The Detour (2016) s03e10 Episode Script

1 [Speaking Japanese.]
Would somebody please tell me what the [bleep.]
These Japanese cowboys are all about? Nate: I told you the town was this way.
I looks like a ghost town.
No, I saw people from the plane.
- It's really creepy.
- Yeah, well, it's shelter, so just stop being so negative, please.
Sorry.
My first plane crash and drug trip must be affecting my positivity somehow.
You know what, man Hello?! Anybody here?! Hello! Anyone? Hello! We need help! Hello! - Oh! Hey! Hey! - Oh! Hey! - Hi! We're so lost! - Hi, how are you? Thank God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh! - Whoa, whoa! Gun down! - Please! - Reach for the sky.
We'll reach, okay, okay! Please, please, we mean you no harm! Robin: We were just we were in a plane crash, and we're super lost.
We just need help.
Please, man! We got children.
Don't do this! Stop right there.
We're stopped, we're not walking any further.
Yeah, please just put the gun down! This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Can he see us? Put the gun down, we will walk right out of this town right now.
There's a snake in my boot.
- What? - What? - I told you there were snakes out here.
- Shh! Hold on.
Guys, something's not right about this.
Does this guy have "Andy" written on the bottom of his boot? Stop talking.
To infinity What? And beyond! Go ahead Whoa, whoa! - Make my day.
- That's not even from a Western.
Whoa.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa! Everybody guns down! Please! We are just a family! We mean you no harm.
[Speaking Japanese.]
[Scoffs, laughs.]
Reach for the sky! Okay, we're reached, we're reached! Okay.
On my mark, you run over there, protect the children.
- Wh-What are you gonna do? - What I always do.
Oh, God, don't say "get some.
" Please don't get some.
Please don't get some.
Please don't get some.
Please don't get some! Get some! Go! [Screams.]
Oh, my God! I just killed somebody! Great! Kill more! Ugh! Oh! [Grunts.]
Reach for the sk [Chuckling.]
Delilah, no! What is happening?! [Speaking Japanese.]
[Laughs.]
Go big or go home.
[Speaking Japanese.]
They're dying, but they're not bleeding.
What are they? - Zombies.
- Cosplayers.
- [Gunshots, shouting.]
- Babe.
Babe, get out of the road! You're gonna get shot! - Sweetheart, they're blanks.
- What?! It's a bunch of Pacific Rim LARPers playing dress-up.
What are you talking about? LARPers.
I don't know what that means?! Live action role-playing.
Oh, you think this is role-playing?! I don't think so, sister! [Groaning.]
See? [Speaks Japanese.]
Oh, shit.
[All groaning.]
I guess I killed that guy like 10 times.
Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Hey, Delilah, shoot me with the gun.
[Gunshot.]
Ah Ah Aah! This is the best vacation ever! [Laughs.]
[Speaking Japanese.]
So what is this place? Well, for about three years now, Mr.
Tanaka and his associates have been coming up here for a few weeks out of the year to live out their favorite cowboy movies.
Isn't that something? It's It's kind of awesome.
I got to admit.
You know, all the guns and the dresses, they're just Everything looks and feels so real.
Oh, thank you.
I mean, we take a lot of pride in being period correct.
Without the danger, of course.
It's all just make believe.
Oh, okay, so you're not actually a prostitute.
- Babe! - I'm just saying, she's not actually available for sexual services, so stop looking at her like she is.
I'm not.
Listen, we need to get out of here.
How do we do that? Uh, well, we have a shuttle leaving for Fairbanks in two days.
I mean, you and your family are No, no, no, no, that's that's not soon enough.
- Do you have a radio? - Babe! - What? - Cool down, she's being nice.
She needs to put on a sweater.
She does not.
Do not let her ruin your authenticity.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Um, Mr.
Tanaka has offered up his cabin.
It's up on the hill.
And there are clothes, and you can take a bath which it looks like you sorely need.
She does.
And thank you again for everything.
For all of it.
Like, just thank you so, so much.
Aw.
Well, I would politely ask that you stay out of the town center.
Because we have crafted another high noon duel at 3:00 P.
M.
The boys are gonna fight the Pinkertons.
Come to collect for the banks.
[Both laugh.]
Fun fact about the Pinkertons Oh, do we look like we give a shit about American history? We're not Japanese.
Come on, let's go.
We should really talk about what we're gonna do.
We did already.
We're gonna turn ourselves in.
Right? I'm gonna pretend I don't know anything and act like I'm a big, dumb idiot that doesn't know how things work.
He's really good with a gun, huh? - Nice shooting, boy! - I know about all that.
But once we're past all the legal shit, you know, we just put these kids through so much.
They don't deserve this life.
I mean, I'm doing the same thing to them that my dad did to me.
I'm gonna wake up one day, and they're just gonna be gone.
Mnh-mnh.
No way, man.
This family is due for a win.
This family doesn't get wins.
We don't even get ties.
At least when I was being developmentally neglected, we stayed in fancy French hotels.
This, we're just, you know, on the run in Like, wow, that's smooth.
- Right? - Yeah.
Yeah, and these are my babies, you know? - Mm-hmm.
- And I'm I'm forcing them.
I'm forcing them to Is it made of butter? - It's really - It's so good.
Really, really good.
I'll take this over a fancy, snooty French hotel any day.
It's like a firm handshake.
Mm.
Like a successful merger.
Mm.
Get some.
I guess we could do worse.
- We could do way worse.
- Yeah.
Hey, kids? Kids?! Don't go away.
Come back.
Mommy needs a hug.
Yeah, it's probably best you don't kiss them and hug them while you're naked and drunk in a hot tub.
I'm not drunk yet.
Right, well you will be.
You will be.
Okay, so, Bill, you're gonna jump out of the barrel.
And you better have worked up that Irish accent.
Oh, we've been doing this show for three years now.
We haven't got anything better than the barrel surprise? Do you have a better dramatic entrance planned for us, Bill?! 'Cause I'd love to see that! [Trumpet plays "Dixie" over loudspeaker.]
Can that be any more anachronistic, Bill? Oh, God.
Jesus Christ.
- This is a goddamn ghost town! - No, they're here.
No, there is literally no one here.
Hey, hey, Robin Randall! Robin Randall, are you here? - Robin Randall! - Oh, my God! This is the Alaskan Free State Battalion, 1st Mountain Division.
I'm General Mark.
Joining me is Driver General Kevin and Maps General Carol.
Surrender peacefully and we'll spare your lives.
I hate you so much.
So what if we did live in this magic whiskey old West-ville? What would we do? Well, probably start every day with one of these oh! Amazing sex baths.
And then, I don't know, split wood.
- What would I do? - You'd be splitting wood.
I'll be inside, showering off all the dirt from the sex bath.
Oh, you know, we could make candles.
That sounds like something people - who lost their shit would do, right? - Yeah, I guess so.
- How do you even make candles? - What are you talking about? You melt other candles and make them out of those? Where do you get those candles? - Other candles.
- But then where do you - Let's go.
- No, get out, get out!! Out? I'm already outside.
We have to run! The heat's here! I told you this family doesn't get wins.
No, we're not running.
I'm not giving you guys the life my dad gave me.
We're stopping right now.
Are you guys still having sex? No! Yes.
Ma'am, is that them? It's them.
Stop right there! Put your hands in the air! - Really? Are we doing this? - He's got a gun, General.
Thank you, General.
General, what should we do? Drop your weapon, or I will take you out! - No one is taking anyone out.
- They're fake.
Yeah, the don't know that.
Why did you put that on? Because it looks stupid without the guns, okay? It looked like a double fanny pack.
Drop you goddamn weapons! All three of you turds stop talking right now.
Sorry, ma'am.
General's orders.
That's right, General.
Out here, we respect the chain of command.
No one outranks a general.
Anyone shoots anything, I'm gonna put all three of you shitheads in jail, too, okay? - Nate! - "Nate"? - What? That's my name.
- It's a first-name basis.
Nate, just put your hands in the air, please! What would you like me to do hands up or remove my fake weapons? He's not complying.
Comply! Comply! To which order? He's not complying to my order to comply! General! Holy shit! Guys, we're a family, all right.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Don't be stupid.
First you killed General Sleepy, now you're calling us stupid? Oh, you are gonna be in for payback! I didn't kill him.
He had terminal something.
He would have told me if he could remember what it was.
- Oh, God.
- He was old.
I thought he was sleeping in the plane and then he was dead.
He was dead.
It was a moment for me.
I I gave him a eulogy.
I tried to honor him.
We both both of us did.
We both wanted that.
And we were gonna burn him, and then the rain came.
The Alaskan weather.
Edie.
- "Edie"? - That's her name, okay? Edie, come on, you remember Wasilla? Yes, yes, the thing with the guy.
Yes.
Same thing.
The situation just got out of control.
It happens, I understand.
Anyway, long story short, kids got high and kicked him off a mountain.
I say we take those kids out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Goddamn it, General! Children are our future.
Guys Guys, listen to me.
Please.
Everything is gonna be okay.
I promise.
You just have to stop running.
Okay? Reach for the sky.
What the f Oh, shit! Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, God! This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
- What? - Go ahead make my day.
No, no, Tanaka-San! Tanaka-San! Bad idea! Bad idea! Edie, Edie! It's all fake.
Some weird Japanese cosplay bullshit.
- Wait, what? - You told me you liked it.
I do.
I do.
You've done a magnificent job.
- You really have.
- Why now? She really has.
Trust me, we went through this today already.
It is all fake.
They just love American history.
You think "Fat Man" and "Little Boy" would cure them of their love for cowboys and Sha Na Na.
We got bogeys at all the o'clocks, General.
I say we light them up! No, just stop! Don't do anything! - This is your final warning! - That's a good idea.
General Carol, send them a warning! - Oh, shit.
- What? No! Go! - [Laughs.]
- Whoo! - Yeah! Oh! - Whoo! Get on the ground! Get on the goddamn ground! I've got the Randalls and so much more.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, thank you, sir.
It's good to be back.
All right.
You did good, little girl.
Oh! Put your hands on top of your head.
Do what she says.
Ow! Oh, oh, shit! What, what? I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Oh, my God.
After all we've been through, that's the thing that breaks you? I haven't done yoga in a year! Ow! Oh, God, it hurts! So you wasted how many years of your life on the run? About two.
But the important thing is that we're free.
And alive and we're still a family.
Yeah, speaking of which, where the hell is your sister? - She's in the bathroom.
- Well, go get her.
We're gonna go.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
If you release them, I will never find J.
R.
They are my hostages witnesses! Shit! Lady, lady, listen to me.
What is your obsession with my father? So he owes a few back tariffs? Okay, he's a multimillionaire.
He can come in here, and he can write a check tomorrow.
Then why doesn't he?! I feel like I've been chasing him my entire life.
Well, you're never gonna find him.
He's a ghost.
Disappearing is what he does.
- Oh, it's just so frustrating! - Yeah, tell me about it.
Try having him miss your teenage years.
- Yeah, I know.
- Uh, no, I don't think you do.
Do you know how many birthdays he missed? - All of them.
- Exactly.
- Mine, too.
- No Christmases.
- None.
- No Thanksgivings.
- No Halloweens.
- He was never there.
- Never! - Ever.
Office Randall, sign these release forms and send these people on their way.
- Randall? - Hmm? Are you shitting me right now? What? Are you shitting me? Is that what this is about? No! This is about J.
R.
This is about someone who has never had to answer for what they've done.
And he needs to understand that choices have consequences and that he broke the government's heart! So it is about that.
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
Um, can somebody tell me what's going on? Are you serious right now? I really thought Vanessa was the stupid sister.
Oh, she is my stupid sister.
Your stupid sister.
- Yeah, my stupid sister.
- No, no, no.
Honey, youses' stupid sister.
No, listen, hey, Nate does not consider her a sister because they had sex once.
Holy shit! - She's your sister! - No, I'm your sister! It's me! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a sister! - Oh, my God! - I'm right here.
Shh.
It's not about you right now.
Oh, shit! I never thought this story would have a happy ending.
No, nobody did.
Who's happy about me being framed? I went to prison.
You were gone for two years.
I was very happy.
I just can't wait for this little guy to meet his aunt.
And his cousins and his father.
- Father? - Uncle.
I meant uncle.
I don't know why I said father.
I'm so sorry.
So weird.
Then why did you say that? I just 'cause I think 'cause we were talking about our father, and so I was, like, thinking father, but then I was like - She conflated it.
- It happens.
It just came out.
But you pointed at me, and you said "father.
" No, I didn't.
I was, like, pointing just generally, like, gesticulating like this.
This is so great.
I'm so excited that we have this, like, big happy family now.
[Both laughing.]
- No.
- We don't need it.
Delilah? Delilah, we're leaving.
Hey.
Get out.
Delilah? Delilah? Oh, shit.
5'5", blonde hair, eyes hazel.
Name is Delilah Cherry Parker.
We have a missing girl, 5'5", blonde hair, hazel eyes.
Name is Delilah Cherry Parker.
Where is my daughter? Somebody say something.
Somebody please help.
She's nowhere in the building.
Trust me, Robin, I promise we'll find her.
What are you talking about? You spent the past 20 years not finding Randalls.
Your sister the runaway type, kid? Well, I mean, she rides a snowmobile, but usually, she doesn't go anywhere.
- Where is she?! - Baby, baby, it's fine, okay? She did not run away.
She left her stupid alpaca.
She doesn't go anywhere without this thing.
Mom, Dad, it's me Delilah.
So, I guess by now you figured out that I've run away.
- What? - It wasn't an easy decision to make, but it was one I made a long time ago.
I just want you to know that I love you all, but I can probably do better on my own.
I mean, seriously, how could I do worse? Please, don't come looking for me.
I don't want to be found.
And, frankly, I've learned from the best.
That means you, Mom.
So believe me when I tell you you'll never find me.
Robin, she's your daughter.
She loves you.
She probably just got scared because of the arrest and the blowing up a building.
But she's a kid.
She doesn't have the tools to just disappear.
Robin: The first thing you need to do is become someone that no one's looking for.
So that means finding dead people who are around the same age as you.
Fist bump.
Next up, birth certificates.
Which means you find a lonely desperate county clerk who will believe anything you say.
You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray What's she gonna do? She doesn't have any money.
You'll never know, dear How much I love you I see you managed to spend the money I sent you back.
What money? My sunshine away Where's she gonna go on foot in Alaska? Trust me, not far.
- That's the guy you like? - Mm-hmm.
But mostly I'm just using him for his car.
I've always loved you I promise you have the full cooperation of the United States government.
Trust me, Robin.
We'll find her.
No, you won't.
But now you've left me To love another You have shattered all of my dreams You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy When skies are gray You'll never know, dear How much I love you Please don't take my sunshine away