud.
Look at all these messages from widow dates.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
There's a woman named Brenda who wants to have coffee with you.
Two kids.
She owns her own travel agency.
She's cute.
Well, I think you should meet her.
You can't have sex with me and then set me up with another woman.
It's twisted.
- What kind of wife would do that? - A very good one.
Look, maybe us working on my online profile together was a weird sort of a a turn-on.
But that's as far as it's gonna go.
- Okay, honey? - No, sh she's perfect for you.
She does yoga.
She has a home in Stillwater.
I mean, I wanna be friends with her.
But don't you realize how how wrong this is? You're still alive.
I should not be on this website.
Well, you can tell her I'm still around if it makes you feel better.
None of this makes me feel any better.
Baby steps, Paul.
Baby steps.
No, really, I have heard it all, and you win the most generous fucking wife of the year award.
Congratulations.
No, but this is the man who I know better than any other person in the world, who I've known longer than any other person - Mm-hmm.
- Except for Sean and my dad, but that's different.
And there is this it's a deep love.
It's not always passionate.
It's not always a walk at the beach.
But we chose each other, and we stayed together.
And now that I'm looking at the finish line of my own life, I wanna be his partner right to the end.
And that means finding his next partner.
And knowing Paul as I do, I think I'm the best person for the job.
And really, it doesn't bother you, this life that he's gonna have with someone else? I mean, that would drive a lot of women crazy, including me.
Oh, I have other things to worry about.
Will my other leg go numb? What about my arms? Will I go blind? That stuff scares the shit out of me.
Are you disorganizing my kitchen? No.
I'm making it cane-friendly.
I'm moving all your favorite coffee cups next to the machine, so you don't have to shuffle back and forth.
I'm doing the pots and pans next.
No, you're not.
Because you have a date.
Excuse me? Remember Brenda from Chapter 2 who wanted to have coffee? I told her yes.
You're meeting her at the pastry place on Lyndale in half an hour.
- I'm not going.
- Yes, you are.
Honey, open up your computer, and you tell Brenda that I'm not gonna meet her now or ever.
She's already hired a sitter.
I'm trying to enjoy my relationship with my very alive wife, who's just crossed such a strange line.
I don't have her phone number, Paul.
If you don't go now, you're standing up a widow.
Lydia, B-plus! Dude, I knew you could do it! Yeah, suck it, chemistry! Nice to meet the man behind the profile.
I'm so sorry that I'm late.
Oh, please, I'm usually the one that's late.
There, now you know, runs late.
I hope you don't mind, I've ordered some dessert.
I'm starving, and I love sugar.
There, now you see more of my foibles.
I got two forks that you would be complicit Brenda, you seem like a really nice woman.
And I don't wanna waste your time, so I'm just gonna dive right in here.
I need to apologize.
Not usually how these things begin.
This whole thing was my wife's idea my alive wife.
You're married? Yeah.
Of course you are.
Yes, of course.
- Of course.
- You know, she found the website.
And she filled out the profile.
And, um, you know, she has cancer, you know? Going to die of cancer.
And I think she just she just wants to know that I'm gonna be okay.
I'm so sorry.
I'm very embarrassed.
And even if she weren't still here, I don't know if I could do this.
I've been a widow for ten years.
It was five before I could even think about going on a date.
Yeah, well I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
Yeah.
She likes you very much.
Loves your profile, wishes you could be friends.
How fucked up is that? One cheesecake, two forks? Stay and have some cake.
Okay? - Hey.
- Table for one? No, thank you.
I just I have to give someone their wallet.
I'm not sure if they're still here.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, that place is fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I've been there.
I've been there.
I'm very glad to meet you.
That's very nice of you, under the circumstances.
Would you do it? It's that man in the tan jacket.
- No problem.
- Thank you.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
So your labs are very good.
Oh, thank you.
Well, other than a toothache, like, a year ago, which I indicated in my health history, I am fit as a fiddle.
Blood type "O," which is universal for kidney donation.
That's just preliminary, - of course.
- Yeah.
And then we'd also need a tissue match, which would involve more tests.
I'm highly motivated, doctor.
I see you also have had some mental health issues in the past.
Not gonna lie, had my moments.
But I feel like I've been on a pretty even keel for a while now, and I'm really ready to give back to my community.
You see, that's the thing.
Living donation, what you want to do, isn't that common.
And given your mental history, we need to be absolutely certain that you are of sound mind and that you are very clear about why you're doing this.
Doc.
I may have had a few bouts of less-than-optimal mental health but my kidneys are completely sane.
You know, I thought you'd be a little bit more enthusiastic about my gesture.
This seems to be an impulsive decision.
And given your psychological profile, that is a significant concern.
Wait, wait.
Are you rejecting my kidney? I'm saying you should take some time to think about it.
Look, look, doctor.
I know that you're the professional here, but let me just explain something that might not be in the file, that you're otherwise pretty impressed with.
I have taken some time, before I even got here.
I I don't have a job.
I'm not in a relationship.
No kids that I know of.
I just I sit around a house I got for free, and I flip through a dead lady's junk mail.
Maybe I do a little composting.
So I've had time to think about this and the risks and why I still wanna do it.
And what I didn't say to you right off the bat is that I I'm just a guy with a sister, a beautiful, generous, occasionally irritating sister who's dying.
And all I've ever wanted to do is save her life.
But, um I can't.
That's not how our story's gonna end.
But I have to believe that there is somebody else out there who I can help.
And maybe they have a brother who will get to be with them for a whole, long lifetime because of me.
Hey.
Hi.
Remember me? I I brought my wedding dress in here the other day, and now I really wish I hadn't.
I just I wanna hang onto it for a little bit longer.
I'll buy it back if I have to.
Check the rack back there with the formals.
Ah, thank you.
I can help you with this too.
Okay.
Lay this out.
- What do you think? - Oh, you look so great.
That's perfect.
I'll definitely remember that.
Oh, hey.
Sorry about all the glitter on the floor.
I'll vacuum it up.
No, leave it.
I like it.
Oh, Andrea, that is stunning.
Girlfriend got her sparkle back.
I found some inspiration in king tut and a bunch of other, like, rich Egyptians.
Hey, did you know that the pharaohs wanted to be buried with all their stuff? They thought that they could take everything with them to the afterlife, like everything.
Like, jewels and spices and honey, gold, and their cats.
I'm not sure that that made a whole lot of sense, but damn, these dudes knew how to rock a tomb.
Could you make this? - For class? - For me.
I wanna be buried in it.
Don't be grim.
Say yes.
No, I I want a new dress.
And I would love to know that I'm wearing this to my funeral.
Yeah.
I'll do it up right, Mrs.
J.
Good.
'Cause I think I should rock my casket like a pharaoh, don't you? I do.
Yeah.
Okay.
Mrs.
J, I'll be home early.
So call me if you want me to pick something up or whatever.
Uh, no breakfast for me, mom.
I gotta go meet Lydia early.
Thank you for hiring her, by the way.
She's a she's a kickass tutor.
See ya, love you.
Superstar! Nice night.
No more sleeping on the couch.
Awesome Eggs are burning, sweetie.
There we go.
Who are you?
Here you go, guys.
Jeez.
You okay? How are you doing? I just have my next round of chemo in four days.
I hate feeling bad all the time.
I can't pollute, I give a hoot.
So I made the bartering deal of the century, and I got us this pedicab.
Lydia is your new tutor.
I'll try to make this a painless process.
Tell me about college life.
I'm just not feeling it yet.
Do you wanna move back here? Paul asked me for a divorce before I passed out in Puerto Rico.
So the way I see it, he's just waiting for me to die to move on, which on some level, I respect.
But then, he wants me to stay positive, so I'll live.
I think I need to quit chemo.
Would that be okay with you? What do you think? Do I look like a Dixie chick? I'd say chick-esque.
- Hmm.
- Hmm? I mean, it's so sad.
I bought this, I never even wore it once.
That's why I collect experiences over things.
Yeah, I'm worried you're collecting mites.
How long till you shave that thing? It's my completely organic, semi-permanent winter neck warmer.
So no time soon.
Fine, keep the beard, but I want you to do something for me.
- My dermatologist.
- Ugh.
Make an appointment, get yourself checked out.
And before you go on some diatribe about how much you hate the medical institution, just consider how much it would mean to me to know that you won't be going through what I'm going through.
Eh, I'll think about it.
Jeez.
What blew up in here? Spring cleaning.
- It's November.
- Yeah, well I have so much energy since I stopped chemo, and I don't wanna leave all this stuff for you and dad to deal with, so - Wanna help? - Uh, that's tempting, but I have school unless you want me to quit.
No, you go to school.
- W when is that chemistry test? - It's on Friday.
And I'm meeting with Lydia later.
Oh, I like that tutor chick of yours.
She's got that whole nerdy geisha thing going on.
Oh, my Hermes scarf.
Hermes, for real? Yeah.
It was a gift from these rich parents of one of my students.
It always made me feel just so Jackie O.
I doubt Jackie O pranced around like that.
Oh, look, don't you laugh.
You wore this almost as much as I did.
- What, no no, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- Ooh, girl.
- You called it your "flag tie.
" You used to you used to love to rub the silk against your "wittle" nose.
I was probably just rubbing away a booger - or something.
- Okay.
Do me a favor and put that out in the car.
Okay.
Has anybody seen my green dress shirt? I wanna wear it in Detroit.
- See ya, dad.
Love you.
- Take care of your mom, buddy.
- I'll see you in a couple days.
- Okay.
Amber claims to have picked it up from the dry cleaner before she went on vacation, but I can't find it.
Uh, Paul.
Will this work? For my radio show, maybe.
Oh, my God.
Is this what I think it is? Aw.
God, I was so skinny.
I remember that.
I bet I could get good money for this.
You can't throw this away.
Says the woman who burned her matrimonial frock in a trash can.
I did it to erase a bad memory.
Is that why you wanna do it, Cath? - To erase a bad memory? - No.
No, I'll always have the memories.
I'll always have the pictures.
It's just I mean, I don't need the dress.
It's just clothes.
Hey, I happen to be basing an entire career on "just clothes.
" Now if you'll excuse me, I have to turn in some "just clothes" designs to sir Isaac Mizrahi.
Wow, your teacher's a knight? - No, he's fashion royalty.
- Damn straight.
He's my visiting Professor this semester.
Safe flight.
- See ya, love.
- Bye, Paulie.
See ya, buddy.
Hey, Paul.
Do you think you'll get married again? Why would you ask me that? Just wondering, that's all.
Well, don't.
It's morbid.
I think you should.
Despite our conflict resolution issues, you're good married.
You're good and morbid.
I will see you on Friday.
Oh, my God.
This is a great top.
Aw.
I just I love all the little flowers.
Ah.
Only worn once.
I can take these.
And the rest, you can have back.
Ii don't want them back.
I'm divesting.
So just make me an offer for the whole lot.
Lowball me, I'll take it.
I only take what I can sell, doll.
Here.
What do you mean? There's some great pieces in here.
I mean, look.
Honestly, people used to stop me on the street about this skirt.
And note there's a there's an Hermes scarf.
- You have an Hermes? - Yeah.
Where is it? I must have dropped it.
Fine.
I will donate it.
Oh.
You okay, doll? I can't feel my leg.
He says it's pressing on my frontal lobe.
It can cause partial paralysis, among other things.
Well, what other things? I don't know behavioral changes, you know, memory loss, judgment.
Oh, it sounds like my 20s.
Oh, I don't remember my 20s.
Well, look, try to remember this.
Thursday night is "Night of a thousand stars.
" I wanna go to the park and watch for falling stars, like we did when we were kids.
We were miserable doing that.
That's because mom and dad fought all the time.
But guess what, mom and dad aren't invited.
Hey, did you ever call the dermatologist? Oh, not yet.
Look, you do my thing, I'll do yours.
All right, fine.
Oh, please tell me this isn't all they have.
Excuse me.
You don't, by chance, have a cane with a carved wooden bird in it? Yeah, or a serpent head with jewel eyes? We don't sell those here.
That is what I'd recommend, very sturdy.
Thank you.
I think we'll keep looking.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna shuffle around on one of those things like some old ma kettle.
Oh, it looks like it's gonna rain.
Here, I'll go get the pedi.
You have a seat.
Mrs.
silvers, your prescription is ready for pickup, Mrs.
Silvers.
Three, two, one.
- Time.
- What? No, there's no way that was 40 minutes.
Ugh.
Sorry.
You almost passed this time.
What? Look, that's bullshit, okay? There's no way I can remember all that stuff.
Acetate is C-2-H-3-O-2-minus or C-H-3-C-O-O.
Iron is a group eight metal and therefore a transition element.
H-C-2-H-3-O-2 is a weak acid that partily ionizes in an aqueous solution.
And ozone depletion is caused by chlorofluorocarbons, a set of compounds that contain only chlorine, fluorine, carbon, know collectively as freon.
Jesus.
You're like a robot.
How do you remember all this stuff? I study a lot.
Wait, when do you have time to hang out with friends? My mom doesn't really approve of hanging out.
What, at all? Jesus.
I'd go crazy if I couldn't see my friends.
That's because you're popular.
I gotta go.
I volunteer at an animal shelter on Tuesday nights.
That's awesome.
So you like animals? No.
But I want to get into Harvard.
I made up some sample test questions.
You might want to stay in tonight and work on 'em.
Okay, cool.
Thanks for this Shit.
So how are you handling your new symptoms? The crazy thing is that, with the exception of my limp, I feel like my old self.
I mean, you know, it's funny.
I now that I stopped trying to get better, I feel better.
So no regrets about stopping treatment? - None at all.
- Mm.
Is that bad? Why would that be bad? I don't want people to feel like I've given up.
Why not? Because I don't wanna let them down.
By dying? By leaving before they're ready.
I wanna make sure all my loose ends are tied up.
I wanna make sure there's a plan in place, so everyone will be okay.
And what about you? - What about me? - Well, you.
Where do you fit into this plan? I don't.
I mean I'm gonna be gone, remember? How does that make you feel? Well, it's not like I haven't been prepared for this for a long time.
My tumors are growing.
I know what that means.
When the doctor told me, I thought, "okay.
It's happening.
Don't fight it.
" Wow.
That is very evolved of you.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Can you be evolved in a bad way? Can you? You're annoying.
Look, Cathy, I'm happy that you're feeling up right now.
You deserve to feel that way.
And you are very evolved.
It's just that in my experience, people who are going through what you are going through and feel all good can sometimes be thrown a curve-ball.
So just be Prepared to catch it? Not surprised if it hits you in the face.
Mom, did two guys just steal your dresser? No, no.
Hated it.
Don't need it.
Sold it.
Whoa, mom, what happened to your leg? I'm, uh I'm just having some paralysis.
Because of where the tumors are pressing on your brain? Uh, yeah.
How'd you know that? Just looked it up on the Internet.
You know, if you ever have any questions, you can always come to me and ask, right? So does it hurt? No, no.
No, it's just, uh you know, it's just kinda numb.
You know, like it doesn't belong to my body.
Dr.
Sherman said that other than the peg leg aspect, I'm doing pretty good.
Uh, I thought I would make salmon for dinner tonight.
Brain food to help you study for your test, okay? Yeah.
Lydia, look.
You gotta help me, okay? There's no way I'm gonna be ready for this chem test.
I can come over tonight if you wanna add another session.
Or, okay, I could just I could say that I'm gonna take my mom to, like, a doctor's appointment or something, and then you could just tell me what's on the test later.
You want me to cheat for you? No, I don't you don't have to give me the answers.
No, I'll just look those up myself.
It's still cheating.
No, it's not I'll pay you.
I'll pay you whatever you want.
Lydia, look.
I cannot bring a shitty grade home to my mom.
Maybe if you spent a little less time hanging out and a little more time studying, you wouldn't be in this predicament.
Okay, thanks.
Jesus.
Hello, Detroit.
We are back.
Stan the morning man here, sitting live in the studio with none other than the "Flip That Switch" doctor himself, Paul Jamison.
So glad to have you on the show.
Thank you very much.
I'm thrilled to be here.
I love waking up to random applause.
Yes! Listen, we all know that you've been on tour the past few days.
You gave a lecture downtown last night? That's right, at the lovely Fillmore.
And two more tonight one at 6:00, another at 8:00 at the Royal Hotel.
And my producer actually gave me a copy of your upcoming lectures.
And we're gonna plug that in just a minute.
You know, I have to say, I can't get over this schedule.
You are a busy bee.
Yes, uh, it's hectic.
You know, but I gotta say, meeting the fans, hearing their stories, you know, it keeps me going 'cause they touch me.
Just the cute ones, I hope.
I'm just kidding.
Listen.
We all know how dedicated you are to your wife.
How is she doing, by the way? You know, it's been tough, but, uh, let me tell ya, she's a trooper, real trooper.
Glad to hear it.
That big "C" can be a real bitch.
So does she mind you doing all this traveling? Oh, we're in sync.
You know, she she understands.
She's down with it.
She You know what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder.
" - Yeah.
- And I'm sure you two really work it out when you get back home, right? Yeah, we, uh we check in, we do.
I'll bet you do.
Hey, can you tell our listeners how you two stay so connected? Hold that thought, Dr.
Paul.
We're gonna be right back after this short break.
Dude, it's radio.
You kinda gotta talk.
Oh.
I'm running out of sound effects here.
Could I little water.
Could I just can we get some water? So this is a Cockwork oOrange meets Planet of the Apes.
Two movies that should never go together, except here, they work.
I like it.
No kidding, I want it.
I really do.
I wanna buy that.
Seriously, holler to Hollis.
Okay.
Who's next? Oh, Andrea.
Um, you know what? Why don't we hear from the class first? I don't mind the simple lines.
I just think the colors are Yawno-rama, right? I mean, I feel bad for the girl who has to wear these clothes.
I mean, talk about not wanting to be noticed.
She's all wall and no flower.
Okay, I think I've enthralled you all enough for one day.
Go forth and be fabulous.
Uh, except you.
Um, I'm a little concerned about the work you've been handing in lately.
I worked really hard on those sketches.
I know, but there's, like, a sparkle missing that I saw in your admission portfolio.
I mean, granted, that portfolio relied very heavily on the sort of liberace bedazzled and feathered thing.
But those sketches, they were fun.
They had a point of view.
What happened? I have a friend, and she's really sick.
And I think she's gonna die soon, and I I guess it just sucked the sparkle out of me.
I'm really sorry.
I don't know what to say.
If you think this class is too much for you right now, - maybe you should drop it.
- Well Think about it.
Okay, bye.
I've reconsidered your offer.
I realized that the answer lies in the basic physics tenet that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Lydia, I honestly have no idea what you're saying, okay? I'll help you cheat if you take my virginity.
W w what? Don't worry.
It's not because I'm into you or anything.
I just don't wanna start college next year being the geek with a hymen.
And since I don't have time to meet people outside school and you have a reputation for this sort of thing, I figured this might be my best and only option for sex.
Plus, it seemed like a fair trade, so are you in or out? Ah, looks like it's snowing paper.
Sorry, I'm just working on sketches for class.
Oh, for sir Isaac, I presume.
Yeah.
It doesn't look like it's going very well.
Well, everything I come up with is either "yawn-o-rama" or "reductive" whatever the hell that means.
Basically, I suck.
Well, I know for a fact that's not true.
You just need to get out of your head, that's all.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Lydia, hi.
I didn't know you two were getting together tonight.
I thought you had a session yesterday.
Adam wanted to add another one before our chem test tomorrow.
- Really? - Yeah.
Adam, I am so proud of all the hard work you're doing.
Thanks.
So, yeah, we should probably, you know, get to work, so - Uh - Uh Okay.
Cool hat, Mrs.
Jamison.
- Oh, here.
- Oh.
It's yours.
Thanks.
And there's some banana bread in the fridge if you want a snack later.
- Cool.
- Okay.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Shooting stars await.
Oh, I was hoping you'd forgotten.
Well, wait, how was the dermatologist? For the record, that was much more of a full body grope than a scan.
Never had someone spend so much time under my balls.
- And? - And, uh, nothing.
I I got the all clear.
Really? Good.
I'm so relieved.
Come on.
I wanna stake out a place before all the prepster dipshits blanket the park in cashmere and, uh and cheese wheels.
What's all this? I just wanna look up some stuff before we do anything.
Or, you know, I could just show you how it works.
- You know? - Please, I know how it works.
But according to my research, a lot of women say they have a bad first experience.
I like to get things right on the first try.
Coming through.
Come on.
I, uh I wanna find a really good place to sit, for optimal viewing.
No, actually, I think we can watch them from right here.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I wanna do this the right way, come on.
Let's go.
There you go.
Okay.
Oh! Jesus.
You okay? Cath? Mmm.
This tastes so good.
Thanks.
I'll tell my mom.
According to this site, the coital alignment technique has the highest percentage of vaginal orgasm at 39%.
Whereas the reverse cowgirl, which claims only a 28% chance of success, ranks higher on the intensity scale by almost 50%.
But if both are combined with digital stimulation, the numbers go way up.
God.
You make it sound like chemistry.
It kinda is.
You know, the science behind making a baby is actually extraordinary.
You know, how many things need to be aligned in order for it to happen.
You know, it's a miracle if it ever works.
And who knew the vagina was, like, a tube, you know, and the vulva was, like, the outside part? Um, me.
Okay, besides you.
I forget you know everything.
I can't help it.
I'm a genius.
No, you're a robot.
I am Lydia.
I know everything.
I remember everything I ever read.
Shut up.
So should we, like - Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Ah.
Oh! Aah, okay.
This rarely ever happens after I've done this much prep, but I've changed my mind, I can't do this.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
As much as I wanna get it over with, it just doesn't feel right.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's totally cool.
Don't worry about it.
You don't have to look so relieved.
No, but seriously, Lydia, look.
Your first time should be special.
You'll remember it forever.
So I guess we better get back to work then.
Yeah.
You've got a lot to memorize by tomorrow.
Remember Failure is not an option.
Those aren't alien gun noises.
You have to be like Pew! Pew! Pew! Whatever.
- Oh.
- Ow.
Of course I scrape the one leg that still has feeling.
- You'll live.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
All right, come on.
You ready to get moving? Ow, ow.
Sean, stop it.
No, I am not walking.
All right, then.
I'll just have to carry you.
Sean, no Sean, stop it! Sean, I'm not kidding.
Oh, come on, Cathy, make this - a little easier for me.
- No! I don't wanna make it easier.
Put me down! Cathy Cathy, you're gonna God damn it.
What is your problem? My problem is this forced march you have me on with two bad legs.
What is so important about watching some stupid falling stars that we can see from anywhere? Because I thought it would be fun! Maybe we'd see another falling star.
You wished on one for a bike once.
And mom got you that blue ten-speed for Christmas, remember? And they never got us anything good.
- I know what you're doing.
- What? The last time you grew out your beard was for ultimate frisbee in college.
You spent two years looking like a freak because you thought, if you shaved, your team would lose.
And we didn't, for two whole years.
Look.
You're caught up in some superstitious O.
C.
D.
thing, and it's not gonna work for me.
I'm dying, Sean.
And growing beards and wishing on shooting stars is not gonna change that.
Y you don't know.
Yeah, I do.
Jesus.
It's so unfair.
I spent the last 15 years of my life outside, baking in the sun.
And your dermatologist couldn't find one stupid mole on me.
But that's good.
No, it isn't.
It's not good, Cath.
Why not me? No one would miss me.
Except maybe you, and you'd get over it.
Mm-mm.
I'd give you my brain, if I could.
I don't want your brain.
You're such a fucking bitch.
You won't be disappointed.
I already am.
Hey, Marcy, been awhile.
How's Doug? Well, he passed two weeks ago, Frank.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
What, uh what happened? Kidney failure.
He was on dialysis for 12 years waiting for a donor kidney, but Oh, my God.
- Sean.
- Look.
I wanted to know if I could return these.
They haven't been opened yet.
Sure.
Oh, hey.
You're home early.
Yeah, a little change of plan.
- How was Detroit? - It was fine.
I mean, morning DJs, they're just, like, you know, they're these fake people made out of steroids and caffeine, you know? You have a cane? I go away for two days, and I come back, and you're walking with a cane? Well, the sad part is that you cannot get a cane with a bird carved in it in this town, no matter how much you're willing to spend.
No.
The sad part is that I wasn't here, and I should've been.
Paul, I No, I want you to go on with your life.
What, are you gonna try and sell me a new wife again? Oh, oh.
Funny that you mention that.
I wanna show you something.
It's a website where where people who have lost their spouses to cancer can meet other people who have lost their spouses to cancer.
It's called Chapter 2.
See, that's the exact opposite of what I wanna talk to you about.
Wait.
No, no, no.
I just I ju I want you to look at it with me 'cause it's so sweet.
I mean, some of the stories are just fantastic.
All the way home, all I could think about is how far apart we've gotten, you know? Maybe a lot of it's my fault, maybe all of it.
But with the time that we have left, I wanna figure out how to find my way back to you.
And I just I don't appreciate you pushing me away like this.
I'm not.
This is how I want to get close to you, by talking about your future and Adam's future, which I'm not gonna be in much longer.
Stop it.
I mean, you First the clothes and now this? You're giving everything away, even me.
- You're freaking me out, honey.
- Why? I have always over-prepared for every trip I've ever taken.
I I want you to help me, to talk about this.
I I need you to hear me say that it's okay to move on.
Good luck.
Start now.
Okay, I'll bite.
Why are you on my computer? Uh, I engage with technology in service of a greater good.
But apparently I have been cock-blocked by the establishment.
As of a couple hours ago, I've been trying to give something away on, uh, Craigslist, where you can give away your free underwear if you want.
But they just told me that I've been shut down.
My ad's been flagged for removal, the censoring bastards.
No offense, but what do you have to give away? Oh, my spare kidney.
I listed it under "free stuff.
" - I had a ton of takers.
- You're kidding here, right? No.
No, no, no.
My kidneys and I are quite serious.
I got the idea from that woman at the medical supply store whose husband just died waiting for a transplant.
It hit me, Cath.
A guy like me could've saved his life, easy.
So after I dropped you off, I swung by the public library.
I got on the one computer not being used by homeless guys for porn Kidneys are major organs, Sean.
I mean, what if you give one away, and then something happens to the one you have left? What if Adam needs a kidney? Then you won't be able to help.
Oh, by that time, they'll be able to grow 'em in petri dishes.
No, I just think in a world of shallow and meaningless gestures, this was my chance to truly help someone, right now.
I admire the impulse.
But there are ways to help a stranger that doesn't involve surgery.
You've been giving stuff away lately.
- Have I been critical of you? - Apples and oranges, Sean.
To you, maybe.
My kidneys and I, however, shall persevere.
I just think in a world that can connect people with everything from hubcaps to hand jobs, I gotta be able to find someone in renal failure.
Oh, I love the pinstripe.
I also love the hardware.
It's very butch, and I love it.
Good work.
Um, see me after class.
I'm making some tea.
Do you want some? Hey, come here.
I wanna show you something.
Okay, but you have to promise to keep an open mind and not get angry.
Always open, never angry.
I did a profile of you on that website.
Now you never have to use it, of course.
I just you know, I'm just having fun.
Didn't we already have this conversation? Look, I'm using an alias.
And F.
Y.
I.
, you're sounding like quite a catch.
- Nice picture.
- Yeah.
I took it after one of Adam's soccer games.
All joking aside, I'm not doing this.
So maybe you should stop doing it too.
You're a man who needs to be married.
Trust me on this, I know you.
- I'm gonna be a lone wolf.
- Okay.
You do better when you have someone in your life.
When I think about your future and I picture you alone, it's sad and lonely and filled with fast food and no reason to use deodorant.
And when I picture you with someone, now I see laughter and hand-holding and a long and happy life.
And besides, Adam's gonna need a positive female influence.
And he will have that, the way that God and nature intended him to, with an older girlfriend.
Okay, this is what I wrote.
"I'm tall, over 6 feet.
I like playing rugby and enjoy spending quality time with my teenage son.
" "I have a creative soul.
" - Oh, that's nice.
- Mm-hmm.
"And I love great conversation and good dinners at home.
" I like eating out.
You like eating, you hate eating out.
Why would you say that I don't like to swim? - I love to swim.
- No, you you despise it.
It irritates your eczema.
Favorite movie? Star Wars The Big Lebowski.
Shit.
You're right.
You see? This is why we have to do this together.
Because I know you better than you know you.
You do.
Wow.
I haven't seen someone look so scared since vera wang thought she gained 2 pounds.
Relax, okay? I asked you to stay because I wanted to show you that.
That's a killer coffin.
That's the point.
I mean, death doesn't have to be dowdy.
Look at the Egyptians, they knew how to make it shine.
I'm sorry about your friend.
But if you're gonna be an artist, you have to learn to tap into what's going on in your life.
I have done some of my best collections after being dumped by some very hot boyfriends.
Trust me.
This is not the time to give up on your vision.
It's the time to find it, work it.
But it's bleak, Mr.
Mizrahi.
Isaac.
Here, take this home, okay? And just study and look at how the Egyptians met tragedy with style and a ton of gold leaf.
And you do some sketches that are gonna knock my limited edition socks off.
- Okay? - Thank you.
Wow.
That was amazing.
I don't even feel like falling asleep like I usually do.
Maybe it's 'cause it's the afternoon.
Afternoon delight.
Afternoon nookie.
Oh, my God! You are such a stud.
Look at all these messages from widow dates.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
There's a woman named Brenda who wants to have coffee with you.
Two kids.
She owns her own travel agency.
She's cute.
Well, I think you should meet her.
You can't have sex with me and then set me up with another woman.
It's twisted.
- What kind of wife would do that? - A very good one.
Look, maybe us working on my online profile together was a weird sort of a a turn-on.
But that's as far as it's gonna go.
- Okay, honey? - No, sh she's perfect for you.
She does yoga.
She has a home in Stillwater.
I mean, I wanna be friends with her.
But don't you realize how how wrong this is? You're still alive.
I should not be on this website.
Well, you can tell her I'm still around if it makes you feel better.
None of this makes me feel any better.
Baby steps, Paul.
Baby steps.
No, really, I have heard it all, and you win the most generous fucking wife of the year award.
Congratulations.
No, but this is the man who I know better than any other person in the world, who I've known longer than any other person - Mm-hmm.
- Except for Sean and my dad, but that's different.
And there is this it's a deep love.
It's not always passionate.
It's not always a walk at the beach.
But we chose each other, and we stayed together.
And now that I'm looking at the finish line of my own life, I wanna be his partner right to the end.
And that means finding his next partner.
And knowing Paul as I do, I think I'm the best person for the job.
And really, it doesn't bother you, this life that he's gonna have with someone else? I mean, that would drive a lot of women crazy, including me.
Oh, I have other things to worry about.
Will my other leg go numb? What about my arms? Will I go blind? That stuff scares the shit out of me.
Are you disorganizing my kitchen? No.
I'm making it cane-friendly.
I'm moving all your favorite coffee cups next to the machine, so you don't have to shuffle back and forth.
I'm doing the pots and pans next.
No, you're not.
Because you have a date.
Excuse me? Remember Brenda from Chapter 2 who wanted to have coffee? I told her yes.
You're meeting her at the pastry place on Lyndale in half an hour.
- I'm not going.
- Yes, you are.
Honey, open up your computer, and you tell Brenda that I'm not gonna meet her now or ever.
She's already hired a sitter.
I'm trying to enjoy my relationship with my very alive wife, who's just crossed such a strange line.
I don't have her phone number, Paul.
If you don't go now, you're standing up a widow.
Lydia, B-plus! Dude, I knew you could do it! Yeah, suck it, chemistry! Nice to meet the man behind the profile.
I'm so sorry that I'm late.
Oh, please, I'm usually the one that's late.
There, now you know, runs late.
I hope you don't mind, I've ordered some dessert.
I'm starving, and I love sugar.
There, now you see more of my foibles.
I got two forks that you would be complicit Brenda, you seem like a really nice woman.
And I don't wanna waste your time, so I'm just gonna dive right in here.
I need to apologize.
Not usually how these things begin.
This whole thing was my wife's idea my alive wife.
You're married? Yeah.
Of course you are.
Yes, of course.
- Of course.
- You know, she found the website.
And she filled out the profile.
And, um, you know, she has cancer, you know? Going to die of cancer.
And I think she just she just wants to know that I'm gonna be okay.
I'm so sorry.
I'm very embarrassed.
And even if she weren't still here, I don't know if I could do this.
I've been a widow for ten years.
It was five before I could even think about going on a date.
Yeah, well I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
Yeah.
She likes you very much.
Loves your profile, wishes you could be friends.
How fucked up is that? One cheesecake, two forks? Stay and have some cake.
Okay? - Hey.
- Table for one? No, thank you.
I just I have to give someone their wallet.
I'm not sure if they're still here.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, that place is fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I've been there.
I've been there.
I'm very glad to meet you.
That's very nice of you, under the circumstances.
Would you do it? It's that man in the tan jacket.
- No problem.
- Thank you.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
So your labs are very good.
Oh, thank you.
Well, other than a toothache, like, a year ago, which I indicated in my health history, I am fit as a fiddle.
Blood type "O," which is universal for kidney donation.
That's just preliminary, - of course.
- Yeah.
And then we'd also need a tissue match, which would involve more tests.
I'm highly motivated, doctor.
I see you also have had some mental health issues in the past.
Not gonna lie, had my moments.
But I feel like I've been on a pretty even keel for a while now, and I'm really ready to give back to my community.
You see, that's the thing.
Living donation, what you want to do, isn't that common.
And given your mental history, we need to be absolutely certain that you are of sound mind and that you are very clear about why you're doing this.
Doc.
I may have had a few bouts of less-than-optimal mental health but my kidneys are completely sane.
You know, I thought you'd be a little bit more enthusiastic about my gesture.
This seems to be an impulsive decision.
And given your psychological profile, that is a significant concern.
Wait, wait.
Are you rejecting my kidney? I'm saying you should take some time to think about it.
Look, look, doctor.
I know that you're the professional here, but let me just explain something that might not be in the file, that you're otherwise pretty impressed with.
I have taken some time, before I even got here.
I I don't have a job.
I'm not in a relationship.
No kids that I know of.
I just I sit around a house I got for free, and I flip through a dead lady's junk mail.
Maybe I do a little composting.
So I've had time to think about this and the risks and why I still wanna do it.
And what I didn't say to you right off the bat is that I I'm just a guy with a sister, a beautiful, generous, occasionally irritating sister who's dying.
And all I've ever wanted to do is save her life.
But, um I can't.
That's not how our story's gonna end.
But I have to believe that there is somebody else out there who I can help.
And maybe they have a brother who will get to be with them for a whole, long lifetime because of me.
Hey.
Hi.
Remember me? I I brought my wedding dress in here the other day, and now I really wish I hadn't.
I just I wanna hang onto it for a little bit longer.
I'll buy it back if I have to.
Check the rack back there with the formals.
Ah, thank you.
I can help you with this too.
Okay.
Lay this out.
- What do you think? - Oh, you look so great.
That's perfect.
I'll definitely remember that.
Oh, hey.
Sorry about all the glitter on the floor.
I'll vacuum it up.
No, leave it.
I like it.
Oh, Andrea, that is stunning.
Girlfriend got her sparkle back.
I found some inspiration in king tut and a bunch of other, like, rich Egyptians.
Hey, did you know that the pharaohs wanted to be buried with all their stuff? They thought that they could take everything with them to the afterlife, like everything.
Like, jewels and spices and honey, gold, and their cats.
I'm not sure that that made a whole lot of sense, but damn, these dudes knew how to rock a tomb.
Could you make this? - For class? - For me.
I wanna be buried in it.
Don't be grim.
Say yes.
No, I I want a new dress.
And I would love to know that I'm wearing this to my funeral.
Yeah.
I'll do it up right, Mrs.
J.
Good.
'Cause I think I should rock my casket like a pharaoh, don't you? I do.
Yeah.
Okay.
Mrs.
J, I'll be home early.
So call me if you want me to pick something up or whatever.
Uh, no breakfast for me, mom.
I gotta go meet Lydia early.
Thank you for hiring her, by the way.
She's a she's a kickass tutor.
See ya, love you.
Superstar! Nice night.
No more sleeping on the couch.
Awesome Eggs are burning, sweetie.
There we go.
Who are you?