The Driver (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
(Car radio plays) (Bursts of siren) (Squeal of tyres) (Siren) Shit.
- (Mutters) - (Horn blares) (Horn blares) (Car horn) (Blasts of horn) (Soundtrack drowns out speech) (Hooter) (Car horn) All right, Vince? You all right, Reg? So, what, The Black Swan? Ah, no.
Grapes tonight, lad.
Right.
- I'm hearing the barmaid's had a boob job.
- (Laughs) (Laughs) - There you go.
- Ah, ta.
(Groans) I'm sorry.
Vince, I've forgotten to empty my bag.
Tip it down that drain for me, will you, please? You're a good man.
RADIO: Come in, 3-5.
3-5.
Hey, we're here.
We're here.
Hey, mate.
Hey, mate.
Come on, we're here.
We're here now.
Come on, buddy.
We're here.
(Man coughs and retches) Come on.
Come on, mate.
I haven't got time for this.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
(Pounds on door) Yeah? - He fell asleep in my cab.
- Did he? You know why? Cos he's a useless piece of shit! It's 10.
60! Right.
(Repeated thuds) (Radio on) Morning.
Morning.
For my birthday, can I have driving lessons? Do you know how much that costs? Yeah.
20 quid an hour.
I told you.
I'll teach you.
What, in your grotty taxi? I don't think so.
That's gratitude for you, isn't it? Well, Suzie's parents got her lessons and she passed first time.
Good for Suzie.
I'm glad you've got such rich friends to constantly compare yourself to.
- What's the exam today, then? - French.
French, eh? Bonne chance.
- You Googled that.
- (Laughs) I did go to school, you know? Yeah, French must come in really handy as a cab driver.
Don't forget we're going bowling tonight.
And Mum said I can bring a friend.
Ow! Agh! Tinned (Groans) Tinned cherries? Tinned (Sighs) (Radio plays) You missed a bit.
You scored 14.
- 14? - Mm.
I need 15.
Before I could comfortably prescribe medication for you.
So you're saying I'm one point shy of depression.
Is this about Tim? No, it's about me.
Vince Pills it's not always the answer.
No? What is? - No.
She said friend.
- He is her friend.
He looks like a tosser.
Why does she always pick wide boys, eh? Because the sensible ones are less fun.
32.
90.
How much? 32.
90.
I'm in the wrong business, aren't I? Look at 'em.
He's all over her.
Vin, they're teenagers.
Stop being so old-fashioned.
It's old-fashioned not to want some prick feeling up my daughter? Have you got a fiver? Oh, look at that.
Come on, let's get on with it.
- Thanks.
- Please cheer up, will you? - (Sniffs) - Have a nice day.
Yeah, all right.
Hook a left.
Could get used to this: My own personal driver.
You think I'm a prick? - What are you on about? - You, all night.
No respect, taking the piss out of me.
- Doing what? - I'm your girlfriend's father.
That used to count for something.
When was that, when the war was on? Get out.
- I'm nowhere near.
- Get out of my car! RADIO: Come in, 3-5, 3-5 - Piss off.
Vince, can you hear me, 3-5? What? Can you do the Bull's Head, near Piccadilly Station? No, I'm miles away.
He asked for you personally.
- Who has? - No idea.
Name's Colin.
Can you give me an ETA? Can you hear me, 3-5? 20 minutes.
Col? Vincent McKee.
- Hey, I thought you were - Yeah, I was.
Just got out.
- How long? - Six stretch.
- Six? - Yeah.
- They don't let you smoke in pubs no more.
- I know.
- Anything else changed? - Not much.
Well, City are good now.
- Mad, eh? - Look at you.
- So, what, do you wanna - Yeah, yeah.
How did you know I was still on the cabs anyway? Well, you know, it's not like you were gonna suddenly become a brain surgeon or something.
Besides, I didn't have your mobile number.
- How's the lovely Ros? - Yeah, she's good.
Still doing that job where she asks people shit all day? (Laughs) - Market research.
It's vital work, you know.
- Oh, yes.
- Tinned cherries this week.
- (Laughs) Really? She hates it, to be fair.
She gets her kick running marathons now.
- Marathons? - Yeah, she's really good at it.
Done nine already.
She loves it.
She goes all over the world.
- Berlin this year.
- Nice city, Berlin.
- You been? - Twice.
Once with my mum to Lichtenburg and the second time was a sex party in Spandau.
(Chuckles) Which was the best? Spandau shaded it but I didn't get as much sightseeing done.
(Laughs) It's late.
Is she expecting you? Not unless she's clairvoyant.
- You didn't tell her you were coming out? - You know my mum.
If it doesn't come with ice and lemon she's not interested.
What happened to Sarah? We kept in touch.
I'll go round there tomorrow.
Make my play.
There's a room at ours, you know.
I mean, we could have a drink and - Like old times.
- Old times.
I want him out of here.
- He's my friend.
- Friend? You haven't seen him in years.
We grew up together.
You haven't seen Heidi for years.
She's still your friend.
Heidi is not a criminal.
It's a bit of stealing.
He's not like a mass murderer, is he? - He's an armed robber.
- Ssh.
He's been in prison and he's served his time.
So unless he's got a Kalashnikov down his trousers, I think we're all right.
I want him out of here.
Tough.
Shit.
So what are you gonna do now you're out? Haven't a clue.
Join the rat race, like the rest of us? Yeah, suppose, yeah.
Something like that, yeah.
(Music plays) My problem is, I've always wanted excitement.
I look at ordinary people's lives, you know, getting up early, having some boss to answer to, having to talk shit with Julie from Accounts, and I just think, "Nah, you're all right.
" You had a good run, though, eh? What? I had the greatest life.
Then you get banged up and all of a sudden you've got time to think about stuff I've got no life.
I've got no kids, no house to call my own.
I should have just been like you, just been normal.
Yeah, well, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
You know, people puking in my cab, getting abuse.
People arguing because the meter starts at two quid.
And then I get home and What? No, it's just We've been married a long time, you know.
Bored.
Well, it's boring anyway.
Sometimes I feel I could just put my foot down and go charging into the nearest wall Maybe I'll take the bus next time, then, eh? (Both laugh) The worst bit is, you know, there's no sign of it changing soon.
- Oh, here you are.
- Oh, cheers.
(Turns up volume) - Hi.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Morning.
You all right? Tinned cherries, is it? Please don't talk to the samplers.
- Where is he? - Who? Don't play games with me, Vince.
I haven't got the time.
Where's the criminal? I sent him home.
Good.
Thank you.
Promise me one thing.
If he contacts you again, tell him we don't want him in our life.
Sure, yeah, if you promise to do the same to your sister.
Hi.
Right.
(Latch) All right? - Tea? - Oh You're a life saver.
How was that, all right? Yeah, you know what, surprisingly comfy.
Mind you, compared to prison, this is like the Ritz.
And she kept me company.
- You haven't, have you? - Might have stroked it.
What's all this art doing here anyway? It's Tim's.
Oh, right, yeah.
Where is he now, uni? No, he's just travelling.
Listen, you know all that stuff I was talking about last night.
Forget it.
It was the whisky talking.
Yeah, I know that.
Cos we're fine.
Get dressed, I'll take you to your mum's, all right? Could you drop us at Sarah's? Yeah, no problem.
She wrote to you, then, all the time you were inside? Oh, yeah.
Constant letters.
She's a lovely way with words, hasn't she? Some of it's filthy, mind.
Like Fifty Shades Of Col.
(Laughs) What the Craig Col What's I'm living here.
Living here, like? Like living here.
Sarah What is it, babe? It's mine.
You were inside.
Sorry.
Drive.
Sorry, mate, that was a kick in the bollocks, wasn't it? Lets get a drink sometime, shall we? Yeah, all right, yeah.
(Sighs) (Car horns) (Tuts) I wouldn't have come this way.
Don't take it from him, mate.
He's a knobhead.
No, honestly, he's a knobhead.
No, Ronnie, Ronnie, listen, he's a knobhead.
Ronnie, listen to me, the man is a knobhead.
Knobhead.
He's a knobhead, Ronnie.
Listen to me, what I'm saying.
Ronnie, hang on a second.
- Driver, why didn't we turn left back there? - What do you mean? We could have cut this lot out.
That road's blocked off, mate.
No, it's not.
It opened last Monday.
The roadworks are finished.
I'll ring you back.
This idiot's gone the wrong way.
You can walk if you want.
What, in this weather? Yeah, nice one.
(TV on) (Text alert) They're a good bunch of lads.
You'll like them.
Especially the Horse.
The Horse? Why do they call him that? Is he well hung? No, he looks like Shergar.
(Laughs) Oh! Colly, baby! How are you? - How was Butlins? - Piece of cake.
- Did all my presents get through? - They did.
Much appreciated.
This is my mate, Vince.
- Hello, Vince.
- Hi.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.
- Do you like poker? - Yeah.
I love poker, yeah.
Good.
But before you play, remember this "We lose because we told ourselves we lost.
" Tolstoy.
Come on.
- Ah, you know the shoe drill.
- Take your shoes off.
(Laughter) - Ooh.
- Ace.
'Ey up.
I'm supposed to be off this.
Me and the girlfriend are trying for a baby.
IVF, the works.
Right.
Apparently it slows my swimmers down.
Col tells me you're a driver.
Cabbie, yeah.
Cabbie? Good money? No.
It's crap.
"Too bad the people who know how to run this country are driving cabs and cutting hair.
" Is that Tolstoy? George Burns.
You have a lot of those? I study philosophy.
How would you like to earn yourself a bit extra? - Doing what? - Driving.
- Driving for who? - Me.
- Involving what? - Exactly what you do now.
Picking people up, dropping people off.
- What, just driving? - Just driving.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Except sometimes you might have to drive a bit faster.
(Laughs) No way.
No way! - Just calm down.
- 'Ey? Are you off your head? I thought you were going straight.
How am I supposed to say no to these guys? You said you were sick of being ordinary.
I am.
That doesn't mean I want to be extraordinary in prison! How about you? You just got out.
How was your six years? You ready for some more? What's my choices, Vince? You know what I mean.
Some bullshit job? I'm a criminal.
It's what I do.
And I'm good at it.
Oh, yeah.
So why did you get caught? That wasn't my fault.
If you want to go back to it, do it, but don't drag me back with you.
Come on, it's good money, mate.
Are you happy being piss-poor all your life? Come on, it's just driving.
It could be anything.
You know, dropping him up in Glasgow.
You'll pick him up when he's pissed.
Picking up packages.
Yeah? Containing what? Come on, he's a businessman.
That's how you've gotta think of it.
Ah, come on, it'll be a laugh.
Living the life, like when we were in our teens.
We were kids.
You know, just knobheads who didn't know any better.
And it's the happiest we've ever been.
No, all right? Just Read my lips: N-O.
No way.
All right? Get out.
- All right, I'll tell him you're sleeping on it.
- Oh, Col (Groans) You all right, mate? Sex injury.
Sex injury? - Who from? - I forget her name.
Honest to God, you've never seen anything like it.
She were feral.
My todger looks like a dog's been at it.
Sounds great.
It was.
I think I might have a bit of a masochist thing going on.
Can I ask you something? Fire away.
Were you bored? Was I bored? How do you mean? You know, before you left Cindy, before you started all this no-strings internet stuff.
Were you bored? Out of my mind.
But not any more, mate.
Spring lamb.
Little bouncing lamb.
(Groans) (Roll of thunder) (Knocking) - Come on.
- Come on.
- Open up.
- No.
- Please.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not insured.
I can't pick you up off the street.
- Go on.
We're only going to Northenden.
- I can't, can I? - We're freezing.
- Please.
We'd be very grateful.
No-one's looking.
All right, get in quick, now, come on.
(Giggling) - I've got no money.
- You said you had.
- No, I never.
- You did.
You'll have to shag him.
(Laughs) You will! Ugh, no, I don't think so.
Hey What are you doing? If you've got no money, piss off out of it.
You can't chuck us out here.
We'll get murdered.
I heard what you were saying.
Can you just hurry up? Only, I really need a pee.
This is my job, all right? It's my living.
If you didn't have money you shouldn't have got in.
- I'm desperate! - (Cries out) - Hey, what are you doing? - What does it look like? Get out! Get out! Hey! Come on! Hey! Get out.
Stop it, come on.
Out, you dirty bitch.
And you.
Out the cab! Out now.
- Get out of my cab! Get out.
- (Air escapes) (Laughing) Hey! - (Girls scream) - Come here! (Screams) - Hey! - (Air escapes) Come here! I want my money! - I'm calling the police.
- It's only a tenner.
Go and rip off some students! - I want my money.
- I'll give you what I've got.
Give us it.
Agh! (Groans) Hey, that's my money! Come here! - (Girls laugh) - (Groans in agony) Loser! (Girls jeer) We'll work on an as-and-when basis.
When I need you, I'll call you, on this.
You never ring me, unless it's urgent, and if you do, only on that.
Um, was it one sugar or two? - One.
- Two for me.
- Where was I? - Not to phone you unless it's urgent.
Right.
And when I call you, I need to know you'll be there.
I need to know I can rely on you.
Yeah, you can.
Good.
To be honest, most of the time the job you'll be doing is not that different to what you're doing now.
It's a driving job, plain and simple.
What about the pay? Don't worry.
You'll get sorted.
The thing I don't get is, you're Mr Ordinary one day, then the next not.
How does that work out? Right.
Vince.
- That's you.
- Thanks.
Horse.
Lovely, thanks.
- Colly.
- Ta.
And er Here you are, Darren, that's your one, mate.
- Why did I get this one? - (Chuckles) I chose them at random.
I just need a slash.
- Out there on the left.
- Right.
So am I back in? Everyone deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.
Is that a yes or a no? (Laughs) You're back in.
But if he screws up, it's your neck.
Philosophy, my arse.
Oh, nice motor, man.
She's been fully worked over, so the police aren't looking for her.
But don't park her too near your house.
Use your brains.
We change the plates regularly, so she can't be traced.
- Can you drive the cab back for me? - Oh, great.
I get the shitty ride.
- Nice, eh? - Yeah, fantastic.
It's all yours.
I need to know I can trust you.
Yeah, you can.
I hope so.
What happened to your last driver? Personal problems.
What is it this time? Let me guess.
Spray-on curtains? Self-cleaning bath mats? You'd better talk to your daughter.
Katie? Go screw yourself! Hey, what's the matter? Come on.
Katie, come on, open the door.
What's the matter? He's dumped me, Dad! Because of you, because you're so weird towards him, and now he's started flirting with Jane Tyler! No wonder Tim left! Cos he couldn't stand another minute with you! Hey! Open the door.
Take that back.
Come on, Katie.
Katie, take that back.
Come on.
Katie, take it back.
You know why he left.
As a society we are outraged by the idea of human cloning and yet that's exactly what parenting is.
People want to create new versions of themselves.
But this pressure to be what our mother and father expects us (Rings and buzzes) - Hello? - Eight rings! You're gonna have to do better than that.
Get over here as soon as you can.
Fancy a walk? Come on.
I need you out.
Come on.
You an' all.
Come on.
Come on, out you get.
That's good.
(Distant siren) (Alarm) (Alarm off) (Starts engine) You know where that is? Yeah.
Well, let's go.
Just Darren.
Woodsy, you stay here.
(Radio on low) (Darren raps at door) Don't ask.
I wasn't going to.
He's the middle man on this job we're planning but I can't tell you any more than that.
Horse thinks he's either trying to stitch us up or, more likely, start an auction.
- Auction? What, for this job? - Yeah.
He jumps into bed with whoever offers the biggest cut.
Trouble is, he's already shook with the Horse.
And that's all I can tell you.
I can't say any more than that.
How's your day? Fine.
Jesus, you're a bundle of joy, aren't you? Nah, it's just - What? - Well You got kids? Nah.
Nah, my bird wanted them but then she pissed off to Hartlepool, so Why Hartlepool? God knows.
Must have fancied living down south, innit? Hartlepool's up north.
It's by Sunderland.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Bitch.
She told me it was on the east coast.
Well, it is, but it's on the northeast, you know? Northeast? Didn't even know the northeast had a coast.
(Door opens) You'd better turn the radio off.
(Radio off) (Engine starts) OK, go.
Go.
He's finished.
(Music plays) Oh, er, spend it wisely.
And don't wait.
We'll be here all night.
(Loud music plays) - Hello? COLIN: Can you pick us up? - Where from? - My mum's.
- I'm at work.
Are you paying? - Am I balls! Come on.
10 minutes, yeah? Sure this is a good idea? I just need to talk to her without him there.
To what end? What am I supposed to do, Vince, give up, move on? I love her and he has stolen her off me.
She's pregnant with his kid.
They're living together.
I don't wanna be the voice of doom but it does look permanent, doesn't it? You don't know her.
She isn't happy with him.
She just wanted security.
She could have shacked up with anyone, couldn't she, but she chooses my twin.
It doesn't take a psychiatrist.
She wanted me.
- He's a me replacement.
- Mm.
Can I give her those? Hey, no, they're for my anniversary.
Put 'em back.
How many years? Eh? So, it's not a big one.
Sarah - Jesus, Col, have you been waiting for me? - No, I was just passing.
Just passing, where I work, with flowers - Leave me alone.
- Please, Sarah, I just wanna talk to you.
You've got from here to my tram stop.
Start talking.
OK, look, I got sent down and that was my own stupid fault.
You said it would happen and it did.
I don't blame you for moving on and for wanting a baby and a life and all the normal things normal people have, but did it have to be with our Craig? It was just circumstances.
I didn't do it to hurt you.
Sarah, we used to laugh at him, we used to joke about how boring he was.
Col, I'm with Craig.
That's all there is to say.
But you can still have me.
Please, Sarah.
I'll bring up his baby.
It'll even look like me.
I promise I'll give you everything you want.
I love you.
I love you.
You're six years too late, Col.
(Hooter) You still hate me? No, I don't hate you.
I'm sorry about Ryan, but if he doesn't wanna be with you then he's crazy.
And you don't wanna go out with anyone crazy.
I'm married to your mother, so trust me, I know.
Hey, here, go on, that might cheer you up.
- What is it? - Go on.
Driving lessons! - Dad! Thank you.
- Hey It's so I don't have to spend any time in a car with you.
- Where's your mum? - Upstairs.
Happy anniversary.
What? You've forgotten.
I'm so sorry.
No, it I've been so busy training and with work and everything It's OK.
Hey, it's OK.
No, no.
No, it's not.
- Ros, come on - It's Hey, come on.
What's the matter? Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Vince.
How could it not even register? Don't.
Don't be silly.
It's not like it's a big one.
It's our 18th.
What's that? It's not like it's the 20th or anything, is it? Come on.
The flowers are beautiful.
Can I - open the card? - Yeah.
What's happening to us, Vince? We used to be so in love.
(Phone rings) - Leave it.
- No, I can't.
It's work.
Leave it - Katie's downstairs.
- She'll never hear us.
Hello.
Come on, come on.
HORSE: I'm disappointed, Vince.
I've had to leave a message.
Call me.
I've got a job.
- You the driver? - Yeah.
You got the package? It's in the boot.
Nice colour.
Inconspicuous.
Reverse psychology.
All yours.
Wanna give me a hand? Weakling.
I've got it.
(Radio on) (Bursts of siren) - (Car horn toots) - Vince? I thought it were you.
Whose is the motor? Yeah, it's a mate of mine's.
He's gone on holiday.
Asked me to do a bit of work on it.
- Oh, right.
Nice wheels.
- Yeah.
Lucky for some, eh? What are you doing round here? Nothing, I just thought I could hear something knocking at the back there.
Oh, right.
- Where are you off? - I got an airport run.
- You working later? - Yeah, I am.
- I'd better get on.
- All right, catch you later.
- See you later.
- All right.
Good man.
Any problems? No, nothing.
Did you have a look in it? I'm just the driver, aren't I? Yeah.
Well, treat yourself.
I'll be in touch.
Happy anniversary.
I've booked us a table.
I thought we could do it properly.
You can get the night off, can't you? - Yeah, that's not a problem.
- Cheers.
I don't want us to be strangers, Vin.
I think we've been neglecting each other.
This is when couples fall apart.
Kids grown up, leading separate lives.
I know what you men are like: You turn 40 and you wanna buy a sports car and screw a barmaid.
Hey.
I don't want a sports car.
(Both laugh) If I promise to try, will you promise to try? Yeah, I promise.
Good.
Go and get a shower.
The table's booked for nine.
- Go on.
- (Doorbell) (Whistles) You're needed.
What? Gotta go somewhere, need a driver.
- The Horse hasn't called me.
- No, he told me to come and get you.
I can't.
We're going to dinner.
Fine, I'll tell the Horse you said no.
No, what is it? Make your excuses.
I'll see you on the corner.
Oh, shit.
Shit, I'm sorry.
I've got a fare.
What, where? It's at the airport.
Went out of my head.
I'm sorry.
- Who was at the door? - Eh? Some kids.
They got the wrong house.
But seeing a cab made me realise.
- If I go now, I'll be back in time.
- Vince - I'll be back in time for the dinner.
- Vince.
(Door opens and shuts) (Music plays inside car) What are we waiting for? He wants me to talk to somebody.
Who? Stop asking questions.
Are you all right? Never better.
How did it go with Sarah? Great, yeah.
Yeah.
Couldn't have gone better.
There's something special between me and Sarah, always has been.
Shit! (Woman screams) - Hey! - Stop it! - Don't hurt him! - Go now or you'll get the same.
- What - Spring the boot.
- What? - Spring the bloody boot, will you? Up with you.
Get up, get up.
Help me get him in the car.
Stop it, mate! (Man cries out) Help! Help! - Get him inside.
- Mind your head.
- Get inside! - Will you leave it? Give us your hands.
Hands up.
Give us your hands, mate.
All right, come on, let's go.
- Who is it? - You don't need to know.
- What's he done? - No! - He's in my boot.
- No! - That girl saw our faces.
- Let me out! Just drive, will you? The Horse wants him finished.
(Screaming)
- (Mutters) - (Horn blares) (Horn blares) (Car horn) (Blasts of horn) (Soundtrack drowns out speech) (Hooter) (Car horn) All right, Vince? You all right, Reg? So, what, The Black Swan? Ah, no.
Grapes tonight, lad.
Right.
- I'm hearing the barmaid's had a boob job.
- (Laughs) (Laughs) - There you go.
- Ah, ta.
(Groans) I'm sorry.
Vince, I've forgotten to empty my bag.
Tip it down that drain for me, will you, please? You're a good man.
RADIO: Come in, 3-5.
3-5.
Hey, we're here.
We're here.
Hey, mate.
Hey, mate.
Come on, we're here.
We're here now.
Come on, buddy.
We're here.
(Man coughs and retches) Come on.
Come on, mate.
I haven't got time for this.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
(Pounds on door) Yeah? - He fell asleep in my cab.
- Did he? You know why? Cos he's a useless piece of shit! It's 10.
60! Right.
(Repeated thuds) (Radio on) Morning.
Morning.
For my birthday, can I have driving lessons? Do you know how much that costs? Yeah.
20 quid an hour.
I told you.
I'll teach you.
What, in your grotty taxi? I don't think so.
That's gratitude for you, isn't it? Well, Suzie's parents got her lessons and she passed first time.
Good for Suzie.
I'm glad you've got such rich friends to constantly compare yourself to.
- What's the exam today, then? - French.
French, eh? Bonne chance.
- You Googled that.
- (Laughs) I did go to school, you know? Yeah, French must come in really handy as a cab driver.
Don't forget we're going bowling tonight.
And Mum said I can bring a friend.
Ow! Agh! Tinned (Groans) Tinned cherries? Tinned (Sighs) (Radio plays) You missed a bit.
You scored 14.
- 14? - Mm.
I need 15.
Before I could comfortably prescribe medication for you.
So you're saying I'm one point shy of depression.
Is this about Tim? No, it's about me.
Vince Pills it's not always the answer.
No? What is? - No.
She said friend.
- He is her friend.
He looks like a tosser.
Why does she always pick wide boys, eh? Because the sensible ones are less fun.
32.
90.
How much? 32.
90.
I'm in the wrong business, aren't I? Look at 'em.
He's all over her.
Vin, they're teenagers.
Stop being so old-fashioned.
It's old-fashioned not to want some prick feeling up my daughter? Have you got a fiver? Oh, look at that.
Come on, let's get on with it.
- Thanks.
- Please cheer up, will you? - (Sniffs) - Have a nice day.
Yeah, all right.
Hook a left.
Could get used to this: My own personal driver.
You think I'm a prick? - What are you on about? - You, all night.
No respect, taking the piss out of me.
- Doing what? - I'm your girlfriend's father.
That used to count for something.
When was that, when the war was on? Get out.
- I'm nowhere near.
- Get out of my car! RADIO: Come in, 3-5, 3-5 - Piss off.
Vince, can you hear me, 3-5? What? Can you do the Bull's Head, near Piccadilly Station? No, I'm miles away.
He asked for you personally.
- Who has? - No idea.
Name's Colin.
Can you give me an ETA? Can you hear me, 3-5? 20 minutes.
Col? Vincent McKee.
- Hey, I thought you were - Yeah, I was.
Just got out.
- How long? - Six stretch.
- Six? - Yeah.
- They don't let you smoke in pubs no more.
- I know.
- Anything else changed? - Not much.
Well, City are good now.
- Mad, eh? - Look at you.
- So, what, do you wanna - Yeah, yeah.
How did you know I was still on the cabs anyway? Well, you know, it's not like you were gonna suddenly become a brain surgeon or something.
Besides, I didn't have your mobile number.
- How's the lovely Ros? - Yeah, she's good.
Still doing that job where she asks people shit all day? (Laughs) - Market research.
It's vital work, you know.
- Oh, yes.
- Tinned cherries this week.
- (Laughs) Really? She hates it, to be fair.
She gets her kick running marathons now.
- Marathons? - Yeah, she's really good at it.
Done nine already.
She loves it.
She goes all over the world.
- Berlin this year.
- Nice city, Berlin.
- You been? - Twice.
Once with my mum to Lichtenburg and the second time was a sex party in Spandau.
(Chuckles) Which was the best? Spandau shaded it but I didn't get as much sightseeing done.
(Laughs) It's late.
Is she expecting you? Not unless she's clairvoyant.
- You didn't tell her you were coming out? - You know my mum.
If it doesn't come with ice and lemon she's not interested.
What happened to Sarah? We kept in touch.
I'll go round there tomorrow.
Make my play.
There's a room at ours, you know.
I mean, we could have a drink and - Like old times.
- Old times.
I want him out of here.
- He's my friend.
- Friend? You haven't seen him in years.
We grew up together.
You haven't seen Heidi for years.
She's still your friend.
Heidi is not a criminal.
It's a bit of stealing.
He's not like a mass murderer, is he? - He's an armed robber.
- Ssh.
He's been in prison and he's served his time.
So unless he's got a Kalashnikov down his trousers, I think we're all right.
I want him out of here.
Tough.
Shit.
So what are you gonna do now you're out? Haven't a clue.
Join the rat race, like the rest of us? Yeah, suppose, yeah.
Something like that, yeah.
(Music plays) My problem is, I've always wanted excitement.
I look at ordinary people's lives, you know, getting up early, having some boss to answer to, having to talk shit with Julie from Accounts, and I just think, "Nah, you're all right.
" You had a good run, though, eh? What? I had the greatest life.
Then you get banged up and all of a sudden you've got time to think about stuff I've got no life.
I've got no kids, no house to call my own.
I should have just been like you, just been normal.
Yeah, well, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
You know, people puking in my cab, getting abuse.
People arguing because the meter starts at two quid.
And then I get home and What? No, it's just We've been married a long time, you know.
Bored.
Well, it's boring anyway.
Sometimes I feel I could just put my foot down and go charging into the nearest wall Maybe I'll take the bus next time, then, eh? (Both laugh) The worst bit is, you know, there's no sign of it changing soon.
- Oh, here you are.
- Oh, cheers.
(Turns up volume) - Hi.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Morning.
You all right? Tinned cherries, is it? Please don't talk to the samplers.
- Where is he? - Who? Don't play games with me, Vince.
I haven't got the time.
Where's the criminal? I sent him home.
Good.
Thank you.
Promise me one thing.
If he contacts you again, tell him we don't want him in our life.
Sure, yeah, if you promise to do the same to your sister.
Hi.
Right.
(Latch) All right? - Tea? - Oh You're a life saver.
How was that, all right? Yeah, you know what, surprisingly comfy.
Mind you, compared to prison, this is like the Ritz.
And she kept me company.
- You haven't, have you? - Might have stroked it.
What's all this art doing here anyway? It's Tim's.
Oh, right, yeah.
Where is he now, uni? No, he's just travelling.
Listen, you know all that stuff I was talking about last night.
Forget it.
It was the whisky talking.
Yeah, I know that.
Cos we're fine.
Get dressed, I'll take you to your mum's, all right? Could you drop us at Sarah's? Yeah, no problem.
She wrote to you, then, all the time you were inside? Oh, yeah.
Constant letters.
She's a lovely way with words, hasn't she? Some of it's filthy, mind.
Like Fifty Shades Of Col.
(Laughs) What the Craig Col What's I'm living here.
Living here, like? Like living here.
Sarah What is it, babe? It's mine.
You were inside.
Sorry.
Drive.
Sorry, mate, that was a kick in the bollocks, wasn't it? Lets get a drink sometime, shall we? Yeah, all right, yeah.
(Sighs) (Car horns) (Tuts) I wouldn't have come this way.
Don't take it from him, mate.
He's a knobhead.
No, honestly, he's a knobhead.
No, Ronnie, Ronnie, listen, he's a knobhead.
Ronnie, listen to me, the man is a knobhead.
Knobhead.
He's a knobhead, Ronnie.
Listen to me, what I'm saying.
Ronnie, hang on a second.
- Driver, why didn't we turn left back there? - What do you mean? We could have cut this lot out.
That road's blocked off, mate.
No, it's not.
It opened last Monday.
The roadworks are finished.
I'll ring you back.
This idiot's gone the wrong way.
You can walk if you want.
What, in this weather? Yeah, nice one.
(TV on) (Text alert) They're a good bunch of lads.
You'll like them.
Especially the Horse.
The Horse? Why do they call him that? Is he well hung? No, he looks like Shergar.
(Laughs) Oh! Colly, baby! How are you? - How was Butlins? - Piece of cake.
- Did all my presents get through? - They did.
Much appreciated.
This is my mate, Vince.
- Hello, Vince.
- Hi.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.
- Do you like poker? - Yeah.
I love poker, yeah.
Good.
But before you play, remember this "We lose because we told ourselves we lost.
" Tolstoy.
Come on.
- Ah, you know the shoe drill.
- Take your shoes off.
(Laughter) - Ooh.
- Ace.
'Ey up.
I'm supposed to be off this.
Me and the girlfriend are trying for a baby.
IVF, the works.
Right.
Apparently it slows my swimmers down.
Col tells me you're a driver.
Cabbie, yeah.
Cabbie? Good money? No.
It's crap.
"Too bad the people who know how to run this country are driving cabs and cutting hair.
" Is that Tolstoy? George Burns.
You have a lot of those? I study philosophy.
How would you like to earn yourself a bit extra? - Doing what? - Driving.
- Driving for who? - Me.
- Involving what? - Exactly what you do now.
Picking people up, dropping people off.
- What, just driving? - Just driving.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Except sometimes you might have to drive a bit faster.
(Laughs) No way.
No way! - Just calm down.
- 'Ey? Are you off your head? I thought you were going straight.
How am I supposed to say no to these guys? You said you were sick of being ordinary.
I am.
That doesn't mean I want to be extraordinary in prison! How about you? You just got out.
How was your six years? You ready for some more? What's my choices, Vince? You know what I mean.
Some bullshit job? I'm a criminal.
It's what I do.
And I'm good at it.
Oh, yeah.
So why did you get caught? That wasn't my fault.
If you want to go back to it, do it, but don't drag me back with you.
Come on, it's good money, mate.
Are you happy being piss-poor all your life? Come on, it's just driving.
It could be anything.
You know, dropping him up in Glasgow.
You'll pick him up when he's pissed.
Picking up packages.
Yeah? Containing what? Come on, he's a businessman.
That's how you've gotta think of it.
Ah, come on, it'll be a laugh.
Living the life, like when we were in our teens.
We were kids.
You know, just knobheads who didn't know any better.
And it's the happiest we've ever been.
No, all right? Just Read my lips: N-O.
No way.
All right? Get out.
- All right, I'll tell him you're sleeping on it.
- Oh, Col (Groans) You all right, mate? Sex injury.
Sex injury? - Who from? - I forget her name.
Honest to God, you've never seen anything like it.
She were feral.
My todger looks like a dog's been at it.
Sounds great.
It was.
I think I might have a bit of a masochist thing going on.
Can I ask you something? Fire away.
Were you bored? Was I bored? How do you mean? You know, before you left Cindy, before you started all this no-strings internet stuff.
Were you bored? Out of my mind.
But not any more, mate.
Spring lamb.
Little bouncing lamb.
(Groans) (Roll of thunder) (Knocking) - Come on.
- Come on.
- Open up.
- No.
- Please.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not insured.
I can't pick you up off the street.
- Go on.
We're only going to Northenden.
- I can't, can I? - We're freezing.
- Please.
We'd be very grateful.
No-one's looking.
All right, get in quick, now, come on.
(Giggling) - I've got no money.
- You said you had.
- No, I never.
- You did.
You'll have to shag him.
(Laughs) You will! Ugh, no, I don't think so.
Hey What are you doing? If you've got no money, piss off out of it.
You can't chuck us out here.
We'll get murdered.
I heard what you were saying.
Can you just hurry up? Only, I really need a pee.
This is my job, all right? It's my living.
If you didn't have money you shouldn't have got in.
- I'm desperate! - (Cries out) - Hey, what are you doing? - What does it look like? Get out! Get out! Hey! Come on! Hey! Get out.
Stop it, come on.
Out, you dirty bitch.
And you.
Out the cab! Out now.
- Get out of my cab! Get out.
- (Air escapes) (Laughing) Hey! - (Girls scream) - Come here! (Screams) - Hey! - (Air escapes) Come here! I want my money! - I'm calling the police.
- It's only a tenner.
Go and rip off some students! - I want my money.
- I'll give you what I've got.
Give us it.
Agh! (Groans) Hey, that's my money! Come here! - (Girls laugh) - (Groans in agony) Loser! (Girls jeer) We'll work on an as-and-when basis.
When I need you, I'll call you, on this.
You never ring me, unless it's urgent, and if you do, only on that.
Um, was it one sugar or two? - One.
- Two for me.
- Where was I? - Not to phone you unless it's urgent.
Right.
And when I call you, I need to know you'll be there.
I need to know I can rely on you.
Yeah, you can.
Good.
To be honest, most of the time the job you'll be doing is not that different to what you're doing now.
It's a driving job, plain and simple.
What about the pay? Don't worry.
You'll get sorted.
The thing I don't get is, you're Mr Ordinary one day, then the next not.
How does that work out? Right.
Vince.
- That's you.
- Thanks.
Horse.
Lovely, thanks.
- Colly.
- Ta.
And er Here you are, Darren, that's your one, mate.
- Why did I get this one? - (Chuckles) I chose them at random.
I just need a slash.
- Out there on the left.
- Right.
So am I back in? Everyone deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.
Is that a yes or a no? (Laughs) You're back in.
But if he screws up, it's your neck.
Philosophy, my arse.
Oh, nice motor, man.
She's been fully worked over, so the police aren't looking for her.
But don't park her too near your house.
Use your brains.
We change the plates regularly, so she can't be traced.
- Can you drive the cab back for me? - Oh, great.
I get the shitty ride.
- Nice, eh? - Yeah, fantastic.
It's all yours.
I need to know I can trust you.
Yeah, you can.
I hope so.
What happened to your last driver? Personal problems.
What is it this time? Let me guess.
Spray-on curtains? Self-cleaning bath mats? You'd better talk to your daughter.
Katie? Go screw yourself! Hey, what's the matter? Come on.
Katie, come on, open the door.
What's the matter? He's dumped me, Dad! Because of you, because you're so weird towards him, and now he's started flirting with Jane Tyler! No wonder Tim left! Cos he couldn't stand another minute with you! Hey! Open the door.
Take that back.
Come on, Katie.
Katie, take that back.
Come on.
Katie, take it back.
You know why he left.
As a society we are outraged by the idea of human cloning and yet that's exactly what parenting is.
People want to create new versions of themselves.
But this pressure to be what our mother and father expects us (Rings and buzzes) - Hello? - Eight rings! You're gonna have to do better than that.
Get over here as soon as you can.
Fancy a walk? Come on.
I need you out.
Come on.
You an' all.
Come on.
Come on, out you get.
That's good.
(Distant siren) (Alarm) (Alarm off) (Starts engine) You know where that is? Yeah.
Well, let's go.
Just Darren.
Woodsy, you stay here.
(Radio on low) (Darren raps at door) Don't ask.
I wasn't going to.
He's the middle man on this job we're planning but I can't tell you any more than that.
Horse thinks he's either trying to stitch us up or, more likely, start an auction.
- Auction? What, for this job? - Yeah.
He jumps into bed with whoever offers the biggest cut.
Trouble is, he's already shook with the Horse.
And that's all I can tell you.
I can't say any more than that.
How's your day? Fine.
Jesus, you're a bundle of joy, aren't you? Nah, it's just - What? - Well You got kids? Nah.
Nah, my bird wanted them but then she pissed off to Hartlepool, so Why Hartlepool? God knows.
Must have fancied living down south, innit? Hartlepool's up north.
It's by Sunderland.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Bitch.
She told me it was on the east coast.
Well, it is, but it's on the northeast, you know? Northeast? Didn't even know the northeast had a coast.
(Door opens) You'd better turn the radio off.
(Radio off) (Engine starts) OK, go.
Go.
He's finished.
(Music plays) Oh, er, spend it wisely.
And don't wait.
We'll be here all night.
(Loud music plays) - Hello? COLIN: Can you pick us up? - Where from? - My mum's.
- I'm at work.
Are you paying? - Am I balls! Come on.
10 minutes, yeah? Sure this is a good idea? I just need to talk to her without him there.
To what end? What am I supposed to do, Vince, give up, move on? I love her and he has stolen her off me.
She's pregnant with his kid.
They're living together.
I don't wanna be the voice of doom but it does look permanent, doesn't it? You don't know her.
She isn't happy with him.
She just wanted security.
She could have shacked up with anyone, couldn't she, but she chooses my twin.
It doesn't take a psychiatrist.
She wanted me.
- He's a me replacement.
- Mm.
Can I give her those? Hey, no, they're for my anniversary.
Put 'em back.
How many years? Eh? So, it's not a big one.
Sarah - Jesus, Col, have you been waiting for me? - No, I was just passing.
Just passing, where I work, with flowers - Leave me alone.
- Please, Sarah, I just wanna talk to you.
You've got from here to my tram stop.
Start talking.
OK, look, I got sent down and that was my own stupid fault.
You said it would happen and it did.
I don't blame you for moving on and for wanting a baby and a life and all the normal things normal people have, but did it have to be with our Craig? It was just circumstances.
I didn't do it to hurt you.
Sarah, we used to laugh at him, we used to joke about how boring he was.
Col, I'm with Craig.
That's all there is to say.
But you can still have me.
Please, Sarah.
I'll bring up his baby.
It'll even look like me.
I promise I'll give you everything you want.
I love you.
I love you.
You're six years too late, Col.
(Hooter) You still hate me? No, I don't hate you.
I'm sorry about Ryan, but if he doesn't wanna be with you then he's crazy.
And you don't wanna go out with anyone crazy.
I'm married to your mother, so trust me, I know.
Hey, here, go on, that might cheer you up.
- What is it? - Go on.
Driving lessons! - Dad! Thank you.
- Hey It's so I don't have to spend any time in a car with you.
- Where's your mum? - Upstairs.
Happy anniversary.
What? You've forgotten.
I'm so sorry.
No, it I've been so busy training and with work and everything It's OK.
Hey, it's OK.
No, no.
No, it's not.
- Ros, come on - It's Hey, come on.
What's the matter? Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Vince.
How could it not even register? Don't.
Don't be silly.
It's not like it's a big one.
It's our 18th.
What's that? It's not like it's the 20th or anything, is it? Come on.
The flowers are beautiful.
Can I - open the card? - Yeah.
What's happening to us, Vince? We used to be so in love.
(Phone rings) - Leave it.
- No, I can't.
It's work.
Leave it - Katie's downstairs.
- She'll never hear us.
Hello.
Come on, come on.
HORSE: I'm disappointed, Vince.
I've had to leave a message.
Call me.
I've got a job.
- You the driver? - Yeah.
You got the package? It's in the boot.
Nice colour.
Inconspicuous.
Reverse psychology.
All yours.
Wanna give me a hand? Weakling.
I've got it.
(Radio on) (Bursts of siren) - (Car horn toots) - Vince? I thought it were you.
Whose is the motor? Yeah, it's a mate of mine's.
He's gone on holiday.
Asked me to do a bit of work on it.
- Oh, right.
Nice wheels.
- Yeah.
Lucky for some, eh? What are you doing round here? Nothing, I just thought I could hear something knocking at the back there.
Oh, right.
- Where are you off? - I got an airport run.
- You working later? - Yeah, I am.
- I'd better get on.
- All right, catch you later.
- See you later.
- All right.
Good man.
Any problems? No, nothing.
Did you have a look in it? I'm just the driver, aren't I? Yeah.
Well, treat yourself.
I'll be in touch.
Happy anniversary.
I've booked us a table.
I thought we could do it properly.
You can get the night off, can't you? - Yeah, that's not a problem.
- Cheers.
I don't want us to be strangers, Vin.
I think we've been neglecting each other.
This is when couples fall apart.
Kids grown up, leading separate lives.
I know what you men are like: You turn 40 and you wanna buy a sports car and screw a barmaid.
Hey.
I don't want a sports car.
(Both laugh) If I promise to try, will you promise to try? Yeah, I promise.
Good.
Go and get a shower.
The table's booked for nine.
- Go on.
- (Doorbell) (Whistles) You're needed.
What? Gotta go somewhere, need a driver.
- The Horse hasn't called me.
- No, he told me to come and get you.
I can't.
We're going to dinner.
Fine, I'll tell the Horse you said no.
No, what is it? Make your excuses.
I'll see you on the corner.
Oh, shit.
Shit, I'm sorry.
I've got a fare.
What, where? It's at the airport.
Went out of my head.
I'm sorry.
- Who was at the door? - Eh? Some kids.
They got the wrong house.
But seeing a cab made me realise.
- If I go now, I'll be back in time.
- Vince - I'll be back in time for the dinner.
- Vince.
(Door opens and shuts) (Music plays inside car) What are we waiting for? He wants me to talk to somebody.
Who? Stop asking questions.
Are you all right? Never better.
How did it go with Sarah? Great, yeah.
Yeah.
Couldn't have gone better.
There's something special between me and Sarah, always has been.
Shit! (Woman screams) - Hey! - Stop it! - Don't hurt him! - Go now or you'll get the same.
- What - Spring the boot.
- What? - Spring the bloody boot, will you? Up with you.
Get up, get up.
Help me get him in the car.
Stop it, mate! (Man cries out) Help! Help! - Get him inside.
- Mind your head.
- Get inside! - Will you leave it? Give us your hands.
Hands up.
Give us your hands, mate.
All right, come on, let's go.
- Who is it? - You don't need to know.
- What's he done? - No! - He's in my boot.
- No! - That girl saw our faces.
- Let me out! Just drive, will you? The Horse wants him finished.
(Screaming)