The Eric Andre Show (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

Maria Menounos/Eric Balfour

1 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the "New Eric Andre show!" (SCREAMING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (PANTING) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) What's up, man? What's up, man? How you doing? How's it going? Uh, it's going pretty good.
Uh, what should I do? You got to welcome.
It's the second season.
– Yeah, yeah.
You're right.
– You got to do the monologue.
(APPLAUSE) Yeah, yeah.
Welcome people.
And welcome! Season 2, yall! Season 2.
New look.
Shh-Shh New look, new life, new outlook.
You got a new suit.
New suit, new support.
Got a new t-tube support.
Did I say, "tube support"? Let's get into the monologue.
All right.
(SIGHS) (GRUNTS) – Okay.
– D-d-d-d-d-d.
Don't even tell me.
– All right.
: Don't even tell me.
(SNORTS) Ah, man.
So, uh (COUGHS) (SNIFFLES) Uh Lindsay Lohan, right? Gosh.
Y-you know, what? I'm not even gonna go there.
(LAUGHTER) So, okay.
Even though this is a new season, your joke writing, hasn't developed at all.
S-s-s-so, People Magazine just named Gwyneth Paltrow the world's most beautiful woman.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, right.
More like the county's least ugliest man.
(LAUGHTER) Where's the growth, man? Gwyneth Paltrow is a leech on society, and she needs to be stopped! (APPLAUSE) Immediately! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) And if we don't put a stop to Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow's gonna put a stop to us! Hannibal's on board.
It's like enough is enough, people.
I'm not on board with this at all.
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES) This is so tragic, that even if you added to, infinity time it still won't be able to become comedy.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (ALARM RINGING) (GROANS) You all right, dawg? You all right? (GROANING) Oh.
You see this on the news? That's not from the news.
Well, it's from something.
Okay, uh, ourourour, our first guest, everybody.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS) My luck, huh? (SMOOCHES) I love you.
(LAUGHS) Pbbbbbbbhhhhhhhhht! (LAUGHS) (MOANING) You think we should be drone-bombing Pakistan? Seems like a bit much, huh? Are you eating a sandwich right now? – You want some sandwich? No.
It came off the floor.
No, it didn't.
It came off a napkin that was on the floor.
Oh, my god.
He's leaving tuna-fish sandwiches on the floor behind the chair.
It's on a napkin.
You're from dunkin' donuts? It says here in my notes you worked there.
– I worked at dunkin' donuts, yes.
– And you were a janitor in Boston, as well.
What? You familiar with bukkake? Yes.
(APPLAUSE) All right, we want to talk a We want to talk about your new movie.
(SCREAMS) I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
What's wrong? (SNORTS, LAUGHS) What is up with you? (APPLAUSE) All right, it's time to play, "These Are People"! (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS) Yeah.
Yeah, Yah! "These Are People.
" "Those are people.
" All-right.
A, B, C.
Those are people.
Talk about people, 1, 2, 3.
Okay, Maria, select your person.
Oh, my god.
What is happening? Just pick a person.
Any person.
I just pick person? Anything I'm gonna go for the dude in the middle.
(GUNSHOT) I knew you were gonna shoot somebody! I knew it! Oh, my god! How did I know that?! (SCREAMS, LAUGHS) Oh, my god.
I have blood on me.
(APPLAUSE) What's your name again? (CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) (MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS) Free trips, to uh the Statue of Liberty.
Hey, free trips for any lesbos that do a little kissy-kissy in front of me.
(CHOMPS GUM) (SLURPS) : All my sores is healed up.
: I'm good.
I'm good! You think you're better than me? (PUKING) (PUKING) (PUKING) (PUKING) Free trips to the Statue of Liberty.
Oh, god I'm making a mess.
Ohhhhh Sweet relief.
(SOBS) (CONTINUES PUKING) Help me! Somebody, help me! These kids jumped me, man.
(SOBS) (SCREAMS) You know my next guest from the show "Haven.
" Please give it up for Eric Balfour! (SIGHS) do do-do do-do-do do do-do do-do-do Nice to meet you.
(APPLAUSE) How you doing? You feeling all right? (LAUGHS) What are some, uh what do you think? (SIGHS) (LAUGHS) About, who was the hottest girl you ever hooked up with? Hooked up with a wardrobe designer once You hooked up with a wardrobe girl? When she would bring my, uh when she would bring my wardrobe into the trailer in the morning.
I think that's the way to go.
You don't want to hook up with, like, Oriental background actresses or anything.
Why not? Do you? 'Cause aren't they cu-cuckoo crazy? – I mean, background actresses are.
– Did you say, "Oriental," though? Yeah.
You know, for (SIGHS) Is that weird? – Yeah you're gonna – I think it's weird that Let me just say it again.
5, 4 Have you hooked up with any Background actresses? No.
I want to talk, "Jesus Hates Zombies.
" Is this your directorial debut? Yeah, this is my, yeah, feature directorial debut.
Congratulations, man.
Thank you.
What's it about, I wanna hear the premise of the movie? Ah, so, "Jesus Hates Zombies" is based on a comic book.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) Just take your time.
Take your time.
I don't need to take my time.
I'm just saying.
Take your time.
It's okay.
wat It.
wat (LAUGHS) : Damn it.
(BLEEP) hot, too.
makeup artist what's the Tell them! What's the game called? UhUh With the stick.
Uh (BLEEP) (BLEEP) How do you expect to ever, like, have a career doing this? You ever want to like, you, bring you invite people here, and, yeah, make a list, (BLEEP) every other person who doesn't come Stupid.
What's going on with you? What are you talking about? Youyou sound insane.
Just beautiful.
(ALARM BLARING) (GRUNTING) ba-da-da-do-ba boo-ba-do-ba ba-da-da-do-ba boo-ba-doop-da-da (WHISTLING) : Hello, sir.
: Hi.
How are you May I have a hot dog today, please? Here you go.
Thank you.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Can I have a little mustard? (GRUNTING) – Thank you so much.
Thank you.
: Yes sir.
ba-da-da-do-ba boo-ba-do-ba ba-da-da-do-ba (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS) Here to perform a cut off their new E.
Please welcome IronTom! Check one, two.
Drummer, drummer.
Che-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ck! Checking one, two.
Check! Check the Mic! (STRUMS GUITAR) Yeah.
(DRUMBEATS AND GUITAR STRUMS) – Six, five, – Yeah! Hey! – four, three, two, whoa! – Hey.
Yeah! Hey! Hey.