The Boss Baby: Back in the Crib (2022) s01e12 Episode Script

The Great Medieval London Fire of 1135

1 Hold all my Boss Baby! ♪ I'm the boss dial in to the meeting ♪ Everybody here? Please find your seating ♪ While you teething I'm sinking my teeth in ♪ First one to show So I can do all my greeting ♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪ I make friends I love you, you're hired ♪ So come on And raise your juice boxes skyward ♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Can a baby get a witness? ♪ Grab a high chair This the family business ♪ Boss baby ♪ Simmons, do you trust me? - Meh.
- Do you trust me? With my life.
I get them when I'm nervous.
Don't touch it.
We've got a looky-loo.
Split up.
Katja, wanna join my Poetry Club? It's haiku night.
What's this all about? The end of Baby Corp's five percenter system.
What? The five percenter system works.
The cutest babies generate the most love.
Let me diagram it.
We got some babies up here in the top 5% cuteness zone and more down here in the average-to-yikes region.
So when Baby Corp says these cuties deserve more love, what you wind up with is a big old butt.
I don't wanna be a big butt.
No one does.
That's why some of us are fighting back.
Nannycam's never gonna agree.
Why do you think we're all secretive? Eight signature lines for the heads of all eight Baby Corp departments.
If all eight agree to end the five percenter system, forget what Nannycam says.
We can take this to her bosses, the Board of Directors.
We got IT, HR, and, of course, Tina and me in Field Operations.
R & D would put us halfway there.
But if we don't get all eight, we're probably getting fired.
HR keeps it real, okay? So this is where you are hiding.
Hide the butt.
Uncuddleables are attacking a five percenter.
Oh, thank good This atrocity will not stand.
It's Fights Himself in Mirror Baby.
For reals? No.
I love that kid.
Saw him drop-kick a puddle once.
What's the sitch? These two are hogging the only mirror at Junior Fancy Junior's.
- It's okay.
Big kids will be done soon.
- Any time now.
Baby Love's getting dicey.
Tell me you got something going.
Too public for open conflict.
Pip, think you can run interference on Mia? I never think.
That twerp jacked my ride.
Dez, you're up.
Ready to be a cute baby's cute punching bag? I am a shoe bench with a mirror.
It'll be my honor.
There you go.
Stick your reflection and move.
- No, you don't.
- Whoa! That baby can take a beating.
How's the revolution going? Not bad.
Another department head signed.
We should do a barbecue or Sorry.
Sorry? Since when do Uncuddleables apologize? Uh, let's check on Pip.
I got holes open and stuff's falling out.
Send medical assistance.
They're fighting dirty.
Pip's down.
No one messes with my team.
Oh, he's fighting himself.
Legend does it again.
That was Terrible.
We almost get busted by Security Baby Katja, then I got Austin apologizing during distraction ops.
Ah! Sorry.
Ah! We can't risk getting sloppy.
Not while this secret revolution is short four department heads.
- Three.
Chip's on board.
- Give me that paper.
The Legal Department is signing on.
- That snack stealer is in Legal? - Head of Legal.
You only need three more department heads.
Uh, it's not about how many are left.
It's about who is left.
Keep my jam going, Antonio, 'cause HR is about to get personnel funky.
Challenge 1, Bad Idea Baby in Marketing.
Whatever the smart move is, don't count on him making it.
Challenge 2, Amal in Accounting.
Yeah, Amal's a company baby.
He'll be the trickiest recruit.
Challenge number ultimate, Security Baby Katja.
It's me.
I know babies better than their own pediatricians.
Heck, I'll start with Katja.
Put on my best how-are-you smile.
Uh, what's a how-are-you smi? Oh, how sweet of you.
I'm all good.
Whoa, those gums got some kick.
And march right down to her office.
I doubt you'll find her there.
I see her in the High Security Wing when I work on the UltraBaby Omega doodad.
What doodad? Some tech designs Nannycam had me work up for UBO.
Pretty hush-hush.
Whoa, weird.
Nannycam had me working on some voice recognition software.
She said that was a hush-hush UBO thing.
Whoa, weird.
Nannycam asked me to write some hush-hush legal memos to protect Baby Corp if it became public knowledge she authorized the use of a cute baby to torture teenagers.
And guess who found a loophole.
Nannycam had everyone working on slices of this plan, but no one knows the whole pie.
I'm sure it was inspiring in duck.
Curtis, no.
He's offering to be bait, to get inside, and help us learn more about the UBO plans.
I play two instruments, and those are the only options you get.
We brought a present.
- Lumpy Curtis.
- Gonna take him down for questioning.
- Figured you'd wanna hear the good news.
- Hold up.
Hot idea.
I've been cooking something V top-secret.
I was looking for a guinea pig to test it on.
But, hey, I'll take a gross duck.
Great timing.
Suspiciously coincidental.
I love coincidences.
I call them nature's made-you-looks.
Let's go.
Keep Nannycam busy.
I'll get to work on Katja.
Your face is broken.
Admiring your leash holding.
You could be in a dog show.
Dogs grow from puppies.
Puppies are our enemies.
Are you a traitor? No, I just think those dog shows are silly.
Your chitchat is bad.
Possibly because of your broken face.
We will walk in silence now.
Top-secret plans, huh? Should I be nervous? All good.
I'm looking to go out a legend myself.
Go out a legend? - Okay, you know these two? - He was in every movie last year.
She's on every magazine cover.
- Love her album.
- Love his album.
World's most beautiful celebrity couple.
People who know their way around a camera.
And so will their new bundle of joy, Always on Camera Baby, me.
That's your secret plan? Retiring? In Hollywood celebrity baby style.
Then what are we doing here? We have a retirement party to plan.
I told you, I wanna go out a legend.
But Uncuddleables came looking to take it down, sabotaged that baby pageant.
Remember how our UBO got exposed longer than eight seconds, and it was so painful to look at everybody scream like their eyes were trying to bite their faces? It was a week ago, and I was there.
Let me tell you what I saw up on that stage.
A vision.
Don't cover those eyes.
I don't wanna look longer than eight seconds.
Leave that worry in the past.
The future is here.
Is that UBO? Well, it's a suit with its own artificial intelligence and threat-detection software, but our nukey-cutie UBO's inside.
Check this out.
Enemy detected.
The theory was, harness the power of UBO's so-cute-it's-painful adorability into one focused burst, and it'll render any enemy completely terrified of babies.
Theory proved.
I'm taking down those Uncuddleables, and going out laughing.
I don't want my brain lasered until I fear babies.
I am an actor, and a babysitter, and only one pays.
We made a deal.
And you made a superweapon? They didn't do it on purpose.
Stop being a corporate kiss-up.
Stop attacking my boss.
Stop attacking our brains.
Stop fighting.
Dad says, "Never waste a cookie.
" Every baby is risking their jobs to change things at Baby Corp.
You're not the ones with a superweapon targeting your skull spaghetti.
But that's the whole thing.
UBO isn't a weapon.
She's a baby.
She deserves love like anybody else left behind by this five percenter system.
So we're not gonna stop UBO? No, we're gonna save her.
Ma'am, we still need three department head signatures.
- I'll take the lead on signatures.
- I'll take UBO.
You designed her security.
How do we get in? I'm good at designing security wings, so you don't.
Only authorized babies and prisoners.
None of us is authorized.
Okay, what about the other thing? Not happening.
We prepped everything he'll need.
Supplies, change of clothes.
They planned for everything.
Did you plan for me saying no? I'm saying no.
I made a personal privacy shield so you don't have to watch it happen.
You're a baby, but things still happen if you don't watch.
- Carol, we've got no other option.
- They've got no other option.
My love, my life, there's a baby stuck in a mechanized anti-teenager weapon suit.
The only way to rescue her is if I take a carefully dosed bottle of age-reducing formula made by a magic baby corporation in the clouds.
Go save the UBO.
Deploy personal privacy shield.
Woo! Uncuddleable Tim's ready to be taken prisoner.
My armpits stink.
Ow! Pimple in my nostril.
I'm so hungry.
Oh, my gosh.
You're my wife.
You're so pretty.
Oh, no.
Um How's it going? Wanna see how high I jump a bike? This is why I said no.
Amal, got a second? You came.
The flyers worked.
Hey, y'all, it's Poetry with Amal.
Yup, that's exactly why we're here.
Hark Niagara Falls On this day It calls me - Thank you.
Tina, share.
- My turn.
Dreams are fun I have them A ton You know what isn't fun? The five percenters' sys-tum I don't like the treason your poetry suggests.
- I suggest we hear Pip's poem.
- I didn't prepare any dope rhymes.
Poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
Ugly trees eating soup Couch wars A brick that's a toy I wish swords screamed When they were being swung Swinged? Swang? - Can I stop talking? - Yes.
That's poetry.
It shakes my core and lights my soul on fire.
I'm so poet-pumped.
I wanna do something crazy.
Like signing a petition to end Baby Corp's five percenter policy? Now we're rocking the cradle.
Amal's in.
Just need Security and Marketing.
How's your thing going? Where is my duck? I'm Big Jimmy Bearhands, the Uncuddleable so crazy, you can't hire me to babysit without a prescription.
I've come to liberate my duck brother.
I demand to see Curtis.
Well, you got your wish, punk.
Throw him in a high-security cell.
You caught a non-duck one? Warm up my UBO fraidy-blaster.
And tell that Uncuddleable to slap on some Buttsnuggers diapers.
He'll be fine.
You just cover your end.
With the five percenter system gone, more babies get love, which, for a marketing genius like yourself, seems a no-brainer.
I hate this idea.
I knew it.
He's way too cool for our revolution.
I didn't say that.
What's this revolution called? Maybe you could give us a name? Gotta be something catchy that tells people we're all about spreading the warmth, and what we do is gonna change everything.
The Great Medieval London Fire of 1135.
- Eh - I love it.
I'm in.
No, it's wearing off? Not yet.
I haven't tried standing without my knees cracking.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
I popped the cuffs.
What's the plan to get me out? Rip the door open.
It's a prison for babies.
Where were you last time Tabitha and I were stuck in those cells? Don't ask questions, just go.
Twenty paces down the corridor, then right.
What do you see? Uh, the gates of heaven, but decorated by the CIA? You're there.
Door code is circle-circle-heart-circle-triangle.
I don't think the UBO - Tim, watch out.
- Stealth mode.
I'm okay.
Stubby-legged devil! Someone's after UBO.
Time to fake our deaths and start fresh with new identities.
I'm feeling like a Cody.
No, Cod Pip.
Great name.
But we need to finish our mission.
Hammer team to High Security Wing.
Headshark team, with me.
And I I I gotta go.
We can't get to you.
Let us in.
I can't.
When I hear your voice, I think of your face and your button nose and soft bulbous head.
You have to fight this.
Down the hall.
And hurry.
Can you please sound less like a baby? There should be a button outside the door.
Press it.
And see a bunch of toddling demons? No, thanks.
Would you prefer to look at your shoes? I have a limited skill set.
- There they are.
- Get them.
Tim, press that button now.
I did it.
- Great work.
Somebody get Curtis.
- Protect the UBO.
You, robot suit.
Let the UBO out of there.
Request denied.
Oh, you want this to get nasty? No, you are Baby Corp.
Not when Baby Corp isn't Baby Corp.
Traitor detected.
Traitor? Pal, look in the mirror.
Ahh! There's a baby inside of me.
Deploy personal privacy shield.
It's all right.
We're getting you out of here.
- Situation update on UBO - Got a minute? One sec? Chitchat.
Real quick.
I do not wish to be your airplane.
Oh, come on.
I just wanna talk.
No, you want me to join your subversive anarchist collective.
Why didn't we use that name? You knew? Security knows everything.
Why didn't you tell? Your cause is righteous.
The five percenter system is shameful.
- Then you're joining us? - Never.
- But you just - Never.
Why not? Because I don't know how to write my own name.
Neither do half the babies here.
Chip drew a weird pizza, and he's a lawyer.
- I can teach you to write your name.
- If I join your revolution, you'd do that? I'd do that if you don't join.
Sometimes babies just need help.
For now could you just draw a fist? The meter's running.
Nannycam, I found UBO.
She's in the board of director's office.
- UBO? Yo, hey, who's seen? - She's not here.
Wait a shameful minute.
This UBO breakout was you two? Just read this.
This is your play? Go behind my Buttsnuggers? Have the board get rid of me? No, you're great.
But it's time to let go of the five percenter system.
Still room for one more signature.
Join us.
Join the Great Medieval London Fire of 1135.
Keep your crayon.
I won't sign anything.
And what is this legally binding document I see before me? Your boardly avatars? We learned how to videoconference.
- Hail technologic efficiency.
- I'm on my yacht.
Sirs, ma'ams, tablet phantoms, this is a petition to end the five percenter system.
Signed by the heads of all eight departments.
You wish to end the five percenter system when Baby Corp is thriving? That's what I'm saying.
Baby Love has never been higher.
Tell them, Board Baby Demarius.
Baby Corp was created to bring love to all babies.
That's this company's bottom line.
This company's bottom line has always been its bottom line.
And thanks to the five percenter system, our bottom line is bounteous.
But we made a petition.
And we thank you for showing us whom to fire.
Hey, just wanted to say, I'm sorry it played out this way.
But thank you that it played out this way.
Because I cannot imagine going out a bigger legend than I am right now.
Keep the UBO and your Uncuddleables.
I'm jumping into that five percenter Hollywood life today.
Oh, today might not be great.
Feels pretty great.
Yeah, but it's possible we already delivered your celebrity couple a more worthy new baby.
Who is it? It's them.
I gotta get a picture.
It's a privacy shield hoop curtain, like we celebrities use.
Let's lower it dramatically.
Shouldn't someone warn them not to stare too long into? Aww.
What a perfectly normal-looking baby by our standards.
Oh, right.
They're incredibly attractive.
Welcome to the family, baby girl.
While the moon her watch is keeping ♪ All through the night ♪ While the weary world is sleeping ♪ All through the night ♪ O'er thy spirit gently stealing ♪ Visions of delight revealing ♪ Breathes a pure and holy feeling ♪ All through ♪ Stop whining.
It's a job.
It's not like the end of the world.
Do what I did when I lost a job I loved.
Start your own.
Your way.
I've seen great businesses start with a lot less talent and passion than I see in this room.
I got recruited to the junior yakuza, but I'm open to other careers.
I think it's a great idea too.
I'm just scared to look you in the face to say it.
I'll take care of that.
- Can I set up here? - What's the Wi-Fi password? We're actually doing this? Our own Baby Love company? You tell me, co-CEO.
Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ Boss baby ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ Y'all heard the story But you know what the twist is? ♪ Welcome to the family business Boss baby ♪
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