The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Psychic powers
make the impossible possible.
What a cutie!
I'm a huge dog lover.
But I love chicks even more.
Wait, Pochimi!
Watch out!
So, how about we go get something to eat?
What are you talking about?
My name is Kusuo Saiki.
I'm a psychic.
Sixteen years ago,
an ordinary couple had a baby boy
who was anything but ordinary.
Look how cute he is!
He's as cute as his mommy!
So cute! He's as cute as his daddy!
-Such a cutie pie.
-So, I'm only in second place?
I started talking when I was
only 14 days old
without using my voice.
And then
Look who's walking! Look who's walking!
When I was a month old, I started to walk
-in the air.
-Amazing!
ONE YEAR OLD
And when I was one
Looks like we're out of rice wine.
Ku?
I successfully ran my first errand.
Ku
That's when my mom
finally started to worry.
You would think
that at this point, my parents
would take me to get checked out.
But they're pretty weird too.
I bet he stole them.
I'll take him to the supermarket tomorrow.
They're pretty lazy, too.
Our little psychic paid after all!
He takes after you.
They're a pretty happy-go-lucky couple,
and they act like silly little lovebirds.
So they accepted me as I was
-without any fuss.
-He's so artistic!
The days went by.
OZAWA
And that little boy
became a high school student.
As you saw earlier,
I still have my psychic powers.
I can bend spoons without touching them,
and I can hit it big whenever I want to.
I'm living the dream.
I bet that's what you're thinking, right?
So, what if I can bend spoons?
That just makes it hard to eat my curry.
And winning free snacks
just gives me stomachaches.
If you think I'm the happiest guy alive
and that I have it all,
you're dead wrong.
I'm the unhappiest guy alive
and I have nothing.
Telepathy, psychokinesis,
X-ray vision, foresight,
teleportation, clairvoyance,
and et cetera
I can do all those things.
But for each thing I can do,
there's something I can't do.
A dog that's fed by its owners
never learns to hunt for food on its own.
Spoiled children who always
get what they want
never learn how to be independent.
So trust me, I've missed out on so much!
I don't know what it's like
to feel a sense of accomplishment.
I've never been surprised
by a surprise party.
I can't experience any of these things.
It's true that I never get angry or sad,
but I never feel happy, either.
That's my life.
Still, I wouldn't say
I'm disappointed or anything.
A life without ups and downs
isn't all that bad.
Kusuo is late.
Oh, you're back!
What took you so long?
Why is Dad hanging out
in front of the house?
I was wondering
if you could open the door for me.
-I couldn't get in.
-Really? Again?
That's my little psychic!
Such amazing lock picking skills!
I'm not a burglar.
Kusuo,
I think you can do something amazing
with your powers.
Keep those thoughts to yourself.
Ku, is that you?
We'll talk more about this later, Kusuo!
Actually, there is one thing
that disturbs my rather calm life.
Why did you change the lock again?
That would be my parents' relationship.
Welcome home, Ku!
We're having pork cutlets for dinner!
Stop ignoring me!
And we are supposed to have steak today!
Oh, is that so? So sorry!
How about I fix you a leather shoe?
-Why would I want a shoe?
-I wonder where it all went wrong.
-Your love makes me high like Tokyo Tower!
-They used to be so lovey-dovey.
-I love you more than anyone in the world.
-Oh, you
You make me want to push you off
the Tokyo Skytree!
I hate you more than anyone
in the universe!
You little
Well, I guess you could say
they're still passionate about each other.
Time to dig in! Help yourself!
-Hey! Hey!
-How is it, Ku?
-Honey, there's seconds for you too!
-No thank you!
-I bet it's just the other shoe!
-Here you go!
That's not even from the same pair!
It's been like this for half a year.
Kusuo,
do me a favor and transform this
into a steak, would you?
The pathetic man you see here
is my father, Kuniharu Saiki.
He's lazy and irresponsible
and always comes crying to me for help.
I've learned to ignore
basically all of his requests.
I can't spoil him,
or else he'll just get worse.
So, you're taking your mom's side?
That food on your plate
was bought with the money I earned
by licking my boss' boots!
Expensive shoes taste so much better!
Wow, so you actually like
the taste of shoes?
Screw it! I'll eat it anyway!
Yuck, this stinks!
What's with this smell? Geez!
It's a shoe, dummy.
Ku, your powers aren't meant
to be wasted on something like that.
This is my mother, Kurumi Saiki.
You should use your powers
to help those in need
or to reward people who are nice!
She's one of the main reasons
I haven't used my powers for evil.
She's a gentle, loving mother.
You should also use them
to punish your dad.
I don't think you can tell from today.
KUSUO'S PORK CUTLE
How dare you eat Ku's food,
you son of a bitch!
We're taking this outside!
I'll pass
I could stop them whenever I want to,
but this is their problem to solve.
What?
Coffee jelly.
It's actually not that bad.
It takes the rich, robust scent
and flavor of coffee
and condenses them into a single
sublime package.
If you add a splash of milk, you'll have
a whole new experience on your hands.
Something this decadent should be illegal.
But I'm not complaining.
Wow, is the jelly that good?
Forget about that!
We've got bigger issues!
Look at what your mom has become!
-Stop running, you coward!
-You have to stop her, Kusuo!
She's no longer the mother you once knew!
Do it! Exorcise the demon inside of her!
There's no escape!
I'll crush you like an ant!
What?
What the
These two are such a handful.
I wish I didn't have to step in
to stop another pointless fight.
So, now you're on your dad's side?
That's it! I hate you too!
Why do I say it's pointless, you ask?
You'll see.
I hate both of you!
Of course I don't hate you.
I love you both so much!
The voices inside their hearts say it all.
No matter how much they try to hide it,
the truth is
that these are all sham fights.
Fine, I hate you too!
I hate you so much!
Just kidding!
I love you to death!
And that's why they're pointless.
The worst thing is that they interrupted
my dessert time.
And that is a sin
this psychic cannot forgive.
-I love you.
-I love you.
Did you just say you love me?
Does she actually love me back?
Wait, wasn't that you?
Oh no! Did I say that out loud?
And what does "love me back" mean?
No, it was you! You just admitted
that you said it out loud.
Wait a second
Am I hearing things
because I love her so much?
Wait, he loves me "so much"?
Wait, can she hear me?
I guess I did
-So, he did say it.
-No, I didn't!
-What?
-What?
-Kusuo!
-Ku!
Forced telepathy.
I used my powers to link their minds,
which means they can hear
each other's thoughts.
Stop it! I don't want him to know
that I still love him!
I don't want your mother to know
that I still love her!
I love you.
I love you, too.
Whatever. The end.
-I'm so sorry, honey!
-Me, too!
I swear, dealing with normal people
is such a pain.
Now I can enjoy my dessert in peace.
This is all because I ate
your coffee jelly!
No!
I shouldn't have lost my temper
and broke all the windows in the house!
Hold on a second.
Here! Have this as a token
of our renewed love!
Is it good?
You bet! Something this decadent
should be illegal! It's delicious!
PK ACADEMY
This is my high school, PK Academy.
There are 542 students all in all.
But not a single one of them
knows about my powers.
If they found out,
all hell would break loose.
Back in kindergarten,
I would always win at rock-paper-scissors.
I could read everyone's thoughts,
after all.
Some of them tried to cheat,
but I just forced a tie.
Kindergarten is a lawless jungle
where rock-paper-scissors decides all.
Kusuo, how about we play
rock-paper-scissors?
If I win, you should share it
with everyone, okay?
I showed my teachers no mercy.
-We'll play three times.
-I destroyed everyone in my path.
-Best out of ten?
-Won.
-Best out of 100. I just need to win once.
-Won.
I'll show you rock!
I won them all.
296 WINS, 0 DEFEAT, 58 DRAWS
My teacher stopped showing up
the next day.
And this was just the beginning.
It took a while for things to settle down.
So I decided not to use my powers
in public ever again.
If I have to use them,
I always make sure no one's around.
I use telepathy to make sure
no one is in the vicinity.
I can detect people in a 200-meter radius.
I don't miss a soul.
Guess who?
Well, almost.
There's one guy I can't detect.
How's it going, pal?
Riki Nendo. No one likes him,
but he likes me for some reason.
But that's not the real issue.
The problem is that I can't read
this guy's thoughts at all.
And everyone has thoughts.
-Like this guy
-I hate the dentist
-Or this guy
-Nose hair!
I can even read animals' minds.
But this guy is the only exception.
And I immediately figured out why.
He's a complete idiot.
You can't read an empty mind.
In that sense, Nendo is a scary guy.
-He collapsed!
-Is he anemic?
What happened?
Snap out of it! You're not dead, right?
I mean, he's not a bad guy
What the heck, Nendo?
I don't think he is.
Okay, I was wrong. He's horrible.
What are you doing, Nendo?
Get him to the nurse already!
Oh, right! The nurse!
Hey, Saiki! Go with him!
I'm worried about him going alone.
NURSE'S OFFICE
Hey, no one's here.
I guess it's time
for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Cut it out, Nendo.
What do you mean mouth-to-mouth?
Are you stupid?
Wait, so you're okay after all?
I was just pretending, idiot!
What's wrong with you?
Why did you have to kiss me?
Well, it was my first kiss, you know.
Let's just call it even.
Way to make it worse.
Everyone's going to think
we're in love or something!
I guarantee no one's going to think that.
Hey Saiki, you'd better not tell anyone
I was faking!
This doesn't count
as my first kiss, right?
Man, this sucks!
Keep this to yourself!
Keep what to myself, exactly?
That you were faking?
Or that your first kiss
was with Nendo?
If it's the faking, the jig is already up.
-I heard that.
-Crap! It's Matsuzaki!
So you were faking?
This is bad! It's the gym teacher!
You've got it all wrong!
It was his idea!
He told me to fake an illness,
so he could play hooky!
I'm such a bonehead for listening to him!
-Is that true, Nendo?
-What?
Blaming it on Nendo? Not a bad strategy.
Saiki, what are you doing here?
What?
Was he in on this too, Takahashi?
What? Oh, sure. Him, too.
That's it! Both of you, to my office! Now!
Dragging me into this is a very bad idea.
-Hold on a second.
-What?
He really is sick.
Didn't you hear what he said?
He's got bonehead.
You've got to be kidding me.
He actually thinks "bonehead"
is an illness?
That's it, right?
Bonehead? What are you talking about?
"Bonehead"
is caused by a virus
that invades through the follicles.
Oh, bonehead! I remember now.
-No way!
-Wow. Dumb and dumber.
Let's take your temperature.
If you're sick, you should have a fever.
Give me a break. I don't have a fever.
-It's 92,8 degrees.
-What?
Call the ambulance!
Hang in there!
Stay with us!
I used pyrokinesis,
the ability to manipulate heat.
Looks like it melted a bit.
I need to destroy the evidence.
-Hey
-Crap, he saw me!
Don't tell me you caught bonehead, too!
Hang in there!
Nendo is one scary fellow.
My name's Shun Kaido.
I'm an 11th grader at PK Academy.
Well, on the surface.
A dark force called Black Beat
dwells in my right arm.
And they want to steal it from me
and forge a new world order.
They're part of a secret society
called the Dark Reunion!
But I shall protect the world.
I, the Jet-Black Wings,
shall save the day!
That guy's brain is stuck in junior high.
Hey, did you hear the news?
A poisonous snake is on the loose!
Seriously? That's so dangerous!
Are you sure it's loose?
Sounds like another Dark Reunion's lie.
But they can't fool the Jet-Black Wings!
Someone must have released that snake!
Wait a minute! You know who did this?
Did this Jet-Black Wings dude do it?
No! I'm the Jet-Black Wings!
A secret society called
the Dark Reunion is behind it!
And this is the first step
in their Human Sorting Plan!
The Dark Reunion?
Never heard of them.
What a waste of time.
I guess it's up to us superheroes.
-Right, Saiki?
-Whatever.
Of course, he doesn't know
I'm actually a psychic.
It's all just part of his fantasy.
Saiki, tell me what you think.
I don't like this one bit.
That snake, which I've named
the Murder Dragoram Snake,
is probably no ordinary snake!
That's quite the dramatic name.
This Murder Dragoram Snake
is probably a dangerous monster
created in a top secret Dark Reunion lab.
That's all speculation.
It's up to us.
-We must save humanity from
-Hey, they caught the snake!
Thank goodness! Where was it?
In front of the gate.
Apparently it was nearly dead.
No way! Could there be others
with powers like our own out there?
Why was it almost dead?
They say some elementary school kids
were messing with it.
Who knew the Murder Dragoram Snake
was so weak?
Guess the Dark Reunion
isn't a threat after all.
Careful, now! This is a secret society
we're talking about!
Watch yourself or you will be sorted.
Go ahead, laugh while you can.
It's the calm before the storm.
They're coming for us.
I tried to warn you
He's going to the bathroom to cry.
Guess I'll go too.
Did you see his face? It was beet red!
One time, he said his arm
was possessed by some demon.
He was like, "It's moving
inside my arm again!"
Like this!
-Wait, it's actually moving!
-What?
Holy crap, it's a snake! Run!
It's blocking the door!
I saw that whole thing coming
thanks to my powers.
But I don't want to use my powers
in front of the others,
so I'll stay here until things calm down.
Looks like he needs to calm down, too.
Let's see how they're doing
Where did the snake go?
One of you guys call the teacher!
No way! It'll bite us!
You little wimps!
-Nendo! Where did you come from?
-What's wrong? Did you lose your balls?
-I would worry about your own!
-Is that so?
Look!
It's biting your balls!
-Nendo!
-Nendo!
I'm a goner.
Calm down. It was only biting his pants.
Clairvoyance.
Saiki crosses his eyes,
granting him the power to see
far-off places!
-You guys, escape!
-What?
I'll handle this!
Kaido? What the heck are you doing?
Murder Dragoram Snake.
The Jet-Black Wings himself stands
before you! Prepare yourself!
What a weird pose!
Let's get out of here!
He actually thinks he's a superhero.
Well, he's acting tough,
but you should hear what's going on
inside his head.
Why am I standing in front of this thing?
What's wrong with me?
Now I've gone and done it!
Sorry, Mom.
-Take this! Judgment Knights of
-Sorry, Kaido.
I'm afraid I have to steal your thunder.
Thunder!
-What?
-Wow!
Go the Jet-Black Wings!
Sorry for that crack about junior high.
Truth is, you may not have powers,
but you're more courageous than most.
I really am a superhero!
And the crisis came to an end.
I'm not liking this new attitude
of yours, Kaido.
Watch your tone.
Unless you wish to be hunted
by the Judgment Knights of Thunder.
Counselor's room. Now.
Now, he's even more delusional
than before.
That guy is hopeless.
Beautiful girls.
There's nothing like a pretty girl
who stands out from the flock.
My name is Kokomi Teruhashi.
Not to brag or anything, but I'm
the perfect example of a pretty girl.
I'm not trying to be arrogant.
I'm just stating a fact.
It's not like I go around
boasting about how pretty I am.
Hey, how about we go get some tea?
Now if I were a normal girl
How about you visit a pigsty
and ask one of the pigs out?
I would probably say something like that.
But I'm different.
I'm so sorry.
I really have to go study.
Good luck!
See? I'm beautiful on the outside
and the inside!
And do you know what that means?
It means I'm incomparable!
That guy is from my class.
What was his name?
Oh, right. Saiki.
Kunio Saiki.
He looks so lonely walking like that.
Maybe I should call out to him
and brighten his day.
After all, I'm perfect on the outside
and the inside!
Hi, Saiki!
So, it is you!
There you go!
Now you have a memory to cherish forever!
You randomly ran into the prettiest girl
in class.
Not to mention she came
running over to greet you!
I bet you're head over heels in love
with me!
That's fine! I may be way
out of your league, but be my guest!
Who would blame you?
No one can resist my beauty!
That's it?
-What kind of reaction was that?
-Oh, Teruhashi!
I know! He was so surprised
that he was lost for words!
That's the only logical explanation!
Poor thing.
I bet he's kicking himself right now
for missing his opportunity.
It's okay. I'll give him another chance.
And that's because I'm perfect
inside and out!
Saiki! Hey, you shouldn't
ignore people, you know!
He didn't even nod!
Did he not see me? Am I dead?
Oh, I've got it this time!
He must think I'm an illusion!
He's led such an unfortunate life
that he can't bring himself
to think I'm real!
Well, you're in for a treat!
I'm about to bestow upon you
the happiest moment of your life!
Saiki, where are you off to?
He dodged me!
What's going on?
Most people don't try to dodge illusions.
Wait, is he afraid of even touching
such an ethereal being?
I can't believe I mean
so much to this guy!
Great. Another annoying person
to deal with.
Hey, Saiki!
Back again?
I guess she's not familiar
with the concept of rejection.
Well, it's true that ordinary people
Wow! Hi, Teruhashi.
They'd probably react like that.
Even Nendo
Oh, Teruhashi.
He wouldn't be immune.
Everything she says about herself
is actually quite true.
And that's why she's so dangerous.
Teruhashi is an attention magnet.
She's the last person
-I'd like to be around.
-Hey, where are you headed?
Do you mind if I tag along?
What? Nendo?
This isn't good.
If he points her out to me,
I'll have no choice
but to acknowledge her existence.
And then I'll have to pretend
to worship her.
Oh, wow! Teruhashi!
I really don't want to do that.
I'll blend in with the crowd.
Is he gone? That was close
What? I have a feeling
that my pal was here.
What? Where did Saiki go?
What happened?
-Great. I accidentally teleported.
-Saiki!
It doesn't look like the people
around me noticed,
but Teruhashi seems to think
something's not right.
Just think of me as an illusion
and forget about the whole thing.
Oh, Nendo!
Hey, Teruhashi.
Have you seen Saiki?
What? My pal? No, I haven't seen him.
Wait, so he disappeared?
Was I the one
seeing the illusion all along?
You're so in love with me
that you see me everywhere you go, right?
No way
Am I No, that can't be true!
Oh, no! What's this feeling inside of me?
Am I actually in love with Saiki?
Oh, wow.
Teruhashi
My name is Kusuo Saiki.
This is pretty important information,
so let me refresh your memory.
I'm a psychic with vast psychic powers.
I wish they would shut up already.
Next time
I'll keep knocking out episodes
taken from the manga.