The Cool Kids (2018) s01e18 Episode Script

Sid's Ex-Wife

1 All right, I'm getting my list together for my annual Costco trip: cheese doodles, cheese balls, cheese puffs, cheese curls What am I missing? Cheese.
What would I do without you? Not have cheese.
Fleetwood Mac! Oh, this is fun.
Are we just hollering out band names? Sugar Ray! No, no, no.
Remember, I got you, me, and Charlie tickets to the Fleetwood Mac farewell tour for tonight.
Oh, yay, so much fun.
I can't go.
My ex-wife Bonnie is coming in from Texas to meet John.
But I did pay you for the tickets, didn't I? - No, you didn't.
- Oh, thank God.
But we're still going, right, Margaret? I mean, I lent Christine McVie a sweater back in 1972.
- I'd like to get it back.
- Well, yes, we're going.
I cleaned out my daughter's college fund to pay for these tickets.
I mean, she's 35 years old.
I think that ship has sailed.
Anyway, I'm gonna go check out the Shady Meadows van, - and we should be good to go.
- HANK: Uh, sorry, Margaret, the big van has been checked out by the big man.
I'm going to Costco.
Ooh, that reminds me.
Here's five dollars.
Would you get me a hundred pairs of socks? Tube.
But, Hank, this is great.
Sid just bailed.
You can take his ticket and drive us to Fleetwood Mac.
Fleetwood Mac? I hate that guy.
It's not a guy, it's a group.
All right.
I hate those guys.
Oh, come on, Hank.
Please? My daughter was conceived at a Fleetwood Mac concert.
That's why her middle name is Tusk.
Anyway, it's their farewell tour, and they're my favorite band of all time.
All right, but we going shopping first.
And I get 80% of all your free samples.
Okay, 70%.
I'm not a monster.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh! Bonnie is already here.
Oh, I hope she and John get along.
It may be a rom-com cliché, but I want my ex-wife and my boyfriend to like each other.
There's my little man.
(LAUGHS) You come here, you munchkin.
Get yourself a face full of Bonbon.
(SID GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) I forgot how much air I need just to hug you.
(BOTH LAUGH) Are those hugs going around the table? 'Cause I can hold my breath an awfully long time.
MARGARET: Check me out.
- My Stevie Nicks outfit still fits.
- Whoa.
Course, then again, I guess blousy witch clothing - always does.
- (BOTH LAUGH) So, are you ready to party? Oh, yeah, I am.
I got us covered.
I got some weed gummies and some joints.
- (CHUCKLES): Mm-hmm.
- And some weed gummies and some joints.
- I started already.
- (LAUGHS) I'm packing a bunch of airplane tequila bottles.
It's my last chance to see Fleetwood Mac and I am gonna be lit.
All right, before we head out, I've laid down some ground rules for the Shady Meadow van.
Since when does the Shady Meadows van have rules? Patty Soupkins checks it out every single week so she and her boyfriend can have sex out there in the parking lot.
Well, that may be, but I just got my van privileges back after that unfortunate incident where, through no fault of my own, I drove a golf cart through the wall in the dining hall.
No food in the van.
No drink in the van.
No loud talking in the van.
Come on, Hank.
We're going to a concert, not a church retreat.
Don't ruin this for me.
We should be cutting loose.
Who knows? I might take my top off and let the girls breathe.
(CHUCKLES) CHARLIE: Yeah, come on, Hank, chill out.
You're harshing our buzz.
Nobody should be buzzing in this van.
Unless y'all plan on bringing bees.
No bees.
And, uh, definitely no drugs.
My van, my rules.
- Okay, you got it.
- Yeah, we don't we don't have anything.
M-Music is our drug.
Don't make me frisk you two.
I will be thorough, but I will not be gentle.
That's all of it.
You are going to love John.
He is so handsome and smart.
He was on Jeopardy! once.
That's right, front row of the audience.
Well, you keep going on and on and on about him.
I'm almost just a little bit extremely jealous.
There he is.
Ooh! My boyfriend is meeting my wife.
I feel so French.
Bonnie, meet Johnny.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Wow! You're a knockout.
I know.
- And you're not so bad yourself.
- Thanks.
Isn't he cute? John just moved back from a very prestigious job in Atlanta.
- Ah - Tell her about your prestigious job, John.
I worked at the CDC as a caterer.
Oh, I love Atlanta.
Yeah, we, uh, went there for our anniversary last year.
Wait, you guys still celebrate your anniversary? - Every year.
- (CHUCKLES): What? Yeah, we make a great team.
- Hmm Ah.
- Yeah, we were cheerleaders together in high school.
I was the base of the pyramid and he was the top.
I've had a lot of great times on top of this lady.
- If only! - (BOTH LAUGH) Ah! Oh, oh Oh, isn't he hilarious? Oh, wait, watch this.
Hey, Sid, make a funny face.
Uh (GRUNTING) BONNIE (LAUGHING): Oh, my God, gold! 24-karat gold! You guys get along so well together, it's almost a shame that you ever got divorced.
Oh, yeah well, we're not.
No, we're still married.
I'm sorry, what? So, I guess I'm a little confused.
You two are still married? Well, define "married.
" Being married.
Oh, well, then, yes.
Ooh, you're jealous.
You feel like my mistress.
My dirty little side piece.
Uh, the Marilyn to my JFK.
I am not jealous.
And between the two of us, you are definitely the Marilyn.
And that is why we work.
Look, I know my relationship with Bonnie is unconventional, - but it works for us.
- (GROANS) Changing that would hurt her.
I feel I've already hurt her enough.
- What are you talking about? - I feel guilty that I pretended to be straight for decades.
She thought she was getting G.
Joe, but she got Malibu Ken.
Well, don't you think you're hurting her by keeping her stuck in the past? I mean, has she even had a relationship since you? Not really.
Well, there was this one really great guy, but he dumped her when he found out we were still married.
Oh - Oh - Sid.
I don't want to force you to do anything that you don't want to do.
- But don't you think - No, no, no.
You're right.
We should have done this a long time ago.
I'm gonna ask her for a divorce.
You don't happen to have a helmet, do you? She's got a Southern temper, I got a soft head.
What the hell, Hank? I thought you said it was gonna be a quick trip to Costco.
That took forever.
We watched you get an eye exam.
Can we at least turn on some music - and get this party started? - HANK: You got it.
(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Maybe at a volume that humans can hear? Oh, sure.
I turn the music up, then I start doing a little dance in the front seat.
Next thing you know, we're plummeting off a bridge to our death.
And on top of all of that, I lose my Shady Meadow van privileges.
This sucks, right? Big time.
We have no tequila, we have no weed, we're gonna miss the opening act 'cause Grandpa Moses up there won't go over 35.
All right, brace yourselves, everybody.
We may be coming to a speed bump.
You know, I think I can solve one of those problems.
I have a a secret stash of gummies.
Oh, my God, Charlie, this is amazing.
A little less amazing that you pulled it out of your crotch, but I'm desperate.
Yeah, they should be nice and warm.
Yeah, they're a little too warm.
Are you okay? What's going on back there? Y'all eating? You know the rules.
No eating in the van.
I am not gonna let him ruin this night.
Here, Hank, want some candy? Uh, yeah.
Amendment to that previous rule: the driver's allowed to eat.
(CLEARS THROAT) Especially candy.
It's nice and warm.
But he's driving.
It's one little gummy it won't even kick in till we get there.
(CHUCKLES) - (SIGHS) - Oh, crap.
What is going on with your feet, Bonnie? I've never seen a pedicurist tap out before.
Oh, come on, honey.
You know me.
My toes are like a carton of eggs.
All 12 went bad at the same time.
Now, Sid, you said you wanted to talk to me about something.
What is it? Why don't we whip up some juleps and I'll rub your shoulders first? (LAUGHS): Aw Are you trying to knock me up again? Ha! You, madam, are a card.
And that card, madam, is the Joker, which is the funniest of the cards.
However, you're also my queen.
(CHUCKLES) Pick a card, any card.
Oh, regardless, you are aces.
Come on, Sid.
Spit it out.
I know when you're stalling.
I think we should get a divorce.
Hmm Is that a good "hmm" or a bad "hmm"? Oh, I think it's a bad "hmm.
" You don't want to be married to me? Oh, my God, I'm gonna faint.
- The walls are closing in.
- (SHATTERS) Bonnie, calm down, please.
- Or at least break some of my cheaper items.
- Oh, my God.
Oh! How can I calm down when you're trying to cut me out of your life? I don't want you out of my life.
- (EXCLAIMS) Then why are you saying all of this? - (ITEM SHATTERS) Because because I'm John is making me.
John? BONNIE: Oh, my God.
I shouldn't have spent all this money on this pedicure when I'm gonna break my foot off in his ass.
No, Bonnie, no.
He doesn't even live here, thank God.
Hey, it's me, John.
(SCREAMS) John told you to divorce me? - Oh, I'm gonna rip him limb from limb.
- No, no, wait, wait! I'm on your side! He does deserve a good limb-ripping.
But you just got your nails done.
So why don't you let me handle it.
You stay put.
Hey, sweetie.
Oh, so you're coming out here.
Well, I wanted to tell you the good news - What? - before we went inside.
I told Bonnie about the divorce.
And she loved it.
She is a big fan of yours, by the way.
Oh, I think you two are gonna be so much happier this way.
So much happier.
Oh, she is so friggin' happy in there.
- Okay.
- (CLICKS TONGUE) Having said that um, let's not mention the divorce.
- No? - I'm worried about her getting too happy.
Okay, um yeah, could we, um go inside, or, or are we just hallway people now? Oh, oh, dude, we are going in there so, so soon.
Just give me one sec.
I love you.
Lost a little weight? Have you? Welp, I bitched him out.
I told him to mind his own beeswax.
Long story short, he loved it.
Big fan of yours, by the way.
- Oh - Anyhoo.
Guess there's no reason to talk about the divorce now that it's been handled, but just give me one sec.
Oh, and here he comes.
(CHUCKLES) Just walked right in.
Uh, that's fine.
Little rude.
Sid, your place looks wrecked.
- Oh.
His house is wrecked? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, ironic, coming from someone like you.
- Whore.
- Oh! Okay, hold on, did I do something wrong? Yeah.
You forced him to ask for a divorce that he doesn't even want.
- What? - What are you talking about? I didn't force him to do anything.
And this is what he wants.
(HIGH-PITCHED): What?! Well, this is great.
My gummy hasn't kicked in, the concert is starting, and we're stuck here on the side of the road with this space cadet who is too high to drive.
Hank, where are the keys? Have my hands always been this huge? I got Hulk-like hands up in here.
I think I can lift this submarine.
I'm doing it! It's not even that heavy.
Did he just say submarine? Hi, fishy.
Okay, I got this.
I'm gonna talk him down.
Get those keys back.
Back in the day, I guided John Belushi, Jimi Hendrix, and Jim Morrison through some pretty gnarly waters.
Those people are all dead, Charlie.
From drug overdoses.
Hey, buddy.
I'm the captain of this vessel.
You will refer to me as "sir.
" Well, um (CLEARS THROAT) Here's the deal, sir.
Um, you may have, through no fault of your own, ingested some marijuana.
But, luckily, I am here to help.
And the submarine that you're captaining is full of snacks.
So if you want to feel better, - eat something.
- You sure? Can I get a depth reading, please? Hank, we promise, he's right.
Eating is the ticket.
- Okay, I'll eat the tickets.
- N-No! No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no.
You're right, I'm feeling better already.
There you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Yeah, I came out here to calm down and dip my feet in the pool.
But they asked me to take 'em out.
Can we talk? This is all my fault.
I should have been honest with you.
And not hid behind John.
But I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I feel like I've already ruined your life.
Is that what you think? You didn't ruin my life.
You made it great.
You made me laugh every day and you gave me a perfect son.
He is great.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you for getting me blackout drunk - all those years ago.
- Oh.
Well, that's what wives are for.
It makes me so sad that now you want me out of your life.
No, I don't want that at all.
I want you to be able to move on.
You are a mega babe.
You could still find that big love.
I just don't want to stand in your way.
And I don't want to stand in your way, either.
I mean, John is great.
And, you know, I-I think we really have been just, you know, a teensy bit codependent.
Just because we're getting a divorce doesn't mean that we won't always be family.
- (BONNIE GASPS) - I love you, Bonbon.
Will you make me the happiest man in the world and become my ex-wife? I will.
- (MUFFLED GIGGLE) - I will.
(LAUGHS) (MUFFLED YELPING, GASPING) Damn, girl! Whoo, those are lethal.
You fogged me up.
Well, I guess I'm not gonna get my sweater back from Christine McVie.
I'm not gonna get to see Fleetwood Mac - for the last time.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, technically, you did see them for the last time.
The last time you saw them.
You just didn't know that was the last time, so - This isn't helping, is it? - No.
It's not just the concert.
Just, we're getting to the point in our lives where there are gonna be a lot of last times.
I guess that's one way to look at it.
Or you could look at it as tonight was a night of first times.
First time we got Hank high.
(CHUCKLING): First time we bought a bunch of toilet paper together.
Um, first time we missed a concert because Hank ate the tickets.
You know, we're gonna have a lot of first times together.
Focus on that.
I can't focus on anything right now.
Oh, my speech blew your mind? (LAUGHING): No, my gummy just kicked in.
I found some of that Fleetwood Mac on the radio.
I finally get why you like that guy.
Wait a minute.
This isn't Fleetwood Mac.
- Oh, let him have it.
- (LAUGHS) We built this city We built this city on - (STRAINING): Fleetwood Mac! - (MARGARET LAUGHS) We built this city We built this city on rock and roll Built this city We built this city On rock and roll We built this city We built this city On rock and roll Built this city We built this city On rock and roll Built this city We built this city On rock and roll Built this city.
You take good care of my Sid.
Oh, I will, I promise.
And thank you for, you know, divorcing my boyfriend.
Well, look at these dopeheads.
Did y'all go a little cuckoo bananas? Well, I'm wearing a trash bag, so I think you can guess.
Oh, Margaret, I didn't notice.
I thought for sure you had worn that before.
All right, everybody.
I'm off to the airport.
Oh, Sid, can you believe it? I'm a single lady now.
- (BONNIE CHUCKLES) - Is that right? Well, if you need a ride, uh, I got a retirement community rental van for another hour.
No, I'm good.
What if I told you there's a 40-pound block of cheddar cheese in the back? I'll see you in the van.
(HANK LAUGHING) Sid, I love you.
- Goodbye, everybody.
(CLEARS THROAT) Is he okay to drive? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's sober now.
Which will only make the rejection harder.
Poor Hank.
Trying to please a woman who's already had the best.
Where is he going? That's pretty good.