The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s01e03 Episode Script

1 All change, please.
Train terminates here.
All change.
Are you talking to me? - Yeah.
It's the last stop.
- Am I bothered? - Pardon? - Am I bothered, though? - This is the last stop.
- Am I bothered? I said you have to get off.
Look, love, I'm not gonna argue with you.
What did you call me? Did you call me love? I ain't your love, though.
Are you disrespecting me? This is the last stop.
Do you understand? - Get off or I'll call the police.
- Am I bothered? Do I look bothered? - I'm not arguing with you.
- Does my face look bothered? - This train's going nowhere.
- Is my face bothered? - This is the last stop and you have to get off.
- I ain't bothered.
- Oh, mummy, how did it go last night? - Oh, darling, aren't you sweet to ask me that? - Was it a triumph? Was it stellar? - You know mummy always tells the truth.
Of course.
We have no secrets.
Because I want you to grow up to be brave little soldiers, I'm going to be honest with you and tell you thatThat last night, mummy almost ran out of extra virgin olive oil.
Darling, tell all! It was horrific.
We were having guests for supper.
I opened the cupboard and I was down to the last four bottles.
- Mummy, you're shaking.
- I just could not cope.
The reality is so different to anything you can imagine.
It just completely floored me.
- We had no idea.
- Are you ok talking about this? Oh, yes, I'm fine, darling.
Really, I'm fine.
I got through it.
I had to get through it.
I had bruschetta in the aga, olives marinading in the larder, sea bass on the griddle.
- I needed another litre for drizzling alone.
- What did you do? I knew I had to get help, and somewhere in the chaos and the despair, I I suddenly felt this surge of strength and calm rise within me.
- How amazing.
- It was, actually.
I had the presence of mind to phone daddy, and thank God I did.
He was fantastic.
He said, ''I can buy some from the shop on my way home.
'' And he did.
- Did he really? - He did, yeah.
He absolutely did.
Just like that.
He came in like a knight in shining armour and saved my life.
''Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
'' he was fantastic.
I shudder to think what I'd have done without him.
What if he'd been driving through a tunnel and lost his signal? - You'd have had to drive to the shops yourselt.
- Shh.
Come on.
Don't let's upset ourselves.
Gosh, it really does put everything into perspective, doesn't it? Agh! - Ahem.
- Agh! For goodness' sake! Agh! Michael, honestly! I thought we moved to the country for a bit of peace and quiet! - What are you thinking, ma'am? - I'm thinking, ''how about this?'' suppose, just for the sake of argument, that the bullet didn't enter the body? But it did, ma'am.
He's dead, and it's because of the bullet going straight through his heart.
I know that, but for the sake of argument, let's say the bullet did not enter the body.
- That would mean Stevens was still alive.
- Exactly.
If there was no bullet, Stevens would still be very much alive.
But he's not, ma'am.
He's dead.
I know that, Whittaker, but just suppose there was no bullet.
What would that mean? Well, it would mean that Stevens would still be alive and we wouldn't be here investigating his murder.
Exactly.
I'm not sure where you're going with this, ma'am.
- Shoot me with the murder weapon, Whittaker.
- What? Take this and shoot me in the heart.
- Um - Just do it.
It'll be perfectly ok.
I just need to be certain that a bullet in the heart is enough to kill someone.
I think I'm sure it will kill you, ma'am.
- Just squeeze the trigger.
- I really don't want to kill you, ma'am.
How do you know you'll kill me? This is a .
44 Magnum, and I'm standing a foot away from you.
Oh, Whittaker, Whittaker! Just when I thought you were making progress.
- Did you go to the café today? - Yeah.
- Did you see Donna? - I've not told you, have I? - What? - I didn't see her today.
- You didn't see Donna? Why not? - She didn't turn up.
- She didn't turn up? - No.
- What do you mean, no? - She weren't there.
- Where was she? - I dunno.
- What did you do? - I've waited.
Yeah, you'd have to wait.
- I'm sitting there - Did she turn up? - No.
- And you're waiting for her? - I'm waiting for her.
I'm sitting there.
- On your own? - I'm on me own, ain't I? - No! - Yeah! That's what I'm telling ya.
- Stop it! - I am sitting there on me own, waiting for her.
- And she's still not turned up? She's still not turned up, and I'm sitting there waiting for her on me own like a nutter.
Don't make me laugh! - I can't believe it! - Was Vicky working? - She's seen me walk in.
- So she's been watching you.
- Yeah, she's been clocking me the whole time.
- How funny! - She's seen me look round for Donna.
- She knows Donna's not there.
- She knows Donna's not there.
- She's letting you look round.
- She has let me carry on.
- I bet she was laughing, weren't she? - She was in fits.
- What did you look like? I dunno.
So what's happened? - I've ordered me lunch.
- You'd have to, wouldn't ya? I've ordered me tuna Mayo baguette and cappuccino.
I wanted a rocky road crunch, but I'd had some snack-a-Jacks.
I thought, ''don't take liberties.
'' - here we go - I know, but that ain't it.
- I've looked down.
What have they given me? - What? - What am I looking at? - What have they done? They have presented me with a cheese and sundried tomato panini and a frappuccino.
Me sandwich is hot, me coffee's cold, she still ain't turned up - what is my life like? Who served ya? - Gino.
He's out of control! - I'd love to have seen that.
I said to Vicky, ''Paul will love this!'' it's like a film sometimes, your life, innit? D'you know, that is exactly right.
- Right, that's Stella.
- That'll be yours.
- And a pint of Armstrong's.
- Oh! Perfection.
- Mmm.
- Oh! There's only one thing better - than a pint of real ale.
- Two pints.
Oral sex.
I was only joking.
Right, bunty, love.
We've got your award here.
Before we send it to the engraver's, we need you to approve the inscription.
''Presented to commemorate 25 years of unfailing service to the Doncaster spinners, ''bunty Carmichael, a major majorette.
'' oh, Geoff, it's beautiful.
It's more than beautiful.
- It's lovely.
- You've had a long run with the spinners.
It's only fair you bow out in style.
- Bow out? What do you mean, bow out? - Don't start.
We've spoken about this before.
We've spoken about whether I want to go into the individuals, and I've told you time after time I don't.
I'm a team player, Geoff, you know that.
- I know, and we all admire your enthusiasm.
- Enthusiasm is that what I've got - enthusiasm? You don't get those for enthusiasm, Geoff.
Sheffield 1992 - best original twirl.
Eastbourne 1981 - best overall presentation.
Halifax 2oo1 - best combination twirl.
Hull 1989 - endurance champion.
That's not a sash with medals on it, Geoff.
Blood, sweat and tears, that's what that is.
Blood, sweat and tears.
Nobody's questioning your ability.
You're the best we've got.
It's just thatWithout you, the average age of the team is 12.
You'd be better suited with a display team that've got members nearer your own age.
- What about drum corps? - Drum corps? Are you serious?! They're doing very well in the regionals and they're in dire need of twirlers.
Yes, exactly - regionals.
They're doing very well in the regionals! I'm national, Geoff.
You know I am.
- I'm on the brink of European.
- It's not just your age we've got to consider.
- There are other things.
- Such as? - Safety.
- Meaning? - Your new display twirl -The big dipper! - What about it? - The big dipper.
Your Baton's going up 25 foot in the air.
Geoff, you know when I catch that throw, it brings the house down.
But when you don't catch it, you're bringing children down.
You're lucky we've not been sued.
25 years? I don't know what to say.
All right.
Look, what about teaching? Geoff, what I do, you can't teach.
Bury st edmunds 1989, when I broke the 4oo-twirls-per-minute barrier.
There was an official enquiry to see if my Baton had been electronically enhanced.
After the all clear, mc Alan amos christened me ''the twirlminator''.
How am I gonna teach that? - I don't know.
- And it's not just about ability.
What about dedication? Do you remember Bradford '94 when I broke both wrists going for the speed record? The doctor told me I wouldn't twirl for six months.
Next Saturday, where was I? I was there on the front row with both arms in plaster, blowing a whistle and doing high kicks.
But if that's not good enough for you, Geoff, well, that's fine by me.
- Bunty, love, why don't we? - No, Geoff, don't.
You've said enough.
Cheers.
I get knocked down but I get up again you're never gonna keep me down i get knocked down but I get up again I'm like ''euw!'' And he's like ''wow!'' I'm like ''dude!'' And he's like ''cool!'' I'm like ''so?'' And he's like ''well?'' I'm like ''duh!'' And he's like ''what?'' I'm like ''no!'' And he's like ''yes!'' I'm like ''bye!'' And he's like ''oh!'' - you must be Carole.
How's it going? - Oh, hello.
- I'm Bernie.
- Hi, Bernie.
- You've just moved from st Anne's, haven't you? - Yes.
- How are you doing? - Great, thanks.
- Not having any bother with the porters? - No.
Everyone's made me feel really welcome.
Oh, grand.
One or two of them can be a little bit frisky, if you know what I mean.
Especially Malcolm in a & e.
You have to give him the old green light, but after that, he won't take no for an answer.
He's got big hands, you know what I'm saying? I hear it's the busiest a & e in the region.
I'd like a bit of experience there.
Oh, you'll get experience there, all right, know what I mean? There's a lovely black guy - Colin.
Security.
Works nights.
My God, he's one big lump of a man.
When I said experience, I was referring to nursing.
Oh, God! Will you listen to me? You must think I'm a right whore! I just mean they're a decent bunch of lads for the crack, you know.
- I think that's my lunch, so I'd better get on.
- You going to the canteen? I'll walk down with you.
I was just saying to big Karen on the desk, we need a bit of new blood in here.
Something young with a bit of life.
It's nigh on impossible to get anyone to go on the pull with these days.
What do you say? A few bacardi breezers, a couple of big navvies down the archway tavern, you know what I mean? I've got a partner, so probably not.
Haven't we all, though? Just 'cause you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't dribble over the menu, does it? Actually, I should warn you, ermThere's been a few problems on queen Elizabeth ward.
- Really? - Yeah.
Old fella in for a brain scan keeps exposing himselt to the female staff.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
I know.
Yeah.
Actually, he's not really old - probably late 5os.
Obviously taken quite good care of himselt! - Bernie, this is very serious.
- I know.
- Who else knows about this? - He doesn't do it all the time.
Thursday nights are the best.
I think there's some sexy programme on channel 4 he likes.
It certainly puts the lead in his pencil, know what I mean? Bernie, I don't think you realise how serious this matter is.
- It sounds as though you're encouraging him.
- He doesn't need any encouragement.
He's like a puppy in a sausage factory.
Fair play to him, it's not the biggest I've seen on the ward, but you know what they say - if it's more than a mouthful, it's a waste! Since I started here on Monday, I have tried not to listen to the rumours about you, but it seems everything they say is true.
Oh, thanks, Carole.
That's really sweet.
- That wasn't a compliment.
- No.
I've had to redo all the beds you made.
Halt of them hadn't even had their sheets changed.
Oh, no, no, Carole.
Between you and me What I tend to do is give 'em a good sniff.
If they're not too whiffy, I leave 'em on for another couple of days.
I didn't hear that! - What I tend to do is - Bernie! I'm going to get my lunch, and then I'm going to request a meeting with sister Hughes.
Yeah, Carole, no worries.
Just go and get your lunch, yeah.
I'm cutting down meselt.
Got a right slut of a dress for the summer.
I'm gonna get into it if it kills me! Yeah, you wish! So I'm like so bored, and he's like ''hey, there.
'' And I'm like ''hey, you.
'' he's like ''wanna hang?'' And I'm like ''ok.
'' he's like ''really?'' And I'm like ''whatever.
'' He's like ''supremo!'' I'm like ''oh-oh!'' he's like ''baby!'' And I'm like ''excuse me?'' He's like ''you want me!'' I'm like ''seriously?'' I'm like ''nuh-uh!'' And he's like ''yuh-uh!'' I'm like ''no way!'' And he's like ''you bet!'' I'm like ''I don't think so!'' I'm like ''loser!'' And he's like ''slut!'' - hello, nan.
- Here he is! You come up and see me? You come up and see me, ain't ya? - Brought your guinness.
- You are a good boy.
- Are you all right? - No, I'm not.
I'm fucking raving! - What's the matter now? - They still ain't been to do me windows.
I waited in all day.
They said they'd be here by 12 but there's no sign of 'em.
I've sat here like a poor unfortunate.
- Well, you know what the council are like.
- People are gonna think I'm lousy.
They'll see them windows and think this is a doss-house.
If I could get up there, I'd do 'em meselt, but I can't climb, see? - I'll do it for you.
- No, you won't! I'm not having you breaking your neck.
Let that lot do it.
No-good layabouts! Three times I've rang her, that Roberts woman.
- Who's she? - District housing officer or something, innit? Great big office she's got, and she's getting paid for sitting there scratching herselt.
Oh, it makes me wild! I wouldn't mind, but you can bet your life they'll send some poor silly COD who don't know shit from Clay.
Last one they sent had no ladder so he couldn't reach the tops of me windows.
- They don't want the work.
- Why don't I do it? I'll get on the chair.
Don't you dare! I'm not having you risking your life.
No, no.
Wouldn't they like it, eh? Oh, yes.
That would suit 'em, wouldn't it, eh? Everyone doing their own windows - people falling out and killing 'emselves.
- It won't take two minutes.
- If you get on that chair, I won't let you through that door any more.
All right.
I'm sorry.
That's it.
See what they do to me? Fucking lowlifes! I bet that's them now.
What's the time? Look at the time! Halt-past four.
12 o'clock they said they'd be here.
They make you sick! I'll go, nan.
Stay here, please.
Waiting like that ain't right.
- It's these in here.
- Sorry to be so late, mrs Taylor.
Oh, what's that? Is that someone at the door? - It's the window-cleaner from the council.
- Who is it? - I know you've been waiting.
I do apologise.
- Was that today? - I didn't realise that was today.
- Yeah, Wednesday.
Sorry.
I'm two men down.
I did the whole nursing home on me own.
Don't worry about me.
I don't take no notice.
- It don't matter if it ain't done today.
- No, it's no trouble at all.
Don't worry about filling up your bucket, son.
Just wipe 'em over.
Would you like a cup of tea? Get the fella a cup of tea.
He's gasping.
I'm fine.
The ladies at the home kept me well supplied.
Did they? - Poor dears.
Have a sandwich, then.
- That's very kind but I won't, thanks.
- I've got a lovely bit of boiled bacon.
- No, really.
I'll just get me stepladder - and do the top of the windows.
- Don't worry about that.
- No one's looking at my windows.
- It's no problem.
No! That's lovely what you done there.
That's all I want.
I'm very much obliged to you, sweetheart.
- Truly I am.
- I'll be off, then.
All right, sweetheart.
Take care.
Thank you very much! Much obliged to you, I really am.
I mean that.
What a fucking liberty! Look at the state of them windows! He ain't touched 'em! He ain't touched 'em! Ooh, I shall be on the phone tomorrow morning.
He had to go and do the nursing home? What do they care, all that silly old lot? Halt of 'em are sitting in their own piss, the rest of 'em are smearing the walls with shit! What do they care if their windows are clean or not? - Why didn't you let him? - Get up there and do them windows! - People will be talking about me now.
- You said - Get on that chair, you no-good noncepot! - You said it was too dangerous.
Don't be such a fucking old Mary-Anne! Hic! Agh! Hic! Agh! Hic! Agh! Elaine figgis is 34 and lives in York.
She's travelled over 4,000 Miles to Dallas, Texas to marry a man she's never met.
Jeremiah Wainwright III is a convicted murderer and notorious cannibal.
He is currently on death row awaiting execution.
It's strange how fate can bring two people together.
I was surfing on the Internet - that just means looking - and I typed in ''midsomer murders'' and up came ''midsummer murderer''.
I thought, ''what's that?'' I read his little ad and dropped him a line, and here we are! I had no idea that in less than two years we'd go from simple pen pals to husband and wife.
It's funny, isn't it? I was only after a signed picture of John nettles.
How was the journey? Well, the taxi driver turned up but wouldn't let me in his cab.
He'd read about me in the local paper.
He's entitled to his opinion, but it's not very nice being pushed out of a car and being called a nutter on the happiest day of your life.
I missed the direct flight, so it was 19 hours by greyhound bus from Atlanta to Georgia, but I did sit next to a very nice man from Louisiana called buck.
He gave me his number, but I shan't be ringing him, of course.
- How did you feel when you arrived in Texas? - It was very emotional, actually.
I felt as if I'd come home, which is odd because I was actually born in twickenham.
Mind you, Texas, twickenham.
It's the same initial - ''t''.
I hadn't thought of that before! I suppose it was the realisation that I was walking on the same ground as my beloved.
Not literally, obviously.
He's strapped to a board most of the day.
But, you know, breathing in the same air.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime feeling.
Is that a wedding present? Yeah.
It's just a little love token.
A last-minute whizz around duty free if truth be told.
I thought this might be fun, and then I thought, no, get him something he'd really like.
So I got him that.
He's a slave to shortbread.
What do your friends think of this? Oh, you can imagine what they say.
''You're doing the wrong thing.
It'll never work.
''It's a ridiculous idea.
You're mad.
'' but that's always going to be the case when a woman marries someone considerably younger.
- You think that's their concern? - They're not concerned at all.
To be honest, it's just jealousy, that's all it is.
- Could it be? - # I'm falling in love with you, baby? # sorry.
Me and my friend Jenny used to do that all the time.
Go on.
Oh! All right.
That'll be me, then.
Good luck.
I've had more than my fair share of luck.
Down to me now.
- Was everything all right? - Yeah.
All done and dusted.
Is that it? Yeah.
I knew it was going to be a short service because Well, he's a big lad and it's difficult to gauge the amount of sedative to give him.
They don't want to kill him, nor do they want him lashing out with all the excitement.
So it was a quick ''I do'', and that was it, really.
I can't stand it when weddings drag on, though, can you? - Will you see Jerry later today? - No.
He hasn't got another visiting order now for four weeks.
So it's back to good old Blighty.
I might ask the pilot if he could tie some tin cans round the back of the plane! No, actually, that would be dangerous.
I think we should go.
Shall we? No, I think we should go.
He comes over, and I'm thinking ''oh, my God!'' And he's like ''hi!'' And I'm like ''hi!'' he's like ''are you alone?'' And I'm like ''yes.
'' he's like ''I don't believe you!'' And I'm like ''come on!'' he's like ''I'm serious!'' And I'm like ''cut it out! Can we stop?'' he's like ''I saw you come in.
Can I get you a drink?'' I'm like ''that'd be great.
I'll have a soda.
'' And he's like ''is that all?'' I'm like ''what do you mean?'' And he's like ''on its own?'' he's like ''don't you drink?'' And I'm like ''it's none of your business!'' he's like ''I'm only asking.
Calm down!'' I'm like ''I'm sorry?'' he's like ''don't be.
Back off!'' And I'm like ''fuck you!'' I once met a man with a sense of adventure he was dressed to thrill wherever he went he said, ''let's make love on a Mountain top ''under the stars on a big, hard rock'' - # I said, ''in these shoes? - Agh! ''I don't think soi'' ooh, I've won another bag.
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