The Elegant Gentleman's Guide To Knife Fighting (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 Take some notes here, son I'm falling about like the Devil's spawn I'm a string to pull in the middle of the day In a strange hotel Let me tell you That man wears a trench coat and he'll take you downtown Last stand in the fallen street He's an animal and I'm a bag of blood I turn to go and I'm down on my knees But I will stand my ground while the walls come down He's the seven I'm an 11 And I'm taking him out to land on my landing strip I'll swing a big fist Slap 'em right in the face Look alive That man is an animal.
I've tried it.
It's not even working now.
It won't even let me access the server.
Could you send someone up, please? No, not Is there anyone else? Alright, send him up, then, I guess.
Yep, Jacob.
Um, I think it's a new iOS because it's not recognising me as a user now.
That's just the monitor.
I think it's fine.
Tim, how are you going with the notes on that report? Uh, not too good.
My computer's not working.
Well, Jacob should have that up again soon.
Yes, ma'am.
Yeah, I'm sure he will.
Maybe he'll knock me up a barn.
Do you think? Look.
He's currently planing the monitor, OK? He has absolutely no idea about IT.
He's heard nothing.
Tim! No, I'm sorry.
Jacob, look, you're a really nice bloke, but I'm sick of everyone ignoring the elephant in the room.
OK? You are Amish.
Yeah, you fundamentally reject technology.
Well, sometimes old ways are the best ways.
Do you know what the in 'IT' stands for? Technology! Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.
No, you wouldn't know anything, but you should.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
But it is broke, Jacob.
It's broke, OK.
Please fix it.
What is that? A sextant.
You're gonna fix it with a sextant now, are you? Aye.
I think you need a new computer.
There's a surprise.
OK, I'll order that now, shall I? No.
No, I don't need a new computer.
This is Jacob's solution to everything.
I've had 12 new computers this month, OK? The last one, he just didn't plug it in.
Tim, it's fine.
No, it's not fine, alright? This company is haemorrhaging money, alright? We laid off 60 people last week.
There's no milk in the tearoom because we keep ordering new computers every time Jacob can't fix a simple IT problem.
Oh, yep.
That's definitely broken.
How did you get this job?! He interviewed very well.
We had a lot of applicants Who ordered the new computers? Oh, great.
Yeah, just over there.
I'm sorry, am I the only one here who? This is beyond You are a joke! Tim, that is enough, OK? Just get your things and leave, please.
Make a copy of my report and we'll talk tomorrow.
Jacob, I am so sorry.
I had no idea Tim was prejudiced.
There's no harm, ma'am.
He finally realised it was a ladies' wetsuit, and he'd been wearing it the whole time.
You'd look so thin! Oh, they thought he was great.
Oh, I bet.
They loved Jeff.
Didn't hear me coming, did you? Miranda, do you know why you didn't hear me coming? N-no.
Oh, that's too bad.
Janey! Janey, Janey, Janey, Janey.
Can you answer the question why none of you heard me coming? Because you drive a Prius? What's that? I didn't hear you very well.
You drive a Prius.
You're goddamn right I drive a Prius! Whisper-quiet.
I keep it under 24kph.
The engine doesn't even KICK IN! Jeff, please, take a seat.
What did you say to me? I just said take a seat.
Have you eaten? Let me ask you this, Paul.
What are you driving around these days? Jeff, now, you know what I drive.
2007 Subaru Outlander.
Oh, so you drive it around, raping trees Look, I didn't mean anything.
I get 3.
7 to 100 clicks! Maybe when you start saving the planet, maybe then you can tell me what to do.
Mother of God! Prius.
Are you OK? Kowalski! They got me, Cassidy.
They got me.
I'm not gonna make it.
You gotta promise me something.
Promise me you'll look after my kids.
Oh, mate.
You shouldn't have brought 'em.
Fat boy.
Oh, wow.
I know.
Great high ceilings.
Beautiful entrance.
I love those ceilings.
This is fabulous.
Such a modern feel to it.
Yeah, it's lovely.
Do you mind if we get a feel for it? No, not at all.
Babe? Yeah.
Where are the blueberries? Uh, in the freezer.
No, not the frozen ones.
The fresh ones.
I ate them.
What? I ate them.
Well, I was gonna make muffins, but I guess I'm not now.
Oh, sorry.
I knew that because I'm psychic.
No, I didn't know that because I'm not psychic.
Go and get some more.
They're $12 a punnet! Why are you spending $12 a punnet on blueberries? Because they're organic and I'm detoxing! Oh, give me a break! You're so selfish! Yeah, well, at least I don't go through people's private text messages.
Oh-ha-ha! So now I'm the bad person, am I? Charlotte, it was one text message! I don't even know why you still need to have contact with her! She's my friend! God! Grrrr! Damn it! I love it.
The council rates are 540 a quarter, yeah? Yes.
I wanted to visit the Pyramids, but then I found out they were made under atrocious sweatshop conditions.
I turn my back and he puts the ball in the hole, I'm sure.
It was a great day.
It was a great day.
Thank you.
So, um, Mum and Dad, we actually have something that we want to tell you.
Oh, here we go.
You've come here with an ulterior motive.
Do you wanna do it together? Yeah.
Three, two, one.
-We're pregnant.
What did you say? We're pregnant.
We're having a baby.
You're gonna be grandparents.
Are you telling me that No, Don.
Ruth, fine.
You know, he's a big boy.
He said it.
He can answer for it.
Yeah? Timothy? It's fine.
I just have to get it straight in my own mind 'cause otherwise I get a bit confused sometimes with the details.
So, Timothy, I just want to If you could just You come into my house, yeah, in front of my wife in my beautiful house and you announce to the world that you put your penis into my daughter.
Well, um Mm-hmm.
And then, well, you brag about it.
'Oh, I put my penis into your daughter.
Oh! There she was, and I did it to her.
Not round the edges, just right in there.
' You think I should be happy about this or something, is that right, Timothy? We're having a baby.
Oh, a baby.
Oh, that's great, isn't it? A baby.
Well, that's terrific.
Now there's gonna be a little baby running around, 'Waah! Waah! Grandy! Grandy! Pick me up.
' Oh, that's terrific - a constant reminder of you putting your penis right into my daughter.
Yep? Ha-ha.
Every family event, every Christmas, every birthday, I see this little innocent child running around, smiling at me as though its head is your penis just looking up at me, a constant visual reminder of your penis all sweaty and vulgar and veins throbbing, just waning in the breeze without any sense of direction.
It could go anywhere, but where does it go? Whacko.
Right into my daughter's vulva.
And you think My only daughter, that is.
My innocent, only, untouched - till this moment - daughter and your penis right in there up to the hilt, you think this is an image that I want to be haunted by.
No! Come No! Look, I'm sorry if the details of this are disgusting to you Yes.
but you're gonna have to move past that.
I love your daughter.
That's why I married her.
We're very much looking forward to bringing this child into the world, as I'm sure you were, Don, when Ruth was pregnant with Lucy.
Are you talking about my penis entering my wife? Hey, baby Jesus, why do you keep holding your hands like that? Just practising.
Captain Cook and Mr Banks.
Yes, sir.
Welcome home, gentlemen.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Word has spread of your marvellous acquisitions in the Southern Oceans.
Oh, yes, the Antipodes.
Well, keep in suspense no longer.
Come, show me the new corners of the empire.
Have a look.
There it is.
That's a good island, sir.
Good ferns.
Great ferns.
I see.
And what name did you bestow on these islands? They're the Cook Islands, sir.
Ah, yes! Captain, your sense of humour is matched only by your navigation skills.
Come now, what are they called? Uh, yes, sir.
The Cook Islands.
Named after? Me.
I named them.
It was my first time there, and I've never really won anything before Surely you jest.
No, sir.
Am I to understand you've named this entire region after yourself? No, sir.
No, no, no.
This up here, 1770.
Thought it would be contemporary.
Contemporary name.
Contemporary? Really? Am I to inform the king that the only names you could come up with were your own, and when you exhausted those, the year.
Not just the year.
Thursday Island.
Uh, Easter Island.
Christmas there.
Christmas Island.
And what time of year were you in the region of Christmas Island? Please.
Oh, late December.
New Year.
About New Year.
Just a bit before that.
Christmas, even? A bit before.
You gave me a fern.
Yeah, as a New Year present.
And what did you name these islands here? And if you answer with your name or a time of year, it will be your necks.
Sandwich Islands.
The what? Sandwich, sir.
Like the So instead of naming them after your king or country, you decided to name it after your lunch.
You were sort of rushing at that point.
You know, they were pretty rushed.
Oh Sandy Beach and Breakfast Point Toilet stop They were all very But there's a lot of islands, you know.
Oh, he named a tree after himself! Banksia! Banksia tree.
I'm a botanist, you know.
And it's pronounced 'Bank-SIA.
' Bank-SIA.
It's a really silent 'bank'.
I pity the both of you when the king gets word of this.
We can go back.
We can go back.
We can go back.
We'll rename it all.
12 months, you stall the king.
18 months tops.
We'll have no We'll get No No.
Why did you tell him about the toilet stop? Do you like the chicken, Jeff? It's fine, Miranda.
Well, it's organic.
Is that supposed to impress me? No, we just found an organic chicken farm You think I've never had organic chicken before? No, no.
She didn't mean it like that.
I drive a goddamn Prius, Miranda.
I'm doing a little more for this planet than just trying new chicken.
Jeff What?! Is there Would you like some dessert or anything? Actually, you know what? I do want a little something something.
I want you and Jane to kiss.
Sorry, what? Are you deaf?! I said kiss! I drive a Prius, and I want you two to make out! You should probably do it.
He drives a Prius.
Yeah, that's nice.
That's nice.
That's very nice.
That's it.
Yeah, yeah, cup the breasts.
Cup it.
That's the stuff.
Poor sexual performance can be a warning sign of future medical problems.
Yeah? Like what? Like that, soft cock.
Rose adore, compliments of the chef.
Oh, thank you.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh! Ha.
You don't drink rose adore.
You Oh.
Um Oh, my.
That's delicious.
It's amazing.
It's beautiful.
Have you decided on your mains? Um, well, would you be up for the en bella chante? En bella chante Yeah.
Up for it.
En bella chante pour deux.
I'll bring it straight out.
Merci beaucoup.
Thank you.
Yeah, sorry about I have only It's fine.
It's fine.
I haven't had the rose adore since I lived in Provence Wow.
and they sip it first, just to taste.
Really? Yeah.
I've never heard of that.
It's Proven Provencal.
It's only there, so Oh, wow.
En bella chante.
Oh, it looks amazing.
En bella chante.
Oh, please, after you.
No, no.
You No, of course.
I insist.
Two, four, six, eight.
No, sir, use the hands.
Use the hands.
Of course.
Oh, got it.
I got it.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm! Oh, my God! Mmm! Oh, my God.
That is off the charts.
That's delicious.
You're meant to use these.
You going for a swim? Oh, maybe.
Perhaps later.
Can I talk to you about something? Yeah, what is it? It's What? The swimming cap? Yeah.
Yeah, I said I might go for a dip later.
Yeah, but you always wear it, and you never go for a swim.
You can't even swim.
I wade.
You know what I'm talking about, Stuart.
If you don't like it, I'll take it off.
Happy? Darling, please Oh, what? You didn't like the swimming cap, I took it off.
It's not just the swimming cap.
It's all the hats.
Oh, sorry, I like hats.
What, would you rather I was into heroin and hookers? Stuart, we've been married for nine years, and together for almost 13 and not once during that time have I ever seen your head.
I mean, you sleep in a sleeping cap.
You shower in a non-transparent shower cap.
The clear ones are for women.
And I know you only bought the motorbike so you could wear the helmet everywhere.
Oh, that is ridiculous.
Look at our holiday photos.
Everyone one of them - hatted.
Yeah, they're my holiday hats.
Darling, I think you may be bald.
Bald! I'm not bald.
Oh, my God, darling.
That is funny.
Alright, then.
Well, let's see your head.
No, hey, darling.
No! Hey, sweetheart, stop it.
Stuart, I want to see your head.
Hey, hey! OK! OK! OK! I know what this is about.
You think I'm bald, and therefore I have a cancer and I'm gonna die.
Darling, I don't have cancer.
You're such a worry pot.
Stuart, I know you don't have cancer.
I just think you're bald.
'Bald' as in 'Bald' as in you don't have any hair on you head.
Darling, I love you.
I don't want you to hide anything from me.
You know, I just want you to feel like you can be yourself with me.
I don't care if you're bald.
I just want you to be honest with me.
I want a divorce.
Idiot! No, I'm serious.
I'm not interested.
Your profile said you were 18.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parley, sage, rosemary and thyme Remember me Alright, I'm bored now.
I'm gonna go.
Thanks for a lovely evening, everyone.
Extra spicy sausage.
I just love extra spicy sausage.
I can't get enough of it.
Well, maybe you've got some room for a little more.
I do, and I haven't tipped you yet.
I'll take care of the tip.
Just take a pause.
What's going on? I just have to do a quick safety check on this.
Again, mate? We're way behind today.
Yeah, I do understand, but rules are rules.
Gotta tick some boxes here.
Sorry, everyone.
If you could just put your tackle back in your Y-fronts there.
Just That's the way.
Just take me through a few of your actions there, Victor.
What are you doing here? Well, I was just gonna pump her this way and then go from behind.
On the bench? Yeah.
Just step down there.
Just be careful.
Be alert.
Watch around.
That's the way.
If you could just come down here.
Thanks, Cindy.
That's the way.
Just hold.
Are we alright? Just gotta see Safety check.
It's pretty stable.
Yep, that seems to be holding.
Yeah, it's fine.
It's got a little bit of give in it, though.
I think it's fine.
We could get a couple of G-clamps No, no, no.
We're all good.
Just take me through your second action there.
So, I pull out and we go the blow job and then the facial.
BJ, facial.
If you'd just like to put these on for me, Cindy.
Protect the eyes there.
No, no.
She's not gonna wear that.
It's semen, mate.
It's not acid.
It tends to irritate my eyes, that's all.
OK, roll up, everyone.
Roll up.
You're the boss.
OK, yes, I am.
Alright, let's go.
Positions everyone.
Make safe.
Everyone lock it down.
Roll up and Be alert, not inert.
Just duck down, thanks.
Alright, I'll get down.
And action.
Extra spicy sausage.
I just love extra spicy sausage.
I can't get enough.
Well, maybe you want some more.
Oh, I don't have any money to tip you with.
Don't worry, I'll take care of the tip.
Maybe I could be your pizza.
Whoa, look, just hold it there.
I'm really worried about this lower back support.
Sorry, cut, everyone.
There's a bedroom here.
Maybe we should just move it all to there.
Do you know the name of this film that we're shooting, Gordon? Kitchen Sluts 5.
KITCHEN Sluts 5.
Sluts 5.
So It wouldn't really work in the bedroom.
Not gonna work there.
Good on you, Gordon.
Well pointed out.
OK, let's just If you could just get off the set.
Just back away, just out there.
That'd be great.
Thanks, Gordon.
Skip the intro, just cut to the chase.
Roll up, everyone.
And action.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, God! Ohhhh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah! Ouch! Ouch! No.
No, just stop there.
Please, mate.
Cut, cut.
There is absolutely nothing going in the bottom seven, there.
The thoracis is taking a pounding.
Look, if I could just demonstrate.
We just don't have time, honestly.
Make safe.
Be alert, people.
Now, Cindy, what I'm gonna do is I'm just gonna take your weight.
As I insert myself in here, I can get some nice weight distribution going on here, OK.
Cindy, you can just put your hands on my hands here.
You see? And we can both share the load.
See that? Nice and safe.
I've got my weight over my knees and over my ankles there, so there's no strain on the lower lumbar.
Like that, OK? Good.
So, Bob Just lay on your stomach there, Cindy.
Just gotta watch that heart rate.
It does get up a bit on the more rigorous actions.
See, I've got her here now Mmm.
and you see, I can go hands-free, like this.
Cindy, you can put your hands back here and you can actually brace your weight on my weight, so we can share that, see? No-one's gonna get hurt this way.
Like that? That's the way.
Good girl.
I can get my feet up like this.
If I want to increase the angle like this, I can actually come from this angle, like that.
And that actually allows me to get a deeper penetration.
Once again, I can go quite quick if I need it.
It's nice and easy, you see.
I'm watching around, making sure nothing's gonna fall, and I'm watching the edges.
You see I've got my weight nice and even.
over my feet like that.
It's nothing but safe.
It's safe for every one.
I'm being s Oh, Victor, over to you, then.
I think you should get off the set.
My wife just recently left me.
Get out.
Yep, OK.
OK, let's roll up, guys.
Sorry about that.
("Animal" by Kev Hannibal)