The Boss Baby: Back in the Crib (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

War of the Cheeks

1 - Hold all my Whoa! - [laughing.]
Boss Baby! ♪ I'm the boss, dial in to the meeting ♪ Everybody here? Please find your seating ♪ While you teething I'm sinking my teeth in ♪ First one to show So I could do all my greeting ♪ Profits, payrolls and pacifiers ♪ I make friends I love you, you're hired! ♪ So come on And raise your juice boxes skyward ♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Can a baby get a witness? ♪ Grab a high chair This the family business ♪ Boss baby ♪ [Boss Baby.]
Weird mascot Lumpy the Park Duck.
And the suspected member of that shady babysitting co-op The Uncuddleables, Tabitha's best friend Yvette.
That was my jaw opening in horror.
I am a chest of drawers.
Dez, we're secure.
Not sure you need to be in disguise Oh! [Dez.]
Constant state of readiness.
So, what do we do about this? First, we have to tell Tabitha.
Nope, nope, nope.
Bad idea.
She's unknowingly play-dating and sleepover-ing with the enemy! We have to tell her.
Tell her what? She's all about math and science and hard data.
Do we have actual proof Yvette's an Uncuddleable? I saw her turning babies into gold with alchemy.
I didn't, but I have no problem lying about this or anything.
Bless you for it, but Tina's right.
We need conclusive evidence [Tim chanting.]
Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! - [Tim & Carol.]
Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! - What is? - Tina, do you have any? Gah! - Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! [all.]
Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! Cheeks! [popping sounds.]
I'll miss you after you're institutionalized.
Gotta follow the rules.
A War of the Cheeks has been declared! - I'm sorry, a "War of the "? - [Tina.]
Cheeks! They're so chubby, I wanna kiss the paper! A Templeton family Go Fish tournament, with matching animal cards.
Three games, points carry over from round to round, and the winner gets declared "Cheeksmaster General.
" Didn't go with "Commander-in-Cheeks"? It's mostly a ceremonial title.
The Cheeksmaster does get to make rules the family has to live by for the day.
Remember when Tabitha made us wear socks on our hands? Or when she made it illegal to use R, L and D? "I emembe ike it was yeste-ay.
" And kids-parents bedtime switch? Brilliant.
You win this thing a lot? For seven months running.
And long may you reign.
As charming as all of this is, the field team is occupied right now, so Come on, Tina, let's This was the deal when we let you stay.
You live under our roof, participate in activities.
The girls are counting on this.
Oh, are "the girls"? Tina, explain to your actual mother and my cover story I hope I get the baby bear, I'm gonna get the baby bear.
[Boss Baby.]
Tina! I never got to play.
It's been torture! Having to sit there acting like a baby while the rest of the family makes animal matches.
But we have business.
Bosses? Were you coming back up, or? Just do your baby meeting later.
- Oh, you did not just - It's family time.
Track down proof of that "connection" we talked about, without us.
- Okay.
- On it.
I will require a trolley.
Let's superglue this family time.
Bonding thoroughly but as fast as possible.
Dames and dudes, the name of the game is Go Fish.
Standard house rules, no mercy.
The deck has 23 pairs of mama and baby animals: giraffes, whales, bears.
Love you, baby bear! [Tabitha.]
You win by matching up more pairs than the other players.
When it's your turn, you can ask any other player for a card to match one in your hand.
Mother, do you have the baby gecko? Hi-yah! Sadly, I do! [Tabitha.]
Made a match? Great.
You score one pair and your turn keeps going.
- Uncle Teddy, do you have the? - [Boss Baby.]
Hold up.
Need me to explain slower? No, I know how to play Go Fish.
I meant, hold up, why are you only dealing four hands? Oh, I'm a noncombatant in this war.
- I'll be Tina's helper.
- Yay! Daddy attention! - What happened to "It's family time"? - Tim doesn't play our silly game.
You know I know that's not true.
We grew up in this house.
You loved games, and I loved crushing you at them.
Your big, mad, pouty face.
It's more fun if I stay on the sidelines.
For who? Cheeks! Let's play.
[upbeat music playing.]
Spreading out the fishing pile.
That's where you'll grab a card if the player - I know how to play Go Fish.
- Jeez, okay.
I'm dying already.
Is there any way to hurry this up? Not really.
The War of the Cheeks is sacred, with traditions which must be respected.
All right, war on.
Oh, Lucky Carol got dealt a mama-baby chicken match.
[imitates chicken.]
Score one for the mama human! Nice one, Mom.
I mean, I got two pairs, but Oh, [chuckles.]
cheeky! Tabitha takes the early lead.
- Can we move this along? - Sure.
You can go, unless you need me to explain I know how to play Go Fish! Psychological gamesmanship? The warfare has already begun, in your mind.
Game on.
Let's make this quick.
- Carol-Mommy.
- Oh, yeah, no.
- We're not gonna call me that.
- Do you have a baby goat? It appears I do.
And might you also have a mama kangaroo? No.
Go fish.
Thank you, I will.
No match.
Who's next? Okay, Tina, you're up.
What we do is we look at our cards and try to figure out who might - Teddy, do you have the baby bear? - I do not.
Go fish.
- Darn! - No, that was actually good, see? You have the baby moose, so mama moose match and you get to go again.
High five! I don't feel I can give an honest high five while I'm sitting here cub-less.
I pass.
Mommy's turn.
No, you don't pass.
You ask about one of your other You think I wanna match these trash animals? - Honey, your cards.
- [yelps.]
Tim! You are actually worse as a helper than you were as a player.
Sure you don't wanna join? - Tina passes.
We need a minute.
- And adhesive bandages.
- It's not a cut, you don't need one.
- They make me feel safer.
- You wanna wait? - Nah, I saw her hand.
Nothing I need.
Tabitha, you holding that baby goose? Go fish.
Sorry, no bandages with baby bears on them.
Never mind, I'm good.
It's your turn.
Let's keep this moving.
- Mommy, the baby bear? - Sorry.
Go fish.
- Ugh.
- Awesome! You got lucky again.
So, okay, now maybe we ask for a Teddy, got a baby bear? Still no.
Doing a great job, coach.
Wow, lucky break.
Now let's think about - Tab! Still looking for bear baby.
- She doesn't have cards.
- [groans.]
- Stupid cows! Your smiles mock my longing! - Teddy, the baby bear? - Nope.
You already asked Rhinos? Come on! Mommy, do you have the baby bear? Aw, whale match.
Tabitha, help me out.
- Horses! - Tina.
You know I want that baby bear.
I hate you, giraffes! I will buy you a real bear cub if you stop.
Mom? Tab? - Teddy? - Go fish.
[angelic music playing.]
Yay! Baby bear! I'm out of cards.
- Baby armadillo? - Yup.
And with a whopping 12 matched animal pairs, Tina takes the early lead, a Game 1 victory and being named "Field Marshal von Snackmeister.
" Another? What happened to Cheeksmaster General? The lore of this ceremony runs deep.
Cheeksmaster is the overall title.
Game 1 winner gets to choose treats.
Von Snackmeister! - I'll help her.
- Thanks, Tabsy.
How does she? Like, mathematically JJ, sitrep on Yvette.
Where are we? Still upstairs.
Dez's dresser disguise was too big to fit down the attic stairs, so we were thinking window, but you still gotta find the right angle - [Dez screams.]
- [Pip.]
Never mind, we good! Timbo! Ready to join the fun? I'm helping Tina.
- [laughs.]
I could tell.
- Nope.
He already said he's not playing.
- Ignore him.
- I get it.
You're terrible, and you don't want to lose any lingering respect they have for you.
Ignore him.
It'll speed up the game, five fewer cards if we deal you in.
Everybody wins! Probably not you, historically speaking.
Ignore him.
Do you hear the bears? [imitating bear growl.]
"Timmy, take your kiddie card-game spanking like a big boy.
" - Deal me in.
- Honey.
- Great! - You can't come in late.
We already played.
How is that fair? A good point.
War of the Cheeks is a game of tradition, honor and rules.
Do any official statutes forbid a warrior from joining late? - Huh, I guess not.
- Then deal me in.
I choose vegetable puffs.
[heroic music playing.]
Tabitha, do you have baby fox? Go fish.
Play's to you, Tina.
- Mommy, do you? - I don't have baby bear.
Go fish.
He's so cute! - I fold.
- Not how the game works.
Daddy, any geckos? Mmm, sorry, kiddo, go fish.
So that's me? Okay.
Um Teddy, do you have mama fox? [Boss Baby snickers.]
- Dad! - Oh, honey.
Do you mean the mama fox that Carol clearly has because she asked Tabitha for the baby fox? Uh, no.
Go fish.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It's all happening again.
[Boss Baby.]
Sorry, I think we broke Daddy.
But the War of the Cheeks must go on.
Tab, show me how we play cards at the grown-up table.
Let's shift this train to the express tracks.
[imitates train whistle.]
[inaudible dialogue.]
Tim? Tim.
What's up? Uh It's your turn.
Tina, I'd like that mama gecko you're holding.
- Take it.
- Carol, cat, purdy please.
I do have one of those.
Teddy, you have a baby jaguar.
You'll note that wasn't a question.
[imitates jaguar growl.]
How could you have known that? Because I burned a whole round on a "mistake" just to get a feel.
Because after a childhood of board game beatdowns from my baby brother, I spent my college years and a semester abroad in Reno, learning every game from tic-tac-toe to cage match Slapjack.
Tab, hit me with that baby chick.
You think I didn't wanna play this game because I'm bad at it? Giraffe me, Carol.
I didn't wanna play because I don't like what the game does to me.
Because Teddy Templeton, you are playing Go Fish with a mama-baby shark in the pond! Teddy, horse baby.
I'll be taking that there orangutan off you.
And the zebra.
Stripes! Mama Templeton, Timmy boy needs a new baby sheep.
Baby tiger! Mrs.
Pig! Is she married? Maybe single mom, I don't wanna assume.
Goose baby! And finally Aw, moose finds his mommy.
That's a family! [Tim whooping.]
And that's Dad not only tying for the overall lead with Tina, but his Game 2 victory earned him the title Archbishop of Tunesbury.
He gets to pick the soundtrack.
Let there be tunes! The stakes are set, and the knives are sharpened.
Can Uncle Teddy accept losing to his brother? Can Mom keep control of her husband? Can Tabitha come back and retain her crown? Probably, because she's good at this game, but only a climactic Game 3 will tell.
Tim? Sugar buns? Go ahead.
Just choosing the ideal soundtrack for annihilating my brother.
Yeah, that's fun.
And I get it.
This is a children's game.
Which you are playing with your children.
We're good for you, but we crunch like we're bad for you.
Maybe we keep this fun for the kids? [laughs.]
It really is fun.
This is taking forever.
We need to prove the Yvette-Uncuddleables connection! Oh, yeah! "Oh, yeah"? - Did you? - Been living in the moment! But relax, team's on it.
Yo, JJ, what's the news? - Good? Great? - Nothing.
I put a tail on every known Uncuddleable, but none of them's made contact.
Keep at it.
We'll join as soon as we can [Tim.]
Boom! Apparatus Courthouse, "Music for the Robots to Love and Be Sad By.
" - That's a baby-crushing soundtrack.
- I got that for you, Mr.
Tab's Dad.
Yvette? Didn't know you were coming.
I assume an open window is an invitation.
- Did she hear anything? - Hope not the "baby-crushing soundtrack" because that is open for misinterpretation.
- Think there's a good interpretation? - [Yvette.]
Dudes! You guys are Go Fishing? That is so wholesome! We spend evenings cutting out cologne samples and rubbing them on our handsomest porcelain figurines.
Can I join? That'd be awesome, you'll love War of the Cheeks.
It's so funny, we have all these weird rules Tabitha, this is really more of a family thing.
Well, good thing I have a family.
Deal me in.
Yvette's my best friend and increases the odds of my comeback win by 11.
I don't think she'd have much fun playing with a couple of babies.
- [babbling.]
- [Yvette.]
You kidding? I'm in a babysitting co-op, I love the little tater totters.
War of the Cheeks is a game of tradition, honor and rules.
Do any official statutes forbid a warrior from joining the battle late? [suspenseful music playing over speakers.]
Game's changed.
We tell Tabitha.
We don't have proof, and if we're wrong, we'd snap the brain of an innocent.
That brain's already a mixed bag.
Don't you see what Yvette's doing here? If she wins, she gets to make up "wacky rules" the family has to live by for the rest of the day! My brain's already running scenarios.
I decree all babies in this house shall be worn as shoes! - [grunting and crying.]
- [Yvette cackles.]
Mommy and Daddy wouldn't sign off on that one, but it's freaking me out! We have to make sure she does not win.
Should be easy.
Coming in this late, she'd need a miracle to catch up.
Ka-chunk-a-ching! Two pairs right off the deal.
And I get to go first? Mrs.
Temp, you got the other half of this 'dilla? - You holding a horse baby, Papa T? - [groans.]
Chick-a-chick-a-mama-chicken! - [grumbles.]
Your turn, Tina.
- How's that work? [babbling.]
Sorry, Baby Tina, Mommy doesn't have a baby bear.
Oink, oink.
I'm looking for a rhino.
- [babbling.]
- What's that, Baby Teddy? Didn't quite get that.
[imitates cow.]
Oh, sorry, I don't have the horsie.
Go fish.
You're going down dirty.
Zoink! Hooked one! How do you not have a deer? Somebody wanna check for goats? [exclaims.]
[makes an animal sound.]
I honestly have no idea.
- I claim your gecko! - [groans.]
Zebra? [babbling.]
Sorry, honey, still no.
[Tina babbling.]
Baby Tina, do you have any bears? [robot voice.]
My robot heart is breaking.
[EKG flatlining.]
At least my friend isn't an Uncuddleable! Dang! You guys got a talking baby? Your brain is okay with this? Meh.
The world is full of wonders.
She does have a goldfish that grew toes.
- I call him Finfoot.
- Maybe she's immune to weirdness? Great, we can talk! [Yvette.]
Dang! Second talking baby.
So are we just ignoring she's one of The Uncuddleables? - The what? - The who? The babysitting co-op! That's who you guys have been calling your new archnemeses? Yvette and her friends? And they're evil because they babysit? You guys really lowered the bar on archnemeses.
They gave a kid a trike when they knew that was this other baby's 5%-er thing! And they tried to make this one baby frown and the baby is ugly when he frowns.
Wow, judgy.
Their mascot Lumpy the Park Duck gave a baby lice.
His name is Curtis! [laughs.]
A duck named Curtis? Now, let's finish this Cheek War.
[suspenseful music playing.]
Teddy, do you have the kangaroo mama? Go fish.
No! Yes! What's the point? It's all down to this.
Fishing pond's empty, Daddy's up next, but his two cards can't match, so he must I know how to play Go Fish! That's not the problem.
You can't catch up.
- Yeah.
- So? Yeah.
Yvette, do you have the baby fox? [scoffs.]
Teddy, do you have the mama fox? It appears I do.
And, Yvette, baby kitty? Dang.
And with that mistake from Baby Teddy, Timothy Leslie Templeton, you are our new Cheeksmaster General! Yeah! Nice win, Templeton.
[clears throat.]
Nice win, Master of Cheeks, Superior Card-Playing Brother, My Inspiration in All Things, In Whose Presence I Look Like a Hairy Drain Clog By Comparison - Do I have to use the full title? - Mm-hm.
Sorry, man.
But thanks.
Sometimes you have to lose the War to win the battle for This doesn't make any sense, but you get it.
At least you stopped whatever Yvette was planning.
Sorry your streak got broke.
But, hey, no Cheeksmaster duties means you and me get more time to hang.
Always a bright side.
Unless she was playing the same lose-to-win strategy.
Come on, we can walk my goldfish.
[theme music playing.]
Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ Y'all heard the story But you know what the twist is? ♪ Welcome to the family business Boss baby ♪
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