The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Rule 17: The Cheating Rule

Stop, that tickles.
Hey, where are ya? At the coffee shop with Kaylie.
You need to get down here.
Why, what happened? We got a bleeder.
I was having a drink at the bar near work, and I saw Jordan there, with some other blonde.
That's bullshit.
- Oh! - I know.
I'll be right there.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
It was dark, I could have been wrong.
Yeah, maybe it wasn't him.
But, what if it was? I've been trying to call his cell phone, and he didn't answer.
He always answers.
This is just the way men are, Kaylie.
They cheat.
All of them.
It's in their d-n-fucking-a.
This hurts so bad.
Oh, I know it does, believe me, I do.
Remember Lewis? Asshole.
I would've stuck that whip up his cheating ass.
But that submissive little shit probably would have liked it.
My last cheater was worse.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit! That was awesome.
Best sex of my life.
Hey! You got a text.
"Sorry sweetie, I made a big mistake.
"I want you back.
"Come over when you" She wants me back? Are you talking about Brad? Because he didn't cheat on you.
No, but, he cheated on someone.
Some other woman.
With you.
Now we're just talking semantics.
Men cheat.
There's only one thing you can do about it, Kaylie.
Rule number 17.
Uh-oh! More rules.
Sounds like a recipe for making a bad situation worse.
Oh, look! It's a rare, almost male member of the species.
Mmm, no dicks allowed, go home.
Why do I get the sense you're sending this girl into the world with your pent-up rage against mankind? Kaylie can think for herself.
Yeah, what they said Before you do anything rash, I would try Big idea here, talking to him first.
Oh! That wow, yeah.
As if that ever did any good.
Listen, you've done your boy scout duty, now hit the road.
This is my neighborhood place.
I'm picking up a coffee.
Uh-huh, and now you have one.
So, why is it rule number 17? Oh, we have a lot of rules, and they come from years of experience.
And this one's in the top 20.
Look, Kaylie, I know we don't see eye-to-eye all the time, but we're in this together, here.
We are? Abso-fucking-lutely.
When one of them messes with one of us He messes with all of us.
But, what if it wasn't Jordan? We'll prove it was.
Yeah, that's our job.
Your job is to find the hottest piece of ass you can.
And we will humiliate Jordan with it.
Trust me, by the end of the weekend, he'll be the sobbing wreck with mascara running down his cheeks.
Is that what I am? A sobbing wreck? No.
Okay, I'm in.
What is rule number 17? Don't cry, make him cry.
We need your help.
No can do.
You don't even know what we're going to ask you for.
Even over the reek of disinfectant, I can smell your desperation.
I'm sorry you didn't get laid last night but that's your problem, not mine.
We need your video camera.
There's a sister in trouble.
Yeah, that and we have no other plans for the weekend.
So, who's it gonna be, huh? Huh? Huh? The douche bag guys or the innocent girls? Uh, you're a long way from innocent, but, curious to see what you get on camera.
So, here you go.
We'll have it back by Monday, thanks, sister.
Good luck, girls.
Here's what we have so far on that miserable little lout.
He spent most of the morning at hench's gym.
So vain.
Need to work out more.
Then, he had lunch at lake terrace cafe.
Except that he ordered the Fisherman's breakfast.
For lunch.
That's it? No, don't worry.
We're Goin' to nail this cheating little bitch boy to the Fuckin' wall.
How's it going on your end? Any luck finding someone to make Jordan insanely jealous? I mean, I know you haven't had much time so far.
But, you know, any little prospect is worth considering.
Just something small.
Little bit.
Well, I mean, I only have 17 so far.
So far? Mmm, number one, Daryl.
He was a cute stockbroker.
He gave me his number.
Number 2, Ricky, he owns a restaurant, said he'd kill for me.
Number 3, Nathan, he gave me a necklace.
I brought it to the jewelers' on the way over here, and the pearls are real.
Uh, number 4, Alex.
He said he'd put me in a movie, he'd make me a star.
Number 5, Lee.
Looks like Bradley Cooper, he offered to take me on vaycay.
Okay, then we have number 16, Malcolm, he was cute, but not really my type.
He was like, a lord or Duke or something, whatever that means.
Finally, we have number 17.
Sweet guy, nice ass.
Delicious coffee, Nicholas.
So, how's that so far? Oh, yeah, it's Not bad for a start.
It's all right, so far.
Pretty good.
It's winter.
Not a lot of guys out, really.
Did you get that? Shit, is that Jordan? Yeah, and guess who he was with? Is that thing even recording? Now it is.
Well done, Watson.
Yeah, like you're Holmes? Oh, please, watch and learn.
Hey, it's me.
Pizza guy.
Mom, forgot my suitcase.
Dad, I don't want to live with mom any more.
Excuse me, sir, I found your cat.
Hi, I'm here to deliver your 8-ball.
Honey, we're back together.
What do you think? Saw it on law & order.
What's wrong? I know this neighborhood.
I'm just trying to figure out from where.
Okay, here it is.
Apartment 407.
So, now what? We listen for fuck noises.
Was that on law & order, too? Ha, ha, ha.
Hear that? It's kind of like a I think that's the sound of a refrigerator.
Or maybe a space heater.
'Sup! Hey.
What if we went into the apartment building across the alley? Maybe we could see through a window, catch him in the act.
Yeah! But, we have to get into one of the units.
How are we gonna do that? I just remembered how I know this neighborhood.
Someone I wouldn't mind making cry.
Hi, Brad.
Sorry to bother, my friend here Hiya! We were just in the neighborhood, she has a little problem.
Yeah, I, I Do you think, she could possibly Could I use your bathroom? Number 2.
Thank you.
Uh, yeah, no problem, it's to the right.
So, um How's it Goin' with, uh What's her name, your girlfriend? Oh, Nora.
We broke up.
Sorry about that.
Here we go.
Oh, shit! Man, why don't people fuck in kitchens like they used to? Yeah, it's pretty nice.
It's not too short? No, it's good.
Yeah? Yeah.
You still work at the same place or Yeah.
I just want to say, um I'm sorry things didn't work out for us.
I mean, that was pretty fun.
For a little while.
I remember.
I'll bet you do.
All set.
Let's go.
Actually I think I'm Goin' to stay here for a little while.
If that's okay with you.
And, um, you.
Sounds good to me.
Rule number 17.
What does that mean? Who cares? Oh! Sorry.
It's all good.
Ah! I need to come first.
No problem.
Ah! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Shit, is that expensive? Oh, shit! Ow! Ah! I'm so sorry, I I think, I Aren't we gonna finish? Oh! I'm good.
Are you hungry? You want to get something to eat? No, thanks.
But I thought Oh! Hmm.
"Dear Sam, tell Brad he blew his chance for great sex forever.
"Love, Sam.
" What're you looking at? Are you crying? No.
Ow, fuck! That hurts.
Tears of pain.
Good enough.
Naked flip over the couch, 90 second getaway.
That's my girl, I taught you so well.
You're kidding.
And I pinched his nipple.
Oh! And so how was it? The "coming" part or the "making him cry" part? Both fantastic! And fan-fucking-tastic.
My girl! Aren't we here to talk about my guy? I'm sorry, of course.
Tell her what you got.
Okay, so Subject entered residence at approximately 7:08 pm.
Does subject mean Jordan? Uh, well, we're not entirely sure if it was him, but, it was definitely the blonde from the bar.
I mean, it sort of looked like her.
And what happened? Okay, well, then they kissed.
Well, some Somebody kissed.
Anything else? Well, then they switched rooms and the blinds were down.
And I stopped shooting.
Well, I've got some bad news.
You do, what happened? He finally texted me.
"Kaylie, I got your msg," that means message.
"Kaylie, I got your message, call you later.
" That's bad? Very.
He never calls me "Kaylie.
" He always calls me, "hot cakes" or "sugar tits" or "my little pony.
" Oh, and you like that? You're kidding.
Who wouldn't? Yeah, yeah.
Something's definitely wrong.
Well, I think it's time for you to fulfill your end of the bargain.
You're gonna need to find a guy.
And make Jordan cry.
Trust me, you'll feel so much better.
Got it, maybe I should write this down.
That would be, "find a guy.
" No, "find a a" "Guy.
"And make him cry.
" Make Jordan cry.
Yeah, Jordan.
Actually, c-r-y, not I.
Whatever, cute heart.
Hey, tryrone.
Will you spot me on the leg curl machine? Yeah, sure.
Is 40 okay? Uh, no, let's do 60.
I want to feel the burn.
So, tonight? 9:00? Hey! Not so fast, dirtbag.
Looks like your girlfriend found a new boy toy.
What the hell? - You're a cheater.
- She dumped your sorry ass.
I'm a what? She did? Mmm-hmm.
But I love her so much.
Oh, my God, he's crying.
You totally are.
Oh, my God.
He is.
What a pussy! Total pussy! I'd never cheat on Kaylie! I swear, I love her.
Huh? Rule number 70.
If you don't cry, he will.
Close enough.
What did I do? I think you mean, "who did you do.
" Give him the video.
What're you talking about? Little hard to see.
Is this real? Wow! Are you guys serious? This could be anybody, Kaylie.
It's you.
Tell him, Lizzie.
Yeah, where were you at 7:08 on Saturday night? I was in my apartment.
9885 west grand Avenue? Yep, and That would be your kitchen, apartment 407.
I recognize it by your cracked window.
Except that I moved to 519 over the weekend, Kaylie.
Remember? I told you that two weeks ago.
That's why I haven't been returning your calls, I've been so busy moving.
Right, shoot.
I need to start writing things down.
I just wanted to get everything perfect before you came over.
You're really trying to make everything nice for me? Yes.
I just got so worried when you called me "Kaylie" and not "hot cakes.
" I just I want us to get serious.
I would never cheat on you.
You know that.
Come here.
So, I guess my work here is done, huh? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
You don't hate me, do you? No, it's cool, you two should go home and make up.
I'll see you at the gym.
Hey, tryrone, could we buy you a drink? Yeah, we could buy you a or not.
A Tequila? Don't think he wants one.
Well, I guess that turned out well, huh? Rule number 17.
Shut it.
Oh, don't get pissed at me because your precious rules don't work.
Ladies, enjoy your evening.
Oh, please.
Jason spends most of his nights alone, playing online video games with some 12-year-old in Indiana.
Do you really think he has the right to talk? Aw, that's cute.
What? He's sweet.
Look, even cool people like him.
No, no, no.
You will not be hooking up with Jason! Chill, mommie dearest.
I'm not going to.
But if I did, will it really be so bad? You can't shit where I eat.
End of discussion.
I need a drink.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah! That's great, okay.
Oh! Oh! Oh, okay, okay.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.