The Fast Show s02e06 Episode Script

Coming soon to the BBC – a brand–new drama series.
John Actor is tough, uncompromising Inspector Monkfish in – I'm in charge here! What's happened? – It's her husband, Monkfish.
– Inspector Monkfish to you! – The time of death is 9.
15.
Really (?) What do you want, a biscuit?! Go and get me a body bag – sharpish! I realise this must be a difficult time for you, so put your knickers on and get me a cup of tea! Gloria, take your boyfriend upstairs and find me a murder weapon! Move! You, my love, go and keep my car seat warm! Go on! What are you doing, lying down there?! Hello, and welcome to "Jazz Club".
Nice.
This week, the undisputed king of bebop trumpetingtrumpet – Piles Hussein.
Great! Piles! Piles, with his band The Jazz Mess, will start by playing the bebop classic "Nik–Nak–No" with the famous chorus in double time modulating between the keys of B and A–flat and resolving itself in E.
Crazybut nice! Grr–eat! "Nik–Nak–No" – yes! One, two One, two, three, four.
(UPBEATJAZZ) I'm courtin' again.
Aggie Coniston.
Nice lady.
Very clean.
I don't have a lot of luck wi' women.
I don't have a lot of luck wi' owt, really.
I were looking through me photo albums last night! That were a trip down Misery Lane, I can tell you.
But I never give up hope.
Aggie's a fine lady.
She keeps cats.
Sit down, Alf, sit down.
Don't mind Whiskers.
Just scoot her away.
Oh, right.
– Oh, she likes you.
Cats know about people.
– (PURRING) Did I tell you? My son's coming home from Australia in two weeks.
– Oh, that's ni–ice! – (CAT SNARLS) – You've got a daughter, haven't you? – Yes! The cat's got its claws in my privates! – Do you see much of her? – No.
She's down south, isn't she? – Yes! – Oh, I haven't given you cake.
(CAT SQUEALS) Oh, Alf, no! Bugger.
(DIDGERIDOO MUSIC) Hello, there.
Welcome to "That's Amazing" with me, Carl Hooper.
First on the show this week is Davy Monroe, who's brought with him something amazing.
– Hello, Davy.
– Hi, Carl.
– What have you got for us, mate? – I've got this amazing magic pen.
– A magic pen? – Yeah, it's everlasting.
– No matter how much I write, it keeps going.
– Really? "My name is Davy Monroe.
My name is Davy Monroe.
My name is Davy Monroe.
" – How long have you had the pen, Davy? – Nearly a month.
– Do you use it every day? – Not really, mate.
I'm not really a writing type of man, I'm more of a talking kinda bloke.
Davy, most pens last about a month anyway.
– I haven't had much pen experience, mate.
– Jesus.
– I'm quite a good carpenter.
– Really? I made my daughter a doll's house out of a barrel.
It's really nice.
– Did you use your magic pen? – No, I used conventional woodworking tools.
– A saw and a hammer.
– A magic hammer? Did it keep banging the nails in all night like a magic hammer? Well, it didn't wear out mate, no.
– Jesus! What have I done to deserve this? – Oh, cripes, look! That's amazing, mate! – My everlasting pen just ran out! – Can I borrow your pen for one second? – Sure, mate.
– Thanks, Davy.
Next week – bats.
Are they really blind or just taking the piss outta me? This week, I are been mostly eatin' Raspberry Pop–Tarts.
Before the jury retires to consider the evidence of this most serious case, it behoves me, as the presiding judge, to ask each member of the jury to consider an additional, equally pressing question.
Does my bum look big in this? Do I look silly in this wig? I do have to wear it, but do I look silly in it? I do.
Listen, when I came in, did I look all huge and waddly in this gown? I did, didn't I? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Coming soon to the BBC – a brand–new drama series.
John Actor is a tough, uncompromising doctor in"Monkfish M.
D.
".
– You, out! – He can't be moved, Monkfish.
– Doctor Monkfish to YOU.
Who are you? – His wife.
You'll know your way round a coffee machine.
Two sugars.
What do you think this is – Canterbury Cathedral? Listen to me! God doesn't make people better, I do! Savvy? – Yes.
– Right.
Do one.
YOU, put your knickers on and find me a porter! I want this bed! Now, nail varnish.
Would red nail varnish on a judge add a touch of much–needed glamour in a dull environment or would it be inappropriate for somebody in my position? Oh! A sports jacket, sir! Oh! Suit you! – Suit you! – Mmm! – Oh, the ladies love a chap in a sports jacket.
– Yes.
– Very manly.
Do you have a preference, sir? – Oh, I don't know.
This one looks quite nice.
I mean in women, sir.
Oh! Do you have a preference, sir? Do you prefer a slow–witted girl, sir? Dim, bright of aspect, but with no discernable intellect, sir.
They're more fun in many ways, sir.
Oh! Suit you! They may not bring much to the party, but they enjoy themselves when they're there! – I'm married, actually.
– My commiserations, sir.
– It suits me fine.
– Suit you! Do you have an open marriage? – Do you have an open wife, sir? – Hi! Found anything you like? – Well, there's this.
What do you think? – Really, sir! She's a woman, sir.
She can't be expected to look decorative AND think.
– You can't talk to me like that! – Oh! Thank God for the ladies! – Where would we be without them? – Bless 'em! – Come on, let's go! – She's a fiery one, sir! I bet you fair knock yourself out trying to keep her entertained between the sheets, sir.
When it boils down to it, sir, do you care if the lady enjoys herself? I mean, let's face it, sir, sexual congress is simply the act of procreation tarted up a bit.
Come on, I've had enough! Ever been to a cock fight, sir? Mm? Two proud cocks, in peak condition, advancing menacingly, erect, ready to do battle.
Brutal, sirbrutal, but strangely compelling.
They never give up, sir.
– Oh, suit you, sir! – Suit you! There's the other point.
It could make my fingers look pudgy like chipolatas.
When they're a bit stumpy, sometimes nail varnish makes it look fat and brings attention to something not that beautiful – like Elizabeth Taylor.
Shoes (BEEPS HORN) (POSH) Hello, hello! Yes.
We're looking for the garden party.
Do you know the way to the garden party? (RUSTIC) Yes.
You go up round the back, over the top and down the line till you get to a wall.
You'm thinking, "Hello, what's a wall doin' here?" and you'll be going like this.
"Suppose I'd better go down this road here.
" And you'll say, "This road? This road here? "Look at this road," you'm say, "Look at it.
" Then you'll be driving down this road until you come to a tree.
You'm thinking, "Hello, what's a tree doing here? Lovely old tree.
Which way now? "I've come this far," you'm thinking, "Why give up now?" And you'm thinking, "I'll go down here 'cause this road looks right, "but where is this road leading me? Where?" You'm thinking, "Where does this road lead? Where? Have I gone too far? "My God! My wife, my little children! Where does this road lead to?! "Have I got enough petrol for such a journey?" you'm thinking.
"Is it gonna rain? It's possible! "Turn back!" you'm saying, "Turn back! My wife! My little children!" That's enough! That's enough! – You say relationships are about give and take.
– Yeah, right.
I give all the time and you take! – Listen, I'm going to the loo.
– Don't flounce Do not raise your voice to me in public! All right, mate? Birds, eh? What can you do with 'em? – First off, do you love her? – Yeah, I think so.
Good start.
Did your little tiff stem from the bedroom? – No, certainly not.
– Judging by your reaction, it obviously does.
Don't worry.
It's not your fault.
The trouble with relationships today is what I call Female Orgasm Expectancy or FOE, as I call it.
Years ago, your average bird, what did she want? Semi, couple of kids, bunk–up on a Thursday.
– Since Germaine Greer wrote that book – "The Female Eunuch".
.
.
they want an orgasm every night.
Sorry, girls, it's a waste of valuable time and energy and it's me darts arm.
In my book, in, out, and put the kettle on.
FOE, mate.
It's a killer.
It's like a woodpecker tapping away at your relationship.
– Yeah, right, I'm going to get a drink.
– ErI'll have a lager, please.
All right.
He's only getting a drink.
I understand you're having a few problems topside.
– He said that?! – Not in so many words.
– But I do detect a note of tension.
– Pardon?! Don't shoot the messenger, love! It's not your fault.
The woman is a very sophisticated machine.
She needs a full service – plugs and points.
– No good trying to jump–start a bird, is it? – Very liberated (!) Liberated's my middle name, except when I was in gaol! Men and women want two different things.
What's your average bloke want? Angel in the garden, whore in the kitchen, mother in the bedroom.
No, that's wrong.
Whore in the kitchen, mother in the bedroom That's wrong, as well.
Angel in the kitchen, whore in the bedroom, mum in the garage, unless you've got a flat.
Have you read my book? "In, Out, And Put The Kettle On".
So I went down there and I said to him I can't remember what it was that I said.
But, anyway, I said it and he said to me something in reply, and so I said it again, whatever it was.
Doreen, I haven't told you this before, have I? I'm not pissed.
It's just that I can't remember exactly what it was that I said.
No? Well, what happened was I went down there and I said to him I can't remember what it was that I said.
Anyway, he said something in reply and I said it again – (BEEPING) – .
.
whatever it was that he said.
Doreen, I've got to go.
The phone's ringing.
(BEEPING) Hello, hello? I'm sorry, I've got to go.
The oven's beeping.
(BEEPING STOPS) – Simon, your tea's ready! – Coming! (SCREECHING BRAKESCRASH) Dad's home.
(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (MAN'S VOICE) Ralph! Ralph? Ralph.
Ralph? – Ralph? – I'm sorry, Clive, I waser – What were you saying? – Are you still in debt? It's a constant struggle keeping the house going, but we muddle through.
(RALPH) Heads up.
(WINGS FLAPPING) Ah, wasn't quick enough.
If you did want to sell me the house, I could offer you an attractive package.
I couldn't.
The house is more than a house to me andthe people who work there are more than – Get a move on, you silly man! – Sorry, sir, the dog's a bit slow.
– Don't you blame my dog! – Sorry, sir.
– I beg your pardon? – Sorry, sir.
Oh, begorra (!) He's a bloody bog–trotter! Long way from home, aren't we, Paddy? – (MUTTERS) – What did you say? Nothing, sir.
I didn't say anything.
(MUTTERS) – What? – Clive, look, they've startled some birds! Ah, too They've gone.
You get back down there and see if you can't scare up a few more birds.
You send them all the wrong bloody way! Probably don't know right from left! – Clive, sorry, I'd really rather you didn't – Rather I didn't what? What are you still standing there gawping at?! I told you, get back to your beating! Wait a minute.
I stepped in something earlier.
Come and clean my shoe.
– It's not my job to clean your shoe, sir.
– Not your job? Not your job?! I'll show you your job, you vile cretin! LEAVE HIM ALONE! LEAVEHIMALONE! – Don't walk in these woods at night, sir.
– What? – You heard what I said.
– What? You heard what I said.
We took a medium–sliced, standard–sized white family loaf and placed it on this flame–retardant slab.
We then subjected it to an intense blast of heat.
Ha ha! The results of this experiment were You can almost see fire sprites dancing in the flames! A phoenix rising from the ashes, Jim Morrison, The Doors, Jerry Garcia, The Grateful Dead! Oh, Dave, come see! It's beautiful, man! Ain't snowboarding brilliant? It's fantastic, innit? It's exactly like sledging, only you stand up, and it costs more and you have to go to Switzerland.
You stay in a chalet, which is a cross between an 'ouse and a garden shed.
Fantastic! But the most fantastic thing about snowboarding is, if you have a freak hot day and all the snow melts, you can stay on your board and do surfing! Brilliant! In't surfing fantastic?! In't David Hasselhoff a bit too old and podgy to be doing what he's doing? Taking his shirt off and running through the waves, battered by the salt spray, and, er, that other thing – what's it called? – oh, yeah, spume, yeah! In't Pamela Anderson fantastic? I bet she's seen a lot of spume in her time.
(ROMANTIC THEME MUSIC) (MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY) Bono estente, mi amoros.
Heth–eth–eth–eth, heth–eth–eth–eth, Chris Waddle.
Mmm.
Bono estente, pussycat.
Ohh–ah! Questo lotharo stick–o–lip?! Oh! Mio canteros sminki–pinki slutto stupido! Heth–eth–eth–eth, heth–eth–eth–eth! Bang, bang, bang! Keepi–sna! Pippi–sna! Mio tutto pussycat, mio tutto! Ablo stuto pupo moronico sinatra, pussycat! – Oh, apologias, mi amoros, apologias! – (ROMANTIC MUSIC) Tuo tutto macho fantastico! Mio stat fetari in cochino pablo manjan.
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh! This week, I aren't been 'ungry.
Coming soon to the BBC – a brand–new drama series.
John Actor is a tough, uncompromising vet in "All Monkfish Great And Small".
– (COW MOOS) – Shut it! I'm in charge here! – What's wrong with this cow? – She's calving, Monkfish.
Dr Monkfish to you! YOU, put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea! Two sugars! You still here? Do you think this is the Pony Club? This floor will be awash with blood! Now, shift! Right, YOU, spread 'em! Out, you cowson! We've got a good shot.
This new deal should clinch it.
With Rybolt sniffing around, it's damage limitation time.
I hope the Germans will be flexible so that we can close it.
For the sake of my home life! Seven trips abroad in a month – the wife's getting a bit tetchy.
– Tell me about it! – Mm.
Look! Look at the houses! They're tiny! It's like Toy Town or something! Wow! – I've just been up to see the Captain! – No? – In the cockpit! – Wow! – You can see him driving and everything! – Ohhh! Hello, there.
Tommy Cockles here.
We're going to see a piece of film featuring Arthur Atkinson.
It's a propaganda film.
Arthur gets into all sorts of scrapes with the Boche.
I have a small part.
I was to have had the lead, but my wife took a dislike to the director's wife.
She threw a piece of coal at her at a barbecue in Deal.
I was bitter at the time.
I took her sewing box and burnt it.
Still, life goes on.
Well, it did for Arthur.
He became a household name.
We had fun on the set.
No, we didn't, it was hell.
In this scene, Arthur and his long–suffering sidekick Chester Drawers are trapped in Fortress Nazi.
If you look out for me, I took the less–taxing role of third German, which I made my own.
Anyway, here's the film, and it's called "Five, Four, Three, Two, Hun".
'Ere, that's a stroke of luck, Ches, these uniforms fitting us so well! – Heh heh! Come on, hurry up! –Oooh! I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying! – What about the secret plans? – The secret plans, the secret plans? – I've got a plan! We'll post them to England! – Ho, ho! That's a good plan! I know it is, it's mine! Heh heh heh! Anyone got a stamp? I've not.
You have now! Heh heh heh heh! Crikey, look at this, Ches! – What a stroke of luck! Look, a stamp! – Hurry up, Arthur! – Chester, your cap! – Oh, Arthur, your glasses! Come on, schnell, before the Nar–zies get us! (CHESTER) It's curtains! (BOTH) Crikey! – Sieg Heil! – Sieg Heil! Hello, there! Yeah, it's him you want.
Chester – he's the one who done it! Heh heh heh heh! – Arthur, they think you're HIM! – Who? – Him! Adolf! – Ooh! 'Ere! Eh? Where's me washboard? 'Ere, go on, eh? Where's me washboard? Yes! Hah hah hah! 'Ere, look at this! Go on, match that! Yes! Yeah, I got another one on the other side! 'Ere, I think this could catch on! Come on! (CROWD) Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil! What's the matter with you lot? Lost a Wiener and found a schnitzel? 'Ere, hey, look at this! Where's me washboard? 'Ere, I tell yer, I've only got the one, you know! Yeah! Mind you, Chester hasn't got any! Yeah! What are YOU laughing at? Who are you? Herman the German from Aggadiwick or Malcolm the Balkan from Bromley By Bow! Tell us ze von about ze vashboard again! He is such a funny chap.
– I like Chester Drawers.
– He is just a sidekick.
He makes ME laugh.
I like Tommy Cockles.
I know my own body.
Something's wrong.
I'm gonna need a biopsy, a scan I can't do that unless I'm convinced there's something seriously amiss.
I don't have time for your lack of competence.
Make me an appointment at the hospital tomorrow morning! All right, listen.
.
Could you ask Dr Henderson to step in for a moment, please.
I'm getting in a colleague who's an expert in this field.
About time.
You're going to find yourself pretty embarrassed when – Hi.
What's the problem? – (GIRLISHLY) Hewwo, Doctor! Hello.
There's really nothing wrong with you, is there? No, if oo say so.
– You're just being silly, aren't you? – Pwobably.
It's just that my furry front bottom was a bit hurty.
– I'll go home now and go to bed and rest.
– Have a couple of paracetamol.
You'll be fine.
Mia magteros ton Chanel 9.
Drama Inglese.
El puto John Actor esse MONFI––I–SCHI – Tu na den satos, Monfisch.
– Generalissimo Monfisch a due! – Milton Keynes, Portillo e Chris Waddle! – Felehilah, pussycat! Ton slag heth–eth–eth–eth–eth! Mussolini black death tomatro! Mia amatos sminki–pinki e puto knickers outra wonderbra mexi kaput, comprende? Pesto! Mesto nica cuppa tea! Duo sucro! (THINKS TO HERSELF) Bastardo! (COFFEE GRINDER WHIRRS) (SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY GRINDER) (COFFEE GRINDER WHIRRS, STOPS) .
.
which was nice.
(TV) Davy Monroe in Brisbane with his magic pen, which apparently just keeps on writing.
– Finally, the result of England's World Cup – No, no! (SWITCHES CHANNEL) And now, highlights of the match between England and Romania.
– Lovely! – I'm not gonna tell you the score – No, you ain't, mate.
– But we're in for a real thriller tonight.
– Lovely, lovely! – Ron, everyone awaiting the return of THREE–TWO, THREE–TWO, THREE–TWO, THREE–TWO! THREE–TWO, THREE–TWO, THREE–TWO England! Amazing match! Own goal in the last minute, two penalties! I won't even bother taking me coat off.
(RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY) .
.
I mean, absolutely vast ice floes.
(RAMBLES).
.
it was like something that I'd simply never seen before! But there he was, staring at me, six–foot–eight, if he was an inch! (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY).
.
the whole thing was made out of matchsticks! Yes! I mean, I laugh now(RAMBLES ON) I mean, can you imagine(BURBLES ON) .
.
four–star Nazi general licking a lollipop! (RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY) I was feeling a little liverish.
And he punched me right on the nose! I really didn't feel a thing because, you see, I was very drunk.
Coming soon to the BBCI John Actor plays a tough, uncompromising female cop in – Um – (WHISPERED DIRECTION) Scorchio! Scorchio!