The Book Group (2002) s01e02 Episode Script
The Alchemist
I thought it was a classic.
A South American literary classic.
Tell me aboutSouth America versus North America.
- (Man) Janice, where's the 1080 gone? - l don't know what you mean.
The snowboarding cartridge.
l had it yesterday.
- Have you asked wee Jackie? - l can't ask him if he's not here.
(Softly) What were you thinking about? Do you prefer the typewriter (Speaking Swedish) (Man) Hey, Fist.
Fist.
(Speaking Dutch) (Phone) Yeah, just a little Sunday brunch with some of my new friends.
Oh, y'know - artists, intellectuals chemists.
Really interesting people.
Yeah, we're going for a walk in the Highlands and then we're gonna have dinner in this castle.
Yeah, everything's an hour away.
Listen, Mom, l have to go entertain.
l'll talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Six letters.
- Starts with? - 'P'.
- Penguin.
- Too long.
- Can l have a swim please? - 1 .
80.
- When have you been in there? - Every chance l get.
- ls that a good book? - lt's all right.
How come l didn't notice that? You must wear a disguise.
lt's not good for your arse.
Aye, well, enjoy your swim.
Puffin.
(Speaks Swedish) Det har ar hopplost.
(TV commentary) 'The ball's run to the left - 'off the defender for a corner.
' - Da's een corner.
- 'He swings the corner in' - lk neem die corner.
- 'it breaks to Van Dongen.
' - lk ga 'm naar Manso passen.
- 'That's a penalty!' - Ja, jongen.
- 'lt looked certain to me.
' - Wat? Ach, je liegt, man! Klootzak! - 'Van Dongen went down' - Scheids, penalty.
Dat is duidelijk.
- 'Only one decision there.
Penalty.
' - Ja ha ha! - 'There's a bit of tension now' - Rustig blijven.
- 'Let's see what happens now.
' - Oke, relax.
Gooooal! 'Fantastic goal by Van Dongen! Has that swung the game?' (Man) Manana yo tengo que ir al centro (Barney) Si.
- .
.
las oficinas del centro para firmar.
- Si.
- Hello.
- Oh! Hi.
Appropriate spot to run into you.
Stocking up, are we? - l'm sorry, butl forgot your name.
- Barney.
Barney! Right.
l'm terrible with names.
Claire.
Yeah.
l-l knew that.
- Well, see ya.
- You're going to tonight's book group? - Barney, Barney.
l'm Barney.
- Barney.
Right.
(Man) No, that's rubbish.
You don't know what you're talking about.
(Argument continues, indistinct) You've just seen it on the telly.
That's rubbish.
l forgot my towel.
- How much? - 50p.
But you can pay me later.
- You might not be here.
- l'll be here.
- When's your break? - l've had my break.
Aye, he's had his break.
About an hour ago.
l had mine an hour before that.
lt's lovely in there.
l did 50 lengths.
You'll catch your death out here.
(TV commentary) 'Not much in it at the end of the day.
'A bit of luck allowed one of them to get three points.
' 'Van Dongen will want to put that penalty in his personal video collection - 'but frankly, l'm not sure he did much.
' - Wat? - Hey, stranger.
- Oh, hello there.
- Mind if l join you? - No, no.
Sit down.
- Read any good books lately? - The book? Aye, read the book.
That was a joke.
l was making small talk.
People do that, you know, make small talk.
Aye.
l think l'm clinically depressed.
Brilliant.
This has been a really stimulating conversation(!) - Aye.
- lt's good for me to make new friends.
Aye.
- Are you going? - See you tonight.
Aye, see you later.
- l've not got the money.
- Pay me next time.
- l used it all up on the hairdryer.
- OK.
Next time.
- lt's closing time.
- l've got to wait a bit.
- Where's your pal? - He's gone home.
Can l close up with ya, big man? Don't forget that 50 pence.
l'll have the police on ya.
(Door slams) - D'you want a ride? - Oh, l didn't see you.
- l'm getting a taxi.
- Call and cancel.
- lt's all right, l know my driver.
- l'm a nurse.
- Are you now? - l meanl know how to lift folk.
Good for you.
D'you not like me? Get to fuck, will you? ls she coming too, Kenny? They get less hassle out of Glasgow city centre, in the suburbs.
There's a health club in Hamilton, the wives like a massage and that.
lf you're on 20 grand a week you can have all the massages you want.
You've gotta remember the short career these boys have.
- Aye.
- Statistically, your average player only gets five seasons before relegation or injury.
l did.
- Oh, this is it here, mate.
- (Whistles) - There you go.
Keep the change, pal.
- Are you something to do with football? (Laughs) (Cab pulls away) Maybe we should start without Barney.
What is it when you're chronically late in order to get attention? - Kenny, do you want to sit on the sofa? - l'm all right.
- We could move you.
- l could take one side l'm all right! OK.
- This is brilliant cake, Janice.
- Thank you, Rab.
Hear that wind last night? My sister stays at Rothesay, she said it was coming down cats and dogs.
Hello, everyone.
Here we all are again, eh? - What a charming house, Dirka.
- Thank you.
Yes! Did everybody enjoy the book? l must say l was pleasantly surprised.
l mean, it's bad, but not that bad.
- Did somebody ask Barney to start? - Ooh! - (Dutch man shouting outside) - lt's a Vicky sponge.
Lovely.
Cos l think old Coelho - He's such a drama queen.
- .
.
must've read Joseph Campbell.
- Dirka, tell him to go away.
- You tell him.
l haven't read Campbell in a long time but l understand he's very popular Wat doe je nu? Ga weg, dit is mijn Je kunt niet zomaar een boek en een lullig briefje achterlaten! Jij kunt me niet vertellen wat ik moet doen! Dit is mijn boekgroep! lk zie dat het jouw boekgroep is, Fistie.
Maar geen boekenclub.
Het kan me geen ruk schelen! Sorry about this.
What fucking gorgeous curtains! Claire, can l talk to you? - Claire, l want you to be my best friend.
- Really? You are, like, my hero right now.
You came to a new country all on your own.
- lt happens a lot these days.
- You have so much confidence.
Are you, like, breaking up with the soccer guy? - Oh yeah.
That'shard.
- The book.
l think he wrote it for me.
- lt's my story, l can't believe it.
- Wow.
The alchemist told the shepherd to listen to his heart.
l listened to my heart and it said, ''What the hell are you doing with this football player?'' Really? ln those words? lf you don't listen to your heart, it will stop speaking to you.
Easy for Coelho to say.
He probably had a wife cooking dinner while he listened to his heart.
l am the wife.
l want to be the shepherd, not the wife.
- You want a divorce? - He's not my husband.
We looked really good together.
That is so not my journey.
Hug? Brilliant.
ls this Dutch ice cream? No.
lt has a Dutch name but Fist says it isn't Dutch.
- ls that right? - Cake tastes better with ice cream.
- lt gives itmoisture.
- Aye.
- Heaven.
- ls that a PlayStation? - PlayStation 2.
We have Driver.
- Brilliant! - Come on, Kenny.
You're the police.
- No, you are.
l'm the car in front.
Person-centred therapy is more behaviour-oriented.
But psychoanalysis might go deeper into why you first became a plaything.
- That's where you lay on the couch? - Yeah.
You don't see the therapist so it's as if you're asking yourself the questions.
The therapist is like your mother when you're angry with her.
Yeah - transference.
But you can see that coming.
l have a very good relationship with my mother.
- Good.
- She taught me how to wax.
Great.
(Engines roaring, siren wailing) You're brilliant at those turns, Janice.
- l'll play Janice next.
- No, l'll play Janice next.
- You just played her.
- l'm a guest, you can play anytime.
Rab, you play Dirka.
l'll wash up.
- You are so lucky.
- Am l? l wish could spend one day looking like you.
- How do you mean? - Just to be ordinary looking for one day.
- Right.
- People think they can just stare at me.
- Mm.
- Men always wanting something.
l'm just so tired of being sexy.
Yeah.
Oh, my God l have missedso much.
- Sorry to interrupt your book group.
- That's all right.
- Saw the game yesterday.
Super goal.
- Thanks.
lt was an excellent goal, man.
Bartwhat were you thinking just before you kicked the ball? Well, l'm thinking this is a pretty good opportunity.
Don't have long to go in the second half.
l'm in good shape at this point in the game.
l feel, how you sayexplosive.
- Play with me.
- Ach, l've had enough of Driver.
- You don't want to play with me? - Leave it, will you? - What? - We should be talking about books.
- We could play charades.
- Book titles.
You start.
lt's a book, right.
Whole thing.
OK, right.
Ear.
Two ears.
Four ears.
Hundreds of ears? ls there a book called Ears? Haven't heard of that.
Fifth word.
Salt.
Tube.
Salt tube.
You're one.
You're all alone You're all alone with 100 ears and the salt tube.
- One Hundred Years Of Solitude! - Yes! - (Barney) By no means his best work.
- What? You should read Love ln The Time Of Cholera.
Lesser-known but far superior.
- What are you talking about? - Books.
Deciding what to read next.
- What are we going to read? - Barney says a book about cholera.
Who is going to want me, this emotional wreck, camping out in their spare room? - l have a spare room.
- Wow.
That is so, like, leap and the net appears, right? Yeah.
l'll say.
Something very small says to me the goalie is going to move to the left.
Maybe he thinks l will kick that way.
- Body language.
- Aye, maybe.
Maybe somebody told him Bart Van Dongen kicks to the left.
He does something very small.
- l can see he thinks l'm going that way.
- You knew exactly what he expected.
Just as this foot lands next to the ball, my other foot moving forward to kick the ball, just in that split second l decide to kick the other way Boom! Gooooal! (Dog howling) Claire - Everyone's gone home.
- Oh.
Do you wanna share my taxi? MmmOK.
- l guess.
- Come on.
Next time at Barney's we read a book about cholera.
Aye.
- You have a lovely home.
- Thank you.
- Do you have children? - Not yet.
Some day.
l'm sure they'll be good-looking Swedish children.
- Thank you.
- Come on, Claire.
(Kenny) Lovely evening, eh? Tough to be on your own in a new town.
That's the people's palace and that's Glasgow Green.
lt's all right during the day but don't go there on your own after dark.
l'll remember that.
Cos l have a habit of going into public parks alone at night(!) Aye.
Well, skip that one, OK? That's the Tron Tower.
lt's the oldest place in Glasgow.
lt was a prison.
The more evil you were, the higher they put you.
What did they do with all the ordinary-looking people? l think they burned them.
Kenny, l seem to be feeling sorry for myself a lot lately.
- Then l look at you - And you feel really sorry? No, l don't because you seem to be a pretty happy guy.
Things haven't been going too well with me, healthwise.
- Oh, no.
- l'm not one to go on about it - No.
- There's beeninternal complications.
- Oh, Kenny.
- My doctors say if l don't get laid tonight, l'm gonna have kidney failure.
- Kidney failure? - Aye.
They'll have to take me to hospital and put me in an iron lung.
You mean a dialysis machine.
- Affects your lungs too.
- Right.
You'd be doing me a huge favour, medically speaking.
- Nothing to do with you and me.
- No.
- lt's a health thing.
- Right.
- ls it to the hospital now, Kenny? - Aye.
Somewhere lt's written in a book that l've read Sometimes lt's written just the way that you said The book that l read
A South American literary classic.
Tell me aboutSouth America versus North America.
- (Man) Janice, where's the 1080 gone? - l don't know what you mean.
The snowboarding cartridge.
l had it yesterday.
- Have you asked wee Jackie? - l can't ask him if he's not here.
(Softly) What were you thinking about? Do you prefer the typewriter (Speaking Swedish) (Man) Hey, Fist.
Fist.
(Speaking Dutch) (Phone) Yeah, just a little Sunday brunch with some of my new friends.
Oh, y'know - artists, intellectuals chemists.
Really interesting people.
Yeah, we're going for a walk in the Highlands and then we're gonna have dinner in this castle.
Yeah, everything's an hour away.
Listen, Mom, l have to go entertain.
l'll talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Six letters.
- Starts with? - 'P'.
- Penguin.
- Too long.
- Can l have a swim please? - 1 .
80.
- When have you been in there? - Every chance l get.
- ls that a good book? - lt's all right.
How come l didn't notice that? You must wear a disguise.
lt's not good for your arse.
Aye, well, enjoy your swim.
Puffin.
(Speaks Swedish) Det har ar hopplost.
(TV commentary) 'The ball's run to the left - 'off the defender for a corner.
' - Da's een corner.
- 'He swings the corner in' - lk neem die corner.
- 'it breaks to Van Dongen.
' - lk ga 'm naar Manso passen.
- 'That's a penalty!' - Ja, jongen.
- 'lt looked certain to me.
' - Wat? Ach, je liegt, man! Klootzak! - 'Van Dongen went down' - Scheids, penalty.
Dat is duidelijk.
- 'Only one decision there.
Penalty.
' - Ja ha ha! - 'There's a bit of tension now' - Rustig blijven.
- 'Let's see what happens now.
' - Oke, relax.
Gooooal! 'Fantastic goal by Van Dongen! Has that swung the game?' (Man) Manana yo tengo que ir al centro (Barney) Si.
- .
.
las oficinas del centro para firmar.
- Si.
- Hello.
- Oh! Hi.
Appropriate spot to run into you.
Stocking up, are we? - l'm sorry, butl forgot your name.
- Barney.
Barney! Right.
l'm terrible with names.
Claire.
Yeah.
l-l knew that.
- Well, see ya.
- You're going to tonight's book group? - Barney, Barney.
l'm Barney.
- Barney.
Right.
(Man) No, that's rubbish.
You don't know what you're talking about.
(Argument continues, indistinct) You've just seen it on the telly.
That's rubbish.
l forgot my towel.
- How much? - 50p.
But you can pay me later.
- You might not be here.
- l'll be here.
- When's your break? - l've had my break.
Aye, he's had his break.
About an hour ago.
l had mine an hour before that.
lt's lovely in there.
l did 50 lengths.
You'll catch your death out here.
(TV commentary) 'Not much in it at the end of the day.
'A bit of luck allowed one of them to get three points.
' 'Van Dongen will want to put that penalty in his personal video collection - 'but frankly, l'm not sure he did much.
' - Wat? - Hey, stranger.
- Oh, hello there.
- Mind if l join you? - No, no.
Sit down.
- Read any good books lately? - The book? Aye, read the book.
That was a joke.
l was making small talk.
People do that, you know, make small talk.
Aye.
l think l'm clinically depressed.
Brilliant.
This has been a really stimulating conversation(!) - Aye.
- lt's good for me to make new friends.
Aye.
- Are you going? - See you tonight.
Aye, see you later.
- l've not got the money.
- Pay me next time.
- l used it all up on the hairdryer.
- OK.
Next time.
- lt's closing time.
- l've got to wait a bit.
- Where's your pal? - He's gone home.
Can l close up with ya, big man? Don't forget that 50 pence.
l'll have the police on ya.
(Door slams) - D'you want a ride? - Oh, l didn't see you.
- l'm getting a taxi.
- Call and cancel.
- lt's all right, l know my driver.
- l'm a nurse.
- Are you now? - l meanl know how to lift folk.
Good for you.
D'you not like me? Get to fuck, will you? ls she coming too, Kenny? They get less hassle out of Glasgow city centre, in the suburbs.
There's a health club in Hamilton, the wives like a massage and that.
lf you're on 20 grand a week you can have all the massages you want.
You've gotta remember the short career these boys have.
- Aye.
- Statistically, your average player only gets five seasons before relegation or injury.
l did.
- Oh, this is it here, mate.
- (Whistles) - There you go.
Keep the change, pal.
- Are you something to do with football? (Laughs) (Cab pulls away) Maybe we should start without Barney.
What is it when you're chronically late in order to get attention? - Kenny, do you want to sit on the sofa? - l'm all right.
- We could move you.
- l could take one side l'm all right! OK.
- This is brilliant cake, Janice.
- Thank you, Rab.
Hear that wind last night? My sister stays at Rothesay, she said it was coming down cats and dogs.
Hello, everyone.
Here we all are again, eh? - What a charming house, Dirka.
- Thank you.
Yes! Did everybody enjoy the book? l must say l was pleasantly surprised.
l mean, it's bad, but not that bad.
- Did somebody ask Barney to start? - Ooh! - (Dutch man shouting outside) - lt's a Vicky sponge.
Lovely.
Cos l think old Coelho - He's such a drama queen.
- .
.
must've read Joseph Campbell.
- Dirka, tell him to go away.
- You tell him.
l haven't read Campbell in a long time but l understand he's very popular Wat doe je nu? Ga weg, dit is mijn Je kunt niet zomaar een boek en een lullig briefje achterlaten! Jij kunt me niet vertellen wat ik moet doen! Dit is mijn boekgroep! lk zie dat het jouw boekgroep is, Fistie.
Maar geen boekenclub.
Het kan me geen ruk schelen! Sorry about this.
What fucking gorgeous curtains! Claire, can l talk to you? - Claire, l want you to be my best friend.
- Really? You are, like, my hero right now.
You came to a new country all on your own.
- lt happens a lot these days.
- You have so much confidence.
Are you, like, breaking up with the soccer guy? - Oh yeah.
That'shard.
- The book.
l think he wrote it for me.
- lt's my story, l can't believe it.
- Wow.
The alchemist told the shepherd to listen to his heart.
l listened to my heart and it said, ''What the hell are you doing with this football player?'' Really? ln those words? lf you don't listen to your heart, it will stop speaking to you.
Easy for Coelho to say.
He probably had a wife cooking dinner while he listened to his heart.
l am the wife.
l want to be the shepherd, not the wife.
- You want a divorce? - He's not my husband.
We looked really good together.
That is so not my journey.
Hug? Brilliant.
ls this Dutch ice cream? No.
lt has a Dutch name but Fist says it isn't Dutch.
- ls that right? - Cake tastes better with ice cream.
- lt gives itmoisture.
- Aye.
- Heaven.
- ls that a PlayStation? - PlayStation 2.
We have Driver.
- Brilliant! - Come on, Kenny.
You're the police.
- No, you are.
l'm the car in front.
Person-centred therapy is more behaviour-oriented.
But psychoanalysis might go deeper into why you first became a plaything.
- That's where you lay on the couch? - Yeah.
You don't see the therapist so it's as if you're asking yourself the questions.
The therapist is like your mother when you're angry with her.
Yeah - transference.
But you can see that coming.
l have a very good relationship with my mother.
- Good.
- She taught me how to wax.
Great.
(Engines roaring, siren wailing) You're brilliant at those turns, Janice.
- l'll play Janice next.
- No, l'll play Janice next.
- You just played her.
- l'm a guest, you can play anytime.
Rab, you play Dirka.
l'll wash up.
- You are so lucky.
- Am l? l wish could spend one day looking like you.
- How do you mean? - Just to be ordinary looking for one day.
- Right.
- People think they can just stare at me.
- Mm.
- Men always wanting something.
l'm just so tired of being sexy.
Yeah.
Oh, my God l have missedso much.
- Sorry to interrupt your book group.
- That's all right.
- Saw the game yesterday.
Super goal.
- Thanks.
lt was an excellent goal, man.
Bartwhat were you thinking just before you kicked the ball? Well, l'm thinking this is a pretty good opportunity.
Don't have long to go in the second half.
l'm in good shape at this point in the game.
l feel, how you sayexplosive.
- Play with me.
- Ach, l've had enough of Driver.
- You don't want to play with me? - Leave it, will you? - What? - We should be talking about books.
- We could play charades.
- Book titles.
You start.
lt's a book, right.
Whole thing.
OK, right.
Ear.
Two ears.
Four ears.
Hundreds of ears? ls there a book called Ears? Haven't heard of that.
Fifth word.
Salt.
Tube.
Salt tube.
You're one.
You're all alone You're all alone with 100 ears and the salt tube.
- One Hundred Years Of Solitude! - Yes! - (Barney) By no means his best work.
- What? You should read Love ln The Time Of Cholera.
Lesser-known but far superior.
- What are you talking about? - Books.
Deciding what to read next.
- What are we going to read? - Barney says a book about cholera.
Who is going to want me, this emotional wreck, camping out in their spare room? - l have a spare room.
- Wow.
That is so, like, leap and the net appears, right? Yeah.
l'll say.
Something very small says to me the goalie is going to move to the left.
Maybe he thinks l will kick that way.
- Body language.
- Aye, maybe.
Maybe somebody told him Bart Van Dongen kicks to the left.
He does something very small.
- l can see he thinks l'm going that way.
- You knew exactly what he expected.
Just as this foot lands next to the ball, my other foot moving forward to kick the ball, just in that split second l decide to kick the other way Boom! Gooooal! (Dog howling) Claire - Everyone's gone home.
- Oh.
Do you wanna share my taxi? MmmOK.
- l guess.
- Come on.
Next time at Barney's we read a book about cholera.
Aye.
- You have a lovely home.
- Thank you.
- Do you have children? - Not yet.
Some day.
l'm sure they'll be good-looking Swedish children.
- Thank you.
- Come on, Claire.
(Kenny) Lovely evening, eh? Tough to be on your own in a new town.
That's the people's palace and that's Glasgow Green.
lt's all right during the day but don't go there on your own after dark.
l'll remember that.
Cos l have a habit of going into public parks alone at night(!) Aye.
Well, skip that one, OK? That's the Tron Tower.
lt's the oldest place in Glasgow.
lt was a prison.
The more evil you were, the higher they put you.
What did they do with all the ordinary-looking people? l think they burned them.
Kenny, l seem to be feeling sorry for myself a lot lately.
- Then l look at you - And you feel really sorry? No, l don't because you seem to be a pretty happy guy.
Things haven't been going too well with me, healthwise.
- Oh, no.
- l'm not one to go on about it - No.
- There's beeninternal complications.
- Oh, Kenny.
- My doctors say if l don't get laid tonight, l'm gonna have kidney failure.
- Kidney failure? - Aye.
They'll have to take me to hospital and put me in an iron lung.
You mean a dialysis machine.
- Affects your lungs too.
- Right.
You'd be doing me a huge favour, medically speaking.
- Nothing to do with you and me.
- No.
- lt's a health thing.
- Right.
- ls it to the hospital now, Kenny? - Aye.
Somewhere lt's written in a book that l've read Sometimes lt's written just the way that you said The book that l read