The Fall Guy (1981) s02e06 Episode Script

Reluctant Traveling Companion

(FINGERS SNAPPING) COLT: # Well, I'm hot the kind to kiss and tell But I've been seen with Farrah # I've never been with anything less than a nine, so fine! # I've been on fire with Sally Field Gone fast with a girl named Bo # But somehow they just don't end up as mine # It's a death-defying life I lead I take my chances # I die for a livin' in the movies and TV # But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading ladies # Kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee # I might fall from a tall building I might roll a brand-new car # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star (FINGERS SNAPPING) # I've never spent much time in school But I taught ladies plenty # It's true I hire my body out for pay # Hey, hey # I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs Blown up for Raquel Welch # But when I wind up in the hay It's only hay # Hey, hey # I might jump an open drawbridge Or Tarzan from a vine # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine # The young lady's name is Christina Smith.
Where will I find her? She's being held by the Philadelphia police to be delivered back to LA.
I don't want her to survive the trip.
I already know this city is not willing to bear the expense of extradition.
Therefore, the bonding company will have to send a private investigator or a legal warrant bearer.
The Philadelphia police will be glad to turn her over.
- Know where he is? - No.
Nor do I see any reason why he should interfere or survive if he causes any difficulties.
(sum FIRING) Cut! No! No! In the truck! Not on top of it! - Colt, are you okay? - Yeah.
- What happened? - I just sprained my wrist.
- How'd you miss your mark? - Oh, that was my fault.
I'm sorry.
No it wasn't.
I slid the truck over too much.
- Yeah.
We'll get it next time, Howie.
- Maybe, but not today.
We don't have time.
We've got to move.
We'll do it again when the schedule permits.
Okay, gentlemen, let's have a rehearsal I was waiting for you but I thought you were supposed to land in the truck.
Very funny.
Well, at least you came to watch.
Oh, you know better than that, Colt.
Bring her back alive and it's $5,000 in your pension plan.
I'd rather have $5,000 in my pocket.
Where do I have to look for her? Behind the Iron Curtain? She's in the custody of the Philadelphia police.
- What'd she do? Commit mass murder? - No, some white-collar crimes.
Grand larceny, forgery, a couple of counts of embezzlement.
No violence, though.
Plane leaves in two hours.
She's not bad.
I think I should go along, Colt.
Two men can handle this with total efficiency.
Hey! What about me? I mean, isn't there a rule or something about a male accompanying a female prisoner? Sorry, neither one of you go this trip.
I'll need you to cover for me at the studio.
Then you're going? Well, let's talk.
And this girl, Colt, is so sweet and so gentle.
Come on, knock it off, lady! Get - Stop it! - Grab her legs, Doug.
I got her arms.
Stop! Let go of me! You brute! POLICEMAN: You better put your cuffs on her right away.
She's quick.
I appreciate this, fellas.
Well, you had all the right papers, and as long as she's off our property, she's all yours and good luck! Thank you.
My name's Colt Seavers.
I'll be escorting you back.
- Do you put the shackles on me now, Mr Seavers? - No, I don't think that'll be necessary.
We're both adult enough that we can handle this without any trouble.
You know what I mean? Thanks.
I appreciate that.
This is all difficult enough.
Well, if you don't mind me asking, how did you get into a situation like this? Oh, it's very simple, really.
The First Charter bank cheated my father out of every penny he had and it killed him.
So, I went to computer school, and when I knew enough, I took what was rightfully mine.
COLT: Well, it just goes to show you that two wrongs don't make a right.
Taxi! MAN: Where to? COLT: Philadelphia International Airport.
- No what? - No planes.
I won't fly.
It's 3,000 miles.
What are you planning on, a long walk? I'm afraid of flying and there's no way that you can make me do it.
This is the 20th century.
I'm afraid wagon trains are defunct.
Choc-choc trans aren't.
A train will take us three days to get to the coast.
I'm in no rush and the airlines will not allow a hysterical woman on the plane.
- You're not hysterical.
- I will be.
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON PA) Hey! What the hell was that? Help! Help! MAN: Somebody stop that guy! He's molesting that girl! Help! Help! Stop! Help! Well, I see your papers are in order.
If you give me back to him, you are a bigger oaf than he is.
Take her out of here.
Better yet, I'll escort you.
I never want to see either one of you in Philadelphia again! Let go of me, you animal! Stop it! - Settle down, I got a bad back.
- Put me down! (KNOCKING AT DOOR) BURTON: Come in.
Jackson, what was that commotion in the terminal? - Commotion? - Yes.
Most extraordinary.
Rather like a scene from King Kong.
Well, I don't know anything about that, Mr Burton, but I'll tell you one thing for sure.
Nothing is going to interrupt your studying that script.
Thank you, Jackson.
That's most reassuring.
You see, I'm under the most acute deadline to learn this before we get to California.
- That is, unless the producers rewrite it.
- You have a deadline.
Well, you have my word.
You won't be able to tell this car from a cemetery.
The only sound you'll hear will be the turning of those pages.
You're a rare man, Jackson.
You understand a man's need for solitude.
I shall see that you're well reimbursed.
Yes, sir.
- CHRISTINA: Let go of me, you animal! - Don't be self-conscious, kitten.
Another few seconds, you'll be in your cage.
(SCREAMS) (GROANS) Open this door, you little wimp! Open this door or I'll break it down! Lost our key, have we? - Richard Burton! - Lower your voice.
I'm incognito.
- I'm Colt Seavers.
I'm in stunt work.
- Stunt work? - Pictures! We worked together once.
- Oh.
The Desert Rats.
You were fantastic.
You drove over my head in your staff car.
Yes, memorable.
You've healed nicely.
Oh, thank you very much.
You on your way to Hollywood to do another picture? Well, if I can find peace and quiet enough on this train to prepare.
Peace and quiet? You mean me? Oh, don't give that a second thought.
The little lady and I, we were just rehearsing, you know.
Rehearsing? That explains everything.
I can't tell you how that relieves my mind.
For a moment or two I thought I was shackled with the Wild Bunch.
We'll give you all the peace and quiet you can handle.
- Just Leave it to us.
- Wonderful.
- Well, it's good to see you, Clint.
- Colt.
Give my regards to your lady.
Say, what picture are you doing? Maybe there's some stunt work I could Richard Burton.
Christina! Open this door! CHRISTINA: Go away or I'll scream! (CHRISTINA SCREAMING) Porter, I seem to have locked myself out.
- Do you have tickets for this compartment, sir? - Yes.
All right.
- There you are, sir.
- Thank you.
Just for your information, there's a man next door that could be very important to my career.
Do you understand? Now, there are two ways you could spend the rest of this trip.
Comfortable or uncomfortable.
Would you like to be comfortable? Good! Then I'm going to take my hand away from your mouth, but if you scream you spend the rest of the trip in cuffs.
You understand? Okay.
Oh, hello, Mr Burton.
Can I get you something from the club car? No, thank you.
That's very kind of you.
You didn't by any chance hear a scream, did you? A scream? No.
My lady friend and I, we were just rehearsing a small fight scene, but (TRAIN HORN BLARING) Perhaps that's what you heard? Of course.
Sorry to disturb you.
No, I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.
- You sure about that drink? - No.
No, thank you very much.
I only I only drink when I work.
(MUFFLED GROANS) Yeah, I sure would like to give you one of these.
I'll bet you're hungrier than a wildcat in a snowstorm.
Trouble is you can't eat with a gag in your mouth.
Unless you consider behaving less like a wildcat and a little more like a lady.
It's against my better judgement.
- What about the other one? -just takes one to eat.
Who's calling who an animal? Hey, when I told you there was a man next door that could mean work for me, you were very unsympathetic.
How can I be sympathetic to someone who hauls people around like captured game? - I didn't break the law.
- Neither did I.
I'm innocent.
Everybody is.
Our court's just corrupt.
And you enjoy it.
No, I enjoy making movies.
I do this when my stomach is empty.
I don't like it.
Especially, now.
What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I am going to bed.
I am tired.
I am not spending the night with you.
I'm entitled to a private cell.
Look, this train was your idea.
I can't afford two compartments.
And I'm losing money as it is.
I've already missed two interviews for stunt work because of you.
I hope you starve.
Of course, there's always Mr Burton.
You know, a star can always put in an awful big word for his own stuntman.
You know Richard Burton like I know the President.
And I might even introduce you, if you promise to behave yourself for the rest of the trip and not embarrass me.
Embarrass you? How could I embarrass a man who hauls a woman through a crowded terminal like a sack of potatoes? I don't carry ladies that way.
Besides, how would I know there's gonna be somebody on this train I wouldn't want to be seen by? You mean, there really is someone in the next compartment that is important to you? What did I say? No! No! I won’t let you! No! Not again! You promised! Oh! Not again! No! Not the whip! Sick! Jackson, I wonder if you could find me another compartment on this train.
An insulated one.
Now, all this ain't gonna do you any good.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Somebody comes, I show them you're a fugitive and they go away.
Sorry to bother you, Mr Seavers, but I've been receiving some complaints about noise Don't make me do that again! I let you once, but never again! I am so ashamed! - Oh, thank God! Help! - I can explain.
I used to be a pretty fair middleweight.
Make it good.
We're rehearsing for a movie.
Don't believe anything he says.
I'm being kidnapped! I'm going for help, and if you're smart, you'll follow me.
I can prove what I'm saying.
I'm a stuntman.
I work in the movies.
There's a man on this train that knows me.
Richard Burton.
He ran over me once.
It was one of the most spectacular stunts I ever did.
Even Mr Burton said it was memorable.
He's such a great man.
Now listen, mister, either you come along with me voluntarily, or I'm gonna go get help.
That won't be necessary, Jackson.
I do know this gentleman.
- He's all right.
- All right? Mr Burton, you don't know what he's doing in there! See for yourself.
(GROANING) Good evening, miss.
Sorry to disturb you.
Rehearsal? Yes.
Very effective, Colt.
But as one professional to another, I do wish that you could make it a little quieter.
I admire the way you throw yourself into your work, but if it could be a trifle I know, quiet.
You won't hear from us again, sir.
- You're a dear boy.
- Thank you, sir.
That'll be all right now, Jackson.
Everything will be all right.
That really was Richard Burton! Now look, I don't know what's going on in here, but I want that woman out of them handcuffs right now.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
But I can explain why they're necessary.
Now, you see, this girl is my prisoner.
Don't listen to him.
I have papers to prove that I'm okay and she is a fruitcake.
Those papers are fake! Now, why didn't you show me these right off? Well, we all have our pride, Mr Jackson.
I just didn't want Mr Burton to know I was this desperate for work.
This is desperate, all right.
Okay, I'll radio it ahead to check them out.
But until I find out everything is okay, sir, you'll have to wait in the club car.
You're not going to leave me like this! I'm in pain! It hurts! - In the interests of peace and tranquility - I think you're right.
Oh, you really are a human being, after all.
- There, that should be better.
- What are you doing? - I can't sleep like this.
- It doesn't matter.
It's almost morning.
Come back here, Seavers.
Seavers! Seavers! Whiskey.
A double, please.
He's in the club car.
Now's our best chance.
I'll keep the conductor busy.
You take out the chick.
(GRUNT $3 CHRISTINA: No! No, stop that! I'm warning you! Stop it! Colt.
Oh, no! Not Mr Burton! I placed the call, Mr Seavers, but it may be a while before we hear anything on your warrant.
I can get you a sleeping chair, if you like.
I'd rather give the prisoner the chair.
Well, she is a woman, sir.
Jackson, they outlive us 20 years on the average.
- This is one example of why.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, porter, would you send a wire for me, please? Oh, yes, sir.
(GROANS) Colt? Colt? Where are you? Hello? Oh, yes, Mr Burton.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Mr Seavers, you know the problem we've been having with that woman you got handcuffed in Compartment C? - Yeah? - Well, you don't have it any more.
- She just broke out.
- What? (GUN CLICKING) (CHRISTINA SCREAMING) Hold it! You're out of luck, cowboy.
The gun's empty.
You're making it nice and easy, cowboy.
It's you! I'm sorry I hit you.
I thought you were somebody else.
I know very well who you thought it was, and when you see him, will you tell him that I'll give him a piece of my mind, if not a piece of my hand! There's a time and a place for this kind of maniacal idiocy, and it's not, repeat, not in a public conveyance! Jackson? Yes.
I wonder if you could let me have a tall glass of scotch at least as old as I am and an ice pack And, if you should see that young man, Colt Seavers, would you I'm gonna fall! I'm gonna fall! (SCREAMS) (KNOCKING ON WINDOW) Dear God! Now that was a really good stunt! How did you do that? Mr Burton, I really appreciate that.
I'll come back later and explain.
I hope we didn't disturb your reading.
Now, wait a minute.
I want you to tell me how you made that man disappear! He was trying to kill you.
Why? I don't think it's that hard to figure out what he wanted.
Well, that was an attempted murder! Oh, he was attacking me, but I don't think killing me was on his mind.
Look, little lady, if you've got some serious enemies, I'm going to have to have some help in delivering you.
You won't get it from me.
Well, I'm gonna wire Chicago to have help meet us there.
At least maybe I can get some sleep.
Here, let me freshen this up a little bit.
Here you are, Mr Burton, I brought your drink and ice pack.
- Just leave the bottle.
- Yes, sir.
Here, bend over.
Sorry, Colt.
Excuse me, Mr Burton.
I don't suppose you've seen the lady from my - Yes.
Yes, she went that way.
- Thank you.
No, no, wait a minute.
First you have to tell me how you made that man disappear before my very eyes.
I'll tell you if you promise not to pass it on to a soul.
I give you my word.
Okay, I threw him off the train.
You threw a passenger off my train? Oh.
Well, you see, it was either him or me.
He might not be hurt bad.
The ground looked pretty soft.
You'll find him about 50 miles back.
- Close the window, would you? - Yes, sir.
I don't even know what to do.
Nobody's ever thrown anybody off my train before.
You don't take him seriously, do you? Colt was only joking.
- Are you sure? - Oh, sure.
You have to know these stuntmen.
They're a breed of their own.
"I threw him off the train.
" (CHUCKLING) - That's a good one, isn't it? - Yeah, that was a good one, all right.
Oh, yeah.
I wonder how he plans to get back on the train? What the hell do you mean he was thrown off the train? Where's our lady now? She got off, too.
You lose her, Vinnie, and you'll be in worse shape than Red.
Got it? I got it.
He nibbled my fingers and arms.
And then he ripped off all of my clothes, and smothered my body with his disgusting, groping hands.
I mean, I just can't believe what this guy has done to me.
You look like really nice guys.
Family type people.
I gotta tell you, I thought he was a really nice guy when I met him at the church social.
But he turned out to be this pervert! And he could be following me, chasing me to this wonderfully wholesome town.
That's the guy that did it! Did what? Wait a minute, fellas, let's talk about this.
You know, I didn't think anybody was sick enough to do things like that.
All right, now.
Let's everybody keep calm.
Think of the good things in life, huh? Food, safety, fulfillment of all pleasures, eye of an eagle, heart of a lion, hands of a woman No good, huh? How about "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
" - Drop it and freeze.
- It was only my finger.
Whatever, boy, you're still going to jail! COLT: She's a crook! She stole my wallet.
She stole my papers.
You gotta believe me, Sheriff.
The story I hear from the boys makes you a wild and woolly buffalo.
Hey, wait just a minute.
I'm a church going, pure of mind, and a bounty hunter with legal papers on this Christina Smith.
I ain't got time to verify the first two, but, if you're willing to pay the long distance calls, then I'd be willing to check out the rest.
- She stole my money.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- Well, call collect.
- That's embarrassing.
Beneath my station in life.
I'm a sheriff, not a deputy.
I'll bet that's real silver.
I run straight west.
I can drop you off in Chicago.
You can rent a car, hop a plane.
I can go anywhere I want.
I've got lots of credit.
I'll settle for Chicago.
Now that you know that I'm legitimate, can I have my belt and buckle back please? Consider yourself lucky.
I could have liked your pants.
Boy, I sure like that vest you're wearing.
You Hollywood guys got the best down-home look I ever did see.
What about my prisoner? Well, she got a ride with Jake.
She's heading west.
You know, I like the sound of that, "Heading west.
" Do you think I could do those bank commercials? "Heading west with my saddlebags full of do-re-mi" I have to catch her.
Well, she probably got about a hundred mile head start on you.
Westward ho! Can't you just wire ahead for me? You used up your buckle on the last phone call.
You're broke, boy.
Don't I have a line of credit with you now? No, but you sure have a nice vest.
- That could get you all the way to Chicago.
- No.
BEN: That's Jake's truck.
COLT: Oh, then that's my lady.
Take her down lower.
I gotta get onto that truck.
You're crazy! That truck's moving.
Now that I got her, I don't want to lose her.
Why don't we just take you to the train station? Because I don't trust her to go to the train station.
What? What the hell are you doing? You're nuts! JAKE: Lady, how come you don't want me to drop you at the train station? Because someone's at the train station that I'd just as soon not see.
Thanks for the ride, Jake.
Watch out! - Where did you come from? - I flew in.
- Come on, we got another train to catch.
- Now, after this? Lady, it's not me they're trying to kill.
Come on.
Colt! Where have you been? Spending 12 hours in a terminal is not my idea of a happy weekend.
- You should have been in my boots.
- Is this her? Hi.
I'm Colt's partner, Howard Munson.
You can call me Howie.
- I prefer Mr Munson.
- Great.
We'll begin with Mr Munson and break down the barriers of our relationship as we come to them.
- Kid, can we make the train? - Are you kidding, Colt? - They're still holding the one you came in on.
- Why is that? Well, they haven't quite figured out the story on the missing passengers.
- COLT: Go get some food, Howie.
- Well, I'm not hungry.
Well, think food! I want to talk to Christina alone.
Hey, I can take a subtle hint.
Now that you're willing to admit somebody is trying to kill you, do you mind telling me why? In the process of recovering Dad's money, I broke all the bank's internal computer codes.
There's an interesting philosophy.
You call it recovering, the law calls it stealing.
- Just different points of view.
- You should be in the movie business.
Anyway, with the codes, I nosed around through some of their secret bookkeeping procedures.
People don't try to kill people for just being nosy.
Sure, it's against the law, right? Anyway, I discovered illegal transactions amounting to millions, including Dad's money.
The bank doesn't want to prosecute.
They'd rather kill me before I get to the stand.
And for nothing! I mean, I will not testify anyway.
- How can you say that? - Easy.
I mean, you've seen what's going on here.
Look, let me tell you something.
You just can't clam up like that.
There're a lot of innocent people involved and who don't have the knowledge you do.
- Now give them a break.
- Amazing.
You really are a Boy Scout at heart.
You really believe that right is right and wrong is wrong.
Now, don't ridicule it just because you choose not to believe in it.
I'm sorry.
I guess with all that I've been going through, I just find you a little too good to be true.
It can't be all that bad.
(sum FIRING) (SCREAMING) Shall I tell Jackson, or will you? It's the least I can do, Mr Burton.
How could you lose them? You were on the train with them.
- I got dumped off.
- Can you catch it before LA? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Makes no difference.
You can finish up your dirty work on this one alone.
What are you talking about? This is your line of work, your job to do.
I don't think so.
I've had enough.
I quit.
You're not a bank teller.
You can't resign.
I just did.
Your two fish are on the 809 out of Chicago, State Room C.
One stop before it reaches LA.
Good luck.
I'll double your fee again.
Save it and buy yourself a gun! So So, what? (RATTLING) No! No, don't throw me off! I'm the porter! The porter! -We couldn't be sure.
- Well, what do you want me to do? - Wear a siren? - I'm sorry.
Tell that to my heart.
You got it beating overtime.
If you people are gonna talk, I'm gonna go get something to eat.
- You can all go -Jackson! I wasn't gonna say anything like that, ma'am.
It's just that when I radioed back the cops found the spot where your last victim landed only they never found him.
He got away? Getting thrown off a train isn't exactly what I'd call a regular escape.
Is there anyplace he could catch up with this train? - On foot? - No, no, no, no.
Airplane? A car? Or is there another stopover? Well, we got one more stop in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Then straight on through to LA.
I don't see how anybody could make it.
We could be safe for a while.
Yeah, but who's gonna keep the rest of the passengers safe from you, Mr Seavers? You're a plague, man, a regular plague.
He'll take full responsibility.
Trust me.
Looks good.
No ape.
Then we can lock ourselves in for the night.
Maybe spend some time alone? - You're forgetting about Howie.
- Couldn't we get a babysitter? Well, he'd want it to be you.
Well, maybe it will be you who'll be alone.
He's kind of cute.
That won't work.
- Why not? - Because you're my prisoner.
Sir, the dining car is closed for the night, and it won't be open again this trip.
You'll have to return to your seat.
I didn't have time to arrange for a compartment.
Would it be possible to get one in this car now? Don't know why anybody would want to do that.
I beg your pardon? Nothing, sir.
Look, I'm sorry.
Look, this car is full.
No compartments left.
Oh, there must be some place I can sit down and do some work, have some privacy.
Well, sir, the only thing I can offer is the baggage car.
That will do just fine.
What time do we arrive in LA? -6:00 a.
, sir.
- Perfect.
(GASPS) That's the banker! Maybe he just wanted to talk to you about a checking account.
And maybe he doesn't look so awesome now.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Colt! Mr Burton, I came to apologize for the disturbances.
Disturbance? No, not at all.
Just first cousin to the crack of doom! The last trump! All we needed was Spitfires, Hurricanes and a barrage balloon, and You know, you talk great, Mr Burton.
I just love listening to you.
What exactly did you say? In a word, my young colonial friend, it means that I've never appeared on a set unprepared.
At least until now.
Gee, I'm really sorry, Mr Burton.
Is there anything I can do to help you? We have four hours until this train returns east.
Until that time, this compartment is mine and mine alone.
Now sit.
Pick up that script.
Read Lady Fiona.
It's on page 62.
Start at Scene 12.
- Lady Fiona? - Mmm-hmm.
Mr Burton, I don't know if I can do this.
Nobody will ever know but me.
(CLEARING THROAT) -"I've missed you ever so much" - All right.
Stop! It's a very trying and emotional part.
I suggest you try it with a softer voice.
- Softer? - Yes.
-"I've missed you ever so much.
" - And higher.
Higher and softer.
(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) "I've missed you ever so much.
"My nights have been lonely and desolate "since we traveled the canals of Venice together.
" Come now, Colt.
Put some feeling into it.
I must respond to your passion! "I've missed you ever so much.
"My nights have been lonely and desolate "since we traveled the canals of Venice together.