The Durrells (2016) s04e04 Episode Script

Season 4, Episode 4

1 What a fine potpourri of guests.
Are you sure you don't want anything else to eat? Dancers don't eat.
Hungover, honey.
No, thanks.
Go on then, perhaps a side clump of cheese.
Breakfast like a king.
Yes, not "Breakfast like a bunch of big fat greedy hippos.
" Said with love.
Hah, she's a terrier.
Cuppa char for the workers, missus? You! SHE CHUCKLES Leslie has been teaching me cockney.
Spiros has been doing vital work on Gerry's zoo, again.
And other jobs, which are also vital.
KNOCK ON DOOR Kalimera, kyries kai kyrioi.
What did he say? Letter from the naughty son in Paris.
Postcard from the daughter in Dorsetshire, not happy in her work.
Don't know what that is.
I never get any post.
Darling if you're going to teach Spiros anything, teach him how to leave his wife.
SHE LAUGHS Yes, but are you joking? Of course I am.
Hmm, well, I'm disappointed.
On our trip to Kalami, they seemed ready to pack it all in.
Well, divorce isn't the done thing here.
More than anywhere.
Worse marriages than theirs have lasted a lifetime.
Yeah, but the difference is you two want to be together, and should be.
Well let's just be grateful for having him around the house.
I used to be fairly annoying, but you are an absolute genius at it.
Eight times seven? Seven.
You'll hurt your eyes if you stare at me that hard.
You're not a proper teacher.
Well, you're not a proper child.
We're popping out for some victuals.
You do that, Geoff.
It's Geoffrey.
We don't foreshorten.
It's Prue.
Or Prudence.
Or Ma'am.
She's teasing, Auntie.
Well, I get paid even if we do nothing.
I love Margo, but she spells like a lunatic, and thinks Africa's a country.
Well, it doesn't matter, because her mopey pupil doesn't care what Africa is, or if it's spelt at all.
Margo's tough, I'm sure she'll break her, like a strong mare wrestling a troubled young pony into submission.
Perfectly normal image.
Louisa, cup of tea? Appointment? Quick hysterectomy? I must get back to my guests.
With their medical supplies.
Ah, Countess De Torro, more ointment for her erysipelas.
Lumis and Harry need petroleum jelly, don't ask.
And our dancer Veronica .
I'm too embarrassed to say that out loud.
No we don't stock that.
You'll need to go to a shop in Sodom or Gomorrah.
I detect an air of decadence among your household.
You sound like a Victorian magistrate.
Frankly, with Europe so doom-laden, why not swim naked, or spend the day in a hammock with your "friend"? I'm just thinking how you may be regarded by my fellow Greeks.
Especially with Spiros in your house.
He's building the zoo! Very slowly.
Mind you, I did hear that his wife's a real flirt.
Hmm, that's your my-lips-are-sealed face! '.
helped by Galini, who I spend most days with.
'And not just because she looks so nice, though that is good too.
'We are planning to stay up the whole night watching badgers.
'Lots of love, Gerry.
' 'Dear Gerry.
I write this in immediate reply before I forget 'what's in your letter, as I am generally consumed with me, 'but you know that.
'You and Galini sound like a match made in zoic.
'Look it up.
' DOG BARKS No, Roger, that's for Galini.
She loves beetles.
What is in your hand? Just some matches.
I might go and get some smokes later, so My friend has a new motorbike.
Yes, yes.
Well, let's hope he doesn't fall off it and die.
Oh, little bastard's eaten all of my matches.
Anyway, I've got to, erm .
RAT SQUEAKS Oh shut up.
I'll be down later.
It's your friendly local parent.
And her perky handyman.
What's wrong? Nothing you can help with.
Has something escaped? You were so upset when your mink burrowed to freedom.
There's more to me than animals, you know.
Is there? No I mean I know there is but that's your life.
You know they're hungry downstairs.
You feed them.
Come into town with me.
I'll buy you a lolly.
Don't want a bloody lolly.
You love a lolly.
Well, I'm not loving a lolly any more.
How was my angel today? Oh, you know Maud! What did you study? Don't go on, you old fool.
Um, I'm taking Maud's siblings away on a trip, so, I'd really appreciate it if you and your aunt and uncle would look after her for a week.
No that's not a good idea.
All expenses and double your weekly rate.
Sit her in a corner with a book.
For a week? Oh, thank you so much! Maud, Miss Durrell would love to have you for the week.
She'll come tomorrow with her jim-jams.
And a new cheerful attitude.
I love having Spiros here.
He's brilliant around the house.
I know.
Florence says his Dimitra has a roving eye.
Can Dr Petridis fix it? What? Oh, no, you're thinking of a lazy eye.
It's the opposite.
Uh, the opposite eye? No, the opposite of lazy.
Hard-working? Spiros' wife has a hard-working eye? No, she's interested in other men! All right! Oh, gosh.
I wonder what Spiros thinks.
I suspect he turns a blind eye, for the sake of his children.
Do you think she actually has affairs? I doubt it, otherwise why would Spiros stay with her.
Much like Germany vis-a-vis Austria, the two big American sissies have annexed the hammock.
Maybe we should have a rota.
Yes good, good, you organise that, Basil.
Another warm one.
One's thoughts take a turn to the physical.
I suggested to Veronica that she and I might get to know each other better.
What did she say? Well, I think her exact words were, er, "No.
God, no.
Why would I do that?" # Let me call you sweetheart Because I love you Ooh! Oh, Gerry, your room smells again, please bathe your locusts, or sprinkle them with cologne, or something.
Whoa, that's a monster! HE CHUCKLES You don't send in a boy's tool to do a man's job.
It's how you use it, though, isn't it? That is so true.
THEY GIGGLE You two are scrumptious together.
Evening, Basil.
I was just mulling over what you said earlier, about you not having a lady in your life.
HE SIGHS HE GROANS Well, you must've noticed Mrs Hakaiopulos taking a shine to you, when we went to Kalami.
Do you think she did? And her marriage with Spiros is pretty much over, as you could tell.
You should call on her.
Go a'courting.
I'm .
not in the habit of seducing married women.
So, it's time you gave it a go.
She is a .
very attractive woman.
She is.
And .
you're a very attractive man.
I am.
That's sometimes forgotten.
Not by Dimitra, that's for sure.
And you'd be doing us all a service.
Her, you, and Spiros, because he's clearly had enough of the marriage.
All right.
I will give it a go.
This is rather uncharted territory for me.
You must've chatted women up before.
No, they tend to make the running.
"Come on Basil, how about it?" kind of thing.
Then we break up shortly afterwards.
It's not complicated.
Just go up to her, compliment, compliment, smiley, smile, smile, can I come in for a glass of water? Bob's your uncle.
What if Spiros comes home? He won't, he's at our house all the hours, and he said his kids are away with their granny.
She's lonely, look.
Dimitra! Basil! What can I do for you? Oh, look at you! SHE LAUGHS Come in! MUSIC: 'Yes Indeed' by Count Basie SHE MUTTERS IN GREEK Oh! Cheers! Hello? Hello? THEY SPEAK GREEK Kalimera.
THEY SPEAK GREEK Pavlos, I'm being ignored, do you know why? Hello, Mrs Durrell.
What? They won't serve me.
Oh, well.
Oh, well? Why won't they? They are closing for lunch.
No, they're not.
I must go to ring the bells.
Is it because I'm British? Hope to see you in church.
If I give you some money will you buy me a cucumber? If that's supposed to be amusing, it isn't working.
It's not supposed to be anything.
Your mother's paying for my time.
Do you hate her so much? I would if I could be bothered.
The trickier you are, the more isolated you'll become, and the sadder you'll get.
SHE SIGHS SHE GASPS What do you think you're doing? I have the same question for you.
SHE CRIES I think we need to get out the house, don't you? 'Dorset seems boring, 'but look closer and it's unhinged, I'm flipping telling you.
'Prue and Geoffrey speak in their own tongue, which I call Prueffrey, 'and my devil-pupil, Maud is from another planet, 'e.
the dark side of the Moon if the Moon is a planet.
'Must go, you lovely man.
' 'Margo, dearest.
'I thought was an ambitious literary stylist, 'but you bring a peerless set of quirks to the genre.
'You make a strong case for the home counties, 'but I have Paris in the spring, which glitters and hums.
' There's nothing else to do.
It's this or watch them painting the bus stop.
Come on.
What happens now? I dunno, I've never been to a cinema either.
FILM MUSIC STARTS What do you mean we're immoral? I don't think you are, but Greeks can be very conservative, you know that.
I, I tried to warn you.
So, what is it exactly that these killjoys are objecting to? I suppose it's a combination of the skinny-dipping, and your countess who keeps taking off her wig.
Well it's hot, for a wig.
I know, but also a succession of louche guests, including an explosive Armenian poet, a gun-toting colonel, and your charming, if homosexual, Americans.
Plus, you being close to Spiros.
You slipped that one in quickly.
Not my opinion, as I say, and Larry's outrageous novel, and the snakes in the garden.
Yes, all right, thank you.
Most people here love you.
And we love them, and we love Greek culture.
How can we show that? There's a local festival soon, the Panegyri.
Get involved, go along.
So the locals can boo and point at us.
Just tone everything down a little, for a while? Apart from a few ophidiophobics.
Who? People who are scared of snakes, Corfiots love Gerry's zoo project.
Well they can take it over, because he's lost interest.
What? No! I know! I suspect Gerry's upset because he's missing Larry and Margo.
Sibling love runs very deep.
Hmm .
or, could it be about a girl? KNOCK ON DOOR Right, well you still look like a wet Monday in Portsmouth, so, we are going to talk about this.
Is it Galini? HE CRIES Gerry She likes a bigger boy with a motorbike.
I haven't got a chance, I look so childish with all these animals! Now she's moved on, I'll never get a girlfriend with a zoo! I don't want a girlfriend, I want Galini.
Say that again, but with breaths in between.
HE CHUCKLES What's Galini said to you? She didn't need to.
She was so happy with him.
She's never looked at me that way.
Oh, Gerry Gerry, most of this is in your head.
Look, she may have fallen for another boy, but she still likes you.
I don't want to be liked.
I want to be loved, like I love her.
It was animals that brought you together, and people don't just change overnight.
Well, I have.
I need a motorbike.
Nonsense, you're barely .
We might be able to afford a new bicycle.
In a swish colour? New bell.
I don't want a stupid bell.
Well, those animals need looking after and feeding.
LOUISA SIGHS I loved that.
So did I.
I loved him, didn't you? Yes.
And her.
So life can be quite exciting.
Oh, yes.
SHE SNORES How's your girlfriend? A bit of a handful.
I'm sure.
let me love me too HE HUMS Basil! How'd it go? I shall draw a veil over what passed between us.
Oh, that bad, huh? Look, actually I've been thinking, it's a dangerous game we're playing so maybe that's .
not a bad thing.
I mean a gentleman never tells.
Suffice to say, I received a warm welcome.
Warm? Warm to hot.
I don't think you should see her again.
Oh, I see, you sent me in there to clear the way for your mother to be with Spiros.
All right, yes.
I'm now just realising it may be more complicated than that emotionally.
I'll give your request some thought.
But it would be a shame to stop now.
We must just talk in French from now on.
I'll take you through the regular verbs tomorrow.
After I've learned them.
Ah Tea.
Thank you.
Spiros, I fear we have a problem.
It doesn't feel like it.
I'm being sent to Coventry.
Where? Well, it's a city in the English Midlands, with a very beautiful medieval centre.
Oh, don't go.
No, no, it means Never mind.
And Theo says we're getting a reputation as a house of ill repute.
You knew? I love my people but sometimes they have too many opinions.
Like the English.
This will pass.
Wha what are they saying? That we spend too much time together.
Well, that's all right.
And that your guest house should be shut down.
Now, thank you for gathering.
Get out of my chair.
Easy, Countess.
Now, you are all splendid people.
Ah, that's nice.
There's a but coming.
If only, darling.
What? It's a rude homosexual joke.
Explain! Butt as in buttocks.
Now, this is exactly the kind of thing I want to talk about.
You want to talk about buttocks? THEY LAUGH No, I want to talk about us getting complaints about our morals.
How do you mean? Locals have been gawping in at us and have seen skinny dipping, and you two snuggling up together, and God knows what else.
And Argos the gobby Postman has been spreading rumours.
Who bloody cares? Well, I do, if it means being snubbed in public or having this place shut down.
We are all foreign, and we need to work hard to be accepted, and to embrace their culture, and respect their traditional way of life.
Countess, keep your wig on, or off, or under a hat.
Veronica, wear a swimsuit.
It's not as fun.
You're telling me.
Not for us.
Don't worry, we'll behave.
Thank you.
We can repair the damage and show them how culturally sensitive we really are.
And guests.
Lumis and Harry, my American friends.
Pleasure to meet any servant of the Greek Orthodox religion.
Me too.
What an inspiring church.
My wife would adore this.
Mine too.
Wish I'd had all my children baptised here.
Sorry, it will be all in Greek.
Oh Is it a long service? Hope so! Can't be too long! Two hours and a half.
Kalimera, Argos.
Letter from the Auntie in Dorset, and another bill from the landlord.
Oh, efharisto.
Oh, oh, please, would you like a cup of tea? And some delicious local Samali.
We were just wondering who could tell us more about your lovely island.
I'll invite our fabulous neighbours, who we always mean to talk to.
I'm just re-reading the Iliad.
By the Greek author, Homer.
That was very fun.
Next time I suggest going to church in Greece, throw me down a well.
Why do they all wear boring black? Break out some orange.
It was the mad singing that got me.
What will they think of us now? And who can blame them? Indeed.
You're wearing long trousers.
Yeah, my long trousers.
You can't wear long trousers.
I, I'm not ready.
Come back here, and put your shorts on! Be ye not swotting? Maud prefers to study in the open air.
Oh? Where do you do it? Park.
Nice morning? We're trying out new retirement activities.
And we'd rather be dead than go horse-riding again.
We'll be off then.
Maud's mother is a huge cheese in the village.
We'll be damaged socially if you lead Maud astray.
All right, keep your hair on.
MUFFLED GIGGLING Shall I finish the zoo? Or we could turn it into a prison for small children.
I'm sure Gerry will change his mind.
Till then, what a great excuse to let a few go.
Starting with that frigging parrot, weeks trying to get him to say "kill Hitler", nothing.
No! You stop it! He looks so pleased to see us.
You could just hug him.
Then make him into some shoes.
THEY LAUGH Kill Hitler, kill Hitler! Is Basil all right? He's rather nervy.
PARROT SQUAWKS, HE YELLS He seems fine to me.
Do you think he wants a lift? Wherever he's going.
I doubt it.
'Then I might have made a bit of a balls up over Basil and Spiros.
'By the way, I only wrote this because Mother made us all write to 'you in order to "look like a family".
' "Look like a family".
'So I'll say "goodbye" now then.
Best wishes, Leslie.
'Brackets Durrell.
' Leslie brackets Durrell.
LARRY SCOFFS Les, Les 'Darling, solid, Les.
'A more grudging letter has seldom come my way, 'but thanks anyway as I know writing comes as naturally to you, as '.
basket-weaving to a fish.
Yassou, Gerry.
I'm actually getting a motorcycle too, so .
can I have a go? I don't think you know how to ride.
What makes you say that? Gerry, I know you.
Do you though? Right HE SPEAKS GREEK Yes.
Slow down! Gerry! Theo!Hello, decadent enemies of the decent citizens of Corfu.
Don't! Look, we feel awful.
How can we make people here like us more? Leave the country.
I've told you, come to the Panegyri festival I mentioned, and see us as we really are.
Merry, welcoming, and eating weird sheep's gizzards on a skewer.
I don't know.
Come on, you love the Greeks, show us! What does it involve? Singing and dancing in traditional costumes.
No, not doing that.
Yes, you are, it will be fun! And repair your reputation.
Perhaps I should be a policewoman.
Maybe don't tell your parents yet.
Life should be like this.
That's bad though, smoking in bed.
It's too dark.
Get them to put the lights on.
I fear that impairs the picture, dear.
Where are they? Sweet Jesus, that's too bright.
We found old tickets in your jacket, you unruly girl.
What will Mrs Kemble say if she finds out that instead of learning, her daughter's been consorting in a pleasure-house? It's only a cinema! Films are so beautiful and thrilling, stay and watch.
We have never been to the flicks and we are not starting now.
It might help you to be more rounded people, you know.
Sorry, sorry.
Yes, the hands, higher.
No, swing Mrs Durrell round, Leslie.
Hang on, which way should I be facing? Not there.
The chin up.
Watch Gerry, he's the best.
No, he isn't! I've certificates in country dancing.
Where is Basil? He never goes out.
I don't know.
Right, let's give up.
No! We have till tomorrow.
If it's the last thing I do, I'll make you look like you belong here! TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC PLAYS Maybe they don't like us wearing clothes of their culture.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
You're ready, come on.
Nice faces on.
This is the Sirto, that we learnt yesterday.
Come on, come on, this is it.
With your hands.
Yes, yes, yes.
Boys in the centre.
No, no, no, not like that.
Not that way, Mrs Durrell.
Whoa! Leslie, no, not like that, you're jumping too late.
No! Sorry, your foot, sorry.
You look gorgeous in that blouse, by the way.
That was quite disappointing, but we remain confident.
Good twirling, Mrs Durrell.
Oh, well, thank you.
But try not to hit people with your arms.
Leslie No I'm done.
I'm gonna get us some booze and snacks, that'll endear us to everyone.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hello you two! Hello.
Oh, thank you.
No, that's for the people over by the dancing.
We're all there, Spiros, and so on.
D'you think you should go home, perhaps? It is one of the choices, yes.
Which way are you walking? Like this.
THEY LAUGH That way.
Oh gosh, that's erm, that's actually on my route, so er, I'll walk with you.
I hope that showed them we're not just a bunch of crass foreigners.
Oh, please be jealous, please be jealous.
I feel so part of life here.
I'm so glad we could show it.
You certainly have.
They love you again.
Hmm? We're not decadent, are we? Your son is kissing a girl in the public square.
So he is.
Stop that, Gerry.
OWL SCREECHES Ah, morning Spiros.
Ooh, that's a big bag.
Have you brought a special tool? No, it is some clothes and things.
Oh! Can I stay at your house for a while? Yes, of course.
Any reason? Well that make sense, er It does.
Well, there's lots of There is a lot of handyman work .
with finishing the zoo.
And there's no problems at home? You know my wife and I are arguing a lot .
and last night it was worse, she doesn't want me there .
so Yes? It is mainly about the hand The handyman work, yes, of course.
This is a good, practical solution.
An attic room is free, so please make yourself at home.
Thank you.
Spiros is moving in for a while.
Do you know anything about what's happening at his home? No, no I don't.
'The Mayor asks , holiday-makers to tea, 'and look how many turned up.
'Maybe he didn't realise how many people there were in Ramsgate.
'Waiter, fetch me a cup of tea.
' 'This is a record of the power politics of .
'This is modern history in the making.
'Cold-blooded, ruthless intolerance.
'They are pictures of Italy's invasion of Albania.
' Albania's only two miles away from Corfu.
I'm not very good at that part of the world.
Let's get a book.
You don't understand.
, the occupation of Albania, and the apparent delight' I need to go back there to be with my family.
brought to you by courtesy of the conqueror.
' So, how does your wife feel about you staying here? I'm not sure that matters to me any more.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Why's that? She seems to have a boyfriend.
Doesn't that make it easier for you to be with my mother? No, not that way.
If people know, it will bring shame on me and my children.
And if I find out who it is, I'll be in jail for murdering him.
You've continued the affair with Spiros' wife haven't you? If I have, and I have actually .
it was your idea, so don't come crying to me over spilt milk, as it were.
It was a mistake.
I asked you to end it! What is a red-blooded man to do? For once I find a lovely woman, in a bad marriage, who laughs with me, rather than at me.
Well, just so you know .
Spiros will kill you if he finds out.
And then probably me, for setting it up.
'Scout leader Demitrios is looking for a successor.
' I'd be delighted.
The Royal ship will sail past their house.
That's where we'll practice our display for the king.
My family are in Corfu, I wanna be with them.
Margo's back, everyone! You know your wife was having an affair.
You interfered in my life and my marriage, I can never forgive you.