The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s04e08 Episode Script
Blood is Thicker Than Mud
Excuse me.
Girl, I hope these Greek clowns clean up after themselves.
A bunch of messy, inconsiderate children.
So which house are you joining? Girl, you know I ain't into that frat stuff.
It's for a bunch of pocket-protector- wearing, no-social-life-having losers.
Let the pledging begin.
The defense rests, Your Honor.
Will thinks fraternities are a waste of time.
Maybe for him.
But the more activities I'm involved in, the better I look to Princeton.
Besides, these guys know how to have fun.
We're Delta Kappa Tau We'd like to take a bow We got the highest grades And we will tell you how We study, study, study For professional careers We drink a lot of Ovaltine But never any beers Revenge of the Nerds: Part Six.
We're Lambda Kappa Nu Our blood is very blue Our money's old Our cards are gold And who the heck are you? Where's, like, a big gong when you need one, you know? Make way for the brothers of Phi Beta Gamma.
Phi Beta Gamma step Black Gold Black Gold Man! Hey, I guess that's a tough choice, huh, Carlton? I'll say.
Can I hear yours again? Well, my gold card has a hologram of Lee lacocca on it.
Excuse us, guys, it's time for a Negro moment.
Carlton, wouldn't you rather join a fraternity where the guys look more like you? I was.
Didn't you notice we all had alligator shirts on? - What up, Philly boy.
- What's up, man? I haven't seen you at the courts lately.
I miss our one-on-one.
Now, Top Dog, you know when it's me against you it's one-on-none.
I can't play on them tired courts y'all be playing on, man.
You haven't been there in a while.
Me and my frat brothers, we raised money and we hooked them rims up proper.
Are you in a fraternity? And here I thought you had a life.
Hey, man, I run the fraternity.
Hey, why don't you check us out.
Oh, no, man, fraternities ain't my flavor.
See you at the frat tonight.
But, I will have a double scoop of that, though.
Hey, hey, hey.
We also do a lot of work for the community, brother.
Like visit down at the senior center.
And we also tutor kids down at the juvenile hall.
Oh, terrific.
The Princeton people love to see community service on applications.
I wouldn't really have to go to juvenile hall, would I? I hear those kids are real troublemakers.
We need a little humor down at the frat house.
Well, it don't get no littler than cousin Carlton.
What's up, Carlton? Top Dog.
Think about it, Philly boy.
You too, cousin.
Us brothers need to stick together.
Yes, sir.
Twenty-six years of marriage and I find you in bed with a cheerleader.
Lazlo, how could you? Tune in tomorrow for another episode of All My Fault.
What a sleaze.
I hope Mary dumps Lazlo's sorry butt.
Me too.
You think she would've learned after he lied about neutering the cat.
She really hasn't been the same since she had that sex change.
- Yeah, I guess you're right about that.
- Listen to yourselves.
You're caught up in the lives of make-believe characters.
I'll tell you what, Mom, I'll watch the baby go to a museum and take Hilary with you.
Ashley, the only reason we get involved in this kind of stuff is that real life sometimes is kind of boring.
- What's that? - Harley-Davidson '58 panhead.
I used to date a biker.
- Was that a ride or was that a ride? - Great.
Maybe next time we can actually hit second gear.
- Philip, what's going on? - What's it look like, Vivian? Looks like a bunch of middle-aged men with too much time on their hands.
Hey, we're bikers.
Dan, you're an accountant.
Got a moment, Fonzie? Are you crazy? I told you I was gonna buy a bike someday, Vivian.
Well, you also told me you were gonna lose 50 pounds.
A motorbike is so dangerous.
Well, just look at it this way.
If I take a fall, I have a 50-pound cushion.
Honey, you've also got an infant son who needs you in one piece.
I don't see Dan's wife giving him any heat over this.
From what Helen tells me she ain't giving him any heat anywhere else either.
Oh, you women discuss that? You'd be surprised what we talk about.
Honey, be reasonable.
Get off the midlife-crisis highway and come home.
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see your first hot flash.
- Uncle Phil, what's up with the bike? - Look, I bought me a motorcycle.
It was my decision, and I don't wanna hear any more about it.
Must be that midlife crisis thing Aunt Viv warned us about.
- So how are things at school? - Great.
Dad, I'm thinking of pledging Phi Beta Gamma.
- Judge Morton is a Gamma.
- He's also an alcoholic.
No, that's Judge Martin.
So that's great, son.
You're a real college man now, huh? Thanks, Dad.
Well, I think I'm gonna go take my nap.
So I take it you're not pledging? Oh, no.
You know, Uncle Phil, I got a reputation more as a free spirit.
Will, I wouldn't sell fraternity life short.
You might get something out of it.
True.
They do a lot of work in the community and stuff.
The Gammas are a good group.
Why don't you give it a shot.
The frat leader does need a little help with his jumping.
Maybe I'll join as, like, a mercy thing.
That's good.
- So hop on, I'll take you for a ride.
- Oh, that's cool.
Oh, but you better not try none of that run-out-of-gas stuff, mister.
Pledges on behalf of the brothers of Phi Beta Gamma, I welcome you.
The journey begins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just relax, Magellan.
All right, at this time, I'd like to turn it over to big Brother Top Dog.
- Your pledge leader.
- Attention! Busters.
I hope you like your new uniforms.
You will be wearing them for a week.
Excuse me, Mr.
Top Dog, sir.
Pledge Banks, you only speak when you are spoken to.
Well, are you speaking to me now, or are you? I'm sorry, but I think everyone here will agree that wearing the same thing for a week is not good hygiene.
Right, fellas? So Pledge Banks likes to wash clothes.
Actually, my butler handles the laundry.
- Your butler? - Yes, Geoffrey.
He's a whiz with my fine washables.
Pledge Banks, where are you from? Bel-Air.
South central Bel-Air.
I live right across the street from the Aaron Spelling mansion.
You know, the producer of Beverly Hills, 90210? - I don't watch it.
- You don't know what you're missing.
Dylan's on the verge of getting back with Brenda.
You are on the verge of making a fool out of yourself.
They really getting back together, though? It looks like to me our floor needs a little scrub.
And a wax and a polish too, I might add.
It's a good idea, Pledge Banks.
Pledges, get busy.
And you can thank Pledge Banks for doubling your workload.
No need to thank him all at once, fellas.
- What's up with that fool? - Who? Who? Will's cousin.
Brother from another planet.
Come on now, Dog, you hardly know the guy.
I know all I need to know.
I'm gonna teach him the true meaning of "hell week.
" Hello, you poor excuses for pledges.
Greetings, big Brother Top Dog of Phi Beta Gamma.
Today, we're splitting up into groups.
I'm taking Philly boy and money bags to block.
Hey, we're gonna play Hollywood Squares.
Hey, Carlton.
Do you realize that they're working you harder than everybody else? Nonsense.
Everyone had to help re-tar the parking lot.
Yeah, but the rest of us got to wear shoes.
Yeah, well, it'll all be worth it when I hear them call me "brother.
" I gotta tell you, Top Dog, I don't like what you're doing with Brother Banks.
I didn't ask you.
Lazlo, how could you? Mary, I couldn 't help myself.
Well, Ashley, the museum closed? I had no idea how much Mary was suffering.
Damn that Lazlo.
Ashley, he doesn't know how much his actions are hurting the people who love him.
That's because he's selfish and self-centered.
I see your mother's been poisoning your minds.
Vivian.
Look, I've come to my senses.
The bike is gone.
- It is? - Yes, sweetheart.
Motorcycles and black leather will never make me feel as young as the love of a good woman.
With you by my side, I will never grow old.
I love you.
Oh, sir, the body shop called.
They said your motorcycle is completely totaled.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
Oh, and the insurance company said you're covered for the damages to the ice-cream truck but have to pay for that box of Eskimo Pies you ate.
I said, thank you, Geoffrey.
My pleasure, sir.
Will there be anything else? My favorite soap is about to start.
What would that be, One Life To Ruin? Sir.
Well, if I told you the truth, you would have said, "I told you so.
" Try me.
Okay, well, I accidentally left the bike in gear and it ran into a Mr.
Icy Pop truck.
- I knew that bike was dangerous.
- That's an "I told you so.
" - It is not.
- Is too.
Philip, what do you want from me? I don't know.
A kiss.
I broke my bike.
Here I go.
Ladies, let the games begin.
Don't you think it's cruel to have a party before they tell us whether we're in or not? Well, of course, it's cruel, Carlton, but look on the bright side next year we get to do it to somebody else.
Do you really think we made it? Hey, look, man, whether we did or not, you hung in there, and I'm proud of you.
You're proud of me? You've never said that to me before in my life.
- Give me a hug.
- Don 't.
You see, man, that is exactly why I'll never tell you nothing.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Girl, if God made anything prettier than you I hope he kept it for himself.
Okay.
Yo, Dog, did you see baby? Yo, she was fine.
Yeah, that's just the tip of the iceberg, my brother.
Well then, mush, you huskies.
Hey, Top Dog, do you think the DJ has any Rod Stewart or Neil Diamond? Gee, Carlton, I don't know.
The last time we played them, the party just kind of got out of hand.
I know what you mean.
You should see what happens at their concerts.
Yo, homey, I'm not supposed to say anything but you have nothing to worry about.
You're in.
- Your word, me and Carlton got in? - Well, not exactly.
I mean, you're cool and all, but Carlton well, he's not exactly our type.
Say, what do you mean, "not our type"? Well, Carlton is not like you and me.
You know what I'm saying? No, I don't know what you're saying.
Will, Carlton doesn't exactly exemplify what I think a Phi Beta Gamma is.
Oh, and what is that? Well, it's not Ralph Lauren shirts wingtip shoes and corporate America.
We don't need a brother like him in this fraternity.
Man, he is exactly what you need in this fraternity.
I mean, Carlton has been a straight-A student since preschool.
He gives you 150 percent every time.
Look, Will, I realize he's your cousin and you have to defend him but this discussion is closed.
All right.
Carlton.
Carlton, Carlton.
Come on, let's go, I didn't get in.
What? Why? Look, I don't know, man.
Come on, just let's go.
How dare you not take Will.
He's full of potential.
That's why we want him.
It's you we don't want.
Me? But I did everything.
I cooked, I cleaned, I hand-washed your toilets.
Everything your butler does for you.
I'm not accepting no prep school, Bel-Air bred sellout into my fraternity.
- Homey, you can stop all that - Wait, Will.
I got this one.
You think I'm a sellout, why? Because I live in a big house or I dress a certain way? Or maybe it's because I like Barry Manilow.
He mean Barry White, y'all.
Being black isn't what I'm trying to be, it's what I am.
I'm running the same race and jumping the same hurdles you are so why are you tripping me up? You said we need to stick together but you don't even know what that means.
If you ask me, you're the real sellout.
Yeah, that's right, boy.
And in the words of my illustrious cousin: "We will make like a tree and leave.
" Hey, look, you don't speak for the rest of us, Dog.
I'm gonna have you kicked out of here.
"Make like a tree and leave"? I never say that.
It's "make like a banana and split.
" I'll keep that in mind, all right? Lazlo, how could you? Oh, get over it, Mary.
I'm leaving you for your brother.
Oh, you You've got to tape this for me tomorrow.
Damn that Lazlo.
Hey, are we looking at the newest Phi Beta Gammas? No.
Apparently, I'm not enough of a brother to be a brother.
What? Pledge leader said he didn't like sellouts.
Well, who does? I mean, you wait and wait and when you finally get to the front of the line, everything's gone.
You know, this This really irritates me.
I have worked very hard to give my family a good life and suddenly somebody tells me there's a penalty for success.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, son.
When are we gonna stop doing this to each other? Well, I wouldn't have to go down to juvenile hall, would I? I mean, I hear those kids really are you know, bad and messed up.
- Excuse me.
- And I'm gonna go Yeah.
Wow.
Ja Well, the Kamma - The Jamma Gammas are - The Ja The who? - The Jamma Gammas.
- The The - The bad mama jamma.
- The bad mama jammas, yeah.
I hope Mary dumps that so See? - The The The bad mama jamma.
- The bad mama jammas, yeah.
Girl, I hope these Greek clowns clean up after themselves.
A bunch of messy, inconsiderate children.
So which house are you joining? Girl, you know I ain't into that frat stuff.
It's for a bunch of pocket-protector- wearing, no-social-life-having losers.
Let the pledging begin.
The defense rests, Your Honor.
Will thinks fraternities are a waste of time.
Maybe for him.
But the more activities I'm involved in, the better I look to Princeton.
Besides, these guys know how to have fun.
We're Delta Kappa Tau We'd like to take a bow We got the highest grades And we will tell you how We study, study, study For professional careers We drink a lot of Ovaltine But never any beers Revenge of the Nerds: Part Six.
We're Lambda Kappa Nu Our blood is very blue Our money's old Our cards are gold And who the heck are you? Where's, like, a big gong when you need one, you know? Make way for the brothers of Phi Beta Gamma.
Phi Beta Gamma step Black Gold Black Gold Man! Hey, I guess that's a tough choice, huh, Carlton? I'll say.
Can I hear yours again? Well, my gold card has a hologram of Lee lacocca on it.
Excuse us, guys, it's time for a Negro moment.
Carlton, wouldn't you rather join a fraternity where the guys look more like you? I was.
Didn't you notice we all had alligator shirts on? - What up, Philly boy.
- What's up, man? I haven't seen you at the courts lately.
I miss our one-on-one.
Now, Top Dog, you know when it's me against you it's one-on-none.
I can't play on them tired courts y'all be playing on, man.
You haven't been there in a while.
Me and my frat brothers, we raised money and we hooked them rims up proper.
Are you in a fraternity? And here I thought you had a life.
Hey, man, I run the fraternity.
Hey, why don't you check us out.
Oh, no, man, fraternities ain't my flavor.
See you at the frat tonight.
But, I will have a double scoop of that, though.
Hey, hey, hey.
We also do a lot of work for the community, brother.
Like visit down at the senior center.
And we also tutor kids down at the juvenile hall.
Oh, terrific.
The Princeton people love to see community service on applications.
I wouldn't really have to go to juvenile hall, would I? I hear those kids are real troublemakers.
We need a little humor down at the frat house.
Well, it don't get no littler than cousin Carlton.
What's up, Carlton? Top Dog.
Think about it, Philly boy.
You too, cousin.
Us brothers need to stick together.
Yes, sir.
Twenty-six years of marriage and I find you in bed with a cheerleader.
Lazlo, how could you? Tune in tomorrow for another episode of All My Fault.
What a sleaze.
I hope Mary dumps Lazlo's sorry butt.
Me too.
You think she would've learned after he lied about neutering the cat.
She really hasn't been the same since she had that sex change.
- Yeah, I guess you're right about that.
- Listen to yourselves.
You're caught up in the lives of make-believe characters.
I'll tell you what, Mom, I'll watch the baby go to a museum and take Hilary with you.
Ashley, the only reason we get involved in this kind of stuff is that real life sometimes is kind of boring.
- What's that? - Harley-Davidson '58 panhead.
I used to date a biker.
- Was that a ride or was that a ride? - Great.
Maybe next time we can actually hit second gear.
- Philip, what's going on? - What's it look like, Vivian? Looks like a bunch of middle-aged men with too much time on their hands.
Hey, we're bikers.
Dan, you're an accountant.
Got a moment, Fonzie? Are you crazy? I told you I was gonna buy a bike someday, Vivian.
Well, you also told me you were gonna lose 50 pounds.
A motorbike is so dangerous.
Well, just look at it this way.
If I take a fall, I have a 50-pound cushion.
Honey, you've also got an infant son who needs you in one piece.
I don't see Dan's wife giving him any heat over this.
From what Helen tells me she ain't giving him any heat anywhere else either.
Oh, you women discuss that? You'd be surprised what we talk about.
Honey, be reasonable.
Get off the midlife-crisis highway and come home.
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see your first hot flash.
- Uncle Phil, what's up with the bike? - Look, I bought me a motorcycle.
It was my decision, and I don't wanna hear any more about it.
Must be that midlife crisis thing Aunt Viv warned us about.
- So how are things at school? - Great.
Dad, I'm thinking of pledging Phi Beta Gamma.
- Judge Morton is a Gamma.
- He's also an alcoholic.
No, that's Judge Martin.
So that's great, son.
You're a real college man now, huh? Thanks, Dad.
Well, I think I'm gonna go take my nap.
So I take it you're not pledging? Oh, no.
You know, Uncle Phil, I got a reputation more as a free spirit.
Will, I wouldn't sell fraternity life short.
You might get something out of it.
True.
They do a lot of work in the community and stuff.
The Gammas are a good group.
Why don't you give it a shot.
The frat leader does need a little help with his jumping.
Maybe I'll join as, like, a mercy thing.
That's good.
- So hop on, I'll take you for a ride.
- Oh, that's cool.
Oh, but you better not try none of that run-out-of-gas stuff, mister.
Pledges on behalf of the brothers of Phi Beta Gamma, I welcome you.
The journey begins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just relax, Magellan.
All right, at this time, I'd like to turn it over to big Brother Top Dog.
- Your pledge leader.
- Attention! Busters.
I hope you like your new uniforms.
You will be wearing them for a week.
Excuse me, Mr.
Top Dog, sir.
Pledge Banks, you only speak when you are spoken to.
Well, are you speaking to me now, or are you? I'm sorry, but I think everyone here will agree that wearing the same thing for a week is not good hygiene.
Right, fellas? So Pledge Banks likes to wash clothes.
Actually, my butler handles the laundry.
- Your butler? - Yes, Geoffrey.
He's a whiz with my fine washables.
Pledge Banks, where are you from? Bel-Air.
South central Bel-Air.
I live right across the street from the Aaron Spelling mansion.
You know, the producer of Beverly Hills, 90210? - I don't watch it.
- You don't know what you're missing.
Dylan's on the verge of getting back with Brenda.
You are on the verge of making a fool out of yourself.
They really getting back together, though? It looks like to me our floor needs a little scrub.
And a wax and a polish too, I might add.
It's a good idea, Pledge Banks.
Pledges, get busy.
And you can thank Pledge Banks for doubling your workload.
No need to thank him all at once, fellas.
- What's up with that fool? - Who? Who? Will's cousin.
Brother from another planet.
Come on now, Dog, you hardly know the guy.
I know all I need to know.
I'm gonna teach him the true meaning of "hell week.
" Hello, you poor excuses for pledges.
Greetings, big Brother Top Dog of Phi Beta Gamma.
Today, we're splitting up into groups.
I'm taking Philly boy and money bags to block.
Hey, we're gonna play Hollywood Squares.
Hey, Carlton.
Do you realize that they're working you harder than everybody else? Nonsense.
Everyone had to help re-tar the parking lot.
Yeah, but the rest of us got to wear shoes.
Yeah, well, it'll all be worth it when I hear them call me "brother.
" I gotta tell you, Top Dog, I don't like what you're doing with Brother Banks.
I didn't ask you.
Lazlo, how could you? Mary, I couldn 't help myself.
Well, Ashley, the museum closed? I had no idea how much Mary was suffering.
Damn that Lazlo.
Ashley, he doesn't know how much his actions are hurting the people who love him.
That's because he's selfish and self-centered.
I see your mother's been poisoning your minds.
Vivian.
Look, I've come to my senses.
The bike is gone.
- It is? - Yes, sweetheart.
Motorcycles and black leather will never make me feel as young as the love of a good woman.
With you by my side, I will never grow old.
I love you.
Oh, sir, the body shop called.
They said your motorcycle is completely totaled.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
Oh, and the insurance company said you're covered for the damages to the ice-cream truck but have to pay for that box of Eskimo Pies you ate.
I said, thank you, Geoffrey.
My pleasure, sir.
Will there be anything else? My favorite soap is about to start.
What would that be, One Life To Ruin? Sir.
Well, if I told you the truth, you would have said, "I told you so.
" Try me.
Okay, well, I accidentally left the bike in gear and it ran into a Mr.
Icy Pop truck.
- I knew that bike was dangerous.
- That's an "I told you so.
" - It is not.
- Is too.
Philip, what do you want from me? I don't know.
A kiss.
I broke my bike.
Here I go.
Ladies, let the games begin.
Don't you think it's cruel to have a party before they tell us whether we're in or not? Well, of course, it's cruel, Carlton, but look on the bright side next year we get to do it to somebody else.
Do you really think we made it? Hey, look, man, whether we did or not, you hung in there, and I'm proud of you.
You're proud of me? You've never said that to me before in my life.
- Give me a hug.
- Don 't.
You see, man, that is exactly why I'll never tell you nothing.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Girl, if God made anything prettier than you I hope he kept it for himself.
Okay.
Yo, Dog, did you see baby? Yo, she was fine.
Yeah, that's just the tip of the iceberg, my brother.
Well then, mush, you huskies.
Hey, Top Dog, do you think the DJ has any Rod Stewart or Neil Diamond? Gee, Carlton, I don't know.
The last time we played them, the party just kind of got out of hand.
I know what you mean.
You should see what happens at their concerts.
Yo, homey, I'm not supposed to say anything but you have nothing to worry about.
You're in.
- Your word, me and Carlton got in? - Well, not exactly.
I mean, you're cool and all, but Carlton well, he's not exactly our type.
Say, what do you mean, "not our type"? Well, Carlton is not like you and me.
You know what I'm saying? No, I don't know what you're saying.
Will, Carlton doesn't exactly exemplify what I think a Phi Beta Gamma is.
Oh, and what is that? Well, it's not Ralph Lauren shirts wingtip shoes and corporate America.
We don't need a brother like him in this fraternity.
Man, he is exactly what you need in this fraternity.
I mean, Carlton has been a straight-A student since preschool.
He gives you 150 percent every time.
Look, Will, I realize he's your cousin and you have to defend him but this discussion is closed.
All right.
Carlton.
Carlton, Carlton.
Come on, let's go, I didn't get in.
What? Why? Look, I don't know, man.
Come on, just let's go.
How dare you not take Will.
He's full of potential.
That's why we want him.
It's you we don't want.
Me? But I did everything.
I cooked, I cleaned, I hand-washed your toilets.
Everything your butler does for you.
I'm not accepting no prep school, Bel-Air bred sellout into my fraternity.
- Homey, you can stop all that - Wait, Will.
I got this one.
You think I'm a sellout, why? Because I live in a big house or I dress a certain way? Or maybe it's because I like Barry Manilow.
He mean Barry White, y'all.
Being black isn't what I'm trying to be, it's what I am.
I'm running the same race and jumping the same hurdles you are so why are you tripping me up? You said we need to stick together but you don't even know what that means.
If you ask me, you're the real sellout.
Yeah, that's right, boy.
And in the words of my illustrious cousin: "We will make like a tree and leave.
" Hey, look, you don't speak for the rest of us, Dog.
I'm gonna have you kicked out of here.
"Make like a tree and leave"? I never say that.
It's "make like a banana and split.
" I'll keep that in mind, all right? Lazlo, how could you? Oh, get over it, Mary.
I'm leaving you for your brother.
Oh, you You've got to tape this for me tomorrow.
Damn that Lazlo.
Hey, are we looking at the newest Phi Beta Gammas? No.
Apparently, I'm not enough of a brother to be a brother.
What? Pledge leader said he didn't like sellouts.
Well, who does? I mean, you wait and wait and when you finally get to the front of the line, everything's gone.
You know, this This really irritates me.
I have worked very hard to give my family a good life and suddenly somebody tells me there's a penalty for success.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, son.
When are we gonna stop doing this to each other? Well, I wouldn't have to go down to juvenile hall, would I? I mean, I hear those kids really are you know, bad and messed up.
- Excuse me.
- And I'm gonna go Yeah.
Wow.
Ja Well, the Kamma - The Jamma Gammas are - The Ja The who? - The Jamma Gammas.
- The The - The bad mama jamma.
- The bad mama jammas, yeah.
I hope Mary dumps that so See? - The The The bad mama jamma.
- The bad mama jammas, yeah.