The Boss Baby: Back in Business (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

The Constipation Situation

1 Hold all my calls.
Boss Baby I'm the boss, Boss Baby Boss boss, Boss Baby, boss boss - Boss Baby - Watch a itty-bitty kid get large I'm the big Boss Baby in charge Stroller rolling Up and down the boulevard I'm the big Boss Baby in charge - Boss Baby - I run this house, I rule this crib Change my diaper, son, where's my bib? Don't pacify, you just got to pay me Who's in charge? Me, the Boss Baby.
They called me a madman.
Mixing fruit cereal with peanut butter cereal? Dr.
Tim, even a cereal scientist like you couldn't be so mad! - Couldn't I? - Honestly, that really does sound just completely nauseating.
Silence, villager! I know what I like.
- Baby! - Baby's crying! Drama king.
It's okay.
Mommy's here.
And Daddy.
Don't forget you have a daddy.
He's all right.
- Someone's not.
- Hey, Templeton! - Your kid's making me crazy.
- It's not our baby! - My mistake! - Yikes.
- Who had a new baby? - Is everything okay? False alarm, Timmy.
Back to breakfast.
Uh in a minute.
Okeydokey.
Bring your brother down when you're ready.
That new kid's going off like a foghorn! Is that gonna be bad for babies? Not if I can help it.
I need a dossier from Baby Corp, see if we're dealing with a normal crybaby or a Scooter Buskie-style problem child.
Grab the monitor so I can call the office.
It's in the safe.
I'm still eating breakfast.
You can get your own monitor.
Uh, of course I can.
Who said I couldn't? Who would say that? Morons.
- Are you okay? - You want me to get my own monitor? I will.
Watch me.
- Do you need? - No! Don't help me.
I've got this.
You win, Templeton.
I'm constipated! You can control people with your mind? No wonder your head is so big.
No, I said I'm What's wrong with the size of my head? Do you have any idea what "constipated" means? Yes? Very convincing.
Okay, brass tacks version.
I can't go.
Boom-boom.
"Boom-boom" is poop.
You said "poop.
" You can't poop! That's awful! Of course I'll get your monitor for you! I'm more embarrassed than anything.
Usually, my down under runs like a Formula One race car.
It's okay.
It happens to everybody.
- I once ate a whole bag of taffy - Stop.
No.
This was not an invitation to exchange bowel stories.
Double B, how's life in the field? Been better.
Got a crying baby in my territory.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, real four-alarm wailer right there.
Run the factory specs for me.
I wanna know if this is gonna be a "situation.
" Will do.
Give me ten.
Catch you back, Beebs.
See? Ugh! Nothing I can't muscle through with a good day's work.
So keep it quiet.
- No one else needs to know about this.
- Not even Mom? - Is Mom someone else? - Yes? Then no.
You can't hide being sick from Mom.
She's a mom.
Templeton - Ted, the baby's constipated! - Don't worry, buddy.
- We're prepped for this.
- Help me.
Gentle massage, three fingers below the belly button.
He looks stressed.
Get his squeaky.
Don't you worry.
Mommy and Daddy are gonna pop the cork on that stuffy bummy.
Tweet, tweet, lifeguard.
Everybody out of the poo hole.
Prune juice? - Extra pulp.
- Let's do this.
You be a brave boy.
We will flush those wittle doody pipes.
Ugh! Who is that kid? Oh, my gosh! Sorry, but you know what this is? - It's your first sick day.
- Sick days are for the weak and unionized.
I just need to work Cramping, cramping! No, Dad is right.
You're all stressed.
Probably because you work all the time.
And stress gives your poop sticky claws, and the claws grab your inside, and the poops go, "Grah! We're not leaving!" Talking poop.
I am positive that's not how the human body works.
So, sick day! It's the best way to relax and get better.
We can watch game shows all morning.
It's your summer vacation, Templeton.
You watch TV every day.
Besides, how am I supposed to relax with Ugh, it's a human car alarm! And why didn't Mom know about this kid? - Why should she? - Mommies always know.
New babies are the measuring stick to make sure their baby is superior.
No, something's wrong here.
Uppies to the window? If I help with this crying baby thing, you'll take the sick day? I'll reopen discussions.
Easy! I feel like I'm gonna pop a seam.
Can't tell where it's coming from.
I need my monitor, two walkie-talkies, binoculars, and a favor.
- It sounds like it's moving.
- Not possible.
Keep searching.
Where's that background on the new arrival, Hendershot? Hang on.
Just got your neighborhood file.
Will someone tell that baby to shut its mouth? Knock it off! Where is it? Steady, Timmy.
Hendershot, at least give me a home address.
Hmm.
Uh, Beebs, there is no new baby in your neighborhood.
What? No, that's a baby cry.
Nobody else makes a sound like Templeton, behind you! It's not a baby.
It's a copycat.
I didn't even mean it like that.
There's more than one of them.
- [man] Will you please shut your baby up? - My baby? That's your baby! Baby, shut up! What's happening? We got pockets of baby outrage blooming all over town.
More copycats? Gotta be at least This little piggy, this little piggy, this little piggy Five, maybe more.
I ran out of little piggies.
It's that maniac, Bootsy Calico.
He must've trained a small army of these shrieking pretenders.
Better get your field team on this, double-time.
- Way ahead of you - No! You are a sick baby.
You're too stressed, and you need to relax and watch TV with me.
Back, Templeton.
Let me Let me work through this.
I'm on a tight schedule.
Mommy and Daddy could be back with prune juice any minute.
- Prune.
- There has to be an easier way to do this.
I'm not paying for some fancy store-bought juicer! Give it! You are not working today.
Hard work fixes everything.
- You okay there, BB? - My baby brother is taking a sick day because he is constipated! - Wha-a-a - Oh, no.
a-a-a-a-a a-a-a-a-at? Mega Fat CEO Baby.
Did something clog your schnitzel chute? That's terrible-arious.
Mega Fat CEO Baby's sympathy is tainted with amusement.
It's not a problem.
My team can still take care of these copycats.
Party, party, celebration.
Love that good news.
Of course, your field team will have to stop the copycats without you because you're taking a si-si-si-sick day.
I just need to work.
Oh, oh, oh, no.
No work until you get the poo-poos out.
- Hmm? - If I catch you working, you're fired.
If your team fails without you, you're also fired.
- What? - Call it a catch number two.
Have fun at home with your man-baby, whatever his name is.
I want to say Cody.
- It's actually - Your name is now Cody.
All right.
Ooh! Templeton, pace me back and forth.
- Why? - Because it's dramatic and you owe me.
All right, these copycats are out there.
They're moving, and they're damaging our business more and more with every phony baby cry.
How are we supposed to catch them all, sir, even with the substitutes? - We're temporary! - Turn me, hands on hips.
You don't catch them all.
You catch one copycat and make it lead you to the ringleader, Bootsy Calico.
Stop him, you stop them.
- Brilliant! - Can't lose! I'll join you as soon as I can, uh offshore my personal assets.
Thank you for that disgusting illustration, Templeton.
- You're welcome.
- Tim, is the baby upstairs? We got the juice that'll make your stool loose.
- Juice? - No juice, Jimbo.
Just go, go, go! Oh! Babies! Snatch and grab.
We move stealthy and silent, like the cold hand of death.
- What if I need to be loud? - Don't.
- What if there's a ghost? - Ghosts are spooky.
- You have to scream.
- Cat got away.
Darn it! I don't think the prune juice is working.
Try to make him do this, therapeutic swaying.
It's a rock crusher for bowel blockages.
I do this before every movement.
- I feel weird when you call it a movement.
- It's a perfectly scientific word.
- Parents make movements too, Timmy.
- Mom! Ooh, yeah, yeah! I can really feel it dancing.
- Can I try to help the baby? - You really want to? You said he's stressed, and it just so happens his big brother is an expert relaxer.
He can hang out with me.
Game shows.
Aw! Honey, that's so sweet! Couldn't hurt.
I need to go make a movement now, anyway.
Come on! Put a pacifier in that thing already! Belly flop! Yay! I got the copykitty.
Get off of me, Jimbo! It knows how to copy Staci.
I am the mighty hunter! Boo! Okay, we've got cereal and look at all the game show options.
Stump the Chimp, The Two-Dollar Double Date.
Ooh! Name Those Noises! I find none of this enjoyable.
I should be out there with my team.
Well, you can't, okay? Your CEO boss said you can't work until you poop, or you get fired.
I'm a corner office baby.
I should be able to fill my diaper in two seconds flat.
This is mail room intern behavior.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Look, I didn't wanna tell you this because you're already stressed, but when sick days don't fix things, Mom and Dad have to try something worse.
Is worse faster? Because if so He's still hurting that bad? Tim, this was so sweet of you to try, but I think it's time.
No! We need to take him to the pediatrician.
You mean Dr.
Kevin? Yes, Dr.
Kevin.
Is it a pipe organ and an electric drill? You named those noises! Stop crying! Where's Bootsy Calico? How many copycats are out there? No more wah-wah! It's bad cop/good cop, Jimbo.
We can't both be the bad cop.
- Where's Bootsy Calico? - Who do you work for? - How long have you been a cat? - Stop it! There's just one bad cop, and it's me! Who put you in charge? Who put you in charge? We're interrogating the cat, not me! I got confused! Jimbo, stop petting the cat! I was being good cop.
What's happening? - What's wrong with Dr.
Kevin? - What's wrong with Dr.
Kevin? Shots! He wouldn't.
Medicine that tastes like a cherry barfed until it died.
- Not in my mouth.
- Your mouth if you're lucky.
- No! - And he doesn't even give stickers.
Where's the quid pro quo? - You do not want to go to Dr.
Kevin.
- I really don't.
Then forget relaxing.
You need to fill that diaper right now.
Agreed, but how? Whatever it takes.
Faster! Chug it! Now blow, but don't breathe.
Boo! It's constipation, not the hiccups.
Boo! No.
At least I'm trying.
You keep complaining about not being at your stupid work.
And why does that copycat sound like it's crying in our basement? - I'll go.
- You focus on pooping.
- Listen to me! - You're not the boss! - We don't have a boss.
- It's anarchy! The law can't touch me.
Yeah! Hey! What's going on? And why are you in our basement? I haven't cleaned mine up from the last interrogation.
What interrogation? You caught a copycat? - Yes! - Cat got away.
There it goes again! - I hate babies! - One, two, three, not my fault! - Not it! - Jimbo's fault! - Aw! - You were supposed to take care of this so my brother could relax and get unconstipated.
Oh, you're so perfect.
Why don't you tell us your copycat plan, huh? What? Uh, no.
My job was I don't have a I don't like being in charge.
I know what to do.
Yeah! Anarchy! Oh, no.
- Dad, where's the baby? - Your mom took him to see Dr.
Kevin.
- What? - Aw, you look stressed.
Sway with me.
No! You're listening to Clashing Opinions on Radio Drone.
Up next, diced onions on hot dogs? Yes or no? How is that even a question? No! Got him! Point-three klicks, straight ahead.
Joining us now on the spicy brown versus yellow mustard debate We're fortunate to have the junior senator from Pennsylvania.
Senator, where do you stand? Ugh! Grow a spine, ya flip-flopper! - Well said, Mr.
Senator.
- Stop praising him! No! If I could cut in here, let's agree that all decent real Americans - prefer untoasted buns.
- What? You don't speak for me! There's no call for that kind of language, Senator.
Toasted buns? Pure moral degeneracy.
I'll toast your buns, you shallow puddle - of toxic rain sludge! - Thank you, Senator.
We'll now take some calls.
Hello, you're on Templeton, what? We've got five minutes before Mom reaches Dr.
Kevin's office.
And probably ten before she stops yelling at talk radio and realizes you're gone.
I appreciate the temporary reprieve, but oh, it's kicking in there.
We're still in the same constipation situation.
Tell me you have a plan.
No, I do not.
And your team is a disaster without you.
Sir, for the record, I was very good.
You can put that in your report.
"Very good.
Staci.
A gold star of excellence, really.
" I'm I'm not seeing how this is helpful.
I don't like being in charge, but you do.
Being the boss makes you happy.
And being happy relaxes you.
And if you're relaxed Yes, thank you, all of you.
I got it without the restroom orchestra.
But the fact remains Mega Fat CEO Baby will fire me if he catches me working before I fill my diaper.
Bosses don't work.
They just give orders.
Loophole! So, what do we do, Boss? We fight stress with stress.
Incoming! More incoming! - Sir? - Wait for it.
Well, well.
Welly, well, wellsy, wellaby, well, well, well.
Boss Baby.
Bootsy Calico.
You obviously wanted my attention.
And tickle me plum pickled, here I am with so many of my naughty, noisy friends.
Stop crying already! - I hate babies! I hate all babies! - Ooh, I should get a cat! - Stop it! Stop it! - Is this what you wanted from your cute little cat-call stunt? No, I just wanted to let you know the office supply store is out of kitten stress toys.
I-I'm sorry.
Why would I care about? Because we bought them all.
Big hug! I hate cats! I hate all cats! I don't want any cats in this neighborhood! - They're worse than babies! - I hate cats! I hate cats! Call it mutually assured destruction.
Your crybaby copycats could wipe us off the love map, but now we cry-kitty-copy-babies could do the same to you.
So, Bootsy Calico, who's gonna blink? I respectfully withdraw.
See that you do.
We did it! And don't let me catch you in this neighborhood again Don't leak, don't leak, don't leak, don't leak! Turkey dogs are flavorless abominations, and we are done talking about this! Okay, baby, let's get you inside Dr.
Kevin Oh, sweet mercy! Is someone boiling cabbage? Oh, good boy! Did you just save Mommy an expensive doctor's office co-pay? Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.
Listen up.
We're shutting down the copycat program.
No, no, no.
It's all right.
Long game, sugar boogers.
Long game.
Besides, our star pupil already mastered the only sound my plan really needs.
Boss Baby