The Cleveland Show s01e01 Episode Script
1APS01 - Pilot
And that is how I got Liza Minnelli's poop on my shoe.
[ALL LAUGH.]
- Hey, what's your problem, Cleveland? - I've just had a terrible day.
[PETER SIGHS.]
Okay, what happened? My divorce was finalized and I lost the house to Loretta.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, my God.
I've never seen a black guy cry before.
I thought you guys just got more pissed off.
- Cleveland, where are you gonna live? - I don't know.
Quagmire, could I stay on your gross couch? I need that for humping strangers.
How about you, Joe? Can I stay at your house? - No.
- I understand.
Plus, it's not just me.
I also got custody of Cleveland Jr.
- What is he, 14 years old now? - Yep.
Man, he aged faster than Kathleen Turner.
Good news, Kathleen.
You've been offered the leading role in a new feature.
- What part? - What else? The Babe.
COMMENTATOR: Wow.
The Babe seems to be calling his shot.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Aw, great.
Now we're losing.
Dad, when am I gonna get hair around my grits? Oh, you'll get there, Cleveland Jr.
But right now, we got bigger problems than that.
Your mama wants this house by tomorrow at sundown.
- Where are we gonna go? - Exactly.
- Exactly who? - This ain't no knock-knock joke.
We gotta figure out what we're gonna do.
- Light it, Brian.
- I don't wanna do this.
Do it, Brian.
It's the only way I'm gonna catch that bird.
BIRD: Meep meep.
- Here he comes.
Light it.
No, no, no! Doggone it.
That's it.
No more.
I'm tired of being kicked around by this world.
BRIAN: I'm sorry, Cleveland.
- It's all right.
BRIAN: I tried to stop him.
- I don't blame you, Brian.
You're a dog.
A dog.
Hello, everyone.
Thank you all for coming.
Ha.
Anyway, I have an announcement to make.
Cleveland Jr.
And I are moving to California so I can pursue my lifelong dream of being a minor-league scout for a professional baseball organization.
Who's gonna run that deli you never go to? When you sell Boar's Head, it pretty much runs itself.
So I put in a call to my old batting instructor, Mr.
Joe Torre.
So Joe Torre, who coached the Yankees to four world championships was your batting instructor and this is the first we hear of it? See? This is exactly why I'm leaving.
Nobody ever asks anything about what Cleveland's got going on.
But if Peter wants to put together a new A-Team or overthrow a British pub or recreate all the whole damn Star Wars movies I'm expected to jump onboard, no questions asked.
Well, then I guess we're gonna have to find a new Ringo.
Well, gosh, Cleveland, we're gonna miss you.
Is there anything you need before you go? Um, you think you and Bonnie could kiss each other just once? - Why, l I don't know.
- Ha, ha.
- Ahh, I don't know.
- I suppose, ha, ha.
We might need some champagne.
[BONNIE & LOIS MO ANING.]
LOIS: Wow, Bonnie.
[LAUGHS.]
Dang.
That's the first time I ever asked for anything I really wanted.
QUAGMIRE: Touch touch boobs.
Well, this is it.
I didn't think it was gonna be so hard.
Goodbye, kids.
- Goodbye, Mr.
Cleveland.
- Bye.
Bye, chocolate people.
Quagmire, Joe, don't y'all go drinking any beers without me.
Ha, ha.
I know you will.
- Take care of yourself.
- Bye, chocolate people.
- Goodbye, Peter.
- Don't say goodbye.
The French say "au revoir.
" QUAGMIRE: Touch touch boobs.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
What the hell? He's getting his own show? [SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy moustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Dad, are you sure moving to California is the right decision for us? Well, it's pretty hard to steal second if your foot's still on first.
That sounds folksy.
What does it mean? It means you gotta take chances in life to find true happiness.
- That sounds gay.
- Gays are smart.
Just look at how many lines Gene Hackman has been able to memorize over the years.
Hey, look where we are.
Wait a minute.
What are we doing in Virginia? I have a surprise for you, Cleveland Jr.
We're gonna stop off for a day or two in my old hometown.
Okay.
But we're out of sandwich cookies.
Nutter Butters and Oreos gone? Damn.
There used to be so much hot fur walking around here.
Nowadays, the way the ladies are all grooming themselves I don't know what you'd call it.
I guess you'd say, there's so much hot area of skin walking around here.
I'm glad I grew up when I did.
Where's all your baseball trophies? Hmm.
Looks like they moved the trophy case.
Beg pardon.
Could you tell me where the trophy case? - Cleveland? - Donna? JT TAYLOR [SINGING ON SPEAKER.]
: I remember how we made Thanks for driving me to the dance, Cleveland.
Robert would have brought me but he wanted to get drunk with his friends first.
It's all right.
I enjoy your company.
I don't know why you're with that guy.
He don't treat you right.
- Oh, he's not so bad.
- Well, I think he is.
And I just want you to know that I think you're great.
You're wonderful, Donna.
- I love - There you are, baby.
Thanks for keeping her warm for me, dough boy.
Donna, come on over here and show my buddies your nice fat ass.
MAN 1: Ooh.
MAN 2: Yeah.
MAN 3: Dang.
MAN 2: That's a nice fat ass.
So you're working here at the old school? Yeah.
I work for the principal.
- How long you in town for? - Couple of days.
On our way to California.
Well, if you need a place to stay, we have a spare room at our house.
- But what would Robert think? - Aw, Cleveland there is no Robert anymore.
We're divorced.
I guess there is still some hot fur around here.
I guess there is.
[CHUCKLES.]
I guess there is.
Back in high school, I would have killed to spend the night at Donna Tubbs' house.
Wait a minute, Dad.
Is she the one you used to look at naked through her window from the ladder when you used to? [COUGHING.]
I don't even know why I told you about that.
[IN HIGH VOICE.]
"Oh, I can keep a secret, Daddy.
" [GUNSHOT.]
- You all right, Donna? - Yes, Lester.
Why? There's a couple of black guys following you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
You're also black.
Ha, ha.
Have a good day, then.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Well, I guess I'm back in the South.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Eighty-nine.
Forty-three on the back.
And the greens were fast.
I know.
I read your Twitter.
Holt, this is my friend, Cleveland.
What's up, dawg? [MIMICS EXPLOSION.]
- You got blowed up, brah.
WOMAN: Holt! - What, Mom? WOMAN: It's time for dinner! [THROUGH GRITTED TEETH.]
I'm talking to my friends.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I gotta get my grub on.
I'll come by later.
Bring the new Dave, live in Austin.
Sick.
He's a funny little man.
[LAUGHING.]
Rallo, this is Cleveland and Cleveland Jr.
They're gonna be our guests for a couple nights.
Oh, okay.
We're having fat people stay at our house now and nobody runs it by me? Watch your mouth, Rallo.
Roberta! - Where's your sister? - She left.
- And left you alone? - Evidently.
Hey, I ain't gotta go to school no more.
Rallo got kicked out.
He pulled down the teacher's pants.
I misread a signal.
It happens.
Honey, go show Cleveland Jr.
Upstairs to the guest room.
We ain't got no freight elevator.
Ha-ha-ha.
Nah, you're all right with me, chubs.
Come on.
That one gets kicked out of school.
His sister, who's supposed to be watching him is probably running around with her no-good boyfriend, Federline Jones.
Hard to believe a daughter of yours would be attracted to a boy no good for her.
Twenty-five years later and you still giving me guff about Robert? You need to get laid, fool.
Oh, Mom.
Thank God you're home.
Rallo probably already told you I was going to the library to get him books but on the way, I was mugged by six al Qaedas.
And I said, "Oh, no, you don't, al Qaedas.
" And I fought them off one by one.
I fought off six al Qaedas.
Oh, please, Roberta.
That's less convincing than the time I had to use the bathroom at R.
Kelly's house.
Uh Flush? So Coach Torre's office said they'd reimburse me for the mileage on the way out there.
And with gas prices these days, write your own punch line.
[LAUGHS.]
Gas costs a lot.
Ha-ha-ha.
He gets what I'm talking about.
I gotta go get ready for Federline.
- It's a school night.
ROBERTA: We're studying, Mom.
- Studying a wiener.
- Rallo.
Ugh, I swear my kids need some fathering.
Tell you what.
I'll get them on the right track before I leave for California.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
Be back by 10.
I'll be back whenever I want.
Roberta, can I talk to you for a moment? No.
You get on my nerves.
Like when white people make a TV show they think black people will watch.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV.]
: We now return to Dat's What I Was Tellin' You Before! What are you kids doing? The church costume party is tomorrow.
That's what I was telling you before! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV.]
- I was like, come on - Are you Federline Jones? I don't need my windows washed, old man.
Get them my demo.
You know what I'm saying? Unh! I wasn't offering to wash your windows.
- Do you see a spray bottle? - No.
Do you see a squeegee or a chamois cloth? - Or even a piece of balled-up newspaper? - No.
How would I wash your windows without those things? It would be impossible to wash your windows without those things.
- Okay.
Now, if you wanted me to check your spark plugs maybe I could do that.
Because all I would need is for you to pop the hood.
But that's not why I came out here.
Now, there's a lady inside who you're gonna bring home at 10:00.
Not 10:01, not 9:59, because that might be too soon.
Because I'm hoping to get in a bit of petting myself tonight.
I don't know why I'm telling you this but it's true.
I want it because it feels good.
Damn, I've put a lot of time into this one and I'm not gonna let you mess it all up by coming home at 9:59.
- So, what time you gonna bring her home? - Ten o'clock.
Great.
Have fun, kids.
Don't drink too many sodas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah! A bear! Aah! A black man! Aah! You see, it don't feel so good, does it? It's very reductive.
Well, when it Anyway, don't worry about it.
You must be Cleveland.
- Who? Who are you? - I'm Donna's neighbor, Tim.
My wife and our son, Raymond, live here in this house right here.
Aren't you supposed to live in the woods? Ahh, yeah, I suppose.
It's not the best place, uh, to make a buck in today's, uh Well, you know, the rat race, heh, and all, right? Tim, for heaven's sake.
How long does it take to take out the trash? Stop playing with that man.
Either eat him or come inside.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, uh, do me a favor.
Don't tell the missus about this.
She'd have my head over the mantel if she found out.
Ah.
Man, that's the antidote right there, let me tell you.
Okay, well, may the peace of, uh, Jesus Christ be with you.
All right, then.
Ahh, I don't trust that Federline Jones.
And I don't trust Roberta either.
But I don't know what to do.
Have you considered genital mutilation? - What? - Ha-ha-ha.
I'm just kidding.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You so stupid.
[CHUCKLES THEN SIGHS.]
Cleveland, do you remember that song you used to sing to me? - Sing it to me again.
- No.
- Come on.
- I don't remember it.
BOTH [SINGING.]
: Oh, Donna, you're so fine You're so fine you blow my mind CLEVELAND: Hey, Donna, hey, Donna - Hey, Cleveland, hey, Cleveland Oh, Donna, what a pity You don't understand You take me by the heart When you take me by the hand [BOTH LAUGHING.]
CLEVELAND: Oh.
Mm.
Do you know what time it is? It's 10:00? Damn.
I should have told him 10:04.
Federline insisted I be home on time.
And tomorrow, I'm getting Rallo back in school.
You got a man in the house now.
Mm.
Been a long time.
RALLO [UPSTAIRS.]
: She's lying.
Thank you for giving Rallo another chance, Mrs.
Lowenstein.
- May I call you Hadassah? - Okay.
Now remember, I'm not trying to stop you from being who you are.
You just gotta be cool about it.
So, what are you gonna do when you go under the table to look up someone's skirt? Create another reason for why I would be going under the table.
That's right.
Now go do your thing.
Hey, ladies.
Oops.
I dropped my pencil.
I wonder where that pencil has gone.
It is a most elusive pencil.
One wonders if I ever will find it.
Attaboy.
Speaking of pencils, I got a golf pencil in my pants right now.
Ha-ha-ha Oh.
I can't believe you did it, Cleveland.
Thank you so much.
You know what you proved to me? That these kids need a man in their lives.
And that I need a man in my life.
Who do you have in mind? - Who do you think, dough boy? - Robert? I owe it to the children to see if we can make it work.
You showed me that.
[BURPS.]
Come on, baby.
Let's go down to Woolworth's.
I'll buy you a grilled cheese and a parakeet.
[LAUGHS.]
- We're not getting a parakeet.
- I'd get you one if you wanted it.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Robert.
Thanks, Cleveland.
[ROBERT & DONNA CHUCKLING.]
Oh, it can't get any worse than this.
JUNIOR [UPSTAIRS.]
: Daddy, can you come wipe me? [GRO ANS.]
[TWEETING.]
What should we name our new bird? - Is it a boy or a girl? - It's a girl.
Joan.
Her name is Joan.
Dad, do you think Uncle Robert would get us a bird as well? Hmm.
No time for that, Cleveland Jr.
We're leaving first thing in the morning.
What? Then I'll cancel dinner with Robert.
I shouldn't be gone your last night.
No.
I'll just do my thing and you can do your thing.
Which probably involves Robert's thing and your thing.
Oh, which way's the bar, Thing? So you're leaving soon for California, eh? I hope you packed your liberal shoes.
What with their electric cars and the Regal Beagle and all, you know? Yeah.
Heading out tomorrow.
It's not like there's anything to keep me here in Stoolbend.
Certainly not Donna.
Oh, I know how to read a person.
I can tell you're sweet on Donna, aren't you? - No.
- You are.
You'd give up baseball for a woman who's already busted out two children out of her 'tween-leg area? - No.
And even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
Her ex is back in the picture.
- Oh, not Robert.
He's a terrible listener.
- He busted my Game Boy.
Robert stole my lighter.
My good BIC.
Well, he's taking her to dinner tonight.
Ah.
Anyway, nice knowing you guys.
I got some packing to do.
Well, we can't just let him go.
Cleveland, wait.
- Yes? - You owe us like 8.
50 for your drinks, man.
Eight-fifty? For two peach schnappses? [CLEVELAND GRO ANS.]
Cleveland seemed really sad.
Yeah.
I thought they just got more pissed off.
Wait.
You said you weren't leaving till tomorrow.
I thought we'd get a head start so we could do a little sightseeing.
Maybe check out Dolly Parton's birthplace.
[CRYING.]
Ha, ha.
I guess she could nurse herself, huh? Stop it, Bob.
This is a real problem.
So this is goodbye, then.
You're a very lucky boy to have this father.
I can't think of a finer man than Cleveland Brown.
Goodbye, Donna.
RALLO [UPSTAIRS.]
: Oh, I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.
- Are we gonna have a pool in California? - We'll try.
We'll see what amenities they have for us when we get there.
In our kitchen, will our freezer be on top of the fridge? Or will they be side by side? Or will it be one that has a freezer on the bottom? I don't know! I thought pursuing your dreams was supposed to make you happy not a big douche.
I'm sorry, Cleveland Jr.
Dad, didn't you tell me that sometimes you gotta take chances in life to find true happiness? - I did.
Well, then what are we doing driving to California? Miss Donna's back in Stoolbend.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[ALL QUACKING.]
CLEVELAND: Oh, look at the little one.
Ha, ha.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Oh, baby, it feels so right to be back in this house with you the cable TV.
- Excuse me? - Donna, I got something to say.
- Cleveland? You're too good for this man.
Who are you coming in here, talking all kinds of trash? Who am I? I'm someone who wants more than just a booty call.
I'm someone who would treat this lady right and be a good father to her children.
Her children? My children.
Do you even know what grades they're in? The girl must be done with high school, right? And Rerun's in what, uh, sixth grade? Donna, I don't wanna go to California anymore.
But what about your dream? You're my dream.
You always have been.
[THE BEE GEES' "HOW DEEP IS YOUR LO VE" PLAYING.]
I know your eyes in the morning sun I feel you touch me in the pouring rain And the moment That you wander far from me I wanna feel you in my arms again And you come to me on a summer breeze Keep me warm in your love Then you softly leave And it's me you need to show How deep is your love? I love you, Donna Tubbs.
I have been waiting 25 years to hear you say that, Cleveland Brown.
- I love you too.
- Mm.
Hear that, chump? This nice fat ass is mine.
You ain't seen the last of me.
Joan.
Say, bird, let's rip this joint.
These is just a couple of jive-ass turkeys anyhow.
That's what I was telling you before! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I present Mr.
And Mrs.
Cleveland Brown.
[GUESTS APPLAUDING AND CHEERING.]
Y'all okay with having a black guy as our fourth friend? - I mean, ahem, you know.
- We got a black president.
It's about time we had a black friend.
Hey, we can talk to him about the president.
Well, I may not be a baseball scout but I think I just hit a home run.
Me too.
You know, I guess I could get used to having a dad again.
And I could get used to having a brother and sister.
Well, if we ain't the black Brady Bunch.
Except I'm not a gay architect and my wife's not sleeping with my son.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Not yet.
[ALL LAUGH.]
[ALL LAUGH.]
- Hey, what's your problem, Cleveland? - I've just had a terrible day.
[PETER SIGHS.]
Okay, what happened? My divorce was finalized and I lost the house to Loretta.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, my God.
I've never seen a black guy cry before.
I thought you guys just got more pissed off.
- Cleveland, where are you gonna live? - I don't know.
Quagmire, could I stay on your gross couch? I need that for humping strangers.
How about you, Joe? Can I stay at your house? - No.
- I understand.
Plus, it's not just me.
I also got custody of Cleveland Jr.
- What is he, 14 years old now? - Yep.
Man, he aged faster than Kathleen Turner.
Good news, Kathleen.
You've been offered the leading role in a new feature.
- What part? - What else? The Babe.
COMMENTATOR: Wow.
The Babe seems to be calling his shot.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Aw, great.
Now we're losing.
Dad, when am I gonna get hair around my grits? Oh, you'll get there, Cleveland Jr.
But right now, we got bigger problems than that.
Your mama wants this house by tomorrow at sundown.
- Where are we gonna go? - Exactly.
- Exactly who? - This ain't no knock-knock joke.
We gotta figure out what we're gonna do.
- Light it, Brian.
- I don't wanna do this.
Do it, Brian.
It's the only way I'm gonna catch that bird.
BIRD: Meep meep.
- Here he comes.
Light it.
No, no, no! Doggone it.
That's it.
No more.
I'm tired of being kicked around by this world.
BRIAN: I'm sorry, Cleveland.
- It's all right.
BRIAN: I tried to stop him.
- I don't blame you, Brian.
You're a dog.
A dog.
Hello, everyone.
Thank you all for coming.
Ha.
Anyway, I have an announcement to make.
Cleveland Jr.
And I are moving to California so I can pursue my lifelong dream of being a minor-league scout for a professional baseball organization.
Who's gonna run that deli you never go to? When you sell Boar's Head, it pretty much runs itself.
So I put in a call to my old batting instructor, Mr.
Joe Torre.
So Joe Torre, who coached the Yankees to four world championships was your batting instructor and this is the first we hear of it? See? This is exactly why I'm leaving.
Nobody ever asks anything about what Cleveland's got going on.
But if Peter wants to put together a new A-Team or overthrow a British pub or recreate all the whole damn Star Wars movies I'm expected to jump onboard, no questions asked.
Well, then I guess we're gonna have to find a new Ringo.
Well, gosh, Cleveland, we're gonna miss you.
Is there anything you need before you go? Um, you think you and Bonnie could kiss each other just once? - Why, l I don't know.
- Ha, ha.
- Ahh, I don't know.
- I suppose, ha, ha.
We might need some champagne.
[BONNIE & LOIS MO ANING.]
LOIS: Wow, Bonnie.
[LAUGHS.]
Dang.
That's the first time I ever asked for anything I really wanted.
QUAGMIRE: Touch touch boobs.
Well, this is it.
I didn't think it was gonna be so hard.
Goodbye, kids.
- Goodbye, Mr.
Cleveland.
- Bye.
Bye, chocolate people.
Quagmire, Joe, don't y'all go drinking any beers without me.
Ha, ha.
I know you will.
- Take care of yourself.
- Bye, chocolate people.
- Goodbye, Peter.
- Don't say goodbye.
The French say "au revoir.
" QUAGMIRE: Touch touch boobs.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
What the hell? He's getting his own show? [SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy moustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Dad, are you sure moving to California is the right decision for us? Well, it's pretty hard to steal second if your foot's still on first.
That sounds folksy.
What does it mean? It means you gotta take chances in life to find true happiness.
- That sounds gay.
- Gays are smart.
Just look at how many lines Gene Hackman has been able to memorize over the years.
Hey, look where we are.
Wait a minute.
What are we doing in Virginia? I have a surprise for you, Cleveland Jr.
We're gonna stop off for a day or two in my old hometown.
Okay.
But we're out of sandwich cookies.
Nutter Butters and Oreos gone? Damn.
There used to be so much hot fur walking around here.
Nowadays, the way the ladies are all grooming themselves I don't know what you'd call it.
I guess you'd say, there's so much hot area of skin walking around here.
I'm glad I grew up when I did.
Where's all your baseball trophies? Hmm.
Looks like they moved the trophy case.
Beg pardon.
Could you tell me where the trophy case? - Cleveland? - Donna? JT TAYLOR [SINGING ON SPEAKER.]
: I remember how we made Thanks for driving me to the dance, Cleveland.
Robert would have brought me but he wanted to get drunk with his friends first.
It's all right.
I enjoy your company.
I don't know why you're with that guy.
He don't treat you right.
- Oh, he's not so bad.
- Well, I think he is.
And I just want you to know that I think you're great.
You're wonderful, Donna.
- I love - There you are, baby.
Thanks for keeping her warm for me, dough boy.
Donna, come on over here and show my buddies your nice fat ass.
MAN 1: Ooh.
MAN 2: Yeah.
MAN 3: Dang.
MAN 2: That's a nice fat ass.
So you're working here at the old school? Yeah.
I work for the principal.
- How long you in town for? - Couple of days.
On our way to California.
Well, if you need a place to stay, we have a spare room at our house.
- But what would Robert think? - Aw, Cleveland there is no Robert anymore.
We're divorced.
I guess there is still some hot fur around here.
I guess there is.
[CHUCKLES.]
I guess there is.
Back in high school, I would have killed to spend the night at Donna Tubbs' house.
Wait a minute, Dad.
Is she the one you used to look at naked through her window from the ladder when you used to? [COUGHING.]
I don't even know why I told you about that.
[IN HIGH VOICE.]
"Oh, I can keep a secret, Daddy.
" [GUNSHOT.]
- You all right, Donna? - Yes, Lester.
Why? There's a couple of black guys following you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
You're also black.
Ha, ha.
Have a good day, then.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Well, I guess I'm back in the South.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Eighty-nine.
Forty-three on the back.
And the greens were fast.
I know.
I read your Twitter.
Holt, this is my friend, Cleveland.
What's up, dawg? [MIMICS EXPLOSION.]
- You got blowed up, brah.
WOMAN: Holt! - What, Mom? WOMAN: It's time for dinner! [THROUGH GRITTED TEETH.]
I'm talking to my friends.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I gotta get my grub on.
I'll come by later.
Bring the new Dave, live in Austin.
Sick.
He's a funny little man.
[LAUGHING.]
Rallo, this is Cleveland and Cleveland Jr.
They're gonna be our guests for a couple nights.
Oh, okay.
We're having fat people stay at our house now and nobody runs it by me? Watch your mouth, Rallo.
Roberta! - Where's your sister? - She left.
- And left you alone? - Evidently.
Hey, I ain't gotta go to school no more.
Rallo got kicked out.
He pulled down the teacher's pants.
I misread a signal.
It happens.
Honey, go show Cleveland Jr.
Upstairs to the guest room.
We ain't got no freight elevator.
Ha-ha-ha.
Nah, you're all right with me, chubs.
Come on.
That one gets kicked out of school.
His sister, who's supposed to be watching him is probably running around with her no-good boyfriend, Federline Jones.
Hard to believe a daughter of yours would be attracted to a boy no good for her.
Twenty-five years later and you still giving me guff about Robert? You need to get laid, fool.
Oh, Mom.
Thank God you're home.
Rallo probably already told you I was going to the library to get him books but on the way, I was mugged by six al Qaedas.
And I said, "Oh, no, you don't, al Qaedas.
" And I fought them off one by one.
I fought off six al Qaedas.
Oh, please, Roberta.
That's less convincing than the time I had to use the bathroom at R.
Kelly's house.
Uh Flush? So Coach Torre's office said they'd reimburse me for the mileage on the way out there.
And with gas prices these days, write your own punch line.
[LAUGHS.]
Gas costs a lot.
Ha-ha-ha.
He gets what I'm talking about.
I gotta go get ready for Federline.
- It's a school night.
ROBERTA: We're studying, Mom.
- Studying a wiener.
- Rallo.
Ugh, I swear my kids need some fathering.
Tell you what.
I'll get them on the right track before I leave for California.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
Be back by 10.
I'll be back whenever I want.
Roberta, can I talk to you for a moment? No.
You get on my nerves.
Like when white people make a TV show they think black people will watch.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV.]
: We now return to Dat's What I Was Tellin' You Before! What are you kids doing? The church costume party is tomorrow.
That's what I was telling you before! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV.]
- I was like, come on - Are you Federline Jones? I don't need my windows washed, old man.
Get them my demo.
You know what I'm saying? Unh! I wasn't offering to wash your windows.
- Do you see a spray bottle? - No.
Do you see a squeegee or a chamois cloth? - Or even a piece of balled-up newspaper? - No.
How would I wash your windows without those things? It would be impossible to wash your windows without those things.
- Okay.
Now, if you wanted me to check your spark plugs maybe I could do that.
Because all I would need is for you to pop the hood.
But that's not why I came out here.
Now, there's a lady inside who you're gonna bring home at 10:00.
Not 10:01, not 9:59, because that might be too soon.
Because I'm hoping to get in a bit of petting myself tonight.
I don't know why I'm telling you this but it's true.
I want it because it feels good.
Damn, I've put a lot of time into this one and I'm not gonna let you mess it all up by coming home at 9:59.
- So, what time you gonna bring her home? - Ten o'clock.
Great.
Have fun, kids.
Don't drink too many sodas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah! A bear! Aah! A black man! Aah! You see, it don't feel so good, does it? It's very reductive.
Well, when it Anyway, don't worry about it.
You must be Cleveland.
- Who? Who are you? - I'm Donna's neighbor, Tim.
My wife and our son, Raymond, live here in this house right here.
Aren't you supposed to live in the woods? Ahh, yeah, I suppose.
It's not the best place, uh, to make a buck in today's, uh Well, you know, the rat race, heh, and all, right? Tim, for heaven's sake.
How long does it take to take out the trash? Stop playing with that man.
Either eat him or come inside.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, uh, do me a favor.
Don't tell the missus about this.
She'd have my head over the mantel if she found out.
Ah.
Man, that's the antidote right there, let me tell you.
Okay, well, may the peace of, uh, Jesus Christ be with you.
All right, then.
Ahh, I don't trust that Federline Jones.
And I don't trust Roberta either.
But I don't know what to do.
Have you considered genital mutilation? - What? - Ha-ha-ha.
I'm just kidding.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You so stupid.
[CHUCKLES THEN SIGHS.]
Cleveland, do you remember that song you used to sing to me? - Sing it to me again.
- No.
- Come on.
- I don't remember it.
BOTH [SINGING.]
: Oh, Donna, you're so fine You're so fine you blow my mind CLEVELAND: Hey, Donna, hey, Donna - Hey, Cleveland, hey, Cleveland Oh, Donna, what a pity You don't understand You take me by the heart When you take me by the hand [BOTH LAUGHING.]
CLEVELAND: Oh.
Mm.
Do you know what time it is? It's 10:00? Damn.
I should have told him 10:04.
Federline insisted I be home on time.
And tomorrow, I'm getting Rallo back in school.
You got a man in the house now.
Mm.
Been a long time.
RALLO [UPSTAIRS.]
: She's lying.
Thank you for giving Rallo another chance, Mrs.
Lowenstein.
- May I call you Hadassah? - Okay.
Now remember, I'm not trying to stop you from being who you are.
You just gotta be cool about it.
So, what are you gonna do when you go under the table to look up someone's skirt? Create another reason for why I would be going under the table.
That's right.
Now go do your thing.
Hey, ladies.
Oops.
I dropped my pencil.
I wonder where that pencil has gone.
It is a most elusive pencil.
One wonders if I ever will find it.
Attaboy.
Speaking of pencils, I got a golf pencil in my pants right now.
Ha-ha-ha Oh.
I can't believe you did it, Cleveland.
Thank you so much.
You know what you proved to me? That these kids need a man in their lives.
And that I need a man in my life.
Who do you have in mind? - Who do you think, dough boy? - Robert? I owe it to the children to see if we can make it work.
You showed me that.
[BURPS.]
Come on, baby.
Let's go down to Woolworth's.
I'll buy you a grilled cheese and a parakeet.
[LAUGHS.]
- We're not getting a parakeet.
- I'd get you one if you wanted it.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Robert.
Thanks, Cleveland.
[ROBERT & DONNA CHUCKLING.]
Oh, it can't get any worse than this.
JUNIOR [UPSTAIRS.]
: Daddy, can you come wipe me? [GRO ANS.]
[TWEETING.]
What should we name our new bird? - Is it a boy or a girl? - It's a girl.
Joan.
Her name is Joan.
Dad, do you think Uncle Robert would get us a bird as well? Hmm.
No time for that, Cleveland Jr.
We're leaving first thing in the morning.
What? Then I'll cancel dinner with Robert.
I shouldn't be gone your last night.
No.
I'll just do my thing and you can do your thing.
Which probably involves Robert's thing and your thing.
Oh, which way's the bar, Thing? So you're leaving soon for California, eh? I hope you packed your liberal shoes.
What with their electric cars and the Regal Beagle and all, you know? Yeah.
Heading out tomorrow.
It's not like there's anything to keep me here in Stoolbend.
Certainly not Donna.
Oh, I know how to read a person.
I can tell you're sweet on Donna, aren't you? - No.
- You are.
You'd give up baseball for a woman who's already busted out two children out of her 'tween-leg area? - No.
And even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
Her ex is back in the picture.
- Oh, not Robert.
He's a terrible listener.
- He busted my Game Boy.
Robert stole my lighter.
My good BIC.
Well, he's taking her to dinner tonight.
Ah.
Anyway, nice knowing you guys.
I got some packing to do.
Well, we can't just let him go.
Cleveland, wait.
- Yes? - You owe us like 8.
50 for your drinks, man.
Eight-fifty? For two peach schnappses? [CLEVELAND GRO ANS.]
Cleveland seemed really sad.
Yeah.
I thought they just got more pissed off.
Wait.
You said you weren't leaving till tomorrow.
I thought we'd get a head start so we could do a little sightseeing.
Maybe check out Dolly Parton's birthplace.
[CRYING.]
Ha, ha.
I guess she could nurse herself, huh? Stop it, Bob.
This is a real problem.
So this is goodbye, then.
You're a very lucky boy to have this father.
I can't think of a finer man than Cleveland Brown.
Goodbye, Donna.
RALLO [UPSTAIRS.]
: Oh, I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.
- Are we gonna have a pool in California? - We'll try.
We'll see what amenities they have for us when we get there.
In our kitchen, will our freezer be on top of the fridge? Or will they be side by side? Or will it be one that has a freezer on the bottom? I don't know! I thought pursuing your dreams was supposed to make you happy not a big douche.
I'm sorry, Cleveland Jr.
Dad, didn't you tell me that sometimes you gotta take chances in life to find true happiness? - I did.
Well, then what are we doing driving to California? Miss Donna's back in Stoolbend.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[ALL QUACKING.]
CLEVELAND: Oh, look at the little one.
Ha, ha.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Oh, baby, it feels so right to be back in this house with you the cable TV.
- Excuse me? - Donna, I got something to say.
- Cleveland? You're too good for this man.
Who are you coming in here, talking all kinds of trash? Who am I? I'm someone who wants more than just a booty call.
I'm someone who would treat this lady right and be a good father to her children.
Her children? My children.
Do you even know what grades they're in? The girl must be done with high school, right? And Rerun's in what, uh, sixth grade? Donna, I don't wanna go to California anymore.
But what about your dream? You're my dream.
You always have been.
[THE BEE GEES' "HOW DEEP IS YOUR LO VE" PLAYING.]
I know your eyes in the morning sun I feel you touch me in the pouring rain And the moment That you wander far from me I wanna feel you in my arms again And you come to me on a summer breeze Keep me warm in your love Then you softly leave And it's me you need to show How deep is your love? I love you, Donna Tubbs.
I have been waiting 25 years to hear you say that, Cleveland Brown.
- I love you too.
- Mm.
Hear that, chump? This nice fat ass is mine.
You ain't seen the last of me.
Joan.
Say, bird, let's rip this joint.
These is just a couple of jive-ass turkeys anyhow.
That's what I was telling you before! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I present Mr.
And Mrs.
Cleveland Brown.
[GUESTS APPLAUDING AND CHEERING.]
Y'all okay with having a black guy as our fourth friend? - I mean, ahem, you know.
- We got a black president.
It's about time we had a black friend.
Hey, we can talk to him about the president.
Well, I may not be a baseball scout but I think I just hit a home run.
Me too.
You know, I guess I could get used to having a dad again.
And I could get used to having a brother and sister.
Well, if we ain't the black Brady Bunch.
Except I'm not a gay architect and my wife's not sleeping with my son.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Not yet.
[ALL LAUGH.]