The Fall Guy (1981) s02e02 Episode Script

The Ives Have It

(FINGERS SNAPPING) COLT: # Well, I'm hot the kind to kiss and tell But I've been seen with Farrah # I've never been with anything less than a nine, so fine! # I've been on fire with Sally Field Gone fast with a girl named Bo # But somehow they just don't end up as mine # It's a death-defying life I lead I take my chances # I die for a livin' in the movies and TV # But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading ladies # Kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee # I might fall from a tall building I might roll a brand-new car # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star (FINGERS SNAPPING) # I've never spent much time in school But I taught ladies plenty # It's true I hire my body out for pay # Hey, hey # I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs Blown up for Raquel Welch # But when I wind up in the hay It's only hay # Hey, hey # I might jump an open drawbridge Or Tarzan from a vine # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine # No! Colt! (SCREAMS) No! Come on, pull it.
Pull it! Come on, Colt.
Open the chute for God's sake! Come on! (ALARM SOUNDING) Police Code R, this is Executive Security Service.
Burglary in progress at 104 East London Road.
Owner is away on vacation.
Freeze! Oh, thank goodness I found you.
- I didn't know we were lost.
- No, wait, this is serious.
- Forget it.
We're going on vacation.
- No, you can't! No, $50,000 of Big Jack's money's on the line.
Well, she’ll just have to collect on the collateral.
- Oh, well, there's a slight rub.
- How slight? - TERRI $50,000.
- You didn't.
I did.
I let somebody out without collateral.
And that person slipped on Big Jack's money? TERRI: I will lose my job.
I can’t just wire Big jack and tell her how stupid I was, -letting her talk me into this.
-"Her"? Yes, her.
It's a snap.
She was caught in a burglary.
HOWIE: Wow, she looks like anything but a cat burglar.
TERRI: That's why I took the chance.
It was a first offense.
- She probably panicked and ran.
- Where? - Club Aruba.
- You sure? Thanks to the magic of passport numbers, I checked all the flight logs till I found her.
Colt, please bring her back.
But there's a lot of water between here and there.
Yes, well, I know, that's what jack said you were so good at.
- What, swimming? - Resourcefulness, wit, daring, not to mention the fact that the girl you're after is gorgeous.
And your being rather gorgeous yourself, I can't think of any better bait.
You know, you're going to make a great lawyer.
So, Colt, who do you think we should be? - For what? - Well, new identities, so nobody will suspect who we are.
I was thinking that I might be suave and debonair, and have a scathing wit and a savage repartee, yet retain a sense of that je ne sais pas, savoir faire and charm What do you think? --Won't work.
- Well, why not? It's too much like the real you.
I got a better one for you.
How about nice guy, open, a little naive, throw in a "gosh, golly" every once in a while.
- Gee, you think that'd work? - Well, stretch a little.
What about you? I was seeing you as the great adventurer, maybe like Bogart in To Have and Have Not You really see me as Bogie? You're right.
I guess I'd better work for that one.
Mr Caldwell, I'd like you to meet a few of my good friends.
What a pleasure.
Slam dunk.
And this is Hogie Parnell, all-pro quarterback.
- How do you do, sir? - The others you know.
I trust all the suites and other arrangements are satisfactory, Mr Hardy? Oh, as always.
Ah, the way you go to such lengths to see that your famous friends have a good time.
You're one of a kind, Mr Hardy, one of a kind.
HARDY: Have a good swim.
Stan, you enjoying yourself? - You bet I am.
- Good.
By the way, I know that your wife's not here, but I do hope you'll be able to stay for the party this evening.
I'm sure that we can see to it that you have someone to talk to.
I'd be delighted.
Make sure that Shawna sits next to him at the show tonight.
I think I'll try the pool.
HARDY: Shawna, I'd like to talk to you a second.
- You certainly do take care of your friends.
- Only my close ones.
- Hope I make the charmed circle.
- You already have.
- Stan Edwards likes you.
- I'm sure I'll like him, too.
No, I mean he really likes you.
He'd like to meet you at the party tonight.
- He's married.
- I know.
He asked to sit next to you.
AL: I'm sorry, but it's a private party.
WILL: Mr Hardy's expecting me.
- I have to see him.
- You don't understand.
- It's a private party.
- All right, all right.
He's expecting me.
Excuse me.
I see an old friend.
AL: I told you, it's a private party.
WILL: All right, all right! Al, Al.
It's okay.
--Will, what are you doing here? - Same thing as everyone else.
Paying you off.
Or trying to.
Look, Hardy, I've come up a little short.
- How short? -10,000.
Look, my business has been slow.
Will, I don't think you worry enough about your son's career.
You know, with the elections coming up, the last thing he needs is for his past to come back and haunt him, right? Please, how much do you think I can keep paying? (CHUCKLES) Lots.
Hey, control yourself, kid, we're here to work.
- Colt, which is the good ear? - They all look good to me.
- No, I mean for flowers.
- Oh, I think the left ear means they're available.
They're all on the left ear! I'm coming back here for vacation just as soon as we finish working.
I don't think you could stand it.
- Right now we got to locate Shawna.
- And then what? Look, kid, the bounty hunter is like electricity.
It takes the path of least resistance.
First is extradition.
Great, while they're processing her papers, we can swing, dance and swim, cha-cha-cha.
Well, we don't have time for extradition, we don't have the money it takes to bribe the local officials down here.
- Well, what's the second step? - Well, we talk.
Try to convince the girl the sensible thing to do is to come back peaceably.
Good, while she's packing, we can swing, dance and swim, cha-cha-cha! Right.
If she buys it.
They usually don't.
- Hey, you want a beer? - Sure.
Two beers, please.
You see, a person turns down "sensible", we take to extreme measures.
Snatch and grab.
(WOMAN SCREAMING) There's Shawna, the girl we're after.
Well, I'll be.
HOWIE: Look at the size of the guys she's with.
She's only been here a day or two.
How close could they be? I'd hate to get trampled trying to find out.
They look like the LA Raiders.
I think I recognize some of them.
Situation like this, you isolate the maverick from the herd.
- Even if it's a herd of bull elephants? - Especially if it's a herd of bull elephants.
You just hold tight, huh? - Snatch and grab? - Nope.
We're into phase two.
Talk some sense.
- Excuse me, miss.
- Sorry, I'm taken.
- No, it's important that we talk.
- I don't want to.
- Yeah, but - Bye-bye.
SHAWNA: Be a nice guy.
Have your fun somewhere else.
- No, look, I'm not here for fun, I'm - Sure you are, guy.
- Hey, Omar, going out for a pass.
- Right! Wait a minute, guys! Can we talk about this? Wait! Wait! What now, Colt? Phase one and two don't seem to be working.
Shut up, kid, I'm thinking.
- It's hopeless.
- Nothing's ever hopeless.
We just haven't got the right bait to get inside that circle.
What time is the last plane from Los Angeles? Jody.
(PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - COLT: Jody.
How would you like a little fun in the sun? I need you down here right away.
Oh, I don't believe it.
I get to come to Aruba? What time does the plane leave? And, Jody, coach.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) I see it, but I don't believe it.
It only took her three minutes.
Well, it's all in knowing what type of lure to use.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Hey, Jody.
Nice work.
Now all you got to do is keep in with that group and try to get Shawna off someplace alone.
I don't think it's going to be that easy, Colt.
- Why not? - I think you have the wrong girl.
Oh, no way.
She looks exactly like her pictures, and Terri said she would be here.
JODY: She's been here for three weeks, and the burglary was one week ago.
- Well, that's her story.
- No, no.
That guy Hardy that I was dancing with? He said she's really been here that long, unless she went out and flew back.
Hardy? That's the name of the guy whose house she robbed in LA.
Well, maybe she sets them up on vacation.
She knows they're here, so she goes back and robs 'em.
That's slick.
But why come back? PAGE: Paging Shawna Ives, phone call for Shawna Ives.
- Over here.
- See, that's her name.
- I still don't get it.
- Yeah, well, neither do I.
- You just hang in with the beautiful people, huh? - Okay.
Hello? - This is Shawna Ives.
- KITTY: I'm in the room, sis.
- Any luck? - I found the safe.
A few are in there.
Don't touch.
They're getting more tonight.
It's being set up now.
HOWIE: Where are we going, Colt? COLT: Oh, you'll see.
If we're going to snatch and grab her, we can't do it on a commercial airliner.
This one can handle it.
Hey, get away from that airplane! I want to charter it for a picture.
(CHUCKLING) Colt Seavers! How the hell are you? I'm fine, fine.
- You look good, Madden.
- Yeah.
Yeah, so does The/ma.
That's why you ain't gettin' near her again.
Stay away from him.
He's a stuntman.
Things around him always get broken, like legs, arms, heads, cars, planes.
Things that are whole make him nervous.
- Well, I'm a stuntman, too.
- Back! Back! Colt, what's the matter with him? All you want to do is charter his plane.
Well, you see, he's very fond of that airplane.
- It's kind of like asking to rent his girlfriend.
- Her, you can have.
But not Thelma.
Look, Madden, it's not for a picture.
It's strictly for fun.
Colt, I've only got two airplanes.
One's already broken.
Look, I'll make it worth your while.
I fly to the States.
I'll pay you extra to deadhead it back.
No monkey business like before.
You know what he done? He took an airplane of mine, and when he was finished smashing it around, it looked like parts of a dune buggy all over the runway.
I won't do anything like that.
You got my word.
That's all? And a big deposit.
- You okay, kid? - I'm home, Colt.
(COUGHS) You're also losing.
I was born to the tropics.
Everything I've done with my life up until now has led to this moment in time.
This place in history.
This is my rendezvous with destiny.
Shawna is in the bag.
Go along with it.
It's for laughs.
I've seen some trophies in my day, but you deserve an Oscar.
(CAMERA CLICKING) Where you 96"“)? You seem to want me to look my best.
Give me a break.
- She's quite a woman.
- Shawna? She's a good friend.
Practically family.
Then, we're all family here.
Whatever's mine is yours.
Hardy's bodyguard was just slipped some film.
Shawna spotted it and followed him out to the lobby.
Try and have that smoked by the time I get back.
Al's on his way up with some more film.
Wait until he leaves, then go for it.
I'll keep watch down here.
If there's any danger, I'll signal you.
In the meantime, I'll find us a way off the island tonight.
I won't be long.
Are you up to your old tricks? (GASPS) -Who are you? - Colt Seavers.
Does your new boyfriend know what business you're in? Let's just say that George will be very proud of me, shooting a burglar in his room.
You weren't after money on your Last job, either.
I know you're a burglar.
Now you're going to try for killer? (KITTY CHUCKLES) I'm not a burglar.
I catch you red-handed, and you tell me you're not a burglar.
HARDY: Cash me in, Lou, I'm going upstairs.
(PHONE RINGING) - I take it that was a signal.
- We've got to get out of here.
You don't understand.
There's someone on their way up to this room.
Good, good.
Then I can tell them the situation, and you and I can be on our way.
If you tell George Hardy anything, the only question will be which one of us dies first.
George Hardy is a philanthropist.
He's not a killer.
He's a pig.
A blackmailer.
Everyone with him tonight is being set up.
Some are paying through the nose right now.
I suppose you're Robin Hood out to save them.
I'll explain it all to you, but we've got to get out of here now.
Good, you can tell me all about it on the way to the lobby.
Hey! AL: Open up! Well, you've done some second-story work, but this is the sixth floor, so listen very carefully.
(DOOR KNOB RATTLING) AL: Colt, if you don't open the door, we're going to break it down! I said open up this door! It's a narrow ledge.
Don't look down.
(DOOR KNOB RATTLING) COLT: You're doin' fine.
Now, we're going to move around the corner.
(POUNDING ON DOOR) COLT: just keep hugging the wall.
You're doing fine.
You Okay? Oh, no! You didn't! No, you didn't.
Oh, impossible, but they got down somehow.
Who was it? The guy who was trying to get to Shawna at the pool today.
That's very interesting.
There has to be something out of here before morning.
I don't care where.
All right.
What's the number? I want you to go down to the front desk and have Caldwell run some of his computer magic on these players.
I want names, room numbers, visas, the works.
The film's gone.
We've got to get our hands on 'em before they get loose.
- You know, maybe it could've been a cop.
- No, cops don't break in.
Besides, none of my clients would dare phone the police.
Then you think maybe this guy's working for one of them? Looks that way.
Fortunately for us, it's a very small island.
(PHONE RINGING) Madden Charter.
Do you have a plane that can take me off the island? No, lady.
I'm working on one bird, and the other one's booked.
- I'll pay you double your rate.
- Double? - Where to? - Anywhere back in the United States.
- The shortest route.
- Shortest.
Well No, no, I really can't.
- That is, unless - What is it? Unless what? Well, the guy who has it booked got it on standby.
Now, if he don't need it right away, I could probably spring it for a few hours.
His name is Colt Seavers.
He's staying at the Club Aruba.
-[ could tall him.
- Never mind, I'm already there.
If I can find him and have him give up the plane, you'll do it? Well, if it's legal.
This ain't international airlines, but I do check luggage.
Look, I'll get right back to you.
Colt Seavers? (GASPS) I wouldn't scream.
We both could be in a lot of trouble.
- What are you doing up here? - I raise pigeons.
Look, you're not a cop, or you wouldn't be sneaking around after me on your own.
- What are you after? - You.
Me? A guy that looks like you doesn't have to crawl around on ledges and roofs -to find ladies.
- Well, they do if they're after fugitives.
Fugitives? What in the (CHUCKLES) You don't mean that stupid burglary charge in Los Angeles? Hey, I know burglary should be legalized.
It would cut the crime rate in half.
But there are some people around that aren't as sophisticated as we are.
I'll fight extradition.
Then you'll be fighting cockroaches at the same time.
The rest of the time you'll be fighting off the guards.
Prisoners lose all rights in jail here.
Terrible conditions.
You're very persuasive.
You win.
- Just a round.
- Round? I think there's a lot of fight left in you yet.
We're going to stay very close.
- You don't trust me? - I don't have to.
I've got the only way off the island.
And now we wait until Hardy is sure we're well away from the hotel.
Paging Mr Seavers.
Mr Colt Seavers.
Excuse me.
Did somebody just page Colt Seavers? Yes, this lady right here.
- You're Colt Seavers? - Depends on who wants to know.
- The mysterious type.
- You paged me, sister.
No, wait, I'm sorry.
I just didn't want to be hustled, and I do get my fair share.
That I can believe.
So, why did you interrupt my game? I was on a roll.
You've chartered a plane.
You know a lot for a complete stranger.
Well, I just got off the phone, and the man from the charter service said that he'd fly me to the mainland if you'd release your plane for a few hours.
I can make a few calls, change a few plans.
I'm willing to pay.
That goes without saying, baby.
This is the tropics.
Please, can you really help me? I can get you out of here.
Oh, I'd be grateful forever.
Can I use your phone? HARDY: What is that Fall Guy stuff? Who is this guy, anyway? (PHONE RINGING) - Colt? - Yeah, what is it? What are you doing asleep at a time like this? She walked right into our net.
I'm ready for the snatch and grab.
What? Never mind.
I'll meet you at the back door of the hotel.
- Where are we going? - Out the front door.
I think we waited long enough.
It should be safe to head back down.
Come on.
- Wait a minute, where are we going? - Where do they usually keep airplanes? What, are you looking for somebody or what? -(STAMMERS) I want to leave a message.
- You said you were in a hurry.
Take it or leave it.
- I can phone from the airport.
- Good thinking.
- This way.
Out the back.
- The service entrance.
Great idea.
I'm so dumb I thought it was clever.
I wonder what went wrong.
Just who are you, Colt Seavers? That's right.
That's me, Colt Seavers.
(MEN GRUNTING) - Where did you Learn to fight Like that? - KITTY: I took a correspondence course.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, go get 'em.
Get in! Hey! Hey, stop, man! Stop! Hey! Hey, hey.
This is a police car, man! Stop, stop, stop! Stop that car, man! Stop that car! Police! KITTY: Where are we going? COLT: I've chartered a plane.
Right now it's waiting for us, ready to take off.
If I can get a block on this guy, we can get in the plane and be airborne.
KITTY: What's that thing on the hood? COLT: I'm more interested in what he's got under his hood.
(TIRES SCREECHING) KITTY: What's wrong? COLT: This car was made more for speed than hitting police cars.
- We've gone about as far as we can go.
- KITTY: Oh, no.
We're miles from the backup phone my sister will be calling on.
Oh, that's okay.
We're not going anyplace until you do some explaining.
Just who and what are you? Look, my sister and I have fooled a lot of people because we're identical twins.
Identical twins? You expect me to believe that? No one does.
That's why we're so successful.
I've never heard of the Ives Detective Agency.
-We're not in the Yellow Pages.
- Well, how do you get your clients? Through lawyers.
I should say law firms.
Prestigious ones with important clients, which means Important bucks.
We were trying to get back the extortion evidence that Hardy had on our client back in Los Angeles.
Why didn't you tell that to the LA police when they caught you? Because I would've had to have told them what I was after, and my client is terrified of exposure.
What about the film from Hardy's safe? We had hoped that that would give us the leverage to talk him out of our client's material.
Meaning your man gets off the hook at the expense of others.
Look, I'm not passing moral judgement on the transporting of human flesh, so spare me the sermon on selective justice.
Now, we'd better get going.
It's a long walk to that phone.
We're going to run out of gas before we even get off the runway.
We're waiting until he gets here.
If he's not here by now, he's not coming.
I'm in the same boat as you.
You don't know Colt.
He'll see that you're gone, and he'll see that I'm gone, and he'll know exactly where we are.
Pros like us always have a backup plan in case we get separated.
He learned it all from me.
For the first time in my life, I am really terrified.
HOWIE: I don't suppose you recognize that van.
Unfortunately, those are Hardy's men.
We better get out of here fast.
HOWIE: Hardy was right.
There they are.
- You better stop! - It's too dangerous! What do you call this? Oh, no! MAN: It's heading right for us! AL: Let's get out of here.
It's going to explode! It's going to blow up.
We've gotta get out of here.
Go! Go, already! (EXCLAIMS) (SIREN WAILING) (CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT) POLICEMAN: Stand where you are! Put your hands in the air! HOWIE: Don't worry, sweetheart, everything'll be okay.
just follow my lead.
This isn't the first time I've run into trouble in the tropics.
I remember the time Iran into terrorists in the Tortugas.
Colt and I had the terrorists cornered just off Quehana Bay on the southeast tip of Cuba.
We figured they'd grabbed the young heiress to hold her for ransom.
There she was, her supple, young body practically falling out of the tattered rags that had once graced the center spotlight at Bergdorf Goodman's Fifth Avenue line.
(PHONE RINGING) There is no Quehana Bay on the southeast tip of Cuba.
Ix-nay unless you can be ositive-pay.
I'm trying to make these people understand that we're important world law-enforcement officers.
Really? Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in an okel-yay ail-jay.
We've verified your fingerprints, Miss Ives.
You're not wanted in the United States.
- That's impossible.
- You're free to go.
If you wish this young man held on a kidnapping charge, - I will be most delighted to prosecute.
- Prosecute? What about the two guys who tried to murder us? Prosecute them! Mr Hardy assures us you must have made a mistake about them.
Ask Shawna.
- Bye.
- Shawna? Shawna, have a heart! I was just doing my job! Shawna! Are you sure this is your backup phone with Shawna? I know something has happened to her.
- I bet you're afraid of telegrams, too.
- Never open them.
(RINGING) - Yes? - It's me.
Shawna, what happened? - Howie? -What about Howie? - He's in jail.
-jail? - He demolished a plane.
- Can she get him out? I need him right away.
Can he get out? Okay.
She can handle it.
Tell her to meet us at the airport.
I need Howie to set up for our last picture again.
- He'll understand.
- Yeah.
(PHONE RINGING) A' as? LO“: Jody? Colt, I was really worried about you.
Now, look, there's not much time, so listen carefully.
- Madden, we need to borrow another airplane.
- No! Absolutely not! That would be breaking the 11th Commandment, thou shall not lend an airplane to Colt Seavers, especially after your buddy destroyed The/ma.
Look, it's not for me.
It's for some helpless people who Get your hand off this airplane.
I just fixed it.
- Oh, come on, I'm insured.
- Colt, I don't want your money.
- I want my airplane.
- Now, Madden, if I have to reach into the past - Don't.
- You remember Sonora.
- Don't! - The time you were hired on as a stunt flyer.
- You remember that night? - All right! All right! But after this, I owe you nothing! You never did.
She's a nice airplane.
Try to be gentle.
- Is everything all right? - What's wrong with you? I've never seen you this way before.
Al, I've got a great instinct for survival, and right now it's being threatened.
What, because of that guy and broad? Don't worry about it.
I can handle it.
There's something more than meets the eye.
I don't know what it is, but I'm not going to be happy until I have them both in my hands.
Okay, you got it.
Hey! Hold it! That's Shawna! Get her! AL: Hey! Come back here! Hello.
It's impossible! Your timing's perfect.
How'd you get around here so quick? Telekinesis? Come on, we're going to take a little plane ride.
Wait a minute! What do you want with me? - I want to kill you.
- You're a hit man? Mmm-hmm.
Who hired you? Somebody tired of paying you blood money, so you can surround yourself with celebrities, most of whom are paying you through the nose.
- How much? -50,000.
All right.
I'll make it 100,000, and we'll forget about the whole thing.
What, are you poor, or don't you value your life much? Come on, let's go.
HARDY: 150,000.
COLT: Forget it.
Colt! Deal's off! I've changed my mind! You're going nowhere in my plane! I'm not going to be an accessory to murder.
Good God! Come on, move it.
(CLICKS) I couldn't find any concrete, Colt, but these bricks ought to do just fine.
- You guys are lunatics.
- Okay, push him out.
No! Wait! I'll pay anything! - Anything? - Anything! I was kind of glad you said that.
- Why? - I spend a Lot of time studying my hits.
Most of 'em live like scared rats.
Not you.
You live like a king.
- You're the first victim I ever envied.
- I'll make you partner.
Oh, I couldn't trust you.
You got all the ammunition.
Go ahead.
No, wait! You could trust me! You could! We'll share all the evidence! I've got everything! - All of it? - All of it! What are you suggesting, Colt? The boys'll never go for that.
Hey, I like his lifestyle.
Me, I'm tired of sleeping in cars and following people around days and nights, for the momentary fun of killing them.
I want to live like him, with beautiful ladies around -and big-star football players.
- There's no way, pal.
I'm on the way up.
I've been building a reputation, and nobody's going to wreck it.
Not you or anybody.
Well, I guess this is the end of it, huh, kid? - What do you mean? - Parting of company.
- You wouldn't dare.
- I got no choice.
I can't leave you around to tell the boys that I sold out.
That's too bad.
I kind of liked you.
SHAWNA: Howie! You just blew him out of the plane.
- And you're next, sweetheart.
- You wouldn't! I'm a woman! Well, next to killing men, I love killing women.
But you can trust me.
Sweetheart, I barely trusted him.
- My God, you're ruthless! - Yeah, remember that.
Okay, what about the negatives, partner? - What about her sister? - No problem.
I can fly.
Everything's in a safety deposit box in the Cayman International Bank.
It's a couple of blocks from Club Aruba.
- Where's the key? - It's a combination.
What's the numbers? Seven to the right, all the way to the left to three, right to 18.
I'm going to radio a friend.
She'll have it checked out inside of an hour.
If you're right, you land with us at Key Largo.
If not, you land in the Caribbean.
One more thing.
There won't be time to check out a second set of numbers.
(EXCLAIMS) Wait a minute.
On second thought, that was the old combination.
The HEW numbers GTE Howie, help! I can't get this jacket off! Shawna, don't panic! I'll be right there! My jacket won't come off! Hurry up! We're falling too fast! - How did it go? - Life follows art.
Just like the picture we did before we left LA.
Howie, Jody, do you read me? - Loud and clear, Colt.
- Sharp and crisp.
Everything all right down there? - Fine.
How'd it go? - Well, I know where it all is.
- Great, where do I go? - Cayman International Bank, Aruba.
Combination lock, 19 left, 16 right, 44 left.
We'll drop Hardy off with the Key Largo Police when we land.
- Do you want us to meet you there? - Yeah, in about a week.
Why did you do it? Save all the victims? That's a stuntman's job, to keep the stars looking good.