The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e10 Episode Script


1 This has got to stop! Every night it's the same thing! No, no! Don't you see what's going on? You have a drinking problem! (Mitch) And cut! Great stuff, guys.
Maybe just hit the word "problem" harder? You're hitting "drinking.
" It's not really about drinking.
It's about It's about the problem.
Does that make sense? How could that not make sense? Can I give you a little note? - Oh, yeah.
- When you said "cut," could you just say "cut"? - That's what I did.
- You keep doing this long "aaaaaaand.
" It takes too long, and we're losing the light here.
[chuckles] Yeah.
On a sound stage.
That's classic.
It's great Great blooper reel stuff.
All right, guys.
Back to one, and remember, it is "your drinking is becoming problem.
" Aaaaaaand Action! Our head writer Mitch has been acting as our interim director.
He was only supposed to do it for a couple of weeks, but it's been more like a What year is this? [chuckles] (Mitch) You know I've actually done quite a lot of directing? Granted, it has been mostly for the stage, but what do they call that? The stage.
And, yeah, there's a couple cameras out there.
There's some sound stuff, but it's pretty much the same thing.
(Billy) We all like Mitch.
He's a terrific guy.
He's a great writer.
He's a good writer.
Well, he's growing as a writer.
- Being around us.
- Yeah, well, sure.
I just don't think, as a director, he's ready yet.
- He's a little green.
- Annoying.
Thing is, Mitch is doing this unpaid and uncredited, which is really good for us budget-wise.
Do you know the expression "You get what you pay for"? I think what you mean to say is, "You get what you pay for.
" - No, you get what - See, you're putting the emphasis on the "for" - Yes.
And you want it to be on the "what.
" You get what you pay for.
You get what you pay for.
You get what you pay for.
You get That's what I said.
Oh, that is what you just did.
- [laughs] - Yeah, you're right.
Remember, back in, um, the pilot, when we fired Larry Charles? Billy fired Larry Charles.
Larry's work fired Larry Charles.
Technically, when you say the words "You're fired," it I guess it counts as a firing Stupid Director's Guild thing And here is the bummer part You haven't got to the bummer yet oh, Jesus.
We're still obligated to pay Larry Charles' contract.
(both) What? Screw me in the asshole! What is with you? What is with - What is with - You? - What - Is with you? And that is why having Mitch direct is so helpful, because every time we hire a director, we have to pay that person, and then we have to pay Larry.
Now, in theory, if we brought Larry back - No way, no way.
- I'd be up for no.
- No way.
- I guess we're not gonna do it.
No way.
I saw Larry at an event the other night, and he's still a little miffed.
[bleep] you! You are you I'm tired of hearing your shit! I'm tired of [bleep] [prolonged beep] Yeah, right! And that was at The Museum of Tolerance.
He's insane.
He can't control himself.
I'm telling you, he's got anger issues.
Well, listen, we all knew that.
Isn't that part of his charm? His anger? I hate asking friends favors, but I'm going to see Rob Reiner this weekend, and, you know, I could ask him.
- That sound good? - Would this be a free favor? Different idea.
Connor Tate is in town from London.
Does he know a good director? Yes, himself.
Uh He directed "A Hand in the Bird" - "Moral's Compass" Played at Cannes? - Wasn't that like an intense indie thriller? - So? - So we're making sketch comedy, not sketch tragedy.
I know, but I've worked with Connor Tate, and I can tell you from experience he's a super funny guy.
Yeah, that scene where Rooney Mara drowned her baby was a real chuckle-fest.
If you can make a great drama, you can make a great comedy.
I think George Lucas said that right before he directed Howard the Duck.
Hang on a sec.
You hand-picked Larry.
Okay? You chose his replacement.
Shouldn't I get a say in this at this point? Yeah, but Josh, we're talking Rob Reiner.
He'd be a genius for this.
You just don't like this because this is my idea.
Oh, no, no, no.
That is not true.
Look, can you just trust me on this? Connor Tate would crush this show, Billy.
That's what I'm worried about.
So, you know, I think it's great that you're doing television.
Right now is the golden age of television.
The best things are being done on television.
Yeah, we're having fun.
But the only thing is that - This stuff, with the cameras.
- Oh, the cameras, yeah.
That I don't Yeah, they're with us all the time.
They started from the beginning.
It's like, um Extras for the DVD, and they put it on the internet.
It's actually very, you know, innovative.
Oh, innovative? You're like, "I didn't do this 30 years ago"? It was called Spinal Tap.
You heard of it? - I remember.
- You were in it.
- Morty the Mime.
- "Mime is money.
" - Exactly.
- But those are actors playing characters.
- Right, right.
- We're us.
We're just so everyone is just us, which reminds me, you're gonna have to sign a release No, I'm not signing a release.
- Okay.
- So Let me understand, Josh wants a director that you don't like because you think he's terrible? Well, it's not that he's terrible.
He just he just He's not just not funny.
The last movie he did was about incest in Syria.
Well, wait a minute, except for the incest - And the Syria - Yeah.
There could be lots of laughs there.
- [laughs] - Josh is your partner, right? You gotta give him a win.
Rob, I'll give him a win.
I give him little wins all the time.
Look, look.
Years ago, I did a movie that was a very personal project for me, and I was working with a younger actor, and we didn't always see eye to eye, and we butted heads sometimes, but once I let him in, I realized, "This is great!" And we collaborated, we worked together, and it was great for both of us.
Wow, I hear you.
I hear you.
Who was that? That was you.
You remember? A little picture called "When Harry Met Sally" "I'll have what she's having"? You wrote that! If I don't let you in you don't write that joke buddy.
Look at, look at this.
You gotta do this episode.
- No.
- Why don't you do this episode? I don't do TV.
(gruff voice) I'm Batman! (as Borat) I'm Batman.
Hey, come on.
(Australian) Hey, mate, I'm Batman.
That's not a grappling hook.
That's a grappling hook.
[knocking on door] - Yeah, yeah, come in.
- Hey.
- Hey! Uh, listen.
If you believe in Connor, let's bring him in for a meeting.
Seriously? Why are you so shocked? I'm open.
That's awesome.
- Hey, quick sketch idea.
- Yeah.
What do you think about a bunch of Batmans from all over the world? One thing at a time.
Yo soy El hombre de bat.
Y Como Se dice "death wish"? Porque that's what you have.
So anyway, I said, "Thank you so much for the feedback.
"Really appreciate the notes.
Go [bleep] yourself.
" Wow.
And your mother said what? - Sorry, you're joking? - I think so.
Right, of course.
[laughs] Your mom had nothing to do with this.
[laughs] So have you done much comedy? Connor actually did an amazing web series in the UK.
You want to tell him? You should tell him about it.
(Connor) Thank you.
It was actually more of a dark comedy, really.
It's about a drug-addicted coroner, and I shot the entire thing on location in a morgue.
Whoo! I'm laughing.
(Connor) Look, England is the birthplace of comedy, really.
By the time you can sit upright, you're already well-versed in Monty Python, Fawlty Towers - Love it - All that outdated old shit What I think we could do is, with your prodigious talent, and, a bit of boldness, is really to scrape away the artifice from what's has become such a very tired genre.
I want to blow the lid off the entire [bleep] form.
Well, this has been great.
I can't, I just I can't do this.
What, walk? Spit out the gum.
You decided you hated the guy in the first 30 seconds, and you completely shut down.
You made him feel nervous, so, yeah, yeah, he said some weird shit and spun out.
Oh, so it's my fault he crapped on Python? Billy, he's a friend of mine, okay? I'd love to work with the guy again.
It just bums me out that you can't Josh, I get that you like him.
I get that he's a friend of yours, but the man does not respect comedy.
And you don't respect me.
Too much.
Yeah, you know what? It felt a little big when it came out.
(Kristen) Connor's been on board a couple of days.
I guess it meant a lot to Josh, so Billy agreed to give him a shot.
Billy's exact words were "Bleeping Josh is annoying the bleep outta me, so we might as well hire this bleeping guy.
" Instead of "bleep," though, he said [bleep].
Anyway, Connor has added some, um, very exciting, fun, expensive additions to the budget, like new cameras and a location shoot.
And $10,000 on something that just says "Gary.
" - Oh, It's gonna look perfect.
- [speaking Swedish] - Right.
- [speaking Swedish] Hey, here they are! Josh, Billy, this is Jonas Bondesen, He's our new DP.
And this is Nicole Campo who's gonna be cracking the whip as Assistant Director.
- Nicole.
- Oh, really? What happened to our own DP and AD? They've been with us all season.
They're our family, you know.
Anthony and the other guy.
Thing is, I don't know Anthony or the other guy, but I do know that these guys are the very best.
Well, welcome aboard, guys.
It's great to get some new blood up in here.
Well, actually, the old blood was pumping pretty good.
- Frank! It was Frank - Right - Right - Look, I get it.
A new guy A new guy comes on board and he shakes things up and you're getting a bit nervous Nah-uh.
Billy Crystal does not get nervous.
Well, actually I am a little nervous.
Sven, Inga? Would you excuse me just a second, please? - Just one second.
- Yeah, could you just [speaking Swedish] No, no! It's fine, it's fine.
Yes, that's good.
Just me, but it feels like you're trying to reinvent the wheel here.
Yes, that is exactly what I'm doing.
'Cause what's so great about the wheel? What's so great about the wheel? The wheel's good.
I didn't mean to take a position against the wheel.
What you boys have been doing, this stuff? I just feel, it's a little "sketchy-sketch," do you know what I mean? - No.
- Totally.
I want to take the surge, the rush, the immediacy of a gritty action thriller and bring that to sketch comedy.
Why? [laughs] Yes! That little beat you just You know the beat you took.
That is brilliant improv.
And that's just with the word "why," Josh.
- Why? - Yeah, I find myself saying that word a lot lately.
[laughs] I had no idea how funny you were on your feet.
He's unbelievable.
No fear.
It's almost like you don't even need a script.
Listen, I'm not trying to be negative here.
I just want you to know that I'm open.
Perfect, that's all I want to hear, but you have just given me an idea that could be amazing.
We take the writers out of the equation entirely.
What? (Connor) [laughing] Come on, that is good! Yes, all right! Look, I'll explain more to you guys tomorrow night at Griffith Park.
(both) Griffith Park? Hey.
Sorry, can you actually go back to the office, please? 'Cause I only really allow creatives at my location shoots.
I'm making an exception for Mitch.
All right? Come on, darling.
I hate location shoots.
This is Always looking for an excuse to get out of a location shoot.
[laughs] This is perfect.
I get I've got plenty Can call up a friend.
Oh, shoot.
Hey, guys! It's locked.
[laughs] So, we're calling it "To Catch the Predator.
" [laughs] There's this hideous alien living in the woods, um, much like in the movie "Predator" but very much like the television show "To Catch a Predator", this particular alien is a sex pervert who trolls the internet for kids.
- Ha! - Wow.
"Ha" and "wow," indeed.
- There's no script.
- Ah.
As you move through the dark woods, I'm going to be providing you with games and scenarios to play.
Carl's going to be following you on the Steadicam, but your helmet cams are capture going to be capturing this genius chemistry that you guys have way better than any crappy, staged sketch ever could.
All right? Do you have any questions? I have every question.
Billy, I'm begging you.
Can you please just trust me on this? You, I trust; it's David Spade's evil twin that I don't trust.
Connor is a genius.
He's a visionary.
He's He's an asshole.
Billy, I'm giving you the Gad Guarantee that this is gonna work out - The Gad Guarantee? It's gonna be great.
What is that, three dick jokes every fifteen minutes or your money back? You know what, will I ever have any credibility with you? I mean, what if this turns out to be the best sketch we've ever done? Sketch This is a student film where we get eaten by wolves.
All right.
I'm open, okay? I'm open.
- Really? - Yes, yes.
Wide open.
I'm wide open.
Then strap it down and tuck it in, 'cause we got a space molester to catch.
And that's the first dick joke, I think.
(Josh) John Wayne to Gacy.
John Wayne to Gacy.
The mustard is on the hot dog.
(Billy) Copy.
Yellow mustard or spicy brown? The spicy brown.
Always the spicy brown.
What is it with that? It's just so much better on a hot dog than the yellow kind.
It's a deli freshness.
(Billy) Wait a second.
What's that moving in the trees? - There he is! - Prepare to get blown! Away! You alien perv! Suck on this, you alien bastard! [groaning] I'm taking fire! And he's offering me lemonade! (slo-mo voice) No (slo-mo voice) He's fingering my asshole! [laughter] Yeah.
Um, you guys need any Do you guys need any pitches for the next scene at all? - We'll do this.
- [Speaking Swedish] [Both laughing] (Josh) Hey, thanks for standing guard, buddy.
Hey, listen, once in a while, it's good to take a piss in the woods.
Yeah, I wish I could tell you it was just a piss.
No (Connor) So keep on straight, guys.
We're gonna shoot the next scene at the fire road.
Cool beans, covered in awesome sauce.
[howling] There are the wolves, right on cue.
No, no, those aren't wolves.
- Those are coyotes.
- Well, whatever they are.
As long as they eat us and put an end to this night, I'll be happy.
Hey, would you rather be eaten by a wolf or raped in prison? Josh, come on.
That's a no-brainer.
And yet I have no idea which you would prefer.
[coyote yips and howls] - That was much closer.
- Much closer.
No, so much closer.
Now, judging by your fear I take it that you're leaning toward prison rape? (Josh) When I was kid, I used to lie on the ground and just stare up at the stars and think to myself: "One of these days, I'm gonna have actual sex with an actual woman.
" Did it ever happen? No.
But I know it will.
I just know it will.
[Ly howls like a coyote] (Josh) Oh, oh! God, you dick.
(Billy) Hey, how many more shots do we have to - Where'd the camera guy go? - I don't know.
Hey, uh What's his name again? - I don't know.
- Uh, camera guy? Camera guy! Camera guy! - You want to call Connor? - Yeah, I'm gonna call him.
Hey, Connor? Hey, it's Billy.
Cameraman seems to have gotten turned around or something.
Do you see him on the monitors? (Connor) Yeah, he must've got turned around, Billy.
Listen, mate, why don't you start heading back to base camp? I think we got everything we need.
It sounds like the batteries on your coms are getting low? Okay, so is it down this path? (Connor) Yeah, that's right, mate.
[stuttering] What, I'm sorry.
Could you repeat? [imitating bad reception] Ale tss okay? Pack everything up.
Get Gary in position.
We're gonna move in two, all right? Gary? Move? Who's Gary? Why are we moving? You ever think how ridiculously easy our lives are? I mean, you come home.
You flip on a light.
If it's cold, you put the heat on.
Actually, I do.
I think about that kind of stuff all the time.
- Oh, shut up.
- No, seriously.
Sometimes I'll just, like, take an hour and reflect upon the idea of, like, all the crazy, grisly, horrible ways I could've died if I'd been born a hundred years earlier.
World War I.
- By my own men.
- Yeah.
You know as weird as this experience is who knows, maybe the sketch'll cut together.
But even if it doesn't, there's something to be said for having weird experiences every now and then, you know? And I'm glad I trusted you.
I love you too.
(Josh) Wait a second.
- Where's the base camp? - Huh? This is where the base camp was.
(Billy) You sure? (Josh) Yeah, I absolutely remember this.
Ah, right.
Let me call them.
Connor? Connor, come in.
Con Batteries must be dead.
Shh! What is that? - Where? - Right there.
(Josh) What the hell is that? (Billy) Are those feet? - What is that? - I don't know.
[radio crackles] Hello, hello, hello? - Go see if they're feet.
- You go see if it's feet.
You're the adult.
Oh, now I'm the adult? Looks like it might be a sleeping homeless person.
Isn't there a thing about not waking up a sleeping homeless person? We'll do it together, okay? (Billy) Hello.
Sir, sir? - Madam? - Madam? It could be a woman.
- I'm touching him.
- Don't touch him.
I'm trying to wake him up.
I tell you what, on the count of three, we'll lift up the blanket, and there'll be nothing bad underneath it.
You can't promise that.
All right, on three.
Watch me.
(both) One, two, three.
[both screaming] [laughter] (Billy) I'm no longer open.
I am closed.
I'm boarding up the window.
Oh, so the dead guy's my fault now? This is what happens when I let you have a win.
Let me have a win? Seriously? And the Gad guarantee is bullshit.
Yes, guys, we got it, and it is hilarious.
No, Conner, you have to call the cops.
You have no idea what's out there.
There's a dead body in the woods.
What, you mean Gary? [both scream] [laughs] This was the sketch.
Guys, you were pitch-perfect, and you didn't even know it.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
But it was really, really funny.
Yeah, yeah.
A fart is funny.
Pulling down somebody's pants, that's also funny, if you're in the fourth grade.
What we do is called comedy.
That's what people who are actually funny do for a living.
Oh, and by the way, this is Billy Crystal, and he has earned the right to be in on the joke.
So pack up your shit, get in the van, and get the hell out of here.
You are fired.
We have to ride in the van.
With us in the van, obviously.
You have anything else to add to this dick? No, you pretty much covered it all.
- Hey, Mitch.
- Yeah? You will direct the rest of this episode.
- Okay with you? - Absolutely okay with me.
Oh, and by the way, Connor, you might learn a little thing or two from this guy.
He may not be a "visionary" or "genius," but he's a decent human being, and we will gladly settle for a little less talent - Guys, Josh, thank you Josh - Yeah We're gonna work on your inspirational speeches.
I thought it was pretty good.
A lot of it was really wonderful.
Let's please.
Sad clown, take off your mask The night is over as are the laughs Sad clown, I'm just too tired I get it.
- Hey, Josh.
- Mm-hmm? You were great tonight.
In a fake sketch that'll never air.
Thank you.
I wasn't talking about the sketch.
[farts] [farts] I'm sorry.
It was right there.
[groans] Oh, and now it's right here.
- Whoa.
- Are you gonna puke? If you puke, it'll be the single greatest night of my life.
[laughing] I'm so sorry.
[coughs] [laughing] Oh, God.
Oh, no.
[both cough, retch]