The Durrells (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

Season 3, Episode 3

1 They must be there by now.
- Yeah.
- Who? - Mother and Larry.
- Must be in? - England.
- Oh, yeah.
We should probably look at our instructions.
- I don't think that applies to us.
- No.
- No.
Now, I'm the oldest and basically a father already, so I'm in charge.
I am in charge of you though Gerry, as you're just a kid.
Bring my hat, would you Roger? - Oh, God, that was a long trip.
- Mislaying the coffin didn't help.
Yes, remind me not to die in Belgium.
Dank and beige.
Good old England.
Dear Auntie.
I do miss her.
For me.
From Durant.
Who? Friend of Henry Miller's.
- He's a fan of my novel.
- Ah.
Durant says I must stay at his house in London.
Do you mind me going? I'll pop back for the funeral.
Lawrence Durrell? NO! Ah! But there's a limit nevertheless Larry, this is Jonquil, Henry Miller, and Ruby.
Don't be shy.
I can understand when you hold my hand That it's love finding a way At last, people like me.
Pu-leeze Mr Hemingway Slightly vulgar, Auntie? Good for you.
Louisa, dear.
- A terribly sad time.
- Indeed.
Good morning, Prue.
Geoffrey.
- Er, you know Basil? Yes.
- Aunty's cousin twice removed.
- Removed once from Eton, once from -- - Germany.
Oh, mentioned it.
Anyway, I'll be doing the soliciting.
Where there's a will, there's a wage! Look at us.
Like a flock of crows.
The collective noun is a murder of crows, in fact.
If only someone had murdered Auntie! I mean for the crows thing to work better.
- Terribly sad time.
- Where's Lawrence? He'll be back for the funeral.
He had to whizz to London.
Dreadful chap, London.
It gives us the willies, doesn't it dear.
We're very wedded to Lytchett Matravers.
For all its gremlins.
Spiros! Miss Margo.
How are the x-rays? - Have you grilled anyone yet by mistake? - No, she's doing a fine job.
I think he can dress himself, Margo.
- Sorry.
- Your mother asked me to watch over you, after Leslie's (baby news).
I'm more responsible than Les.
She said no Zoltan until she returns.
So you have not seen him, I hope.
Of course I haven't.
The house is buggered.
Don't worry about that.
And it's probably best to avoid that word.
I clean the inside.
No, no, no.
I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Just erm, just put your feet up here, have some tea.
- Where is the tea-pot? - Oh, we used it for soup.
What does, erm, symmoria mean? Bad people.
Bad people from Athens steal things.
There's a gang on the loose in Corfu.
They will kill us all.
You're quite a pessimist, aren't you? Me too.
That's why I have Oh.
- Morning, Henry.
- Hey, bud.
Hey, bud.
Ah.
Love it.
Ladies.
"The hurly-burly of the chaise-longue, before the deep, deep peace of the double-bed.
" - I'm quoting -- - We know who you're quoting, Larry mate.
Thank God.
I'm so used to explaining quotations to my family.
Can I say again how much I adored Tropic Of Cancer.
Lyrical.
Dense.
Filthy.
Sure.
What are you doing out in Corfu? Writing.
Swimming.
Being.
- It's cheap and real.
- What is real? Corfu, it's a Greek Oh, I see.
Yes indeed, yeah, what is real? Only the body.
- Margo, my love.
- Hello, Zoltan.
If we see anyone I know, we'll have to hide.
Mother was very boring about it.
Why must we hide? I am most desirable.
Arrogance.
You know the rules.
I'll spend it on something to make me look delicious.
He was beating this poor donkey like it was like he hated it.
I know.
Man's cruelty is boundless.
Why do they do it? I mean it happens in Britain too but it's worse here.
Donkeys are seen as insensate machines in fur.
Dogs not much better.
The worst thing is, I didn't stop him.
You were wise not to try.
He'd beat you too.
Education is the answer.
There -- "Donkeys: A Tribute".
You really do have a book about everything, don't you.
How is it without your mother and Larry? - It's fair to say standards of hygiene have dropped.
- Oh.
I don't want to go back to England, ever.
Even with our poor record on donkeys? Maybe I can do something about that.
Well, that was a very pleasant burial.
- Mm.
- Very good turn-out.
It makes you wonder, doesn't it? Death, infinity, the nature of consciousness.
But the rain held off, that's the main thing.
Ashes to ashes.
Always makes me think of cricket.
Then there's dust to dust.
You get some terribly dry wickets Down Under.
Hello? Bournemouth 351.
Mrs Durrell.
Ah, yes.
Where were you? Sorry, they cancelled my train.
Cows on the line outside Waterloo.
- It seems they wouldn't be shooed away.
- Twaddle.
- Everyone else made it.
- Oh, good.
I wouldn't have been missed then.
How are you? I'm sad about Auntie, and frankly - You're having fun, aren't you? - Of course not, I'm in deep mourning.
Why's Henry naked? Oh, it's what he does.
His view is, why aren't we all naked? - What was that noise? - It doesn't really bear describing.
We will resume this conversation, when I'm not being watched.
Lawrence missed his train.
He's very upset.
- Oh! - He must be.
- Now, Geoffrey and I have a plan of action for your stay.
- Hold onto your hat! - Tomorrow, estate agent then solicitor.
- Yes.
I'll be waiting with me box file! - And a walk to the splendid tea-rooms.
- Mine's a lardy cake! - Then on Thursday -- - No, I'm sorry.
- I I beg your pardon? - I need to see Larry.
In town.
- London? - Yes.
I'll be staying there.
You're going to stay in London? I mean, are you mad? No, I think it might be fun.
Big day tomorrow, Sally, try to look your best.
Ah, you might be wondering what this is.
- MARGO! FAMILY CRISIS! - What? Why? - Can't you see how this could go wrong? - I am responsible for this family.
I object to that face! A gang out there is threatening our safety and valuables.
- We don't have any valuables.
- Yeah, well they don't know that.
They strike under cover of darkness, and I'm gonna be able to shoot them from my bed.
This is the worst idea you've ever had.
What if you kill an innocent person? Oh, my God.
You bloody vegetarians! These guns won't kill anyone, probably.
Anyway, I'll put a warning sign up outside.
Yasos! Can I talk to you about donkeys? Donkeys have feelings too.
Boroume na milisoume yia ta gaithouria? ~ Yes, yes, all interesting points.
Erm, my fellow campaigner Theo Stephanides will join us when he can and translate.
He's at work.
You English are not the boss here.
It doesn't matter where I'm from.
And donkeys actually work better if you How do you say "Danger Of Death"? - Kinthinos Thanatos.
- Kinthinos Thanatos.
- There.
I come as Mrs Durrells's policeman.
I take this very seriously.
Thank you, Spiros, but erm, not necessary.
I'm in charge.
No offence Leslie, but you made Daphne pregnant.
You're not in charge even of yourself.
- Has Margo been seeing Zoltan? - No.
- Yes.
I see them in the town kissing.
Well, kissing Kissing's nice.
Kissing a Turk is not nice! - Just wait till she gets home! - That could be several hours.
I'll go and come back.
Good afternoon.
Is this where Lawrence Durrell's staying? Laz, you didn't say your mama was a goddess.
Oh! I wouldn't go as far as goddess.
Always go far.
Don't be so British.
- Sorry.
- I think you'll find I'm very British.
- Ah.
Oh, hello.
I just wanted to track you down, er, Laz, before I find a guesthouse.
Oh no, no, no, you must stay here.
As you can see, I er, I keep a very open house.
Well, we have just buried my aunt, so it might cheer me up.
I'd hate to tread on anyone's toes.
No, no join us.
~ ~ I, I've promised to help with the baby.
My friend Lugaretzia's knitting a romper suit and I'm determined to make sure -- No, it is your sign, outside.
Oh.
Yes, sorry leave it to you professionals.
I, I'll take it down.
- No, it is a good sign.
- Thank you.
I always say guns make the world a safer place.
You'd think it's obvious.
People need to help us more.
Like you.
Show him your I, I won't do the full display.
- Do you have work? - Er, no.
We used to run a family stall but, you know, cakes.
You would like to be a policeman? I would love to be a policeman.
Hm, so you just took your family off to Corfu? Well, it was a particularly overcast day in Bournemouth.
You crazy bitch! God, you're brilliant.
- So, what do you all do? - We're a loose community of artists and nomads.
So, you'll fit right in.
- I adore your necklace.
- Oh, this? Yes.
I I found it in a souk, in Arabia.
Oh, do tell the story.
I wanted it so much but had no money, so I cut off my hair which I could sit on back then, and often did, and sold it.
And what were you doing in Arabia? Hm.
What wasn't I doing? Oh, Spiros! Don't go in the house.
It's a mess.
You are a Durrells, so I like you, but your Mother said do not meet your boyfriend.
And you did.
So I am cross.
Please don't be.
Zoltan's sweet.
Hooray, let's all get pregnant! You're only being all odd like this because he's Turkish, and you're prejudiced.
Yes, I am.
The Greeks hate the Turks, who hate us.
We have a deal.
- Why do you hate them? - Because they're all - That's not a proper argument.
- Well it's Christians versus Muslims, of course.
That's a tricky one.
It's the same God.
Years of occupation by the Ottomans.
Read about the siege of Nicomedia.
- When did that happen? - 1337.
- OK, you can see Zoltan.
- Good, we're meeting for lunch -- - But I will be there as chaperone.
- Spiros I've got a job with the Corfu police force.
So, in a month or two, after my training, I'll be able to arrest you.
No, to be honest I don't find shoes erotic.
- Toes then? - No.
Although I did use to like sucking my children's toes.
- Oh, tell me more things like that.
- Only when they were babies.
I don't do it now.
Please.
- What is this drink? - Mm.
Absinthe.
Ah, isn't that meant to be utterly ruinous? Yes, it is.
- Mother.
Still up? - Seemingly.
- May I have a word? - Yes.
Be careful of Durant.
He's used to getting his own way.
If only that were true of me.
Hm, he's plying you with absinthe.
I used to put away a lot of gin.
I know my limits.
- Why's he wearing your necklace? - It's just paste.
We swapped.
I'm wearing his socks.
Oh, for God's sake.
There's a difference between a frisky Greek and a metropolitan roue.
I'm enjoying his conversation.
It won't go any further than that.
Our boat-train leaves in two days, until then I want some lively company.
Sorry, I was just being protective.
Gosh, maybe I have had too much to drink.
I'm out of practice.
- Come to my room.
- Why? God, no! What? - I thought you had something interesting there to show me.
- I do.
No, no, I mean, like an interesting wardrobe or something.
- I do actually have an interesting wardrobe.
- Ah, yes.
Well, I will think about coming to see it.
~ You're going to make a fine policeman.
I'll need you to arrest anyone who beats their donkey.
Well, if it's the law, sonny, then that's what I'll be doing.
- Leaving darling? - Yes.
A guesthouse suits me better.
You don't want to run off.
It's a free gaff.
Leave that here and go and enjoy the city.
Have a bleeding adventure.
Pame pame paliogaithouri! Prohora prohora.
Pame paliogaithouri! Pame, pame! Stop! ~ ~ Look in his eyes -- he's nearly dead! His leg hurts.
~ More essence.
Anybody? - Mm? - May I speak with Mrs Durrell please? She's currently indisposed.
May I relay a communique? Posh flunkey.
Yes, a valuable has gone missing, and we wonder if Mrs Durrell has it.
- Why's she using that voice? - It's her telephone voice.
Mrs Durrell seems very law abiding.
Though they're often the worst.
I'm sorry that she's gawn.
Will she be gawn for lawng? I'm not really sure.
Cheerio.
Oh! You have a beautiful face, even when you are eating fish.
- No, no, no you can't talk like this.
- What? - Nothing about love, or bodies.
- This stifado is not good.
- Nothing rude about Greek things.
Look, Zoltan runs a business here, he pays tax here, you should be grateful.
- I don't pay tax here -- - You see! Nor do you! And you stole hummus from us! I'm just doing what your mother asked.
Why do you care so much about Mrs Durrell? Some people deserve to be cared for.
Some do not.
Too much bad feeling.
I'm going back to work.
Zoltan, I'll see you after my mother returns.
Hey don't leave me alone with him! - Have you been avoiding me? - No, I've been enjoying London.
- Apart from the traffic.
- It's like Piccadilly Circus out there! - Which is funny because -- - It is Piccadilly Circus out there.
I am flattered by your attention, and grateful for the bed, but I should probably leave.
No.
Don't.
I will behave.
Hello.
Um, I've brought a patient.
Well, bring him in then.
Oh, hang on, it's not an .
.
animal, is it? - Of course it is.
- I rescued him.
I think his leg may be broken.
- If it is, you know he'll have to be put down, don't you? - Yes.
Very well, let's have a look.
Lawrence.
Hello.
What brings Dorset up to London? - We couldn't get much sense out of the butler I spoke to.
- Ah.
Yes, he has just been sacked.
And we need to speak to your mother urgently.
Is she staying here? Erm, yes.
Is that a? Oh, goodness it is, how racy.
Mother! Worlds colliding! - Durant, my mother's relatives.
- Doesn't that make us your relatives? - Welcome.
Drinks? - Thank you, but we'll just be in and out.
We're not huge people people.
But you look rather good value.
- I don't think we've ever been called good value before, have we dear? - No.
Oh, goodness.
Well, hello all.
Louisa will be glad for the reinforcements.
We alarm her here with our rakish ways.
Oh, hardly.
Up yours.
Up yours.
So, Cousin Prue, why are you here? One of Auntie's necklaces is missing.
We have no choice but to suspect you.
Well, yes I borrowed it.
But it's just glass.
I didn't touch the real ones.
It is real.
And extremely valuable.
- Those huge gemstones are real? - Where is the necklace? It's in my bedroom.
I'll fetch it.
Excellent.
Well I'm off.
If I'm quick I might catch the Royal Tournament.
Yes? Ah-ha! My animal magnetism worked.
Erm, no.
I've come to look for my necklace.
When you say necklace I think you mean sensual enlightenment.
Well, no.
If I mean that I'll say it.
- You had it last night.
- Why so anxious? - Oh well, it's very valuable.
- Yes I know, it cost you your hair.
Hair that you could sit on.
Well no.
I made that up, you idiot.
- Hm.
- Gosh, where is it? I don't know.
I left it lying around.
Somebody else must have picked it up.
Why don't you Get off! - And what do you do, Jonquil? - Writer, darling.
- Oh.
- Ah, like Lawrence.
- Yes.
- But hopefully better.
And you're an artist, Ruby.
Why is that? Art IS.
Art is? Nice? - A picture just needs to be pretty, doesn't it? - Extraordinary.
I'm going mad.
I forgot, I took the necklace to the bank for safe-keeping.
I'll get it back in the morning.
Meanwhile, you must be getting that last train back to Ploddy-shire.
Yes, well we'll come back in the morning.
No, stay here overnight.
Erm, no, no, we don't have our night garments.
I'll lend you something.
Hm? Well, it would save another train fare.
Do sit down.
- What have you done?! - Saved the day.
Stay in your room until I give the all-clear.
Leslie! Stop! Oh, my God.
Sorry.
YOU SHOT ME! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
Well, you shouldn't be seeing Margo, should you.
- You've been a bit naughty.
- NO, YOU ARE THE NAUGHTY ONE! I'm used to the Greeks hating me, but now you too?! I'm going to the police to report you for attempted murder! - No.
- No, no, no! Congratulations, you've gunned down poor Zoltan and made him hate me.
You shouldn't be seeing him and I only winged him.
Ugh! I've spent weeks ironing out the worst of his defects and you destroy it all.
Oh, so you've had a tiff.
This is my whole existence! What are you going on about? The police won't take me now I look reckless, perhaps, slightly.
Especially as I've had run-ins with the law.
We told you it was a dumb idea.
I want Mother back.
What would the Parish Council say if they could see you now? Yes, he's obviously not one for a sensible pyjama.
We're all having our minds stretched here.
I don't know whether to walk towards it or run away.
I feel like one of the wise men.
I don't understand why you left the necklace with the bank if you thought it wasn't valuable.
Well it, it was included with my own valuables.
It's worth more than the rest of Auntie's estate put together.
If it's not returned, none of us will inherit anything.
- Yes, well, we'll er just erm - Yes.
Cocoa.
- Cocoa.
- Yeah.
Lovely to see a retired English insurance broker in a kaftan.
That necklace I borrowed from my aunt.
It's really valuable and I've lost it here in the house.
- Ah.
- I'm sorry, but I can only think one of your new arty friends has taken it.
Why would you say that? Well, because they're, well, they're amoral.
- And I'm sure they would say so themselves.
- These are my friends.
No matter how much absinthe you put away, or unsuitable flirting you do, you're still really provincial, aren't you? You can be louche and Bohemian but I can't, is that what you're saying? Well, where do you think your cherished liberal outlook comes from? From me.
You made Leslie too.
If we're the same, why do I embrace the creativity and differentness of these people and you accuse them of theft? So, I should scuttle back to the provinces to be with my kind, with the Prues and the Geoffreys? While you make whoopee with your mute.
I've found my world.
It's thrilling.
I want to stay here in England.
You know what I need? Air.
I haven't been out of the house for 48 hours.
I'm sorry.
I know the necklace is a worry, but these friends aren't the stealing kind.
- They don't believe in ownership.
- Well, that's just daft.
There, proof that I'm not the radical spirit you are.
- It's time I went home.
- And Corfu is now home? Yes, it is.
I'm missing the children.
And at this rate I'll be arrested for theft and never get back there.
I don't think it will come to that.
You don't really want to stay do you? For how long? I don't know.
I've fallen for Ruby.
I'll stay here as long as she wants me.
- Kalimera, Superintendent.
- Kalimera, Leslie.
I'm afraid I must resign, already.
I slightly shot an innocent man with my crime-prevention system.
Zoltan.
That's the person, not the name of the system.
And I should've said, I've been arrested twice.
Once for drunken brawling.
And once for shooting turkeys belonging to a man that we named Crippenopoulos, because of -- Nobody made a complaint against you.
And we all shoot people by mistake sometimes.
- I know.
- Don't stray again.
But who better to fight crime than someone who has done some? Thank you.
- Don't cry, that's unprofessional.
- Oh, yeah, so Sorry.
I'll see you in a week.
Oh! So, that is the donkey's metacarpal.
Can you see? And it's not broken.
It's probably arthritis or bruising from repeated beatings.
- So, it will heal? - Yes.
But, Durrells, that's three times you've had healthy limbs in to be x-rayed.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Margo, perhaps you should take the day off and repair your broken heart.
Ah.
Morning, Louisa.
You haven't lived until you've slept in a mbubb like this.
So, we'll erm, accompany you to the bank to retrieve Auntie's necklace.
Prue, Geoffrey, avert your eyes.
Just (That's actually mine.
) (Perhaps you'd do the honours?) I'll go to the bank on my own.
See you shortly.
- Is it safe to look? - Yeah.
Miss Margo.
Still friends, I hope? Yes.
But will you please help me to find Zoltan? - Oh, your mother said -- - I know, but it isn't about me this time.
I'm clearly doomed to be single.
Who is it about? You and Zoltan.
Your portrait is finished.
That is you.
That is So Good! I'm like a glass of I'd just better go say goodbye to my mother.
Your mother is pretty.
Yes.
She is.
Is she Available? No.
You don't think that'd be odd? Hm.
Zoltan, we're so sorry about what happened.
Leslie's gone a bit mad since he got Daphne pregnant.
Please still talk to me.
Of course.
You make the stars come out at night.
- What does that mean? - It's called poetry, Greek peasant.
It's called bullshit, Turkish cretin.
Now, exactly, this is why you two need to settle your differences.
Let's agree that Greeks and Turks have hated each other for far too long.
We are not going to end it today.
But this could be the beginning of the end.
Spiros, tell me one thing you like about Turkish people.
Zoltan? I like Greek No, nothing.
- Your Acropolis is good.
- Hooray, we're off! I like your belly dancing.
Thank you.
Sorry I was rude.
Aunty's death has hit us rather hard.
She's left a big hole in East Dorset.
Well, you know where we are if you ever want to kick off your shoes and swim in the Ionian Sea.
I think I will go home with you.
- Maybe I'm less of a radical than I thought.
- What happened? In our family I'm used to playing the free-thinker.
Out in the real world it's a bit harder.
How long have we got? Couple of hours.
God.
Shopping! EVERYONE! WE'RE OFF! Oh, Durant.
It's been an education.
- Is that good? - Yes, yes I, I think it is.
- We all want to feel loved.
- My bed is still warm.
Yes, that's quite enough of that.
- You must all come join us in Corfu.
- Oh, they won't want to do that.
- Sure.
- We may never leave.
You see this donkey, Tony, was dead on his feet a few days ago.
But now he could plough a field before breakfast.
- I give you 30 drachma for Tony.
- I'd better not.
Be kind to donkeys! ~ Love your ass! Oh, I saw the ferry about to dock.
I think your mother and Larry are on it.
Could you Sorry.
Thanks, Theo! Lugaretzia hasn't been here for days.
It must be her bad back.
Breakfast! Mummy and Larry.
On their way here.
- So, how have the children been, Spiros? - They were perfect.
- Really? - Yes, I kept Margo apart from Zoltan.
But you were a bit harsh.
- He's a good boy.
- Hah, Spiros.
Our new liberal! - For a Turk.
- That's more like it.
I've missed you so much.
- Mummy.
- I've missed you too.
- I've missed you.
I've even missed the animals.
- All right? - Yep.
- So, how did it go? - We fell among artists.
It was wonderful.
Oh mother, I've got a proper job! - No! Doing what? - With the Corfu police force! - Gifts from the homeland.
- Yeah! One family, entirely different people.
Let's go in.
- You didn't think we'd leave a mess, did you? - Not for a minute, darling.
So, we buried Aunt Hermione, had an adventure or two.
And we realised more than ever that we love it here.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? That's how you left it.
- It's just slovenly.
- This isn't a doss-house.
Yes, tidy your room please, Larry.
You're not with your arty friends now.
How could people live that way? - We have a prince coming to stay?! - I hope his immigration papers are in order.
- Hello.
Has anyone seen Larry? He was on his boat, which he can't sail.
Hello, Albanians.
- Have you mislaid a baby? - Thank you.
I won't charge you with neglect this time.
I am not going to a horrible English boarding school.
Now, finish that and move on to this.
It's all Greek to me.
Ooh.
- It's like Mother's good angel and her bad angel.
- Yonder, way up yonder.