The Fast Show s03e02 Episode Script

For the role of William, the character has to age 50 years in the period in which the story takes place.
When everybody else is tucked up in bed, I'll be in make–up for six hours becoming an octogenarian old man.
(SHAKY VOICE) I'm a very old man! (CAR ACCELERATES) (EXPLOSION) I love to sing, my knapsack on my back Val–deri, val–dera Val–deri, val–dera–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha Val–deri, val–dera My knapsack on my back I've reached my goal weight now and I'm pretty optimistic that I won't put it all back on again.
Hah! What's new with you? Oh, sorry.
– Could you tell me where the photocopier is? – Certainly–bertainly, yes.
Go right down to the end of the corridor, turn left, go through the double doors, then you almost immediately turn right through two more sets of double doors right down the end of the corridor where you catch a bus then you go 14 stops, then you need to get an aeroplane, change once at Singapore – I'm actually in a bit of a hurry.
– Yes, sorry.
Down the end of the corridor, to the left, through the double doors, turn right, through two more double doors – that's where you need to catch the bus! Sorry, no, only joking.
No, you dig a tunnel and There's a door on your right.
You can't miss it.
It says, ''Lord Astrogoth's Dungeon''.
– No, it doesn't.
– No, it doesn't.
It says, ''Print Room''.
You go in there Watch out for the mantraps! That's where the photocopier is.
– No, it is.
– Oh, right.
Sorry.
– Very nice.
That wasn't too difficult, was it? – No.
(QUIETLY) It's out of order, though.
Oh, the bells, the bells! Esmeralda! Coming soon to the BBC – a brand new drama series featuring John Actor as Monkfish, a tough, uncompromising undercover cop in ''Monkfish, Undercover Cop''.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (CYMBALS CLATTER) (CYMBALS CLATTER) You, put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea! (CYMBALS CLATTER) I was gonna run that London marathon this year, I was.
Then I realised I couldn't be bothered.
Too much like bloody exercise, innit? – (MAN) It's a lovely green, isn't it? – It's lovely.
So lush.
– Just bursting with life.
– Yes.
The funny thing with colour is I just need to mix in a little bit of purple to set the green off.
As a sort of visual echo to the purple in the heather.
Yes, that's right, that's right.
I must not get too carried away with the green.
Remember to leave some room for that road and that little house over there.
I love the dark V that hill's making on the horizon.
Yes.
It's very dark, isn't it? It'salmost black.
– Johnny – Yes, I shall need to get the black out.
– Johnny.
– Yes, black! Black, black like the clouds of death that follow me into the forest of doom, to hide in the wardrobe of darkness! Black! Black! Black! Black! Black! Listen! Listen! Do you hear? The moon is weeping in a secret room! They tap at my window with tiny poles! I think we'd better be going home now, Johnny.
Oh, oh, the monks are troubled and full of woe! I'm a fly trapped in a bottle of shadows! Zzzz! Me? The 13th Duke of Wybourne, here, in a sixth–form girls' dormitory, at three o'clock in the morning, with my reputation? What were they thinking of? (COOLJAZZ) Hello, and welcome to ''Jazz Club''.
Ni–iche! Tonight, a jazz neophyte – classical violinist Justin Palmer.
Justin is a lifelong devotee of jazz and it's been his dream to break free from the restrictions and constraints of classical music, daddy–o, and fly as free as a bird in the sphere of jazz.
Wonderful! He's gathered together some of the greats of contemporary jazz and his wife, the irritating Chloe Payne.
He's called the combo Justin Palmer's Meltin' Pot.
I'm sure you'll recognise Pip McCall, Bony Gudgeon, Doodles Bronson! Shmokin'! Unfortunately, the legendary Horn Finger who was to be playing tonight is riddled with syphilis and self–doubt.
So Clean–Air Kennedy has stepped in at the last moment to fill the Horn's stool.
Grrreat! So, Justin, classical deserter and self–proclaimed heroin addict, you've come to jazz, now play it! (UPBEAT MODERN JAZZ) (PING!) (PING!) (CLASSICAL MUSIC) (PING, PING, PING!) (CLASSICAL MUSIC) Well played! As Michaelmas term wore on, we would all eagerly await apple dunking, which took place here in big school hall.
Ha ha ha! Boys would hang over the barrel and attempt to capture a bite of sweet apple using only their nimble lips and teeth.
The headmaster would patrol the perimeter of the barrel, vigilant to misdemeanours.
Woe betide any young gentleman who attempted to use his hands, for he would receive a stinging reprimand on the seat of his pants from the headmaster's ever twitching cane.
Stop throwing sprouts! The atlases are all down this way.
I suppose you really just want London, don't you? Yeah, just a history.
How London's changed.
Yeah, I know the sort of thing you mean.
Ooh! I'm sorry, I've just come.
Umhave you seen? (DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER) It's sort of a social history.
A lot of maps in it.
– Yeah, I've seen it.
– I know what we do have.
It's a history of Ooh! Oh, sorry, I've just come again.
It's a history of London Ohno, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to sit down, I think.
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along the mountain track And as I go I love to sing, my knapsack on my back Val–deri, val–dera Val–deri, val–dera–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha! Val–deri, val–dera – How would you like to pay? – Credit card OK? Well, a word of advice.
Aren't you just relying on the never–never? Can you actually afford an exclusive scent such as this? I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring, which, at your age, means you're divorced or a lesbian.
You might like to ask yourself if, in fact, scent isn't just a complete waste of time.
No offence.
(THUNDER) (MELODRAMATIC MUSIC) Lucky Boy in the 2.
30 at Chepstow.
Put your shirt on it.
Monster, monster! – Him and Seaman are our best players.
– You reckon? I'm not convinced, mate.
Dave, what do you think? Shearer, good or bad? Totally overrated! He's your classic English centre forward.
He runs up and down all day.
– Building a team round him's madness.
– Yeah.
– He's strong, though.
– Yeah.
– No one can shake him off the ball.
– Not enough.
No.
What position will he play? He's not just a goal hanger.
– He puts in plenty of crosses for other people.
– True, yeah.
– He can cross the ball.
– With both feet.
– That's not enough.
– No.
– Good pace.
– Yeah.
Yeah, but pace, strength and intelligence are not enough in the modern game.
– No, you're right.
– You've seen him score from six yards.
Then 30 yards out, he'll bang one in the net.
Plus he is England's first choice as captain.
– Yeah, he's brilliant.
– Yeah, he is brilliant.
– He could fit in any team in the world.
– Genius.
Mind you, he does look a tit in the new ''Match Of The Day'' titles.
This season I'll be mostly wearing Issey Miyake! Hello, there.
Tommy Cockles here.
We're now going to see an episode of Arthur Atkinson's unpopular sitcom ''Blame Arthur'' It was filmed at the BBC in the '50s, live in front of a live audience.
In those days, you had to know your lines or the whole trifle fell off the table.
Frequently Arthur forgot his, but you couldn't tell, as he was often talking rubbish anyway.
Watch out for the kitchen table.
It later appeared in ''The Onedin Line'' and ''When The Boat Comes In''.
– (BELL RINGS) – Oooh! – All right, Arthur? Where's your glasses? – I don't need glasses! (LAUGHTER) – Oh.
Oh, look, Chester, you've spilt the tea! – No, you spilt it, Arthur.
Put your glasses on! Ho–ho, that's right, blame Arthur! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) – Well, I see the price of coal is falling.
– You've got it upside down.
Put your glasses on.
Ooh, I see the price of coal is rising! 'Ere, Arthur, you're done up like a dog's dinner.
You're after marrying that rich widow and getting your feet under t'table.
Really, Chester, how dare you impart such base motives.
She is merely afriend.
(DOORBELL) – (DEEP VOICE) Ooh, Arthur! – Ooh, Mavis, you're looking better than ever! – I'm over here, Arthur.
– Put your glasses on! – I don't need glasses.
– Ooh, Arthur.
Ooh, Chester, it's the dustman.
Pay the big, hairy brute, will you? Ooh, Arthur.
Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! – Right, that's yer lot, isn't it? – Arthur, we've got another scene to do.
There's no lines in it for me, so I'm off.
Write my words on the board for tomorrow.
Hiya, love.
Oh, big box of powder.
Have you seen him who does that doorstep challenge? Shite, him.
It gets on my tits.
Family bag of crisps.
Who has the beef ones in your house? No one! Taters.
I bet you're tied to that chip pan, you.
Chocolate cake.
You could do without a bit of this, love.
You're a bit of a big bride, aren't yer? That's £6.
18, please.
– Hello, dear.
How's it going? – Oh, getting there.
Now, did you get the things we need for tonight? The tonic water, the wine and the lemons.
Even better than that.
I got a bread bin based on a 40–year–old design, a toilet–roll holder with a picture of Margaret Thatcher on it and some squid ink.
Excuse me.
Yes, sir? It's just that the, um, the seats are rather low.
Butthe other customers.
– It's fine.
– OK, thanks very much.
(RAMBLES DRUNKENLY) .
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many years ago, I was in Shanghai.
Shanghai! .
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stamp out piracy! .
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I was quite flummoxed by an outrageous cat.
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he was a Chinese warlord by the name of .
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I'm a very considerate lover.
.
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is that there's a permanent tap to the gallbladder of these bears .
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it was swollen to twice its usual size and frightened the nurse.
Ha ha ha–ha! .
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and the surgeon, sandy hair, obviously homosexual .
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but I liked him.
.
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they took it off below the knee.
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shock.
Ohhh! Jabbering on and on (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) Made no difference to me.
I'm afraid I was very drunk! I'm really looking forward to the second half! Yes.
Looking a bit grim there for us for a moment, but that equaliser, that really sorted us out.
With that boost in the second half, we've got a good chance of hammering them! What a goal! No one there, and just nodded it in! – It was disallowed.
– Sorry? It was disallowed.
He was offside.
– They can't do that! – They did.
– So we're losing, then? – Yep.
Well, things to do.
Nice to have met you.
Umsoccer! And kiss thy fair large ears, my gentle joy.
– Where's Peaseblossom? – Ready.
Scratch my head, Peaseblossom.
Where's Monsieur Cobweb? – Ready.
– Monsieur Cobweb, good monsieur, – get your weapons in your hand, and kill me – (MAN) Boo! Sssss! Boo! – Good monsieur – (MAN) Get off! – Do not fret yourself too much in this action – Boo! Ssssss! Rubbish! Get off! – Darling, that's your son! – That's no excuse.
He's rubbish.
Wooden.
– His understanding of verse is pedestrian.
– Well, I was enjoying it.
You'll enjoy anything, the hours you spend goggling at soup operas.
Get off! – Shhh! – My King Lear at school was a triumph! Left the headmaster in tears.
My Bottom caused the drama teacher to faint.
As for my Sally Bowles in ''Cabaret'', they still talk about it to this day! Get off! You're rubbish! – I would be loath to have you overflown – Boo! .
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with a honey bag, signior.
– Where's Monsieur Mustardseed? – Ready.
Come on, Toby, this is no good.
Let me show you how to do it.
You must unlock the space between the player and the audience, occupy it, then paint your picture there.
Here, let me show you.
Give me your neaf, Monsieur Mustardseed.
Pray you, leave your curtsy, good monsieur! ''What's your will?'' I've given you the line! ''What's your will?'' – What's your will? – Nothing, good monsieur, but to help Cavalery Cobweb to scratch.
I must to the barber's, monsieur; for methinks I am marvellously hairy about the face; and such a tender ass! Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout, till you have drenched our steeples; drowned thy cocks! (OUT OF TUNE) # What use is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play Life is a cabaret, old chum Come to the cabaret! (WEARILY) # And as I go, I love to sing My knapsack on my back Val–deri, val–dera Val–deri, val–dera–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha! Val–deri, val–dera My knapsack on my back! I love to go a–wandering Along the mountain track All right, mate? I saw you fight at the civic hall.
You done very well.
Have that on the house.
Hey, you a boxer, then, are yer, eh? Eh? In the old fight game, are yer? Tell you what, that's the hardest game in the world, innit? Oh, yeah, I used to be in it myself, you know.
Yeah.
I was a boxer 30 years, man and boy.
Hardest game in the world.
I come out of Bethnal Green, I do.
I know Charlie Magri, all them boys, yeah.
400 professional fights I had.
I lost every single one.
Both me retinas detached.
What really put the kibosh on it, though, was a bad back injury I got when I fell off a bus.
I had two barbel out on Saturday, one on Spam and the other on double caster over a bed of hemp.
After that, it was all eels! Although Stan did have a nice pike on.
He lost it, though.
Went through the six–pound line like cotton.
Do you like the music of Elvis Presley? Only I prefer Frank Sinatra myself.
Tell you what, if Ronnie and Reggie was around, there'd be a lot less trouble.
Anyway, be lucky.
And Louise and I met at university and it really was ''love at first sight''.
We couldn't wait to get married, and then the children just sort of happened.
We've been really lucky.
I mean, we're still friends and lovers, even after 15 years.
And last Tuesday, Louise had her first orgasm .
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which was nice.
Aye, you're not wrong, Mike.
I were on t'bins about 15 year and the money's nowt.
Aye, it's shite.
'Ey–up.
How much? – Tennerfort' straight sex, twenty for t'French.
– Get in.
– See you later, Mike.
– Mind how you go, Stan.
Tell you what, I got three birds on the go at the moment.
Bloody knackered, I am! Anyone want a Toffee Crisp? #By a moonlight shadow #He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow #Lost in a riddle that Saturday # (TV) .
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if the developers have their way Hello, babe.
What you watchin'? It's a documentary about a hill tribe in Papua New Guinea.
The Indians' lifestyle is threatened by developers and they're bulldozing down their homes.
Yeah? Who's in it? What do you mean, who's in it? It's real life.
It's a documentary.
Don't they like houses and towns? There aren't any towns in the jungle, you doughnut! They live in the forest canopy! Their lifestyle has remained unaltered for thousands of years and now it's being ruined.
What about Rashid down the cash and carry? He's an Indian.
He's got an 'ouse – nice 'ouse.
– For crying out loud.
– Want a nice sandwich, babe? – No, I don't.
I'm upset! – Why, babe? Because of the programme, sweetheart.
It's very upsetting.
There's only so many hill tribes left.
What about a nice bit of pork pie? Yeah, go on, then.
Give us half a tomato with some salt on, please.
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reverence praise Once a year, after Founders' Ball, the captains of rugger, soccer, cricket, hockey, rowing and bridge would assemble all the boys of lower school on the clanks and burn their teddy bears! Apparently, Alex Ferguson has introduced a nookie ban, Ron.
Ho ho ho! – I shouldn't think they needed to in your day.
– Ho ho, no! It hadn't been invented when we were playing, had it, Tommy? Isn't it? No, no, I think George Best discovered it, wasn't it? Didn't he? No, all we were interested in in those days was a pint of best with a creamy head and a pouch of ready–rubbed.
We were always very focused before a game, weren't we, mm? – So no slap and tickle? – Nope.
– Or hanky panky.
– No woopsy–daisy either.
Oh, no, you didn't want that sort of thing on the brain before a game.
We were always focused.
There were four key attributes – concentration, understanding of the game, nous and tenacity.
A lot to remember for today's footballers.
They're not blessed with over–intelligence.
– You'd hardly call them Mensa candidates.
– Mensa, they're not.
Isn't it? Aren't they? No.
No, there's a simple mnemonic.
It's Concentration, Understanding, Nous and Tenacity.
C–U–N – Tenacity, Ron.
– NoerEnjoyment.
E.
C–U–N–E.
Cune.
That's easy to remember.
Ron, I always had you down for a Tenacity, Integrity and Tenacity again man.
I always thought you were more of a Application, Resourcefulness, Strength and Enjoyment man.
Wait a minute.
I like you, but that's the lingo of the snooker hall! Ron, Ron, not on TV.
Come on, let's do a Mexican wave.
Follow me.
Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork, breathe softly and gently on it.
and give every inch of it your loving attention, and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
All we ever do is wash the bloody cars, Toni! – What is it that women want, Paul? – I dunno.
Babies, probably.
– You're a Neanderthal, Paul.
– What's that? A caveman living in prehistoric times.
Let me tell you what the sophisticated, liberated, '90s ladies like.
They like fine wines, Belgian chocolates, ''Hello'' magazine, and the smell of a pipe.
– Right, I'll remember that.
– Did I tell you about the time I was on St Lucia? Met a girl on the beach.
She was young and dark and fruity.
She had on the tiniest, I mean the tiniest bikini that I have ever seen.
And when I took her up to my room, she took it off.
She had the most extraordinary – Pissi! – Oh, Pissi! Oh, Pissi! (GIGGLES) (ALL) Oooh, Pissi! # Pissi, Pissi Bir! # – Pissi Bir! – # Pissi, Pissi Bir! # – Pissi Bir! – # Bir el es ceci, Pissi Birfor me! Bir el es ceci for me, get really Pissi Oooh, Pissi, oooh, Pissi! – Tanpié para ton nuevo cheramechioné! – Put a lime in the top! (MAN AT BACK SINGS JOYOUSLY) # And as I go I love to sing My knapsack on my back! Val–deri, ha ha ha ha–ha! Val–dera, ha ha ha ha–ha! Val–deri, ha ha ha ha–ha! Val–dera–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha–ha! Val–deri, ha ha ha ha–ha! Val–dera! My knap Course, it wasn't always like that.
I–I used to support Manchester United.
But then you had to support them where I came from inHampstead.
Then I used to like Blackburn Rovers.
I'm thinking of giving Newcastle Athletic a try.
But no, no, I'm a true blue Gunner Gooner.
Bang! Ohh, goal! Did you see that?! What a good goal! What a good goal, wasn't it? I mean, it was the other side, but what a goal! Good goal, sir! Would you like a Pringle?