The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s01e16 Episode Script

He: Helium.
Li: Lithium.
Na: Sodium.
Zn: Zinc.
Uncle Phil, please.
Do you mind turning the music back on? I'm trying to study.
I'm expecting a very important client.
We have a golfing date and I'd appreciate it if you could study somewhere else.
Okay, I get it.
You're trying to impress him.
That's right.
You might want to change them pants.
- Good morning, sweetie.
- Hey, Aunt Viv.
- What time is Jameson getting here? - What are you wearing, Vivian? Excuse me? That red blouse.
That's Jameson's bad-luck color.
This happens to be my favorite blouse so he can just go find himself another bad-luck color.
Maybe he can pick one out of Uncle Phil's pants.
Vivian, please change.
I know he's a little superstitious but his big account helps to pay our little bills.
All set for a great game of golf, Dad.
Carlton, what is it, recess at the clown convention? That's right.
And by the way, Will, who cut your hair, Ray Charles? I've been saving that one for a week.
Don't even try to top it.
That must be Jameson.
Vivian, humor him.
- Mr.
Jameson Whitworth.
- Jameson, how are you? Fine.
Vivian, it's lovely to see you again.
And it's nice seeing you, Jameson.
- How are you, Mr.
Whitworth? - Not great.
My caddy called me on the car phone a few minutes ago and canceled.
I've learned my lesson: Never trust a Leo.
Ain't that the truth? Back in Philly I knew this guy named Leo Brentley.
The dude tried to steal my lucky drawers.
- You have a pair of lucky drawers? - Well, yeah.
- So do I.
- This is all very interesting.
Carlton, you can caddy for both of us.
Shall we go, gentlemen? Wait a second.
I have a very good feeling about this.
How would you like to be my caddy? I ain't down with carrying golf clubs.
It's $50, plus tip.
Fore! This is the worst round of golf I've ever played.
Well, the green's a little wet today.
- That's what's wrong.
- What? A hole in one! I made a hole in one.
The first time in my life.
- Some shot, Mr.
Whitworth.
- Congratulations, Jameson.
Did you see that, Will? It's because your hat's turned to the side, you can see better.
No.
There's more to it than that.
There is? Jameson, let me buy lunch.
- A hole in one calls for a celebration.
- I'll say.
I have to make it quick.
I have to get back to the office.
I'm making a major investment in Thorton Pharmaceuticals.
- Maybe I'll get lucky again, Will.
- That's wack.
"Wack.
" In what sense of the word? It's Saturday afternoon.
All you're thinking about is work.
That's got to be hurting you with the girlies.
Will, please.
Forget about the office, forget about that stock.
Just max and relax.
Kick back and enjoy yourself.
Go home and let your wife know she's still got it.
You're right.
Doggone it, you're right.
Doggone it, I'm right.
Geoffrey, I really think I made an impression on Mr.
Whitworth.
And was your sucking up as successful as you'd hoped? I'll say.
I'm gonna apply for a summer job with his company.
But, Carlton, Dad's his lawyer.
Isn't that kind of using a connection? I can't believe it, Vivian.
Jameson made a hole in one, and he's not a very good golfer.
- What's his handicap, sir? - Ain't it obvious? Everybody, the working girl is home.
- How was your day? - I love working in an art gallery.
I'm learning so much.
I just told my boss, "Teach me.
I'm a blank slate.
" At least you're honest.
- What exactly do you do in this job? - This is a very exclusive art gallery.
So, they're trying to maintain a certain atmosphere.
So, when customers come in the door, I ignore them.
If they ask me about a piece of art, I look right through them.
If they ask for a price, I go like this And walk away.
Hilary, it sounds like they hired you to be a snob.
I guess they saw something in me.
- Mr.
Whitworth.
- Hello.
- Jameson, this is a surprise.
- Actually, Philip, I'm not here to see you.
- I told you I impressed him, Ashley.
- I'm here to see Will.
No, sir, my name is Carlton.
I know that.
I'd like to see Will.
I'll get him.
Vivian, I brought this for you.
- What is it? - It's a sprig of wolfsbane.
Hang it over your kitchen door and all will be well.
But Jameson, everything's fine in our kitchen.
That you know of.
What's up, J? I'll tell you what.
You saved me a lot of money.
Word? On the golf course, you told me not to buy Thorton Pharmaceuticals.
The stock dropped 10 points today.
Jameson, I think you're reading a little too much into this.
I don't know nothing about stocks.
It was just luck.
Precisely.
You're a good-luck charm.
I would've lost millions, but thanks to my "Yo, homey" here I didn't.
So what you're saying is thanks to me, you got lucky twice yesterday.
Three times.
The wife girlie will be smiling for months.
You have a bright future, young man.
This is no fair.
There are many forces at work in the universe, Will.
For example, the power in numbers.
The four arms of the Mutable Cross, Virgo.
When the moon is in the seventh house.
The sixth-ray energies, Saturn to Neptune the seventh sun, born for good luck all numbers.
Yeah.
Jameson, why don't I fix you a drink? I don't drink.
I like to keep my mind clear.
I think he's cleared it out pretty well.
My lucky numbers have always been three and seven.
- Will, when's your birthday? - July 3.
- What year? - 1973.
So you were born on 7-3-73 my lucky numbers.
Jameson, that's just a coincidence.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
- I was born August 4, 1974.
- A Leo? Will, I have an assignment for you.
I want you to go through these files.
They're about a company called Innermark.
I've been analyzing the data for months trying to decide whether or not I should buy it.
You want me to read all this? That's not necessary.
Just feel the pages.
Tell me what kind of energy you get back.
Jameson, I have to say this all sounds a little Insane? unorthodox.
You have an excellent brokerage firm to advise you.
J, straight up, I don't know nothing about this stuff.
Will, you don't know that you know but believe me, you know.
Man, I don't know.
Exactly.
We'll talk tomorrow.
Philip, Vivian, have a nice day.
Why is that man running loose on the streets without medication? He's a little eccentric, Vivian, but he has a brilliant financial mind.
He does? Philip, why don't you tell Will about Sparky? I don't think we need to go into that.
Last year Jameson was taking all of his stock advice from his dog.
That's untrue, Vivian.
He only took tax advice from Sparky.
Then, last spring Sparky met with an untimely run-in with a milk truck but of course, that didn't stop Jameson from talking to him.
He talks to the spirit of a dead dog? No.
He had him stuffed and put in his office.
Uncle Phil, why do you humor this guy? The planet he's on ain't even been discovered yet.
He's an important client and he's just entrusted you with a very serious financial decision.
- This has got to be handled delicately.
- What am I supposed to do? Tomorrow, you to go down to Whitworth's Capital Investments find Jameson Whitworth and tell him that you're a 17-year-old kid and you're in no position to give financial advice.
Exactly.
That's Sparky's job.
Your main man is in effect, Mr.
Whitworth.
Thank you, Gladys.
Will, come in.
What's going on, J? You know, I just wanted to come so Is something wrong, Will? No.
Look, I'm a little pressed for time, so let's just get right to the point.
Excellent.
All right, Will, Innermark Industries.
Do we buy this stock or not? Look, that's what I came to talk to you about.
I don't think I'm in any position to give you financial advice.
I'm only 17.
Did you say 17? This is a sign.
Will, look at this.
This machine gives me stock quotes.
What price has Innermark been trading at all day? Seventeen.
You've done it again, Will.
I'm calling my broker.
Wait, I really don't think you should Miles? Buy me one million shares of Innermark Industries.
Right.
Done.
You bought a million shares of stock because I told you I was 17? That's right.
This is just one big coincidence.
Besides, I'm about to turn 18.
- Did you say 18? - No.
Yes, you did.
Look at this, Will.
The stock just went up to $18.
You just made me $1 million.
That doesn't mean anything, Mr.
Whitworth.
I can understand you being frightened by your powers.
But there are forces at work in the universe beyond our understanding.
Don't fight them, Will.
Learn to accept them and there will always be a place for you here.
You know, Will's been gone for hours.
I wonder how his meeting with Mr.
Whitworth is going.
Nothing to worry about, Ashley.
Traffic from Mars is very heavy this time of day.
I'm home.
Carlton, get the camera.
I want a picture of me opening my first paycheck.
- Congratulations, baby.
- That's wonderful.
I'm so excited.
Mom, Dad, I'll start paying my own way around here and I won't accept no for an answer.
You still owe me $5 for those magazines you bought.
Ashley, don't be petty.
- All set.
- Here goes.
Don't you all feel like a part of history? What? Federal taxes? This is an outrage.
Didn't President Bush say, "No new taxes"? But federal taxes aren't new.
They are to me.
And who is this FICA guy? Hilary, taxes are taken out of everybody's salary.
They pay for highways, national defense, and housing programs.
I thought the government was supposed to pay for all that.
Okay, I know the solution.
I'm going to demand a raise.
Hilary, you've only been there a week.
Nobody starts at the top.
Yeah.
Lunch on the company yacht? Yeah, that sounds great, Jameson.
Let's say you have the limo pick me up noon-ish.
Yeah, all right.
Peace back at you, babe.
Will, I want you to return all that stuff before the cops get here.
What are you tripping? J gave me this stuff as a little thank-you gift.
- For what? - I made him $1 million.
That may seem like a lot, Will, but wait till they take out all the taxes.
Will, how did you make Jameson $1 million? To be honest, I have no idea.
Jameson seems to think I'm good luck.
Will, there's no such thing as good luck or bad luck.
Yes, there is.
I've got bad luck.
You look handsome, Will.
Nice suit.
You like it, Ash? Custom-made.
Size 42, extra fly.
When you work for Whitworth, you get all the fringe benefits.
Does he need a butler? Just asking.
For a friend.
Will, you don't really think you're capable of giving financial advice, do you? Aunt Viv there are forces at work in this universe that are beyond our understanding.
And if these forces want to give me a limo a cellular phone, and an Armani suit who are we to argue with them? Will, I sent you there to get out of this arrangement with Jameson and now you're in deeper than before.
I know.
I just feel terrible.
Am I showing enough cuff? - What are you doing? - I'm gonna put an end to this.
Yes, Philip Banks for Jameson Whitworth.
Yes, I've been talking to Will here.
First of all, I'd like to say he's very flattered but it's a little risky having a high-school student give financial advice.
As your lawyer, I'd advise you put an end to it.
Sure, you want to talk to him yourself? Okay.
Yo, J.
What up, coolie-bop? Really? Really? Yeah, if that's the way you want it, that's cool.
All right.
Peace.
What did he say? Uncle Phil, you're fired.
So, is Mr.
Whitworth ready to see us yet? He's still in there talking to his homey.
You'll just have to chill.
All right.
We can't afford to lose Whitworth's account.
- We need a game plan.
- I thought we had agreed on groveling.
Yes, but we need to straighten out the order in which we grovel.
I'll go first.
Since my father founded the law firm, I can make an emotional plea.
Philip, you can remind him of all our dedicated service to his company.
- What do I say? - Nothing.
You're only here because his lucky number is three.
Of course.
J, come on, man, you've got to meet with them.
- They're sitting right outside.
- Straight up, pop.
I'm sorry, but the aura is wack.
What did you say, Sparky? He's talking? He hasn't talked in weeks.
You think it's a good idea to have the meeting? Word? What's that? Go ahead with the meeting? Send them in right away.
There you have it.
Sparky says have the meeting.
Well, all right.
It's two against one.
Gladys, send them in, please.
- Jameson, good to see you.
- Have a seat.
- Will, excuse us, please.
- Sure.
He stays.
I want him here.
Sparky wants him here.
Okay.
Jameson, Furth, Wind & Meyer has represented you for the past 20 years.
And I think I speak for all the lawyers in the firm when I say that we're dedicated to continuing in that capacity.
So? Lawyers are a dime a dozen.
There's some truth in that.
You had an interesting point you wanted to make, didn't you? Yes, Henry.
Jameson, to elaborate on what Henry was saying, it Yes? What? This is terrible.
- What's the matter? - That was my broker.
Innermark stock is plummeting.
It's already down 10 points.
My God, it's already down to $6 a share.
It's down to $5, $4, $3 Great.
That's your lucky number.
I just lost a fortune.
Will, you owe me $14 million.
Here's $5.
This is serious.
Don't you know anything? No.
How many times do I have to tell you? Why did you tell me to buy that stock? You're out of your mind.
I'm out of my mind? You're the one that's got Lassie as your vice president.
You're not lucky.
You're unlucky.
You're a curse.
Get out of my office.
- Don't you talk to him like that.
- Excuse me? It's your fault he's involved in this.
This isn't the first time that your craziness has got us in hot water.
Last January, on my birthday when I could have been home with my wife and family, where was I? Stuck in the office buried under paperwork because Sparky chased a Buick and you thought that was his way of telling you to take over General Motors.
Jameson, I am through with your craziness.
If that means we lose a $20 million account, then so be it.
Jameson, I think that's Philip's way of saying "I'm sorry.
" - Why didn't you ever say this before? - I should have.
Absolutely.
I had no idea your birthday was in January.
You're a Capricorn.
My horoscope says a Capricorn will lead me to prosperity.
Philip, you're just the goat I've been looking for.
Gentlemen, welcome back.
The way you stood up for me, Uncle Phil, you were all that.
- I didn't like the way he was treating you.
- So what happened next? Uncle Phil told him he could take his big account fold it five ways and stick it where Sparky can't find it.
- Wow, Dad, that took guts.
- Well done, sir.
You know, I've always wished I had the nerve to tell off my employers.
Daddy, you've been a wonderful example for me.
How much abuse can one person take for the sake of a job? There are lots of things about my boss that bug me.
And I've been putting up with him for a whole week.
It's time to take action.
Hilary, I don't want you to go screaming at your boss.
Can you? Philip, I am really proud of you.
Life is too short to put up with the Jameson Whitworths of the world.
Straight up, Uncle Phil.
I can't believe that loon changed his mind because you told him you were a Capricorn.
Capricorn? Philip, your birthday's January 30.
You're an Aquarius.
Vivian, for a $20 million account, I'm a Capricorn.