The Crown (2016) s03e04 Episode Script
Bubbikins
1 [CHURCH BELLS RING.]
[SPEAKS GREEK.]
[MAN IN GREEK.]
It's over, Mother Superior.
I brought the accounts so you can see.
The money has run out.
[IN GREEK.]
But we need medicine.
We need beds.
We need food.
I can't turn people away.
In the past, when funds have run low, you have managed to make personal contributions.
I have already sold everything.
[MAN.]
Then we have no choice.
The Order must close.
two [PRESENTER.]
Tonight on Meet the Press, we have a very special guest indeed.
His Royal Highness Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.
Here in Washington as part of an 18-day tour of Canada and the United States.
- Welcome, sir.
- Thank you.
Delighted to be here.
Now, so many questions to ask, so little time.
But one thing we'd like to clear up right away for all of us ignorant Americans who just don't understand.
How come you're not king? [CHUCKLES.]
Because when a king of England marries, his wife, whoever she is, automatically becomes queen, correct? Uh, yes, correct.
So, when the Queen married you, what happened? As a fellow male, I am aggrieved.
Yes, and you're right to be.
- Hmm.
- [PHILIP.]
No, it's monstrously unjust.
And to continue this theme of injustice, a recent news dispatch from London begins this way: "Queen Elizabeth has not had a pay raise in over 15 years.
" True.
[PRESENTER.]
The article then goes on about the significant challenge the royal family faces in surviving on the existing allowance.
Is this creating an awkward situation, sir? [PHILIP.]
Very.
We go into the red, I think, next year.
Which, uh, which is not bad housekeeping, if you come to think of it.
We've kept the whole thing going on a budget, which was based on the costs of of over 15 years ago, when the Queen acceded to the throne.
[PRESENTER.]
So, in order to afford everything Well, very considerable corners have had to be cut, and it is beginning to have its effect.
Now, if nothing happens, we shall either have to, um I mean, I don't know.
We, uh, we may have to move into smaller premises, who knows? - Smaller palaces? - [PHILIP.]
Something like that.
We've already embarked on a general belt-tightening which has not made life easy.
I mean, for instance, we had a we had a small yacht, which we have had to sell.
Really? [PHILIP.]
I shall probably have to give up polo fairly soon and things like that.
[PRESENTER.]
Thank you.
We'll be back with Meet the Press International call, please.
London, England.
01946 0200.
[PHONE LINE RINGS.]
- Hello, Ken here.
- Ken, it's John Armstrong.
I'm in New York on the Muhammad Ali story, and I've just seen the Duke of Edinburgh give an interview on television here.
Give me 600 words and hold the front page.
- It's yours.
- You won't regret it.
[PEN CLICKS.]
[SOLDIER.]
Present arms! I had intended to start our agenda with the situation in Eastern Nigeria, but given the article in today's Guardian about His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh Yes, perhaps we ought to start with that.
What was the reaction in Cabinet? [WILSON.]
Positive, on the whole.
In view of the gloomy economic forecast, might I suggest that the government follows the advice of John Armstrong, writing in today's Guardian, and sells off an outdated and redundant piece of state infrastructure, the royal family.
[CHUCKLING.]
On the whole? Well, of course the usual suspects were jumping up and down.
Benn, Crossman, Castle.
You'd expect that.
Perhaps a whip-round, "Buy the Prince a New Pony"? In the current economic climate, with honest working families up and down the country fighting to survive, I find a plea of poverty from a jumped-up freeloader like him not just inappropriate, but downright offensive.
[ALL.]
Hear, hear! I'm assuming you know what that family costs the British taxpayer each year.
Two and a half million.
Now, when you compare that to the average family I do know that.
£1,607.
Per year.
The royal family costs more than four times that per day.
- And now they're asking for more! More! - Outrageous! Come on, Barbara, it's not cheap playing polo.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- How dare they? When half [WILSON.]
It was the reaction from the rest of them that concerned me.
The fence-sitters.
Before the article, I would have said there were six hardliners in Cabinet in favor of cutting the Civil List against 14 whom we might call moderates.
Now, the figures are more like ten to ten.
That's a significant and worrying swing.
And your own position? Mine, ma'am? Yes, Prime Minister, yours.
You hold the casting vote.
Well, I've always been an ardent supporter of the monarchy, as the record shows.
But when it comes to a plea of poverty from the husband of the richest woman in the world and an appeal to the British taxpayer for a pay rise at a time like this, even I find myself conflicted.
[PHILIP.]
I mean, what does he want us to do? Live in a semi-detached? Travel everywhere on the omnibus? Actually, he did mention travel.
That the royal yacht is funded by the Navy, our aeroplanes by the Air Force, and that Margaret's recent holiday in America cost the Exchequer £30,000.
For which, I am told, she did two days' actual work.
Margaret's holiday not only secured a multi-million pound bailout, but she also got rave reviews in every newspaper in the world, which is a darn sight more than Mr.
Wilson and his economically incompetent socialist chums have achieved.
Leave it with me.
What does that mean? It means this needs a response.
A robust response.
- Philip - You deserve to be paid properly.
We deserve to be paid properly.
Well, I'm not going to rest until we are.
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MOTHER SUPERIOR IN GREEK.]
It's a genuine Ceylon sapphire set in diamonds.
[PAWNBROKER.]
No genuine sapphire is that size.
If even a fraction of that were real, it would be Test it.
[EXHALES.]
When you come up with an honest price, I will consider selling it.
You can find me at the Christian Sisterhood of Martha and Mary.
10 Pefkon Street, Neo Iraklio.
[SIRENS WAIL.]
[DOGS BARK IN THE DISTANCE.]
[BELL RINGS.]
Unbelievable! The jewelry gangs these days! The lengths they go to! - [PAWNBROKER.]
Did you arrest her? - [POLICEMAN.]
Who? [PAWNBROKER.]
The fake nun.
[POLICEMAN.]
There's nothing fake about her, you idiot.
She's a real nun.
And a real princess.
What? Princess Alice of Greece and Denmark was born in Windsor Castle.
Her great-uncle was the Tsar of Russia, her great-grandmother was Queen Victoria, and her son is married to the Queen of England.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Did you come up with a price yet, sweetie? [PHILIP.]
Uh, sweetie, are you there? Can you hear me? [SWITCH CLICKS.]
Sweetie? Sweetie? - Hello, sweetie? - [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK.]
[FOOTMAN.]
Your Royal Highness.
Hello, sweetie? Can you hear me? Do pick up.
Hello? - Your Royal Highness.
- [PHILIP.]
Hello? Sweetie? - Your Majesty.
- [ELIZABETH.]
Yes.
- His Royal Highness the Duke of - Not me, I'm afraid.
I'm "darling" or "cabbage.
" "Sweetie" is someone else.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ah, you see? It works.
- You asked to see me.
- Yes.
So - I've spoken to Colonel Adeane.
- Yes.
- And Martin Charteris.
- Yes.
- And William Heseltine.
- Oh.
A collection of the people you most hate in life.
- Hmm.
- Well, we all got together.
In a reptile cage? At a zoo? No.
It was decided that as part of a new public relations initiative, - you're going to be launched.
- What? Well, not like a rocket.
- Well, perhaps a bit like a rocket.
- Ah [PHILIP.]
And to that end, I'd like you to participate, alongside the whole family, in a landmark film to be shown on television.
Mm-hmm? I've told you the story, haven't I? That when I was a baby - Yes.
- we had to flee Greece.
- Yes, in a lemon crate.
- An orange crate.
And that was because the people had taken against us as the royal family.
From that moment on, we were displaced.
In exile.
I was I was without a proper home, without a family.
And I I don't want that for us.
I want people to like us, to feel that they know us.
[SCOFFS.]
I know you value your privacy, but I think there's a lot about you that they would like if they if they got a chance.
The fact that, generally, you're good value for money.
Like a pair of long-lasting boots? Is there anything one loves more in life than a pair of long-lasting boots? - It all sounds hideous.
- Yes.
I thought that's what you'd say.
But if you and the other reptiles insist I'm afraid we do.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
[QUEEN MOTHER.]
A film? [PHILIP.]
Yes.
It's a it's a documentary film.
- Tony, do you want to - It means, um no acting.
No artifice.
Just the real thing.
Like one of those wildlife films.
- Oh, I like those.
- Hmm.
Yes, except this time, we are the endangered species.
[PHILIP.]
Yes, exactly.
It will follow all of us in our daily lives to prove to everyone out there what we in here already know.
- What's that? - Well, how hard we all work.
And what good value we represent.
How much we deserve the taxpayers' money.
So we'll all have to get used to cameras being here all the time? Not all the time.
They will follow us on and off over the next few months.
So, all of you on best behavior.
It's jolly powerful that light, isn't it? Back it up, would you, Gary? - I'm sorry, ma'am.
- Yes, thank you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MAN.]
Ronald Lee.
David Salt.
- Terry Edwards.
- Your Majesty.
Sally Phipps.
[PHILIP.]
It must all seem very glamorous.
The British Olympic team for lunch, the American President for dinner, but it's a lot of work, a lot of preparation, and a lot of expense.
In terms of what it actually achieves, I like think that it, we, are worth every penny.
[DIRECTOR.]
Gents, over here.
Go on.
- Good afternoon, Prime Minister.
- Afternoon.
[WILSON.]
I was half-expecting cameras here to greet me.
Lights, microphones - Oh, you've heard? - Yes.
I'm afraid my husband is quite taken by the idea of this documentary.
And while I might not understand television, I do understand marriage, and when it is important to let someone shine.
Now, we have a lot to catch up on, not least a military coup in Athens.
Yes, um where, I believe, your mother-in-law's still living.
According to the Foreign Office, it's possible she's in some danger.
- [GUNFIRE.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[ANNOUNCER IN GREEK.]
This is a public announcement.
The government has fallen, and the military has assumed control of the city and the country.
All foreign nationals must leave immediately.
a shot of the table and And I'll sort of just chat about preparations.
We'll capture some of your conversations with the staff.
How long will that take? We should be ready any second.
Is that the most recent shot list? - Carry on.
- Yes, sir.
Hello, you.
I spoke to the Prime Minister today.
As you know, Athens is in the throes of a military coup.
Yes.
The Foreign Office view is that we should send a plane to bring your mother to England - to live here with us.
- Here? Yes, here.
I'm sure you'll agree there's room at the inn.
- When? - As soon as possible.
- Tomorrow? - We can't do that.
- Why not? - In case you hadn't noticed, we have cameras crawling all over the place.
As it happens, I had noticed.
Well, we can't afford to have my mother jeopardize this film.
- You know what she's like.
- A little eccentric, yes.
No, more than that.
She's not of our world, nor, frankly, suited to it.
She's She's been in institutions most of her adult life.
She's not She's not well.
And with this film, appearances are vital.
We need to be careful, very careful.
The answer is no.
[PHILIP.]
Are you ready? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on.
- [DIRECTOR.]
Camera ready.
- [PHILIP.]
Hurry up.
Of course she should come.
She's 82.
And if being mother to the Duke of Edinburgh, mother-in-law to the Queen isn't qualification enough, the fact that she's grandmother to our future king is.
Bring her over.
Put her in a room next to Princess Anne.
She can keep an eye on her.
Yes, ma'am.
[CLAPPERBOARD CLICKS.]
[CHANTING IN GREEK.]
[ALICE IN GREEK.]
Goodbye, my dear family.
Goodbye my dear sisters.
May the Lord bless you.
May the Lord protect you.
[GROANS.]
[EXHALES.]
Your Royal Highness.
Thank you.
Please, this way.
Your Majesty.
We're so happy to have you here with us, safe and sound.
You're very kind.
Too kind.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Bubbikins? I'm afraid your dear son is indisposed at the moment.
We're in the middle of having a film made.
What? It doesn't matter.
He'll come and visit you soon.
You must be tired.
We'll find someone to take you to your room.
Thank you.
- Bubbikins? - Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your room, Your Royal Highness.
Oh! It's lovely.
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
Your Royal Highness, just to say that Princess Alice has arrived.
Thank you, Martin.
[SIGHS.]
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
[ALICE SPEAKS GREEK.]
Mama! Sir, they're ready for you.
[MAN ON TV.]
Early morning, semi-detached, Highgate, London.
- Industrial consultant Rex - [QUEEN MOTHER.]
They're rolling, dear.
We are being filmed watching television.
That people might watch us watching television on their own television sets at home.
This really is plumbing new depths of banality.
[MAN ON TV.]
They're simple to operate, and experts predict that in 20 years' time, all new houses will be built with special computer points and that terminals will be cheaper to rent than today's telephones.
- What do we do now? - Do you expect us to say something? - Yes.
- Well, what? Did someone prepare something? [DIRECTOR.]
I think the general idea is it be unscripted to reflect a normal evening.
[MARGARET.]
This is nothing like a normal evening.
If it was a normal evening, we'd all be on our own in sad isolation in individual palaces.
It wouldn't be crowded like this.
This is like some kind of nightmare Christmas.
Rex Malik sees a future world where children could be virtually educated by computer, where every home will have its own terminal plugged into a central brain Uh, perhaps, Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, perhaps you might comment on what's on the television.
That'd be easier if there was something remotely amusing to watch.
I agree.
This is deathly.
Things might improve with a drink.
Everything improves with a drink.
Not everything.
Oh, don't be such a prig.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Colin.
- [DIRECTOR.]
And cut.
- [MARGARET.]
Oh, thank God for that.
[ALICE SIGHS.]
Hello? Hello? Hello, dear.
Do you mind? No, no, not at all.
There wasn't a light to be had anywhere in the palace.
[DIRECTOR.]
Who's that? The Duke of Edinburgh's mother, Princess Alice of Greece and Denmark.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[PHILIP.]
For God's sake.
Somebody stop that.
[SHOUTS.]
Now! Damn it! [DIRECTOR.]
Tell us about your convent.
[ALICE.]
Yes, it's called the Sisterhood of Martha and Mary, and it's at 10 Pefkon Street in Athens.
[DIRECTOR.]
Tell us more about Greece.
Is Greece in trouble today? Is that what brought you to this Stop.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
It's a nightmare.
We have to get her out of here.
- Somewhere no one will see her.
- What? We are in the middle of filming a documentary, which is critical as a public relations exercise.
On this occasion, the filmmakers agreed to give up the footage.
Next time, they might not be so kind.
Her presence at the palace threatens to derail the entire thing.
- Why are you so angry with her? - I'm not angry.
Yes, you are.
You're furious.
Have you even been to see her yet since she arrived? - You haven't.
- Let me give you some advice.
Stop patronizing me! Stop interfering and stop meddling.
Just stop.
You know nothing.
I know that she's your mother.
- Technically, yes.
- What is that supposed to mean? It means she gave birth to me.
She was never a mother.
Philip.
Philip! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Rosa came running to me in the middle of the night and said, "We have to get more buckets!" It was like listening to an orchestra overnight.
Ping, pong, ping [LAUGHTER.]
It was really quite funny, except, of course, we were all soaking wet and jolly cold.
[ELIZABETH.]
Ah, two of you.
- Your Majesty.
- Oh.
Yaya's been telling me the most incredible stories about her life.
[ELIZABETH.]
Has she? I just came to make sure you had everything you need.
Please.
Oh, yes.
I have more than everything.
But her convent doesn't.
- Darling, shush.
- It needs £200 for the roof.
- Really? - It's true.
And £300 for new medicine and beds.
So, we're busy writing to patrons and benefactors, asking for money.
The palace writing paper we think it could help.
And if there's anything here we might consider selling.
Such as? A painting.
A painting? Or a clock.
There are so many clocks everywhere.
You wouldn't miss one or two, surely? It's not quite so simple.
Some of them aren't ours to sell.
But maybe your darling son will be good enough to make a donation.
Oh.
Bubbikins.
Yes, Bubbikins.
In the meantime, we'll get you some more cigarettes, and I promise we'll have a big jumble sale of all the palace valuables on our return.
Please.
What? - Morning, Bridget.
- Morning, John.
[BRIDGET.]
Excited to watch tonight? [JOHN.]
I couldn't be more excited.
- Morning, Bridget.
- Good morning.
Right.
Turn it on.
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
Buckingham Palace, known around the world as the home of Queen Elizabeth II.
- Until now, an impenetrable fortress - [ELIZABETH GASPS.]
Here we go.
its inner workings hidden from view.
That is all about to change.
We have been granted a rare peek behind the curtains to the home of the most important family in Britain.
As the day begins Oh, no, my hair looks frightful.
How many pounds do they say the camera adds, dear? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Shush.
- But like many of her subjects - Turn it up.
the Queen has an office job, and with five departments to manage, she relies heavily on her private secretaries.
Thank you.
[ADEANE.]
And these are the recommendations for the [NARRATOR.]
These men manage all the Queen's engagements and responsibilities, and nothing goes on in the palace without their knowledge.
As the day goes on, it brings with it more royal duties.
[MAN.]
I hereby list the following titles [NARRATOR.]
First of all, a meeting of the Privy Council.
Now, you might be wondering why no one is sitting down.
Well, no one quite knows the answer.
But it certainly helps to keep things brief.
[ANNE.]
I wonder what's more dull, having to sit through one of those meetings or having to watch it on television.
[NARRATOR.]
But it's not only the Queen who has royal duties.
The Queen Mother, too, carries out many public engagements.
Well, they captured your best side, at least.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [PHILIP.]
Shush.
Oh, look, Mummy.
It's your big close-up.
I'm ready, Mr.
DeMille! [LAUGHTER.]
[NARRATOR.]
One of Her Majesty's favorite pastimes is overseeing operations at the 150-acre stud at Sandringham.
But even then, royal duties never let up.
Nor does the endless round of functions and receptions.
There's always some kind of occasion to prepare for, and, whatever the function, the quality of food and service must be second to none.
These events may seem indulgent, but they are of national importance, as is the formality.
Ambassadors must be treated exactly the same to avoid the impression that one is favored over another.
[AMBASSADOR.]
It's been a great honor, Your Majesty.
I found it very interesting, Ambassador.
World problems are so complex, aren't they? [NARRATOR.]
Of course, it's not all dinners and duty.
Although the Queen and Prince Philip are often separated from their children, the holidays are a time for family, and they make sure to take them regularly and often.
- Night, John.
- Night, Sally.
[BAGPIPES PLAY.]
[NARRATOR.]
A favorite destination is Balmoral Castle - [LAUGHS.]
- the Queen's private residence in the Highlands of Scotland.
[JOHN.]
"Last night, the nation tuned in as one to watch a documentary that would restore the royal family to their rightful place at the heart of the nation's affections.
Sadly, that was not what they got.
It's hard to imagine what they were thinking, agreeing to open the doors to television cameras.
That stripped of all ceremony and mystery, we would marvel at how normal they were, how remarkably like us.
That watching them travel from castle to castle, palace to palace in yachts and aeroplanes we pay for, stalking on land they own, fishing on rivers they own, and cooking barbecues in forests they own, we would reflect on how tirelessly they toil, what good value for money they represent, and be moved to increase the amount of money we pay them.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- Louder, John.
Don't be shy! Come on! Let's all hear it.
Come on, John.
- Come on.
- "Even the most ardent monarchist must concede that the strongest piece of armor in the monarchy's arsenal is its sense of mystery, from which derives its air of majesty.
" [WOMAN.]
Hear, hear! "The only thing awe-inspiring about this lot is the size of their over-inflated sense of self-entitlement [LAUGHTER.]
and their ability to practice a line in small talk that would have life support patients reaching for the off switch.
" [CHEERING.]
Well done, John.
Well done.
[WILSON.]
Wonderful viewing figures.
The highest for a factual documentary ever.
And some lovely reviews in the newspapers this morning.
- They were brutal.
- None that I read.
I like to think I understand television as well as anyone in the country.
I owe my political life to it.
And that's because I've learned, over time, how to do it.
How to make it work for me.
Perhaps the royal family is not best suited to it.
Television is good for normal people.
But that was the whole point.
To show everyone that behind palace gates, we are perfectly normal people.
- No, ma'am, you're not normal.
- Aren't we? We wake up in the morning, go to bed at night.
We work, get tired, get colds.
We have uncles that embarrass us, Christmases to endure.
We are perfectly normal.
But people don't consider you to be and if I may say, and this is where it gets a little complicated they don't want you to be normal.
Well, what do they want? Tell me.
It's all any of us want to know.
What do you want from us? Well, the truth is, we don't know what we want.
[SCOFFS.]
Other than we want you to be ideal.
An ideal.
No human being is ideal.
Only God is ideal.
Which is why I'd favor the royal family being kept out of sight, out of mind, for our own survival and sanity.
But the thing is we can't be hidden away.
We have to be in full view all the time.
So, what's the answer? The best we've come up with so far is ritual and mystery.
Because it keeps us hidden while still in plain sight.
The smoke and the mirrors, the mystery and the protocol, it's not there to keep us apart.
It is there to keep us alive.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
- You rang? - [PHILIP.]
Yes.
Sit down.
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, it seems the documentary not only failed to achieve what I had hoped for, it has somehow achieved the opposite.
Instead of writing about what good value for money we represent, these commentators are united in their mockery of our our woodenness, our stupidity, our vanity, extravagance - Well, I did warn you.
- Do not say you warned me.
I did.
It was always a daft idea.
It was always going to backfire.
Is it really necessary for you to speak your mind quite so mercilessly at every opportunity? Well, where do you think I get that from? [SIGHS.]
So, what are you going to do? [SIGHS.]
Actually, I was hoping we might talk about what you're going to do.
I would like to offer you to The Manchester Guardian as the subject of a major, in-depth profile.
Why them? Why not The Daily Telegraph, or the Daily Mail, or someone we could expect to be a little bit friendly? Because, in the light of all this criticism, an endorsement from our most vocal critics would represent more of a turnaround.
If we can get an endorsement.
You're the most thrifty, feet on the ground, low-profile, unpretentious royal we've got.
If anyone can salvage this, you can.
[PHILIP.]
Give me the press secretary.
John, I've just had a phone call from the palace press secretary.
Oh, let me guess, demanding an apology, calling my criticism unpatriotic, treasonous No, to offer us an interview with Princess Anne.
What? Little Miss Dumpy and Grumpy? Yes, and, uh, most bizarrely of all, they've specifically requested you as the writer.
Oh, they really have gone mad.
- North central gate, please, sir.
- [DRIVER.]
Right you are.
John Armstrong from The Guardian to see Anne.
Who? - Princess Anne, for the interview? - Yes, sir.
Right this way.
- Wait here, please, sir.
- Thank you.
- Now, Yaya.
- What? Run.
Go! [COUGHS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Mr.
Armstrong, did you not receive the message? Her Royal Highness Princess Anne is-is, um is unwell, with a heavy cold, and is indisposed.
- No, they didn't tell me.
- I'm so sorry.
I'll see you out.
- Who's that? - Um, who? The nun.
That's, uh - That's Princess Alice.
- Who? Mother of His Royal Highness Duke of Edinburgh.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Oh, do you think she'd talk to me? Uh, no, certainly not.
Uh, so, if you don't mind - I could ask her myself.
- No, that wouldn't be appropriate.
- Please, Mr.
Armstrong - Hello.
Hello, I'm John Armstrong.
I'm writing an article about the royal family for The Guardian.
- Can I ask you some questions? - What? I'm John Armstrong from The Guardian.
Could we have an interview? - Yes, of course.
- She said yes.
[ALICE COUGHS.]
So, my dear, how can I help you? Well, I think the people in this country would be very interested to get to know the Queen's mother-in-law.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
So We should start from the very beginning.
But I'm ancient.
We could be here a long time.
And I have all the time in the world.
Well I was born in Windsor Castle.
Queen Victoria herself was present at my birth.
Was she? Everyone thought I was a slow child.
Slow? In which sense? - Walking? - No, dear.
[COUGHS.]
Slow in here.
Right.
I was born deaf.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But otherwise perfectly normal? Well, I thought so.
But obviously others didn't, because then I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
[TAKES NOTES.]
And sent to an asylum.
A mental asylum? Yes.
I was treated by Sigmund Freud.
He was not a kind man.
Go on.
I was there for just over two years.
Mm-hmm.
And I managed to escape.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
- [TYPEWRITER CLICKS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
[PRAYS.]
Bubbikins.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"It is a common staple of mother-in-law jokes that having one come to stay is a nightmare.
But having this mother-in-law to stay can only be a blessing.
" Oh.
"For Princess Alice is that rarest of creatures a member of a royal family that has suffered more than the rest of us, worked harder than the rest of us, and created more good than the rest of us.
Congenitally deaf, she was consistently misunderstood, marginalized and underestimated.
Doctors inflicted untold horrors on her, X-raying her womb to bring on menopause and reduce her libido and electroshock treatment to treat her hysteria.
But instead of bitterness, Princess Alice dedicated her life to charity work, public service, and campaigning for social justice, often at great personal risk.
" Well, it goes on and on.
It's a love letter.
I owe you an apology.
Whatever for? My faithlessness.
All this time, I've been trying to keep you out of sight of the cameras, when, quite clearly, you should have been center stage.
If anyone owes anyone an apology, we both know it's the other way round.
At least your sisters had something of their mother.
When we were forced to leave Greece, I couldn't cope.
I needed care.
I needed help.
But that that wasn't help that they gave you.
It was torture.
- They tried their best.
- No.
The treatment they gave you was barbaric.
And your courage in rising above it was remarkable.
I didn't do it alone.
I couldn't have.
I had help every step of the way.
Now, Bubbikins, you mentioned faithlessness.
How is your faith? - Dormant.
- What? Dormant.
That's not good.
Let this be a mother's gift to her child.
The one piece of advice Find yourself a faith.
It helps.
No Not just helps.
It's everything.
Oh, it looks like it's clearing up.
What do you say? A walk? So, we'll move lunch with Lord and Lady Casey to the 12th, meaning there's enough time for the presentation of the Queen's Colour to the Central Flying School at RAF Little Rissington on the 9th.
Well done.
Thank you, Michael.
Is that everything? There is one more thing, ma'am.
The royal family documentary has had a great deal of interest from overseas broadcasters.
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, - CBS in the United States - No.
- Ma'am? - I don't think so.
Right.
I gather the BBC plans to repeat it in three weeks' time.
I don't think that either.
As a matter of fact, I think it best if that documentary were never seen again, anywhere, by anyone.
Can I leave that with you? Yes, ma'am.
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SPEAKS GREEK.]
[MAN IN GREEK.]
It's over, Mother Superior.
I brought the accounts so you can see.
The money has run out.
[IN GREEK.]
But we need medicine.
We need beds.
We need food.
I can't turn people away.
In the past, when funds have run low, you have managed to make personal contributions.
I have already sold everything.
[MAN.]
Then we have no choice.
The Order must close.
two [PRESENTER.]
Tonight on Meet the Press, we have a very special guest indeed.
His Royal Highness Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.
Here in Washington as part of an 18-day tour of Canada and the United States.
- Welcome, sir.
- Thank you.
Delighted to be here.
Now, so many questions to ask, so little time.
But one thing we'd like to clear up right away for all of us ignorant Americans who just don't understand.
How come you're not king? [CHUCKLES.]
Because when a king of England marries, his wife, whoever she is, automatically becomes queen, correct? Uh, yes, correct.
So, when the Queen married you, what happened? As a fellow male, I am aggrieved.
Yes, and you're right to be.
- Hmm.
- [PHILIP.]
No, it's monstrously unjust.
And to continue this theme of injustice, a recent news dispatch from London begins this way: "Queen Elizabeth has not had a pay raise in over 15 years.
" True.
[PRESENTER.]
The article then goes on about the significant challenge the royal family faces in surviving on the existing allowance.
Is this creating an awkward situation, sir? [PHILIP.]
Very.
We go into the red, I think, next year.
Which, uh, which is not bad housekeeping, if you come to think of it.
We've kept the whole thing going on a budget, which was based on the costs of of over 15 years ago, when the Queen acceded to the throne.
[PRESENTER.]
So, in order to afford everything Well, very considerable corners have had to be cut, and it is beginning to have its effect.
Now, if nothing happens, we shall either have to, um I mean, I don't know.
We, uh, we may have to move into smaller premises, who knows? - Smaller palaces? - [PHILIP.]
Something like that.
We've already embarked on a general belt-tightening which has not made life easy.
I mean, for instance, we had a we had a small yacht, which we have had to sell.
Really? [PHILIP.]
I shall probably have to give up polo fairly soon and things like that.
[PRESENTER.]
Thank you.
We'll be back with Meet the Press International call, please.
London, England.
01946 0200.
[PHONE LINE RINGS.]
- Hello, Ken here.
- Ken, it's John Armstrong.
I'm in New York on the Muhammad Ali story, and I've just seen the Duke of Edinburgh give an interview on television here.
Give me 600 words and hold the front page.
- It's yours.
- You won't regret it.
[PEN CLICKS.]
[SOLDIER.]
Present arms! I had intended to start our agenda with the situation in Eastern Nigeria, but given the article in today's Guardian about His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh Yes, perhaps we ought to start with that.
What was the reaction in Cabinet? [WILSON.]
Positive, on the whole.
In view of the gloomy economic forecast, might I suggest that the government follows the advice of John Armstrong, writing in today's Guardian, and sells off an outdated and redundant piece of state infrastructure, the royal family.
[CHUCKLING.]
On the whole? Well, of course the usual suspects were jumping up and down.
Benn, Crossman, Castle.
You'd expect that.
Perhaps a whip-round, "Buy the Prince a New Pony"? In the current economic climate, with honest working families up and down the country fighting to survive, I find a plea of poverty from a jumped-up freeloader like him not just inappropriate, but downright offensive.
[ALL.]
Hear, hear! I'm assuming you know what that family costs the British taxpayer each year.
Two and a half million.
Now, when you compare that to the average family I do know that.
£1,607.
Per year.
The royal family costs more than four times that per day.
- And now they're asking for more! More! - Outrageous! Come on, Barbara, it's not cheap playing polo.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- How dare they? When half [WILSON.]
It was the reaction from the rest of them that concerned me.
The fence-sitters.
Before the article, I would have said there were six hardliners in Cabinet in favor of cutting the Civil List against 14 whom we might call moderates.
Now, the figures are more like ten to ten.
That's a significant and worrying swing.
And your own position? Mine, ma'am? Yes, Prime Minister, yours.
You hold the casting vote.
Well, I've always been an ardent supporter of the monarchy, as the record shows.
But when it comes to a plea of poverty from the husband of the richest woman in the world and an appeal to the British taxpayer for a pay rise at a time like this, even I find myself conflicted.
[PHILIP.]
I mean, what does he want us to do? Live in a semi-detached? Travel everywhere on the omnibus? Actually, he did mention travel.
That the royal yacht is funded by the Navy, our aeroplanes by the Air Force, and that Margaret's recent holiday in America cost the Exchequer £30,000.
For which, I am told, she did two days' actual work.
Margaret's holiday not only secured a multi-million pound bailout, but she also got rave reviews in every newspaper in the world, which is a darn sight more than Mr.
Wilson and his economically incompetent socialist chums have achieved.
Leave it with me.
What does that mean? It means this needs a response.
A robust response.
- Philip - You deserve to be paid properly.
We deserve to be paid properly.
Well, I'm not going to rest until we are.
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MOTHER SUPERIOR IN GREEK.]
It's a genuine Ceylon sapphire set in diamonds.
[PAWNBROKER.]
No genuine sapphire is that size.
If even a fraction of that were real, it would be Test it.
[EXHALES.]
When you come up with an honest price, I will consider selling it.
You can find me at the Christian Sisterhood of Martha and Mary.
10 Pefkon Street, Neo Iraklio.
[SIRENS WAIL.]
[DOGS BARK IN THE DISTANCE.]
[BELL RINGS.]
Unbelievable! The jewelry gangs these days! The lengths they go to! - [PAWNBROKER.]
Did you arrest her? - [POLICEMAN.]
Who? [PAWNBROKER.]
The fake nun.
[POLICEMAN.]
There's nothing fake about her, you idiot.
She's a real nun.
And a real princess.
What? Princess Alice of Greece and Denmark was born in Windsor Castle.
Her great-uncle was the Tsar of Russia, her great-grandmother was Queen Victoria, and her son is married to the Queen of England.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Did you come up with a price yet, sweetie? [PHILIP.]
Uh, sweetie, are you there? Can you hear me? [SWITCH CLICKS.]
Sweetie? Sweetie? - Hello, sweetie? - [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK.]
[FOOTMAN.]
Your Royal Highness.
Hello, sweetie? Can you hear me? Do pick up.
Hello? - Your Royal Highness.
- [PHILIP.]
Hello? Sweetie? - Your Majesty.
- [ELIZABETH.]
Yes.
- His Royal Highness the Duke of - Not me, I'm afraid.
I'm "darling" or "cabbage.
" "Sweetie" is someone else.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ah, you see? It works.
- You asked to see me.
- Yes.
So - I've spoken to Colonel Adeane.
- Yes.
- And Martin Charteris.
- Yes.
- And William Heseltine.
- Oh.
A collection of the people you most hate in life.
- Hmm.
- Well, we all got together.
In a reptile cage? At a zoo? No.
It was decided that as part of a new public relations initiative, - you're going to be launched.
- What? Well, not like a rocket.
- Well, perhaps a bit like a rocket.
- Ah [PHILIP.]
And to that end, I'd like you to participate, alongside the whole family, in a landmark film to be shown on television.
Mm-hmm? I've told you the story, haven't I? That when I was a baby - Yes.
- we had to flee Greece.
- Yes, in a lemon crate.
- An orange crate.
And that was because the people had taken against us as the royal family.
From that moment on, we were displaced.
In exile.
I was I was without a proper home, without a family.
And I I don't want that for us.
I want people to like us, to feel that they know us.
[SCOFFS.]
I know you value your privacy, but I think there's a lot about you that they would like if they if they got a chance.
The fact that, generally, you're good value for money.
Like a pair of long-lasting boots? Is there anything one loves more in life than a pair of long-lasting boots? - It all sounds hideous.
- Yes.
I thought that's what you'd say.
But if you and the other reptiles insist I'm afraid we do.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
[QUEEN MOTHER.]
A film? [PHILIP.]
Yes.
It's a it's a documentary film.
- Tony, do you want to - It means, um no acting.
No artifice.
Just the real thing.
Like one of those wildlife films.
- Oh, I like those.
- Hmm.
Yes, except this time, we are the endangered species.
[PHILIP.]
Yes, exactly.
It will follow all of us in our daily lives to prove to everyone out there what we in here already know.
- What's that? - Well, how hard we all work.
And what good value we represent.
How much we deserve the taxpayers' money.
So we'll all have to get used to cameras being here all the time? Not all the time.
They will follow us on and off over the next few months.
So, all of you on best behavior.
It's jolly powerful that light, isn't it? Back it up, would you, Gary? - I'm sorry, ma'am.
- Yes, thank you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MAN.]
Ronald Lee.
David Salt.
- Terry Edwards.
- Your Majesty.
Sally Phipps.
[PHILIP.]
It must all seem very glamorous.
The British Olympic team for lunch, the American President for dinner, but it's a lot of work, a lot of preparation, and a lot of expense.
In terms of what it actually achieves, I like think that it, we, are worth every penny.
[DIRECTOR.]
Gents, over here.
Go on.
- Good afternoon, Prime Minister.
- Afternoon.
[WILSON.]
I was half-expecting cameras here to greet me.
Lights, microphones - Oh, you've heard? - Yes.
I'm afraid my husband is quite taken by the idea of this documentary.
And while I might not understand television, I do understand marriage, and when it is important to let someone shine.
Now, we have a lot to catch up on, not least a military coup in Athens.
Yes, um where, I believe, your mother-in-law's still living.
According to the Foreign Office, it's possible she's in some danger.
- [GUNFIRE.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[ANNOUNCER IN GREEK.]
This is a public announcement.
The government has fallen, and the military has assumed control of the city and the country.
All foreign nationals must leave immediately.
a shot of the table and And I'll sort of just chat about preparations.
We'll capture some of your conversations with the staff.
How long will that take? We should be ready any second.
Is that the most recent shot list? - Carry on.
- Yes, sir.
Hello, you.
I spoke to the Prime Minister today.
As you know, Athens is in the throes of a military coup.
Yes.
The Foreign Office view is that we should send a plane to bring your mother to England - to live here with us.
- Here? Yes, here.
I'm sure you'll agree there's room at the inn.
- When? - As soon as possible.
- Tomorrow? - We can't do that.
- Why not? - In case you hadn't noticed, we have cameras crawling all over the place.
As it happens, I had noticed.
Well, we can't afford to have my mother jeopardize this film.
- You know what she's like.
- A little eccentric, yes.
No, more than that.
She's not of our world, nor, frankly, suited to it.
She's She's been in institutions most of her adult life.
She's not She's not well.
And with this film, appearances are vital.
We need to be careful, very careful.
The answer is no.
[PHILIP.]
Are you ready? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on.
- [DIRECTOR.]
Camera ready.
- [PHILIP.]
Hurry up.
Of course she should come.
She's 82.
And if being mother to the Duke of Edinburgh, mother-in-law to the Queen isn't qualification enough, the fact that she's grandmother to our future king is.
Bring her over.
Put her in a room next to Princess Anne.
She can keep an eye on her.
Yes, ma'am.
[CLAPPERBOARD CLICKS.]
[CHANTING IN GREEK.]
[ALICE IN GREEK.]
Goodbye, my dear family.
Goodbye my dear sisters.
May the Lord bless you.
May the Lord protect you.
[GROANS.]
[EXHALES.]
Your Royal Highness.
Thank you.
Please, this way.
Your Majesty.
We're so happy to have you here with us, safe and sound.
You're very kind.
Too kind.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Bubbikins? I'm afraid your dear son is indisposed at the moment.
We're in the middle of having a film made.
What? It doesn't matter.
He'll come and visit you soon.
You must be tired.
We'll find someone to take you to your room.
Thank you.
- Bubbikins? - Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your room, Your Royal Highness.
Oh! It's lovely.
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
Your Royal Highness, just to say that Princess Alice has arrived.
Thank you, Martin.
[SIGHS.]
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
[ALICE SPEAKS GREEK.]
Mama! Sir, they're ready for you.
[MAN ON TV.]
Early morning, semi-detached, Highgate, London.
- Industrial consultant Rex - [QUEEN MOTHER.]
They're rolling, dear.
We are being filmed watching television.
That people might watch us watching television on their own television sets at home.
This really is plumbing new depths of banality.
[MAN ON TV.]
They're simple to operate, and experts predict that in 20 years' time, all new houses will be built with special computer points and that terminals will be cheaper to rent than today's telephones.
- What do we do now? - Do you expect us to say something? - Yes.
- Well, what? Did someone prepare something? [DIRECTOR.]
I think the general idea is it be unscripted to reflect a normal evening.
[MARGARET.]
This is nothing like a normal evening.
If it was a normal evening, we'd all be on our own in sad isolation in individual palaces.
It wouldn't be crowded like this.
This is like some kind of nightmare Christmas.
Rex Malik sees a future world where children could be virtually educated by computer, where every home will have its own terminal plugged into a central brain Uh, perhaps, Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, perhaps you might comment on what's on the television.
That'd be easier if there was something remotely amusing to watch.
I agree.
This is deathly.
Things might improve with a drink.
Everything improves with a drink.
Not everything.
Oh, don't be such a prig.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Colin.
- [DIRECTOR.]
And cut.
- [MARGARET.]
Oh, thank God for that.
[ALICE SIGHS.]
Hello? Hello? Hello, dear.
Do you mind? No, no, not at all.
There wasn't a light to be had anywhere in the palace.
[DIRECTOR.]
Who's that? The Duke of Edinburgh's mother, Princess Alice of Greece and Denmark.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[PHILIP.]
For God's sake.
Somebody stop that.
[SHOUTS.]
Now! Damn it! [DIRECTOR.]
Tell us about your convent.
[ALICE.]
Yes, it's called the Sisterhood of Martha and Mary, and it's at 10 Pefkon Street in Athens.
[DIRECTOR.]
Tell us more about Greece.
Is Greece in trouble today? Is that what brought you to this Stop.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
It's a nightmare.
We have to get her out of here.
- Somewhere no one will see her.
- What? We are in the middle of filming a documentary, which is critical as a public relations exercise.
On this occasion, the filmmakers agreed to give up the footage.
Next time, they might not be so kind.
Her presence at the palace threatens to derail the entire thing.
- Why are you so angry with her? - I'm not angry.
Yes, you are.
You're furious.
Have you even been to see her yet since she arrived? - You haven't.
- Let me give you some advice.
Stop patronizing me! Stop interfering and stop meddling.
Just stop.
You know nothing.
I know that she's your mother.
- Technically, yes.
- What is that supposed to mean? It means she gave birth to me.
She was never a mother.
Philip.
Philip! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Rosa came running to me in the middle of the night and said, "We have to get more buckets!" It was like listening to an orchestra overnight.
Ping, pong, ping [LAUGHTER.]
It was really quite funny, except, of course, we were all soaking wet and jolly cold.
[ELIZABETH.]
Ah, two of you.
- Your Majesty.
- Oh.
Yaya's been telling me the most incredible stories about her life.
[ELIZABETH.]
Has she? I just came to make sure you had everything you need.
Please.
Oh, yes.
I have more than everything.
But her convent doesn't.
- Darling, shush.
- It needs £200 for the roof.
- Really? - It's true.
And £300 for new medicine and beds.
So, we're busy writing to patrons and benefactors, asking for money.
The palace writing paper we think it could help.
And if there's anything here we might consider selling.
Such as? A painting.
A painting? Or a clock.
There are so many clocks everywhere.
You wouldn't miss one or two, surely? It's not quite so simple.
Some of them aren't ours to sell.
But maybe your darling son will be good enough to make a donation.
Oh.
Bubbikins.
Yes, Bubbikins.
In the meantime, we'll get you some more cigarettes, and I promise we'll have a big jumble sale of all the palace valuables on our return.
Please.
What? - Morning, Bridget.
- Morning, John.
[BRIDGET.]
Excited to watch tonight? [JOHN.]
I couldn't be more excited.
- Morning, Bridget.
- Good morning.
Right.
Turn it on.
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
Buckingham Palace, known around the world as the home of Queen Elizabeth II.
- Until now, an impenetrable fortress - [ELIZABETH GASPS.]
Here we go.
its inner workings hidden from view.
That is all about to change.
We have been granted a rare peek behind the curtains to the home of the most important family in Britain.
As the day begins Oh, no, my hair looks frightful.
How many pounds do they say the camera adds, dear? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Shush.
- But like many of her subjects - Turn it up.
the Queen has an office job, and with five departments to manage, she relies heavily on her private secretaries.
Thank you.
[ADEANE.]
And these are the recommendations for the [NARRATOR.]
These men manage all the Queen's engagements and responsibilities, and nothing goes on in the palace without their knowledge.
As the day goes on, it brings with it more royal duties.
[MAN.]
I hereby list the following titles [NARRATOR.]
First of all, a meeting of the Privy Council.
Now, you might be wondering why no one is sitting down.
Well, no one quite knows the answer.
But it certainly helps to keep things brief.
[ANNE.]
I wonder what's more dull, having to sit through one of those meetings or having to watch it on television.
[NARRATOR.]
But it's not only the Queen who has royal duties.
The Queen Mother, too, carries out many public engagements.
Well, they captured your best side, at least.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [PHILIP.]
Shush.
Oh, look, Mummy.
It's your big close-up.
I'm ready, Mr.
DeMille! [LAUGHTER.]
[NARRATOR.]
One of Her Majesty's favorite pastimes is overseeing operations at the 150-acre stud at Sandringham.
But even then, royal duties never let up.
Nor does the endless round of functions and receptions.
There's always some kind of occasion to prepare for, and, whatever the function, the quality of food and service must be second to none.
These events may seem indulgent, but they are of national importance, as is the formality.
Ambassadors must be treated exactly the same to avoid the impression that one is favored over another.
[AMBASSADOR.]
It's been a great honor, Your Majesty.
I found it very interesting, Ambassador.
World problems are so complex, aren't they? [NARRATOR.]
Of course, it's not all dinners and duty.
Although the Queen and Prince Philip are often separated from their children, the holidays are a time for family, and they make sure to take them regularly and often.
- Night, John.
- Night, Sally.
[BAGPIPES PLAY.]
[NARRATOR.]
A favorite destination is Balmoral Castle - [LAUGHS.]
- the Queen's private residence in the Highlands of Scotland.
[JOHN.]
"Last night, the nation tuned in as one to watch a documentary that would restore the royal family to their rightful place at the heart of the nation's affections.
Sadly, that was not what they got.
It's hard to imagine what they were thinking, agreeing to open the doors to television cameras.
That stripped of all ceremony and mystery, we would marvel at how normal they were, how remarkably like us.
That watching them travel from castle to castle, palace to palace in yachts and aeroplanes we pay for, stalking on land they own, fishing on rivers they own, and cooking barbecues in forests they own, we would reflect on how tirelessly they toil, what good value for money they represent, and be moved to increase the amount of money we pay them.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- Louder, John.
Don't be shy! Come on! Let's all hear it.
Come on, John.
- Come on.
- "Even the most ardent monarchist must concede that the strongest piece of armor in the monarchy's arsenal is its sense of mystery, from which derives its air of majesty.
" [WOMAN.]
Hear, hear! "The only thing awe-inspiring about this lot is the size of their over-inflated sense of self-entitlement [LAUGHTER.]
and their ability to practice a line in small talk that would have life support patients reaching for the off switch.
" [CHEERING.]
Well done, John.
Well done.
[WILSON.]
Wonderful viewing figures.
The highest for a factual documentary ever.
And some lovely reviews in the newspapers this morning.
- They were brutal.
- None that I read.
I like to think I understand television as well as anyone in the country.
I owe my political life to it.
And that's because I've learned, over time, how to do it.
How to make it work for me.
Perhaps the royal family is not best suited to it.
Television is good for normal people.
But that was the whole point.
To show everyone that behind palace gates, we are perfectly normal people.
- No, ma'am, you're not normal.
- Aren't we? We wake up in the morning, go to bed at night.
We work, get tired, get colds.
We have uncles that embarrass us, Christmases to endure.
We are perfectly normal.
But people don't consider you to be and if I may say, and this is where it gets a little complicated they don't want you to be normal.
Well, what do they want? Tell me.
It's all any of us want to know.
What do you want from us? Well, the truth is, we don't know what we want.
[SCOFFS.]
Other than we want you to be ideal.
An ideal.
No human being is ideal.
Only God is ideal.
Which is why I'd favor the royal family being kept out of sight, out of mind, for our own survival and sanity.
But the thing is we can't be hidden away.
We have to be in full view all the time.
So, what's the answer? The best we've come up with so far is ritual and mystery.
Because it keeps us hidden while still in plain sight.
The smoke and the mirrors, the mystery and the protocol, it's not there to keep us apart.
It is there to keep us alive.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
- You rang? - [PHILIP.]
Yes.
Sit down.
[PHILIP CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, it seems the documentary not only failed to achieve what I had hoped for, it has somehow achieved the opposite.
Instead of writing about what good value for money we represent, these commentators are united in their mockery of our our woodenness, our stupidity, our vanity, extravagance - Well, I did warn you.
- Do not say you warned me.
I did.
It was always a daft idea.
It was always going to backfire.
Is it really necessary for you to speak your mind quite so mercilessly at every opportunity? Well, where do you think I get that from? [SIGHS.]
So, what are you going to do? [SIGHS.]
Actually, I was hoping we might talk about what you're going to do.
I would like to offer you to The Manchester Guardian as the subject of a major, in-depth profile.
Why them? Why not The Daily Telegraph, or the Daily Mail, or someone we could expect to be a little bit friendly? Because, in the light of all this criticism, an endorsement from our most vocal critics would represent more of a turnaround.
If we can get an endorsement.
You're the most thrifty, feet on the ground, low-profile, unpretentious royal we've got.
If anyone can salvage this, you can.
[PHILIP.]
Give me the press secretary.
John, I've just had a phone call from the palace press secretary.
Oh, let me guess, demanding an apology, calling my criticism unpatriotic, treasonous No, to offer us an interview with Princess Anne.
What? Little Miss Dumpy and Grumpy? Yes, and, uh, most bizarrely of all, they've specifically requested you as the writer.
Oh, they really have gone mad.
- North central gate, please, sir.
- [DRIVER.]
Right you are.
John Armstrong from The Guardian to see Anne.
Who? - Princess Anne, for the interview? - Yes, sir.
Right this way.
- Wait here, please, sir.
- Thank you.
- Now, Yaya.
- What? Run.
Go! [COUGHS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Mr.
Armstrong, did you not receive the message? Her Royal Highness Princess Anne is-is, um is unwell, with a heavy cold, and is indisposed.
- No, they didn't tell me.
- I'm so sorry.
I'll see you out.
- Who's that? - Um, who? The nun.
That's, uh - That's Princess Alice.
- Who? Mother of His Royal Highness Duke of Edinburgh.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Oh, do you think she'd talk to me? Uh, no, certainly not.
Uh, so, if you don't mind - I could ask her myself.
- No, that wouldn't be appropriate.
- Please, Mr.
Armstrong - Hello.
Hello, I'm John Armstrong.
I'm writing an article about the royal family for The Guardian.
- Can I ask you some questions? - What? I'm John Armstrong from The Guardian.
Could we have an interview? - Yes, of course.
- She said yes.
[ALICE COUGHS.]
So, my dear, how can I help you? Well, I think the people in this country would be very interested to get to know the Queen's mother-in-law.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
So We should start from the very beginning.
But I'm ancient.
We could be here a long time.
And I have all the time in the world.
Well I was born in Windsor Castle.
Queen Victoria herself was present at my birth.
Was she? Everyone thought I was a slow child.
Slow? In which sense? - Walking? - No, dear.
[COUGHS.]
Slow in here.
Right.
I was born deaf.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But otherwise perfectly normal? Well, I thought so.
But obviously others didn't, because then I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
[TAKES NOTES.]
And sent to an asylum.
A mental asylum? Yes.
I was treated by Sigmund Freud.
He was not a kind man.
Go on.
I was there for just over two years.
Mm-hmm.
And I managed to escape.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
- [TYPEWRITER CLICKS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
[PRAYS.]
Bubbikins.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"It is a common staple of mother-in-law jokes that having one come to stay is a nightmare.
But having this mother-in-law to stay can only be a blessing.
" Oh.
"For Princess Alice is that rarest of creatures a member of a royal family that has suffered more than the rest of us, worked harder than the rest of us, and created more good than the rest of us.
Congenitally deaf, she was consistently misunderstood, marginalized and underestimated.
Doctors inflicted untold horrors on her, X-raying her womb to bring on menopause and reduce her libido and electroshock treatment to treat her hysteria.
But instead of bitterness, Princess Alice dedicated her life to charity work, public service, and campaigning for social justice, often at great personal risk.
" Well, it goes on and on.
It's a love letter.
I owe you an apology.
Whatever for? My faithlessness.
All this time, I've been trying to keep you out of sight of the cameras, when, quite clearly, you should have been center stage.
If anyone owes anyone an apology, we both know it's the other way round.
At least your sisters had something of their mother.
When we were forced to leave Greece, I couldn't cope.
I needed care.
I needed help.
But that that wasn't help that they gave you.
It was torture.
- They tried their best.
- No.
The treatment they gave you was barbaric.
And your courage in rising above it was remarkable.
I didn't do it alone.
I couldn't have.
I had help every step of the way.
Now, Bubbikins, you mentioned faithlessness.
How is your faith? - Dormant.
- What? Dormant.
That's not good.
Let this be a mother's gift to her child.
The one piece of advice Find yourself a faith.
It helps.
No Not just helps.
It's everything.
Oh, it looks like it's clearing up.
What do you say? A walk? So, we'll move lunch with Lord and Lady Casey to the 12th, meaning there's enough time for the presentation of the Queen's Colour to the Central Flying School at RAF Little Rissington on the 9th.
Well done.
Thank you, Michael.
Is that everything? There is one more thing, ma'am.
The royal family documentary has had a great deal of interest from overseas broadcasters.
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, - CBS in the United States - No.
- Ma'am? - I don't think so.
Right.
I gather the BBC plans to repeat it in three weeks' time.
I don't think that either.
As a matter of fact, I think it best if that documentary were never seen again, anywhere, by anyone.
Can I leave that with you? Yes, ma'am.
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]