The Cool Kids (2018) s01e13 Episode Script

Sid's First Relationship

1 There she is.
I can't believe you still volunteering at that airport information desk.
I mean, what are those things even for? I'm gonna speak slowly so that you can follow this.
Information desks give people information.
Well, they should be called "admit you're an idiot" desk.
I mean, it's a airport.
They got signs everywhere.
If you want to know where Gate 5 is, guess what it's between Gate 4 and Gate 6, idiot.
You know what, Hank? Some people enjoy helping others.
I'm not surprised you don't get it.
You're only out for yourself.
But I help people.
I help people all the time.
Well, just now I was helping you realize your job was stupid.
I actually admire Hank.
- Thank you, Charlie.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah, most people would feel guilty about being so openly selfish.
But not this guy.
Actually, Hank, can you name the last time you really helped somebody? Well, um, I helped someone, uh Well, y-you remember that time when-when-when Well, just the other day, I, uh Hey, look, here comes Sid.
SID: Wow.
I cannot remember the last time someone walked me to the door - after a date.
- Really? So you can't remember our last date and all the dates before that? [ALARM BLARING] The alarm goes off if the door's propped open.
They're really strict about the AC here.
Mm.
Makes sense.
AC is expensive.
Especially when it's so hot.
Call me later.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I won't.
Only time will tell.
Toodles.
CHARLIE: Wow.
You are really into that guy.
Who, John? [LAUGHS]: Yes, John.
You're head over heels.
Which is a shorter distance for you than for most, but still, it's really sweet.
When do we get to meet him? Well, I'm playing it cool.
[ALL LAUGH] That's playing it cool? There are cooler guys in my model train club.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
We're keeping it casual.
Or I should say "caszh" because "casual" is not caszh enough.
J-Just calm down.
We're-we're just happy for you.
I mean, me and you both in a relationship? This is this is huge.
[STAMMERS] Who said "relationship"? Did you say that? Don't say No-Nobody's saying that.
Don't say that! [LAUGHS] Sid, you're acting like you've never been in a relationship before.
[EXHALES] You've never been in a relationship before? Sid is a confirmed bachelor, just like my Uncle Ray and his roommate Christopher.
I knew he wasn't sleeping on that futon.
I can't believe you've never been in a relationship, Sid.
Of course, I barely know you.
[LAUGHS] But still.
Well, I mean, not a real one.
Well, unless you count that 25-year marriage to a woman.
Which I don't, because that was based on a lie.
Oh, dear.
What was the lie? I'm gay, sweetie.
Catch up.
I'm just not good at relationships.
Commitment scares me.
The other day, John asked me about my weekend plans, and I sent him a GIF of a fat, clapping baby.
Can Kathleen and I give you some advice from a perfect couple that has stood the test of time? Oh, lord.
You've been dating for three weeks.
I have milk older than that.
Kathleen and I more than understand the thrill of the chase, the games.
But when you stop with the games and you take the leap, that's where the good stuff is.
KATHLEEN: Now we're calling ourselves - "Charleen.
" - Yeah.
That's a combination of Charlie and Kathleen.
You're just brilliant.
I'm wild about you.
Now, Sid, if you just want to hit it and quit it, that's fine.
I've been known to, uh, toot it and scoot it.
Tap it and scrap it.
Hump it and bump it.
But it seems like you really like this John.
I really, really do.
But it's ju Can we just talk about something more fun, like race relations? Okay, Sid, this is really simple.
When you're with John, how does he make you feel? He makes me feel like cake.
- And I love cake.
- Well, then, you better tell John exactly how you feel before you lose that man cake.
Cake man? And you are giving out information at the airport.
[JET ENGINE WHIRRING] [SIGHS]: I'm a hollow reed.
Trouble blows right through me.
Are you okay? No, I'm fine.
I'm just meditating.
I was starting to think you were scared of planes.
[LAUGHS]: Oh! Why would you think that? Well, every time one flies overhead, you do that "hollow reed" thing.
[CHUCKLES] Way off base there, Mitch.
Well, good news, Margaret.
You are gonna have some help at the help desk.
We've got a new volunteer.
Oh, good.
Oh, crap.
What are you doing here? When you said I don't help people, you were right.
And I need you to be wrong, so now I'm a servant of the people, baby.
Step right up, stupid people who need obvious information about the airport.
- [JET ENGINE WHIRRING] - I am a hollow reed.
Trouble blows right through me.
I am a hollow reed.
Oh, that sounded really big.
[WHIMPERING] Is this a menopause thing? What? No.
I'm just I'm a little I'm scared of planes.
Then why are you working at the airport? - This is where the planes live.
- [GRUNTS] My daughter's graduating from beauty school this weekend in Boston, and I promised her that I would be there, so that's why I'm working here.
This is called immersion therapy.
I just inch a little closer to my fear every single day, and then, eventually, I will set f-foot on a - a plane.
- [JET ENGINE WHIRRING] - [LAUGHS] - [MARGARET SIGHS] Oh, stop laughing.
This is why I didn't tell anybody.
Listen, girl, I'm gonna help you, because that's what I do now.
Excuse me, where's Gate 5? Probably between Gate 4 and Gate 6, genius! - Another satisfied customer.
- [MARGARET EXHALES] Charlie, please help me.
How do I get - what you and Kathleen have? - [SIGHS, SCOFFS] [LAUGHS]: Well, that's like asking to have what Pac-Man and Ms.
Pac-Man have.
No, you-you got to start by opening up, Sid.
Um, here, practice on me.
I'm Pretend I'm John.
- Okay.
John - Mm-hmm.
[GROANS] I don't know, this is hard.
[LAUGHS]: Well, if you can't say it to me, you'll never be able to say it to John.
You're right.
Okay, here goes.
- John - Mm-hmm.
- I like you.
- Mm-hmm.
I like you a lot.
And I want to be your boyfriend.
- Pass.
- What? What? What? No, why did you do that? Well, what's the point of practicing if you can't do worst-case scenario? He could say no? Uh, yeah.
That's the leap.
I mean, you're putting your heart out there.
It could get kicked in the balls.
[WHIMPERS] I-I can't ask John to be my boyfriend if I don't know he's gonna say yes.
- There has to be another way.
- Uh-huh, well, there isn't.
Unless we lure him into a bar under false pretenses, I strike up a conversation with him and ask him if he's sweet on somebody.
Great.
Let's do something like that.
[CHUCKLES] "Let's do something like that.
" I just offer you a fully-formed, foolproof plan, and it's "Let's do something like that.
" Wow.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] - There he is.
- Yeah.
Look at him, standing there so tall and strong.
- [CHUCKLES] - I want to climb that man like a redwood.
Well, yeah, he does look nice.
He doesn't even look pissed that you called him down here - and canceled on him.
- Do you really think you can find out if John like-likes me? Just relax, Sid.
I worked corporate espionage for years.
If I can get the dirt on Sully Sullenberger, I can get the dirt on this.
You know, he aimed for those geese.
[CHARLIE CLEARS THROAT] Thank you.
So, which branch of the military? - Air Force.
- [CHUCKLES] What gave it away, the posture? Yeah.
No, the pectorals.
I can always tell a military man from the pectorals.
Ah.
Ah.
How do you know when you like-like someone? Are you still talking to me? No, I'm talking to these empty stools.
Yes, silly, I am talking to you.
I've got the hots for someone, and I can't tell if it's more than that.
So, what-what would you do in that situation? Could you just rattle off, say, three things that you would do? Is there someone I could call for you? Come on.
If two strangers can't talk about love, the bad guys won.
Look, I'm flattered, but I'm taken.
[SIGHS] Did you hear that? [LAUGHS] - He is taken.
- Mm-hmm.
- That means I took him.
- Yep.
He's like Liam Neeson, or I'm like Liam Neeson.
I can never remember the plot of that thing.
Oh, this is great.
This is great.
This means that I can take the leap, and John is gonna catch me.
- What's the matter? - Oh, um Well, you know, I wasn't hitting on him.
[LAUGHS] But if I was I'm cute, right? [HANK GRUNTING] All right, we're through security.
- Just a half a block more.
- Ooh, ooh-ee.
Okay.
Okay.
I think you've gotten me close enough to the planes for one day.
I think I'm breaking out in hives, and I have a severe case of under-boob sweat.
Uh, I-I think I need to find a Purell station.
Aren't you supposed to take me to my gate? I'm gonna miss my flight.
Your gate's right there, Brendan.
Damn! No wonder your parents are sending you to math camp.
MARGARET: Okay, I need a break.
We're getting too close to the planes.
They're so so big and slow on the ground and so fa-fast, so fast up in the air.
Now you talking crazy.
I'm gonna give you some immersion therapy right now.
You gonna take this kid to his gate.
Brendan, hold this woman's hand for support.
- MARGARET: Oh.
- I'm eight! It's not for you, Brendan! Damn! Now I'm gonna go charge my phone and get a chair massage.
W-Well, Hank, you're supposed to be helping me.
I am helping you.
Get your life together! Bye.
Oh, so close to plane.
[LAUGHS] So itchy.
[SIGHS] Why are you so scared of planes anyway? You know you're more likely to be in a car crash, right? Oh, wow, Brendan.
I never heard of that.
You got any more Snapple cap wisdom for me? Let me ask you this.
Have you ever known anybody that was in a car crash? - Yeah.
- That's right, because you can walk away from them.
You can't survive a plane crash.
You have to stare death in the face as you plummet out of the sky and then you smash into the ground.
Oh.
I would be a pancake.
You would be a mist.
[BRENDAN WHIMPERS] [DOORBELL RINGS] - Surprise! - Ah.
I thought before we went to dinner, we could enjoy this cake.
Wow.
I've never had cake as an appetizer before.
Well, I made it for us because I have something I need to talk to you about.
Ooh, how do I do this? Uh, oh, I'm I'm just gonna be direct.
John, as you may or may not know, many cultures celebrate special moments with cake.
- S Sid.
- I think it was the late, great Harriet Tubman - who said cake is - Sid, I have to break things off.
What? But aren't you taken? Look, when you, uh, stood me up last night, it just hit home for me that I can never get a read on you.
Every time I mention the future, you send me a fat, clapping baby.
That's not true! One time, the baby was riding a Roomba.
Remember the Roomba one? [LAUGHS] Yeah.
I do remember.
I had just asked you if you wanted to meet my family.
Look, you obviously see us as casual, which is fine, and, um, a-a job popped up for me, and so I'm gonna go to Atlanta for a few months.
I leave tonight on the red-eye.
Okay, uh I get it.
Got to chase that paper.
Hotlanta! Same page.
Super casual.
Bye, Sid.
Later, skater! I made that cake for myself! [SOBBING] [KNOCKING] CHARLIE: Oh, thank you for coming.
He has been like this for hours.
SID: I keep thinking the pain will subside, but it gets worse because I deserve Oh, Sid.
Why don't you try a less complicated sentence? Okay.
Why? Oh This is your first real breakup, too.
Isn't it just the worst? Doesn't it feel like you're dead, only you're still alive? But 90-ten dead.
[CRYING]: Not helping, Charlie! Just empathize! I am! I mean, John rejected me, too, you know.
[KNOCKING] Sid, you've texted me 15 crying babies, each one fatter than the last.
What is going on? I didn't get your texts.
My phone was in airplane mode.
By the way, I'm working at the airport now, y'all.
I ran John off with my games.
I never told him how I felt, and now he's flying to Atlanta.
He's flying? Oh, God, he's gonna be dead soon anyway.
HANK: Enough! I have been silent long enough.
You had been silent for 30 seconds, tops.
I know you don't think that I am helpful or sensitive or even nice in any traditional way, but y'all about to get a face-full of old Hank right now.
Sid, you didn't even try to tell John how you really felt about him.
If that man makes you feel like cake, you got to let him know! But, Hank, it's too late.
He's flying to Atlanta.
His plane leaves in literally an hour.
You waited 65 years to get into a relationship with a man, now you can't do a little long-distance? Wipe your face and get your big little ass up off that couch, and go on and get your man! You could've just said, "Get yourself off that couch.
" No need to talk about my ass.
But you're right.
Let's go to the airport.
Oh, I'll drive! I like driving.
[LAUGHS] Plus, you're the only one that has a car.
Oh, right.
I just freaking love us.
Well, looks like you got this all under control, so I'll just stay here and keep jamming on this cake.
Like hell you will.
If I'm helping y'all, I'm doing it all at once to get it over with.
- Come on, girl.
- [STAMMERS] [ADMONISHING YELL] This is John's gate.
But he's not here.
He must already be on the plane.
Oh, well, we're too late.
Sorry, Sid.
But love comes around all the time.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna get out of this that easy, you chicken.
The plane's still here.
And with our red vests, we can walk right on.
Yoo-hoo! Information man, could you point me towards baggage claim? Can you point me toward the most annoying woman in the world? Oh, that's right.
I just found her! Whoa.
Did you just yell at this woman? Look, I've never had to fire a volunteer worker before, but um yeah, stop coming here for free.
And I'm gonna need that vest.
You can take this non-job, and you can shove it.
Ma'am, baggage claim is this way.
Thank you.
They're about to close the doors.
Well, it's all up to you now, Margaret.
You're the only one that can get on that plane and look for John.
[BREATHING DEEPLY] Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
- No! - Wait, wait, wait, wait! Margaret.
I need you.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
[NERVOUS LAUGHING] I'm I'm okay.
You'll tell us if we're gonna take off, right? Okay [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Oh.
Hey, John.
Cake man.
- [COMPARTMENT CLOSES LOUDLY] - Oh, God, did we just die?! Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Hi.
I'm a hollow reed.
Trouble blows right through me.
Is there someone I could call for you? Sid is here.
[DOOR OPENS] I did it.
I did it! I got on a friggin' airplane! [LAUGHS] Oh, and also, John is here.
Sid, what's going on? I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago.
- Really, dating back to the '60s.
- Sid.
They're holding the plane.
Uh, I-I was playing it cool.
And I'm sorry.
- The truth is - No, no, it-it I've never been in a relationship before, - and I was scared.
- Wait.
You've never been in a relationship before? John, they're holding the plane.
Maybe I was scared my whole life, or maybe I've just never met someone like you before.
- Sir, the plane is leaving.
- Yeah.
I-I want to be with you.
I'll do long-distance.
Uh, whatever it takes.
I want to be with you, too.
Let's do long-distance.
[LAUGHING] I'll call you when we land.
And I'll-I'll put you in my telephone as "boyfriend.
" I'm in a relationship, y'all! Oh.
Congratulations, Sid.
Doesn't it feel good? Yes, it [RETCHES] It's okay.
It's a happy puke.
So, this is gonna be my first trip to Boston.
I'm really excited to see my daughter, but I want to take in some of the sights, too.
I mean, it's Beantown, baby.
[EXAGGERATED BOSTON ACCENT]: Fenway Pahk.
Pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd.
[LAUGHS] [SIGHS] You know, these seats feel really solid.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Flight crew, prepare for takeoff.
[SCREAMING] Humans don't belong in the sky! This is a mass grave, make no mistake! We all bought one-way tickets to hell!