The Chris Rock Show (1997) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Hi, we're backstage at the Trevor Berbick Theater.
This is where we tape "The Chris Rock Show.
" You know, this old studio is steeped in tradition.
( audience laughing ) Ah, let me check out my old pictures.
Boy, who could forget the time all the Wayans brothers stopped by? Ah, that Marlon sure is funny.
Ah, my first writing staff.
They really wanted to get to know the black experience, so I fired 'em.
And how could I forget the night Marion Barry guest-hosted the show? Ooh, I caught a lot of flak for that.
But, hey, Chris stands by his friends.
People don't know this, but I'm the second Chris Rock.
Like they had two Lionels on "The Jeffersons"? Here's the original Chris.
He drowned in a vat of activator.
God rest his soul.
Hey, who could forget the night O.
J.
came by to sell his new instructional video tape, "l didn't kill my wife! But if I did, Here's how I'd do it.
" Crazy.
What is this? The first "Chris Rock Show.
" Hey, let's watch this, "Chris Rock," number one.
Announcer: From New York City, it's "The Chris Rock Show.
" Tonight, Johnnie Cochran.
Plus musical director Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen-- Chris Rock! ( cheers and applause ) Hey, what's up, what's up? I want to thank everybody for coming out to my show.
Fun to be doing a show in New York.
New York, New York, the home of the crack priest.
That's right, we got a crack priest in New York.
You know what I'm talkin' about, the priest that was recently caught smoking crack while writin' a sermon.
I'm not even makin' this up.
Now what the hell does a crack sermon sound like? On the sixth day, God created crack.
And on the seventh day, he sold his VCR.
( laughter ) Okay, we got to talk about O.
J.
, we have to talk about O.
J.
Now, O.
J.
, you know what happened, he's getting ready to lose a lot of money.
You know, you lose a lot of money, he might have to move back with his mother.
'Cause he might lose his house.
Now, his mother's an old lady.
She's too old to be pickin' up behind O.
J.
Oh, O.
J.
, is this your blood? Now, O.
J.
has been playin' a lot of golf lately.
But now, he's complainin' he can't play at the posh country clubs anymore, no.
I read in the paper where he had he has to play at a public course in a bad neighborhood.
I've never heard of a golf course in a bad neighborhood.
Okay? If you got that much grass, you live in a pretty good neighborhood.
( cheering ) The big issue-- ebonics.
Ebonics-- big in the news.
Ebonics, everybody-- they say there's two ways of speaking, there's two ways of talkin'.
Yeah, there's two ways: one way if want a job, ( audience laughing ) and that other way.
My man, Dennis Rodman, has been reinstated into the NBA-- - he's coming back, yes.
- ( applause ) Now, Dennis had to pay a photographer $200,000 when he fell out of bounds, you know, he kicked the cameraman.
Now, in the old days, cameramen would get out of the way.
Now, when the cameraman sees somebody comin' they just take the charge.
A women's NBA is starting up.
They got the whole women's thing going now.
Yeah, it's cool.
They got all the women players, all the big ones from the Olympics are signed up.
And they're gonna get everything that the male NBA players get.
They're gonna get million-dollar shoe contracts, they're gonna get endorsements, they gonna get white girls, everything! Riddick Bowe just joined the marines.
Riddick Bowe joined the marines.
Well, that's some ass whuppin.
You get your ass whipped so bad, I'm gonna sign up for the marines.
How they gonna treat Riddick Bowe in the marines? Riddick Bowe got like $100 million.
100 million.
It's like, Riddick, drop down, give me 20.
Not 20 pushups, $20,000.
Speaking of boxing, Mike Tyson, my man, Mike, turned down an offer to endorse St.
Ives malt liquor.
St.
Ives malt liquor.
And Mike said, "That's how I got fucked up the first time.
" ( cheering ) Hey, I want to thank everybody for coming out.
I want you to give it up for Grandmaster Flash.
( cheering ) Now, every black neighborhood has a Martin Luther King Boulevard, or a Malcolm X Boulevard.
But there's never been a street named after a slain black icon in a white neighborhood.
So what I did, I went to Howard Beach to see if I could get people to sign a petition to rename one of their greatest streets into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Here's what happened.
Look at the screen.
I'm telling you that he stinks, his music stinks.
And I'm not interested in having this boulevard's name changed to a piece of dirt like him.
Pull over, over here.
- Pull over, over here.
Pull over, over here.
- Rock: Go.
Go.
Rock: What the fuck are you doing? I'm not gonna stop for nobody who's not a cop.
Have a good day.
Any problems let us know.
We're trying to change your Crossbay Boulevard - into a Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
- ( laughs ) - Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
- Why? He wants to change Crossbay into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Too bad he's dead.
He shoulda died before he was born.
You got nothing better to do? Are you familiar with Tupac? ( sings hip hop lyric ) Go back to Jersey.
We're trying to change Crossbay Boulevard into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
I don't want to sign it, sorry.
And I liked him, he's a good entertainer.
I like you, Tupac I didn't care for.
Have you every heard any of Tupac's music? ( hip hop music playing ) You don't feel that? Maybe I don't want to hear of it.
Come on, bop your head.
I think you got a pair, some pair of balls to come around a neighborhood like this-- support Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
( music resumes ) - Rock: Bruce Springsteen Boulevard? - No.
- How about Neil Diamond Boulevard? - No.
- Eric Clapton Boulevard? - No.
Do you remember Olivia Newton John? Rock: Olivia Newton John? ( pop music plays ) What about Frank Sinatra? What if it was Frank Sinatra Boulevard? - That would be a different story, right? - No, not Frank Sinatra.
Rock: Residents of Howard Beach unite.
Support Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Oh, I think I want to change the street now.
- Great! - Let's change the name.
All right, what the hell.
You got one more step.
I'm into that.
Absolutely.
( applause and cheers ) Okay, I want to thank Suge Knight and all the good people at Death Row Records for letting us use that music.
Yes, yes.
Now, our first guest tonight is recognized as one of the top defense attorneys in the world.
Please welcome, the Michael Jordan of the dream team, Mr.
Johnnie Cochran.
( cheering ) All right, good seeing you, good seeing you.
Yes, finally.
I'm glad to be here.
I'm not Johnnie Cochran.
I'm the lawyer formerly known as Johnnie Cochran.
Oh, okay.
Okay, let me ask you this.
Does O.
J.
owe you any money? ( laughs ) Let's see, I think he owes me about $8.
6 million.
But no, I'm only kidding, no.
You're slightly kidding.
I'm only kidding.
Well you better kid him, 'cause you never know what might happen.
I'm only kidding.
( laughing ) You're like an idol to me.
You are-- first of all forget the O.
J.
Thing.
You got Todd Bridges-- shot at somebody eight times, you got him off.
Michael Jackson had a kid sleepin' in his house, you talked to somebody, he's a free man.
You know after this trial people got so mad at you.
You know, they didn't give you the respect you were due.
I mean, Marcia Clark got the bigger book deal than you.
You're kinda like Joe Frasier after he beat Ali.
- ( laughing ) - It's like he won, but no, I guess he didn't.
Everybody talks about race in the whole trial.
Do you think looks had anything to do with it? 'Cause O.
J.
was a good-looking guy.
Well, I've had cases where good-looking defendants-- I once had a case where we had pictures of the defendant in his briefs.
And you should have seen the jury, they were mesmerized by the pictures of this man.
And so looks has something to do with it.
What the defendant a football player? I represented a couple of football players.
- Jim Brown.
- Really! - Yes.
- Oh man, you like 'em-- - ( both laughing ) - You repped Jim Brown too? Like when he threw the little white girl out the window? That was just an allegation.
That was just an allegation.
Oh, okay.
( applause, laughing ) That's right, you know, 'cause some people think they can fly.
And if she thought she could fly, my client just happened to be behind her why should he do any time, your honor? If she can't fly, don't ask me why? Oh, man.
I'm just so on yours, man.
Okay, on the serious side, do you think it's possible for a poor man to get a fair trial in this country? It's real hard for a poor man to get a fair trail, Chris.
I mean, there's no question about it.
If you don't have the finances to level the playing field.
Prosecution has all the resources, and it's very difficult.
It's one of the things we ought to address in this country, to have adequate resources for everybody.
So everybody can get a fair trial.
( applause ) Let me ask you this.
When was the last time you represented a poor man? Oh, I have lots-- we talk all the time.
You hear about the M.
J.
's and the O.
J.
's, but I love representing the no-J's, people you never heard of.
Those are my favorite clients absolutely, no question.
I got a couple of cousins - that may need your help.
- All right.
Now, you went after-- your big thing is going after the police departments.
That's your thing, and I remember in our pre-interview thing, you said, years ago, it was unheard of to go after a police department.
" When we first started trying cases of police brutality, nobody in LA.
had ever won a case-- ever.
And now, it's commonplace now.
Because people wanted to bury their heads in the sand.
Police do a fine job in most communities, but not all police always tell the truth, or and sometimes they beat people up.
And we tried to argue this for years, and now we've demonstrated that.
And I think it's made for better police departments.
And it's made for a better society.
People should stop burying their heads in the sand.
( applause ) Now what was the craziest-- just give me an example of police brutality that no one would ever think would happen.
Well, I was trying a case of a client who basically, the police broke his neck.
It was a real sad case.
This man had eight children.
In the course of the trial, the lawyer for the county of Los Angeles was going to demonstrate-- they hog-tied this man.
And he was going to demonstrate for the jury how that wasn't so bad, to be hog-tied.
You know, where you have your hands behind your back and you have your legs cuffed and you hook them together.
And he allowed himself to get on the table in the trial, to be hog-tied.
After a while, he turned so red he could hardly talk.
And I just pointed, I said, "That's exhibit number one, Iadies and gentlemen of the jury," and it was so graphic.
Even he learned how tough it was.
Wow, man.
Whoa, and today that guy's a rich man.
And so is Johnnie.
- I don't know about that.
- Oh, I saw you in "Jet," man.
( laughing ) You had a Rolls Royce before O.
J.
, man.
You're livin' good, man.
Let me address-- do you think that the media in the country is treating you unfairly? You know, I accept what takes place.
But let me put it this way.
I think that if-- under the circumstances there are a lot of people in the media who pre-judged the Simpson case.
And they pre-judged everything we did.
And I think that if I were white it would have been a different situation, I really do.
And so, you might as well tell the truth.
If you were white, you'd be like Tom Cruise in "The Firm.
" That's right, that's right.
You'd have been the man.
Oh my God, man.
So, what's next for Johnnie Cochran? Well, a couple of things.
I'm going to be appearing at Madison Square Garden - with a talk on justice.
- Temptations, huh? No, no, we'll be singing-- on March 8th.
I've got my own show now, "Cochran and Grace," Each night 10 o'clock on "Court TV.
" And the most important thing for me right now is I have a client, Geronimo Pratt, former Black Panther leader, who was convicted 25 years ago on July of 1972, and he's innocent.
A victim of the FBl's counter-intelligence program.
On February 27th I'm going to California to argue a motion for a new trial for him.
And if we get it, we're going to try that case and get him out after all these years.
That's my passion.
( cheers, applause ) - Mr.
Johnnie Cochran.
- My pleasure.
Thank you for being here.
I hope I never need ya.
Thank you, Chris.
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( cheers, applause ) In recent years, Americans have become fascinated with court cases, Iike O.
J.
the Menendez Brothers, so in keeping with that, we have our own legal correspondent, Mr.
Coleman Brooks.
- Hello, Coleman.
- How ya doing, Chris? So Coleman, what sort of case are you following this week? Chris, it's an armed robbery of a convenience store at the corner of Hillside and 89th Street in Queens, New York.
Really, now, what's the big deal about a holdup? Well, Chris, this case could have larger ramifications.
- Like what? - Like I could do ten years.
Wait, hold up a minute, you could do ten years? Chris, the prosecution alleges that a black man, matching my description, entered the mini-mart in question, brandishing a 45-caliber handgun, making off with some $87.
He was later arrested after spending the money on several vials of crack cocaine.
So, what are you claiming about these charges? They're preposterous, Chris.
I've been off the pipe for a week.
Right, so Coleman, let me get this straight.
What is the prosecution basing their case on? Their key piece of evidence is this piece of video tape from the surveillance camera at the mini-market in question.
Give me the money.
Rock: Wait a minute.
That was you, Coleman.
Uh, Chris, allegedly.
But the defense intends to prove a prima facie case that the defendant was a victim of entrapment.
Coleman, how the hell was that entrapment? Well, Chris, there was a store, with money in it.
I was broke, therefore the store was entrapping for me into coming in and robbing it.
Yeah, but what about the video? Keep in mind, Chris, it's a very short piece of video footage and a shot at a distance of some nine feet.
Yeah, but, Coleman, if they slow it down and enlarge it, there'll be no mistaking that was you.
Allegedly, Chris.
But if they speed it up and shrink it, you can barely make me out.
Why the fuck would they do that? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Coleman, I thought you were a legal expert.
Allegedly, Chris, once again.
- Thanks, Coleman, we'll get back you.
- Thank you.
( applause ) Hey, Conan.
Hey, Chris, congratulations, that was great.
Oh man, I'm glad you could make it.
Yeah, your first talk show.
I was watching it.
I gotta say you really earned your wings out there.
You know, that means a lot coming from you.
All right, well, let's get this over with.
( screaming ) Oh, God! Come on, come on! Take it like a man.
Come on! My heart! Come on, take it! ( groans ) ( theme music playing )
This is where we tape "The Chris Rock Show.
" You know, this old studio is steeped in tradition.
( audience laughing ) Ah, let me check out my old pictures.
Boy, who could forget the time all the Wayans brothers stopped by? Ah, that Marlon sure is funny.
Ah, my first writing staff.
They really wanted to get to know the black experience, so I fired 'em.
And how could I forget the night Marion Barry guest-hosted the show? Ooh, I caught a lot of flak for that.
But, hey, Chris stands by his friends.
People don't know this, but I'm the second Chris Rock.
Like they had two Lionels on "The Jeffersons"? Here's the original Chris.
He drowned in a vat of activator.
God rest his soul.
Hey, who could forget the night O.
J.
came by to sell his new instructional video tape, "l didn't kill my wife! But if I did, Here's how I'd do it.
" Crazy.
What is this? The first "Chris Rock Show.
" Hey, let's watch this, "Chris Rock," number one.
Announcer: From New York City, it's "The Chris Rock Show.
" Tonight, Johnnie Cochran.
Plus musical director Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen-- Chris Rock! ( cheers and applause ) Hey, what's up, what's up? I want to thank everybody for coming out to my show.
Fun to be doing a show in New York.
New York, New York, the home of the crack priest.
That's right, we got a crack priest in New York.
You know what I'm talkin' about, the priest that was recently caught smoking crack while writin' a sermon.
I'm not even makin' this up.
Now what the hell does a crack sermon sound like? On the sixth day, God created crack.
And on the seventh day, he sold his VCR.
( laughter ) Okay, we got to talk about O.
J.
, we have to talk about O.
J.
Now, O.
J.
, you know what happened, he's getting ready to lose a lot of money.
You know, you lose a lot of money, he might have to move back with his mother.
'Cause he might lose his house.
Now, his mother's an old lady.
She's too old to be pickin' up behind O.
J.
Oh, O.
J.
, is this your blood? Now, O.
J.
has been playin' a lot of golf lately.
But now, he's complainin' he can't play at the posh country clubs anymore, no.
I read in the paper where he had he has to play at a public course in a bad neighborhood.
I've never heard of a golf course in a bad neighborhood.
Okay? If you got that much grass, you live in a pretty good neighborhood.
( cheering ) The big issue-- ebonics.
Ebonics-- big in the news.
Ebonics, everybody-- they say there's two ways of speaking, there's two ways of talkin'.
Yeah, there's two ways: one way if want a job, ( audience laughing ) and that other way.
My man, Dennis Rodman, has been reinstated into the NBA-- - he's coming back, yes.
- ( applause ) Now, Dennis had to pay a photographer $200,000 when he fell out of bounds, you know, he kicked the cameraman.
Now, in the old days, cameramen would get out of the way.
Now, when the cameraman sees somebody comin' they just take the charge.
A women's NBA is starting up.
They got the whole women's thing going now.
Yeah, it's cool.
They got all the women players, all the big ones from the Olympics are signed up.
And they're gonna get everything that the male NBA players get.
They're gonna get million-dollar shoe contracts, they're gonna get endorsements, they gonna get white girls, everything! Riddick Bowe just joined the marines.
Riddick Bowe joined the marines.
Well, that's some ass whuppin.
You get your ass whipped so bad, I'm gonna sign up for the marines.
How they gonna treat Riddick Bowe in the marines? Riddick Bowe got like $100 million.
100 million.
It's like, Riddick, drop down, give me 20.
Not 20 pushups, $20,000.
Speaking of boxing, Mike Tyson, my man, Mike, turned down an offer to endorse St.
Ives malt liquor.
St.
Ives malt liquor.
And Mike said, "That's how I got fucked up the first time.
" ( cheering ) Hey, I want to thank everybody for coming out.
I want you to give it up for Grandmaster Flash.
( cheering ) Now, every black neighborhood has a Martin Luther King Boulevard, or a Malcolm X Boulevard.
But there's never been a street named after a slain black icon in a white neighborhood.
So what I did, I went to Howard Beach to see if I could get people to sign a petition to rename one of their greatest streets into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Here's what happened.
Look at the screen.
I'm telling you that he stinks, his music stinks.
And I'm not interested in having this boulevard's name changed to a piece of dirt like him.
Pull over, over here.
- Pull over, over here.
Pull over, over here.
- Rock: Go.
Go.
Rock: What the fuck are you doing? I'm not gonna stop for nobody who's not a cop.
Have a good day.
Any problems let us know.
We're trying to change your Crossbay Boulevard - into a Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
- ( laughs ) - Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
- Why? He wants to change Crossbay into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Too bad he's dead.
He shoulda died before he was born.
You got nothing better to do? Are you familiar with Tupac? ( sings hip hop lyric ) Go back to Jersey.
We're trying to change Crossbay Boulevard into Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
I don't want to sign it, sorry.
And I liked him, he's a good entertainer.
I like you, Tupac I didn't care for.
Have you every heard any of Tupac's music? ( hip hop music playing ) You don't feel that? Maybe I don't want to hear of it.
Come on, bop your head.
I think you got a pair, some pair of balls to come around a neighborhood like this-- support Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
( music resumes ) - Rock: Bruce Springsteen Boulevard? - No.
- How about Neil Diamond Boulevard? - No.
- Eric Clapton Boulevard? - No.
Do you remember Olivia Newton John? Rock: Olivia Newton John? ( pop music plays ) What about Frank Sinatra? What if it was Frank Sinatra Boulevard? - That would be a different story, right? - No, not Frank Sinatra.
Rock: Residents of Howard Beach unite.
Support Tupac Shakur Boulevard.
Oh, I think I want to change the street now.
- Great! - Let's change the name.
All right, what the hell.
You got one more step.
I'm into that.
Absolutely.
( applause and cheers ) Okay, I want to thank Suge Knight and all the good people at Death Row Records for letting us use that music.
Yes, yes.
Now, our first guest tonight is recognized as one of the top defense attorneys in the world.
Please welcome, the Michael Jordan of the dream team, Mr.
Johnnie Cochran.
( cheering ) All right, good seeing you, good seeing you.
Yes, finally.
I'm glad to be here.
I'm not Johnnie Cochran.
I'm the lawyer formerly known as Johnnie Cochran.
Oh, okay.
Okay, let me ask you this.
Does O.
J.
owe you any money? ( laughs ) Let's see, I think he owes me about $8.
6 million.
But no, I'm only kidding, no.
You're slightly kidding.
I'm only kidding.
Well you better kid him, 'cause you never know what might happen.
I'm only kidding.
( laughing ) You're like an idol to me.
You are-- first of all forget the O.
J.
Thing.
You got Todd Bridges-- shot at somebody eight times, you got him off.
Michael Jackson had a kid sleepin' in his house, you talked to somebody, he's a free man.
You know after this trial people got so mad at you.
You know, they didn't give you the respect you were due.
I mean, Marcia Clark got the bigger book deal than you.
You're kinda like Joe Frasier after he beat Ali.
- ( laughing ) - It's like he won, but no, I guess he didn't.
Everybody talks about race in the whole trial.
Do you think looks had anything to do with it? 'Cause O.
J.
was a good-looking guy.
Well, I've had cases where good-looking defendants-- I once had a case where we had pictures of the defendant in his briefs.
And you should have seen the jury, they were mesmerized by the pictures of this man.
And so looks has something to do with it.
What the defendant a football player? I represented a couple of football players.
- Jim Brown.
- Really! - Yes.
- Oh man, you like 'em-- - ( both laughing ) - You repped Jim Brown too? Like when he threw the little white girl out the window? That was just an allegation.
That was just an allegation.
Oh, okay.
( applause, laughing ) That's right, you know, 'cause some people think they can fly.
And if she thought she could fly, my client just happened to be behind her why should he do any time, your honor? If she can't fly, don't ask me why? Oh, man.
I'm just so on yours, man.
Okay, on the serious side, do you think it's possible for a poor man to get a fair trial in this country? It's real hard for a poor man to get a fair trail, Chris.
I mean, there's no question about it.
If you don't have the finances to level the playing field.
Prosecution has all the resources, and it's very difficult.
It's one of the things we ought to address in this country, to have adequate resources for everybody.
So everybody can get a fair trial.
( applause ) Let me ask you this.
When was the last time you represented a poor man? Oh, I have lots-- we talk all the time.
You hear about the M.
J.
's and the O.
J.
's, but I love representing the no-J's, people you never heard of.
Those are my favorite clients absolutely, no question.
I got a couple of cousins - that may need your help.
- All right.
Now, you went after-- your big thing is going after the police departments.
That's your thing, and I remember in our pre-interview thing, you said, years ago, it was unheard of to go after a police department.
" When we first started trying cases of police brutality, nobody in LA.
had ever won a case-- ever.
And now, it's commonplace now.
Because people wanted to bury their heads in the sand.
Police do a fine job in most communities, but not all police always tell the truth, or and sometimes they beat people up.
And we tried to argue this for years, and now we've demonstrated that.
And I think it's made for better police departments.
And it's made for a better society.
People should stop burying their heads in the sand.
( applause ) Now what was the craziest-- just give me an example of police brutality that no one would ever think would happen.
Well, I was trying a case of a client who basically, the police broke his neck.
It was a real sad case.
This man had eight children.
In the course of the trial, the lawyer for the county of Los Angeles was going to demonstrate-- they hog-tied this man.
And he was going to demonstrate for the jury how that wasn't so bad, to be hog-tied.
You know, where you have your hands behind your back and you have your legs cuffed and you hook them together.
And he allowed himself to get on the table in the trial, to be hog-tied.
After a while, he turned so red he could hardly talk.
And I just pointed, I said, "That's exhibit number one, Iadies and gentlemen of the jury," and it was so graphic.
Even he learned how tough it was.
Wow, man.
Whoa, and today that guy's a rich man.
And so is Johnnie.
- I don't know about that.
- Oh, I saw you in "Jet," man.
( laughing ) You had a Rolls Royce before O.
J.
, man.
You're livin' good, man.
Let me address-- do you think that the media in the country is treating you unfairly? You know, I accept what takes place.
But let me put it this way.
I think that if-- under the circumstances there are a lot of people in the media who pre-judged the Simpson case.
And they pre-judged everything we did.
And I think that if I were white it would have been a different situation, I really do.
And so, you might as well tell the truth.
If you were white, you'd be like Tom Cruise in "The Firm.
" That's right, that's right.
You'd have been the man.
Oh my God, man.
So, what's next for Johnnie Cochran? Well, a couple of things.
I'm going to be appearing at Madison Square Garden - with a talk on justice.
- Temptations, huh? No, no, we'll be singing-- on March 8th.
I've got my own show now, "Cochran and Grace," Each night 10 o'clock on "Court TV.
" And the most important thing for me right now is I have a client, Geronimo Pratt, former Black Panther leader, who was convicted 25 years ago on July of 1972, and he's innocent.
A victim of the FBl's counter-intelligence program.
On February 27th I'm going to California to argue a motion for a new trial for him.
And if we get it, we're going to try that case and get him out after all these years.
That's my passion.
( cheers, applause ) - Mr.
Johnnie Cochran.
- My pleasure.
Thank you for being here.
I hope I never need ya.
Thank you, Chris.
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( cheers, applause ) In recent years, Americans have become fascinated with court cases, Iike O.
J.
the Menendez Brothers, so in keeping with that, we have our own legal correspondent, Mr.
Coleman Brooks.
- Hello, Coleman.
- How ya doing, Chris? So Coleman, what sort of case are you following this week? Chris, it's an armed robbery of a convenience store at the corner of Hillside and 89th Street in Queens, New York.
Really, now, what's the big deal about a holdup? Well, Chris, this case could have larger ramifications.
- Like what? - Like I could do ten years.
Wait, hold up a minute, you could do ten years? Chris, the prosecution alleges that a black man, matching my description, entered the mini-mart in question, brandishing a 45-caliber handgun, making off with some $87.
He was later arrested after spending the money on several vials of crack cocaine.
So, what are you claiming about these charges? They're preposterous, Chris.
I've been off the pipe for a week.
Right, so Coleman, let me get this straight.
What is the prosecution basing their case on? Their key piece of evidence is this piece of video tape from the surveillance camera at the mini-market in question.
Give me the money.
Rock: Wait a minute.
That was you, Coleman.
Uh, Chris, allegedly.
But the defense intends to prove a prima facie case that the defendant was a victim of entrapment.
Coleman, how the hell was that entrapment? Well, Chris, there was a store, with money in it.
I was broke, therefore the store was entrapping for me into coming in and robbing it.
Yeah, but what about the video? Keep in mind, Chris, it's a very short piece of video footage and a shot at a distance of some nine feet.
Yeah, but, Coleman, if they slow it down and enlarge it, there'll be no mistaking that was you.
Allegedly, Chris.
But if they speed it up and shrink it, you can barely make me out.
Why the fuck would they do that? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Coleman, I thought you were a legal expert.
Allegedly, Chris, once again.
- Thanks, Coleman, we'll get back you.
- Thank you.
( applause ) Hey, Conan.
Hey, Chris, congratulations, that was great.
Oh man, I'm glad you could make it.
Yeah, your first talk show.
I was watching it.
I gotta say you really earned your wings out there.
You know, that means a lot coming from you.
All right, well, let's get this over with.
( screaming ) Oh, God! Come on, come on! Take it like a man.
Come on! My heart! Come on, take it! ( groans ) ( theme music playing )