The Comeback (2005) s01e13 Episode Script

Valerie Does Another Classic Leno

The Comeback - Season 1 - Episode 13 "Valerie Does Another Classic Leno" What do you think, Mickey ? Dress or suit for my big return to "The Tonight Show" ? I need to eat, red.
Well, we're almost there.
Can you hold out ? We're almost at Neimans.
They've got that salad we love.
I'll try, but you know how I am when I'm hungry.
I'm severely hypoglycemic.
Well, all right now, but, Mickey, don't think about it.
Let's talk about something else.
I got your invitation to your "Comeback" party ? - Very fancy.
- Yeah.
I'm tenting the whole yard.
It's a chocolate fountain party theme.
- Fun ! - Yeah.
Well It's not every day your series debuts.
So Jane, did you get your invitation ? Yeah.
How'd you get my address ? It wasn't easy.
I had to make four calls.
I wanted you to get your own personal invite, you know.
Not from star to producer, but from Valerie to Jane.
You know, I just feel like we've gotten really close over these past 20 weeks.
Don't you, Jane ? Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
Could you keep your eyes on the road ? Oh, no, yeah.
No, I am.
I am.
I'm not going to make it to Neimans.
Everything's starting to swirl.
All right, well, let's find a 7-11 and get you a bag of nuts or something.
Can you talk about your feelings about "The Comeback" premiere ? Well, I'm beside myself with I'm sorry, Don.
I'm gonna wait for Jane.
Okay.
I'm sure you're very competent, but it just doesn't feel the same.
She wanted us to start without her.
Did she ? Well, I'm gonna wait.
Thank you, I'm gonna wait.
Mickey ? Fix me up.
How am I supposed to open up to a man who shows up today out of nowhere ? Jeff ? He's here every time we do a studio interview.
Well I don't know how I'm supposed to know who anyone is with these lights shining in my eyes.
- I can't tell.
- There's Jane.
I'm here.
Sorry I'm late.
I got held up doing another interview.
- Did you ? - Yeah.
Well, why would you schedule another interview the same time as mine ? It was the only time he'd give us.
He ? Who's he ? Paulie G.
You interviewed Paulie G ? - Why ? Why would you ? - Jason Silver wanted it.
And he agreed ? They are lawyers involved.
So so now ? Now is when they decide to force him to talk about me ? Now, after I punched him ? And you brought him during a hiatus week.
I'm sure he was thrilled about that.
So what ? Did he trash me ? Did he say bad things ? Yeah, well, that's fine.
I was trying to take the high road here by not saying what I really think about him, but I need to go on the record.
Okay ? I'm gonna go on the record now.
I have tried everything I could to be nice to him, but Paulie G.
has got it out for me.
From the first minute he saw me he has been nothing but hurtful.
He is abusive.
He is threatening.
He's a monster.
And I hate to say that about anyone, I really do, but he leaves me no choice.
He has a problem with actresses or success or something.
Maybe he has a problem with a woman that he doesn't want to have sex with.
I don't know, I'm not a therapist.
All I know is that after months and months of personal attacks, yes, I hit him.
But only after he made a very painful remark about my scoliosis.
And yes, I'm ashamed of what I did, I am.
But after everything he did to me he had it coming.
Anything else ? I gave him a first show gift from Tiffany and he never even acknowledged that he received it.
There, yeah, I'm done.
I'm done, Jane.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
How was that, Mickey ? Are you sure that was wise ? Well, yeah.
Let's fight fire with fire.
But we did have one night where, I don't know if you know this, but lions have sex for like 10, 12 hours straight.
- Tell me about it.
- No, I swear to God.
Yeah, I know, so, they - Billy.
- Yeah.
- Billy, this is going over.
- Wait.
There's not gonna be enough time for another guest.
Well, Val, let's just wait and see.
I've made a big decision, red.
I'm bringing Robert to your chocolate fountain party.
That's great, Mickey.
Yeah.
Who's Robert ? My lover.
I'm using your "Comeback" party as my "come out" party.
And all these years I've never brought him to a work function - and I think it's about time - Mickey, put a pin in that.
Billy, she keeps trying to wrap it up and he keeps going.
So ? Hi.
It looks like we're going long.
- Oh, no.
- No way, Zoe, no, you can't go long.
I mean she's here to plug The Comeback and it premieres tomorrow night.
Yeah, I'm plugging "The Comeback" and it premieres tomorrow night.
I know, and we feel awful.
So, we're gonna make Valerie Jay's first guest the night after it airs.
The night after ? Yes, everyone will be all buzzed from having seen the show and you can talk about the reaction.
And then Jay will have a lot more to say.
And it'll be great.
Not as great as tonight.
You know I'm sorry.
No, I understand.
I get it.
Yeah, what can you do ? You can't go out there and grab a movie star off the couch by her hair.
Right ? You know, so Thanks, darling.
Appreciate it.
Okay, good.
Awesome.
- Then, I'll see you then.
- Yeah, thanks, Zoe.
Well, first guest.
- That's something.
- Right.
- Right ? - That's good.
Couldn't have worked out better ? I got to rest.
I had my bath, you know.
I need all those things to happen, it seems.
You know.
Just, that's the truth, you know ? Well, I better run home and change.
- You're beautiful, red.
- Thank you.
Back in a flash with Robert, my lover.
That's right.
That's right.
Oh, did you get that ? That looks so good.
I need to wire you.
Well Oh, no.
No ! No smoking in the house.
Not inside.
Not inside.
Why don't you go put that out right now ? - You want to hold on to this ? - Well I don't Jane ? Jane ? Hi, I'm standing in for Jane.
Jeff from the studio.
Oh, yeah.
No, I knew that.
Yeah, sure.
Where is Jane ? She wasn't feeling well.
She had to go home.
Oh, no.
Well, what's wrong with her ? What is it ? I have no idea.
She just called me to cover.
Okay, well, Jeff, listen, Jane and I don't like that sound guy.
All right, he creeps us out.
I didn't know.
We needed extra help tonight, so Yeah, no, that's your right.
I know that.
But just, you know, never again, huh ? Ever again.
And make sure he doesn't smoke in the house.
All right ? Mark and I quit five years ago and the smell makes us sick.
Yeah yeah.
- Miss Val, it's me.
- Oh, okay, hello.
Look.
- Great ! - Open in and look at the camera.
That's great.
Come on in.
Don't you all look so nice ? This is okay, this is Esperanza's husband Carlos.
And their three girls.
Why don't you all go out and enjoy the chocolate fountain ? - Okay, I'll be with you later.
- Yeah.
- Miss Val ? - They look so pretty.
- This is for you.
- Oh, you shouldn't have.
- Thank you ! Thank you ! - Good luck with your Comeback show.
Why don't you go have some fun now ? I did it ! I did it ! - You did it yourself ? - Yes.
I was gonna do you.
I'll gonna put this away.
You can use pretzels or the grapes.
Or marshmallows.
If you don't love, you don't have to.
There are no rules.
Have fun, that's right.
- Hi, girls.
- Hi.
Franchesca you're at the wrong table, kids.
You're supposed to be at that table.
You had place cards and everything.
That's all right.
Yeah, just move over there.
Careful, don't get me with the chocolate.
I'm glad you came.
Oh, good.
Come on.
Listen, we need more clean plates over there.
'Cause the girls sat there by accident.
Gigi, welcome.
Thanks for inviting me.
This is so fun.
You think this is fun, wait till you see the chocolate fountain.
Oh, I see it, but keep me away.
I just started on the zone.
Good for you ! That's wonderful.
What was it ? The dress ripping on the red carpet ? - Yeah.
- Yeah, well, onward and upward ! I haven't seen any of the other writers here.
So what happened ? Big bad wolf wouldn't let them come ? I don't I'm not - Oh, there's Eddie ! - Hi, Val.
- Hi, Eddie.
- Thanks for inviting us.
My pleasure.
Oh, Esperanza.
Put those down.
Put those down.
Enjoy yourself.
You're a guest at the party, not Peter, how is it ? Ain't nothing wrong with chocolate, baby.
Well put.
Really going over big.
The video guy said we're all ready to go.
Good.
Tom ! Oh, Tom, you came.
- Oh, so glad to see you.
- Hey.
- You look great.
Real healthy.
- Thanks.
- This is my wife Sarah.
- Hi.
Hi.
I feel like I know you.
This is silly.
Give me a hug.
Good.
Good.
Pretty perfume.
Oh, thank you.
I make it myself.
It's frankincense with a little patchouli.
Is it ? Wow, Val, you really went all out here.
Well, it's big night.
But Tom, I'm sorry, but I couldn't invite Paulie.
Not after the incident.
I just couldn't do it.
Did you hear what happened ? - No, we don't talk about work - Yeah, you know Now's not the time or place to get into it.
But he made an off-Color joke about the rod in my back.
I have a rod in my back.
Metal rod.
So, I lost it.
I lost it.
And he just went too far.
Just went too far.
But don't worry, it's not gonna stop me from continuing to give it my all at "Room & Bored.
" It won't.
It won't, okay ? So don't worry.
Enjoy the chocolate.
Oh God, I love chocolate ! Those chocolate fountains are making a hum.
What do you want me to do ? Turn it off ? It's a chocolate fountain party ! - You have to - Look who's here ! - Robert ! - Congratulations, Val.
- Thank you, doll.
- America, this is Robert Fanzini, and we're lovers.
There you go.
All right.
That's done.
Listen, everyone, I have an announcement to make ! Stop ! Stop, stop ! Not yet ! Now, unless you've been living under a rock, I have a new reality show called "The Comeback.
" Mickey.
I would like to thank everyone here for your love and support.
And I need to give an extra special thank you to my husband Mark and my producer Jane, who is home sick tonight.
But she's with us in spirit.
And there is no talking during the show.
Save it for the commercials, all right ? And now, please enjoy "The Comeback"! And I'm on "The Tonight Show" tomorrow ! This is my comeback.
- That's adorable.
- Yeah, it's funny.
Hollywood, the land of dreams.
My name is Valerie Cherish and I'm an actress.
I starred in the hit sitcom "I'm it.
" Mark, I'm very fond of you.
Never thought I'd work again.
- I never said that.
- What do you mean ? Mickey, you were there.
I told them I wouldn't say that, right ? I love Valerie Cherish.
- Oh baby girl ! - I have ever since I was nine, I used to try and stay up past my bedtime to watch "I'm it.
" Valerie has been in the business forever.
Forever forever When they told us who else was in the show - I was like, "Valerie what ?" - Yeah, who's this has-been - with'80s hair ? - Val, that was the first day ! That's all right, Jesse.
Everyone, I'm fine with it.
Reality TV I was expecting it.
But for the record, I always thought I'd work again.
It's okay, Red.
We all know that.
Try not to take it personally.
Valerie's a star.
I love being in an ensemble.
That's true ! Surround me with a great cast and I am in sitcom heaven.
I love black.
Everyone on the set knows I'm just wild about black.
Delicious ! I was talking about hair color ! That's out of context.
Hey, Mickey, what's up ? And she's the perfect stepmom.
Franchesca ? Franchesca ? - Are you smoking ? - Not anymore.
Don't throw it in the pool ! What's the matter with you Is that wine ? Put your clothes on, right now ! They take something that happened one day And then they place it where it wasn't supposed to be.
Do you think they're gonna use that thing I said about us doing coke ? What does it matter now ? You just did.
And you have to talk to your daughter Jeff, this means stop.
Jane knows.
What do I think of Valerie Cherish ? Here it comes.
Children and those who are weak at heart, you might want to run for the exit ! Not my biggest fan here.
But don't worry.
I'm ready for this.
I am.
She's a terrific comedic actress.
She's always very professional.
We're lucky to have her on "Room & Bored".
Paulie G.
has got it out for me.
From the first minute he saw me he has been nothing but hurtful.
He is abusive.
He is threatening.
He's a monster.
Yes, I hit him.
But he had it coming.
He has a problem with actresses or success or something.
Maybe he has a problem with a woman he doesn't want to have sex with.
Cut the cameras ! Get them out of here ! That's quite enough.
Did you know that Mark was married before ? When they got married, Franchesca wanted nothing to do with her.
Val, you can come out.
Everybody's gone.
Come on, Val, open the door.
Let me in.
All right.
No cameras.
Just you.
- You're smoking ? - I'm upset.
Give me a drag.
- See that ? See that ? - Yes.
They made that asshole look like the good guy and I'm the bad guy.
He's guy, Mark.
He's the bad guy.
- Give me another - Give me another drag.
Get your own.
I stole that sound guy's pack.
Oh, God.
I knew they would manipulate things, I knew that.
I knew it ! But they cut out everything ! Everything that he's been putting me through for months and months ! And then they made it the crazy actress show.
How am I gonna show my face on "Leno"? How am I gonna show my face anywhere ! At least they didn't show the thing about us doing coke.
Not this week, Mark ! Not this week ! We've got 12 more weeks of God knows what kind of humiliations in store for us.
And Jane's not sick.
She's not sick.
She knew.
She knew.
Just always standing around, not saying anything with her mean spider eyes.
Yeah ! Yeah ! - No ! No, not fair ! - What ? That is not fair ! No ! How would you all like it if I came to your house with a camera and snuck up on you, huh ? - They say keep filming.
- No, that's fine ! - What are you looking for ? - My address book.
Here.
Where are you ? Spider eyes.
Okay, yeah.
Good ! Good.
You want to do a reality show, let's do a reality show ! Let's do one ! Come on, Jake ! Jeff whatever the hell your name is ! Let's go ! - What are you doing ? - I want both cameras.
Both cameras with me in the navigator ! No, no, no, no.
Don't do this.
You're too upset ! Christ ! Come on, everybody, let's get in the navigator.
Come on, let's go ! Upstairs.
- Val ! - Let's see how she likes it.
Guys, I need one of you at the door ! One of you on the door ! - What are you doing ? - How do you like it, Jane ? - What are you feeling right now ? - Lucy, no ! - Can you get the dog ? - Is there someone in there with you ? Who is it ? A man ? A woman ? We want to know.
- Get a camera in there.
- This is insane.
Jeff, stop.
- You betrayed me ! - I didn't edit it.
They did.
I can't show my face on "The Tonight Show" tomorrow.
I have waited 10 years to do that ! Val, let's go.
Fuck them ! Yeah, fuck them ! That's right, fuck them.
I quit ! You tell them I quit ! I'm done ! - You're an asshole, Jeff.
- It's good TV.
Keep the navigator.
Keys are inside ! 'Cause I don't need it ! I don't need any of this ! You can tell them that.
When you tell them I quit ! No, no ! You know what on second thought, don't tell them anything ! They can watch me quit tomorrow night on "The Tonight Show"! All right, I'm going to tell my friend Jay everything.
Everything you deceitful people did to me ! America's gonna know ! They're gonna know.
No, that's it ! We're done ! Yeah.
That's right ! We're done ! We're done ! I don't get it.
Didn't she sign up for this ? Thank you.
Oh, you know what ? I don't need this mic pack anymore.
Here they come.
What are you doing here, Jane ? I quit ! I have to follow you.
You're still under contract.
Fine, fine.
You can shoot me quitting ! Shame on you, Jane.
You're lucky my lover Robert has a sense of humor.
Go.
Oh my God, Valerie, I saw your show last night.
That was the grossest thing I've ever seen.
I almost threw up watching it.
My boyfriend Tivo'd it back three times and I kept That's right.
Let's not want to talk about the show.
Thanks.
All right then.
They're gonna come in to wire you in a few minutes.
Thank you.
"The grossest thing I've ever seen.
" Thank you for that, Jane ! Valerie, I'm sorry you're upset, but people are talking about it.
You know what ? I don't want to hear another word from you, ever.
Ever ! And I need to know I am being heard.
Am I being heard ? - You told me not to say anything.
- All right ! All right ! How about we not upset Val Don't upset me two seconds before I go out there.
Billy, do me a favor, go out and make sure Mark's got his seat ? - Oh, yeah, of course.
Break a leg.
- Thank you.
What are you going to say ? I'm going to say that I'm going to tell them reality TV is humiliation TV.
That people's characters are being destroyed just so other people have something to Tivo.
And then I'm gonna quit "The Comeback.
" You sure about this, Red ? It did get you back on "The Tonight Show.
" There's the good way to get back on "The Tonight Show" and a bad way.
This is the bad way.
Doll, you go sit with Mark.
Make sure he's okay.
And then I'll see you after.
Thank you.
This is you.
You may remember my next guest as the star of "I'm it.
" Enjoy this.
This is your last shot.
Please welcome Valerie Cherish, ladies and gentlemen ! - Have a seat.
- Yes, yes.
It's nice to see you again.
It's been a while.
- Yeah, thanks, Jay.
- I gotta tell you something.
I'm not a big fan of reality shows.
And I'll tell you something, after last night, neither am I ! I come into work today, everybody, everybody is talking about.
- What happened your show last night.
- Yeah well How many people saw "The Comeback"? That's about half.
Let's show the other half what all the hoopla was about.
Let's put up the monitor.
Check this out.
- Oh, no.
Oh, god ! Okay.
- What's that ? Nothing ! If I could say one thing.
Sure.
But first, let's show people the clip so they know what we're talking about.
Take a look at this.
Here we go.
Last night Last night on the show.
Just when you think you've seen it all here comes the rare double vomit.
Vomit on TV ! I mean, look Yeah, there you go.
That's right.
Come on, let's We're all adults.
We've seen vomit on TV.
But the rare double vomit ! You never see that.
Now you're talking.
Plus, it's a giant cupcake vomiting.
That's what I call quality television, isn't it ? I've got to say, Valerie, Valerie let me tell you something : You have got a right hook, young lady.
Look out Hillary Swank ! You should know that it's all taken out of context.
Hold on.
I got to get ready in case I say something you don't like.
Now, I think I could take you.
But, just in case, I've got a little air sickness bag here.
You like that, audience ? Look under your seats, everybody.
Check under your seats.
We have a little surprise.
There you go.
Everybody in the audience has one.
In fact, I've got gloves for you.
Try those on.
Try those on.
Let's see.
- That's what I was wearing.
- There we go.
- Let's see what you've got.
- Where did you get these ? "The cupcake kid".
You think I can take her ? You wanna give it a shot ? Come on.
Hit him ! Hit him ! Hit him ! Valerie Cherish, ladies and gentlemen ! What are you feeling ? Complete this sentence, "I am feeling blank".
Hello ? Yeah, I can hold.
It's Jason Silver.
- Hey, awesome job, Val ! - Thank you.
- Oh, you can't smoke in here.
- I'll put it out.
Oh, it's okay.
All the stars do.
Just close the door.
And anytime you want to come back, - you let us know.
- Thank you ! Jane, the door ! Oh, okay, here she is.
It's Jason.
Val, congratulations on the show last night ! People can't stop talking about it ! The network's going to replay it on friday at 10 :00.
They want to give this thing a chance to catch on.
- You there ? - Yes ! This crazy vomit thing has pushed it over the top.
They're picking you up for another season.
How's that ? Great ! Keep up the good work.
Gotta go.
Okay ! Jane, we got picked up ! He's picking us up for another season ! After one episode ! What ? That never happens.
Never ! Never happens ! Oh my God.
Wow.
I know ! Did you see that ? Cracked wide open.
I don't know how I'm going to keep this up.
What am I going to do next year ? Explode ? Oh, no, I don't Jane, I don't smoke.
I don't smoke on camera.
Maybe you better Yeah, for now.
Here she comes ! Valerie ! Get higher ! Climb up on that car ! Thanks, darling.
Valerie, I love you ! I love it ! Here you go.
That was very good ! Very good ! Thanks, darling.
Yeah.
Anyone else want a picture ? That'll be a good one.
I'll look for it on Ebay.
You better not.
Thank you.
Is that everybody ? Did I get everybody ? Csivore and Seth Cohen