The Crown (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Queen's critic is at it again! Peer attacks the Queen! Thank you.
Queen's critic! Queen's critic is at it again! - Good morning, Jack.
- Good morning, sir.
I'll take one of each this morning, please.
- And the Sunday as well.
- Oh, a bit of light reading, eh? That's right.
Queen's critic is at it again! Peer attacks the Queen! No, I shan't have anything.
Sorry, dear.
- I think he's right.
- Do you? Yeah.
Now I think about it, she is a bit priggish.
Here he comes, here he comes.
There he is.
- Please, gentlemen.
- Don't push.
- Lord Altrincham? - Yes.
You traitor! Really? Really? Really? Well, I shall certainly let Her Majesty know.
Thank you.
Time and tide, Mr.
Conservator.
Wait for no man, Private Secretary.
- Good afternoon to you.
- Good afternoon, sir.
What is it now? Lord Altrincham has been struck.
Dumb, I hope.
Better than that, ma'am.
In the face.
Quite forcefully, I'm told.
By whom? Which gallant and chivalrous individual? Afraid we don't have those details yet, ma'am.
The incident occurred outside the television studios, and the perpetrator is now on his way to the Bow Street Police Station, where we expect him to be released without charge.
How very gratifying.
Yes.
Very.
Which television studios? The Independent Television Network Studios, ma'am, where Altrincham had just recorded an interview.
For what? A program appropriately called Impact.
When will it air? Tonight, ma'am.
Nine o'clock.
Tell the people.
Tell them on television.
Questions in the public mind, answered by people in the public eye.
This is Impact, the program that examines the most important matters of the moment - and brings the debate to you at home.
- Sorry I'm late.
Robin Day puts the questions.
It's just starting.
Tonight, we have a man who, because of press activity in recent days, probably needs no introduction, Lord Altrincham.
In the space of just a few days, his inflammatory and deeply personal attacks on the Queen in a periodical of which he is also publisher, have become the most pressing issue of the day and caused something of a constitutional crisis.
So, I'd like to begin by asking Lord Altrincham a simple question.
She's our head of state, loved, respected and admired throughout the world, so why do you hate her so very much? National and English Review, two shillings! Your National and English Review! - Morning, Fred! - Good morning, sir.
National and English Review, two shillings! far too long.
People are beginning to notice, and that is why the And that is why the ending of doctrinal tests and the introduction of women priests is the only viable solution for saving the Church of England, an institution that is becoming increasingly outdated and irrelevant hour by hour.
Who's got a thousand words for me on that? - Hello, Patricia.
- Would anyone like some toffee? Bring it over here, Patricia darling.
- Oh, divine.
- Much like Patricia herself.
Come, come, my dear.
Be seated.
Right.
If no one's keen on the church story, I can knock something up.
Now, a piece on reforming the House of Lords.
Dermot, you were going to look at that, weren't you? - Something nutty about it? - Mm, molasses.
And Europe, we need to work out our official stance.
Are we for or against a single European market? Are we in or out? - Toffee, John? - Oh, you must try some, John.
I'm afraid I have a thing against toffee.
Why didn't I know that? You can't know everything about me.
It's not the taste I object to so much.
I just have painful memories.
As a child, I was sitting in a dentist's chair because of a piece of toffee I ate.
Mm.
Oh, Lord.
Not again.
Sorry.
I've "Perhaps you don't understand that on your steadfastness and ability to withstand the fatigue of dull, repetitive work, and your great courage in meeting constant small adversities, depend, in great measure, the happiness and prosperity of the community as a whole.
The upward course of a nation's history is due, in the long run, to the soundness of heart of its average men and women.
" Um Working men and women? It has a touch more dignity, uh No, I think "average" is fine.
Thought you might be interested to see this.
It's a draft of the speech the Queen's going to give in a week's time.
I don't mind telling you I felt a bit uneasy about it.
Sir.
Yes? Sir, forgive me if I'm interfering beyond my station - Tommy.
- Martin.
You were about to interfere beyond your station.
Uh, it's concerning the speech the Queen is due to give next week at the Jaguar car factory.
- What about it? - I was just wondering if you were happy with it.
Well, obviously I'm happy with it, or I wouldn't have shown it to Her Majesty for the approval which she immediately gave.
- Did the Queen read it? - She didn't need to.
She merely asked if I was happy.
I replied in the affirmative.
- That was good enough for Her Majesty.
- Hm.
But I can see that the really important question is, is it good enough for Colonel Charteris? You don't think it strikes the wrong tone? In which sense? In its uh, paternalism.
May I? Thank you.
I suppose if I had a concern it would be that, post-Suez, in this new climate in this new Britain the tone of the speech is somewhat Somewhat what? Old-fashioned.
And would leave her open to attack.
- From whom? - The newspapers.
People.
If I had a shilling for every time someone of a progressive or liberal disposition had warned needlessly of a popular attack against the Crown, I'd be a rich man.
The British people adore their sovereign.
It is what constitutes, indeed defines, being British.
No, the worst I've ever encountered is, uh, apathy, where people simply accept the King or Queen as they accept the sky above their heads.
But it's a long way from apathy to insurrection.
Now, as regards the newspapers, the Crown can count on their support first, there is nothing to attack.
That's the advantage of a constitutional monarchy.
They have no power so there's nothing to complain about.
And even if they wanted to, they'd always let us know first.
The palace would then threaten them with a boycott on the next major royal event, causing the newspapers immediately to back down.
Because the very people you fear will hate the Queen are the same ones who buy copies in their millions.
Why? Because they love her.
So I'm worrying unnecessarily? Martin, I shall leave the drawing of that inescapable conclusion to you.
I'm going to take it in a little shorter, ma'am, - and rounder at the back.
- Lovely.
Thank you.
I I like it very much.
Ah.
Thank you.
I thought you were hoping for more children from me.
I am.
Then why on earth would you do something like that to your hair? What's wrong with it? I thought it was tidy and sensible.
Adjectives to stir the loins.
Apparently it's very à la mode.
All the regimental wives are wearing their hair like this now.
- Really? - Yes.
Well, it's certainly very practical.
And should you ever feel compelled to ride a motorcycle, it could always double as a helmet.
Well, I like it.
No, I have nothing against it personally.
Stop it.
Sure it will provide ample protection against any falling masonry.
But if enlarging the family and enticing your husband to procreate is the goal It is.
then you might take a look at Jayne Mansfield or Rita Hayworth.
Ooh, Rita Hayworth.
Sir William Lyons, Your Majesty.
- Welcome, Your Majesty.
- Thank you.
Hello.
How do you do? It's very, uh, spacious.
This is our research and development area.
Splendid.
Now we're talking.
May I introduce you, ma'am, to Nigel Willoughby? He sketches all of our prototypes.
You studied drawing, did you? Lovely.
Very good to see it.
- And that's the chassis.
- It is, indeed.
A finished MK-1, Your Majesty.
Ah.
It's lovely.
With top speeds of over 100 miles per hour.
Quite the thing.
I've always been interested in the red leather.
Is it horse or cow? Hello.
I wish first to express to you my very great pleasure at being here today.
My husband and I have been most profoundly moved by your hospitable welcome and would like you to know how very grateful we are to you all - Thank you.
- for the work that you do.
We understand that in the turbulence of this anxious and active world, many of you are leading uneventful, lonely lives where dreariness is the enemy.
Perhaps you don't understand that on your steadfastness and ability to withstand the fatigue of dull, repetitive work depend, in great measure, the happiness and prosperity of the community as a whole.
The upward course of a nation's history is due, in the long run, to the soundness of heart of its average men and women.
May you be proud to remember how much depends on you, and that even when your life seems most monotonous what you do is always of real value and importance to your fellow Lord Altrincham? Evening edition! News Chronicle! Evening edition! Ah.
I need a favor, some typing.
Oh, you're going home.
I don't need to be.
I've just heard a ridiculous speech by the Queen, and I want to write an immediate response.
No, I'll I'll find someone else.
No, no, it's no trouble.
I had nothing else planned.
Thank you.
- I've had another thought.
- Super.
A rather heretical thought.
I got the idea from something Walter Bagehot said about the first duty of royalty being to inspire.
Hello.
I trust you had a safe journey, Your Majesty.
- Yes, very lovely.
- Good to be back.
Well, let's hope it brightens up later.
Good shot, ma'am.
National and English Review! National and English Review! Thank you.
Two shillings for National and English Review.
Thank you, sir.
Morning.
Thank you, madam.
National and English Review.
Two shillings, thank you very much.
There we go, sir.
Thank you very much.
Two shillings.
I see.
Right.
Well, thank you.
Sorry to disturb, Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness.
Just to say it might be worth avoiding certain newspapers this morning.
Why? What's your sister done now? Nothing to do with Princess Margaret, sir.
Uh It's an article written by Lord Altrincham.
Never heard of him.
You? Taken originally from his own publication The National and English Review.
Never heard of that, either.
Which several newspapers have chosen to run, partially or in full.
What kind of article? It's quite a critical article, ma'am.
What gives him the right? Tell me honestly, Mommy is there any part of you that agrees with him? Certainly not.
And that's not just your mother saying that.
The palace press secretary called me an hour ago to say the vast majority of the country not only disagrees with Altrincham but is disgusted by him.
It's an irrelevant article written by an irrelevant man for an irrelevant publication only picked up because it's August, people are on holiday, government is in recess, and there's nothing to write about.
Today, 85% of the country is against him.
By tomorrow, it will be 95%.
That man's going to wish he'd never been born.
- Traitor! - Coward! Excuse me! Excuse me.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
I asked you to come because I had a phone call an hour ago from a television producer, inviting me to record an interview this afternoon.
Which program? Impact.
With Robin Day.
I wish it weren't Day.
We all wish it weren't Day, he's terrifying.
Don't be silly.
The fact that it's Day is what makes it valuable.
You don't think I'm walking into a trap? You walked into the trap when you wrote the article.
Now you're the most unloved individual in Britain.
Ironically, Day is the one person who could help you.
Why? You've seen how he interviews people.
He dismembers them.
Tears them to shreds.
Yes, but keep your cool under his scrutiny make your case politely, respectfully, intelligently.
It could turn people around.
Thank you very much.
- Lord Altrincham.
How do you do? - How do you do? - Shall we? - Yes.
This way.
Thank you for coming.
Not at all.
How long do we have until we start? We'll pop into makeup quickly.
We should start in ten minutes.
- Just here, if you will.
- Right.
- Help yourself to water.
- Thank you.
Shouldn't be too long.
- All good? - All good.
He's standing by, sir.
- And he's prepared? - Ready as he can be.
Let's make a start.
You've been told how all this works? Recording now, transmission tonight? - Stand by, studio.
- Yes.
Thank you.
Five, four, three Tonight, we have a man who, because of press activity in recent days, probably needs no introduction.
Lord Altrincham.
In the space of just a few days, his inflammatory and deeply personal attacks on the Queen, in a periodical of which he is also publisher, have become the most pressing issue of the day and caused something of a constitutional crisis.
So, I'd like to begin by asking Lord Altrincham a simple question.
She's our head of state, loved, respected and admired around the world, so why do you hate her so very much? I I don't.
Then why criticize her like this? That's like asking an art critic why he criticizes art.
I'm a passionate monarchist who believes constitutional monarchy is Britain's greatest invention.
Do you, indeed? Yes, I do.
I believe that monarchy provides clarity.
A symbolic head of state, transcending the self-serving interests of the egocentric and self-motivated politicians who go in and out of office, who, as King Lear wonderfully says, "ebb and flow by the moon.
" But when working at its best, monarchy can rise above such matters and unify a society.
It can set the tone and become the embodiment of the nation, of national character.
But the problem is, at the moment, it's It's not doing that.
It's doing very little right, as far as you're concerned.
No, that's not true.
You would like to see Her Majesty endowed with superhuman powers.
It's not superhuman to be a little spontaneous.
Judging from your article, you'd like the Queen to have the qualities of a wit, you'd like her to be a better orator, a TV personality, in addition to being a diligent, dutiful and devoted monarch and a mother.
All I'm suggesting is that, in her public speeches and in her appearances, she should be more, uh, natural.
Her style of speaking is, quite frankly, a pain in the neck.
She sounds strangled.
I had the misfortune of hearing one of the Queen's speeches in a dental waiting room recently.
I was horrified by the indifference and inertia with which the speech was greeted.
But you'd accept that being Queen and head of the Church of England is not an easy job or a simple one? If you'll forgive me, it's arguably a harder job than editing a small periodical.
No, I quite agree.
Her Majesty has a seemingly impossible task.
She has to be ordinary and extraordinary, touched by divinity and yet one of us, but being ordinary doesn't have to mean bland or ineffectual.
Or forgettable.
And against whom do you lay the main charge? Her courtiers? Well, in the end, if the court is wrong, if the setup is wrong, you have no choice but to criticize the boss.
The Queen? Yes, because only the boss can get rid of the bad servants.
She hires them.
She alone can fire them.
Now, they may be bad, I believe some of them at the moment are.
They're quite dreadful, but it is her responsibility, it's not theirs, in the sense that they are just hired hands.
And so the personal attack on the monarch continues.
Let me just say this.
To criticize the monarchy, to criticize Her Majesty, personally, gives me no satisfaction.
But we have to remember that, since the Second World War, since Suez, Britain has changed beyond recognition.
And yet the monarchy continues its pre-war routines as though nothing has happened.
I believe it would serve the Queen and her courtiers well to remember that until recently, monarchies were the rule and republics the exception, but today, republics are the rule and monarchies very much the exception.
Lord Altrincham, I have to terminate the interview.
I'm obliged to you for answering my questions.
Next week at the same time, there will be another edition of Impact.
Good night.
That went very well.
- Thank you again, Lord Altrincham.
- Thank you.
Good day.
Thank you.
I thought he was even scarier in real life than I, uh - Lord Altrincham? - Yes.
You traitor! - Is that him? It is, isn't it? - Well done.
- Congratulations.
- Well done.
Well done, sir.
- A glass of white? - Well done.
Or something stronger? What about a brandy? Why not? Well done.
Humphrey.
Well done.
You looked incredibly calm.
- Really? - Man of the hour.
Really.
- Your Majesty.
- Yes, what is it, Michael? There have been some reactions in the newspapers to last night's television interview, and to the assault upon Lord Altrincham.
I'm afraid it's not quite as we'd hoped.
Why not? Uh, well, the man that struck Altrincham, it turns out, is a member of the extreme right League of Empire Loyalists, which is a pressure group that campaigns against the dissolution of the Empire and has a clear doctrine of English racial supremacy.
Oh, dear.
And it seems that most people have decided, having watched Altrincham on the television, that he is eminently reasonable.
Now, almost half the country appears to agree with his sentiments, and there are new polls to support this.
Letters to the Daily Mirror are running at four to one in Altrincham's favor and even the normally conservative Daily Mail changed its tune this morning.
Um, in addition, and this, I believe, reflects on his growing concern at some of the telephone calls he has been receiving the Prime Minister has suggested that he come up a week earlier than planned, in order to discuss it all with you in person.
Goodness! A constitutional crisis.
Well, I hope you're going to apologize to Mr.
Macmillan, too.
Ma'am? You're not going to deny this whole mess springs from a badly written speech which I gave, unquestioningly, because I trusted you.
Perhaps Altrincham's right.
Perhaps I should surround myself with younger, more dynamic people with one foot in the real world! Thank you, ma'am.
And you believe it's now a government matter? I do, ma'am.
Ambassadors from all around the world have been calling me, concerned.
Her Majesty will hardly need reminding a great many other countries have overthrown their monarchies and become republics in recent years.
Egypt, Bulgaria, Italy, Tunisia only last month.
Of course we're not at that point.
Not at a red light.
We're not even at an amber.
But we'd hate it to become amber.
And so, it is my view, the government's view, that it would be wise to contain this as soon as possible.
- And do what? - The obvious thing.
Altrincham is a fire which needs to be put out.
Got you! Got you! Got you! The palace has offered up a chap called Charteris.
To meet.
I looked him up.
He used to be her principal private secretary.
- Well, there you are.
- Before the King died.
- When she was princess.
- And now? He's assistant private secretary, so not quite a pawn, but certainly not a bishop or knight, either.
Go.
Go, in order to be fobbed off? Go in the spirit of openness and wanting to work together.
If they wanted to work together, - they would have sent someone higher up.
- Go.
All right.
And take a list of suggestions.
Recommendations.
Don't go empty-handed.
Not yet! John! Your tooth! John! Sorry.
- Do you have a comment, sir? - Sorry.
Lord Altrincham! Lord Altrincham? - Yes.
- This way, please.
Good to know I'm seeing the top man.
In one sense.
Here we are, Lord Altrincham.
Colonel Charteris will be with you shortly.
- Thank you.
- Sir.
I see we have something in common.
And what would that be? Your Majesty.
I was referring to the photos of Eton and Sandhurst.
Hm.
Which you attended too, I gather.
Yes.
Going on to become an Officer of the Guards at both St James's Palace and Windsor Castle.
It doesn't quite fit the profile of a revolutionary.
It's the assumption everyone has made.
Because I dare offer an opinion, I must be trying to burn the temple down.
On the contrary, I'm trying to make sure it survives.
Well, those of us in the temple are very much looking forward to hearing what it is we must do in order to survive.
Shall we begin? Is my voice all right? You can understand me? - Yes.
- Not too strangled? Not too much a pain in the neck? - No.
- Good.
So, what is it that you'd have me change? It's not so much what I'd have you change, just an acknowledgment that it has changed.
- What? - Everything.
And to prepare yourself for the fact we now live in a time where people like me - Can say exactly what they think.
- Yes.
- In any way they want.
- Yes.
And, remind me, why is that, exactly? Because the age of deference is over.
And what is left without deference? Anarchy? Equality.
How can it be equality when I cannot return the fire? You can.
But I struggle to think of a moment in history where it has worked to a monarch's advantage to return fire on their own people.
But you have managed to think of how this monarch might do something to her advantage.
I have.
And that same monarch is sitting before, forgive me a failed politician and an unrecognized journalist and taking his advice on how to do her job.
The situation is as baffling to me as it is to you, Your Majesty.
- Ah.
You've got a list.
- I do.
As you might know from my article, I made a series of observations, recommendations of things to change, but for the purposes of this meeting, I chose to limit those recommendations to, um, six.
Six? Three things to start and three things to stop.
- Well, let's start with the "stops.
" - Very well.
Ah, yes.
Putting an end to the debutantes' ball.
The idea that young women of a certain class are presented to the sovereign, and women who are not of that class are not presented to the sovereign and somehow not acceptable.
This is the sort of inequity that should have died out with our grandparents' generation, certainly after the war.
Next.
Uh Allow divorced people to move more freely in royal circles.
Why? The sovereign is head of the Church of England, and the Church does not recognize divorced persons.
It's unkind.
Discriminatory.
Quite possibly unlawful.
Next.
Uh I would recommend getting rid of an entire generation of courtier.
The old school, stuck in the past.
Ostriches with their heads buried in the sand.
They're stopping the palace evolve in keeping with the rest of the world.
Those "ostriches" provide an indispensable function of monarchy: the preservation of tradition.
You asked for my recommendations, ma'am.
I'm respectfully passing them on.
What would you have me start? Open up, ma'am.
Lower the drawbridge.
Let people get to know you.
I don't wish to be known.
Televise the Christmas speech.
Become more transparent, accessible.
- And finally - Oh, finally.
spend time with normal people.
Not just courtiers or the great and the good, but real people, average people.
Working people.
Open the doors.
Make it more inclusive and egalitarian.
Let normal people get to know you, too.
Would you mind stepping out into the corridor for a moment? Not at all.
And would you ask my private secretary to come in? Of course.
Your Majesty.
Colonel Charteris? Your Majesty.
Lord Altrincham.
Please.
When I went back into the room, she was gone.
Vanished into thin air.
Do sit down.
Charteris then went on to tell me that no one can ever know that I met the Queen, and that should I ever claim that I did, the palace would robustly deny it.
They will, however, concede that I had an appointment with Her Majesty's assistant private secretary, and that concessions might be made to one or two of my recommendations.
May I ask which ones? Let's get these lights in.
Quickly.
Easy with that camera.
Right-o.
This one next.
Well done.
Now, let's have the rest of the cables.
I feel like an actress.
A common little showgirl.
Don't be silly.
In what way am I different? Memorizing lines and remembering angles, wearing makeup? Well, you're the Queen of the United Kingdom for one thing.
Yes, who's memorizing lines and remembering angles and wearing makeup.
Your Majesty.
Right.
- Where do you want me? - This way, please, ma'am.
Ma'am.
Five, four, three Happy Christmas.
Twenty-five years ago, my grandfather broadcast the first of these Christmas messages.
Today is another landmark, because television has made it possible for many of you to see me in your homes on Christmas Day.
My own family often gather round to watch the television, as they are at this moment, and that is how I think of you all now.
I very much hope that this new medium will make my Christmas message more personal and direct.
It is inevitable that I should seem a rather remote figure to many of you, a successor to the kings and queens of history, someone whose face may be familiar in newspapers and films but who never really touches your personal lives.
But now, at least for a few minutes, I welcome you into the peace of my own home.
That it is possible for some of you to see me today is just another example of the speed at which things are changing all around us.
I would like to read a few lines from Pilgrim's Progress.
'"And though, with great difficulty, I am got hither, yet now I do repent me of all the trouble I have been at to arrive where I am.
My sword I give to him that shall succeed me in my pilgrimage and my courage and skill to him that can get it.
My marks and scars I carry with me to be a witness for me that I have fought his battles who now will be my rewarder.
" I hope that 1958 may bring you God's blessings and all the things that you long for.
And so I wish you all, young and old, wherever you may be, all the fun and enjoyment and peace of a very happy Christmas.
And we're off air.
Congratulations, ma'am.
- Ah, hello.
- My, my.
You look pretty.
I like the dress.
- Thank you.
- And the hair.
- Very unregimental.
- Mm, yes.
Tony knew the top person, of course.
The only stylist who could be trusted.
Does he have a name, this stylist? I want to say Victor Gabon, but that's not quite right.
Um Vidal Baboon? - Vidal Baboon? - Yes, I think.
Well, anyway, he talked endlessly about hair as a geometric art form.
- It looks jolly pretty.
- Thank you.
If you happen to have a number for this Baboon, I might pass it on to my wife.
Is that appropriate, by the way, that a red-blooded man should know the correct hairdresser for a woman? There's almost nothing that's appropriate about Tony, but he's made it his mission in life to improve me.
Mm.
- Your very own little Altrincham.
- Yes.
Just rather better in bed, I suspect.
- Oh, dear God.
- Look at them.
- There it is.
- Thank you very much.
Who do you suppose that is? It could be Mr.
David Smith, a car dealer.
- And that? - I believe that is Harry "The Hammer" Jones.
A boxer from the Old Kent Road.
Rounding up the numbers, we have a local restaurateur, a bus driver, a bank clerk and a woman policeman.
All to open things up.
Yes.
Bring us more in line with the real world.
Democratize us.
And so it goes.
The stings and bites we suffer as it slips away.
Bit by bit, piece by piece.
Our authority, our absolutism, our divine rights.
Ma'am? The history of the monarchy in this country is a one-way street of humiliation, sacrifices and concessions in order to survive.
First, the barons came for us, then the merchants, now the journalists.
Small wonder we make such a fuss about curtsies, protocol and precedent.
It's all we have left.
The last scraps of armor as we go from ruling to reigning to - To what? - To being nothing at all.
Marionettes.
- Right, gloves on.
- Ah.
I told the master of the household to rotate the guests between courses, so if you get a dud, don't worry, it'll be 15 minutes at worst.
Mr.
and Mrs.
David Smith.
- Ah, David.
Lovely to meet you.
- Ma'am.
- Hello.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Mr.
and Mrs.
Patel.
- Hello there.
Thank you for coming.
Mr.
Harry "The Hammer.
" I've heard so much about you.
- Thank you for coming.
- You look absolutely beautiful.
Mr.
Martin Jones.
- Sergeant Ethel Danmyer.
- Ah, hello there.
Such a pleasure to have you here.
Oh, here they come, dog-dogs.
There they go.