The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s02e07 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 7
1 Oh, wait, look, this is it, this is me favourite.
You've seen this? Have a look.
Del boy, he's grown a moustache and become a policeman.
Wears a little porkpie hat and a mackintosh.
- Oh, he does look shite.
- A touch of frost.
- Who is it? - A touch of frost.
Well, put the fire on, then, you silly bastard.
No, you see, what it is, Gavin, it's step, kick.
Step, kick.
Hands, hands, hands, pose! You see, it's all in the wrists, dear.
Good evening, everybody.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Can you settle down? I'm afraid we've no time for a warm-up tonight.
We're going to crack straight on.
Based on your improvisations last week, I've cast the Christmas pantomime in the following manner.
Julie Wishall, cinderella.
Gavin Nelson, prince charming.
Yes! Leonard mincing, baron Hardup.
Jeff and Wallace, the ugly sisters.
Pat and Roz, the comedy policemen.
And finally, Judy Warrington will be prompt corner again.
Sorry, Judy.
And everybody else will be magical animals in the musical forest.
Can you see that everybody gets a script? - Excuse me, Ursula.
- Yes, Derek.
I think there seems to be some sort of mistake, dear.
Being a senior member of the Gilleshall players, I think you'll find I usually take quite a large part, if you follow my meaning.
Oh, I'm sorry, Derek, have I missed you out? Yes, of course, you have a main character.
Yes, here you are.
You're playing the Christmas fairy.
I beg pardon? You're the Christmas fairy.
What on earth are you insinuating? Derek, I'm not insinuating anything.
Oh, my goodness! You don't for a second think this has anything to do with you being gay, do you? You've been given the part purely on your brilliant improvisation last week.
I beg your pardon? I said, you were given the part purely based on your improvisation.
Yes, I heard that bit.
And it has nothing to do with you being gay.
How very dare you? I've never been so insulted.
You mean you're not gay? Who, dear? Me, dear? Gay, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man shapes his eyebrows and likes a bit of Shirley Bassey, you accuse him of parking his bike up the dirt track? How very dare you? I'm sorry, Derek.
I don't know what to say.
- I thought you were gay, Derek.
- Yeah, I always thought you were gay.
What? And to think I've bent over backwards for you lot.
Hang on a minute.
She thought you were gay.
You say you're not.
What's the problem? Who invited you to the party, dear? I'm just saying, I don't see why you should be so offended just because someone thinks you're gay.
No? Well, it's not your name and reputation being besmirched all over the place, is it, dear? Well, I'm very proud to be a gay man.
Who, dear? You, dear? Gay, dear? Yes, dear.
I can well believe it.
And what's wrong with that? Look, dear, you may choose to spend your time waving your dingdong to other men in public toilets, but we don't need it shoved down our throats.
I think we've heard enough.
As director of this group Director? Don't make me laugh.
You couldn't direct piss into a bucket, dear.
Now I've had enough.
Always thought I was gay? How very dare you? And if you think he's playing baron hard-on, you got another think coming.
Come on, Leonard, we're off! - Ally! - Hello, mark! - Fabulous party! - Well, a party is only as good as its guests.
- Have you met Simon? - No, hello, I'm ally.
Hello, I'm Simon green.
I'm managing director of Robson's.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm just on my way to the kitchen.
Can I get anyone a drink? - I'll have a lager.
- Yeah, I'll have a coke, thanks.
Okay, and would you like me to take your hat? I'm sorry? Would you like me to hang your hat up? It's getting quite warm in here.
I'm not wearing a hat.
Hmm? No, I didn't mean that! That's not a hat.
That's your hair.
So that's one orange juice, un jus d'orange, one lager and one hat, hair, wig, coke! Love this song.
- I'm well nervous.
- Is it? - Ain't you nervous? - Totally.
- Innit, though.
Ain't you nervous? - No, man.
I'm sweet.
You only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow 'cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime We are so gonna win this.
Million-pound recording contract, can you believe it? That is fierce.
- All right, just be cool, be cool, be cool, all right? - Hello, everybody.
My name's Richard park.
Delighted to see you all here.
I think without very much more ado, I'd like to get on with the action if you don't mind.
First off is going to be Lauren Cooper, Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins.
Hi, guys.
Awright.
We are the Flygirl collective featuring mc Perkins.
Big it up, big it up, big it up.
Peace.
In your own time.
Thank you, God, for this opportunity and for blessing us with this talent - and for delivering us into the final.
Amen.
- Amen.
Keep it real.
Is it? Shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up well, we try to take it slow but we're still losing control! And we try to make it work still comes out the worst 'cause I'm crazy trying to be your lady 1 think I'm going crazy girl, me and you were just fine you know we wine and dine did them things that couples do when in love you know walks on the beach and stuff you know things that lovers say and do 1 love you, boo I love you, too 1 miss you a lot I miss you even more that's why 1 ï¬ew you out when we was on tour shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up we try to take it slow but we're still losing control! And we try to make it work we still come out the worst 'cause I'm crazy for trying to be your lady 1 think I'm going crazy That was extraordinary.
Ain't it, though? I've worked with artists all over the world for many, many years, seen some really good ones, some great ones and some bad ones as well.
However, that was simply the worst thing I have ever seen.
No, you just need to hear it again 'cause we were out a little bit in the middle.
- And you were losing the beats.
- I was bang on it, man.
No, I can't afford to carry you no more.
Carry? You couldn't carry a handbag.
I would rather watch my own feet burn, sitting in my own faeces, being force-fed my intestines, rather than hear that song again.
- Y o u r n a m e? - Mc Perkins.
Mc Perkins, I thought, actually, you handled the rap quite well.
- Lisa? - [S if? It is.
Lisa, it was all right.
- And Lauren, is it? - Flygirl Lauren from the Flygirl collective.
You can't sing.
You can't dance.
You've got no image.
You sound like a stabbed cat.
You're a disgrace to singing.
You're a disgrace to music.
Actually, you're a disgrace to this school.
Am I bothered? You should be bothered.
- Well, I ain't bothered.
- You are you must be.
Why would you Na, I ain't even bothered.
Do I look bothered? - Well, why would you go - Are you Simon cowell? - What? - You're not even Simon cowell.
- Look what's that got to do with - You're not even Simon cowell.
Why should I be bothered if you're not even Simon cowell? - I'm giving you advice - Do you love Patrick Kielty? - I beg your pardon, I do not.
- Do you love Patrick Kielty, though? Are you Patrick Kielty's bitch? What? This is - I'm a pop idol.
I've got what it takes.
- No.
- You have not.
- Do you manage will young? - Do you manage will young? - You have not.
Who's Alex parks? Do you manage will young? - Oh, wm young? - Look at me.
I ain't even bothered.
Yes, you are.
You'd like to be here.
Rubbish.
Look at my face.
Is my face bothered? I ain't even bothered.
- Look.
"Faeces.
â I ax)"; '2' even bothered.
- You are.
I'm not bothered.
Look.
âyou're a disgrace!â do 1 look bothered? - Am I even bothered? Look.
Face.
Bothered.
- You've taken it Alex parks.
Fame academy.
Kielty.
"You're a disgrace.
" I ain't bothered! I'm not bothered that you're not bothered.
What I'd like you to do is take yourself and your little friends off the stage.
I'm going to carry on here, and I'm going to continue the search for real talent.
X factor! There.
I'm turning the lights on now, then, Margaret.
Oh, lovely.
- You ready, then? - Yes, yes.
Turning them on now, dear.
Michael, for goodness sake.
Just popping out.
So we're doing a bit of last-minute Christmas shopping.
Listen to this.
And generally when we're in town at Christmas, we'll have a Christmas dinner at Darley's, won't we? It's a pound more than the carvery, but I mean, that time of year, everybody goes a bit mad, don't they? - So we get into Darley's.
- Listen to this.
And my sister Betty's in there with her husband Laurie.
Well, you went mad, didn't you? Their son is 23 and pees the bed.
I ain't got time for him.
So we thought we might as well try the food court at the prospect Centre, didn't we? Famous last words.
So we get into the food court, and they're not doing Christmas dinner, are they? 17th of November, and they're not doing Christmas dinner.
Sign's up saying the council won't let them sell Christmas dinner till December.
Well, I mean, it's political correctness gone mad, ain't it? So earlier, we'd been given one of those "buy one, get one free" vouchers, you know, for the food court.
This is unbelievable.
So they said that's fine, but it's only redeemable at one counter.
Taste of the Caribbean.
Don't ask.
Well, ray said they only did that to see if he were a racist, but he called their bluff, didn't you? How can I be a racist? My great-grandfather was a midget.
So we get this Caribbean food, don't we? Listen to this.
Caribbean curry and What were the name of that thing with it? Plantains.
And you'll never guess what were in the curry, what meat they'd used to make the curry with.
Now, this is unbelievable.
Goat.
They've made curry with a goat.
Goat curry.
They've made curry out of a goat.
The dirty bastards! Oh, but that ain't it.
Tell them what them plantains were.
Fried bananas.
This is in Cleethorpes.
Goat curry and fried bananas? I was looking for Jeremy beadle.
Fried bananas and goat curry, £8.
50.
And that was with the voucher.
The dirty, evil, robbing bastards.
No more bets, please.
Mrs Jacobs! Mrs Jacobs, can you hear me? Yeah, you seem to have pressed the panic button by mistake.
I did.
I did press.
Yeah, I know.
To be honest with you, it's only supposed to be used in emergencies.
So if you just let it go, I'll put it back.
Let it go, love.
That's it.
Let it go.
Let it go.
Right, now I think what we need is a bit of fresh air, don't we? That's it.
Mind how you go, now.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Mince pies.
Deep-filled.
Oh.
Oh, hello! Do you know where mrs Jacobs is? Oh, you just missed her.
Is it anything important? Well, I was meant to give her these pills, but I forgot.
- When was she supposed to take them? - Tuesday.
Oh, it's only Thursday now.
I wouldn't worry.
Oh, I'm all over the place today.
I got lost twice, I was late for my rounds, and I keep forgetting to dispense the medication.
Something tells me you're new.
How did you know? Oh, God, I've been a nurse for a long time.
You know, you just sort of pick these things up, you know what I mean? Do you want to help me make a bed? I'm Arthur.
Oh, Arthur.
That's a bit of an unusual name.
It's not often you see a female nurse with a man's name, you know what I mean? - What' s your name? - Bernie.
Actually, Arthur's my surname.
I just prefer it.
Oh, you mad bitch! You've probably seen me looking at you in the canteen? Oh, well, a lot of the nurses look up to me.
What can I say? I suppose I'm a bit of a role model to them, you know? But if you've got it, flaunt it.
Oh, you've definitely got it, Bernie.
Oh, thanks, Arthur.
That's sweet.
At first, I wasn't sure whether you'd be up for - A bit of fun.
- Well, you've got to, haven't you? I mean, you can get too bogged down in the whole "saving lives" thing round here.
Actually, I was thinking of going out tonight.
Fancied a bit of karaoke.
What do you say? Oh, yeah! Oh, I love singing! When I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely I just stick out my chin and grin and say - I was thinking - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow it's always a day away - nice one, Arth - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow Right.
Well, I've got to be going to the X-ray place.
I really fancy you, Bernie.
Oh, God, well, that's what? All my life I've been looking for a flame-haired woman with a strong jaw and a personality to match.
I know you feel the same way, Bernie.
No, I think you've got me wrong, actually, Arthur.
You know, I mean, I've got nothing against the old muff-munchers but Oh, it's not really my sort of thing, you know what I'm saying? I mean I like a bit of patsy cline, but that's about as far as I'm willing to take it.
Nurse Bernadette! I thought I'd seen everything, but now you're seducing the female staff.
No, sister, I can actually explain.
What's wrong? Have you finally gone through all the men in this hospital? Well, not all of them.
There's a couple of lads in a&e I would Shut up.
Both of you in my office, now.
- You can't sack us just because we're gay.
- That's right, so what? What you choose to get up to in the privacy of your own homes is entirely up to you, - but you can't waste - Now, wait a minute.
You're not lumping me in the same category as this mad Fanny basher.
Your sexuality is not the issue here.
Oh, yes, it bloody is.
For the love of God, would you ever listen to me? I like a bit of cock.
Here we go.
This looks like our man.
- Oh, no, ma'am, that's not him.
- And how do you know that? Because that's not him.
That's not my informer.
- So what have you got for us? - What? Come on, I haven't got all day.
Tony bonito, where is he? I need an address.
- Ma'am, this isn't - Whittaker, when I need your help, I'll ask for it, okay? I've been dealing with scum like this since you were in nappies.
Bonito, where is he? I'm sorry.
I don't know who you're talking about.
Well, perhaps this will help you think more clearly.
- Ma'am, you've got - All I need is one address in north London.
So name your price.
Hmm? 200? 300? Okay, this is my final offer.
400.
- Ma'am, this isn't - Yes, Whittaker, I know.
My methods are somewhat unorthodox.
What can I say? Sue me.
What do you say? All this for one address in north London.
I think he lives in holloway.
Urn, yeah, flat 1, holloway road.
Flat 1, holloway road.
I think that's where he lives.
And I think we finally understand each other.
Now move it.
I don't want to see your face round here again.
You see, Whittaker, the red ant can lift eight times its own body weight, yet it can take Eamonn Holmes 20 minutes to get up out of an easy chair.
I'm sorry, but I have been working for two months to corner Tony bonito.
My informer has never let me down before, but thanks to you, he probably saw all that going on, did a runner, and now I'll never hear from him again.
Whatsa matter, you? Hey! Gotta no respect hey! What-a you think you do? Whittaker hey! Why you look-a so sad? hey! It's-a not so bad hey! It's a nice-a place Whittaker! One word.
Haggis.
This is on new year's Eve.
The dirty bastards! You won't believe this one.
Oh, here we go.
- This one is unbelievable.
- Come on, what's happened? - I can't tell you.
- Oh, why not? - 'Cause you ain't gonna believe it.
- Tell me what you've done, babe.
You are going to think I'm an absolute, total, 100% nutter.
Well, I know that already, don't I? Come on, spit it out.
Well, you know we always do a secret Santa in the office last day.
Secret Santa? Yeah, you know, where we all put our name in a hat, and then we all draw out one name and buy a present for that person, except now we aren't allowed to spend more than a fiver since last year gay Simon's bought Lisa a nice pair of gloves, and that bloke in accounts got the right hump 'cause he said that makes him look tight, and he didn't even know the person he was supposed to buy for, and he figures it's a stupid game anyway.
Yeah, yeah, I remember.
Yeah.
- This year, I've only pulled shelley out the hat.
- No! - Not shelley! - I know.
I thought that's all I need, isn't it, after last year's fiasco.
What happened last year, babe? Well, she got really excited 'cause she wanted the best of Jamie cullum, but she ended up with a bumper pack of Immac, which is a bit much as she's got a 5:00 shadow at the best of times.
Nightmare! I know.
We were treading on eggshells all year.
So what did you do? Well, I thought, "what am I gonna do?" But anyway it turns out all right 'cause last week she's turned to me and she said, "here, Sam, if secret Santa ain't sure what to get me", "tell him I want a pair of big silver hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera.
" So I've bought her the earrings.
I've wrapped up the earrings.
I put the earrings under the tree.
And then today, we're all unwrapping our presents What's happened now? Shelley's got her present.
She's unwrapped it.
She's opened it.
And she's giving me one look, and she said, "cheers, babe, but I don't smoke.
" Don't smoke? What's she on about? I thought, "what's she on about?" And I've looked over, and she's only holding a packet of cigars.
- What's she doing with them? - You know what I've done, don't you? I've only mixed up her earrings with those cigars I was gonna give to you.
- You don't mean - Yeah.
Somewhere under that tree, you've got a pair of big silver hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera.
- How do you do it, babe? - How do I do it? Someone is going to lock you up one day.
- Bang me right up, won't they? - What are you like? I'm a lunatic! Who is Christina Aguilera? I dunno! Hey, wait, wait, wait.
You hear something? Come on, then, we know you're up there.
You won't believe what's happened to me.
What's happened? She is a nutter.
Go on, babe.
This is a classic.
Well, let us hear it.
I went to sleep.
I woke up.
I got out of bed.
I went to open the presents.
They weren't no presents.
But father Christmas ain't been yet, babe.
It's only 10 past nine.
- I know.
Guess what I've done? - Guess what she's done.
What have you done? I've only woke up half an hour after I've gone to sleep.
- What am I like? - They know what you're like.
We know what you're like.
- You know what I'm like.
- What did I tell you? She's a lunatic! Margaret! Margaret, the film's starting.
Margaret! The, urn, the film's starting.
Right, well, I'm just going to clean my teeth.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, ain't it beautiful, eh? Oh, ain't they done it up lovely, eh? Oh, have a look who it is.
Hello, sadie, darling, how are you? You all right? They looking after you? Aren't you look, it's Jimmy.
Jimmy, love, I didn't expect to see you here today.
Feeling better? Fighting fit.
Maggie Johnson, there's a surprise, eh? How do you like this, then, mag, eh? Ain't it lovely, eh? - Good luck to you.
Benny! - Yeah.
Benny's here, and he's got his hat on.
Don't he look smart? Oh, that's it.
Aye, aye, Morris.
Here we are again, eh? Here, I should have a little drink with you later, sweetheart.
That's it.
Oh, ain't it lovely? There you are, sweetheart.
Ain't it lovely to see all the old faces, eh? Don't they fucking stink? Whoa! Oh! Cor, blimey.
I'm - I'm so glad you could make it, mrs Taylor.
- Oh, hello, father.
Oh, how lovely to see you, though.
Nice to see you, Jamie.
Can I get you both a nice cup of tea? Oh, no, don't get him nothing, darling.
He drinks it all day.
Ain't got a job, see.
- Yes, please, two sugars for both of us.
- I'll take that.
Here.
Have you seen the state of the people in here? I don't know where they come from.
Really, I don't.
I ain't never seen a mob like it.
I mean, have a look.
That woman over there, she's got a head the size of a pig.
- Nan, they're volunteers.
- Volunteers? Have you seen them? Hello, love.
They look like the fucking Munsters.
- Nan, please.
- Oh, I mean, come on have a look.
Here, have a look.
That fellow over there, he's got a hook for a hand.
The man has got an hook for a hand! Oh, cor, blimey! That oh, that's all I need.
I feel bilious now.
All right, nan.
Here, you don't think it's that man they tried to sling out the country, do you? That fellow with the turban and the hook! They said they was gonna have a celebrity here today.
Nan, don't be so rude.
That's Malcolm.
You know him.
He usually wears a prosthetic hand.
He must be having a new one made.
Well, you'd think he'd have the decency to stay at home till he had it done.
I shouldn't have to look at that.
I mean, fair's fair.
It's Christmas, not fucking Halloween.
Hello, there.
You ready for your Chrissy dins? She talking to me? It's all piping hot.
Oh, no thanks, love.
I ate before I came out.
I ain't touching that muck.
Actually, it's a Gordon ramsay recipe.
- Who is it? - Gordon ramsay.
What, that fellow off the telly who don't stop swearing? - Nan.
- Oh, no, I can't watch him.
F-ing this and f-ing that.
No, no, that's diabolical, that is.
£126 I pay.
£126 I pay for a television license to listen to that.
Nan, you're a pensioner.
You don't pay for your TV license.
Yeah, I know that, but I still got to listen to him swearing, ain't I? Gordon f-ing ramsay.
What a fucking liberty! Jamie, would you mind helping me with the sound system? - Sure, you'll be all right, nan? - Yeah.
Malcolm, do you want to come and sit with mrs Taylor for a while? Oh, no, I don't know about that, love.
Malcolm's our administrator.
Ah, good to see you.
Do you know, we've got a real mixed bag of people here today.
Yeah, ain't we just? I think news of our celebrity guest must've leaked out, you know.
I've never seen so many people here.
Yeah, ain't it lovely? Father Elliot asked me to help with the pa system, but I'm afraid at the moment, things like that can be a bit fiddly for me, you know.
Oh, yeah? Why is that, son? Well, this, really.
Oh, I can't say I noticed that straight off.
Really? Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit old-fashioned like that, you know.
I tend not to judge people by the way they look.
- Say, that was quick.
- Yeah, we're all up and running.
Nan, this is Charlotte.
She's going to be singing today.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello, darling.
Hello, Charlotte.
I'm Malcolm.
We met before.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? He'll have your fingers off with that! It's really nice to see you again, Charlotte.
I really do appreciate you coming.
We've all been really so excited.
Mrs Taylor, I hope you enjoy your day.
Yeah, well, we ain't staying all day.
Nan, you know who this is, don't you? Charlotte church.
Yeah, you said, yes.
Oh, lovely to meet you, Charlotte.
No, nan, it's Charlotte church, remember? Charlotte church? Of course I fucking remember.
You only told me a minute ago.
No, nan, Charlotte's the singer you like.
Singer? Oh! Oh, have a look! It's Charlotte church.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, don't you look beautiful, darling? Oh, and I remember when you was a little girl, and you used to sing all them little opera songs.
Oh, I must say you look beautiful in real life, sweetheart.
Thank you very much.
'Cause every time I see you in them magazines, you're as pissed as arseholes.
I mean, everywhere you look, there's photographs of you rolling around drunk.
Charlotte church, voice of an angel, liver of a wino.
I'm surprised you found time to come here tonight, darling, 'cause I thought you spend most of your time falling out of clubs.
Well, actually, I spend most of my time singing.
Oh, well, I expect you do, sweetheart, 'cause my friend Jeannie, she likes a shant.
She usually gives everyone a song when she gets bladdered.
Nan, the stuff in the magazines is just an image the press has created for Charlotte.
No, your nan is right.
I do like a drink.
Maybe once I've done my bit, we can all have a bevvy together later? That's it, lovely, sweetheart.
I tell you what, you go and sing your song, and then after that, you two lovebirds can have a nice little drink on your own, no interruptions, that's it.
- Nan, please! - I'm sorry.
I've got a boyfriend.
Yeah, we think he probably has as well.
Hello, would you all please welcome to st Thomas' community Centre miss Charlotte church.
Go on, darling! Why do you always do it? Why do you always put me in embarrassing situations? Embarrassing situations? You wanna talk.
Running off with celebrities while I'm sat here with metal fucking Mickey? What a load of old shit! Take it away, lads! Hey, hey! One, two, three.
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You've seen this? Have a look.
Del boy, he's grown a moustache and become a policeman.
Wears a little porkpie hat and a mackintosh.
- Oh, he does look shite.
- A touch of frost.
- Who is it? - A touch of frost.
Well, put the fire on, then, you silly bastard.
No, you see, what it is, Gavin, it's step, kick.
Step, kick.
Hands, hands, hands, pose! You see, it's all in the wrists, dear.
Good evening, everybody.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Can you settle down? I'm afraid we've no time for a warm-up tonight.
We're going to crack straight on.
Based on your improvisations last week, I've cast the Christmas pantomime in the following manner.
Julie Wishall, cinderella.
Gavin Nelson, prince charming.
Yes! Leonard mincing, baron Hardup.
Jeff and Wallace, the ugly sisters.
Pat and Roz, the comedy policemen.
And finally, Judy Warrington will be prompt corner again.
Sorry, Judy.
And everybody else will be magical animals in the musical forest.
Can you see that everybody gets a script? - Excuse me, Ursula.
- Yes, Derek.
I think there seems to be some sort of mistake, dear.
Being a senior member of the Gilleshall players, I think you'll find I usually take quite a large part, if you follow my meaning.
Oh, I'm sorry, Derek, have I missed you out? Yes, of course, you have a main character.
Yes, here you are.
You're playing the Christmas fairy.
I beg pardon? You're the Christmas fairy.
What on earth are you insinuating? Derek, I'm not insinuating anything.
Oh, my goodness! You don't for a second think this has anything to do with you being gay, do you? You've been given the part purely on your brilliant improvisation last week.
I beg your pardon? I said, you were given the part purely based on your improvisation.
Yes, I heard that bit.
And it has nothing to do with you being gay.
How very dare you? I've never been so insulted.
You mean you're not gay? Who, dear? Me, dear? Gay, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man shapes his eyebrows and likes a bit of Shirley Bassey, you accuse him of parking his bike up the dirt track? How very dare you? I'm sorry, Derek.
I don't know what to say.
- I thought you were gay, Derek.
- Yeah, I always thought you were gay.
What? And to think I've bent over backwards for you lot.
Hang on a minute.
She thought you were gay.
You say you're not.
What's the problem? Who invited you to the party, dear? I'm just saying, I don't see why you should be so offended just because someone thinks you're gay.
No? Well, it's not your name and reputation being besmirched all over the place, is it, dear? Well, I'm very proud to be a gay man.
Who, dear? You, dear? Gay, dear? Yes, dear.
I can well believe it.
And what's wrong with that? Look, dear, you may choose to spend your time waving your dingdong to other men in public toilets, but we don't need it shoved down our throats.
I think we've heard enough.
As director of this group Director? Don't make me laugh.
You couldn't direct piss into a bucket, dear.
Now I've had enough.
Always thought I was gay? How very dare you? And if you think he's playing baron hard-on, you got another think coming.
Come on, Leonard, we're off! - Ally! - Hello, mark! - Fabulous party! - Well, a party is only as good as its guests.
- Have you met Simon? - No, hello, I'm ally.
Hello, I'm Simon green.
I'm managing director of Robson's.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm just on my way to the kitchen.
Can I get anyone a drink? - I'll have a lager.
- Yeah, I'll have a coke, thanks.
Okay, and would you like me to take your hat? I'm sorry? Would you like me to hang your hat up? It's getting quite warm in here.
I'm not wearing a hat.
Hmm? No, I didn't mean that! That's not a hat.
That's your hair.
So that's one orange juice, un jus d'orange, one lager and one hat, hair, wig, coke! Love this song.
- I'm well nervous.
- Is it? - Ain't you nervous? - Totally.
- Innit, though.
Ain't you nervous? - No, man.
I'm sweet.
You only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow 'cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime We are so gonna win this.
Million-pound recording contract, can you believe it? That is fierce.
- All right, just be cool, be cool, be cool, all right? - Hello, everybody.
My name's Richard park.
Delighted to see you all here.
I think without very much more ado, I'd like to get on with the action if you don't mind.
First off is going to be Lauren Cooper, Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins.
Hi, guys.
Awright.
We are the Flygirl collective featuring mc Perkins.
Big it up, big it up, big it up.
Peace.
In your own time.
Thank you, God, for this opportunity and for blessing us with this talent - and for delivering us into the final.
Amen.
- Amen.
Keep it real.
Is it? Shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up well, we try to take it slow but we're still losing control! And we try to make it work still comes out the worst 'cause I'm crazy trying to be your lady 1 think I'm going crazy girl, me and you were just fine you know we wine and dine did them things that couples do when in love you know walks on the beach and stuff you know things that lovers say and do 1 love you, boo I love you, too 1 miss you a lot I miss you even more that's why 1 ï¬ew you out when we was on tour shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up shut up just shut up, shut up we try to take it slow but we're still losing control! And we try to make it work we still come out the worst 'cause I'm crazy for trying to be your lady 1 think I'm going crazy That was extraordinary.
Ain't it, though? I've worked with artists all over the world for many, many years, seen some really good ones, some great ones and some bad ones as well.
However, that was simply the worst thing I have ever seen.
No, you just need to hear it again 'cause we were out a little bit in the middle.
- And you were losing the beats.
- I was bang on it, man.
No, I can't afford to carry you no more.
Carry? You couldn't carry a handbag.
I would rather watch my own feet burn, sitting in my own faeces, being force-fed my intestines, rather than hear that song again.
- Y o u r n a m e? - Mc Perkins.
Mc Perkins, I thought, actually, you handled the rap quite well.
- Lisa? - [S if? It is.
Lisa, it was all right.
- And Lauren, is it? - Flygirl Lauren from the Flygirl collective.
You can't sing.
You can't dance.
You've got no image.
You sound like a stabbed cat.
You're a disgrace to singing.
You're a disgrace to music.
Actually, you're a disgrace to this school.
Am I bothered? You should be bothered.
- Well, I ain't bothered.
- You are you must be.
Why would you Na, I ain't even bothered.
Do I look bothered? - Well, why would you go - Are you Simon cowell? - What? - You're not even Simon cowell.
- Look what's that got to do with - You're not even Simon cowell.
Why should I be bothered if you're not even Simon cowell? - I'm giving you advice - Do you love Patrick Kielty? - I beg your pardon, I do not.
- Do you love Patrick Kielty, though? Are you Patrick Kielty's bitch? What? This is - I'm a pop idol.
I've got what it takes.
- No.
- You have not.
- Do you manage will young? - Do you manage will young? - You have not.
Who's Alex parks? Do you manage will young? - Oh, wm young? - Look at me.
I ain't even bothered.
Yes, you are.
You'd like to be here.
Rubbish.
Look at my face.
Is my face bothered? I ain't even bothered.
- Look.
"Faeces.
â I ax)"; '2' even bothered.
- You are.
I'm not bothered.
Look.
âyou're a disgrace!â do 1 look bothered? - Am I even bothered? Look.
Face.
Bothered.
- You've taken it Alex parks.
Fame academy.
Kielty.
"You're a disgrace.
" I ain't bothered! I'm not bothered that you're not bothered.
What I'd like you to do is take yourself and your little friends off the stage.
I'm going to carry on here, and I'm going to continue the search for real talent.
X factor! There.
I'm turning the lights on now, then, Margaret.
Oh, lovely.
- You ready, then? - Yes, yes.
Turning them on now, dear.
Michael, for goodness sake.
Just popping out.
So we're doing a bit of last-minute Christmas shopping.
Listen to this.
And generally when we're in town at Christmas, we'll have a Christmas dinner at Darley's, won't we? It's a pound more than the carvery, but I mean, that time of year, everybody goes a bit mad, don't they? - So we get into Darley's.
- Listen to this.
And my sister Betty's in there with her husband Laurie.
Well, you went mad, didn't you? Their son is 23 and pees the bed.
I ain't got time for him.
So we thought we might as well try the food court at the prospect Centre, didn't we? Famous last words.
So we get into the food court, and they're not doing Christmas dinner, are they? 17th of November, and they're not doing Christmas dinner.
Sign's up saying the council won't let them sell Christmas dinner till December.
Well, I mean, it's political correctness gone mad, ain't it? So earlier, we'd been given one of those "buy one, get one free" vouchers, you know, for the food court.
This is unbelievable.
So they said that's fine, but it's only redeemable at one counter.
Taste of the Caribbean.
Don't ask.
Well, ray said they only did that to see if he were a racist, but he called their bluff, didn't you? How can I be a racist? My great-grandfather was a midget.
So we get this Caribbean food, don't we? Listen to this.
Caribbean curry and What were the name of that thing with it? Plantains.
And you'll never guess what were in the curry, what meat they'd used to make the curry with.
Now, this is unbelievable.
Goat.
They've made curry with a goat.
Goat curry.
They've made curry out of a goat.
The dirty bastards! Oh, but that ain't it.
Tell them what them plantains were.
Fried bananas.
This is in Cleethorpes.
Goat curry and fried bananas? I was looking for Jeremy beadle.
Fried bananas and goat curry, £8.
50.
And that was with the voucher.
The dirty, evil, robbing bastards.
No more bets, please.
Mrs Jacobs! Mrs Jacobs, can you hear me? Yeah, you seem to have pressed the panic button by mistake.
I did.
I did press.
Yeah, I know.
To be honest with you, it's only supposed to be used in emergencies.
So if you just let it go, I'll put it back.
Let it go, love.
That's it.
Let it go.
Let it go.
Right, now I think what we need is a bit of fresh air, don't we? That's it.
Mind how you go, now.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Mince pies.
Deep-filled.
Oh.
Oh, hello! Do you know where mrs Jacobs is? Oh, you just missed her.
Is it anything important? Well, I was meant to give her these pills, but I forgot.
- When was she supposed to take them? - Tuesday.
Oh, it's only Thursday now.
I wouldn't worry.
Oh, I'm all over the place today.
I got lost twice, I was late for my rounds, and I keep forgetting to dispense the medication.
Something tells me you're new.
How did you know? Oh, God, I've been a nurse for a long time.
You know, you just sort of pick these things up, you know what I mean? Do you want to help me make a bed? I'm Arthur.
Oh, Arthur.
That's a bit of an unusual name.
It's not often you see a female nurse with a man's name, you know what I mean? - What' s your name? - Bernie.
Actually, Arthur's my surname.
I just prefer it.
Oh, you mad bitch! You've probably seen me looking at you in the canteen? Oh, well, a lot of the nurses look up to me.
What can I say? I suppose I'm a bit of a role model to them, you know? But if you've got it, flaunt it.
Oh, you've definitely got it, Bernie.
Oh, thanks, Arthur.
That's sweet.
At first, I wasn't sure whether you'd be up for - A bit of fun.
- Well, you've got to, haven't you? I mean, you can get too bogged down in the whole "saving lives" thing round here.
Actually, I was thinking of going out tonight.
Fancied a bit of karaoke.
What do you say? Oh, yeah! Oh, I love singing! When I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely I just stick out my chin and grin and say - I was thinking - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow it's always a day away - nice one, Arth - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow Right.
Well, I've got to be going to the X-ray place.
I really fancy you, Bernie.
Oh, God, well, that's what? All my life I've been looking for a flame-haired woman with a strong jaw and a personality to match.
I know you feel the same way, Bernie.
No, I think you've got me wrong, actually, Arthur.
You know, I mean, I've got nothing against the old muff-munchers but Oh, it's not really my sort of thing, you know what I'm saying? I mean I like a bit of patsy cline, but that's about as far as I'm willing to take it.
Nurse Bernadette! I thought I'd seen everything, but now you're seducing the female staff.
No, sister, I can actually explain.
What's wrong? Have you finally gone through all the men in this hospital? Well, not all of them.
There's a couple of lads in a&e I would Shut up.
Both of you in my office, now.
- You can't sack us just because we're gay.
- That's right, so what? What you choose to get up to in the privacy of your own homes is entirely up to you, - but you can't waste - Now, wait a minute.
You're not lumping me in the same category as this mad Fanny basher.
Your sexuality is not the issue here.
Oh, yes, it bloody is.
For the love of God, would you ever listen to me? I like a bit of cock.
Here we go.
This looks like our man.
- Oh, no, ma'am, that's not him.
- And how do you know that? Because that's not him.
That's not my informer.
- So what have you got for us? - What? Come on, I haven't got all day.
Tony bonito, where is he? I need an address.
- Ma'am, this isn't - Whittaker, when I need your help, I'll ask for it, okay? I've been dealing with scum like this since you were in nappies.
Bonito, where is he? I'm sorry.
I don't know who you're talking about.
Well, perhaps this will help you think more clearly.
- Ma'am, you've got - All I need is one address in north London.
So name your price.
Hmm? 200? 300? Okay, this is my final offer.
400.
- Ma'am, this isn't - Yes, Whittaker, I know.
My methods are somewhat unorthodox.
What can I say? Sue me.
What do you say? All this for one address in north London.
I think he lives in holloway.
Urn, yeah, flat 1, holloway road.
Flat 1, holloway road.
I think that's where he lives.
And I think we finally understand each other.
Now move it.
I don't want to see your face round here again.
You see, Whittaker, the red ant can lift eight times its own body weight, yet it can take Eamonn Holmes 20 minutes to get up out of an easy chair.
I'm sorry, but I have been working for two months to corner Tony bonito.
My informer has never let me down before, but thanks to you, he probably saw all that going on, did a runner, and now I'll never hear from him again.
Whatsa matter, you? Hey! Gotta no respect hey! What-a you think you do? Whittaker hey! Why you look-a so sad? hey! It's-a not so bad hey! It's a nice-a place Whittaker! One word.
Haggis.
This is on new year's Eve.
The dirty bastards! You won't believe this one.
Oh, here we go.
- This one is unbelievable.
- Come on, what's happened? - I can't tell you.
- Oh, why not? - 'Cause you ain't gonna believe it.
- Tell me what you've done, babe.
You are going to think I'm an absolute, total, 100% nutter.
Well, I know that already, don't I? Come on, spit it out.
Well, you know we always do a secret Santa in the office last day.
Secret Santa? Yeah, you know, where we all put our name in a hat, and then we all draw out one name and buy a present for that person, except now we aren't allowed to spend more than a fiver since last year gay Simon's bought Lisa a nice pair of gloves, and that bloke in accounts got the right hump 'cause he said that makes him look tight, and he didn't even know the person he was supposed to buy for, and he figures it's a stupid game anyway.
Yeah, yeah, I remember.
Yeah.
- This year, I've only pulled shelley out the hat.
- No! - Not shelley! - I know.
I thought that's all I need, isn't it, after last year's fiasco.
What happened last year, babe? Well, she got really excited 'cause she wanted the best of Jamie cullum, but she ended up with a bumper pack of Immac, which is a bit much as she's got a 5:00 shadow at the best of times.
Nightmare! I know.
We were treading on eggshells all year.
So what did you do? Well, I thought, "what am I gonna do?" But anyway it turns out all right 'cause last week she's turned to me and she said, "here, Sam, if secret Santa ain't sure what to get me", "tell him I want a pair of big silver hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera.
" So I've bought her the earrings.
I've wrapped up the earrings.
I put the earrings under the tree.
And then today, we're all unwrapping our presents What's happened now? Shelley's got her present.
She's unwrapped it.
She's opened it.
And she's giving me one look, and she said, "cheers, babe, but I don't smoke.
" Don't smoke? What's she on about? I thought, "what's she on about?" And I've looked over, and she's only holding a packet of cigars.
- What's she doing with them? - You know what I've done, don't you? I've only mixed up her earrings with those cigars I was gonna give to you.
- You don't mean - Yeah.
Somewhere under that tree, you've got a pair of big silver hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera.
- How do you do it, babe? - How do I do it? Someone is going to lock you up one day.
- Bang me right up, won't they? - What are you like? I'm a lunatic! Who is Christina Aguilera? I dunno! Hey, wait, wait, wait.
You hear something? Come on, then, we know you're up there.
You won't believe what's happened to me.
What's happened? She is a nutter.
Go on, babe.
This is a classic.
Well, let us hear it.
I went to sleep.
I woke up.
I got out of bed.
I went to open the presents.
They weren't no presents.
But father Christmas ain't been yet, babe.
It's only 10 past nine.
- I know.
Guess what I've done? - Guess what she's done.
What have you done? I've only woke up half an hour after I've gone to sleep.
- What am I like? - They know what you're like.
We know what you're like.
- You know what I'm like.
- What did I tell you? She's a lunatic! Margaret! Margaret, the film's starting.
Margaret! The, urn, the film's starting.
Right, well, I'm just going to clean my teeth.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, ain't it beautiful, eh? Oh, ain't they done it up lovely, eh? Oh, have a look who it is.
Hello, sadie, darling, how are you? You all right? They looking after you? Aren't you look, it's Jimmy.
Jimmy, love, I didn't expect to see you here today.
Feeling better? Fighting fit.
Maggie Johnson, there's a surprise, eh? How do you like this, then, mag, eh? Ain't it lovely, eh? - Good luck to you.
Benny! - Yeah.
Benny's here, and he's got his hat on.
Don't he look smart? Oh, that's it.
Aye, aye, Morris.
Here we are again, eh? Here, I should have a little drink with you later, sweetheart.
That's it.
Oh, ain't it lovely? There you are, sweetheart.
Ain't it lovely to see all the old faces, eh? Don't they fucking stink? Whoa! Oh! Cor, blimey.
I'm - I'm so glad you could make it, mrs Taylor.
- Oh, hello, father.
Oh, how lovely to see you, though.
Nice to see you, Jamie.
Can I get you both a nice cup of tea? Oh, no, don't get him nothing, darling.
He drinks it all day.
Ain't got a job, see.
- Yes, please, two sugars for both of us.
- I'll take that.
Here.
Have you seen the state of the people in here? I don't know where they come from.
Really, I don't.
I ain't never seen a mob like it.
I mean, have a look.
That woman over there, she's got a head the size of a pig.
- Nan, they're volunteers.
- Volunteers? Have you seen them? Hello, love.
They look like the fucking Munsters.
- Nan, please.
- Oh, I mean, come on have a look.
Here, have a look.
That fellow over there, he's got a hook for a hand.
The man has got an hook for a hand! Oh, cor, blimey! That oh, that's all I need.
I feel bilious now.
All right, nan.
Here, you don't think it's that man they tried to sling out the country, do you? That fellow with the turban and the hook! They said they was gonna have a celebrity here today.
Nan, don't be so rude.
That's Malcolm.
You know him.
He usually wears a prosthetic hand.
He must be having a new one made.
Well, you'd think he'd have the decency to stay at home till he had it done.
I shouldn't have to look at that.
I mean, fair's fair.
It's Christmas, not fucking Halloween.
Hello, there.
You ready for your Chrissy dins? She talking to me? It's all piping hot.
Oh, no thanks, love.
I ate before I came out.
I ain't touching that muck.
Actually, it's a Gordon ramsay recipe.
- Who is it? - Gordon ramsay.
What, that fellow off the telly who don't stop swearing? - Nan.
- Oh, no, I can't watch him.
F-ing this and f-ing that.
No, no, that's diabolical, that is.
£126 I pay.
£126 I pay for a television license to listen to that.
Nan, you're a pensioner.
You don't pay for your TV license.
Yeah, I know that, but I still got to listen to him swearing, ain't I? Gordon f-ing ramsay.
What a fucking liberty! Jamie, would you mind helping me with the sound system? - Sure, you'll be all right, nan? - Yeah.
Malcolm, do you want to come and sit with mrs Taylor for a while? Oh, no, I don't know about that, love.
Malcolm's our administrator.
Ah, good to see you.
Do you know, we've got a real mixed bag of people here today.
Yeah, ain't we just? I think news of our celebrity guest must've leaked out, you know.
I've never seen so many people here.
Yeah, ain't it lovely? Father Elliot asked me to help with the pa system, but I'm afraid at the moment, things like that can be a bit fiddly for me, you know.
Oh, yeah? Why is that, son? Well, this, really.
Oh, I can't say I noticed that straight off.
Really? Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit old-fashioned like that, you know.
I tend not to judge people by the way they look.
- Say, that was quick.
- Yeah, we're all up and running.
Nan, this is Charlotte.
She's going to be singing today.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello, darling.
Hello, Charlotte.
I'm Malcolm.
We met before.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? He'll have your fingers off with that! It's really nice to see you again, Charlotte.
I really do appreciate you coming.
We've all been really so excited.
Mrs Taylor, I hope you enjoy your day.
Yeah, well, we ain't staying all day.
Nan, you know who this is, don't you? Charlotte church.
Yeah, you said, yes.
Oh, lovely to meet you, Charlotte.
No, nan, it's Charlotte church, remember? Charlotte church? Of course I fucking remember.
You only told me a minute ago.
No, nan, Charlotte's the singer you like.
Singer? Oh! Oh, have a look! It's Charlotte church.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, don't you look beautiful, darling? Oh, and I remember when you was a little girl, and you used to sing all them little opera songs.
Oh, I must say you look beautiful in real life, sweetheart.
Thank you very much.
'Cause every time I see you in them magazines, you're as pissed as arseholes.
I mean, everywhere you look, there's photographs of you rolling around drunk.
Charlotte church, voice of an angel, liver of a wino.
I'm surprised you found time to come here tonight, darling, 'cause I thought you spend most of your time falling out of clubs.
Well, actually, I spend most of my time singing.
Oh, well, I expect you do, sweetheart, 'cause my friend Jeannie, she likes a shant.
She usually gives everyone a song when she gets bladdered.
Nan, the stuff in the magazines is just an image the press has created for Charlotte.
No, your nan is right.
I do like a drink.
Maybe once I've done my bit, we can all have a bevvy together later? That's it, lovely, sweetheart.
I tell you what, you go and sing your song, and then after that, you two lovebirds can have a nice little drink on your own, no interruptions, that's it.
- Nan, please! - I'm sorry.
I've got a boyfriend.
Yeah, we think he probably has as well.
Hello, would you all please welcome to st Thomas' community Centre miss Charlotte church.
Go on, darling! Why do you always do it? Why do you always put me in embarrassing situations? Embarrassing situations? You wanna talk.
Running off with celebrities while I'm sat here with metal fucking Mickey? What a load of old shit! Take it away, lads! Hey, hey! One, two, three.
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