The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s02e03 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 3
1 This must be her.
Afternoon.
Angie barker, the new di.
This is DS Harris.
Ma'am, sir.
And these are? Never seen a working mother before, constable? Right, what have we got? Uh, body of a woman, late thirties, we think she might be a local prostitute.
Okay, let's take a look.
Come on.
Come on, let's see the dead lady with mummy.
Right, do we know how she died? Uh, several wounds to the torso, looks like a knife.
Multiple entry wounds, looks like quite a frenzied attack.
Jessica, no jumping on the body, please.
Any sign of a murder weapon? - We've not found anything yet, ma'am.
- Do we know how long she's been dead? Police surgeon reckons no more than a couple of hours.
Give me that stick.
So we may have some witnesses? A local lady says she might have seen a white saloon car driving away at speed sometime after midday.
Problem, constable? - Your little girl's hanging off my jacket, ma'am.
- Really.
You want to try taking an oral swab from a 75-year-old rape victim whilst changing a dirty nappy, checking two sets of homework and looking for Barbie's cocktail handbag.
Now that's a tough shift.
Ma'am.
Right, Harris, I want a complete house-to-house within a one-mile radius, a cross-reference check on every convicted sex attacker in this area in the last five years and a flask of boiling water.
Ma'am? Heat up the milk, she's due a feed.
Unplait the victim's hair, would you? Put it back the way it was.
And wipe off those cat's whiskers.
- Congratulations on your new job.
- Oh, thanks.
I know, I'm really excited.
- Well done.
- Ally! - Hello.
I've just heard about your good news.
- Yeah.
- It's ally, isn't it? - Yeah, hello.
- Steve, Carole's brother.
- Hello, how nice to meet you.
- At last.
- Oh, have you just got here? Yeah, I had a nightmare waiting for a taxi.
Ooh.
Oh, that's left a horrible mark.
Sorry? Your hat, it's left a dreadful mark on your head.
Give it a rub, that looks dreadful.
It's a birthmark.
Hmm? Right.
Yeah, no, no, God, no, not that long thing.
That's not even long, is it? It's just no, I meant no, I meant on this side.
Oh no, oh hold on a minute, it's gone.
There, no, it's gone.
It was just the light.
Yeah.
It's just oh no, I'm sure it was a shadow, just a shadow.
Fucking shadows! I hate shadows.
Hm? - So, do you know where the people are? - There are some people in the other room.
I'll just go and go to see the people.
Married couple Trudy and Ivan dodd work together at their highly successful theatrical wig emporium end of London.
They have a hectic schedule, fitting wigs for film stars, television personalities and personal clients.
It's hard work, but for the Dodds, it's a labour of love.
I suppose to many people we have what must seem a very glamorous life, making wigs for international film stars and television personalities, but what you'll be seeing, however glamorous it may appear, is for my wife Trudy and I just another working day.
Of course, our lives could be very glamorous indeed.
Film premieres, showbiz parties, but we're always so incredibly busy here at get knotted, it's often just not possible to find the time.
Yesterday, for example, Ivan had to personally hand-finish six wigs for the new Harry Potter in the morning, and then he had Stephen Gately in the afternoon.
And that was a quiet day.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to get off here, my arse has gone to sleep.
- Morning, Carole-Anne.
- Morning, Trudy, morning, Ivan.
What a day! This is Carole-Anne, she's been with us since day one.
Obviously she's not just a receptionist.
In this business you often have to see everything and say nothing.
Luckily, discretion is Carole-Anne's middle name.
Any messages, Carole-Anne? Yes, Terry Wogan's people called.
He's having problems with his new Carole-Anne! Apparently, it's No, no messages.
Carole-Anne, this afternoon Trudy has a private client and I'll be fitting sir Michael west for his new play at the national.
So neither of us are to be disturbed, okay? Understood, yes.
Is Bruno here yet? Take a wild guess.
- Bruno is our assistant.
- Your assistant.
He's from Argentina.
Not that much experience, but very enthusiastic.
Not as enthusiastic as you.
Ah, morning, Bruno.
Very temperamental, these Latin types.
- Terry Wogan - Oh, shut up! Everything okay over there? Are you talking to me? - Just seeing if everything's all right.
- It's rubbish here.
You know, you might enjoy it a bit more if you speed it up a bit.
- Are you talking to me again? - You're going at a snail's pace.
- What? - I'm just saying, you're going at a snail's pace.
I ain't got a snail's face! Why don't you just try running? - Are you Kelly Holmes? - What I mean is - But are you Kelly Holmes, though? - Look, all I'm saying is - But is your name Kelly Holmes? - Look - But is your name Kelly Holmes, though? - If you just - On your passport, right? - What? - On the page marked "name" - Look Does it say Kelly Holmes? But is your name Kelly Holmes, though? No, my name is not Kelly Holmes.
Well, shut up, then.
Well, there you go, that's a lot better.
Now, why don't you try and maintain that speed for about 10 minutes? Don't tell me what to do.
I wouldn't go any quicker than that, though, if I were you.
- You ain't me, though.
- No, no, seriously.
But you ain't me, though.
Do you think you're me, though? - No, you're going too fast now.
- I ain't bothered.
- What? - I ain't bothered, though.
- No, slow down.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Do I look bothered? - I'm not joking.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- Please, stop.
- I ain't bothered.
- Please no you no - Face! Look! Face! Bothered! Snail's! Face! - You've got to look - Bothered.
Kelly Holmes.
Face.
I ain't bothered! Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
My laces came undone.
That's £20 exactly, please.
20 pound.
20 pound.
20 pound.
Yes, dear, there you are.
- 20 pound exactly, dear.
- Thanks.
Uh, I don't know if you're interested, but we just got tickets for gay pride on sale today.
- I beg pardon? - Tickets for gay pride.
They're £10 cheaper if you get them in advance.
How very dare you? I've never been so insulted.
- What do you mean? - Well, what exactly is it you are insinuating? I'm just saying, we've got gay pride tickets on sale today.
And how do you know I'm not married with a wife and kids? Well, are you? Who, dear? Me, dear? Married, dear? No, dear.
But whether I've found the right girl or not has got nothing to do with you, and to be quite honest, I find you impertinent.
No worries.
I mean, would you ask him if he wants tickets to this gay party? It's gay pride and no, probably not.
And why's that? He doesn't look gay.
Right.
That's it.
Just because a man takes care of his appearance, you don't expect him to be accused of being a back-door Deirdre.
My mother and I have been coming to this shop for 25 years and I've never heard anything like it.
Honestly.
Gay pride? How very dare you! My bag.
Right, it's the David Beckham calendar and the best of Judy garland, yeah? Thank you very much.
Don't! What have you done? You've done something, haven't you? Oh, my God, you are not going to believe what I've just done! What have you done? - You are not going to believe it! - What? - I can't even tell you.
- Why not? 'Cause you ain't gonna believe it.
Here we go.
This is classic me.
Tell me what you've done.
Last week, right, we went past that new Chinese and you said to me, do you remember, you said, "we should try that" and I said, "how about Saturday?" And you said, "yeah, all right, then.
" Do you remember? And I said, "you know who loves Chinese, don't you? Shelley and Tony.
" And you said, do you remember, "ask them.
See if they want to go Chinese Saturday.
" And I said, "all right, then, I'll ask them.
" - So I'm ringing them to ask them.
- Yeah? So I'm on the phone and this voice at the other end says, "hello?" - And what did you say? - I said, "hello.
" And then I said, "it's Sam.
Do you and Tony want to go Chinese Saturday?" And she said, "me and Tony? Don't you mean me and Andy?" "Me and Andy"? But shelley ain't married to Andy.
I know.
It's Nicky that's married to Andy.
I said to her, "shelley, you ain't married to Andy.
" "It's Nicky that's married to Andy.
" And she said to me, "Sam, you silly mare", "this is Nicky.
" No.
What, it ain't shelley? It ain't shelley! Well, we have collapsed.
That's when I've realised, that's why she's speaking in a Scottish accent.
So what's happened? You know what I've done, don't you? I've rang Nicky by mistake! You've rang Nicky by mistake? She said to me, "you're a lunatic.
You've rang me by mistake.
What are you like?" I said, "you know what I'm like.
" She said, "I know what you're like.
" She knows what I'm like.
I've looked at the phone like that.
That's when it's dawned on me what's happened.
What's happened? I've pressed the wrong number.
No! Straight.
It's all on the memory, innit? Shelley's number four and Nicky's number five.
And you've pressed number five? I have pressed number five instead of number four, like a nutter.
So now I'm speaking to Nicky and I've asked her and Andy to go Chinese Saturday instead of shelley and Tony.
So what did Nicky say? Well, she said they can't go Chinese Saturday, 'cause her and Andy got to go up his mum's Saturday, 'cause his mum's just got a satellite TV and anyway they go Chinese Fridays.
So what are we gonna do now? Why don't I ring shelley, see if her and Tony want to go Chinese Saturday? Genius.
- Wait till I tell shelley what I've done.
- She will collapse.
She is gonna die.
What am I gonna do with you? I don't know.
Hello, shelley? Lisa? No! Lisa, you are not going to believe what I've just done! - We haven't told you about Harrogate, have we? - Listen to this.
Where do you start? Last week we went up to Harrogate for a half day out.
Only a half day.
- Anyway, we went into this café.
- Listen to this.
And every one of the sandwiches they had was in French bread.
This is in Harrogate.
So anyway, we're starving hungry by this point, so we says we'll have a cheese sandwich, you know, in the French bread.
French bread, that's all they had.
So we gets these two cheese sandwiches.
What sort of cheese did they say it was? Brie.
Don't ask.
So they bring us these sandwiches and we bite into them.
This is unreal.
And you'll never guess what they've put in a cheese sandwich.
Have a guess.
Grapes.
They've put grapes in a cheese sandwich.
In French bread.
The dirty bastards.
I mean not that he's got anything against the French, you know, 'cause he loves that inspector clouseau.
Very funny man.
Hey, but that's not it.
Listen to this.
So we pick the grapes out and we eat the sandwiches and we get the bill.
This is unbelievable.
Two cheese sandwiches.
We didn't have a brew, did we? - We had a flask in the van, didn't we? - Two cheese sandwiches, in French bread, £5.
60.
£5.
60.
£5.
60 and we had to pick the grapes out ourselves.
Honestly, they greed it off you.
Dirty, robbing bastards! So you've been with Ivan and Trudy for over 20 years? Yes, since the Berwick street days.
It seems like yesterday but we're all a bit older, even if we're no wiser! With many celebrities being private clients, I suppose it's up to you to keep matters as discreet as possible.
Oh, indeed, I mean, I could write a pretty explosive expose of some of the more, shall we say, follically challenged stars of today.
Of course, I'd never dream of doing such a thing.
So there are more bald celebrities than we'd think? Well, where do we start? Urn Trevor McDonald, Lesley Garrett, Delia Smith, all completely bald.
Pierce Brosnan's got his own hair, but no eyebrows.
And poor Helen Mirren, bless her, she looks like a snooker ball with ears.
Of course, there's absolutely no way I can say any of this when the camera's on.
Cut there.
Oh.
Unfortunately, you can't come into this room with me, as it's a personal fitting.
Oh, right.
So it's not all films stars, then? Well, as it happens, this is a celebrity client who wears a wig in his or her day-to-day life, and as all our wigs, of course, are totally undetectable, we have to keep their identities completely secret.
You can't give us a clue? I'm sorry, confidentiality has been the foundation on which we've built our business, I couldn't even drop a hint.
All I can say is this particular actor or actress has been very shrewd indeed.
No Dolly Parton or Shirley Bassey creations here.
The wig he or she wears is very understated, you'd never guess that she was, or he, was actually bald as a coot.
- Yes? - Dame Judi's coffee.
Oh, I'm so excited.
- Why is that? - Because it's Christmas! You know, we've got secret Santa, mince pies, mistletoe.
I've brought me own.
Watch out, boys! - Oh, God, she's off already.
- Ally! Hello.
You're all full of festive fun, aren't you? Hello, we've not met.
I'm ally.
Oh, hi, I'm Susan.
I'm in a really silly mood.
Hello, Susan.
So am I.
Are you two in silly moods too? She's got a cleft palate.
Hmm? Yeah, yeah, God, yeah, no, yeah.
I mean, right, I mean I've got a You know that I didn't mean I didn't, I mean, I didn't pardon? So Ding dong merrily on high in heaven the bells are ringing oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohh - Of course I'm going to leave her.
- You've been saying that for months.
It's just difficult at the moment.
Hi, guys! Welcome to bbj's.
I'm your waitress for today.
My name's Amanda, but my friends call me zebedee.
I'm a fiery taurean with my moon in uranus.
Careful, I'll do the jokes! Can we have some menus, please? Okay, guys, here's the story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based error at head office, we only have braille menus for yourselves today.
But I'm delighted to inform you that table six have a blind person in their party and I'd be happy to ask if you could borrow him.
Burger and fries will do me.
We haven't got a lot of time.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! What kind of burgers can I get you guys for yourselves today? - Well, we don't know what kind you've got.
- Okay, guys, here's the story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based error at head office Yeah, yeah, we know about the menus.
Urn, we just want regular burgers, I guess.
Just burgers for yourselves today, then? Nothing else with that for yourselves today? And fries.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! Do you have to do that song every time someone mentions fries? A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! We're not forced to, but most servers find it helps create a feeling of fun.
Okay, guys, here's the story on the regular burgers.
I'm afraid we're out of regular burgers today.
The only burgers we have is the belly Buster, three 72-ounce steak burgers in a 12-inch dusted sesame seed bun with fried onion, corrugated gherkin and various home-made sauces and pickles.
Look, I'm really sorry, but we're running out of time.
Could we just have some fries and a drink A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! Okay, urn, let's have this.
"Boogie dogs.
Frankfurter hot dogs with onions and ranch sauce.
" Table three going for boogie dogs! Sir Michael! Are you leaving us already? Trudy.
Ivan said you were with a private client.
Yes, she, or he, left through the back door.
How was your fitting for the new play? - Trudy - I'm talking, Carole-Anne.
Wonderful.
I know you're going to be away in June, but I'm counting on Ivan to be there on press night.
Oh, I'm sure you can count on him.
When has Ivan ever missed one of your openings? Trudy, it's quite important.
Ban chancel! - Ivan! - What is it? Hmm-hmm-hmm's people are on the phone, his - Was supposed to be with them by 5:00.
- Who are you talking about? Well, I didn't think I could say because of the camera.
Just say his first name.
Well, his first name is more of a giveaway than his surname.
Just write it down, you idiot.
Give me that phone.
Jesus Christ! Bruno! Hello, Trudy Redfearn here.
How can I help you? I'm sure he's literally minutes away.
Look, what part of the message didn't you understand? It's very straightforward.
"Important.
Bruno, deliver by hand before 4 P.
M.
" Do you want me to pop it round? I've never met hmm-hmm-hmm before.
Oh, for God's sake, one of them's a deaf Brazilian mute, the other one speaks in morse code.
What chance do we have? Carole-Anne, call showtime couriers and get that on a bike now! You, come with me! Oh, come on! Is it a big-name client? Look, there is absolutely no way I can divulge the name of any client.
We went through all this a dozen times before you started filming.
I cannot compromise our confidentiality.
It is as simple as that.
But, suffice to say, if that jiffy bag doesn't get to Wembley arena by 7:00, it'll be the first time anyone's ever heard candle in the wind sung in a crash helmet.
There he is.
Hello, nan.
- You come up and see me? - Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya? - Here I am.
Oh, you are a good boy.
Did you bring me up me bits? - 'Course I did.
- That's it, lovely.
How are you feeling? Yeah, not too bad, thank you, sweetheart.
Now, did you remember me nightgown? Yeah, it's all in there.
Oh, I can't be wearing this one much longer.
The collar's too high.
I feel very educated.
I'll be able to go home soon, won't I, love? Not yet, nan.
You had a nasty fall.
They're going to keep you in for a few more days.
Oh, I can't be in here much longer, love.
I'll go off me nut.
Come on, it's not that bad.
Not much! Glory be, it's like a fucking circus in here! May God forgive me for swearing.
I ain't never seen a mob like it.
All right, nan, don't be rude.
I mean, have you had it here? Have a look.
Have a look.
- I'm not ending up like that! - Nan.
Oh, wait for it.
Here, wait till she tries putting it in her mouth.
Oh, it is choice, all smothered round her face.
- Keep your voice down.
- She can't hear me.
She's got more hair in her ears than she has on her chin.
Now, did you bring me tomatoes? Everything you asked for is in the bag, nan.
Oh, that's it.
Ah, yeah, I'll have a couple of them tonight.
That'll be lovely.
I've still got a slice of tongue under there, so I'll have that an' all.
I'm not eating that muck they bring round here.
Oh, no fear.
Have you seen it? Oh, oh it is rough.
Here, have a look.
A menu, if you don't mind.
Well, you should try it, nan.
It all looks really nice.
Oh, what, tray of slop? No thanks.
- It's sweet and sour chicken.
- Who is it? It's Chinese.
It's nice.
Just try a little bit.
Oh, no, I couldn't eat Chinese food, son.
Their faces make me feel sick.
Nan! Here she is.
Here's me lovely Anita.
Here you are, what did I tell you, Anita? Here's my grandson.
He's at a university.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Thanks for everything you're doing, nurse.
Her name's Anita.
All right, nan.
Yeah, don't take no notice of him, sweetheart.
He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm very much obliged to you for all your kindness, darling.
I'm going to give you a nice drink when I leave here, and you can buy yourself a new pair of tights.
That's it.
Well, that's very kind of you.
You have a comfortable night, mrs Taylor, and I'll see you in the morning.
- Nice meeting you.
- Oh, ta-ra, sweetheart.
Take care, I'll see you tomorrow.
Thieving bastard! Oh, no.
- She only comes over here so she can take sights.
- Come on, nan, she's a nurse.
Waiting for me to turn me back so she can have a rough dive down me handbag.
Don't talk rubbish.
As God is my judge, she's had the lot.
She's had the lot.
She's had the pension book, the gift vouchers, all me loose change, not to mention 80 pound in cash.
Gone, finished, done, in cold blood, that's your lot.
If this is true, nan, we'll have to report it to the police.
Ah, well, now, that's where she's cunning, see.
- What do you mean? - She put it all back.
Did she, now? Well, she knew I was on to her, didn't she, so she's returned it all before I can do anything about it.
It's a criminal mind, see.
And you know me.
I don't like to say nothing.
Anyway, I've got to keep her sweet in case she gives me a sly dig when no one's looking.
- Oh, here we go.
That's all I need! - Well that's alf, you know him.
Oh, he's back, is he? Walks around with his underclothes all undone.
Oh, it is pretty having to watch his nys walloping around.
No wonder I ain't been able to keep anything down since I've been here.
He's got senile dementia.
"Senile dementia".
Don't make me laugh! Nan, that's enough.
Look around you.
This ward is full of vulnerable people suffering with dignity.
It's about time you started to have a little consideration for those less fortunate than yourself.
Oh, fucking chill out! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 434 435 436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446
Afternoon.
Angie barker, the new di.
This is DS Harris.
Ma'am, sir.
And these are? Never seen a working mother before, constable? Right, what have we got? Uh, body of a woman, late thirties, we think she might be a local prostitute.
Okay, let's take a look.
Come on.
Come on, let's see the dead lady with mummy.
Right, do we know how she died? Uh, several wounds to the torso, looks like a knife.
Multiple entry wounds, looks like quite a frenzied attack.
Jessica, no jumping on the body, please.
Any sign of a murder weapon? - We've not found anything yet, ma'am.
- Do we know how long she's been dead? Police surgeon reckons no more than a couple of hours.
Give me that stick.
So we may have some witnesses? A local lady says she might have seen a white saloon car driving away at speed sometime after midday.
Problem, constable? - Your little girl's hanging off my jacket, ma'am.
- Really.
You want to try taking an oral swab from a 75-year-old rape victim whilst changing a dirty nappy, checking two sets of homework and looking for Barbie's cocktail handbag.
Now that's a tough shift.
Ma'am.
Right, Harris, I want a complete house-to-house within a one-mile radius, a cross-reference check on every convicted sex attacker in this area in the last five years and a flask of boiling water.
Ma'am? Heat up the milk, she's due a feed.
Unplait the victim's hair, would you? Put it back the way it was.
And wipe off those cat's whiskers.
- Congratulations on your new job.
- Oh, thanks.
I know, I'm really excited.
- Well done.
- Ally! - Hello.
I've just heard about your good news.
- Yeah.
- It's ally, isn't it? - Yeah, hello.
- Steve, Carole's brother.
- Hello, how nice to meet you.
- At last.
- Oh, have you just got here? Yeah, I had a nightmare waiting for a taxi.
Ooh.
Oh, that's left a horrible mark.
Sorry? Your hat, it's left a dreadful mark on your head.
Give it a rub, that looks dreadful.
It's a birthmark.
Hmm? Right.
Yeah, no, no, God, no, not that long thing.
That's not even long, is it? It's just no, I meant no, I meant on this side.
Oh no, oh hold on a minute, it's gone.
There, no, it's gone.
It was just the light.
Yeah.
It's just oh no, I'm sure it was a shadow, just a shadow.
Fucking shadows! I hate shadows.
Hm? - So, do you know where the people are? - There are some people in the other room.
I'll just go and go to see the people.
Married couple Trudy and Ivan dodd work together at their highly successful theatrical wig emporium end of London.
They have a hectic schedule, fitting wigs for film stars, television personalities and personal clients.
It's hard work, but for the Dodds, it's a labour of love.
I suppose to many people we have what must seem a very glamorous life, making wigs for international film stars and television personalities, but what you'll be seeing, however glamorous it may appear, is for my wife Trudy and I just another working day.
Of course, our lives could be very glamorous indeed.
Film premieres, showbiz parties, but we're always so incredibly busy here at get knotted, it's often just not possible to find the time.
Yesterday, for example, Ivan had to personally hand-finish six wigs for the new Harry Potter in the morning, and then he had Stephen Gately in the afternoon.
And that was a quiet day.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to get off here, my arse has gone to sleep.
- Morning, Carole-Anne.
- Morning, Trudy, morning, Ivan.
What a day! This is Carole-Anne, she's been with us since day one.
Obviously she's not just a receptionist.
In this business you often have to see everything and say nothing.
Luckily, discretion is Carole-Anne's middle name.
Any messages, Carole-Anne? Yes, Terry Wogan's people called.
He's having problems with his new Carole-Anne! Apparently, it's No, no messages.
Carole-Anne, this afternoon Trudy has a private client and I'll be fitting sir Michael west for his new play at the national.
So neither of us are to be disturbed, okay? Understood, yes.
Is Bruno here yet? Take a wild guess.
- Bruno is our assistant.
- Your assistant.
He's from Argentina.
Not that much experience, but very enthusiastic.
Not as enthusiastic as you.
Ah, morning, Bruno.
Very temperamental, these Latin types.
- Terry Wogan - Oh, shut up! Everything okay over there? Are you talking to me? - Just seeing if everything's all right.
- It's rubbish here.
You know, you might enjoy it a bit more if you speed it up a bit.
- Are you talking to me again? - You're going at a snail's pace.
- What? - I'm just saying, you're going at a snail's pace.
I ain't got a snail's face! Why don't you just try running? - Are you Kelly Holmes? - What I mean is - But are you Kelly Holmes, though? - Look, all I'm saying is - But is your name Kelly Holmes? - Look - But is your name Kelly Holmes, though? - If you just - On your passport, right? - What? - On the page marked "name" - Look Does it say Kelly Holmes? But is your name Kelly Holmes, though? No, my name is not Kelly Holmes.
Well, shut up, then.
Well, there you go, that's a lot better.
Now, why don't you try and maintain that speed for about 10 minutes? Don't tell me what to do.
I wouldn't go any quicker than that, though, if I were you.
- You ain't me, though.
- No, no, seriously.
But you ain't me, though.
Do you think you're me, though? - No, you're going too fast now.
- I ain't bothered.
- What? - I ain't bothered, though.
- No, slow down.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Do I look bothered? - I'm not joking.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- Please, stop.
- I ain't bothered.
- Please no you no - Face! Look! Face! Bothered! Snail's! Face! - You've got to look - Bothered.
Kelly Holmes.
Face.
I ain't bothered! Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
My laces came undone.
That's £20 exactly, please.
20 pound.
20 pound.
20 pound.
Yes, dear, there you are.
- 20 pound exactly, dear.
- Thanks.
Uh, I don't know if you're interested, but we just got tickets for gay pride on sale today.
- I beg pardon? - Tickets for gay pride.
They're £10 cheaper if you get them in advance.
How very dare you? I've never been so insulted.
- What do you mean? - Well, what exactly is it you are insinuating? I'm just saying, we've got gay pride tickets on sale today.
And how do you know I'm not married with a wife and kids? Well, are you? Who, dear? Me, dear? Married, dear? No, dear.
But whether I've found the right girl or not has got nothing to do with you, and to be quite honest, I find you impertinent.
No worries.
I mean, would you ask him if he wants tickets to this gay party? It's gay pride and no, probably not.
And why's that? He doesn't look gay.
Right.
That's it.
Just because a man takes care of his appearance, you don't expect him to be accused of being a back-door Deirdre.
My mother and I have been coming to this shop for 25 years and I've never heard anything like it.
Honestly.
Gay pride? How very dare you! My bag.
Right, it's the David Beckham calendar and the best of Judy garland, yeah? Thank you very much.
Don't! What have you done? You've done something, haven't you? Oh, my God, you are not going to believe what I've just done! What have you done? - You are not going to believe it! - What? - I can't even tell you.
- Why not? 'Cause you ain't gonna believe it.
Here we go.
This is classic me.
Tell me what you've done.
Last week, right, we went past that new Chinese and you said to me, do you remember, you said, "we should try that" and I said, "how about Saturday?" And you said, "yeah, all right, then.
" Do you remember? And I said, "you know who loves Chinese, don't you? Shelley and Tony.
" And you said, do you remember, "ask them.
See if they want to go Chinese Saturday.
" And I said, "all right, then, I'll ask them.
" - So I'm ringing them to ask them.
- Yeah? So I'm on the phone and this voice at the other end says, "hello?" - And what did you say? - I said, "hello.
" And then I said, "it's Sam.
Do you and Tony want to go Chinese Saturday?" And she said, "me and Tony? Don't you mean me and Andy?" "Me and Andy"? But shelley ain't married to Andy.
I know.
It's Nicky that's married to Andy.
I said to her, "shelley, you ain't married to Andy.
" "It's Nicky that's married to Andy.
" And she said to me, "Sam, you silly mare", "this is Nicky.
" No.
What, it ain't shelley? It ain't shelley! Well, we have collapsed.
That's when I've realised, that's why she's speaking in a Scottish accent.
So what's happened? You know what I've done, don't you? I've rang Nicky by mistake! You've rang Nicky by mistake? She said to me, "you're a lunatic.
You've rang me by mistake.
What are you like?" I said, "you know what I'm like.
" She said, "I know what you're like.
" She knows what I'm like.
I've looked at the phone like that.
That's when it's dawned on me what's happened.
What's happened? I've pressed the wrong number.
No! Straight.
It's all on the memory, innit? Shelley's number four and Nicky's number five.
And you've pressed number five? I have pressed number five instead of number four, like a nutter.
So now I'm speaking to Nicky and I've asked her and Andy to go Chinese Saturday instead of shelley and Tony.
So what did Nicky say? Well, she said they can't go Chinese Saturday, 'cause her and Andy got to go up his mum's Saturday, 'cause his mum's just got a satellite TV and anyway they go Chinese Fridays.
So what are we gonna do now? Why don't I ring shelley, see if her and Tony want to go Chinese Saturday? Genius.
- Wait till I tell shelley what I've done.
- She will collapse.
She is gonna die.
What am I gonna do with you? I don't know.
Hello, shelley? Lisa? No! Lisa, you are not going to believe what I've just done! - We haven't told you about Harrogate, have we? - Listen to this.
Where do you start? Last week we went up to Harrogate for a half day out.
Only a half day.
- Anyway, we went into this café.
- Listen to this.
And every one of the sandwiches they had was in French bread.
This is in Harrogate.
So anyway, we're starving hungry by this point, so we says we'll have a cheese sandwich, you know, in the French bread.
French bread, that's all they had.
So we gets these two cheese sandwiches.
What sort of cheese did they say it was? Brie.
Don't ask.
So they bring us these sandwiches and we bite into them.
This is unreal.
And you'll never guess what they've put in a cheese sandwich.
Have a guess.
Grapes.
They've put grapes in a cheese sandwich.
In French bread.
The dirty bastards.
I mean not that he's got anything against the French, you know, 'cause he loves that inspector clouseau.
Very funny man.
Hey, but that's not it.
Listen to this.
So we pick the grapes out and we eat the sandwiches and we get the bill.
This is unbelievable.
Two cheese sandwiches.
We didn't have a brew, did we? - We had a flask in the van, didn't we? - Two cheese sandwiches, in French bread, £5.
60.
£5.
60.
£5.
60 and we had to pick the grapes out ourselves.
Honestly, they greed it off you.
Dirty, robbing bastards! So you've been with Ivan and Trudy for over 20 years? Yes, since the Berwick street days.
It seems like yesterday but we're all a bit older, even if we're no wiser! With many celebrities being private clients, I suppose it's up to you to keep matters as discreet as possible.
Oh, indeed, I mean, I could write a pretty explosive expose of some of the more, shall we say, follically challenged stars of today.
Of course, I'd never dream of doing such a thing.
So there are more bald celebrities than we'd think? Well, where do we start? Urn Trevor McDonald, Lesley Garrett, Delia Smith, all completely bald.
Pierce Brosnan's got his own hair, but no eyebrows.
And poor Helen Mirren, bless her, she looks like a snooker ball with ears.
Of course, there's absolutely no way I can say any of this when the camera's on.
Cut there.
Oh.
Unfortunately, you can't come into this room with me, as it's a personal fitting.
Oh, right.
So it's not all films stars, then? Well, as it happens, this is a celebrity client who wears a wig in his or her day-to-day life, and as all our wigs, of course, are totally undetectable, we have to keep their identities completely secret.
You can't give us a clue? I'm sorry, confidentiality has been the foundation on which we've built our business, I couldn't even drop a hint.
All I can say is this particular actor or actress has been very shrewd indeed.
No Dolly Parton or Shirley Bassey creations here.
The wig he or she wears is very understated, you'd never guess that she was, or he, was actually bald as a coot.
- Yes? - Dame Judi's coffee.
Oh, I'm so excited.
- Why is that? - Because it's Christmas! You know, we've got secret Santa, mince pies, mistletoe.
I've brought me own.
Watch out, boys! - Oh, God, she's off already.
- Ally! Hello.
You're all full of festive fun, aren't you? Hello, we've not met.
I'm ally.
Oh, hi, I'm Susan.
I'm in a really silly mood.
Hello, Susan.
So am I.
Are you two in silly moods too? She's got a cleft palate.
Hmm? Yeah, yeah, God, yeah, no, yeah.
I mean, right, I mean I've got a You know that I didn't mean I didn't, I mean, I didn't pardon? So Ding dong merrily on high in heaven the bells are ringing oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohh - Of course I'm going to leave her.
- You've been saying that for months.
It's just difficult at the moment.
Hi, guys! Welcome to bbj's.
I'm your waitress for today.
My name's Amanda, but my friends call me zebedee.
I'm a fiery taurean with my moon in uranus.
Careful, I'll do the jokes! Can we have some menus, please? Okay, guys, here's the story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based error at head office, we only have braille menus for yourselves today.
But I'm delighted to inform you that table six have a blind person in their party and I'd be happy to ask if you could borrow him.
Burger and fries will do me.
We haven't got a lot of time.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! What kind of burgers can I get you guys for yourselves today? - Well, we don't know what kind you've got.
- Okay, guys, here's the story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based error at head office Yeah, yeah, we know about the menus.
Urn, we just want regular burgers, I guess.
Just burgers for yourselves today, then? Nothing else with that for yourselves today? And fries.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! Do you have to do that song every time someone mentions fries? A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! We're not forced to, but most servers find it helps create a feeling of fun.
Okay, guys, here's the story on the regular burgers.
I'm afraid we're out of regular burgers today.
The only burgers we have is the belly Buster, three 72-ounce steak burgers in a 12-inch dusted sesame seed bun with fried onion, corrugated gherkin and various home-made sauces and pickles.
Look, I'm really sorry, but we're running out of time.
Could we just have some fries and a drink A-one potato, two potato, three potato four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey! Okay, urn, let's have this.
"Boogie dogs.
Frankfurter hot dogs with onions and ranch sauce.
" Table three going for boogie dogs! Sir Michael! Are you leaving us already? Trudy.
Ivan said you were with a private client.
Yes, she, or he, left through the back door.
How was your fitting for the new play? - Trudy - I'm talking, Carole-Anne.
Wonderful.
I know you're going to be away in June, but I'm counting on Ivan to be there on press night.
Oh, I'm sure you can count on him.
When has Ivan ever missed one of your openings? Trudy, it's quite important.
Ban chancel! - Ivan! - What is it? Hmm-hmm-hmm's people are on the phone, his - Was supposed to be with them by 5:00.
- Who are you talking about? Well, I didn't think I could say because of the camera.
Just say his first name.
Well, his first name is more of a giveaway than his surname.
Just write it down, you idiot.
Give me that phone.
Jesus Christ! Bruno! Hello, Trudy Redfearn here.
How can I help you? I'm sure he's literally minutes away.
Look, what part of the message didn't you understand? It's very straightforward.
"Important.
Bruno, deliver by hand before 4 P.
M.
" Do you want me to pop it round? I've never met hmm-hmm-hmm before.
Oh, for God's sake, one of them's a deaf Brazilian mute, the other one speaks in morse code.
What chance do we have? Carole-Anne, call showtime couriers and get that on a bike now! You, come with me! Oh, come on! Is it a big-name client? Look, there is absolutely no way I can divulge the name of any client.
We went through all this a dozen times before you started filming.
I cannot compromise our confidentiality.
It is as simple as that.
But, suffice to say, if that jiffy bag doesn't get to Wembley arena by 7:00, it'll be the first time anyone's ever heard candle in the wind sung in a crash helmet.
There he is.
Hello, nan.
- You come up and see me? - Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya? - Here I am.
Oh, you are a good boy.
Did you bring me up me bits? - 'Course I did.
- That's it, lovely.
How are you feeling? Yeah, not too bad, thank you, sweetheart.
Now, did you remember me nightgown? Yeah, it's all in there.
Oh, I can't be wearing this one much longer.
The collar's too high.
I feel very educated.
I'll be able to go home soon, won't I, love? Not yet, nan.
You had a nasty fall.
They're going to keep you in for a few more days.
Oh, I can't be in here much longer, love.
I'll go off me nut.
Come on, it's not that bad.
Not much! Glory be, it's like a fucking circus in here! May God forgive me for swearing.
I ain't never seen a mob like it.
All right, nan, don't be rude.
I mean, have you had it here? Have a look.
Have a look.
- I'm not ending up like that! - Nan.
Oh, wait for it.
Here, wait till she tries putting it in her mouth.
Oh, it is choice, all smothered round her face.
- Keep your voice down.
- She can't hear me.
She's got more hair in her ears than she has on her chin.
Now, did you bring me tomatoes? Everything you asked for is in the bag, nan.
Oh, that's it.
Ah, yeah, I'll have a couple of them tonight.
That'll be lovely.
I've still got a slice of tongue under there, so I'll have that an' all.
I'm not eating that muck they bring round here.
Oh, no fear.
Have you seen it? Oh, oh it is rough.
Here, have a look.
A menu, if you don't mind.
Well, you should try it, nan.
It all looks really nice.
Oh, what, tray of slop? No thanks.
- It's sweet and sour chicken.
- Who is it? It's Chinese.
It's nice.
Just try a little bit.
Oh, no, I couldn't eat Chinese food, son.
Their faces make me feel sick.
Nan! Here she is.
Here's me lovely Anita.
Here you are, what did I tell you, Anita? Here's my grandson.
He's at a university.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Thanks for everything you're doing, nurse.
Her name's Anita.
All right, nan.
Yeah, don't take no notice of him, sweetheart.
He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm very much obliged to you for all your kindness, darling.
I'm going to give you a nice drink when I leave here, and you can buy yourself a new pair of tights.
That's it.
Well, that's very kind of you.
You have a comfortable night, mrs Taylor, and I'll see you in the morning.
- Nice meeting you.
- Oh, ta-ra, sweetheart.
Take care, I'll see you tomorrow.
Thieving bastard! Oh, no.
- She only comes over here so she can take sights.
- Come on, nan, she's a nurse.
Waiting for me to turn me back so she can have a rough dive down me handbag.
Don't talk rubbish.
As God is my judge, she's had the lot.
She's had the lot.
She's had the pension book, the gift vouchers, all me loose change, not to mention 80 pound in cash.
Gone, finished, done, in cold blood, that's your lot.
If this is true, nan, we'll have to report it to the police.
Ah, well, now, that's where she's cunning, see.
- What do you mean? - She put it all back.
Did she, now? Well, she knew I was on to her, didn't she, so she's returned it all before I can do anything about it.
It's a criminal mind, see.
And you know me.
I don't like to say nothing.
Anyway, I've got to keep her sweet in case she gives me a sly dig when no one's looking.
- Oh, here we go.
That's all I need! - Well that's alf, you know him.
Oh, he's back, is he? Walks around with his underclothes all undone.
Oh, it is pretty having to watch his nys walloping around.
No wonder I ain't been able to keep anything down since I've been here.
He's got senile dementia.
"Senile dementia".
Don't make me laugh! Nan, that's enough.
Look around you.
This ward is full of vulnerable people suffering with dignity.
It's about time you started to have a little consideration for those less fortunate than yourself.
Oh, fucking chill out! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 434 435 436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446