The Detour (2016) s04e06 Episode Script
The Game Show
Let's go! [Tanaka laughs.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Nate: How are you doing? [Laughter.]
This harness is really cutting off circulation to my balls, so if someone could please get me down, I'd appreciate Whoa! [Horn honks.]
Oh! Get me down! [Horn honks.]
Get me down! Get me a ladder or something! Put the ladder down! Wait, wait.
What the [Horn honks.]
is this show? [Gong rings.]
Oh, yeah.
The old pie in the face gag.
Ultimate humiliation.
The suit's kind of doing that already.
Ohhh, no.
[Laughter.]
Ha ha.
What'd he say? I think he said "leech" Oh, baby.
There's leeches on your face.
Then get them off! Take them off! - Me? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
[Screams.]
Ooh.
[Horn honks.]
[Laughter.]
[Screams.]
[Horn honking.]
Alright.
Humiliation endured, right? Stupid American family.
People of Japan, listen to me, please.
Our daughter has been missing for over a year.
- Her name's Delilah What? What? - Shh, shh, shh! No, no! You have to respect the game.
We have to earn time.
I earned it by having leeches on my face.
[Gong rings.]
[Buzzer.]
Come on.
[Cheers and applause.]
Hey, I'm still harnessed here.
Ah [Horn honks.]
Ah! [Horn honks.]
[Man singing in Japanese.]
[Distorted music plays.]
[Static.]
Oh, milk it! Oh, yes.
Japanese cow schoolgirl power! Yeah, I think I finally found something I'm good at.
And I don't think I'm allergic to cats anymore.
Yeah.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
Babe, this is what we signed up for, okay? Ohh! God! [Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
Why would you pick pots and pans? Because I thought I was picking things to take home.
Ohh, we have pots and pans.
No, those are cast iron.
We have the non-stick imitation kind.
These are so much better.
- [Gong rings.]
- Before I do this, I want you to remember how much interest I take in your hobbies.
I know, baby, and that's why I love you so much.
Come on.
That's a Why would you choose a bowling ball? Because you love bowling.
I always thought you wanted to get your own ball.
Oh, God.
Please say the last thing is a pillow.
But we have pillows.
What is it? Okay, baby.
It is gonna hurt real bad.
What is it? It's a microwave.
Why would you pick a microwave?! Because you know that little nook in the kitchen right in the corner, the one we have that sticks out, and this one will go perfectly in that little area.
The big one has worked fine for 16 years! Well, obviously, we'll take the cash.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ow! Bucket's full.
- Drink.
- Drink the milk.
Come on.
Drink the milk.
Drink a lot! [Groaning.]
Oh, oh, the milk! It's so hot! I thought this came from a fake cow.
Ugh.
We really shouldn't drink other species' milk.
Unless after Bozosan's chocolate cake-flavor shrimp chips.
Bozosan's chocolate-flavor shrimp chips.
Moo! - I'm done! - [Cheers and applause.]
Jared, talk about your sister! - What? - Talk about your sister.
Jared.
Sister.
What are you doing? Keep flossing, Jared-o.
Nate: Stop flossing, Jared-o.
Stop flossing and talk about your [Horn honks.]
sister! I can't.
Everyone loves it.
Time's up! Let's go! [Announcers speak Japanese.]
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'm not gonna touch another man's penis.
Hai.
Have you never touched a penis you didn't want to? - No, never.
- Mom, please.
It's just 12 penises.
[Speaks Japanese.]
With Bozosan's Bitcoin-flavored shrimp chips.
Number one for tech nerds and human traffickers.
Welcome back to the show.
Now for the most American show host ever.
Please welcome Johnny Meatballs.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Laughter.]
[Speaks Japanese.]
[Sighs.]
I'll go on first.
Ha ha, Abbott and Costello.
[Laughter.]
Mr.
Baseball! Tom Selleck! I'm not understanding this game at all.
You think I get it? I think he's gonna ask us questions.
We answer truthfully.
[Cheers and applause.]
Uh What? - 39.
- Don't cheat.
I'm 39 years old.
I don't know.
It doesn't seem right.
- Yes.
- Why would you say that? No lie.
Okay, okay.
American sweetheart Brittany Spears-u.
Or American Big Mac cheeseburger.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Americans eat more than fish and rice.
Cool.
Britney Spears.
[Gasps.]
[Speaks Japanese.]
[Audience "Aww's".]
- Me? - Yes.
Oh, uh, I don't I don't I don't what is Pick a name for the dog.
Bandit.
No.
I don't like that.
I Spot.
No, hold on.
It's Band Bandit was better.
I want Bandit.
Let's go with Bandit.
Uh-oh.
[Conversing in Japanese.]
[Roars.]
Did Did we win? How much time did we win? Hold on.
So the dog's name was actually Spot, which means she lies.
That is a lie.
And also, don't you just have to answer yes or no on polygraphs? - Isn't that how it works? - [Cheers and applause.]
Yes.
She has.
Yes, thank you for bringing that up.
- That's why we're here.
- - Great.
Fantastic.
- - Awesome.
- Yeah? Wait.
What? Uh Geez, uh Wasn't anybody's fault.
How come I can't get an easy one like name a [Horn honks.]
dog? No.
I No.
- What are you doing? Answer him.
- I don't want to.
30 seconds? Come on.
Let's go.
The price is right.
Let's go.
What's the big deal? Yes.
Okay.
Fine.
- Fine.
It's my fault.
- Yes.
Sure.
Yeah.
Out of the three of us, yeah.
It's me.
He lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Ooh! Oh! I didn't lie.
I didn't lie.
Ow! [Buzzer.]
So hold on.
Does that mean you think it was my fault? No.
And I tell you once again - he lie.
- [Buzzer.]
So obviously you think it's my fault.
Oh, you don't think it's his fault, do you? You're hooked up to a lie detector right now.
A lie detector needs to have contact with your skin, okay? Most of these cords aren't even plugged in, - and even if they were - [Alarm beeping.]
This thing thinks you're 39.
Tanaka: Jared believes his mother when she say she 39.
Obviously, she's not 39.
Robin: Okay.
Okay.
So I think there's a lot of blame to go around.
- But mostly on me.
- I Maybe.
No.
Yes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
All I know is that when I went away on a fishing trip in Alaska Tanaka: He caught crabs.
I caught hake.
Oh.
Okay? All I know is that three days later, after I got back, my daughter was gone.
Robin: So you do think it's my fault? - How is it my fault? - I don't know.
Maybe you not being there for us.
I went away to provide for us.
You abandoned us.
For money.
Tanaka: Classic American capitalist destruction.
They will rebound.
Maybe! [Laughter.]
Whoo! Hey, hey, hey! Bad mother shrimp chips! Ooh, yeah! Bad mama! Ooh, yeah! Bad mama! Mmm, yummy.
[Woman speaks Japanese.]
Now So I just get my feet bit by fish? - Sweet.
- Why didn't I get that one? I haven't chosen anything.
- Enjoy your box.
- Thanks.
Yeah? That's it? Sure.
- Fine.
I can sing.
- Yeah.
Of course.
Everybody can do that.
Classic American standard.
Of course, but What? I think I lost something in the translation.
- You're talking about a hand job?! - No.
Absolutely not.
No.
Yes, I would, but not on national television.
- No.
- Nothing to be seen.
I don't care if my son is right there.
[Cheers and applause.]
Nope.
Not gonna do it.
Absolutely not.
Nope.
No.
I know my wife, and she's not gonna go along with this.
Ha ha, well, joke's on you, pal, 'cause I've trained for this my whole life.
There is no way I Why are you using lube? [Laughter.]
Please.
Almost heaven West Virginia [Horn honks.]
Blue Ridge Mountains Shenandoah River Slow down.
Life is old there, older than the trees Baby, seriously.
Younger than the [Mumbling.]
Blowing like a breeze Country roads Country roads Don't use your fingers now Come on.
Come on! To the place Not fingers.
What are you doing?! I belong Oh, my God.
Now? [Mumbling.]
Take me home No, no.
Country ro [Horn honks.]
[Horn honks.]
Oh [Horn honks.]
me.
Yay! It's everywhere.
[Laughter.]
Ohh, why would you do that? Why would you make me do that on national television? - It's not okay.
- So much shame.
Babe, you enjoyed! Who's in the box? Who's in the box? [Laughs.]
Who's in the box?! Nate, Nate.
What are you doing? Talk! [Mumbles.]
You have to Nate! Speak! I you got Aaaaah! Say things about your daughter! [Laughter.]
So Japan is all you remember from the past year? 21 minutes out of an entire year? Jared: No.
I remember waiting at consulates and embassies waiting for phones to ring, but the game show really was the highlight.
I can't believe you guys traveled the world without me.
No, we traveled the world looking for you, and it sucked.
- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
You know, you can come back if you want to.
- Why would I want to do that? - I don't know.
I just thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Why don't you come with me? Where? I'm going to Russia next week to live with Pee Paw.
I don't want to live in Russia.
Well, I guess I won't be seeing you then.
So you're never gonna come back, ever? Maybe.
Pro Probably not.
Just funerals.
Guy, rate of play.
Rate of play.
Or let the families play through.
You've been on this hole for like an hour.
Your whole family? Assholes.
All of them.
[Cheers and applause.]
Nate: How are you doing? [Laughter.]
This harness is really cutting off circulation to my balls, so if someone could please get me down, I'd appreciate Whoa! [Horn honks.]
Oh! Get me down! [Horn honks.]
Get me down! Get me a ladder or something! Put the ladder down! Wait, wait.
What the [Horn honks.]
is this show? [Gong rings.]
Oh, yeah.
The old pie in the face gag.
Ultimate humiliation.
The suit's kind of doing that already.
Ohhh, no.
[Laughter.]
Ha ha.
What'd he say? I think he said "leech" Oh, baby.
There's leeches on your face.
Then get them off! Take them off! - Me? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
[Screams.]
Ooh.
[Horn honks.]
[Laughter.]
[Screams.]
[Horn honking.]
Alright.
Humiliation endured, right? Stupid American family.
People of Japan, listen to me, please.
Our daughter has been missing for over a year.
- Her name's Delilah What? What? - Shh, shh, shh! No, no! You have to respect the game.
We have to earn time.
I earned it by having leeches on my face.
[Gong rings.]
[Buzzer.]
Come on.
[Cheers and applause.]
Hey, I'm still harnessed here.
Ah [Horn honks.]
Ah! [Horn honks.]
[Man singing in Japanese.]
[Distorted music plays.]
[Static.]
Oh, milk it! Oh, yes.
Japanese cow schoolgirl power! Yeah, I think I finally found something I'm good at.
And I don't think I'm allergic to cats anymore.
Yeah.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
Babe, this is what we signed up for, okay? Ohh! God! [Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
Why would you pick pots and pans? Because I thought I was picking things to take home.
Ohh, we have pots and pans.
No, those are cast iron.
We have the non-stick imitation kind.
These are so much better.
- [Gong rings.]
- Before I do this, I want you to remember how much interest I take in your hobbies.
I know, baby, and that's why I love you so much.
Come on.
That's a Why would you choose a bowling ball? Because you love bowling.
I always thought you wanted to get your own ball.
Oh, God.
Please say the last thing is a pillow.
But we have pillows.
What is it? Okay, baby.
It is gonna hurt real bad.
What is it? It's a microwave.
Why would you pick a microwave?! Because you know that little nook in the kitchen right in the corner, the one we have that sticks out, and this one will go perfectly in that little area.
The big one has worked fine for 16 years! Well, obviously, we'll take the cash.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ow! Bucket's full.
- Drink.
- Drink the milk.
Come on.
Drink the milk.
Drink a lot! [Groaning.]
Oh, oh, the milk! It's so hot! I thought this came from a fake cow.
Ugh.
We really shouldn't drink other species' milk.
Unless after Bozosan's chocolate cake-flavor shrimp chips.
Bozosan's chocolate-flavor shrimp chips.
Moo! - I'm done! - [Cheers and applause.]
Jared, talk about your sister! - What? - Talk about your sister.
Jared.
Sister.
What are you doing? Keep flossing, Jared-o.
Nate: Stop flossing, Jared-o.
Stop flossing and talk about your [Horn honks.]
sister! I can't.
Everyone loves it.
Time's up! Let's go! [Announcers speak Japanese.]
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'm not gonna touch another man's penis.
Hai.
Have you never touched a penis you didn't want to? - No, never.
- Mom, please.
It's just 12 penises.
[Speaks Japanese.]
With Bozosan's Bitcoin-flavored shrimp chips.
Number one for tech nerds and human traffickers.
Welcome back to the show.
Now for the most American show host ever.
Please welcome Johnny Meatballs.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Laughter.]
[Speaks Japanese.]
[Sighs.]
I'll go on first.
Ha ha, Abbott and Costello.
[Laughter.]
Mr.
Baseball! Tom Selleck! I'm not understanding this game at all.
You think I get it? I think he's gonna ask us questions.
We answer truthfully.
[Cheers and applause.]
Uh What? - 39.
- Don't cheat.
I'm 39 years old.
I don't know.
It doesn't seem right.
- Yes.
- Why would you say that? No lie.
Okay, okay.
American sweetheart Brittany Spears-u.
Or American Big Mac cheeseburger.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Americans eat more than fish and rice.
Cool.
Britney Spears.
[Gasps.]
[Speaks Japanese.]
[Audience "Aww's".]
- Me? - Yes.
Oh, uh, I don't I don't I don't what is Pick a name for the dog.
Bandit.
No.
I don't like that.
I Spot.
No, hold on.
It's Band Bandit was better.
I want Bandit.
Let's go with Bandit.
Uh-oh.
[Conversing in Japanese.]
[Roars.]
Did Did we win? How much time did we win? Hold on.
So the dog's name was actually Spot, which means she lies.
That is a lie.
And also, don't you just have to answer yes or no on polygraphs? - Isn't that how it works? - [Cheers and applause.]
Yes.
She has.
Yes, thank you for bringing that up.
- That's why we're here.
- - Great.
Fantastic.
- - Awesome.
- Yeah? Wait.
What? Uh Geez, uh Wasn't anybody's fault.
How come I can't get an easy one like name a [Horn honks.]
dog? No.
I No.
- What are you doing? Answer him.
- I don't want to.
30 seconds? Come on.
Let's go.
The price is right.
Let's go.
What's the big deal? Yes.
Okay.
Fine.
- Fine.
It's my fault.
- Yes.
Sure.
Yeah.
Out of the three of us, yeah.
It's me.
He lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Ooh! Oh! I didn't lie.
I didn't lie.
Ow! [Buzzer.]
So hold on.
Does that mean you think it was my fault? No.
And I tell you once again - he lie.
- [Buzzer.]
So obviously you think it's my fault.
Oh, you don't think it's his fault, do you? You're hooked up to a lie detector right now.
A lie detector needs to have contact with your skin, okay? Most of these cords aren't even plugged in, - and even if they were - [Alarm beeping.]
This thing thinks you're 39.
Tanaka: Jared believes his mother when she say she 39.
Obviously, she's not 39.
Robin: Okay.
Okay.
So I think there's a lot of blame to go around.
- But mostly on me.
- I Maybe.
No.
Yes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
All I know is that when I went away on a fishing trip in Alaska Tanaka: He caught crabs.
I caught hake.
Oh.
Okay? All I know is that three days later, after I got back, my daughter was gone.
Robin: So you do think it's my fault? - How is it my fault? - I don't know.
Maybe you not being there for us.
I went away to provide for us.
You abandoned us.
For money.
Tanaka: Classic American capitalist destruction.
They will rebound.
Maybe! [Laughter.]
Whoo! Hey, hey, hey! Bad mother shrimp chips! Ooh, yeah! Bad mama! Ooh, yeah! Bad mama! Mmm, yummy.
[Woman speaks Japanese.]
Now So I just get my feet bit by fish? - Sweet.
- Why didn't I get that one? I haven't chosen anything.
- Enjoy your box.
- Thanks.
Yeah? That's it? Sure.
- Fine.
I can sing.
- Yeah.
Of course.
Everybody can do that.
Classic American standard.
Of course, but What? I think I lost something in the translation.
- You're talking about a hand job?! - No.
Absolutely not.
No.
Yes, I would, but not on national television.
- No.
- Nothing to be seen.
I don't care if my son is right there.
[Cheers and applause.]
Nope.
Not gonna do it.
Absolutely not.
Nope.
No.
I know my wife, and she's not gonna go along with this.
Ha ha, well, joke's on you, pal, 'cause I've trained for this my whole life.
There is no way I Why are you using lube? [Laughter.]
Please.
Almost heaven West Virginia [Horn honks.]
Blue Ridge Mountains Shenandoah River Slow down.
Life is old there, older than the trees Baby, seriously.
Younger than the [Mumbling.]
Blowing like a breeze Country roads Country roads Don't use your fingers now Come on.
Come on! To the place Not fingers.
What are you doing?! I belong Oh, my God.
Now? [Mumbling.]
Take me home No, no.
Country ro [Horn honks.]
[Horn honks.]
Oh [Horn honks.]
me.
Yay! It's everywhere.
[Laughter.]
Ohh, why would you do that? Why would you make me do that on national television? - It's not okay.
- So much shame.
Babe, you enjoyed! Who's in the box? Who's in the box? [Laughs.]
Who's in the box?! Nate, Nate.
What are you doing? Talk! [Mumbles.]
You have to Nate! Speak! I you got Aaaaah! Say things about your daughter! [Laughter.]
So Japan is all you remember from the past year? 21 minutes out of an entire year? Jared: No.
I remember waiting at consulates and embassies waiting for phones to ring, but the game show really was the highlight.
I can't believe you guys traveled the world without me.
No, we traveled the world looking for you, and it sucked.
- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
You know, you can come back if you want to.
- Why would I want to do that? - I don't know.
I just thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Why don't you come with me? Where? I'm going to Russia next week to live with Pee Paw.
I don't want to live in Russia.
Well, I guess I won't be seeing you then.
So you're never gonna come back, ever? Maybe.
Pro Probably not.
Just funerals.
Guy, rate of play.
Rate of play.
Or let the families play through.
You've been on this hole for like an hour.
Your whole family? Assholes.
All of them.