The Cool Kids (2018) s01e22 Episode Script

The Friend-aversary

1 [AIR HORN BLOWS] [SID CHUCKLES] Y'all know what time it is? Time for me to change my shorts? No.
It's time for HANK/CHARLIE/SID: Friend-aversary! [AIR HORNS BLOWING] You guys Look at her, just dying to know what Friend-aversary is.
Oh, let me guess.
It's the anniversary of the day you guys met.
I think this calls for a reenactment of the fateful day.
Hank, would you like to set the scene? I don't think I really need a reenactment The year was 2016.
Beyoncé had just turned lemons into Lemonade.
North Korea was doing they thing.
Celebrities were dropping like flies.
And Sidney Delacroix walked into the Shady Meadow dining hall for the very first time.
And it looked a little something like this.
Wherever will I, a killer candidate for lifelong friendships, park it? Oh, no.
David Bowie and Prince, both dead.
And my phone is dying, too.
I think I have a charger that you may borrow.
No, I do not.
Hey, kid, do you have a charger? Moi? I do have a phone charger.
I do.
Oh, boy, does thing have a fast-forward? Cool.
Would you like to sit with us? Out of all the people at Shady Meadows, you chose me? I'm so honored, and I accept.
- And that is how history was made.
- Yeah.
[AIR HORNS BLOWING] [LAUGHS] Well, that was actually very sweet.
It took a long, long time, but it was very, very sweet.
And, uh, I know exactly what I'm gonna get you guys for anniversary presents: acting lessons.
So, for the anniversary dinner tomorrow night, I'll kick things off with three-layer dip, followed by thrice-baked potatoes, and then triple-fried 3 Musketeers bars! I really would like to make fun of you guys, but it just keeps getting cuter and cuter.
So, I'm in.
What's the dress code for the dinner? Well, your dress code gonna be pajamas, 'cause you ain't coming.
So you are seriously gonna have a special dinner about the friendships of this table and not invite ya girl? We'd love to, but our hands are tied.
See, the Founding Fathers don't make the rules.
Yes, they do.
Of course they do.
That's all they do! Well, I guess she's not gonna leave, so let's dive right in.
The theme of this year's Friend-aversary is "Now and Then.
" This is us "Now.
" And this is us "Then.
" Oh, man, I got ripped.
[LAUGHS] Okay, aren't we missing something critical? I should be in the "Now" picture.
Well, you were till I cut you out.
It's amazing what you can do with Photoshop.
Plus, I gave us bulges.
How are you a Founding Father if Hank and Charlie were already friends before you even sat down? Well, these guys, plus Jerry HANK/CHARLIE/SID: R.
I.
P.
They had had a few lunches, but I was the special sauce that brought this table burger together.
All right.
Well, if you're the special sauce, I should at least be the pickles.
Well, I couldn't have said that better myself.
And we all agree, burgers are nasty with pickles.
Nastier than three old men with fake bulges? And by the way, you gave yourself three balls, Sid.
Okay, where were we? Now, I've taken care of the music, the food, the decor.
Let me show you what I'm thinking about for the patio concept.
Charlie, you did book the patio, didn't you? Sid, I am offended that you would even ask.
That said, the answer is no.
Come on, Charlie.
You had one job.
Relax.
I'll reserve it now.
- Allison.
- [SNAPPING FINGERS] - Allison.
- [SNAPPING FINGERS] Allison! What? Allison, we are hereby booking the patio for tomorrow.
Well, it delights me to tell you that the patio is already booked.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
Oh.
Oh, am I smiling right now? I forgot what that feels like.
Who booked the patio? The only people I like less than you monsters: Judy and the cat ladies.
Good luck convincing her to give it to you, fellas.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHING] Well, the dinner's not dead.
We can just have it in one of our apartments.
SID: We have to have Friend-aversary on the patio! It's tradition! Plus, it's gonna take me 24 hours just to decorate! What are we gonna do?! [AIR HORN BLOWS] Thank you.
I needed that.
Oh, I wouldn't do that.
That's Jason Bourne you're about to punch, mister.
Pipe down, Dudley.
You talk to that book one more time, I'm gonna make you eat it.
Whoa, Mama's steaming from the hood.
Any chance this venom has something to do with the upcoming Friend-aversary? You know about Friend-aversary? Know about it? I lived it.
And it haunts me to this day.
Good-bye, Margaret.
Wai uh, Dudley, wait.
Don't go, don't go.
W-What are you talking about? Oh.
Usually, people want me to leave after a couple sentences.
Hank and Charlie asked me to join their table before Sid.
I was their first choice.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh, Dudley, I don't mean to insult you, sweetie, but I find that very hard to believe.
That's because you didn't know me in 2016.
I could drive at night, and my knee didn't click.
I was high on my own supply, and I turned them down.
So their whole Founding Father story isn't true? Unbelievable.
Turning them down is my greatest regret.
Now all I dream about is spending time with you guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's great to dream, isn't it? Perfect.
Sorry.
Might want to try hanging it a little higher next time.
Or you might want to knock before blasting in like the friggin' Kool-Aid Man! Sid, could you and I both agree that this whole Founding Father thing is silly? Come on, let me come to the dinner.
I would love to have you at the dinner.
I really would.
But you're not a Founding Father.
Well, technically, neither are you.
The heck you talking about? I know that you were not Hank and Charlie's first choice to sit at the table.
Oh, Margaret, what a sad lie.
So desperate to get past the velvet ropes, you'll say anything.
Wait, did you not know? [STAMMERS] You mean it's true? But what about the phone charger? What about the Founding Fathers? [CRYING]: What about the special sauce? It was all a lie? Wait ooh.
Whoa.
Ow! Ow! Sid! - [GRUNTING] - Oh, sweet Margaret.
Oh.
- [GRUNTS] - I had the most terrible dream that all my best friendships were based on a lie.
It was real? [SID WHIMPERS, MARGARET SHOUTS] [CAT YOWLS] Ooh.
[CATS MEOWING] Oh, dear God.
- Shut the door.
- Shut the door.
Afternoon, uh, Judy, other cat ladies [MEOWS] cats.
Hank, what are you doing here? You hate cats.
What, us? What?! - Judy, you crazy.
- [LAUGHS]: Yeah.
Yeah, we think it's weird when there's not 22 cats in a room.
Listen, uh, Judy, we need a favor, but first, we want to give you this little - token of our respect.
- Yeah.
CHARLIE: Primo catnip, and we brought it for the cats but, uh, there you go, she's eating it.
HANK: So, uh, you guys booked the patio for tomorrow, but, see, we need it for our - Friend-aversary dinner.
- Yeah.
- Friend-aversary? [CHUCKLES] - Mm-hmm.
That sounds ridiculous.
[LAUGHS] Well, what are you using it for? Caturday Night Fever, a disco-themed dance party for cats.
Great.
And I can assume none of you gals are married? This is kind of "Kevin's thing," so you're gonna have to ask Kevin.
Well, who the hell is Kevin? So, uh what's up, Kevin? No, no, no, no, no.
Face-to-face.
[GROANS]: Oh, man.
Uh Hey, there, uh Kevin.
You're looking good.
Your fur is on point.
What, you been hitting the salmon? Listen, uh, it'd really be great if you could let us have the patio tomorrow, so I can party with my friends.
Are we waiting for him to answer or? Oh, Kevin says he wants a kiss to seal the deal.
I ain't kissing no damn cat, man.
Kiss the cat, Hank.
JUDY: [GASPS] Oh.
Oh.
The patio is yours, gentlemen.
- Hot damn! - You're the man, Kevin.
All right.
And now Kevin wants a kiss from mommy.
Let's get the hell out of here.
- Oh - WOMAN: Close the door.
- Hey, Sid.
- Hey, Sid, great news.
- Friend-aversary is on.
- Yeah.
Friend-aversary is off! What are you talking about? I just kissed a tuna-breath cat.
I got whiskers in my teeth.
Well, Margaret told me everything.
[SCOFFS] I was your second choice to sit at the table? Oh, Sid, it is no big deal.
Just because we asked Dudley before you What?! You went to Dudley before me?! - What is happening right now? - CHARLIE: Oh, Sid, take it easy, okay? You're gonna faint.
Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Well, I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction.
[BODY HITS FLOOR] Well, Margaret, you got what you wanted.
You ruined Friend-aversary.
What holiday you gonna ruin next? What, you gonna boil the Easter Bunny? You gonna kick Santa in the sack? Are you actually gonna blame this on me for telling Sid about the lie that you told him two years ago that you didn't tell me not to tell him that I didn't know was a lie that he didn't know? She's trying to confuse us, Hank.
Stand your ground.
You know, lost in all of this is the fact that I had to kiss a cat for nothing, because of you.
I want to know who you gonna kiss to make this right? 'Cause it ain't gonna be me.
Sorry, I am not interested.
'Sup, y'all? I'm just here to set up for the party.
HANK: Wait.
Friend-aversary is on? You want me to go bring the, uh, 3 Musketeerses? Oh, I'm not setting up for Friend-aversary.
I'm setting up for Caturday Night Fever.
So once you get those 3 Musketeerseses, why don't you feed 'em to your butt? And, Margaret, would you like to be my plus one? Oh, Sid, that sounds great because you know how much I love being invited to stuff.
So you're just gonna ditch us to hang out with a bunch of cat ladies? Meow, meow, bitches.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING] [CHUCKLES] How fun is this? Yeah, I'm actually starting to have a pretty good Oh, this sucks, Sid.
I mean, I know we're trying to prove a point to Hank and Charlie, but this is a freak show.
- You don't even like cats.
- I love cats.
I've never been happier, with the love of these beautiful little crea - [CAT YOWLS] - Ow! Damn you, you dick! We have so much fun together.
- We don't need Sid.
- Mm-mm.
We can throw our party without him.
Although he does handle the decorations, music and the food, it's really our stimulating conversation that makes our party great.
[SIGHS] Yup.
[DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES] Oh, come on, Margaret.
If we're not dancing, it's gonna look like we're not having fun to Hank and Charlie.
- [LAUGHS] - Oh, Sid, you don't have to do this.
I mean, is it really that big of a deal that you were their second choice? Yes, it is.
When I walked up to that table, I felt butterflies in my tummy, but to them, I was just some rando with a phone charger.
I realize now those guys never felt about me the way that I felt about them.
My heart is broken, Margaret! Guys, you really need Sid back, and he definitely needs you.
He thinks your whole friendship isn't real because it started with a lie, so you need to prove to him how important he is to you.
Now, before you say no, I just want you BOTH: We're in.
Well, that was easy.
I got your text.
I'm still not speaking to you guys, but on the off chance Bradley Cooper is really here you have my full attention.
Places! [BOTH GRUNT] "In the beginning, "Charlie and Hank thought they were happy, but something was missing.
" "Hank, I think I'm happy, but something is missing.
" "Should we let Dudley sit at our table?" "That's a stupid idea, Charlie.
You stupid.
" "But wait a minute.
Look over there.
" - "Who.
" - "Is.
" "That?" Oh! [IMITATING SID]: "I am Sidney Lafayette Delacroix, and I have nowhere to sit.
" "Maybe we should ask this awesome guy to sit with us.
" "Now, wait a minute.
That depends.
"It's true, we have a seat at our table, "but before we ask you to sit with us, we have some questions.
Are you funny as hell?" "Yes.
" "Are you a wizard with a casserole?" "Yes.
" "And is your style always on point?" "Oh, friggin' hell yes!" "Well, then, please, have a seat.
" CHARLIE: "Oh, no, Hank, what's that feeling in my stomach? Bad clams?" "No, Charlie, those are butterflies.
Friendship butterflies.
" You guys, you really mean all that? Sure do.
You know, uh, something I never told you about that day, Sid.
When we were charging my phone, I kept unplugging it 'cause I didn't want you to go.
Yup, Charlie and I are like two dying phones.
[CHUCKLES] And whenever our power gets too low, - 10% or below - Yeah.
you charge us up.
You not only had a charger that day, - you were the charger.
- Oh.
This is the sweetest thing anybody has ever done for me.
And, Margaret, I didn't think I'd ever say this, but in some very odd way, you're turning me on.
Oh, uh, I'm really proud of the three of you.
[CHUCKLES] Now could I please take off this stupid wig and get these three tennis balls out of my pants? Uh, well, our play's not over yet.
- Um, Charlie.
- Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT] "'Cause even with the addition of Sid, the third piece of the group still was not complete.
" What are you guys talking about? "Hi, I'm Margaret.
I'm going to sit here, whether you like it or not.
" Aw! You guys included me.
[LAUGHS] "On first impression, I do not like you, but you will grow on me.
" CHARLIE: "You're going to grow on all of us.
That's right.
"You're the new chapter of our story.
We're sorry we didn't include you.
" [MARGARET CHUCKLES] "I'm lucky to be in this amazing group, considering I'm a huge pain in the ass.
" - Hank wrote the script.
- MARGARET: Yes.
I figured.
The end.
[QUIET LAUGHTER] Margaret, this is your official invite to the Friend-aversary dinner.
Oh, well, I'll think about it.
I'm in.
- [LAUGHS] - Can I come, too? Go hang with the cat ladies, Dudley! I wish.
Too much bad blood.
I really ran through those broads back in 2016.