The Eric Andre Show (2012) s02e03 Episode Script
Lou Ferrigno/Downtown Julie Brown
1 Ladies and gentlemen, itâs "The Eric Andre Show"! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahh! (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhhhhhhhh! Ahhh! Ugh! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh! Ahhhh! Yah! (BREATHING HEAVILY) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) All right.
(APPLAUSE) (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) You hear about this guy Frederick Douglass? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, it's, like, call me when there's a Kirk Douglas.
(LAUGHTER) There is a Kirk Douglas.
What would you do if they called you and said, "there is a Kirk Douglas" then what? Problem solved.
That's it? That's what you would say? Yeah.
All right.
Cool.
(APPLAUSE) So, I was at my accountant's, the other day and (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) Please don't.
(BUZZING) (INHALES SHARPLY) Please don't make me do this.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) (BABIES CRYING) This sucks, man.
(MUZAK PLAYS) How about this? You're fired.
You copy that? You're fired.
You're hired.
You're fired.
Don't talk to me about the S.
E.
C.
Well, get him on the phone.
I'm going to go back in that office and rip your heart out like I'm Kano from, "Mortal Kombat.
" Hold on.
Yeah, ma, I'm gluten-free now.
I'm the only one who stuck his neck out for BP.
I think all those fish in the ocean deserve to die.
Ugh! Well, then buy it.
Well, then sell it.
I don't know.
Ugh! How old is this coffee? I can't digest this shit.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
Did you get the abortion yet? Ugh! You didn't get the abortion? What am I paying you for? Sell it.
Just sell it.
Ugh! Those prices are fantastic.
We're not gonna do better than that.
Ugh! Whee! All right! My next guest please welcome, the original Hulk Lou Ferrigno! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Even when you're in a good mood, you're terrifying.
There you go.
Well what have you been up to? Me? I was on the "Celebrity Apprentice" last year.
Yeah, it seemed like you were getting shafted over there.
â I justI kept my hands in my pocket.
â Congrats.
(APPLAUSE) What do you think happens after you die? â Well, you got to hope you go somewhere.
â Mm-hmm.
Man, you're shoving that doughnut down.
Yeah.
I want to get taxidermied, have them saw my teeth into fangs and put, coyote eyes in my eye sockets and be mounted like this in the Smithsonian museum, with a little plaque that says, "A Talk Show Host.
" Why the Smithsonian? 'Cause I figure after World War III, there won't be too many talk shows, yo.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest, please welcome The Hulk! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) How you doing? â What's happening? â I'm good.
You look fantastic.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
What have you been up to? You know, just hanging out, you know, hanging out, staying out of trouble, you know, I just One time, 1:00 in the morning, I was tired.
I was filming as the Hulk.
â I decided to leave makeup on, â there was a car, drive along me.
He looks at me and he sees the car and he crashed into the car in front of him.
They're thinking I'm some kind of drag queen.
Who knows? (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Don't get makeup on my arm.
I'm attracted to you.
Don't do it.
It'll be a bad.
Okay, don't go any further.
Do you see this shirt? If you get green on that shirt It's tense here, man.
Oh, really? It Hey, we're on TV.
I'm not joking.
Don't get closer to me.
Okay? (CHUCKLES) â So, what, uh what do â If he gets closer, I'm gonna leave.
Okay.
(MUZAK PLAYS) Sit, Hoos.
Excuse me.
Ma'am? Sir? Sir? Sir? Excuse me.
M-ma'am? Can you help me please for a second? I'm sorry.
Miss? Uh-huh? Hi.
Have you seen my dog? Uh-huh.
Describe him to me! Describe him to me! â Aaaaaaah! (BLEEP) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) I'm going to buy a car today.
I'm looking for Harry.
Harry? Harry! That's me.
I'm looking to buy a fine automobile from him.
Do you have a friendly car or one that talks? I'm ready to buy right now.
I will not buy if you want me to get naked.
I don't feel like that's appropriate.
You want to see my genitals? That's not okay.
Do you have any Skittles? Uh, all right! And we are back.
My next guest you'll remember her from Club MTV.
Please give it up for "Downtown Julie Brown"! (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) Unh, unh, unh.
Have a seat.
You look fantastic.
Thank you.
I want to go on vacation.
Where should I go? I would go to Wales if I was you.
Why's that? There's-s-s-s so much you could make fun of.
Mm-hmm.
Like what? The weather.
What about the weather there? It just rains all the time.
â Mmmm.
â Oh, yeah, that's hilarious.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Corn-Beef me! â Oh! You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Ah.
Do you have a girlfriend? I've never even hugged a girl.
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS) What do you think of these moves? â Let me just get comfortable again.
â Sure.
Get comfortable.
I get it.
What's your thoughts on all-you-can-eat Sushi places? 'Cause, if you don't finish the Sushi, they charge you, which I think I don't think that's fair.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) What if it was disgusting? (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING CONTINUES) (FEEDBACK) (VOICE ECHOING) You ever seen the show "How I Met Your Mother"? (DISCORDANT PIANO CHORDS) (WHIRRING CONTINUES) Oh, God, that sounds awful.
That sounds terrible.
(WHIRRING STOPS) (PIANO NOTES PLAY) Hey, you want to see something cool? I'd love to see something cool.
I programmed Hannibal to be my Manchurian Candidate.
Black Jack.
(GUN COCKS) (GROANS) (BODY THUDS) Could you do a promo for the show real quick? (MUZAK PLAYS) Ugh! Ugh! Bah! Those prices are too fantastic to believe.
How much is gold right now? Can I I want to prove a point to this guy on my Bluetooth.
Ugh! You got to be kidding me.
That's fantastic.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then buy it! I don't know.
I'm mulatto.
Mm-hmm.
Ugh! (VOMITING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) There needs to be some new metaphors, like "the tube is on the door.
" Uh That could mean, you know, you got to wake up.
â So â So Pee-pee Pee-pee â Is â Is â Hurting me â Hurting me â When I â When I â smell-a da coffee.
â smell-a da coffee.
â Wait.
â Wait.
: So you're penis is hurting when you smell coffee? : Bori-i-i-i-i-i-ng! : Chi-i-i-na! : Wha-a-t? Hey, you cheating on me big boy? (AUDIENCE OOHS) Hell, no, shorty.
You know on swole.
Even when it don't want to do nothing, swole.
It be unmotivated, and you motivate it.
You a Goddamn, the Pat Summitt of my dick.
Come over here you big-titted maniac.
Let me get it.
(AUDIENCE WHISTLING) Mmm.
Yeah.
(BOTH SMOOCHING) (OPERA MUSIC PLAYS) (SINGING OPERA)
(APPLAUSE) (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) You hear about this guy Frederick Douglass? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, it's, like, call me when there's a Kirk Douglas.
(LAUGHTER) There is a Kirk Douglas.
What would you do if they called you and said, "there is a Kirk Douglas" then what? Problem solved.
That's it? That's what you would say? Yeah.
All right.
Cool.
(APPLAUSE) So, I was at my accountant's, the other day and (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) Please don't.
(BUZZING) (INHALES SHARPLY) Please don't make me do this.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) (BABIES CRYING) This sucks, man.
(MUZAK PLAYS) How about this? You're fired.
You copy that? You're fired.
You're hired.
You're fired.
Don't talk to me about the S.
E.
C.
Well, get him on the phone.
I'm going to go back in that office and rip your heart out like I'm Kano from, "Mortal Kombat.
" Hold on.
Yeah, ma, I'm gluten-free now.
I'm the only one who stuck his neck out for BP.
I think all those fish in the ocean deserve to die.
Ugh! Well, then buy it.
Well, then sell it.
I don't know.
Ugh! How old is this coffee? I can't digest this shit.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
Did you get the abortion yet? Ugh! You didn't get the abortion? What am I paying you for? Sell it.
Just sell it.
Ugh! Those prices are fantastic.
We're not gonna do better than that.
Ugh! Whee! All right! My next guest please welcome, the original Hulk Lou Ferrigno! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Even when you're in a good mood, you're terrifying.
There you go.
Well what have you been up to? Me? I was on the "Celebrity Apprentice" last year.
Yeah, it seemed like you were getting shafted over there.
â I justI kept my hands in my pocket.
â Congrats.
(APPLAUSE) What do you think happens after you die? â Well, you got to hope you go somewhere.
â Mm-hmm.
Man, you're shoving that doughnut down.
Yeah.
I want to get taxidermied, have them saw my teeth into fangs and put, coyote eyes in my eye sockets and be mounted like this in the Smithsonian museum, with a little plaque that says, "A Talk Show Host.
" Why the Smithsonian? 'Cause I figure after World War III, there won't be too many talk shows, yo.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest, please welcome The Hulk! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) How you doing? â What's happening? â I'm good.
You look fantastic.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
What have you been up to? You know, just hanging out, you know, hanging out, staying out of trouble, you know, I just One time, 1:00 in the morning, I was tired.
I was filming as the Hulk.
â I decided to leave makeup on, â there was a car, drive along me.
He looks at me and he sees the car and he crashed into the car in front of him.
They're thinking I'm some kind of drag queen.
Who knows? (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Don't get makeup on my arm.
I'm attracted to you.
Don't do it.
It'll be a bad.
Okay, don't go any further.
Do you see this shirt? If you get green on that shirt It's tense here, man.
Oh, really? It Hey, we're on TV.
I'm not joking.
Don't get closer to me.
Okay? (CHUCKLES) â So, what, uh what do â If he gets closer, I'm gonna leave.
Okay.
(MUZAK PLAYS) Sit, Hoos.
Excuse me.
Ma'am? Sir? Sir? Sir? Excuse me.
M-ma'am? Can you help me please for a second? I'm sorry.
Miss? Uh-huh? Hi.
Have you seen my dog? Uh-huh.
Describe him to me! Describe him to me! â Aaaaaaah! (BLEEP) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) I'm going to buy a car today.
I'm looking for Harry.
Harry? Harry! That's me.
I'm looking to buy a fine automobile from him.
Do you have a friendly car or one that talks? I'm ready to buy right now.
I will not buy if you want me to get naked.
I don't feel like that's appropriate.
You want to see my genitals? That's not okay.
Do you have any Skittles? Uh, all right! And we are back.
My next guest you'll remember her from Club MTV.
Please give it up for "Downtown Julie Brown"! (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) Unh, unh, unh.
Have a seat.
You look fantastic.
Thank you.
I want to go on vacation.
Where should I go? I would go to Wales if I was you.
Why's that? There's-s-s-s so much you could make fun of.
Mm-hmm.
Like what? The weather.
What about the weather there? It just rains all the time.
â Mmmm.
â Oh, yeah, that's hilarious.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Corn-Beef me! â Oh! You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Ah.
Do you have a girlfriend? I've never even hugged a girl.
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS) What do you think of these moves? â Let me just get comfortable again.
â Sure.
Get comfortable.
I get it.
What's your thoughts on all-you-can-eat Sushi places? 'Cause, if you don't finish the Sushi, they charge you, which I think I don't think that's fair.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) What if it was disgusting? (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING CONTINUES) (FEEDBACK) (VOICE ECHOING) You ever seen the show "How I Met Your Mother"? (DISCORDANT PIANO CHORDS) (WHIRRING CONTINUES) Oh, God, that sounds awful.
That sounds terrible.
(WHIRRING STOPS) (PIANO NOTES PLAY) Hey, you want to see something cool? I'd love to see something cool.
I programmed Hannibal to be my Manchurian Candidate.
Black Jack.
(GUN COCKS) (GROANS) (BODY THUDS) Could you do a promo for the show real quick? (MUZAK PLAYS) Ugh! Ugh! Bah! Those prices are too fantastic to believe.
How much is gold right now? Can I I want to prove a point to this guy on my Bluetooth.
Ugh! You got to be kidding me.
That's fantastic.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then buy it! I don't know.
I'm mulatto.
Mm-hmm.
Ugh! (VOMITING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) There needs to be some new metaphors, like "the tube is on the door.
" Uh That could mean, you know, you got to wake up.
â So â So Pee-pee Pee-pee â Is â Is â Hurting me â Hurting me â When I â When I â smell-a da coffee.
â smell-a da coffee.
â Wait.
â Wait.
: So you're penis is hurting when you smell coffee? : Bori-i-i-i-i-i-ng! : Chi-i-i-na! : Wha-a-t? Hey, you cheating on me big boy? (AUDIENCE OOHS) Hell, no, shorty.
You know on swole.
Even when it don't want to do nothing, swole.
It be unmotivated, and you motivate it.
You a Goddamn, the Pat Summitt of my dick.
Come over here you big-titted maniac.
Let me get it.
(AUDIENCE WHISTLING) Mmm.
Yeah.
(BOTH SMOOCHING) (OPERA MUSIC PLAYS) (SINGING OPERA)