The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s01e04 Episode Script

Not with My Pig, You Don't

Shall I continue to delay dinner, madam? Yes, Geoffrey.
I don't know where he is.
He's never late without calling.
- Do you think Daddy's all right? - It's awfully late, Mom.
Okay, let's not jump to any conclusions.
We're all worried, but let's Bill Cosby has a streetwise niece coming on his show.
That should be decent.
- I'm home.
- Daddy.
- Philip, where have you been? - I was at the office.
I'm sorry I didn't call, but I wanted to rush home with the great news.
What is the highest recognition a self-made Black professional can receive? A raise! No, darling, it's not a raise.
I'm getting the Urban Spirit Award.
- Philip, we're so proud of you.
- Is it a cash award? Hilary, don't be so shortsighted.
This award is an honor which leads to prestige which leads to cash.
The community leaders are recognizing me for helping our brothers and sisters on the streets.
The only time you're on the streets is when you're waiting for the valet to bring your car around.
Is that so, son? Let me tell you something.
The '63 March on Washington? I was there.
The '65 demonstrations at Selma, I was there.
The '65 Watts Riots, I was there, too.
Seems to me every place you go, trouble follows.
Your uncle deserves this award.
He's fought a lot of discrimination cases.
He's prosecuted slumlords.
He's started scholarship funds.
All that and he still found time to vote for Reagan.
Twice.
Thank you, sweetheart.
It wouldn't be bad if you could remember some of that when the reporter gets here.
- Reporter? - Photographer? New dress.
All right, you can have a new dress.
I want you all to look your best for the newspaper interview and the awards banquet.
Daddy, this is wonderful.
Two new dresses.
Have you called your parents? You bet.
They're taking the next plane out.
Great.
Grandma and Grandpa are coming to visit.
Toys.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
Come on, Ash.
Rock this funky joint, baby.
Come on, Ash.
Less like George Michael, more like Hammer.
Come on.
That's it.
Baby, you got to put some more butt into it.
That's it.
Yeah.
Excuse me, but Grandma and Grandpa are here.
I just saw the cab pull up the driveway.
- Grandpa.
- Sweet potato.
- Grandma.
- Ashley, sweetie.
My, how you've grown.
Hilary, sweetie.
My, how you've grown.
Carlton, sweetie.
Hi.
Grandma, Grandpa, this is my cousin Will.
Hi, Will.
Your uncle told us all about you.
I don't know, Hattie.
He don't look like the devil incarnate.
Thanks.
So, how was the flight from Baltimore? - Baltimore? - That's where Uncle Phil's from, right? He moved there when he was 16, but he was born and raised in Yamacraw.
- Yamacraw? - North Carolina.
I can't believe Zeke never mentioned his hometown.
Zeke? Mama.
Pop.
Hey, Uncle Zeke.
- Give your old man a hug.
- Okay, Pop.
Am I tripping, or does this remind you of the last episode of Family Ties? Daddy, didn't I send you money for a new suit? You're looking at it.
When you sent that money me and my buddy Leroy went down to the dry goods store and we each got a suit, a fishing rod, and some radial tires.
Well, I guess I better get to fixing supper.
Geoffrey.
This is what I'll be needing.
"One pound of lard "four handfuls poke greens "and a big old slab of fatback.
" Now, if it comes to more than $1, they're cheating you.
We are going to have pork chops, collard greens baked macaroni, and sweet potato pie.
Have mercy! Grandma, Grandpa, you want to go see our swimming pool? That's a good idea.
Growing up, my Zeke always did love our swimming hole.
He would strip down to his birthday suit and dive right in.
Granny, please.
It's almost dinnertime.
He just loved his skinny-dipping, him and Melvin.
Melvin.
I don't think we want to hear anything Au contraire, Dad.
The Melvin stories are priceless.
- So, Melvin was like his best friend? - Melvin was his pig.
I have plenty stories about my Zeke.
- Are any of them humiliating stories? - The best ones are.
Let's start with those.
It's 3:00 in the morning, Will.
- How did you see me? - Mama knows.
Look, Granny, please don't tell Uncle Phil.
I'm just a little bit past my curfew.
How much is a little? Let's just say I went out after I was supposed to be in.
- Don't do it again.
- All right.
What are you doing up so late? Child, I had to get up and get breakfast started.
I don't know what you all got that Geoffrey for.
- Five-card draw? - Yeah, I'm with it.
Granny, I really like you.
You and Grandpa, you have fun.
You tell jokes.
- You all bust me up.
- Thank you, son.
Hey, look, Granny, it's late, everybody's asleep.
You can level with me.
Uncle Phil's adopted, right? Now, we're real proud of Zeke.
Did you know he won the Young Farmers of America Pig Raising trophy? No, I didn't know that, but I'd love to have some details about that.
Won it four years running.
They had to retire his slop bucket.
Slop bucket? I can't wait till he wakes up.
Respect your elders, son.
See, I beat you.
You know, he was the first Black president of the Young Farmers.
- Was that like a big thing? - Oh, my, yes! I beat you again.
You know, then, we also had those White rest rooms? Yeah.
I remember this one time we was downtown and Zeke had had too much lemonade and suddenly he just lit out from me and split right into that White rest room.
They told him to leave, but little Zeke just stood his ground.
Uncle Phil did that? Look here, I beat you again.
All right, that reporter's going to be here any minute.
Does everybody remember what they're supposed to say? - Hilary? - Yes, Daddy.
- Ashley? - Yes, Daddy.
Vivian? What is this, the von Trapp family? I'm not about to parrot compliments for the benefit of some reporter.
Let's not be naive, Vivian.
I've dealt with the press before.
If you don't rehearse what you're going to say, they eat you alive.
Carlton? At the forefront of the civil rights movement.
You were asleep, son.
Sorry, Dad.
All of Grandma's pies last night and waffles this morning.
I just crashed.
I've got the sugar blues.
I'm this close to a crying jag.
Ms.
Melissa Klein, sir.
LA Press, "Urban Beat.
" I'd like you to meet my family.
My wife Vivian my son Carlton, my daughters Hilary and Ashley.
Pleased to meet you.
So where's the photographer? - Your father sent a picture in already.
- Am I in it? - Yes, you are.
- Am I pretty? Let's begin the interview, shall we? Mr.
Banks, you're best known as the lawyer who won the landmark housing discrimination case Winston vs.
Jones but our readers want to know about Philip Banks the man.
Well, I really don't like to blow my own horn.
Growing up on the mean streets of Baltimore, Maryland Philip Banks overcame great obstacles to win a scholarship to Princeton University in 1963.
You know, Hilary, Princeton was the turning point in Philip Banks' life.
It was then that he developed an interest in law and distinguished himself as a fine student earning himself a place at Harvard Law School.
That's right, Carlton.
But did you know that Philip Banks, in addition to becoming a partner of the prestigious law firm of Furth, Wynn, and Meyer remained active in the field of civil rights culminating in his crowning achievement in 1975 when he was elected to the board of the ASPCA.
ASPCA? I think Ashley means NAACP.
Sorry, Daddy.
After living in Bel-Air, it was great to spend time at Disneyland to get back to reality.
Joe, it's 7:30.
We're getting to be a couple of night owls.
Yes, ma'am.
We better go put ourselves to bed.
Honey, I'm with you.
Good night, honey.
Feature desk, please.
Jake? Melissa.
Look, I'm having second thoughts about this Philip Banks piece.
It's just one long, boring résumé.
For a while there, I thought I had an angle about the ASPCA but that turned out to be a blind alley.
I'm telling you, this man's life is boring.
His own son kept nodding out.
We better kill the story.
Okay.
Bye.
Hold up, lady.
My uncle has been looking forward to this all week.
If you kill that story, he's gonna get mad.
If he gets mad, the heat comes down on me.
Look, kid.
You got to wake up and smell the java.
Your uncle's dull.
Dull! Dull? Sweetheart, that's one thing my uncle is not.
Max out, lady.
I got a couple of stories for you.
Oh, dear.
- Good, Geoffrey.
You got the paper.
- Yes, madam.
Make sure you buy the 100 copies that Mr.
Banks wanted.
Before we make such an investment, perhaps it might be wise for you to peruse the contents of this article.
Oh, dear.
Geoffrey, how on earth did they get a hold of all these stories? Madam, the press is made up of a very low type of person.
You see what they've done to Fergie.
- Vivian, is it in the morning paper? - Yeah.
Good.
You got the paper.
Why don't you have your morning coffee first, sir? That's perfect.
I'll have my coffee, and you can read it to me, Geoffrey.
Yes, sir.
"Local lawyer wins prestigious award.
" It goes on from there.
- Goes on to what? - Just details, really.
- I'll just recycle this.
- Give it to me.
"The coveted Urban Spirit Award "given to Los Angeles' outstanding Black leaders "will be presented tonight to distinguished attorney Philip Banks.
" This is well-written.
"Known to his barnyard companions as Zeke "Banks is no stranger to accolades.
"This ex-hog-handler "slopped his way to the top with the help of his trusted companion "Melvin the pig.
" Who is responsible for this? Hey, Uncle Zeke.
I got your 100 black and whites.
I can't believe this.
How did they get all these stories about the pig? All right, I wasn't going to tell you, but - You! - Will, honey run.
- What did I do? - What did you do? - You destroyed my image.
- I didn't destroy nothing.
Of course you did.
Look at that story.
I have to walk into that banquet room tonight filled with people who'll think I'm nothing but a hog-handling hick from Yamacraw.
- But that is where you come from, Zeke.
- Mama.
- I was just having a few words with Will.
- And I'm having a few words with you.
What have you got to be ashamed of? We always put food on the table and clothes on your back.
Mama, I'm not ashamed.
There are just certain aspects of my life I don't wish emphasized.
Where I come from they call that being ashamed Mr.
Big Shot! Mother, you look very nice in your dress tonight.
- Did you enjoy the limousine ride, Pop? - You bet.
I went Hattie, aren't you going to talk at all? Come on.
We're mature adults.
Refusing to speak won't solve anything.
- That's right, Uncle Phil.
- I'm not talking to you.
Philip, Vivian, congratulations.
Yes, we're all quite proud of you at the office, old man.
Thank you.
I'd like you to meet my parents.
Hattie and Joe Banks, Henry and Margaret Furth.
Ma'am, would you like the salmon or chateaubriand? We don't want to be a bother.
We'll just hang on to these empty plates.
Thank you kindly.
Are you sure you don't want any of the food? We don't want to impose.
We'll just fade into the background.
- Breast or wing? - I think I'll have a wing, thank you.
Got any okra casserole? - Coming up.
- Granny.
You know how much Uncle Phil likes his mama's okra casserole.
- Why don't you ask him if he wants some? - It ain't going to work, Will.
What is this interesting mélange? It smells divine.
Just plain old okra and tomato, honey.
Delicious.
Try that, Henry.
Outstanding.
Do we have any biscuits? I hope they're still hot.
Can I say something please? I just know that at a time like this my uncle Phil is extremely happy to have his two loving parents here with him.
I can feel the love at this table.
Parents? To hear him tell it, he just sprung full-grown from the ground and we had nothing to do with it.
Yes, he just sprung up like a big old eggplant.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me, sir.
Aren't you Philip Banks? - Yes.
You're the hog-slopping lawyer.
I saw your picture in the paper this morning.
Is Melvin going to be here tonight? No, Melvin eschews these type of events.
I'm the same way.
What are you doing in here, Uncle Phil? Is this for your own information, or will this be in USA Today? Come on, I'm sorry I made you mad.
The reporter was gonna trash the article until I gave her those pig stories.
Yes.
Everyone loves those amusing little agricultural anecdotes.
I guess it never occurred to you that they'd make me look like a fool.
Uncle Phil, your plaid golf shorts make you look like a fool.
Those stories make you look great.
You did a lot for Black people that I didn't even know.
I raised a pig for the Young Farmers Association.
Puts me right up there with Martin Luther King.
You were the first Black president.
That's something.
And what about the Whites only rest room? In case my mother didn't make it painfully clear I wasn't trying to prove a point.
- I went in there because I really had to go.
- I see a whole lot of that.
I mean, look, Uncle Phil, it's just like Rosa Parks.
When she sat in the front of the bus, she wasn't doing it to prove a point either.
She did it 'cause her feet hurt.
They told her to leave, and she didn't.
Neither did you.
I must be kidding myself.
I had it all planned out.
There was my family, all lined up to meet the press.
There I was, with my perfect image.
Philip Banks pulled himself up from the streets with his own bootstraps.
The only problem was, I didn't have it that hard.
I had two parents who loved me and were always there for me and worked hard to make sure I'd have everything they never had.
I mean, why are you worried so much about your image? The truth sounds real good to me.
I don't think my mother will ever forgive me.
Man, you must be tripping.
Granny's great.
Just explain it to her.
Will, there's something you have to learn.
Sometimes parents just don't understand.
In addition to the civil rights cases he has won as an attorney Philip Banks is a community leader, an unsparing philanthropist and a role model to all citizens.
Ladies and gentlemen, Philip Banks.
Thank you.
I grew up on the streets of Baltimore.
But I was born on a farm in Yamacraw, North Carolina.
I was one of the lucky ones.
I had two wonderful parents who worked hard every day of their lives.
They couldn't give me a lot of material things but they gave me morals, courage and most important of all, love.
I just hope I can give the next generation what my parents gave me.
I hope he mentions his pig.

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