The Class s01e14 Episode Script

The Class Has to Go to a Stupid Museum

She just-- she drives me crazy.
I know that she's my mother and I should appreciate her, and she's gonna be dead someday, but Oh, it would just be so much easier if I knew when.
You playing video games? No.
You totally have video game voice.
Hey, I can listen and hit a pimp with a bat at the same time.
Eat wood, bitch! Come in.
Hey, you're here.
My rehearsal ended early.
I should go.
All right, tell Benjamin hi.
Ethan says hi.
- Oh, I like Ethan.
- Oh! - It's sometimes hard to believe he's a doctor.
- Why? Ah, no fair! I paused it! Hey, you ready to go? - One sec.
- Movie starts in 20 minutes.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Want something to drink? - No, thanks.
- Kat and Benjamin.
She thinks she hung up, but she didn't.
So, dinner last night-- that was pretty fun.
They had dinner with me last night! I particularly enjoyed our time in the ladies' room.
Do you think Ethan knew? I'm gonna say Ethan did not know.
Where's the weirdest place you've ever done it? Oh, we're not going to the movies, are we? No! Okay, time to install some outlets in this mother.
You know the drill.
Yes, I do.
So, uh, go get me the drill.
Oh, I thought you meant-- okay.
Hey, guys.
Look who's here! Holy crap! Melanie Deacon! Carmello, get over here! - Hey, girl! - Hi! How's--how's Kevin? What's he doing these days? Um, Kevin's doing his big, old, whore-face assistant.
Maybe you should have started with, "How are you?" It's okay--I kicked his ass in the divorce and moved back here so my mom could tell me - all the reasons she saw it coming.
- She do it a lot? It's freaking Groundhog Day.
Hey, Melanie, I-- Richie Velch.
You probably don't remember me.
We had bio together in ninth grade.
My locker was three down from yours.
Oh, and I think one summer you might have come into the Radio Shack where I worked and bought a 6-volt AC adapter.
Or something.
Oh, sure.
She remembers.
Guess there was a little extra electricity in the old Radio Shack that day.
So, what do you want to watch? I don't know.
There's nothing good on.
They're spending their Friday night channel surfing? Losers! Oh, leave this channel.
I like her.
Yeah, she was good in that boxing movie with Clint Eastwood.
What's her name again? Hilary Swank.
UhKate something? Or Hilary something.
Kate, um, Kate, um I can't think of it.
But I know she's British.
No, she's not.
Really? Wow, I had no idea.
Her American accent's so good.
Because she's American! Hilary Swank? Thank you! No, that's not it.
But she's British too.
I may kill myself.
You know, I've never heard you play the violin.
Wait--on our first date, you said I was amazing in concert.
Yeah, I was just trying to get into your pants.
She's a class act.
So come on! Bust out that fiddle.
I wanna hear.
How about a little Mozart? Wow! I know.
- I'm gonna pee.
- Me too.
Well, I'm taking off.
It was really great seeing you.
Ah, it's Lina.
My girlfriend.
Hey, baby.
What? That is my real voice.
He hasn't changed a bit, has he? Actually I don't remember him at all.
Picture him stuffed in a locker with his underwear pulled over his head.
He's that guy! Sure! Hey, um, listen, Duncan, I was wondering are you seeing anyone? Uh, no.
Well, maybe we could get a drink or something.
First time I've done that since the divorce.
- How'd I do? - Solid work.
You know, I'd love to, but here's the thing-- it might be kind of weird for Nicole.
Really? After ten years? Yeah, you know.
Oh, okay.
Well, if you're up for it, ask her and let me know.
- Will do.
- Okay.
Hey, Melanie, I found that card.
This guy's Yonk's buddy.
He'll give you a great deal on a car, but heads up-- he does get a little handsy.
So maybe I'll keep the test drive short.
- And bring a whistle.
- Yeah.
I'm so glad you're back.
Yeah, me, too.
See ya, Melanie Deacon.
- She's so great.
- Yeah.
So, um, she kinda just asked me out.
Really? Yeah, I mean, I don't think I'm gonna go-- Why not? Well, you know, I-- thought it might be a little weird for you.
For me? Absolutely not.
Really? What, because of us? Well, yeah.
Uh, hi.
I'm married.
If you want to go out with her, you should go out with her.
Well, then maybe I will go out with her.
Maybe I'll go out with her tonight.
Her number's on the fridge.
Okay, fine.
You're really okay with this? Yeah, I really am.
You wanna go get some dinner? Sure.
Maybe we should put some clothes on first.
What? When did clothes come off? How did we miss that? Wait, was he playing the violin naked? That's troubling! Or hot.
We're different.
Hey, guys.
Hey, grab a seat.
- We're listening to Kat and Benjamin.
- Huh? I vote for not going out.
It's too cold.
I can warm you up.
Oh, my gosh, you guys shouldn't be doing this! No, no, they're not talking about anything personal.
FYI--both naked right now.
I'm hanging up.
This is so wrong.
How 'bout takeout from that place Palmer was telling us about? Hey, I'm in it! So, Palmer and Ethan? What's their story? They seem like an odd fit.
No, we don't.
As far as I can tell, it's pretty much all about the sex.
Well [chuckling] How dare she! They really have nothing else in common.
It's, like, all they do.
We're not doing it right now.
Which I appreciate.
We do do it a lot.
Not more so than anyone who has a bed.
Or a shower, or a couch.
Seriously, if you took the sex away, they got nothin'.
What "huh"? What's that "huh"? "Huh" what? Well, I don't know.
Maybe we should stop doing it for a while.
What? Well, it could be really good for us, you know, to see what else we have.
Okay, let's just all just calm down.
Nothing ever got solved by not having sex.
You'll see.
This'll be a really positive experience.
Uh, I had this experience till I was 19.
It wasn't that positive.
I was chunky.
Oh, either of you guys want another drink? Uh, I'm okay.
I think I could wrestle another chocolate gorilla to the ground.
Give me another scotch and soda on the rocks.
Actually, hold the soda.
And make it a double scotch.
And screw the rocks.
You okay? I'm great.
So can you believe you're getting your casts off? It's so wild, you know.
I can't believe in a couple of days I'll actually be walking and just have that-- that feeling of, uh [tapping] hey, tappy, what's happening there? I'm sorry.
Where are you tonight? I'm here.
I'm fine.
You're so not.
What's going on? Okay.
Can you guys keep a secret? - Yeah.
- No! What? I don't want to hear it.
I'm terrible with secrets.
You can keep a secret.
You went three months without telling me you were married.
I mean, I swear, the entire time, I had no clue.
You're sweet.
All right.
Go ahead.
Okay, so Duncan went on a date tonight with this girl from high school.
Melanie Deacon.
We had a moment in Radio Shack.
She cannot let it go.
Anyway, I told Duncan that I was okay with him going out, because what else could I say? I have no right to stop him.
Well, why-- why would you want to? Do you still have feelings for Duncan? You can't tell anyone.
This is really big.
Oh, okay, well, feelings happen.
But so long as you don't act on those feelings [tapping] Uh, uh-oh.
What? You know what? I'm sorry.
I can't talk about it.
A double scotch and a chocolate gorilla for the lady.
Well, come on, what--what were you gonna tell us? All right.
Hold on.
Do you-- Hold on.
Okay, go.
Do you remember when Ethan Haas had that party? The night Richie ran me over? Oh, yeah, right.
So you remember.
Well, after the party, I went over to Duncan's, and we kind of No! What? They what? No! Yeah.
I can't believe you told me that! I have to work with him, and I'm gonna know this.
And he's gonna know I know.
- How is he gonna know? - Because I'm gonna tell him! I can't help it.
Words come out.
No, you can't tell him, because I need you to find out how his date went.
Great--a secret and an assignment? Just the basics.
Was it good, was it bad, did they sleep together? I have to find out if they [mouths words]? You can ask him.
It's guy talk.
You're a guy.
I am a guy.
Little piece of cookie.
- Hey.
- Whatever.
What's your problem? - Nothin'.
- Fine.
You wanna know what my problem is? Learn how to use your phone! Huh? Come here.
You see this little button right here, this one that says off? Maybe try pressing it at the end of a conversation so other people don't have to hear you talk trash about their relationships.
Againhuh? You didn't hang up after we got off the phone yesterday.
What, you listened? What did you hear? It's not what I heard.
It's what Palmer heard.
Palmer was listening too? And Kyle Who, by the way, almost had a stroke over that whole Hilary Swank thing.
It was Hilary Swank.
Yes! American actress Hilary Swank! I cannot believe that you were listening to us! Well, I can't believe you said Palmer and I were all about the sex! I didn't say it to you! Doesn't matter.
Palmer heard it.
And now we're not having any sex.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Apparently, it'll be "good for us" as a couple.
It'll be "healthy" for us to find out what else we have in common.
So today, we're going to a "museum.
" A "museum!" Easy with the air quotes! No.
You took away a beautiful thing like sex and replaced it with Egyptian pottery.
Well you know, I'd like to say "I'm sorry," but "I'm not!" Hey, man.
So, uh, how did the date go last night? Okay.
Yeah? Did you tap that? What? You know did you do the deed, close the deal? Did you get jiggy with it? You know the date was last night, not ten years ago, right? Come on, guy-to-guy Was there coitus? Wow.
Uh No, there was no coitus.
Actually, the, uh, date wasn't so great.
Not so great.
No coitus.
Got it.
It wasn't Melanie.
She's awesome-- You know, I have all the information that I need.
It's just I don't know, my head.
It wasn't in the right place.
And we're still talking.
Okay, what I'm about to tell you, you can't tell anyone.
- Oh, God.
- No, seriously.
Dude, this is a huge secret.
I'm, uh I'm still kinda hung up on Nicole.
And I thought she was hung up on me, and then this whole Melanie thing happened, and I expected it to bum her out, but she was totally fine with it, and then that bummed me out, and I spent the entire time thinking, like, how could she be okay with this? I mean, how-- how can she not even care? Maybe she did care.
Trust me, dude.
She didn't.
Consider the possibility that she did.
She flat-out told me she didn't.
Consider the possibility that she didn't mean it.
Look, I'm not an idiot.
Consider the possibility that you are an idiot.
- What? - She cared, okay? She didn't want you to go out on the date.
Don't ask how I know.
She told me.
That's how I know.
Really, she-- she cared? Yeah, yeah, she was a mess last night.
She even wanted me to find out how the date went.
And she wouldn't tell me? Interesting.
Here's what you're gonna tell her.
Oh, God.
You're gonna tell her the date was great, that it--it was awesome, that we, uh, coitussed our brains out.
Great--now I'm lying.
I'm keeping secrets.
You might as well ask me to play a sport.
So, how fun was that Egyptian pottery? The funnest.
And that short film on how they made it? So interesting and really not that short.
That bike ride was pretty great, huh? Yeah.
Not as cold as I thought it was gonna be.
No, no, not too cold.
And not too hilly.
You know when you think about all the things that we did today, it se seems like we have a lot more in common than just sex.
Totally! Kat's crazy! I mean, we've got bikes and pottery And what about those ducks that we fed at the pond? Ducks.
And don't forget that wish that we made in the fountain.
See! We've got bikes, pottery, ducks, and wishes! And driving.
We drove a bunch today.
And, hello, who had lunch? We did! Whoo, okay.
So now we've got bikes, ducks, pottery, wishes, driving, lunch It seems like sex is just a small part of who we are.
Oh, it really does.
Oh, my God! This is so much hotter than when we did it at the museum.
Hey, so? Talk to me.
How did his date go? Uhhe said it was great and awesome.
Really? Yeah.
Uh, it appears that he tapped that.
Okay, well, th-thanks for finding out.
You're welcome.
Except it's not true.
What? Look, there was no tapping.
He had a horrible time.
- Really? Why? - I can't say.
But you know I'm gonna.
He couldn't stop thinking about you, 'cause he thought you didn't care.
Oh, my God! I should have brought a change of shirt.
So, I hear your date went really well.
Yeah, it was awesome.
It couldn't have gone better.
- Good.
I'm really happy for you.
- Are you? - I really am.
- I appreciate it.
Not at all.
Oh, dear God! He knows you care.
She knows it didn't go well.
You each know what you know! I'm going home.
I need a dry shirt and a chocolate gorilla! So, um, you and Melanie, it wasn't so awesome, huh? Nope.
That make you happy? Yep.
That make you happy? Yep.
It's healthy, what we have.
Oh, yeah.
It is official.
This place is no longer wheelchair accessible.
Oh, well, no offense to the handicapped, but yay! So how was "the museum"? It was good.
We "did it" behind an "urn.
" Good.
I hope you got "ashes" in your "cracks.
" Hey, guys.
All right, here she is.
Ready to stand on her own two feet.
Yeah! (Nicole) Wow.
How do you feel? Tall.
You look great.
What's wrong? Oh, nothing.
I just can't believe it's actually happening.
I mean, I guess there was always a small part of me that was worried that you'd never-- I'm okay.
You are.
Okay, now come on in.
Surprise--no ramps.