The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Rule 12: The Break-Up Rule (Pilot)

Ah, hey, trouble.
Hey, Tyler.
So what was so urgent you had to meet me here a half hour before your big date? I'm totally freaking out.
I'm so nervous I think I might wet myself.
And not in a sexy way, in the adult diaper way.
Tyler, give me a shot of Tequila.
I need to calm the fuck down.
Make it two.
If it's gonna be one of those nights again, maybe we do need to break out the adult diapers.
Wait, wait, wait.
What're you freaking out about? It's the third date.
Clearly he's into you or he wouldn't be coming back for more.
That's what I'm freaking out about.
It's the third date.
Ah.
So? Third date's the sex date.
I haven't done it in months.
What if my vagina's broken or something? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're telling me that you've been out on two dates with this guy and you haven't fucked him yet? No.
Oh, Samantha.
You always fuck on the first date.
But I think I really like this guy, I don't wanna scare him off.
Sienna once stalked this super-sexy biker boy for like two whole years before he finally agreed to go out with her.
And so they had this amazing first date and contrary to everything that she stands for, she didn't fuck him.
Because she actually had some feelings for him deep down inside her black heart.
And? And so they made some plans for the following weekend, only he never showed up.
Because he died in a motorcycle accident the night before.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Not fucking him was her biggest regret.
And that's why, from that day forward, she vowed to always fuck on the first date.
And we vowed to carry on the rules of depravity after that bitch got married and retired her slutty ways.
Who's this sienna bitch? She sounds fabulous.
The godmother.
But maybe it's time to let the rules go.
I mean you have your thing with drew No, no.
No, you don't let the rules go, not ever.
They're the only things keeping us safe.
I'm gonna put this momentary insanity down to you not getting laid.
But tonight, you'll be cured.
What if it's too late and what if he stands me up or Sam! Or what if he's dead already? Well, if he does show up you better pounce on him like a fat girl on a dessert buffet.
Really? Don't even let him order an appetizer.
Get him home as soon as possible.
Okay.
Okay.
How do I look? Wow.
You look so hot.
If I had a dildo in my purse, I'd take you out back and do you myself.
- Thanks, Lizzie.
- Welcome.
Oh.
Speaking of dildos, I totally ruined your home cooked dinner with drew.
Sorry about that.
Ah, don't worry.
I just threw something on the stove and ran over here.
Go get him, tiger.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Sam.
You look hot, you look sexy, and You are prepared for anything.
Now, I want you to go and ride that guy until the cows come home, okay? That's our girl.
Uh, that was really nice.
Oh! Hello.
Aw, man.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit! That was awesome.
Best sex of my life.
You don't know how much I needed that.
Hey! Hey.
You got a text.
I shouldn't have looked.
"Sorry sweetie, I made a big mistake.
"I want you back.
"Come over when you get this.
" What the hell? She wants me back? Oh, shit.
What I just cheated on her.
Wait, no.
Officially, the text came after.
So I'm in the clear.
Uh Look, uh Please don't say anything.
I mean you were great, you know, but, uh I made a big mistake.
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
But I thought you said this was the best sex of your life.
Yeah.
But it was still just sex.
He couldn't get out of there fast enough.
- Aw, honey.
- I'm so sorry about that.
I can't believe I wasted three dates and a brand new bebe dress on that asshole.
Want me to slash his tires? No.
God, no.
You're lucky you have drew even if he's a douche sometimes.
Yeah.
Maybe this is a sign.
Maybe I should just close up the cooch for business, sign up for online dating, and find some ugly guy to settle down with.
Oh, yeah, 'cause that worked so well for you last time.
What have we learned over the years from dating our share of dicks and douche bags? That all men leave whether you meet them at a bar or online.
And? And we might as well have some fun while we're still young and relatively good looking.
Extremely good looking.
Look, bottom line, you are fabulous, Brad is a pussy.
And the last thing that you should be doing right now is neglecting yours.
In fact, you should be doing just the opposite.
Wait, don't tell me.
Rule number 14.
So close.
Number 12.
Wax it, shave it, or pluck it.
We're going out tonight.
We're getting you laid.
So be ready, bitch.
What're we doing here? I thought this place was condemned.
It is.
Let's just get some free drinks and check out some fresh meat.
More like aged cheese, but okay.
Yeah.
You know, I can always tell if it's gonna be a successful night by how quickly a guy offers to buy us drinks.
Hmm, that was quick.
Hello, ladies.
Hola.
Hey.
What're you two up to? We're going bar to bar taking up a collection for underprivileged alcoholics.
Care to make a donation? What're you having? Split of veuve? How about I buy you a couple vodka tonics? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Great.
Now we have to keep your gay Uncle company over a couple of well drinks.
They're free.
Yes.
Free drinks are good but Free top shelf drinks are better.
Oh, no.
"Oh, no," what? That's my annoying neighbor.
Don't let her see me.
She's a hugger, and I always get freaked out when she presses those ginormous tits in my chest.
That shit hurts! Hey, Sam.
Hey, neighbor.
So good to see you! Hi.
Hi.
Uh, Kaylie, this is my friend, Lizzie.
You remember her? Of course, hey, girl.
Hello! Hello.
Hi.
Can I buy you a drink? Shot of herradura, glass of veuve? Okay.
That's bullshit! Is that what it takes to get top shelf? A couple of big tits and a bear hug? Oh, my God.
There is no way that fembot rates better booze than we do.
I swear if I don't get a guy to buy us top shelf drinks by the end of the night, I'm becoming a lesbian.
But I thought you said we're trying to get me under a guy.
Well, we'll divide and conquer.
I look for free drinks, you hunt for easy sex, and we will meet back here in an hour.
Okay? But I need my wingman.
You don't look like you belong here.
Ouch.
Aw! That was a compliment, by the way.
Well, in that case, thank you.
I don't belong here but my buddy's the bartender.
Just stopped by to say, "hi.
" Really? Well, good to know the help.
You don't look like you belong here either.
You're missing about 5 layers of makeup.
Asshole.
That was a compliment.
Well, in that case, why don't you buy me a drink.
You look like you're a woman who's perfectly capable of buying her own drinks.
Yeah, well, don't you know the bartender? Can't he hook up the good shit? Maybe a little chivas? Would that really make you happy? It's a start.
Huh.
Huh.
Well, I wouldn't have pegged you as the type who needs a guy to buy her a drink to validate herself.
What's your fucking problem? I just don't think a sophisticated, attractive woman like you should be so insecure as to need something as trivial as a man buying her a drink to make her feel wanted.
And I don't need a lecture from a poser who brings a fucking book to a bar to appear all aloof and sexy.
Wait a minute.
Did you say, "sexy"? Oh, my God.
Now who's the insecure one? So what do you do? I'm a telegraph operator.
Huh.
Didn't know they still had those, you know, with the Internet and all.
I'm an attorney.
Just passed the bar, got a job at a great firm.
Quick! Laugh like I just said something hysterical.
What? Just do it.
- Wait a minute.
- Am I your wingman? Jason, what are you doing here? You guys know each other? Yeah, he works for me.
We work together at the same firm.
You girls want some drinks? Two dulce vida anejo margaritas.
Coming right up! Oh, will you look at the time.
I'm late for my abortion.
Can I talk to you? This way.
Hey.
He was gonna go top shelf.
Well, yeah, but Listen Jason is a stage 5 clinger and if you let him buy you a drink, he will attach himself like a barnacle for the rest of the night.
How you like me now? Well done.
Who's our lucky benefactor, huh? Well, he's Wait, isn't that Oh, shit.
Lizzie.
Hey, you still gotta pay for those.
So, your friend Sam She's pretty cute.
Forget it.
Sam always goes for dicks over pussies.
What? I'm not a pussy.
Oh, yeah? Then how come you're not pissed we ditched you when you went to get us drinks? Because I'm nice.
That doesn't make me a pussy.
I can see your camel toe from here.
You can leave now.
Why didn't you tell me you guys broke up? I don't know.
After the 15th time, you told me that you don't want to hear it any more.
Hell, I didn't want to hear it any more.
I didn't mean that.
You can tell me anything, you know.
Hos before bros.
When did it happen? A few days ago.
I caught him sexting with that little girl.
I don't wanna talk about the fuckups in our past.
I want to talk about the fucks in our future.
What're we doing tonight? Well, maybe we should have an old-fashioned pity party.
I'll bring the ice cream.
No.
Fuck that.
The longer you go without it, the harder it is to get it.
We have to think outside the box to how we're going to get a dick in yours.
You ready? Okay, I'm done.
Well, at least you got under a guy.
Really? Is that what we're going with? Night's still young.
Let's head over to luna or maybe hit up el patron, see who's left.
The only thing I want to make love to tonight is my shower head so that I can get all of this dirty sweat off of my body.
Sounds kinky.
But just because I'm not getting laid, doesn't mean you can't.
Huh? Rule number 14.
You need to get over a guy, too.
And that dirty hot guy at the end of the bar has been eye-fucking you for the last 10 minutes.
What? He is sex on a stick.
Oh, my God.
How do I look? You look amazing.
I'm going home.
Whoa! Twice in one weekend? I know.
You're a lucky girl.
Buy you a $3 bottle of beer? I already have a drink.
Great! Then how about buying me one? But not for validation or anything.
But I'm I'm out of cash.
So violent.
A lot of anger issues towards men? You know, I could make some really snide comment about the fact that you love to throw these really general psych 101 observations.
As if you actually have some insight to my behavior but I'm too tired and I've had way too much to drink and in this case, happens to be true.
Well Maybe I can help.
Oh.
Did you just say, "mmm"? Mmm-hmm.
Come here.
What do you say we go back to my place and have some really sweaty, really hot, no strings attached sex.
I'd say sex never comes with no strings attached.
You don't know who you're dealing with.
Hey, just so you know I don't spoon and I don't do sleepovers.
You have a lot of rules.
You come here to talk or have sex? We were up till 4 in the morning, easily.
I'm tired.
Oh, best part is, he left immediately afterward.
So there wasn't that awkward early morning kickout, you know what I mean? So was the sex as hot as he looked? Even hotter.
Are we talking boyfriend-material hot? Or fuck-buddy hot? Please.
This is a one-time only kind of thing.
I doubt I'll ever even see him again.
Hey, Sam, I'll call you back, okay? All right.