The Climb (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 [SIGHS.]
[MOANS.]
[POPPING SOUND.]
[WHIMPERING.]
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[CHOKING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Dog, I had the craziest fucking dream.
- Are you listening? - Yes.
Okay, you gotta listen 'cause this shit was bugging me.
So I was at the top of this mountain, and I was waving, and I was grunting.
Why were you grunting, you nasty bitch? Dog, I'm trying to tell you.
Damn.
I'm grunting because my tummy is hurting, like I'm having the worst period of my life, while being forced fed Taco Bell.
Oh fuck.
And so the pain, it takes me to my knees.
- Damn.
- And before I know it, my pussy just split open and I'm on the ground giving birth.
Wait, what? Gross! - I know! - But listen.
So, I'm pushing and pushing, and finally the baby comes out, and it's me.
Wait, what do you mean like - you was a baby? - No.
Like me now.
Like I birthed myself fully-fucking-grown, and I was all bloody, and, and naked.
And I was wearing a full length fur coat, like Aretha Franklin.
I'm repulsed, and intrigued.
Mm-hmm.
Same.
[BOTH.]
Repultrigued.
Dog, don't forget that word.
People are always posting "Repultrigueing" shit, all over High-Wire.
- Oh my God.
- Vegan cheese, Donald Trump.
[BOTH.]
CrossFit! I'm telling you, we are living in the age of repultrigue.
That's good.
- You should brain fart that.
- Mm.
But like, what do you think your dream means though? I think it means it's like my time or something.
Jack-pot! I hit that number, motherfucker! That's from three weeks ago.
Can't she at least have like a fucked up toe? I bet her toes were plenty fucked up when she worked at that strip club.
Every morning I look at myself in the mirror and I say, "Copper, slay.
" - Work.
- Flex.
- Stunt.
- One second.
[GAGGING.]
Arab fascist! You know I hit the number! - Come on, man.
- Please.
Get out of the way.
Fuck all y'all.
Nobody getting past me until I get my winnings.
Come on, man, get out of my store! Chaldean Paul is out the fishbowl.
- Get out! - Hey.
- You need to get out of my store.
Hey, hey.
Chaldean Paul.
Hey, chill.
Uh-uh.
Hey, Frankie the Wino, you wanna play another number on me? - Yeah.
- You play Daily Digit, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, come on, let him play one on me.
I know you.
Always with that white girl with all that ass.
Duh, sir.
We see you every day.
We went to school with your daughter Sheena, you remember? How is she? We don't fucking know.
I seen her on High-Wire.
Her baby just started walking, and she tries a new recipe every Sunday night.
So, she seems good.
Sheena's a bitch, sir.
She got that honest.
Her mama some kind of Medusa.
When I get this number, you get half, sweetheart.
[CHALDEAN PAUL.]
Budweiser get the other half.
Here's your ticket, get out of here! [RADIO.]
Good morning, Detroit! Getting you through that nine to five.
Can I get your customer I.
D.
number, please? Can I have you customer I.
D.
sir? Can I bother you for your number? We require your customer identification number, ma'am.
Oh no, no sir.
I do not need your number.
Um, you know what? I am not sure about that, let me transfer you.
Okay.
All right, have a blessed day.
Uh-huh okay, bye-bye, hold please.
Why yes, I would love to do that for you, sir.
Can I please have your customer I.
D.
number? Can you hold on one sec? Are you lost? Naw, I don't think so.
Then what the fuck are you looking at? [COMPUTER.]
Welcome to High-Wire.
Hey guys, I'm Copper.
It's Copper, bitches.
I did this shoot in Ibiza.
And this is how bad bitches slay fashion week in their own fashions.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
My tea bag is woke! My tea bag is My tea bag is my pastor.
Come on, people, give me some likes.
- Nia.
- Yes! I need to speak with you in my office.
Yes! Aye, aye captain! - [HIP HOP TUNE.]
- Out of the box Fish out of water Leveling up now crossing these borders! Like Don Quixote Seeking adventure Not like no princess I'm the avenger! I'm super marvelous I've received an anonymous complaint about you.
From who? From anonymous.
Like the hackers? Not the hackers.
From an anonymous source.
Trapper, come on.
I read you your horoscope everyday.
I picked out your wife's birthday gift.
I'm the homie.
Yes, you're the homie, Nia.
The home-skillet and the home-fries.
Thank you very much.
But the source complained that you are an ineffective member of the team.
Unfocused, unhelpful, and they suggested that you don't even know what kind of company Holdon Corp is.
Trapper, that's ridiculous, I've been here almost a year.
- I thought so too.
- Right.
- At first.
- Mm-hmm.
And then I thought about it some more.
I feel silly asking, Nia.
But what do we do here? Wow.
I am so hurt and offended by your question that I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Nia.
Nia! He's gonna fire me! No he's not.
Just go in on Monday, apologize.
Ugh! Answer his questions.
And Nia, I don't know why you won't just let me tell you what Holdon Corp does so you can start applying yourself.
Mm-mm, I don't want to apply myself, I want to remain willfully ignorant as an act of defiance.
Cool, cool, cool.
He's gonna fire you then.
I have 98 dollars and 62 cents in my savings account.
I can't afford to lose my job.
I won't let you.
But look, this is real life.
One of these days we're gonna have to suck it up, buy pant suits, and get serious about it.
No, that is like really fucking depressing.
You realize that work is not supposed to be fun.
Right, baby? You get one happy hour per week day.
Everybody knows that, that's legit why they make the wings half off.
I mean actual living happens on the weekends! [SUBWAY ANNOUNCER.]
Next stop, Greentown.
[SING-SONGY.]
Yo, the golden hour is upon us! [RHYTHMIC HOLLERING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Yeah That's right Come on come on [MISTY.]
That's 'cause you get all your news from High-Wire.
When I was six years old, and people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
You know what I used to say? - A lion.
- A fucking lion.
I know, baby girl.
And I used to say I wanted to be emotionally supported.
- Mmm.
- And that's why we're friends, 'cause we think outside the box.
Hmm, okay.
But then how did we end up right back in the fuckin' box with everybody else? I'm not in the box.
Dog, a cubical is a box.
And boxes are not reflective of our bad ass bitchness.
Why does every woman on Earth have to be a bad ass bitch though? I don't fuckin' know, ask Beyoncé.
But I am well aware that we have to slay, okay? While these motherfuckers get to be traffic cones.
Sir.
- Looking mighty fine.
- Thank you.
Okay I'm gonna need you to get it up for happy hour, now.
- Okay? - Okay.
[SING-SONGY.]
Here's to the freakin' weekend! [BOTH.]
Yeah! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Sorry baby I'm running late But I promise I'm on my way Okay, do you remember Malibu Barbie's three story dream house? Oh I never got one! And my mom blew the guy at Toys 'R' Us - and everything but - Oh! apparently she wasn't very good at head because it was not in the cards for me.
Damn! Okay well I had the Malibu one with the elevator and the pink Corvette.
- So jelly.
- Mmm! And in all that time I spent playing with that black Barbie, and you know my mama, she had to be black.
So I could [BOTH.]
Identify.
Exactly, well I guess I thought that was sort of like a preview.
Okay so in all that time that you were playing black Barbie in her Malibu dream home.
- Uh-huh.
- Did you ever once stop to ask yourself what her black ass did for a living? She was dope for a living.
Oh here comes King.
What up, though? Ladies, what up though? - Rev.
- False Prophet.
Oh, nothing you can do when a nickname sticks.
- Hey Rev.
- See.
You got something for me over at the community center? I'm about to lose my job.
No, she's not.
Mama's gonna allow her to pout until Monday morning.
And then I will give her the information that she needs to stay gainfully employed.
- So we're fine.
- Okay gainfully might be a bit much.
Okay I know what y'all need.
Another round, please for the soon-to-be possibly unemployed.
I mean I definitely have a job so thank you.
Two.
[CHEERING.]
Hey Rev, you ballroom? Ballroom hustle class every Wednesday night at the center.
Who you think started that? - You did.
- Of course I did.
Y'all so damn corny! I got to go.
The freakin' weekend to be continued.
False Prophet, why don't you get her out on the dance floor? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No we got twenty minutes of happy left.
What you gonna do for the rest of the night? Sleep.
Have fun! Well.
Okay, it goes like this right? Yeah No I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
- How do you do it? - Like this.
[FAINT MUSIC.]
How come you won't let me take you out? 'Cause I'm not interested in where that leads.
It leads to joy.
Who's anti-joy? Anybody here anti-joy? Stop! I'm anti-love, marriage and a baby carriage.
And you're too charming, there's got to be something wrong with you.
I'm a prince charming type.
And I come from a long line of romantic warriors.
Nigga, I come from a long line of type two diabetes.
So what? So I'd lay off the red pop.
And I'd enjoy dancing on these two feet while you still can.
All right, look.
No love, no marriage, and a baby carriage.
Okay, all right.
But ain't that why women come to happy hour? Oh you don't know shit about women.
All right, so wait, well then teach me.
What do you want? I want you to stop talking.
It was just starting to feel like Friday.
[JAHEIM: "Just in case".]
Haven't I made you feel so special? As your man I've held your hand Never letting go Let you hold the keys to the Lex Huh to drive Gave you all you need and more As long as I'm alive [MOANING.]
You're so sexy.
So sexy.
Shut the fuck up.
How's my dick.
com feel? Huh? I don't get it.
- It's dirty talk.
- Oh my God.
Randy the Mailman, shut the fuck up! [SEDUCTIVE MUSIC.]
He was a king to me So this is you? Yeah it's my dad's.
Damn, that's a nice crib.
Okay, thank you.
- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
I'm about to be late for my dad's birthday thing.
Oh.
Okay.
Tell your dad happy birthday.
Hey Rev.
You really want to know what I want? Yeah, I do.
I want to be fulfilled.
You want to be fulfilled? [LAUGHS.]
Oh shit you serious? Yes, asshole.
Okay.
Okay so you got white girl problems? What? No.
Yeah, yeah I think you do.
I think you need to just like tuck your hair behind your ear as you say that.
Goodnight.
You know what? Isn't that why Martin Luther King died anyways, so that I could one day have white girl problems? What? No! Doctor King didn't die so that you could bitch and moan like Taylor Swift at a sleep over.
You know what? Fuck you.
- Wow.
- I'm trying to tell you that I want to be fulfilled.
And that dick has never really been that fulfilling.
So I guess I see you.
Okay well now wait now.
Now my dick, that's really fulfilling.
- Goodnight.
- Oh it was just a joke.
Nia, it was just a joke.
Nia.
All right, it's not that fulfilling.
It's like a-It's like an in-between meal, like a smoothie.
Fulfilling, not filling dumb ass.
Goodnight.
Happy birthday to you Oh my goodness, I'm glad you could join us.
- Okay, well.
- Me too, baby.
Happy birthday, daddy.
- [BABE.]
Yes.
- I love you so much.
Aw thank you, thank you.
Thank you baby, come here.
Ma, I want to get leggings like this from Copper Lewinski's new line.
Oh now honey when did leggings become pants? Oh a long time now, baby, a long time! Even big girls are wearing them and I'm talking big.
I saw this big ol' girl, she waitin' at the bus stop.
Now this woman knows she ain't had no business even lookin' at a leggin'.
She should've got two pairs of leggings! [BABE.]
Copper Lewinski is a menace.
Honey, put that phone down.
But Misty has those leggings and every time she wears them we get free drinks all night long.
So hash tag, all fuckin' thighs matter.
You know what I'm saying? Don't swear at the table.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
'Cause the lady bugs have delicate ears.
- Daddy, you're retarded.
- Whoa! That word is out of bounds, okay.
Say he's um, touched.
Your father is touched.
Gossett honey, you touched.
- [GOSSETT.]
Baby! - Mm! You know, Copper Lewinsky is a business woman, though.
I think people forget that.
Oh please, honey.
I don't think that Sheryl Sandberg meant lean in until you're bent all the way over.
We don't know about Sheryl Sandberg.
Maybe Sheryl Sandberg- Maybe Sheryl Sandberg likes to get bent over, shit we don't know.
You know the best thing about eating at home? Free refill! So you are a Copper Lewinsky fan.
Mm, well she's intriguing.
Okay well what is there to be intrigued by? I mean she doesn't act or sing, rap, dance, think, nothing.
She does nothing.
But isn't that what's so genius about it? I mean she figured out how to be Barbie.
How to be sexy for a living.
Oh wow Nia I had no idea you were so shallow.
It's an inventive career path.
I'm just saying she's um, she's like an avant-garde internet performer.
Damn that's good, I should brain fart that.
[WHISPERS.]
You should brain fart that.
No actually what you should do is aim higher, Nia.
Copper Lewinsky has no class and there's nothing worse than a woman with no class.
I would agree with that.
Thank you.
I know about class.
My mother had class, she was a class act.
[GOSSETT.]
Woo! Shit! These boys are balling this season! I love you, Mist.
I've loved you since high school.
Aw.
How do you think your wife would feel about that? I'ma tell her.
Look, as soon as she get back from her choir trip.
Oh my God, bullshit! - Hey where you going? - You are such a liar.
- I'm not a liar.
- Yes.
No I'm not.
I'm allergic to lyin'.
It's like you forget, Rand.
I watch my mom screw her way through the east side, southwest Detroit and a little bit of Downriver.
And I learned that there are three types of men in this world.
And you Randy, are a Trent.
Do Trents have big dicks? Uh Trents don't leave their wives.
You know what? Nia would fuckin' beat my ass if she found out about Holy shit.
What? - I can't find my ring.
- Your ring? My birth control ring thing, my pussy ate it or something.
Oh okay, okay.
Uh, here.
Lay back.
Ow! Easy.
My bad, my bad.
Do you feel anything.
Yeah not a ring.
- But I - Okay, so either we fucked it way up and I need to go to urgent care or we fucked it out and it's in the bed.
- You serious? - Yes I'm serious.
Hey get up, get up, get up.
Oh man.
Fuck.
What does it look like? Like a little plastic ring.
Well what-How big is it? I don't know.
God damn it.
You just standing there.
Are you gonna help me? Please! She's gonna kill me.
She's gonna [SOFT MUSIC.]
So I am here with my dad on his birthday, celebrating his birthday and I am wondering if you can tell the people at home just what kind of a guy was Jesus? Because I understand that y'all went to grade school together.
That negro was a handful! Mm-hmm.
Happy birthday! Ah mwah! Things about me and you And I'm ready to turn this page And get over this phase Come on, people it's funny.
Ahh yes! Can't press ignore Why can't I get over you? Don't understand it I can see my way out but I feel so stranded Oh! You're such a dick.
Got to find a way to break this chain Oh excuse me, I'm sorry.
Were you speaking to me? [EXHALES.]
You're such a dumb bitch.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
What the fuck! I know.
That is so weird.
I know! And the whole thing has just been kind of fucking me up.
And I blinked and the whole freakin' weekend was over.
Oh my God, in a flash! Are you ready? Okay.
I am in a flyover state of mind, baby.
Bring on the minutiae.
And like, you're sure you don't want to just google it? No.
I'd rather hear it from my ride or die.
I got you.
Okay.
Okay so So mostly I just make copies, answer the phone, get coffee.
But of course I know what we do here in a larger sense.
And I am prepared to fight for my job and prove that I am an asset to this team.
- I'm listening.
- Okay.
Dopedy, dope, dope, dope.
- Nia.
- Okay, so.
I have to tell you.
- Yes.
- I'm relieved.
I'd already thrown your name in the mix for a promotion so I'd look pretty silly if you don't wow me right now.
Okay, okay.
Well strap yourself in Trapper because here I fucking go, - okay? - Great.
Okay so what we do here is [VOICEOVER.]
One of these days, we're gonna have to suck it up, buy pant suits and get Nia.
Nia.
You're not helping yourself here.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So what we do here is, and I'm pretty sure that this goes for everyone.
Is we pretend that we want to be here all day.
And we try to stifle this nagging fucking feeling that we might be bigger than this.
Nia.
Hold on.
[SHALLOW ROARING.]
[GROWLING.]
A fucking lion.
[SHALLOW ROARING.]
Nia, what the fuck? I quit.
[FLINT EASTWOOD: "QUEEN".]
I'm a queen not a soldier Relentless and chosen I'm fighting a war tonight 'Cause I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here 'Cause I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here I'm a queen not a solider boy! Fall in line I'm the queen not a soldier fall in line Fall in line You couldn't last a day I'm a queen not a soldier Got something to fight for I'm losing my mind My mind, my mind Fall in line I'm a queen not a soldier Fall in line
[MOANS.]
[POPPING SOUND.]
[WHIMPERING.]
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[CHOKING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Dog, I had the craziest fucking dream.
- Are you listening? - Yes.
Okay, you gotta listen 'cause this shit was bugging me.
So I was at the top of this mountain, and I was waving, and I was grunting.
Why were you grunting, you nasty bitch? Dog, I'm trying to tell you.
Damn.
I'm grunting because my tummy is hurting, like I'm having the worst period of my life, while being forced fed Taco Bell.
Oh fuck.
And so the pain, it takes me to my knees.
- Damn.
- And before I know it, my pussy just split open and I'm on the ground giving birth.
Wait, what? Gross! - I know! - But listen.
So, I'm pushing and pushing, and finally the baby comes out, and it's me.
Wait, what do you mean like - you was a baby? - No.
Like me now.
Like I birthed myself fully-fucking-grown, and I was all bloody, and, and naked.
And I was wearing a full length fur coat, like Aretha Franklin.
I'm repulsed, and intrigued.
Mm-hmm.
Same.
[BOTH.]
Repultrigued.
Dog, don't forget that word.
People are always posting "Repultrigueing" shit, all over High-Wire.
- Oh my God.
- Vegan cheese, Donald Trump.
[BOTH.]
CrossFit! I'm telling you, we are living in the age of repultrigue.
That's good.
- You should brain fart that.
- Mm.
But like, what do you think your dream means though? I think it means it's like my time or something.
Jack-pot! I hit that number, motherfucker! That's from three weeks ago.
Can't she at least have like a fucked up toe? I bet her toes were plenty fucked up when she worked at that strip club.
Every morning I look at myself in the mirror and I say, "Copper, slay.
" - Work.
- Flex.
- Stunt.
- One second.
[GAGGING.]
Arab fascist! You know I hit the number! - Come on, man.
- Please.
Get out of the way.
Fuck all y'all.
Nobody getting past me until I get my winnings.
Come on, man, get out of my store! Chaldean Paul is out the fishbowl.
- Get out! - Hey.
- You need to get out of my store.
Hey, hey.
Chaldean Paul.
Hey, chill.
Uh-uh.
Hey, Frankie the Wino, you wanna play another number on me? - Yeah.
- You play Daily Digit, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, come on, let him play one on me.
I know you.
Always with that white girl with all that ass.
Duh, sir.
We see you every day.
We went to school with your daughter Sheena, you remember? How is she? We don't fucking know.
I seen her on High-Wire.
Her baby just started walking, and she tries a new recipe every Sunday night.
So, she seems good.
Sheena's a bitch, sir.
She got that honest.
Her mama some kind of Medusa.
When I get this number, you get half, sweetheart.
[CHALDEAN PAUL.]
Budweiser get the other half.
Here's your ticket, get out of here! [RADIO.]
Good morning, Detroit! Getting you through that nine to five.
Can I get your customer I.
D.
number, please? Can I have you customer I.
D.
sir? Can I bother you for your number? We require your customer identification number, ma'am.
Oh no, no sir.
I do not need your number.
Um, you know what? I am not sure about that, let me transfer you.
Okay.
All right, have a blessed day.
Uh-huh okay, bye-bye, hold please.
Why yes, I would love to do that for you, sir.
Can I please have your customer I.
D.
number? Can you hold on one sec? Are you lost? Naw, I don't think so.
Then what the fuck are you looking at? [COMPUTER.]
Welcome to High-Wire.
Hey guys, I'm Copper.
It's Copper, bitches.
I did this shoot in Ibiza.
And this is how bad bitches slay fashion week in their own fashions.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
My tea bag is woke! My tea bag is My tea bag is my pastor.
Come on, people, give me some likes.
- Nia.
- Yes! I need to speak with you in my office.
Yes! Aye, aye captain! - [HIP HOP TUNE.]
- Out of the box Fish out of water Leveling up now crossing these borders! Like Don Quixote Seeking adventure Not like no princess I'm the avenger! I'm super marvelous I've received an anonymous complaint about you.
From who? From anonymous.
Like the hackers? Not the hackers.
From an anonymous source.
Trapper, come on.
I read you your horoscope everyday.
I picked out your wife's birthday gift.
I'm the homie.
Yes, you're the homie, Nia.
The home-skillet and the home-fries.
Thank you very much.
But the source complained that you are an ineffective member of the team.
Unfocused, unhelpful, and they suggested that you don't even know what kind of company Holdon Corp is.
Trapper, that's ridiculous, I've been here almost a year.
- I thought so too.
- Right.
- At first.
- Mm-hmm.
And then I thought about it some more.
I feel silly asking, Nia.
But what do we do here? Wow.
I am so hurt and offended by your question that I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Nia.
Nia! He's gonna fire me! No he's not.
Just go in on Monday, apologize.
Ugh! Answer his questions.
And Nia, I don't know why you won't just let me tell you what Holdon Corp does so you can start applying yourself.
Mm-mm, I don't want to apply myself, I want to remain willfully ignorant as an act of defiance.
Cool, cool, cool.
He's gonna fire you then.
I have 98 dollars and 62 cents in my savings account.
I can't afford to lose my job.
I won't let you.
But look, this is real life.
One of these days we're gonna have to suck it up, buy pant suits, and get serious about it.
No, that is like really fucking depressing.
You realize that work is not supposed to be fun.
Right, baby? You get one happy hour per week day.
Everybody knows that, that's legit why they make the wings half off.
I mean actual living happens on the weekends! [SUBWAY ANNOUNCER.]
Next stop, Greentown.
[SING-SONGY.]
Yo, the golden hour is upon us! [RHYTHMIC HOLLERING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Yeah That's right Come on come on [MISTY.]
That's 'cause you get all your news from High-Wire.
When I was six years old, and people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
You know what I used to say? - A lion.
- A fucking lion.
I know, baby girl.
And I used to say I wanted to be emotionally supported.
- Mmm.
- And that's why we're friends, 'cause we think outside the box.
Hmm, okay.
But then how did we end up right back in the fuckin' box with everybody else? I'm not in the box.
Dog, a cubical is a box.
And boxes are not reflective of our bad ass bitchness.
Why does every woman on Earth have to be a bad ass bitch though? I don't fuckin' know, ask Beyoncé.
But I am well aware that we have to slay, okay? While these motherfuckers get to be traffic cones.
Sir.
- Looking mighty fine.
- Thank you.
Okay I'm gonna need you to get it up for happy hour, now.
- Okay? - Okay.
[SING-SONGY.]
Here's to the freakin' weekend! [BOTH.]
Yeah! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Sorry baby I'm running late But I promise I'm on my way Okay, do you remember Malibu Barbie's three story dream house? Oh I never got one! And my mom blew the guy at Toys 'R' Us - and everything but - Oh! apparently she wasn't very good at head because it was not in the cards for me.
Damn! Okay well I had the Malibu one with the elevator and the pink Corvette.
- So jelly.
- Mmm! And in all that time I spent playing with that black Barbie, and you know my mama, she had to be black.
So I could [BOTH.]
Identify.
Exactly, well I guess I thought that was sort of like a preview.
Okay so in all that time that you were playing black Barbie in her Malibu dream home.
- Uh-huh.
- Did you ever once stop to ask yourself what her black ass did for a living? She was dope for a living.
Oh here comes King.
What up, though? Ladies, what up though? - Rev.
- False Prophet.
Oh, nothing you can do when a nickname sticks.
- Hey Rev.
- See.
You got something for me over at the community center? I'm about to lose my job.
No, she's not.
Mama's gonna allow her to pout until Monday morning.
And then I will give her the information that she needs to stay gainfully employed.
- So we're fine.
- Okay gainfully might be a bit much.
Okay I know what y'all need.
Another round, please for the soon-to-be possibly unemployed.
I mean I definitely have a job so thank you.
Two.
[CHEERING.]
Hey Rev, you ballroom? Ballroom hustle class every Wednesday night at the center.
Who you think started that? - You did.
- Of course I did.
Y'all so damn corny! I got to go.
The freakin' weekend to be continued.
False Prophet, why don't you get her out on the dance floor? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No we got twenty minutes of happy left.
What you gonna do for the rest of the night? Sleep.
Have fun! Well.
Okay, it goes like this right? Yeah No I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
- How do you do it? - Like this.
[FAINT MUSIC.]
How come you won't let me take you out? 'Cause I'm not interested in where that leads.
It leads to joy.
Who's anti-joy? Anybody here anti-joy? Stop! I'm anti-love, marriage and a baby carriage.
And you're too charming, there's got to be something wrong with you.
I'm a prince charming type.
And I come from a long line of romantic warriors.
Nigga, I come from a long line of type two diabetes.
So what? So I'd lay off the red pop.
And I'd enjoy dancing on these two feet while you still can.
All right, look.
No love, no marriage, and a baby carriage.
Okay, all right.
But ain't that why women come to happy hour? Oh you don't know shit about women.
All right, so wait, well then teach me.
What do you want? I want you to stop talking.
It was just starting to feel like Friday.
[JAHEIM: "Just in case".]
Haven't I made you feel so special? As your man I've held your hand Never letting go Let you hold the keys to the Lex Huh to drive Gave you all you need and more As long as I'm alive [MOANING.]
You're so sexy.
So sexy.
Shut the fuck up.
How's my dick.
com feel? Huh? I don't get it.
- It's dirty talk.
- Oh my God.
Randy the Mailman, shut the fuck up! [SEDUCTIVE MUSIC.]
He was a king to me So this is you? Yeah it's my dad's.
Damn, that's a nice crib.
Okay, thank you.
- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
I'm about to be late for my dad's birthday thing.
Oh.
Okay.
Tell your dad happy birthday.
Hey Rev.
You really want to know what I want? Yeah, I do.
I want to be fulfilled.
You want to be fulfilled? [LAUGHS.]
Oh shit you serious? Yes, asshole.
Okay.
Okay so you got white girl problems? What? No.
Yeah, yeah I think you do.
I think you need to just like tuck your hair behind your ear as you say that.
Goodnight.
You know what? Isn't that why Martin Luther King died anyways, so that I could one day have white girl problems? What? No! Doctor King didn't die so that you could bitch and moan like Taylor Swift at a sleep over.
You know what? Fuck you.
- Wow.
- I'm trying to tell you that I want to be fulfilled.
And that dick has never really been that fulfilling.
So I guess I see you.
Okay well now wait now.
Now my dick, that's really fulfilling.
- Goodnight.
- Oh it was just a joke.
Nia, it was just a joke.
Nia.
All right, it's not that fulfilling.
It's like a-It's like an in-between meal, like a smoothie.
Fulfilling, not filling dumb ass.
Goodnight.
Happy birthday to you Oh my goodness, I'm glad you could join us.
- Okay, well.
- Me too, baby.
Happy birthday, daddy.
- [BABE.]
Yes.
- I love you so much.
Aw thank you, thank you.
Thank you baby, come here.
Ma, I want to get leggings like this from Copper Lewinski's new line.
Oh now honey when did leggings become pants? Oh a long time now, baby, a long time! Even big girls are wearing them and I'm talking big.
I saw this big ol' girl, she waitin' at the bus stop.
Now this woman knows she ain't had no business even lookin' at a leggin'.
She should've got two pairs of leggings! [BABE.]
Copper Lewinski is a menace.
Honey, put that phone down.
But Misty has those leggings and every time she wears them we get free drinks all night long.
So hash tag, all fuckin' thighs matter.
You know what I'm saying? Don't swear at the table.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
'Cause the lady bugs have delicate ears.
- Daddy, you're retarded.
- Whoa! That word is out of bounds, okay.
Say he's um, touched.
Your father is touched.
Gossett honey, you touched.
- [GOSSETT.]
Baby! - Mm! You know, Copper Lewinsky is a business woman, though.
I think people forget that.
Oh please, honey.
I don't think that Sheryl Sandberg meant lean in until you're bent all the way over.
We don't know about Sheryl Sandberg.
Maybe Sheryl Sandberg- Maybe Sheryl Sandberg likes to get bent over, shit we don't know.
You know the best thing about eating at home? Free refill! So you are a Copper Lewinsky fan.
Mm, well she's intriguing.
Okay well what is there to be intrigued by? I mean she doesn't act or sing, rap, dance, think, nothing.
She does nothing.
But isn't that what's so genius about it? I mean she figured out how to be Barbie.
How to be sexy for a living.
Oh wow Nia I had no idea you were so shallow.
It's an inventive career path.
I'm just saying she's um, she's like an avant-garde internet performer.
Damn that's good, I should brain fart that.
[WHISPERS.]
You should brain fart that.
No actually what you should do is aim higher, Nia.
Copper Lewinsky has no class and there's nothing worse than a woman with no class.
I would agree with that.
Thank you.
I know about class.
My mother had class, she was a class act.
[GOSSETT.]
Woo! Shit! These boys are balling this season! I love you, Mist.
I've loved you since high school.
Aw.
How do you think your wife would feel about that? I'ma tell her.
Look, as soon as she get back from her choir trip.
Oh my God, bullshit! - Hey where you going? - You are such a liar.
- I'm not a liar.
- Yes.
No I'm not.
I'm allergic to lyin'.
It's like you forget, Rand.
I watch my mom screw her way through the east side, southwest Detroit and a little bit of Downriver.
And I learned that there are three types of men in this world.
And you Randy, are a Trent.
Do Trents have big dicks? Uh Trents don't leave their wives.
You know what? Nia would fuckin' beat my ass if she found out about Holy shit.
What? - I can't find my ring.
- Your ring? My birth control ring thing, my pussy ate it or something.
Oh okay, okay.
Uh, here.
Lay back.
Ow! Easy.
My bad, my bad.
Do you feel anything.
Yeah not a ring.
- But I - Okay, so either we fucked it way up and I need to go to urgent care or we fucked it out and it's in the bed.
- You serious? - Yes I'm serious.
Hey get up, get up, get up.
Oh man.
Fuck.
What does it look like? Like a little plastic ring.
Well what-How big is it? I don't know.
God damn it.
You just standing there.
Are you gonna help me? Please! She's gonna kill me.
She's gonna [SOFT MUSIC.]
So I am here with my dad on his birthday, celebrating his birthday and I am wondering if you can tell the people at home just what kind of a guy was Jesus? Because I understand that y'all went to grade school together.
That negro was a handful! Mm-hmm.
Happy birthday! Ah mwah! Things about me and you And I'm ready to turn this page And get over this phase Come on, people it's funny.
Ahh yes! Can't press ignore Why can't I get over you? Don't understand it I can see my way out but I feel so stranded Oh! You're such a dick.
Got to find a way to break this chain Oh excuse me, I'm sorry.
Were you speaking to me? [EXHALES.]
You're such a dumb bitch.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
What the fuck! I know.
That is so weird.
I know! And the whole thing has just been kind of fucking me up.
And I blinked and the whole freakin' weekend was over.
Oh my God, in a flash! Are you ready? Okay.
I am in a flyover state of mind, baby.
Bring on the minutiae.
And like, you're sure you don't want to just google it? No.
I'd rather hear it from my ride or die.
I got you.
Okay.
Okay so So mostly I just make copies, answer the phone, get coffee.
But of course I know what we do here in a larger sense.
And I am prepared to fight for my job and prove that I am an asset to this team.
- I'm listening.
- Okay.
Dopedy, dope, dope, dope.
- Nia.
- Okay, so.
I have to tell you.
- Yes.
- I'm relieved.
I'd already thrown your name in the mix for a promotion so I'd look pretty silly if you don't wow me right now.
Okay, okay.
Well strap yourself in Trapper because here I fucking go, - okay? - Great.
Okay so what we do here is [VOICEOVER.]
One of these days, we're gonna have to suck it up, buy pant suits and get Nia.
Nia.
You're not helping yourself here.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So what we do here is, and I'm pretty sure that this goes for everyone.
Is we pretend that we want to be here all day.
And we try to stifle this nagging fucking feeling that we might be bigger than this.
Nia.
Hold on.
[SHALLOW ROARING.]
[GROWLING.]
A fucking lion.
[SHALLOW ROARING.]
Nia, what the fuck? I quit.
[FLINT EASTWOOD: "QUEEN".]
I'm a queen not a soldier Relentless and chosen I'm fighting a war tonight 'Cause I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here 'Cause I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here I'm the queen right here! Here Here Here I'm a queen not a solider boy! Fall in line I'm the queen not a soldier fall in line Fall in line You couldn't last a day I'm a queen not a soldier Got something to fight for I'm losing my mind My mind, my mind Fall in line I'm a queen not a soldier Fall in line